


Healing Ink

by MirandasMadeOfStone



Series: Healing Ink AU [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Healing Ink, M/M, MMFD AU, My Mad Fat Diary - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-09 08:52:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 247,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3243650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandasMadeOfStone/pseuds/MirandasMadeOfStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The My Mad Fat Diary girls are in their mid-20s, and the rest will become apparent in due course...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Today is a good day. No, it’s more than just a simple 'good day'. Today is a momentous day, because today she is free. She’s not just free of that which held her back and hurt her, today marks the start of her renaissance.  
  
It’s not just the start of a fresh chapter in her life, her story, it’s something far greater than that; because for the first time she inherently comprehends that she is strong and she never needs to make another default choice again. She knows the rest of her life is waiting for her to make strong, well-considered decisions that won’t lead her down the twisting, tenebrous paths of her past.  
  
No, today is a day for celebration, for forgetting the sins of the past - those which she inflicted and those inflicted upon her. Today is for holding her head high, for feeling the weight of the keys to her new flat in her hand, for drinks with friends.  


******************************************  


Chloe and Izzy turned up at Rae’s flat full of champagne bubbles and laughter and up for a good time.

“Wow this place really is something Rae” said Chloe looking around.  
“Yeah well…you should you know….you chose half the ….the stuff in here..” replied Rae.  
  
Izzy put an arm around Rae sensing somehow that her friend was feeling that her happiness had come at a heavy price; that there were many words still to be aired, but right now Rae was safe and happy as could be expected and who was she to cast even a flicker of a shadow over the day.  
Rae seemed to intuitively comprehend the meaning behind Izzy's brief hug and she turned to face her friends, taking Chloe’s right hand in her left and Izzy’s left hand in her right.

“I don’t know how to thank you girls…..words will never be enough to say the thousands of thank you's I owe you for… for helping me… you know setting me up here… I really, really couldn’t have done any of this without you… you’re both amazing… and Izzy please thank your dad again for helping Karim move my stuff.”

  
A lone tear ran down Rae’s cheek. She bit the inside of her lip with force to ensure that she did not dissolve and tried to revive her earlier feelings of joy and passion for her new life. Chloe could see Rae’s struggle and tried to find the words to comfort and restore her best friend:  
  
“You know Rae, you’re the amazing one… you did all the hard work yourself. We’re both so so proud of you……this place is great… I know it’s not finished yet but you’ll spray Rae all over it in no time and the past? Sweetie, I know you can’t forget, and there’s much talking to be done, but tonight… tonight we drink fizz and look to the future, right?”  
  
Chloe squeezed Rae, and she nodded.  
  
“Right then girls, let’s get the night going… and this is the real stuff… no cheap imitation fizz for tonight!” Chloe said waving a bottle of champagne with a familiar yellow label around.  
  
Izzy squealed and rummaged in the kitchen cupboards for some glasses. She found a pair of matching wine glasses that she thinks must have come from a gift set and a third pink plastic wine glass that she donated to Rae. Rae popped the champagne cork without spilling froth and bubbles everywhere - something she had learnt to do whilst working in the bar and poured out three glasses, topping them up as the bubbles subsided and settled.  
  
“Cheers girls!… So where we off to tonight?”  
“There’s a new club… thought we could go dancing?” Chloe raised her eyebrows at Rae.  
Rae frowned. “Oh God… have either of you been before?”  
Izzy nodded. “Yeah it’s amazing… great for dancing.”  
“What’s the music like? Cos I am so not coming if they play any of that chart shite.”  
  
Chloe and Izzy shared a look, it was good to see some of the familiar spark back in their friend. Of course, they’d considered how to get Rae out again and after several taster nights, for pure research purposes you understand, Izzy had finally found the right place. Chloe, of course, had not liked the club as much as Izzy since she felt it was a bit of a sordid Indie Rock club but she’d go just about anywhere for Rae, and last time they had visited, the club had been full of hot guys - that was just a bonus.  
  
“Music’s alright Rae, I promise…. we even checked it out last week after I picked up a flyer from Cult Clothing.”

Rae looked at Izzy, considering the proposition; a variety of clubs left flyers in Cult Clothing but it was anything but a mainstream shop, and the clubs were generally anything but mainstream. That boded well for starters. The fact that her friends had clearly been the advanced party to test the waters was a demonstration of friendship by Izzy but really it was above and beyond as far as Chloe was concerned.  
  
She marvelled over the existence of her friendship with Chloe, a friendship, which had been tested further than either thought was possible. Yet it had not been destroyed, or reduced to awkwardness, embarrassment or shame; quite the reverse actually, as it seemed to flourish at those times when one or the other had been brought to their knees by some cruel turn of events or heartbreak.  
  
Rae smiled slowly watching the expectant expressions of her friends.  
  
“Oh… alright then… suppose you can twist my arm.”

  
*******************************************

  
Rae had no idea what to expect before she arrived at the club; but it had certainly not been this. They were playing dance remixes of some of her favourite tunes, nobody was wearing a minidress and platforms (well apart from Chloe that was), and there wasn't a lemon hooch in sight. She surveyed the club from their vantage point at the bar and was pleasantly surprised by the fact that appeared to be no stereotypical groups of giggling girls or leering men; people either seemed happy to chat on the sofas or were dancing away inhibition free on the dance floor.  
  
Rae was dressed in a checked shirt with a black dress underneath, and was surprised to find her attire very much fitted in with the eclectic mix in the club. She was consumed by an unfamiliar sensation, a rush of adrenaline perhaps, a surge of something yet more unfamiliar: confidence perhaps? She could not yet fathom the very character of this passion as it was still too remote.

  
Rae turned round to the bar and caught a glimpse of the tall barman with his goatee and stretched lobes and raised her eyebrows at Chloe and Izzy who smiled at her.  
  
“Three pints of snakebite please, barman.” Rae’s slightly overconfident tone betraying her nervousness at being in this position again - free to order her own drink.  
“You sure about that love?” The barman retorted a twisted grin on his face.  
“You’d better get on with otherwise I’ll be needing 6 pints to quench our thirst”. Rae replied raising her eyebrow.  
  
The barman laughed and poured the drinks.  
  
“There you go, ladies” he said putting the drinks on the bar. “And yours, madam...” he said turning to Rae, “...is on the house.”  
  
Rae blushed a deep shade of pink and was about to start an argument about how she didn't want anything for free but she realised tonight was not only too soon for that - she simply did not have the energy for any such discussion. She murmured an unintentionally coy thanks before turning round to her friends and suggesting that they take a seat.  
  
They sat in the far corner on some sofas and Rae listened to Chloe’s monologue on the state of her love life, or lack of love life to be accurate. Izzy was commiserating her, having just come out of yet another short-lived relationship; she never seemed to meet one genuine enough for her. All her boyfriends were either too sappy and boring for Izzy, or they were interesting but had no heart. Izzy wouldn't suffer fools gladly and was resolute and steadfast in her decisions when it came to romance. And Rae? Leaving the sanctuary of her flat had been a hitherto unexpected experience; but going near another man; well she would gladly never have to do that again.  
  
Rae tuned back into Izzy and Chloe’s chatter. The snakebite on top of the previous champagne had clearly worked its way into their systems making them like two highly excitable but naughty children. Rae knew there was little point in resisting when they dragged her up to dance. The dance floor may have been busy but there was no crush of bodies pulsating to the music, as Rae expected in nightclubs and for that she was grateful.  
  
After a couple of songs during which Rae had danced in a very minimalist fashion still swathed in self-consciousness, the Stone Roses came on; and Rae simply couldn't resist the Roses. Cautiously at first, she began to dance, allowing the music to seep through her body, pulse through her veins like the lifeblood it had once been to her. At some point she realised she was really dancing, moving her body how she really wanted to and she only realised that her tears were flowing as her friends embraced her.  
  
She briefly feared her tears would spoil a night that was meant as a milestone in her new life but found that she was able to brush them off with the resolve that she would allow herself to contemplate some of those thoughts that seemed to freely enter her mind uninvited at another time. She was momentarily surprised that her mind allowed her this period of grace but did not waste a further second dwelling on that, which had already stolen, and would continue to steal a significant amount of time.  
  
Rae once again bathed in the music, allowing it to permeate every pore, every last fibre of her being and gradually her dancing became less inhibited until the point where she was moving her body in rhythm with the music, her arms held aloft and her eyes shut. It was Chloe who eventually broke her reverie:  
“Rae, Rae… I'm parched… we need more drinks - come on girls. More Snakebites?”  
Rae frowned for a second as reality closed back in on her, music’s spell having been broken. She smiled and took Izzy’s and Chloe’s arms in hers and walked towards the bar.  
  
They settled back on a sofa in a far corner with their drinks.Chloe was casting her eye around the room. Rae was expecting some comment about the lack of suitable subjects to lust over and dissect (especially given the prevalence of facial hair, piercings, checked shirts and tattoos) so was somewhat taken aback when Chloe seemed to find endless compliments about virtually every man in the room. Rae knew her friend’s over-enthusiasm was for her benefit and she repeatedly rolled her eyes as the seemingly neverending stream of consciousness spewed forth from Chloe’s mouth. She had completely zoned out, subconsciously nodding her head and tapping her foot to the rhythm of a tune that she knew she’d heard before, but somehow could not place when Izzy’s voice broke through.  
  
“Ooh… he’s well cute.” She giggled, pointing at a guy with a baggy t-shirt, piercing blue eyes and a gap between his front teeth.  
  
He was standing up and gesticulating at a group clustered all over some nearby sofas. His laugh seemed to be infectious passing onto the entire group. Rae noted the tattoos down one arm; from this distance she couldn't tell what they were or what they represented but they looked different from other tattoos she’d seen to date and she was intrigued.  
  
Suddenly Chloe’s breath caught in her throat and Rae heard the unmistakable sound of glass meeting glass as Chloe nearly dropped her drink in putting down on the table. Rae looked at Chloe and smirked at her friend’s ungainly expression - eyes wide open and mouth hanging open. Rae thought about making a comment about catching flies until she finally caught sight of what had brought Chloe’s world to a complete standstill.  
  
Oh. Holy. Fuck. He was stood up on the sofa, black jeans and a grey vest. Both arms were covered from shoulder to wrist in tattoos. Rae had never considered arms as erotic before, but those arms were utter perfection with just the right balance of muscle. He was laughing ruffling his hair, possibly in embarrassment or discomfort at being the centre of attention. And his arse… that was perfection of the gluteus maximus. Rae chucked to herself at her ridiculous chain of thoughts.  
Then she caught sight of him messing up the hair of another one of the group. This guy was perched on the arm of one of the tatty Chesterfields, laughing and fending his friend off with well-timed smacks with one hand, using his other hand to push his glasses back on. Rae shook her head at her own thoughts, she’d shocked herself by even looking, even thinking.  
  
She was relieved of the distraction when Izzy dragged them back up to the dance floor. Chloe was really strutting her stuff, trying to dance to music that she was unfamiliar with. But Rae had to credit her enthusiasm and instead of allowing her inhibitions cloud over her to the point of paralysis, as she knew they so easily could, she joined in with her friends. Once again she found herself lost in music, lost in a familiar beat of a long forgotten tune. Her feet seemed to have taken her around the dancefloor, her voice was singing along to the tune her hands and face animating her vision of the song.  
  
Izzy had formed a single person conga line behind her and Chloe was lost a little way behind when she tripped and completely unceremoniously ended up on the floor. For a fleeting moment the panic of old flashed through her with its all too familiar twinges of humiliation, fear and self-loathing but it passed almost as quickly as it had come. Rae found herself laughing on the floor with a hand being held out to her to help her up.  
  
She took the outstretched hand without a second thought and her heart nearly stopped when she came face to face with it’s owner. It was the bespectacled man from earlier, with a huge grin on his face.  
  
“You alright?” He asked.  
Rae laughed “Yeah… just clumsy… managed to trip over my own feet didn't I ….so wrapped up in 'Roll with it' that I just took it a little too literally and rolled with it.”   
  
She shrugged and giggled at her own joke.  
  
“Like Oasis do you then?”  
“Some might say.”  
  
The man started to laugh heartily and ended up stroking his chin and sniggering.

“So I don’t believe we've been introduced properly - I'm Archie. This is Chop,” he said, gesturing at the man with the bluest eyes Rae had seen, and Rae shook his hand.  
“This is Mike”. A tall, muscled, heavily-tattooed man with a beard stepped out and smiled at Rae, greeting her with a “hey” and a smirk.  
“Oh, and that’s Finn”. Finn was he of the perfect arse, and she felt Chloe’s grip tighten on her arm rather like what she imagined a boa constrictor would do to its prey. She was about to smile and say hello when she saw his disinterested face with half an eyebrow raised in a quasi sneer. He mumbled something to Mike and disappeared.  
Rae looked at the floor not knowing how she was supposed to react.  
“Oh don’t mind grumpy pants… he’s got it bad today. So can we get you girls a drink perhaps… you know to make amends for tripping you up?”  
“I fell over my feet.” she said shaking her head.  
“I’d like one,” piped up Chloe.  
“Me too… come on Rae” chimed in Izzy in voice that Rae just couldn't refuse.  
“Alright then… oh this is Chloe and this is Izzy.” She introduced her friends. Chloe was so plastered she gave a small half curtsey and Izzy waved at the group.

The group sat down on the sofas around a painted table with plenty of graffiti on it. They all made small talk about how they’d found the club, the weather and the drinks. Rae quickly found herself chatting to Archie (as she would later realise and understand) superficially about music. Rae recalled a few concerts that she’d gone to some time ago and they discussed Oasis which led them onto Blur.

Rae frowned for a second as she realised she’d almost forgotten the tune of some of Blur’s songs as it had been so long since she listened to them. And the conversation was left hanging by a thread in mid air. The silence would have been awkward had it not been for Izzy (who by now was sitting right on the front of one of the huge arms of the sofa like a fairy perched on toadstool) holding Chop’s arm and examining his inkings.  
  
“They’re pretty amazing aren't they?” Archie said looking at Rae a little perplexed as to how their conversation had fizzled out so suddenly having been so natural and relaxed. He had really thought they were on the same wavelength.  
“Yeah… you’re right… I’ve never seen such vivid colours and the design….it’s well…”  
“I just love tattoos…don’t I, Rae?” said Chloe rather too loudly.  
  
Rae squinted slightly at her friend and then saw that the grumpy twat had slid himself down the back of the opposite sofa.  
  
“Ya… I've always wanted a tattoo….it’s just ….you know….I er…..I need the design to be absolutely perfect and none of the tattoo artists I’ve visited have had….quite the right vibe you know.”  
  
Rae couldn't help but raise her eyebrows at Chloe.  
Mike suddenly leapt over the table and Rae and Chloe glanced at each other, taking in his muscled form and his extensive tattoos. From her vantage point Rae could see that his tattoos extended far further than those on display on his arms. He held his arms out to Chloe.  
  
“So what do you think of these then?”  
Chloe was unusually quiet as she took one of Mike’s arms in her hands and turned it around and made small noises as if she was considering them as a valuable artefact.  
“Do you like them then?” This was the first time they had heard Finn speak.  
Chloe looked up and pouted “They have real artistic merit and they’re most definitely not derivative..so yes I like them.”  
  
Rae frowned. What on earth was Chloe saying, this sounded most unlike her friend but then she knew Chloe was most likely out to impress a certain tattooed person.  
  
Mike laughed. “That’s a good thing then Chloe..”  
“Chlo to my friends.”  
“That’s a good thing then Chlo… ”  
  
Chloe’s face was still of puzzled amusement with her trademark expression of lips slightly parted and pouting. Rae shook her head in silent mirth. Chloe’s flirting techniques really hadn’t changed and she took great comfort in the familiarity of that.  
Mike shuffled forward on the table.  
  
“You know Chlo…it’s a good thing because the artist himself is here.”  
  
Chloe’s eyes went wide thinking that Mike was referring to himself as he looked closest to archetypal tattoo artist in her mind; he had such extensive tattoos (although none on his face), a wild beard and quite a few piercings. Mike shook his head and chuckled.  
  
“No, not me… though I am responsible for some of Chop's… this arm was done by the master himself… Finn Nelson,” he said, extending theatrically towards Finn.  
  
Rae noticed that Finn was looking slightly less grumpy and slightly more willing to be involved in this discussion than he had previously been.  
  
“You...” Chloe said raising her eyebrows “...did these?”  
“Aye.” Finn replied flatly.  
“So you’re a ….a tattooer?”  
“Tattoo artist,” Finn corrected.  
“Oh,” Chloe said quietly.  
  
“So did you do these too?” Izzy asked still holding onto Chop’s hands looking at his arms.  
“Aye, well some of them and Mike did the rest.”  
Izzy smiled. “What about you Chop… do you… do you tattoo?”  
Chop’s face broke into a huge grin. “That I do love, that I do.”  
  
The three girls all shared a glance, they were all uncertain about these confessions and started to to wonder whether the combination of snakebite and Champagne was responsible for them stepping into an alternate reality or whether the joke was in fact on them. Rae was surprised that Archie had clearly been able to read their silent exchange of looks and once again broke into a broad grin.  
  
“Mike here is the proprietor of 'S&N’s Mystic Ink'. Chop and Finn work for him.”  
Rae frowned..."S and N?" she said with particular emphasis on the N.  
“Skins and Needles,” replied Mike with a smirk on his face. “Bought the place as Mystic Ink, always wanted to change the name to Skins & Needles but this cheeky bugger” he said gesticulating at Chop “painted S&N on the sign in neon paint one night and ever since it’s been known as S&N’s Mystic Ink.” He said with a chuckle.  
  
There was silence for a moment.  
  
“So you thinking of being inked, beautiful?” Mike said looking directly at Rae, the smirk still playing on his mouth.  
  
Rae couldn't bear to be under this man’s gaze for a second longer. She couldn't comprehend whether he was flirting with her, teasing her or making fun of her; and his self assured manner and steady gaze flooded her with so many different emotions that all her body was able to do was to obey its instinct for flight, as the fight had long since been beaten out of her.  
  
Before she even knew it, Rae was in the ladies’ loos. Hands planted firmly on the side of one of the industrial stainless steel sinks. Her breath was coming too fast in ever shortening breaths, the room starting to spin when she felt a soft hand on her back.  
  
“Rae… Rae, it’s OK… I’m here….count if you want to or….or I can sing.”  
When Rae didn’t respond Izzy broke into song. The crippling waves of panic started to subside and the fear cracked apart, leaving Rae with a small smile on her face softly singing along with Izzy.  
“I… I’m sorry” she mumbled.  
“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Rae… I… I don’t think he meant to frighten you, Rae.”  
Rae smiled “No I don’t suppose so either… Look I’d better go home - it’s late, I’ve drunk rather a lot and I’m knackered.”  
“I’m pretty tired too you know…good call…I’ll go and find Chlo.”  
“No, you two stay and enjoy those pretty tattooed men.”  
“Nah, Rae…..it’s fine. I’ll meet you at the door.”  
  
Rae was thankful that she didn't have to face the group again. She mused that her newly found self-confidence was already full of cracks, like a fragile porcelain bird; and she feared that the cracks may further disfigure the bird or, worse still, deepen and cause it to smash. She was pulled from her negative thoughts by a soft but firm hand on her arm.  
  
She looked up and saw that smile and those spectacles again. She felt no panic, no concern over his touch and tried to smile.  
  
“Hey …er Rae, I’m really sorry if, erm… Mike… he’s just… Mike really….he’s a big softy you know.”  
“Oh no… it’s, well, I think I must have drunk too much… started the night on champagne and God knows how much snakebite I put away… sorry.”  
  
Her tone was overly jovial and she knew from Archie’s face that he could inherently read it.  
  
“Well it was lovely to meet you … if you ever want to talk music.” Archie’s voice trailed off.  
Rae smiled at him and then raised her eyebrows “You don’t work at S&N or whatever it’s called do you?”  
Archie broke into peals of laughter “No… no… but you’ll find me there Saturday afternoons… look, take care.”  
Rae smiled. “You too.”  
  
Chlo staggered over holding onto Izzy’s arm.  
  
“Right girls… think we’re going to need a cab… it’s too cold to walk home in this… and perhaps wearing 4-inch platforms wasn’t the best idea…”  
The three managed to hail a taxi and it was only when they were crammed in the back that they started talking again, comparing notes on what they thought of the club, the music, the clientele and, most pertinently, the group they had talked to.  
  
“God, that Finn was so, so fit.”Chloe sighed.  
Rae raised an eyebrow. “Rude though. Chop seemed nice.”  
“Did you see his eyes Rae, they were like cerulean pools” Izzy gushed.  
  
Rae giggled and she felt Chloe’s hand on her arm.  
  
“You OK though Rae… I mean… you’re OK aren't you?”  
Rae nodded. “Course… drank too much, didn’t I?”  
  
“Archie seemed nice didn’t he, Rae… you two seemed to talk a lot about music. Did you get his number?”  
Rae shook her head “Nah… nice having a chat though.”  
  
“Well, I’m so going to see Finn again” Chloe announced.  
Izzy frowned. “But we didn’t swap numbers, Chlo… how?”  
“I’m going to get a tattoo… that’s how.”


	2. Chapter 2

Today marks another key milestone in her renaissance, for today she has lived in her new flat for a week. An entire week of freedom, an entire week of not having to look over her shoulder, an entire week of positive choices.

Possibly not entirely 'good' or 'normal' choices, she muses (with particular reference to the amount of alcohol imbibed and walnut whips - minus the walnut - ingested) however, there have been no default decisions, no second-rate compromises. Well, at least not with regards to anything of significance, and flat decor on a very limited budget hardly fell into that category.

She surveys the flat from the vantage point of her bed; a new double bed paid for by her mother and Karim’s hard work. She considers this and is flooded with gratefulness. And she remembers the cushions and throws bought by Chloe, the towels a present from Mrs Dewhurst and the posters - a gift from Izzy.

She had left with a single bag containing a few clothes and two treasured books that had kept her going even when she had surpassed every revised limit of tolerance she had set when the previous had been cruelly broken. She had been strangely surprised that the loss of her vinyl collection, something that would once have seemed unthinkable, had not been as mortally traumatising as expected. She couldn’t deny that she might like to listen to some long silent tunes but the greater part of her was afraid of what emotions might be roused.

She views the old CD player donated by Chloe and once again, her attention is drawn by the kindness of friends and family. She may not possess two matching plates or items of cutlery, but she had everything she would need. Each and every bestowed item had history and meaning and they made her thankful.

The shrill ring of an aged BT telephone, one of the few items that the flat was 'furnished' with on arrival, finally breaks her pensiveness.  
  


*******************************************  
  


“Rae, babes….. what took you so long?”

“Hey Chlo. Sorry - I was off with the fairies. You know what it’s like with my party lifestyle - all these late nights!”

“How’s the job going? I mean…. are you coping ok with the hours and that?”

The unsaid words hung between them but Rae was not going to let them undermine her mood.

“Well I can pour a damn mean pint now…You know one without a massive head.”

“What? Pints’ have heads?” Chloe’s giggles echoed down the crackly line.

“Nevermind Chlo…to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“So babes…You remember when we went to that club last week?”

“I’m hardly going to forget such a good night out!”

“Well…I want to, you know, get my tattoo done.”

“OK, right.” Her tone may have been a touch dismissive as evidenced by her friend’s reply:

“Well I have thought about it loads. And I’ve always wanted a tattoo…nothing blokish though…something feminine and girly.”

“Okay…”

“And I have come up with the. perfect. design.”

“So…spill then?”

“Well it’s like a special sort of butterfly….pink and blue and green…but not too big…you know small and delicate!”

“So where do you want this butterfly then?”

“On my lower stomach….Somewhere that only special people will see…and mum and dad won’t know too which is a bonus.”

“Chlo you left home years ago…d’you honestly think they would care?”

“I…I ….it’s not just them you know I need to be careful because of work.”

“Good to know you’ve thought through this properly.”

“Yeah I have.” Indignation clearly present in Chloe’s tone but underneath it she was thrilled they were bickering again.

“So will you come with me Rae? Izz is coming but it’d mean a lot if you..”

“Of course I will Chlo. I’m your best mate. Can’t miss this crucial moment…first tattoo and all, could I?”

Rae rolled her eyes speculating just how much Chloe had considered this and the wisdom of her decision. Whilst Chloe clearly had her heart set the butterfly, Rae was concerned that her motive may have centered more around he of the impeccable arse and that probably shouldn’t be the sole reason for a lifelong piece of art. Rae then chided herself for being overly judgemental, after all, her current circumstances were testament to her not being a paragon of judicious or well informed decisions.  
  


************************************  
  


Chloe, Rae and Izzy arrived in high spirits at (S&N’s) Mystic Ink late on Saturday afternoon, having visited the pub for a small injection (or two) of Dutch courage. Chloe had dressed in the shortest of bandage skirts and a tight, but not not immodestly low, top. Izzy wore a floral shorts and top combo that shone brightly against Rae’s usual dark palette.

Chloe was the one to open the door, breezing into the shop front leaving Rae gazing at her shoes trailing at the rear.

“Hello… good to see yous again. May I just say how pretty you all look today?” It was the man with the bluest eyes.

“Oh why thank you.” Chloe responded.

Izzy blushed and Rae continued staring at the floor. A single pint had not alleviated her discomfort at these sort of light-hearted social interactions especially when she knew that the comment was most probably directed at Chloe and Izzy and she, well she would just be afterthought.

“So what can I do for you ladies today?”

Chop beamed, and out of the corner of her eye, Rae noticed that the following wink was not directed specifically at Chloe. For if it were meant for anyone, it would be for Izzy. Rae smiled to herself and for an unknown reason felt some of the tension carried in her shoulders dissipate.

“Well… you know how much I love tattoos and I’ve always wanted one like I said at the club. So I was hoping that…”

Chloe broke off mid sentence and Rae sensed her nervousness and stepped forward threading her arm through Chloe’s.

“I think what Chloe would like to discuss is the possibility of a butterfly tattoo.”

“Right you are m’lady. Would you like me to design something or have you something specific in mind?”

“Well, I was hoping to have one of Finn’s designs. I mean I thought the artwork on Mike’s arm was just…just amazing.”

“I see my dear, I am sure Finny-boy would love to ink you.” He responded with a cheeky grin.

“Right now, he’s with a client but I’ll be sure to fetch him, soon as he’s finished. In the meantime Mike and I can show you around and talk you through the whole process.”

“Right, thank you.”

Mike wandered through with a client who was heavily inked,tattoos extending up his neck and down onto his hands. The two shared something that Rae observed was half high-five, half man hug before the client left smiling knowingly at Mike.

“Hey girls…..” He greeted them with an unambiguous smirk.

Rae observed him, beanie on his head, full beard, tatty jeans and even she had to admit his physique would fill most girls with awe. She found the tattoos simply enhanced his body giving him something extra - mystique perhaps. She was captivated with how the chest piece seemed to extend up his neck. Her mind saturated with all the questions she wanted to ask about the incredible designs. She was paying particular attention to one of his arms which had a geometric design that seemed to have such depth and definition when Chop’s voice disturbed her concentration.

“Mikey - Chlo here would like our Finny to ink a lovely butterfly on her.”

“Good choice.” He nodded “A pretty butterfly for a pretty lady. So Chlo where… exactly would you like this butterfly placed?”

“Here on my lower stomach.” Chloe replied pulling her skirt down and using her fingers to indicate the size and placement.

Rae rolled her eyes - typical Chlo, and she couldn’t help but shake her head in silent mirth. For right now, she felt as if she had never been parted from her friends and the joy of old times crept back in, until she couldn’t help but allow her smile to infuse her entire being.

“What about you sweetheart? Would you like me to make you even more gorgeous?” Chop asked Izzy who simply responded in her adorable giggle.

Rae was so caught in her observation of the silent physical exchange between the pair that Mike’s change of position took her by surprise.

“Hey beautiful, you know you have the most incredible skin - like porcelain - it would be the highest honour to ink you.”

Once again, Rae was overwhelmed by his sheer physical presence, which resulted in her taking a step back, the tension firmly reinstated in her shoulders.

“Ouch!”

Rae spun around to find the cute man with glasses, guitar in hand.

“Sorry… the curse of clumsiness strikes again, I’ve got to stop bumping into you like this.”

Archie laughed. “Good to see you again, Rae.”

He held his hand out like a true gentleman and she shook it, giggling, whilst Chop and Mike took Chloe and Izzy off for a tour of the shop.

“Are you any good?” Rae nodded towards the guitar.

“Some might say…but that depends on what you classify as good.” He grinned.

“Well - you going to show me then?” Rae surprised herself with her own words. That could be bordering on flirting.

“I’d be happy to. Shall we go to the office?” Archie gestured with his hand.

The office was a small, messy room at the back of the shop. Mike and Chop’s laughter could be heard echoing out from another room but she wasn’t afraid. No, there was unequivocally no inherent fear of being alone with Archie and so Rae willingly shut the door. It was only later that she would come to muse over the significance of this seemingly trivial action.

Archie sat ontop of what was probably a desk, absolutely concealed in pieces of paper covered in drawings. Rae couldn’t help but finger a few of them and twist them around to try and discover the meaning of the artwork. She couldn’t let go of one in particular. It may have only been a pattern but the way it curled and looped spoke of the feminine, yet it was simultaneously bold and strong. She rotated it again to examine its intricacy.

“He’s an utterly amazing artist you know.”

Rae looked up and raised an eyebrow.

“If you were thinking of… well, Finn would be my choice.”

“Finn drew this?” From what Rae had seen of Finn in the club she couldn’t equate his grumpy masculine demeanor with this design.

“Yeah… and just between the two of us… he did this.” Archie lifted his shirt revealing a moderately-sized piece of his back, which looked to be some sort of classical design woven into a circle.

“He based it on ancient Greek art. Bloody good, isn’t it?”

Rae nodded and moved closer to inspect it in detail. Inexplicably, she wanted to trace her fingers over it, as if it had actual physical definition, but she held back. The thought of touching him seemed too intimate, too risky, too uncertain.

“Bloody good.” She concurred. “Now what’ya going to play?”

Her self preservation instinct had dictated the change of tactic and atmosphere. She may not have felt in the slightest bit threatened by Archie, yet something deeper down, something she was not ready to face had made itself felt and she was determined not to allow it admission.

“Well… how’s about a little acoustic version of Return of the Mack?”

She tilted her head in anticipation. He took this as his invitation and started playing. Rae had to admit he was damn good and his voice worked so well with the acoustic guitar. She was completely lost in the music and didn’t even notice the door open.

“Archer, thought I could hear ya….”

Rae looked up to see Finn scowling at her. What the fuck was his problem?

“Hey Finn, just playing a tune for Rae.”

Rae smiled at Finn but it wasn’t returned. His lip curled up on one side “Look Mae, I need ta discuss…” But before he could finish Rae cut him off:

“Right, I had better see where the girls have got to. Thanks Archie, that was great.”

She hadn’t meant to be so blunt, so fleeting of praise. She left to the sound of Archie’s protestations and the door being slammed behind her. She found Chloe and Izzy drinking cups of tea on a sofa with Chop and Mike in the shop front.

  
“So baby girl, has Archer been showing off his guitar skills?”

Rae stared and the floor and attempted to smile but it simply wouldn’t come.

“You ok, sweetness?” Mike was suddenly standing near her again.

Rae smiled. “Look girls, I erm… I think I might have left the iron on… must get back… don’t want to burn me new place down do I? See ya later.”

She waved, turned on her heel and left, heart racing and a nauseous feeling rising from her stomach.

“Your mate Rae OK? Do I need to go and have a word with our Archer?”

Both Izzy and Chloe shook their heads.

“Well if he’s stepped out of line…” Chop continued. Izzy suddenly took his rough hand in her small, soft one and with it, took control of the situation.

Chop looked at her and read the look in her eyes for what it was and quickly changed the subject to a party they were hosting the following week.  
  


***********************************************************  
  


Rae was drinking her second cup of tea, trying to tune into a song on the radio when her attention was grabbed by louding knocking on her door. Her heart rate temporarily soared until she heard the familiar voice.

“Rae, babes…Rae?”

She sighed, extracted herself from the dip in her sagging sofa, and opened the door.

“Rae, babes… I… we were worried about you?”

“It’s ok, I’m fine, promise.”

She then realised that they were all still standing in the doorway.

“Come on in girls… bloody rude of me leaving you standing out in a hallway that stinks of stale takeaways and cats’ piss. Take it the front door was on the latch?”

Izzy nodded and Rae tutted dramatically.

“So Chlo when’s the big day? You know, tattoo day?”

“Finn’s first free appointment is in a couple of weeks.”

“Right - do you understand the whole process a bit better -  you know what to expect?”

“Yeah, Chop and Mike spent ages explaining which is why it took us so long to get back.”

Rae was relieved when the obvious question did not follow.

“Chop was so helpful and so lovely…” Izzy gushed.

Rae and Chloe shared a synchronous look realising just how smitten their friend was. However, not wishing to be outdone on the man front Chloe butted in:

“Yeah and at the end Finn came and looked at my design and he’s going to rework it a bit and make it more personal….less generic and more stylised you know.”

Rae suppressed a smirk as she intuitively knew that Chloe was repeating Finns words ad verbatim as gospel in that voice of hers that she used when she was taking something seriously, far too seriously even. Chloe hardly knew the guy and yet she was prepared to mark herself for life just to get to know him better.

Rae thought about saying something like she considered a good friend should but something held her back. She was hardly in a position to judge on matters of the heart or what comprised good decisions. She shook her head as if trying to shake off the rising self negativity and bit her inside cheek hard, the pain enabling her to focus back on the present.

“Right girls, can I get you a drink? I was thinking of cracking open the voddy. You with me?”

“Bloody hell, it’s what? Half five?”

“And Chlo? It’s a Saturday night and it’s just a couple of shots…gotta work in a couple of hours for fuck’s sake.”

Chloe’s smile lit up her pretty face and Izzy nodded and scurried off to find some glasses but returned with three mugs.

“Jesus, no Izz. I do need to be able to stand up when I’m at work. I may only be a barmaid but I need this job. Besides I’ve got just the thing….”

Rae picked up a dish from her draining board and produced three tiny jam jars from underneath.

“These are about the right size girls - shall we give them a go?”

“Rae where on earth did you get these?”

“Jim gave them to me…when they were full. He often sends me home with a few bits and pieces….there are some advantages to working in a hotel bar!”

Chloe smiled. The more she heard about Jim the bar manager, the more she liked him. She had been concerned about Rae working in a bar; concerned that she was still too fragile and concerned about the possibility of a panic attack while being surrounded by strangers. But as soon as she had met Jim, she understood; he was incredibly calm and had a very sunny disposition, which shouldn’t have been too surprising given that he was Izzy’s cousin.

Izzy giggled. “Mum would be so jealous if she knew that Jim was giving you special treatment Rae… what else has he given you?”

“Just bits and pieces you know - some of those small boxes of cereal, washing up liquid, toilet roll, shampoos … you know all the glamourous stuff.”

Izzy smiled. Pleased wasn’t the right word, grateful was closer. Jim had confided in her last week that he was thrilled with his latest recruit as she had a strong work ethic and was polite and charming with the customers, and importantly, she had been very flexible about which shifts she worked. He had confessed that he knew the pay was piss poor but he’d help as much as he could practically and Izzy now understood these small gifts were what he had meant.

Rae half filled the little jars and handed them out. She held hers aloft for the others to chink.

“Cheers girls… down the hatch!” she winked.  
  


*************************************************************  
  


Rae was tired, her feet ached, her back ached and her head was sore but she welcomed the physical exhaustion because it allowed her to sleep. It always seemed to be on her days off that the nightmares haunted her. She comprehended that their very existence was due to the words she had, as yet, been incapable of giving voice but the inexorable truth was that those wounds were still too raw for her to process.

“Rae babes… you off with the fairies or dreaming of a certain man again.”

Rae blinked, bile had risen into her throat because the man she had been thinking of, had once again entered into her life uninvited. It may only have been a brief reflection but her body reacted physically against it. She blinked away a couple of tears and tried to force her lips into a smile.

Chloe heard the unspoken message.

“Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, pretty please.”

“Coming right up.”

Rae added a small cocktail umbrella to the drink with a smile, recalling how they used to drink cocktails in what they had deemed “posh” bars when at university.

“Oooo gone all upmarket have we? Thanks Rae.”

“So Rae…remember I was telling you about Chop’s party.”

Rae attempted to frown, how could she pretend not to know? Chloe had mentioned it every night on the phone.

“Chop’s party……oh yes you might have mentioned it once…..maybe twice.” She said nostrils flared trying to keep a straight face.

“You silly moo… you know full well what I’m talking about… it’s on Saturday and I thought we could come round yours and get ready together… you know, like old times.”

Chloe’s voice had trailed off to the point of being almost inaudible at the end and Rae knew how much this meant to her, so she tried to break the news gently.

“Chlo…it’s just….the rota and ….”

Rae swallowed as she saw Chloe’s face fall and the guilt, an emotion she should be immune to as it formed a part of her very being, cut her deeply. She had meant to find a colleague and swap shifts with but her reticence at going out to a party had won the battle. She sighed.

“Hey Rae…you look dead on your feet…it’s quiet…go home I’ll cover the rest of your shift.” Jim smiled.

“Nah you’re alright, thanks though Jim. I’ve got tomorrow night off - so plenty of time to recover before the busy double shift on Saturday.”

“Ah yes… I wanted to talk to you about that.” Jim tried and failed to conceal a grimace. “Thing is Rae I really could use you tomorrow night as we have a hen party in.”

“Oh ok…that’s fine.”

“Thanks sweetheart…forgot to tell you the good news though - if you can cover Saturday lunch time for me, I can give you Saturday night off instead.”

Rae’s eyes widened and she could hardly miss Chloe’s little cheer in the background. She shook her head, a wry smile at the gods of fate formed on her lips. There was no way of escaping Chop’s infernal party now.

“Great one. Thanks Jim.” Sarcasm thinly veiled in her voice.

“You’ll get time and half for tomorrow night Rae…given you finish at 2:30 on Saturday …should give you enough time to go shopping or something.”

“Thanks Jim…I mean it.” She smiled and gently touched his arm.

She briefly considered why she’d always been so relaxed with Jim. It had helped when Izzy had explained that Jim had just broken up with his boyfriend but the fact she wasn’t intimidated by his presence was not the sole reason. Jim simply and unquestioningly accepted and supported her.  
  
  


***************************************************  
  
  


The last half hour had been constituted a special kind of torture for Rae. Part of her looked back with fondness for the times they used to do this together and the other part looked back with sadness knowing what had halted them. She caught a fleeting glimpse of herself trapped in that house, sobbing for the loss of these kind of interactions and had to take a deep breath to compose herself.

“Just a bit more lip gloss Rae and you’ll be perfect. I can’t wait to show you.” Izzy chirped.

“Are you sure I can’t convince you to wear something a bit more….a little less….”

“No Chlo, I’m fine as I am.” Rae replied firmly.

Rae knew that her friend really thought she should be wearing something brighter and maybe show a bit more flesh but she was comforted by Chloe’s effort to say to something despite knowing that Rae wouldn’t change her mind.

Rae’s navy knee length dress had three quarter length sleeves and a high neck, a black pan collar and three extra large black buttons. It tied under the bust at the back with a black belt. It was flattering yet very modest.

“Right then… can I tempt you with a quick couple of shots before we get going then? You know it’s cold out... might help warm us up for the walk.”

“Chlo, honestly!” She rolled her eyes and a smile lit up her face.

“I can’t be arsed to get the shot jars out… I vote we swig from the bottle… provided neither of you are carrying some deadly lurgy?”

“Rae Earl, did I hear you correctly? Are you seriously suggesting that we share vodka directly from the bottle?” Chloe retorted.

“Yeah Rae… I mean it’s not very ladylike is it?” Izzy said, incapable of masking either the grin on her face or laughter in her voice.

“Yeah well, we all know I am a massive reprobate… and it means we can keep drinking on the walk… that would meet your objective of keeping us warm and… well, fuck it!” Rae opened the bottle and took a long slug.

“Anything you can do, Earl……” Chloe took a huge mouthful and couldn’t help but grimace as she swallowed the burning liquid.

Izzy downed a much smaller amount and coughed. “God, it’s like being back at Uni.” She quickly bit her lip realising what had started at University, knowing Rae had thus far shown no inclination that she was ready to talk about it.

“Izz, please it’s fine. Uni was fun in so many ways. I’m not senile enough to have forgotten our crazy nights out… not yet anyways… might be in a few hours though…” She giggled, winked and grabbed the bottle back off Izzy.

**************************************

By the time the girls arrived at the party, they had merrily quaffed over a half a bottle of vodka albeit a medium one. Spirits were high, Chloe and Izzy were skipping and then they each linked an arm with Rae.

“No way… you’ve gone too far this time….way too far….no friggin way.”

Within a couple of minutes Rae joined in and then literally skipped into Archie.

“Oh shit sorry Archie….you’ve probably worked out by now that I should come with a health warnin’ for clumsiness.”

“Good to see you Rae.” Archie pulled Rae into a hug.

Chloe and Izzy shared a look unsure as to how Rae would react to this noting her stiff posture. But that soon melted and she was hugging him back; the look morphed into a smile - Chloe’s certainly implying something Izzy hadn’t yet considered.

“Not brought your guitar tonight then?” Rae winked at Archie.

He laughed “Most definitely not. Chop’s got one should I feel the need, but his sort of parties aren’t really ….well you’ll see.”  
  


*****************************************  
  


The four arrived at Chop and Finn’s semi-detached house located at the bottom of a residential street. Chloe tugged Rae’s sleeve as they walked up the driveway and tried to whisper.

“It’s a bit quiet…for a party.”

The vodka had robbed Chloe of any sense of volume or tact and Archie laughed.

“Yeah well these things don’t usually kick off ‘till at least 10.”

“Then why did Chop tell us half 8?”

Archie tried to make a small gesture drawing his finger across his neck at Rae and trying to point subtlely at Izzy but Chloe saw.

“What? I don’t get it?”

“Chloe-bells I think we are needed to erm… you know help set up……” Rae replied.

Chloe’s face was a picture and Rae elbowed her.

“You know you on decor….me on the music.” She said eyeballs wide trying to nod towards Izzy.

“Oh… oh yeah of course…..” Chloe finally caught on.

Chloe took Izzy’s arm. “So Izz, what cocktails do you fancy tonight?”

Archie slung an arm casually around Rae’s shoulder and whispered his thanks followed by “Fuck’s sake don’t say anything to Chop, he’ll kill me.”

The gesture felt natural and comfortable to Rae, who didn’t shrink away from it. Instead she smiled at Archie, who responded by placing a kiss on her cheek.

The four proceeded into the house in their two linked pairs. Chop greeted them with his normal effusive grin and led Izzy and Chloe through to the kitchen to get a drink while Archie steered Rae towards the lounge.

“So music’s your thing then?”

She bit her lip and nodded.

Archie gestured towards a professional set of decks and boxes of vinyl.

“You going to get it started then? Find something and surprise me... when Mike’s mates arrive we won’t be able to get pissing Megadeth, Iron Maiden and Metallica off the tables…”

Rae briefly froze and Archie turned to her. “You ok?”

She looked at the boxes on the floor collecting herself. “Just been a while that’s all.” She looked at the decks and a determined smile formed on her lips.

“Right, we’ll see if anyone in this house actually has decent taste in music.”

Archie barely suppressed a laugh knowing that his mate Finn would not be impressed, in fact he would be livid if he heard such a remark because Finn liked to think he knew it all when it came to music. Likewise, Archie knew how pissed off Finn would be when Mike’s mates arrived and inflicted their music on the party. There shouldn’t be a huge argument tonight Archie mused because Finn’s girlfriend was finally due back in town and that would keep him quiet for a few hours at least.

What Archie hadn’t bargained on was Finn coming down the stairs in a vest, jeans and one of Mike’s beanies, cigarette dangling from his lips on hearing the opening chords of 'This is the One'.

“Good choice Archer. You’re on form tonight.”

“Wasn’t me… Rae put it on.” Archie replied hands held aloft indicating innocence.

Finn turned and glowered at Rae.

“God Mae, did ya just think ya could come in here and help yerself to me decks and play whatever ya liked!”

“Finn… I asked her and you’ve got to admit it’s a bloody terrific track.”

Finn took a couple of seconds to take this on board. “Well you choose the next one Archer - we really need to get this going and I don’t want ta listen to any old shit.”

Rae surveyed Finn - tattooed muscular arms on full show and tousled hair escaping from the beanie, as he took a lengthy drag on his cigarette and blew a column of smoke upwards. He was undeniably ridiculously fit but by Christ he was one hell of a moody tosser. And, unexpectedly, something inside her snapped, liberating a long absent fire.

“I bloody well know my music. I’ll put the next tune on. I know how to handle my vinyl thank you.”

Finn’s lip curled up on one side “Seriously Mae… shouldn’t you be at home playing with your My Little Ponies? Archie knows his music… he’s puttin’ the next track on.”

“It’s Rae.”

“Mae, Rae, whatever, love.”

“I’m putting the next tune on and if it makes your ears bleed…I won’t ever touch your precious vinyl again.” She scoffed, followed by an audible “Prick” muttered under her breath.

Rae turned round replaying Finn’s patronising smile at him and went searching through the crates.

Finn frowned looking at Archie who shrugged his shoulders and smiled. As 'Sabotage' blasted through the house, Archie was unable to prevent a smirk at Finn’s attempt at looking nonplussed which ill concealed how pissed off he was.

Chop sauntered in beaming giving Rae a high five: “Bangin’ tune my dear… let’s get this party started!”

Chloe and Izzy started to dance round the room whooping in anticipation of an amazing night and in celebration of the return of a part of the old Rae.

Archie noticed how Finn walked out of the room shaking his head as soon as Mike started joining in the dance, ushering Rae to join them.

*********************************************

Chloe and Rae sat outside sharing yet another drink, laughing and chatting, even debating memories of long-ago parties.

“Babes… looks like you’re well in there tonight….you could deffo pull Archie or Mike… you know if you felt like… you know if you wanted…” She trailed off, realising her friend probably didn’t want to.

“Sorry… me and my big mouth… too soon, right?”

Rae nodded giving a thin smile and rested her head on Chloe’s shoulder.

“You know I think Chop laid on the whole summerhouse thing just for Izz.” She nodded towards a wooden shed decorated in fairylights, through whose open door a sea of cushions could be seen.

Chloe smiled “She really likes him too…..so sweet and he’s so gorgeous.”

“What about you….anyone catch your eye? Or are you still just droolin’ over Finn?”

Chloe shrugged. “I heard Archie say Finn’s got a girlfriend… typical... every bloody guy I fancy…”

Rae watched her friend pick at her cuticles and took her hand in hers.

“You’ll find the right one when you’re not looking Chlo. You’re pretty and so lovely. Any guy would be lucky to date you - don’t forget that.”

“Aww Rae thanks… I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too babes.” she replied which made Chloe giggle.

Then she added conspiratorially “You missed the bit where Archie said Finn’s relationship is a bit tricky… I get the feeling that all is not sweetness and light in that department…..but I don’t really know what he meant…..” She shrugged.

“Bet she’s gorgeous though.”

“She may be….but there’s got to be something wrong with her if she can put up with that mardy wanker.”

“Rae!”

“Just sayin’.”

Archie’s face cracked into a huge smile at the pair who had collapsed in a giggling heap on the floor, having just unwittingly left the lounge door open.

“Having a good time then girls? Told you it would be top class.”

As the music changed a look of horror crossed Rae’s happy features.

“Fuck’s sake if I hear 'Enter friggin’ Sandman' one more time tonight, I’m going to poke my own eyeballs out….. that’s it I tell you… E-fucking-nuff.”

Rae stormed inside with the others trailing in her wake. She leafed through the vinyl looking for something special, something to get the party back on track.

“Chlo -  I need a snakebite now.” She commanded.

Chloe smiled knowingly at Archie and disappeared off to the kitchen.

Finn sidled up to Archie, a thunderous expression on his face.

“What the fuck is Mae doin’ now?”

Archie shrugged and watched as Rae took her selection to the turntables and deftly switched to her tune.

As the unmistakable opening bars of Nirvana’s 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' played, Mike’s friends began to dance in crazy fashion, leaping and jumping around the room. However, Finn’s looked like he had been sucking a lemon.

“Pissin’ Nirvana. Nobody likes them anymore. Grunge is prehistoric.” He grumbled.

“Really?… Have you looked around this party mate… what on earth has got into…”

“Nelson… there you are you bell-end… Laura’s here.”

Finn looked at Chop and shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, well, I’ve got a music crisis that needs sortin’.”

Chops face crumpled into disbelief and he looked at Archie who frowned in response.

Finn went to look for another LP to play but Rae was too quick and beat him too it with The Smashing Pumpkins’ Bullet with Butterfly Wings.

“Fuck’s sake, Mae.” Finn looked at her in total disdain.

“Rae here’s your drink… heavy on the cider as you like it.” Chloe smiled.

Rae smiled her thanks and raised an eyebrow at Finn in defiance and steadily downed the pint in one. “Tosser,” she murmured.

A slight frown crossed Finn’s face and he had to look away and swallow. He was on the point of yet again trying to select another LP, hands already flicking through the vinyl, when he felt a small hand grab his arse and another on his arm. He span around to find his petite girlfriend Laura pouting at him.

Instead of sweeping her off her feet and telling her how beautiful she was, as he would always do when she returned from travelling with her band, he gave her a hurried peck on the cheek and muttered something about getting them a drink before disappearing into the kitchen.

Chloe grabbed Rae’s arm and pulled her to one side.

“Oh my God, is she Finn’s girlfriend?”

“How would I know?…..Looks like it though.” Rae shrugged in indifference and looked at Izzy in who had joined them.

“She’s just so… so tiny.” Continued Chloe.

“Amazing tattoos though.” Added Izzy.

The trio looked at Laura, assessing her raven black hair, the pale skin, the pierced nose, the corset top and tiny skirt and those tattoos that spread down both arms, over her chest and back and down her legs. Rae noted how they included a lot of roses and she had to admit that Laura looked like an old-fashioned pin up girl. The trio watched as Laura first kissed Mike and then put an arm around Chop kissing him on the lips which made him look distinctly uncomfortable.

“Fuckin’ hell. She and Finn are so welcome to each other……” declared Rae. “Come on girls. Do you fancy one for road or shall we just make tracks?”

“I’m tired. Let’s go.” said Izzy, her usual fizz having evaporated into the smoky air.

Rae hugged her friend. “You sure you don’t want to say goodbye?”

Izzy shook her head and her friends took her arms and the trio made their way out. They were only half way down the garden path when Mike and Chop bounced up.

“Ladies… you can’t go home now… pretty please.” Mike winked at them.

“Izzy’s tired.” Chloe shrugged.

“Baby girl…” Chop took Izzy’s hand in his and pulled her aside a hand hidden behind his back.

Rae and Chloe couldn’t help but view the pair as Chop produced a rose from behind his back, but their attention was quickly purloined by Mike, who took Rae’s hand in his.

“So, gorgeous… can I can convince you to come out with me one night - hey?”

Rae pulled her trembling hand away and blushed shaking her head.

“S…s sorry... I… er.”

“It’s okay… you don’t need to say anything. But if you change your mind… anytime, darling.”  Mike smiled and waved, walking back to the house.

Chloe raised her eyebrows at Rae. “Fuck, he’s hot Rae.”

She nodded. “I know,” she said quietly and then nudged Chloe in the ribs to see Chop kiss Izzy. But in the background, both clearly glimpsed Finn smoking, back pressed against the side wall of the house, clearly alone.  
  
  


******************************  
  


The three had been walking for about 5 minutes when Chloe pulled the half full bottle of vodka out of her coat pocket grinning.

“Ooh, girls…..”

“It would be rude not to.” smirked Rae grabbing the bottle and taking the first swig.

Their laughter echoed through the silent streets as they walked home through the still, dark night.

 


	3. Chapter 3

She wakes up and realises today is another significant day in her new life. A contented smile forms on her lips for its not just the feathers in her duvet and the wool of her blanket keeping her warm and safe: it’s the love of close friends and family and the joy of once again being herself and forging new friendships.

She appreciates her first month of freedom and permits herself the somewhat dubious pleasure of looking back three months and thinking that back then she would never have dared dream that she would again find pride in her very existence. But this past month has brought enlightenment and a self-determination that she had long considered crushed beyond salvation.

Her job has given her financial independence, her flat has allowed her uncontained liberty to live how she wishes, most importantly free from that which subjected her to the most horrific physical incarceration and helpless mental impotence. Most importantly, she considers, is the peace of knowing her ability to feel to love has not been permanently disfigured.

She made herself a strong tea and retired to the tatty sofa, wrapping the throw around her and stretched languorously. Her mind wandered back to previous Friday, another night spent at the club.  
  


********************************  
  


Chop had very much been courting Izzy in the old fashioned sense; taking her out on a series of mini-dates to cafes, the cinema and even to the park. Chop might have been a brash, hard partying, tattooed cheeky man but underneath the larger than life shell, he was an old-fashioned gent who was fiercely protective of his friends and his girl.

He had insisted that Rae join Chloe, Izzy and his friends for a proper night out. Rae had missed the meal and pre-club drinks thanks to work. It had taken all of her newly found courage to walk into the club on her own. She had been questioning the wisdom of this fortitude as a group of men had surrounded her and tried to chat her up while she searched in vain for her friends. She had backed herself into a wall in a misguided attempt at departure which had turned their leader even more lecherous. Her head had hung low, her fists balled digging her nails hard into her palm, visions of her past torments had cruelly permeated her mind uncontrollably.

She was certain it was Archie who had spotted her, nonetheless it was Finn’s voice and presence that had finally broken through her petrified state by physically shattering the circle around her with a growl of: “ Back the hell off”, enveloping her shaking body with his strong arms and pushing their way out.

“Fuck’s sake Mae.” He grumbled in a low whisper before gently handing her over to Archie and joining Mike and Chop in a very physical show of strength and ire.

She remembered how she had felt one of the threads holding back the torrent of excruciating emotions break. She had been very afraid, words had failed her but nevertheless she hadn’t wanted to spoil her friends’ night out and declined their repeated offers of taking her home. She had taken comfort in the familiar: Chop and Izzy cuddling, Chloe, Mike and Archie dancing and Finn looking grumpier than ever, Laura sat on his lap running her fingers up and down his thighs.

When Laura had finally left to get drinks, having made a show of bending right over in front of Finn, ostensibly to fiddle with a lace on her ridiculously high heels; Rae had briefly caught sight of Finn staring into the distance chewing the inside of his mouth before he too had disappeared. However, he had shortly returned to his previous seat and commenced his now familiar ritual of rolling a cigarette whilst completely ignoring her.

Curiously enough, she’d soon found her voice again when fucking Spaceman, the song she considered the epitome of crap music had started to play.

“The ruddy bastard that wrote this shit deserves to be holed up in isolation with the Backstreet Boys for a month.”

Finn raised an eyebrow. “What? You that thinks yerself Queen of cool music don’t like Babylon Zoo?”

She rolled her eyes. “Obviously….and?”

He sniggered. “And ya really think ya knows yer music yeah?” His face was a picture of contempt.

“Well you….you probably know as much about music as my mum.” She had sniped back.

She remembered the fleeting flash of annoyance on his face thinking that he was about to make some wisecrack in response when she noticed something else - he looked as if he might be smiling whilst smoking his cigarette. She had dared yet another glance and that time there was no denying he was smiling at her - this time through his lashes. For a second she had felt something she couldn’t recognise and then was mortified to find she was blushing. She could swear a small chuckle had escaped his lips.

Even now, she couldn’t be certain because the mood had changed dramatically as Laura had seductively repositioned herself on Finn’s lap. (Had Rae not turned away, she would have detected the rather unsubtle tensing in Finn’s posture that Archie had not failed to notice. However, neither Archie nor Finn had missed how Rae’s body had involuntarily tensed to the point of a startle when Mike crashed down on the sofa next to her and the way she had attempted to force the illusion of being relaxed and comfortable.)

She recollected how she’d conceeded shortly thereafter and quietly mumbled something about a taxi before shooting off to say goodbyes to her girlfriends. Archie had insisted on taking a taxi with her after a word in Chloe’s ear, but then he’d needed to go “for a piss.”

And somehow Finn had been there waiting outside for a taxi with her, an utterly unreadable expression on his face, inimitable grouchy body language but standing close enough that she could not only remember the smell of tobacco, beer, sweat and the remnants of aftershave but she could also recall his warmth.  
  


************************************************  
  


She realised her tea had gone cold and she couldn’t be bothered to get another cup. She’d have to get a grip soon as she needed to get to the hotel within the hour. But she allowed herself a final few minutes thinking just how tonight’s fun had been planned.

The shared taxi had first stopped at the run of shops, which her flat was situated on top of. Archie had said he would feel better if he could see her inside but she had firmly but politely declined. However, just as the Taxi had been setting off, she’d run back over tapped on the window and shouted her number and said they must get together and do something.

They had initially met for a cup of tea in the library where he had been researching ancient greek letters for a tattoo that Mike was designing. They had ended up laughing so much that they had been asked to leave as they were “disturbing people’s quiet reading.” This had engendered some silly high jinx, running around outside, singing loudly and finishing off each others lyrics. They had ended up in the pub playing silly self-invented drinking games. Both had finally been ruined by Rae’s “Down a shot every time a shit song comes on” game, as they were in a city centre pub known for being frequented by under age drinkers.

They had parted company on the walk home; Archie had run behind some bushes more than once to water them with the fiery contents of his stomach and Rae had tripped over her own feet so many times, that she’d decided diverting to a taxi rank was a necessity.

She had laughed when he’d called the following evening to apologise for his wayward behaviour, groaning that despite spending the entire day wallowing on the sofa, he still felt as if Satan had “taken a piss” on his soul. She had confessed to waking up on the bathroom floor having spent an inordinate amount of time talking to God on the porcelain phone, which had generated generous laughter at the other end of the line.

They had decided that a quiet night in would be a sensible follow-up and the appointed day had now arrived. She was oddly relieved that she had no misgivings about having invited him into her home; her sanctuary, although she could have accepted the invitation to his flat. It was only going to be a take-away and a movie or two and she reasoned as she’d chosen comedies there was little danger of straying into the awkward territory of her past.

Rae smiled, looked at her watch crying “Oh fuckity fuck…fuck….fuck”, leapt off the sofa and started frantically pulling some clothes on.  
  


*************************************************  
  


Izzy and Chloe sat in a cafe where they had met for afternoon tea.

“So where is Chop taking you tonight, Izz?”

Izzy shook her head, her red hair bouncing over her shoulders. “He wouldn’t tell me. Said he wanted it to be a surprise.”

“Aww that so romantic Izz….” Chloe’s face fell. “Just wish I could find some nice bloke.”

Izzy covered her friend’s hand with her own. “You will - when you least expect it.” she said with complete conviction. “And after everything you deserve an extra special guy and they just take longer to come around.”

Chloe smiled at her friend. “Thanks Izz….So what d’you think about Rae?”

Izzy looked puzzled.

“You know about her and Archie? or her and Mike?” Chloe waggled her eyebrows.

Her initial reaction to the movie night had been somewhat put out especially as Rae hadn’t told her about their library rendez-vous. However, the jealousy had quickly turned into excitement at the possibility of her friend taking such a significant step on the journey to regain her life.

Izzy considered the question before responding not wishing to betray Chop’s confidence. “I think…I think she and Archie are probably just friends.”

“But he’s really fit and he seems really nice.”

“Yeah but I think they’re just meant to be friends. And I think….well I think we both know that she struggles with Mike even though he seems a pussycat at heart.” She swallowed.

Chloe nodded giving a thin smile. “Shame though, he’s got a great body and I agree he’s a really sweet guy….underneath all those tattoos and stuff.”

“Well Chop really rates him as a mate and I’m sure he wouldn’t if he was a complete numpty or something.”

“Izz… what’s the deal with Finn? I mean him and Laura.”

Izzy shook her head. “I don’t know Chlo. I really don’t. She’s so beautiful but I get the feeling something’s not right. Finn seems even grumpier than normal…if that’s possible. Chop’s been quite worried I think but ……. Finn’s actually a nice guy when you get to know him under that gruff exterior.”

Chloe raised her eyebrows and Izzy continued.

“He made me breakfast the other day when Chop was still puking from having drunk too much and we had a little chat about tattoos and stuff.”

“You still not made your mind up then?”

“No, yes, no… I mean I’m not having one. And Finn wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to have one just to impress Chop. I don’t know exactly what he said because he was mumbling but that was the gist of it anyway.”

“That’s so sweet….. and he’s got a body to die for. Do you know if he’s got other tattoos …other than the ones on his arms?”

Izzy laughed. “Well when we were talking he was just in his vest and boxers and I could only see those on his arms….I couldn’t see any others…unless they’re somewhere….you know like….”

Chloe’s eyes opened wide “You mean on his bum?”

“I was thinking of chest or back but I suppose.”

“Has Chop got loads of tattoos then?”

Izzy nodded “Quite a lot really; arms, back, ribs, one on his chest but he’s not covered like Mike.”

“Do they bother you Izzy? I mean honestly, would you prefer him without?”

Izzy thought for a moment and shook her head. “They’re part of him. Each one has a story and history behind it and I wouldn’t change them for anything. He has a great body and they just make him look a bit like a bad boy when he’s not really…he’s actually a real softy.” She smiled.

Chloe couldn’t help but return to her favourite topic:

“Do you think Finn’s got a good body from what you saw. I mean he looks like he has.”

Izzy shrugged. “I suppose. He’s certainly really well defined but not too muscly I think. Actually, something is a bit weird though Chlo…its like Finn’s someone else when it’s just Chop,me and him but when anyone else is there…..I dunno he’s just …he’s just different.”

Chloe considered the previous statement. “You know I’ve been thinking of getting another small inking.”

Izzy raised her eyebrows. “Think carefully Chlo….remember what Finn said to me….its got to be right just for you …not for anyone else……..”

There was a moments silence where both girls drank some of their tea.

“I think Rae’s starting to come out of her shell Izz…..That argument she had with Finn at the party was definitely the old Rae……But I’m still worried about her Izz. I know she’s done so well but …has she said anything to you about…because she’s not said anything to me…. and I don’t think she’s been talking to anyone…” her tone changed and fists clenched “Thing is I am so fucking angry about it. What did he do to her Izz?”

Tears formed in Izzy’s eyes as she shook her head. “Maybe….maybe we’ll never know Chlo. We just have to support her the best we can.”

“But he’s still here, living in this town and ….”

“It’s Rae’s decision Chlo. But if I ever see him again, I’m going to….going to give him a piece of my mind and tell him what a shit excuse for a human being he is.”

The pair fell silent and picked at their cake, certain words and speculation best remained unsaid until their friend found the strength to vocalise them.  
  
  


**********************************************  
  


In spite of the Saturday lunchtime shift having a terrible reputation for simultaneously being full of families on weekends away and punters wanting to start their nights drinking too early, this one had been relatively kind to Rae. She was neither exhausted nor irritable by the time she collected her belongings and walked home in the late afternoon sunshine.

She allowed herself plenty of time for a lengthy shower accompanied by the radio and had been momentarily shocked to find herself singing along loudly to Garbage’s I’m only Happy When it Rains. The feeling had dissolved rapidly into loud peals of laughter realising that she was singing about rain while showering.

She opted for comfortable as opposed to pretty clothes; pulling on jeans and a lumberjack shirt. She was still happily ensconced in her tidying-up to the radio routine when the doorbell rang loudly and she buzzed to let Archie up. In the end, she had to run down the stairs and open the external door.

“Sorry Archer, landlord’s just had the door fixed again and as usual, it still needs fixing….Oh and you may need to hold your nose as one of the neighbour’s cats is most definitely incontinent.”

Having feasted on take-away and laughed through the first movie, Archie cracked open another can of lager, tossing one irreverently to Rae. He then rummaged through his back-pack and pulled out what looked to be a small cardboard square.

“I totally forgot, Finn asked me to give this to you, reckons you need to listen to some decent music so you don’t ask the DJ for any shit tunes next time you’re out….or something like that.”

Archie smirked as Rae flushed red and her mouth formed a small ‘o’ shape before taking the cardboard square and liberating its contents.

Her jaw had dropped on inspecting, a genuine 1989 7-inch pressing of “I wanna be adored.” She was totally absorbed in its details, the smell, the cover, the feel of the vinyl.

“Going to put it on then?”

The illusion shattered and she hung her head, biting her lip hard. What could she say? Her mind raced through a number of options that were nothing more than straight lies and then it came to her that perhaps something of the truth wouldn’t be too awful, too distressing.

“Erm ….you see Archie….I …” She sighed and dropped her head onto her knees.

 

***********************************

Archie sat there in silence, perceiving that Rae had something she wished to impart, something that clearly troubled her deeply. Chloe had told him that Rae had only recently moved into her flat but it wasn’t the sparse or mismatched decor that perturbed him. He contemplated the lack of personal effects such as photos, books for someone with a self-professed love of reading, albums for girl he knew would fight for her music.

He considered his next action with great care and cautiously stretched out a hand and placed it on her shoulder.

“You don’t have to….it’s fine honestly. I can fix us a drink and we can watch the next film.”

 

*************************

Rae’s heart hammered in her tightening chest, her palms slippery and her breath short but she did her best to repress these physical manifestations of her distress. The feeling of his warm hand on her shoulder mitigated the rising panic to a tolerable level.

“You see…..that’s all I have.” She gestured at the donated CD player perched on the tatty, empty MDF bookcase.

She took his continued calm and unchanged position as the invitation (as he had intended) for her to continue.

“I….I left my last place in a hurry with just what I could carry.”

“You see, it was a…..a difficult relationship.”

Silent tears rolled down her cheeks yet she unhesitatingly accepted his gentle embrace. It could have been seconds, minutes or hours they shared in stillness until finally his voice broke silence.

“Erm Rae….look I’m sorry but I really need to pee.”

She giggled and nudged against him.

He stiffly got up from the floor: “Shit… my arse is numb.” And he promptly stumbled over.

Rae tried to help him up, tripped and ended up tumbling onto the floor. Hysterical laughter ensued from the pair.

“Fuck it. Might as well crack open the vodka.” Rae chortled.

The vodka had made the second film seem funnier than it probably was. Rae felt sufficiently emancipated by her few words and his solidarity that she not only suggested that he spend the night given his state of intoxication, but that they top and tail in her bed.

It was only when she emerged tipsily from the bathroom and sat on her bed in her short pyjamas that she remembered she hardly knew Archie, and her scars were now on full show now. She was pondering whether should say anything and was somewhat taken aback with his stumbled yet forthright question.

“Erm Rae….your legs… I know I shouldn’t probably ask but…..fuck sorry I’ve drunk too much…forgive me.”

She took a deep breath. In retrospect, she would consider that it was the numbing effect of the vodka that allowed her to talk so freely.

“I….it started back in school when I was being bullied…. it …it helped me ..you know cope …..and I really thought I’d kicked it in my second year in college but….you see I…I met him at Uni…” her fingernails dug so hard into the back of her hand that she drew blood.

He gently and unhesitatingly took her hand in his to prevent further damage.

She took solace in gesture and continued. “He made me feel……he made me feel…….it was the only way to let it out………..b…but it ….it made him worse.”

She felt him suck in a deep breath. “It’s okay sweetheart.”

“You…you…you won’t tell the others will you?” Her voice filled with trepidation.

“Of course I won’t.”

“B..but you must think I’m a freak.”

“Why would I ever think that?” He pulled her gently against them and dropped a soft kiss on her hair.

“You know Rae….we all have our own demons…..quite a few people were fairly unpleasant when I …when I came out at University…… it was pretty grim. Chop and I fell out for a while …..actually it was completely shit.”

“Oh Archie…. why the hell would people treat you any different. That’s fuckin’ appalling. How can people be like that.”

“You don’t mind that I’m gay? I mean it doesn’t bother you at all?”

“Why would it you daft lummox. Come here.” This time Rae initiated the hug. They sat in silence, unspoken thoughts mulling over in their minds.

“Archie…you won’t tell Finn about the single will you…beacuse”

“It’s between us Rae.”

“Good I just don’t want him thinking…”

“Rae stop..Please… he’s not that bad.”

“He’s a moody arrogant twat……who thinks he knows everything about music and he’d so wrapped up in his own little world and …”

“He was the one that spotted you in trouble the other night in the club…..and he wouldn’t let you wait on your own for that taxi…”

“He what?”

“Fuck……. look I shouldn’t have said anything please don’t be angry with Finn he’s got so much on his plate right now with Laura.”

“What? They make the perfect couple, they’re both so into their tattoos and music and …”

“Things aren’t always what they seem Rae.”

“But, but she’s so tiny and so beautiful how could…”

“Doesn’t mean she’s a nice person Rae…. doesn’t mean she’s incapable of being spiteful and vindictive….you’re going to have to trust me on this one. I’ve said too much already.”

Rae tried to process Archie’s words but her alchol infused brain wouldn’t comply.

“Look…..if you can cope with it, you’ll probably sleep better if we don’t top and tail as you might fall off the end of the bed.”

He frowned. “You really sure?”

She nodded. “Come on then, I’m knackered and I’ve got work again tomorrow.”

 

******************************************************  
  


Chop left Izzy sleeping in his bed and went downstairs to make himself a cup of peppermint tea. He was still astounded at his luck with dating Izzy. He’d dated plenty of girls in his time and had never been short of offers despite being mates with knicker-dropper Nelson.

Izzy was simply his sunshine, his rainbow. He had to admit he’d initially been attracted by her infectious smile and her fox red mane. He had thought her radiant demeanor had simply been enjoyment of a good night out and time spent with friends. But his heart had swelled with a combination of joy and pride when he discovered she always seemed genuinely happy and cheerful with her bright uplifting personality.

He recalled how he’d been trying to design a tattoo incorporating a rainbow for her, spending hours drawing but not being able to invent a design beautiful enough for his beautiful girl. She had found him in Mystic Ink’s office surrounded by his artwork on scraps of paper. She’d explained that she had decided a tattoo wasn’t for her but she’d insisted on taking each and every one of his drawings and had stuck them into a book. He was blown away by her conviction and self-assuredness and honoured that she’d wanted his humble sketches.

Already, he couldn’t imagine life without her; she was so firmly anchored in his heart. As he walked back through the living room, he saw Finn lying smoking on the sofa and frowned.

“You spend the night down here boy?”

Finn grunted.

Chop plonked himself on the sofa shifting Finn’s legs back.

“Another one Finn?”

Finn nodded and drew deeply on the cigarette. “Not just the one this time. I know I agreed but…I…bollocks…it’s still hard….I wish she wouldn’t.”

As his friend rolled another cigarette, Chop took a sip of tea wondering what to say yet.

“I know its not my place Finn but…well you must really love her.”

Finn bit his lip hard, the words that fell from his lips not only shocked Chop but also himself.

“I…I don’t know.”  
  


**********************************************************

 

Rae was extremely nervous; she had already picked up the phone twice - intending to cancel before regaining sufficient nerve to continue getting herself ready. Choosing the right clothes had sent her straight back to the phone in a blind panic, her hand shaking enough to make dialling impossible. She slammed the handset back into the cradle in a panic and was startled to hear it almost immediately ring.

“H..hello?”

“Rae its Archie…just checking you’re ok about tonight.”

“I…I… can’t find anything to wear and I….I dunno Archer….much as I love you…I have no idea how you talked me into this.”

Archie breathed out heavily. “Shit Rae…I’m so sorry I thought you wanted to go…I should never have…”

“I want to go…it’s. just I am nervous and you know….”

“Shall I come over and we can talk about it and I can sort it out if you don’t want to go.”

She croaked her thanks and put the phone down surveying the clothes strewn all over the floor. She may not have possessed a lot of clothes but when they were all on the floor together they could certainly make one hell of a mess.

By the time Archie had arrived, she had scooped all her clothes into a big pile on the bed and was pacing around in leggings and vest tears threatening to fall.

“Oh Rae….” Archie drew her into an embrace which she willingly accepted despite her heightened state of emotions.

“Fuck…I can be such an idiot…I should never have suggested….look let me call Mike.”

He was reaching for the phone when he felt her hand on his arm.

“I really want to go Archie..you know how much I love music and …..but he’s ….he’s ..he’s a ..man.”

Archie was about to say something soothing when she started to talk again.

“Sorry… I’m bein’ ridiculous. Pretty obvious he’s a man and rather a hot one at that….”

“Well I had noticed..”

Rae giggled and then her face fell.

“He’s just so…..so manly.”

Archie couldn’t help but laugh not instantly comprehending what Rae had been trying to say and then he grimaced when the realisation hit him.

“I am a complete twat Rae….I was going to go with Mike but I thought you would like it and he said he would much rather take you …look I’ll go with him….”

“Won’t he be cross with me?”

“Not cross, a little disappointed probably but that’s because he likes you. After going to the pub last week, I thought you …I dunno.”

Rae bit her lip and thought back to the group’s most recent night out in the pub. She had ended up sitting between Mike and Finn and opposite Archie. She had been on top form and had talked music all night. She’d been happy to discover Mike had really broad taste compared to her expectations based on his friends’ choices at Chop’s party.

She remembered how they had debated over what their top ten albums were and had been astonished to find out Mike would have included Roy Orbison. Finn had raised his eyebrows when she had talked about her love for Oasis and she recollected the intensity and passion in his voice when he’d talked about his favourite tracks. He’d then returned to his familiar cantankerous state when Laura had started to talk about some avant-garde punk band that she liked.

She forced her thoughts to return to Mike and became convinced that he’d reigned in his openly flirtatious demeanour when her only responses to his manner had been to look at the floor and blush. They had continued talking about music, art and tattoos for what had seemed like hours. She had realised how she must have misjudged him expecting his taste to follow her preconceptions based on his physical appearance and image. She’d felt foolish, having always been proud of her open-mindedness and had accepted his invitation to a concert.

Rae looked up at Archie aware of the inordinate length of her silence. She saw the concern in his eyes and watched his face contort as he made several attempts to say something.

“Archie… you ok …lost a filling or somethin’?”

He smiled “Jesus Rae….how does your amazing brain come up with these things?”

“Well wouldn’t you like to know Mr History…” She giggled.

Archie bit his lip hesitating to return to the thorny yet delicate words he’d so far failed to phrase.

“Rae….” His face scrunched up “You know Mike…he…he’s a good bloke…. I know he’s a flirt but…he’ll look after you.”

Rae swallowed wondering quite how Archie had cut to the crux of the matter without really understanding the depths and character of the her apprehension.

“So… then what in Damon Albarn’s name am I going to wear then?”

 

********************************************  
  


Archie had selected the blue dress she had worn for Chops’ party and walked her into town where she had made her way to the pub to meet Mike. She expected him to look good, remembering how a pretty girl had attempted to chat him up at the pub bar when they had been waiting to be served. She was still perplexed as to why he’d politely refused her number and turned back to her.

However, what she had never imagined was the site that currently faced her: Mike standing at the bar in a smart pair of trousers and a freshly pressed checked Ben Sherman shirt buttoned up covering most of the tattoos normally visible on his body. He smiled when she reached her.

“Beautiful as always Miss Earl.” And her took her hand and kissed the back of it.

“You don’t scrub up too badly yourself.”

Something clicked inside her as she relaxed sufficiently to run her hand up his arm. Her eyes widened as she felt the taut muscles beneath his shirt and she recoiled slightly in fear of her own feelings.

After a brief pint, he took her arm and walked her across town. Mike yet again surprised her by taking her to a piano recital. Rae was nervous once seated in the concert hall, with its well dressed mainly middle-class audience.

Her breath was taken away by the beautiful sounds of Ravel’s Ondine (Gaspard de la nuit) and she found herself holding onto Mike’s hand utterly absorbed by the sensitive emotion aroused by the piano. The music finished all too quickly and she found herself being lead out of the hall by Mike.

They returned to the pub and settled down at a corner table with a couple of pints. Rae observed closely as MIke unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt, her eyes drawn to the inked design being unveiled.

“That was just so amazing and so…so unexpected but I loved it. I’ve never been to that sort of concert before. Do you ….do you go often?”

Mike chuckled. “If I like the composer or the piece yeah but I’m not into the modern experimental stuff though - it doesn’t really do it for me.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course sweetheart, fire away.”

“It’s just ….you’ve hidden the tattoos and I wondered…you know…”

A wry smile formed on his lips. “Well….yeah I am not the most comfortable trussed up in a shirt like this but I just find it easier. Sometimes the stares, the dirty looks …they get to me and..” He shrugged.

Her eyes widened and her gaze softened as he continued.

“People just look at me and they see the art, the beard, the piercings and they instantly make a judgement. Most of the people tonight would have stared even more if I’d gone in my normal jeans and t-shirt right? They think…I think they think I’m sullied somehow, a degenerate, an uncultured oaf… can you imagine if I asked one of their daughters out on a date? …I’ve been there and the reaction was pure unadulterated horror…worse still I don’t think she even liked me….was probably just doing it to spite her parents….” His face fell into a frown.

Rae gently covered his hand with hers. “I’m sorry you had to experience that. Being judged on appearance is shit.” She sensed he had more he wanted to air “You were sayin’..”

“I like my body and I wanted to cover it with art that means something to me. I’m not afraid of showing it but it seems some people take offense just because of how I look…the colours on my skin seem to scare or rile some people and I hate it. What gives them the right to decide what music I’m allowed to like, what I can read and my moral compass from just that….And worse still are others with tattoos who assume that we must have the same tastes and personality just because we both have ink…..I don’t get it why they just can’t take the time to get to know me….”

“If they’re going to judge you on first sight, then you don’t want to know them anyway. Trust me, I know…the story of my bloody life being treated like shit because of my looks.”

He looked up at her, brow still furrowed, not understanding her point.

“O, come on Mike, no need to be polite. You’re not blind…look at me…I’m just a fat blob.”

A look of horror crossed his face and then anger.

“Oh no….please don’t say that about yourself sweetheart you’re bloody gorgeous you are.”

Rae hung her head. “Well most people I’ve met don’t…..I mean I’m no oil painting…am I?”

She felt him pick her free hand up in both of his.

“Look at me Rae…..some people can be cruel and malicious…but there’s a lot of kind quiet genuine people out there…sometimes you just have to look a bit harder to find them.”

He dropped a kiss on her hand and moved round to sit next to her with the intention of pulling her in close but felt her flinch at his touch, so settled for sitting alongside her.

“Oh hello hello who have we here?…Mikey boy, Raemundo…what yous doing…oops did I interrupt something?”

Chop backtracked quickly when he caught site of the expression etched on Rae’s face, not knowing what to say next and he was thankful when Izzy breezed down and smiled at the pair.

“So….was the band any good?”

Rae looked up and smiled. “The concert was bloody amazing ….no band though Izzy it was classical piano.”

Izzy giggled “OOh Mike what a lovely idea….so what was it then?”

“Ravel - Gaspard de la nuit.” Mike answered.

Izzy nodded. “My mum loves Ravel says he’s a genius….she prefers him to Rachmaninoff.”

Mike looked confused.

“Izzy’s mum’s a music teacher.” Rae volunteered and Mike broke into a big grin and downed the remainder of his pint.

“Why don’t yous come back to ours and we can all chill out and watch a film or somethin’?” Chop asked.

 

**************************************************

 

They had all drunk rather a lot of Jack Daniels whilst watching a ridiculous horror movie that Rae deduced Chop must have chosen to get Izzy cuddling against him on the sofa.

Rae and Mike were seated on the second sofa. In her inebriated state, Rae was mesmerised by the geometric pattern exposed on one of Mike’s arms.

“May I?” She asked reaching out her hand. He shuffled closer and rolled his sleeve right up.

“It’s incredible.”

“If you look really closely it’s actually made up of thousands of tiny dots.”

Her eyes shone brightly as she inspected the work. “Jesus.”

“Not exactly Jesus but Nelson is a god of dotwork.”

She giggled and then bit her lip as a thought she had repeatedly mulled over in her mind came to the fore.

“Can you….I mean do you ….is it possible to tattoo over scars?

Mike’s smirk dropped as he tried to grasp the potential implications of this question. He thought for a minute before starting to speak.

“It’s definitely possible. But the outcome depends on the scar, the desired tattoo and how well you heal.”

She nodded thoughtfully.

“So what style do you like best then?”

She was a little disconcerted by the direct question with its inherent assumption.

She shrugged. “I er…well.”

“Go on Mikey show her your little collection.”  Chop suggested.

Rae had completely forgotten Chop and Izzy were in the same room, let alone  a mere few feet away. She was shocked as Mike calmy removed his shirt and shuffled away. Izzy noticed the movement and joined Rae to bolster her confidence.

“Look Rae, lots of different styles.” she motioned.

Mike turned his back to them and Chop moved to the larger sofa pointing out Mike’s blackwork tattoos, the colourful contemporary ones, the portraits as well as the traditional style ones.

“I didn’t want to be a canvas for a single genre…if I like something, I have it inked…though I am running out of room now.” He laughed.

Rae relaxed asking him about the stories behind each tattoo and didn’t notice Chop leaving to retrieve to get a beer or Izzy going to the toilet.

 

*********************  
  


Finn opened the door wearily, he was knackered. His night out with Archie had been cut short when Archie had pulled some bloke and disappeared. Finn had waited around for a while and having declined the third man that had called him a pretty boy in the last 15 minutes, he decided to make tracks. He’d drunk a fair amount but the long walk home had fairly much sobered him up much  to his dismay as the intimate scene that greeted him when he walked into the house, greatly unsettled him.

For Rae was sat on the sofa, her fingers gently grazing Mike’s naked torso, her eyes apparently drawn by one of the swallows depicted on his skin. Mike was gazing intently at her, his arm languidly laid down the back of the sofa.

Finn was about to leave unnoticed when Chop asked him if he wanted a beer. He grunted grabbed a couple from the kitchen, tossed one to Chop and chucked one at Mike.

“Need a smoke.”  He excused himself .

He sat on the wall outside the house and started rolling a couple of cigarettes wondering what on earth had come over him. He was already halfway down his first cigarette enjoying the calming effect of the nicotine when the door opened and a figure ran past him in a blur.

“Rae……Rae…” Mike called out as he came barefoot to the door.

Something inside Finn gave way and he instinctively started to run calling behind him.

“It’s okay…I’ll go mate - you get some clothes and shoes on.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

She wakes with a start, her chest tight and her heart pounding. She’s relieved that she had left the lamp on when she went to bed. She gets out of bed, and wanders around her tiny flat in an attempt at appeasing the nervous agitation, which once again threatens her new found sense of self and peace.

She feels the tensions inside her grating against one another bringing a sense of rising nausea. She’s only too aware that the situation could spiral out of control but it’s 2am and calling even her closest friends is simply not an option. She switches on all the lights and checks her door is properly locked with the chain across.

She turns on the radio and then gazes at the 7 inch single “I wanna be adored” and realises that, right now, there is nothing she would like more than to be able to listen to it. An unknown feeling awakens in her. She is perplexed to find that instead of increasing her trepidation, it appears to be easing it and she frowns.

She decides that a cup of cocoa might have the desired effect of relaxing her sufficiently to allow her to return to her bed and possibly even sleep. She’s half way down the cup, tapping her foot along to a tune when her mind wanders back to events of the last week.

***********************************************

She had taken flight from Chop’s house continuing to run despite the escalating burning in her chest, incapable of hearing anything other than the blood pumping through her. Eventually, her legs had nearly given way forcing her to stop. She had grasped the back of a bench, doubled-over, desperately trying to regain her breath.

Even now she couldn’t be sure how long he had been standing there before his voice had finally roused her.

“Mae…..Mae….you er….you ok?”

She wouldn’t have been able to move even if she had wanted to, and had bit her lip hard, mortified to have been caught like this. She had started to count to 10 in her head, praying that events of the last 15 minutes or so had just been a bad dream. However, the first count had not had the desired effect and she had found herself whispering the second count between snatched breaths.

“Mae…ya gotta listen ta me…..yer breathin’s too fast….it’s not good fer ya.”

Her mind was in such turmoil that when she had finally processed his words she had no idea how much time had elapsed since he had last spoken.

“Mae you breathe with me right.”   
His firm, yet friendly, tone had resonated within her head.He had tentatively placed her hand on his chest and had slowly inhaled and exhaled. She had been very reluctant at first, but had slowly attempted to imitate the speed of his of his chest and eventually had reached a moderate rate, which had begun to restore her senses.

This only served to allow a feeling of acute embarrassment to permeate her being and she hadn’t known what to say or how to react. Her mouth had kept opening with the beginnings of words, phrases that she might use to let him firmly know she was fine and she could take it from here. But nothing had actually passed her lips.

“Ya don’t need ta say anything.”

“B…b..but I….you see ….it was just…”

She had balled her fists in anger, pain and impotence knowing exactly what it was that had caused such an extreme reaction.

“Mae - ya don’t owe me an explanation, really. But I don’t think ya should stay out here. It’s gone 1 and I won’t leave ya here.”

“Oh” Had been the only sound to escape this time.

“Ya’re going to have ta help me a bit more than that. Where d’ya live?”

He had put a hand softly on her back and she had leapt away as if burnt, her eyes wide with the anxiety that had bubbled inside her.

She recalls that what had been so unexpected was how there had been no knee-jerk reaction on his part - no gruff words, no pleading tone. He had simply held his palms up at her as if he had known that her senses could not tolerate his touch.

“It’s okay…….it’s okay…… How about you lead the way and I’ll just walk next ta ya?”

Her feet had lead their way in silence towards her flat. They must have been walking for quite some time when he had finally spoken again.

“Mae….please let me give yer ma coat…y’a shivering….I…I won’t touch ya….here”.

He had handed her his tatty leather jacket and lit up a cigarette. As they got closer to her flat, the numbness had finally dissipated and evolved into nerves. But she had, at least, finally found her voice.

“It’s just round the corner. I’ll be fine now……”

She trembled as she passed him back his jacket which he had seemed reluctant to take and then he shook his head.

“I’m not leavin’ ya here. I think…..how about we got to the 18 hour caf’ for a cup of tea?”

“I….” She had shrugged, her brain hadn’t been quick enough to come up with a sensible riposte and she had ended up following him.

They had sat away from the window drinking the hot sugary liquid and she had felt some of her courage return.

“You’ve got a bit o’ colour back in yer cheeks Mae….you know tea makes everything alright.”

For the first time since he had caught up with her, she had looked up at him. Instead of seeing someone who was embarrassed, bored or bothered by her behaviour, his eyes were full of a warmth and compassion that she really couldn’t fathom.

“I…I ….I am so so sorry.” She had mumbled.

“Ach, nothing to apologise for.”

“I…..I think I should go…I’m…I’m really really tired.” She had yawned gazing at her feet.

“OK. I’ll walk ya to your flat.”

“You..you don’t have to.”

“Mae….I want ta…I can’t leave ya here….it wouldn’t be right.”

In the end she had reluctantly conceded and he had walked alongside her to door next to the shop that lead to the flats above. She had leant on the green door whilst scrabbling for her keys in her bag and it had opened by itself.

“Bugger….damn thing’s broken again.”

“That needs fixing Mae…’s not safe like that.”

She had tensed but had allowed him to follow her up to the door of her flat. He had left, brow slightly furrowed with a “You …ya just take care of yaself.”

Despite the fact that she had already replayed these events several times in her mind, she could not interpret what he had made of the whole incident. He had been so calm, so undemanding yet firm in his need to walk her home and supremely gentle and respectful of her need for distance and silence.

**************************  
After she had call them Chloe and Izzy had come round the following day with supplies - lambrini, cake and tissues.Izzy having borne witness to her “moment, had thoughtfully relayed this to Chloe with a firm plea to avoid an inquisition.

They had drunk the wine, eaten the cake and giggled about Archie’s latest escapades, speculating as to whether he was going to go on a second date with the man he’d met at the club. Chloe was relating the tale of her latest fashion based disaster - getting stuck in a pvc dress in the changing rooms of a trendy store in town when the words suddenly burst out of Rae:

“I’m a complete twat. Mike tried to snog me that’s all…I mean we had kissed a bit first…it was only a flamin’ snog.”

Her friends both turned to look at her. Izzy had been kissing Chop at the time so wasn’t fully cognisant of the minutiae of what had actually happened.

“It’s okay Rae. It doesn’t matter what set it off. What matters is that you’re ok.” Chloe’s tone was soft yet resolute.

“Yeah but Mike…he’s going to think I am ….I’m some sort of mental bint who…who’s..who’s so …uptight and out of control that she can’t cope with a man kissing her…I mean what sort of idiot runs away without a word into the night? ‘Cos I don’t think I’d be very impressed….it screams “freak” and let’s face it that’s what I am….”

Salty tears started to fall freely, her body trembling with the force of her outburst.

Izzy grasped her hand. “Rae, Mike doesn’t think you’re a freak. He’s really worried he’s upset you….he’s mortified that he caused that sort of reaction…I think he…”

“You haven’t told him, have you?”

Izzy shook her head. “Course not. It’s not mine to tell Rae.”

Rae sighed. “This is just utter bollocks. I thought…it was all going too well wasn’t it? I mean I had a job, a flat, friends and I just started dating again and now….now I’m going to have start again…because I don’t think I could ever face them again.”

Chloe’s face creased in puzzlement.

“Rae, Chop won’t ask any questions, you know he thinks you’re a star - this won’t change his opinion of you….” Izzy stated calmly.

“But Mike and Finn are going to think I am some total nutjob who needs locking up before ..before she ruins everything and everyone around her.”

“Look Rae, I should imagine Mike’s a bit hurt……..I mean how would you feel if you snogged some cute guy and he legged it to the hills? But he seems like a proper gent and I think if you…if you talked to him and asked him to take things slowly…it would be ok…”

Chloe put her arm around her friend, feelings of guilt ran deeply through her - afterall she had been instrumental in instilling confidence in Rae about her new group of friends and in reinforcing Mike as this positive possibility of companionship.

“I’m sorry if we made you feel you had to go on that date. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready……hang on - did you say Finn was there?”

Rae hung her head at the memory. “No…yes…sort of…..he kind of came after me I think…after I’d run out of the house.”

“Finn?”

Rae nodded. “He walked me home. Didn’t say a word really. It was kind of him I suppose.”

“Ooooh, I told you he was lovely…….shame he’s in a relationship…because he’s just my type…I mean we all knew he was fit as…but he’s also really kind. I mean what else does a girl need? Why does he have to be going out with the incredibly pretty, petite and perfectly tattooed Laura! I really don’t like her. Arghh” Chloe gabbled.

“Chlo…..honestly.” Rae smiled laughing at the absurd turn the conversation had taken.

“No she’s not nice actually Rae…she’s…she’s a bitch.”

Rae and Chloe both spun round to look at Izzy whose face was like thunder, both instantly comprehending that there must be something behind this unusual outspokenness. Izzy blushed; her hand automatically clapped over her mouth.

“Izzy what it is?” Rae asked puzzled.

“I can’t ….I shouldn’t have .. that was mean of me.”

“Come on Izz…we’re your oldest friends you can’t leave it there.”

“But Chop’ll be so cross with me….and I don’t think Finn would want…But I suppose…look you must promise that this’ll never get back to Finn.”

Chloe nodded enthusiastically but Rae considered her friend’s plea carefully.

“Izz…please you don’t have to. It’s fine. I wouldn’t want to put you or anyone in a difficult position.”

“Oh Rae …we need to know.” Chloe jostled in.

“Well…” Izzy began. “Finn’s been sleeping on the sofa quite a lot recently when Laura’s being staying over. At first, I thought it was just that he was a light sleeper, or perhaps one of them snored but he’s been so quiet recently and then……Well one morning, I found him chain smoking outside the patio doors, I went to check if he was ok…you know what Finn’s like he didn’t say much just grumbled a bit. He was still there 20 minutes later and I was going to go out again when Chop told me not to make a fuss.”

“And?” Chloe asked her desperation to hear the rest of the story couldn’t have been more blatant.

“Well Laura came down about an hour later and she went out to talk to Finn and there were raised voices and she got really uptight about something saying he agreed to it and Chop dragged me upstairs.

He wasn’t going to say anything but when we left for work about half an hour later, they were back inside and she was pleading with him and I think….I think he had been crying.

I suppose I was really upset about it….its not nice hearing people arguing. And Chop told me that ..apparently Finn and Laura have an open relationship. According to Chop she instigated the whole thing and Finn thought he’d be ok with it. But apparently she takes full advantage every time she goes away but Chop reckons he’s never…..” Izzy shrugged.

“God what a BITCH. Poor Finn” Raged Chloe.

Rae frowned.

“Anyway I think it must have happened a lot recently …I don’t know if she’s sleeping with others or whether there’s a relationship involved but he’s definitely not a happy bunny. Chop says he won’t break up with her because he adores her but…I don’t know….doesn’t seem right does it …if he’s that unhappy?”

*****************************************  
Rae knew she was going to have to face Mike sooner rather than later. Leaving it a week had already made the whole situation harder to face. In the end she called in reinforcement in the shape of Archie. She had explained what had happened, appreciating that he would have already heard the pitiful tale from Chop, Mike and possibly Finn.

Archie arrived at her flat, six pack in one hand and bag of food in the other.

“Thought we might need refreshments and snacks!”

He walked in kissing Rae on the cheek as normal. She was entirely unprepared for this and it substantially mitigated the nervous fog swirling inside her. They sat down and opened the first of the cans. Rae reached over and flicked the radio on to fill the silence as they drank knowing that Archie was giving her as much time as she needed. For this she was thankful.

She was over two thirds the way down her first can when she was finally capable of vocalising the sentences that kept on passing through her head.

“I’ve ballsed up big time with Mike.”

Archie looked at her, an understanding smile on his face.

“I……I sort of ran out of the house and left him there …we were in the middle of kissing and ….fuck…I am an idiot…” She started to cry and claw at her skin with her nails.

“Rae” He took her hand in his. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not because they all now think I am some kind of weirdo who….”

“Nobody thinks that Rae. Chop and Mike are both worried about you. Mike’s very concerned that he caused all of this and……well he’s probably worked out that you’ve got….stuff. But that’s not the end of the world Rae.”

“It was just a freakin’ kiss Arch….a kiss.”

“Was there anything different this time Rae? I mean I’ve seen you kiss him before?”

She bit her lip and hung her head, brow creased.

“Sorry I don’t mean to pry…just thought maybe talking about it would help?”

She allowed her mind to wander back to that evening when she’d been sat on the sofa with Mike. It had started with a few chaste kisses on the lips, Mike looking at her intently. She had been nervous but that had been anticipated. The kisses had developed into a deep kiss with tongues which she had almost started to enjoy until….

“It was just his body was pressing against mine….it felt heavy and I was so frightened he’d end up on ..on me……I simply couldn’t Arch….I wanted to but…”

The tears came thick and fast along with an increasing sense of panic and self-loathing.

“It’s okay Rae…may I?”

He gestured with his arms and she accepted with a nod as he softly embraced her. She could not comprehend the volatility of her own reactions and was deeply troubled.

“But….but Archie, I know Mike’s a nice guy. I know he wouldn’t push me or …..so why did ….why did I have to run away like that?”

Archie sighed and she sensed there was something he was considering saying as he kept opening his mouth and closing it before he actually said anything.

“I …Look Rae I really don’t want to …to make things more erm painful so please, I beg you to stop me if I even start to look like I might… overstep the mark…”

He waited for her assent in the form of a barely perceptible nod before continuing.

“When difficult things happen, we… err…our minds can remember the trauma and ….sometimes other events that can appear to be completely unrelated or random seem to set it off. Even though our logical, rational selves understand that we should not be concerned or upset by something, the unconscious is so acutely affected by the trauma that it overrules the rational and it bursts to the fore and thats why we do these things because we are sort of trying to let something out and sometimes we are trying to protect ourselves. It’s not always necessarily something you can control Rae.”

She sniffed. “But I didn’t mean for it to end up ruining everyone’s evenings - Mike’s Chop’s Izzy’s and Finn’s. Izzy’s a good friend and I know she understands but Chop…”

“Chop still thinks you’re a “top bird” Rae. Apparently he gave Mike a right bollocking for frightening you off. He won’t judge you - trust me he’s not like that anymore.”

Rae squeezed his hand remembering what Archie had said about them falling out years ago and he smiled in recognition.

“And Mike…..well I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t hurt…more by the fact you haven’t called. He feels awful and I think…I think you need to talk to him…….just to say… it was a shock or something.”

She saw how he sucked his breath in slightly and she inherently comprehended the unspoken message.

“I think…I think if …if there could ever be anything between us ..I‘m going to have to going to have say something…about how I …how I ended up here.”

She swallowed and tried to hold back the tears.

“Hey…all you need to do is mention something about it…coming out of a difficult relationship or similar…..there’s no need to expand or give details.”

“Suppose….but I reckon he’ll have changed his mind anyway….I mean who wants to date a nutter.”

“Rae….I’m fairly sure he still likes you…he’s not some lothario who shags around the country…he’s actually quite sensitive…you know if I wasn’t gay…….sorry…that was inappropriate. Anyway please listen carefully - this is really important…”

This time she met his eyes.

“You have been through a shit experience….that does not make you a nutter, a weirdo or a freak right? Please don’t say those things Rae…you’re not a nutter right?”

She smiled “Right” and raised her eyebrows.

“Well…except maybe when you’re dancing or skipping!”

“Oh you…. seen yourself on the dancefloor Archer? Pot …Kettle.”

They burst into laughter and it provided some relief from the previous awkwardness. Once they had imbibed all the beer, they moved onto some gin that Rae had been given by Jim when the bar changed brands. She had no tonic or other mixers and they both pulled faces trying to gulp it down rather than taste the burning fluid. However, it instilled a tentative degree of fresh confidence in Rae.

“Arch…..has erm…has Finn said anything?”

“About what? Oh the other evening?” He shook his head. “Nothing significant. He said he caught up with you and walked you home as he was worried about leaving you out on your own in the middle of the night.”

“Oh….I thought he would have said something.”

Archie frowned.

“I had a massive panic attack in front of him.”

“Oh Rae….you know he’s really a top bloke when you get to know him…just his exterior is a bit rough and prickly.”

She nodded and took another huge swig of gin, ill equipped in her inebriation to consider this further than her initial feelings of gratitude and slight disquiet at the possibility of having fundamentally misjudged him.

They wolfed down various snacks and were on their fourth round of gin when it just slipped unsolicited out of Archie’s mouth.

“This relationship Rae….just how ….how…how bad was it?”

She blanched and drew her knees up to her chest unable to escape the torrent of contorted memories that taunted her and her body broke into huge wracking sobs.

*************************************  
Two days later and Rae wasn’t sure she could cope with the increased sense of vulnerability that she attributed to having physically as opposed to vocally imparted something to Archie. She had known he’d understood something of the quagmire of pain and torment that her previous relationship had disintegrated into.

Yet, alongside the vulnerability, there was a nascent courage. One that accepted that nobody had run with revulsion at the broken parts of her that had been tentatively revealed.

She knew she needed to talk to Mike but also wished to reduce the pressure by avoiding a pre-arranged meeting that she could not easily back out of. In the end, Archie had checked S&N’s diary and she had decided to turn up one afternoon in the hope of there being no walk-in customers.

Chop was chewing a pen at the front desk when she hesitantly opened the door. He greeted her warmly before she had a chance to rethink her plan.

“Hello Raemundo…how lovely to see you.”

She mumbled “Hi.”

“So to do what do we owe the pleasure to today? A little ink perhaps? A Roses quote, an LP or something else perhaps?”

A small smile crossed her lips. “Maybe another day Chop….I …I was hoping to see Mike?”

“Course you were my dear. He’s just with a customer right now but they shouldn’t be too long. Hows about I make us a cup of tea?”

“That would be nice….thanks Chop.”

She wandered into the office following Chop who made two steaming mugs of tea. She wrapped her hands round her cup and blew on the scalding liquid before taking a sip.

“Chop…”

He looked up at her with his piercing blue eyes. “Yes me dear?”

“I’m sorry about the other night…I didn’t mean to ruin anyone’s night or anything….”

“It’s fine my dear. We was just worried about you….if Mikey boy ever steps out of line I’ll slap him for you..”

She giggled “Nah wasn’t him…it was me.” A sad smile graced her face.

“Well….none of us mind……we love you just the way you are Raemundo….with your crazy dancing and your amazing taste in music which is only rivalled by our Finny’s. Though don’t tell ‘im I said that.”

“He in today?”

“Nah…off at some tattoo convention in London….probably something to do with Laura if you ask me.” He said shaking his head.

“So ….you ever seriously thought about some ink?”

She pursed her lips and allowed the tentative confidence in. “Maybe.”

A wide grin broke across his face.

“Anything in particular?”

She shrugged. “Well maybe but …I’d like to know more first…there seem to be so many styles, so many choices….it’s hard to know where to start.”

“That it is. That it is. Well what can I tell ya? hummm.

People have been tattooing themselves since Neolithic times…thats like thousands of years ago….Then you have the picts who were tattooed with dark blue woad…Archer tells me they had designs inspired by war.

Different traditions exist in different parts of the world. For example, Polynesian people believe that a persons life force - I think they calls it mana, should be displayed through their tattoo.

In Samoa, tattoos - actually the word tattoo comes from the Samoan tatau are applied by hand like they’ve done for thousands of year and the traditions are passed from one generation to the next and they have tattoo ceremonies and stuff.

Then you’ve got the Maori who do this tattoo called “moko” - it’s like woodcarving on skin - the tattoo shows the person’s life experiences….Look at this…”

Chop grabbed a book and opened it up showing Rae the pictures. They flicked through together discussing what they thought…

“Just look at this geezer ….looks like he’s wearing shorts or something….but it’d actually traditional Samoan tattoo - called a pe’a or malofie….they used to do this by pricking the skin with bamboo…must have bloody hurt…..it’s a right of passage though to show you’re a man”

Chop turned the page as there were pictures of naked men with their tattoos in their full glory.

“Archer loves this page…reckons this fella…” Chop pointed “Has a great arse….and these my dear are malu….special samoan tattoos that only the woman have…they stretch from the knees to the upper thighs….bloody beautiful don’t you think?”

Rae studied the the pictures and was surprised to find that the woman Chop referred to as beautiful were solidly built with proper thighs like her own, yet they were covered in these intricate yet simple designs without the swathes of black seen on the men’s’ designs.

“Wow” she breathed “That must have hurt.”

Chop nodded. “I reckon those women are hard as friggin’ nails.”

She smiled, fascinated by the pictures, her mind recalling those patterns she had seen in the office, drawn on scraps of paper, comprised of dots. She was lost in thought when the door opened.

“Chop….oh…hey Rae.” It was Mike

Rae was surprised that for once he looked shy, uncertain perhaps, seeming to physically shrink from his impressive stature.

“Hi” she smiled cautiously. “I…erm I came to see you.”

He returned the smile and she noticed how thick his lashes were and the green of his eyes.

“Shall we go for a walk or something?” She asked, a slight tremor in her voice.

“If that’s what you’d like to do…….yeah.”

They started walking towards town, Mike’s stride noticeably longer than hers.

“Look Mike…I’m …I’m so so sorry…. I ran out on you like that.”

He stopped dead in his tracks hand adjusting the beanie on the back of his head.

“I’m the one who owes you an apology….I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you like that.”

She shook her head.

“No you have nothing to apologise for Mike….it’s me…I should have said something about….”

The tears prickled her eyes and threatened to fall. Her words caught in her throat making her cough a little and she felt like a complete fool.

He gently reached out his hand to take hers in his, something which she was surprised to accept without hesitation.

“What is it petal?”

“I….I should have told you that…that I was in a …a difficult relationship and I…oh bollocks this is hard.”

He squeezed hand. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to or if it doesn’t feel right but please understand that I’ll always be here to listen.”

She returned the squeeze and continued. “It’s just that….I thought I was ready but perhaps I wasn’t. I mean I really enjoyed the date and everything and I love your company and that first kiss was fine but….”

“Oh sweetheart…..I feel like a complete knob….I shouldn’t have tried to snog you…its just I thought….well you know I like you and I like your company too and you know I think you’re utterly stunning….I just judged it wrong.”

“No it’s me. I am just a bit crazy.”

“Well if you are, I am, Archie and Finn both are and Chop would be the king.”

She giggled and then filled with the happier emotion stumbled through what she’d been meaning to say “Suppose you just want to be friends yeah?”

He frowned. “Have you and I been having the same conversation? You have to do what feels right for you - whatever you need….and if you’re not ready to date…you’re not ready petal.”

Rae cogitated for a while and then looked at him and stuttered “But I’d…I’d like to date you ….just I think we might have to wait for …for the other stuff.”

He beamed back at her. “Your wish is my command lovely. So where we going on this here date?” and he held his arm out for her.

“I… I dunno…”

“I dunno it is then.”

Rae giggled but her giggles soon turned to blushes when Mike spoke.

“What on earth were you and Chop doing looking at those tattoo’d thighs then?”

“I …we…..” She realised he was smirking and playfully hit him on the arm.

“Well I’ve been thinking about a tattoo and Chop was just tellin’ me about tattoos really….We did look at the men’s arses too - don’t worry.”

Mike smirked. “Right Miss Earl, how about I take you to the new tea shop on the far side of town - you can see if you can find a tea just to your liking and then you can tell me all about this ink you’re planning.”

***********************************************

Rae had been dating Mike for the best part of a fortnight when the whole group decided another night out in the club was in order. Chloe and Izzy collected her from her flat but as she wasn’t quite ready they came in and participated in a face pulling round of downing neat gin.

They arrived merrily at the club with Chloe sparkling in silver sequins, Izzy in navy hotpants and Rae in her ubiquitous black and burgundy. They breezed in confidently and made a beeline for the bar.

“So what can I get you ladies?” The regular bartender asked.

“Mine’s a bacardi and coke.” Chloe replied

“Hooch please.” Izzy asked.

“Right and you…..tell you what missy…you get that DJ to play a decent tune and the snakebite’s on me.” The barman said with a wink.

Rae blushed but her friends teased her sufficiently that she ambled up to the DJ booth and quietly requested Primal Scream’s Loaded. As the track started to play loud cheers filled her ears from the group’s usual table in the corner. She looked over and saw that Izzy and Chloe had joined Mike, Chop, Archie, Finn and Laura at the table. She forgot about her drink and made her way through the dancing bodies to sit with them.

She sat on the edge of one sofa leaned over to kiss Mike on the cheek. The group shouted their hellos and Chloe and Archie suggested they all go to dance. Rae was about to get up when the bartender came over with her snakebite.

“Top choice…here yah go on the house.”

Mike smiled at her. “This music your doing?” He smirked.

“Might have been.” She said throwing her hair over her shoulder.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Finn smiling at her but she couldn’t be certain because Laura was sat diagonally over his lap and was trying to pull him in for a kiss. Archie ran up and dragged her onto her feet begging her to dance. She looked at Mike who laughed and picked up his pint smiling at her. She grabbed her drink and slowly but surely downed the pint and followed Archie, Mikes laughter echoing in her ears.

She danced energetically for a few songs. At some point Chloe disappeared to dance with a blonde man, and Mike joined the group. Everyone was in cracking heart dancing in a circle, laughing, singing and having fun. The tiredness hit Rae suddenly; she’d done a breakfast shift that morning starting at 7am and it was now gone midnight so she whispered to Mike she needed another drink and wandered over to the bar.

Snakebite in hand she found her way back to the sofas to rest her weary feet and settled down with a loud sigh. The others all seemed to have vanished so she rested her converse clad feet on the table and laid back on the sofa sipping her pint, eyelids drooping, tapping her feet to the beat of the music. She felt the seat settle again with the weight of another body.

“You not dancing to Saint Etienne Mae?…..Thought you’d be right up there.”

She opened her eyes to see Finn mirroring her laid back pose feet on the table. He had one arm folded behind his head and had a cigarette in his other hand. She was gazing in awe at the contrast between the deeply coloured symbolic designs on his arms and the rolled up sleeves of his crisp white t-shirt when she realised she hadn’t answered his quip.

“Nah I’m flippin’ cream crackered. Could be the best track in the world …..and I would still be sat here feeding my soul snakebite.”

He smiled taking a long drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke vertically out into the air.

“Finn…about the…the other night…” She stuttered.

“Nothing ta be said Mae.”

“But I ….I’m sorry I ruined..”

“Ya didn’t….besides I needed a walk.” He chewed at his lip. “So did ya like the the Roses then?”

She looked at the floor wondering how the hell to answer but she was too tired for pretense anymore and besides she mused, he had already seen something of the broken side of her.

“It was great …..a 1987 version too. It was …..amazing but I don’t need educatin’ musically…I think you’ll find if anyone needs help in the music department…” She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Is that so?” He smirked.

“The thing is though….it’s just ……I ….had to leave my turntable behind and I don’t…” she swallowed back the tears that stung her eye and turned her head away from him.

“Hey…..hey…ya should of said. I’ve got me old decks in the wardrobe….ya can borrow them if ya want.” His voice calm, low and quiet.

A couple of tears escaped unbidden in a mix of humiliation and gratitude for this unexpected kindness. She swept them away with her fingertips head still turned away and tried to compose herself before turning back.

“You don’t have to…..I don’t need anyone’s charity…” Her tone and words resonated unintentionally harshly and she softened her voice to add “But if you honestly wouldn’t miss them…I promise I would look after them…I do know how to handle vinyl.”

“Ya made that perfectly clear at Chop’s party Mae.”

She giggled recalling the tension and animosity of that night and pondered the changing dynamic between them, still not fully capable of accepting he was anything other than a world-class prick at least when it came to music.

She turned her head on the cushion so she was looking at him properly and smiled. “Yeah well …still not convinced about your taste…there were some well dodgy albums in those crates.”

“Really? I think you’ll find that you still need a bit of help in the music department Mae.” He said trying to keep a straight face.

“And this comes from the man who owns Bucks Fizz on vinyl …..” She said deadpan.

He laughed and her face quickly broke into a broad grin. They lay there smiling at each other and he slowly reached out a hand towards her. Two fingers grazed her cheek with a featherlight touch his deep brown eyes focussed solely on hers.

“It’s good ta see yer smile again Mae.”

The moment was broken as the group returned noisily from the dancefloor Mike plonking himself down laughing between the pair and the others piling up on the other sofa on the far side of the table.

“You just missed Archie and Chop have the most ridiculous dance off Rae.” Izzy laughed.

“It was not ridiculous Izz…you’re just jealous of my top moves!” Chop retorted.

“Besides Archer - he were dancing like a puppy on speed.” He added.

“Well, they say dancing is a manifestation of the soul…..and I hate to think what your moves say about your soul Chopper.” Archie responded.

“There’s nowt wrong with my soul peoples.”

“Yeah? Some might say that you’ve had a couple too many sambucas Chop….how many fingers am I holding up.” Mike flicked the V-s at Chop.

“You’re a fine one to talk Mikey….your footwork ain’t that fancy.” responded Chop giving Mike the bird.

Mike leapt onto the table and starting posing as if he were doing ballet at the bar which caused the girls to erupt in fits of giggles.

“Whilst Nietzsche is purported to have said that we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once, I’m pretty sure that’s not what he had in mind.” Archie said.

“‘the fuck is Nietzsche?” Finn asked.

Rae turned to look at Finn just as Laura started to speak “Really Finn? You’ve never heard of Nietzsche?” She laughed. “You really have no idea about important cultural movements or philosophy….or much else have you?”

Rae exchanged a look of consternation with Mike who quickly started to take his shirt off in time with the music to divert attention. Chloe immediately picked up on this and started clapping along to the music.

“Oh bollocks not this again…I’m going to the bar….want anything Raemundo?” moaned Chop.

She was going to ask for another drink when Mike’s shirt landed in her lap and he and motioned for her to join him. She shook her head but Izzy and Chloe dragged her up onto the low table and the four of them formed a circle dancing and singing.

At some point, she glanced down briefly to see that Chop and Archie had got their drinks and Laura was straddling Finn’s thighs running her hands up his arms and placing kisses on his neck. She was about to turn away in disgust when she caught sight of his face. His expression was distant and subdued.

Mike suddenly held his arm up to twirl her around and she was lost in the dancing again until the music changed tempo and they all stopped looking at each other.

“This is shit for dancing. Go on Rae and ask for something else.”

“Why can’t you go Chlo? Or What about you Izz?”

“Well I don’t think they have anything I actually listen to in here …do you really want the Spice Girls?” Chloe grinned at her.

“Rae you’re the only one the DJ actually listens to …come on…” Izzy pleaded.

Rae dramatically rolled her eyes and disappeared off to the far end of the club. Rae was nearly back at the table when Underworld’s Born Slippy started to play accompanied by shouts of “Tune” from her friends. The all headed to the dancefloor spending the next half hour giving it all they had left. When Chloe and Izzy headed off to the ladies’ she made her way to the bar asking the others if they wanted a drink through gesture.

The bar was two deep in bodies and she had been waiting a few minutes when Finn turned round.

“Crackin’ tune Mae….can I get ya somethin’ ?”

She smiled and planned on answering in the affirmative when Laura joined them interjecting:

“Oh haven’t you got my drink yet Finn?”

Rae mumbled a hello and Laura faced her and ran her eyes slowly down Rae’s body - appraising her from head to feet and back.

“So Raymund you must feel like the cat that got the cream.”

Rae frowned.

“You dating the handsome Mike aren’t you? You must be something special…”

“Laura.” Finn growled.

“I’m just stating the facts Finn……. and”

“Just don’t.”

“Oh…so that’s it then……really Finn? All these years and ……I would never have thought that…..bloody hell…….you know the rules.”

Rae’s face crumpled in confusion as Finn left their drinks on the bar and pulled Laura away with him to the sofas, gesticulating at her with a snarl on his face. It looked like she was about to head back to the bar when he spun Laura round on her feet and into his arms. Rae’s jaw dropped in astonishment as he picked her up, her legs around his waist and carried her over to the sofa, where he proceeded to kiss her lasciviously.

“Hey wondered where you were hiding.” Archie smiled putting a hand on her shoulder.

She picked up the drinks and motioned towards the pair on sofa.

“D’you think it would be rude to ….borrow these I mean they’re hardly going to miss them…are they?”

She watched Archie’s face contort, his brow furrow and his chin come back towards his neck in an emotion Rae couldn’t determine. It looked like bewilderment or disbelief but that wouldn’t make any sense in the circumstances. It might have been a very obvious display of lust but they were a long standing couple so why would Archie be confused?

“When the fuck did that happen?”

“Just now….we were talking and he virtually dragged her over there.”

“Finn….dragged Laura? Don’t you mean Laura dragged Finn?”

“Nah…I’m not bladdered Arch….it’s such a wonderful sight.” She said, her voice thick with sarcasm.

“Fucking great. They should damn well get a room.”

Rae could hear the anger in Archie’s voice and was utterly perplexed and unsettled. She was relieved when Mike joined them and she leant her head against his shoulder.

“You tired petal?”

She nodded.

“I need sleep. Think I might get a taxi back….can’t be arsed to walk.”

“Alright I’ll wait with you then.”

“We could always share a taxi….” She started..”But I don’t mean…..”

“I didn’t expect that you meant….besides I need my beauty sleep too.” He fluttered his eyelashes at Rae breaking the tension.

As they started to walk out of the club, Rae glanced at the couple on the sofa and slung her arm around Mike’s waist. He responded by gently placing an arm around her shoulder and she snuggled against him.

She would never know that Finn glanced up to see her leaving with Mike and sighed pulling Laura closer to him in a robotic fashion.

******************************************

Rae felt a resurgent confidence in the taxi and leant over to kiss Mike softly on the lips. He allowed her to keep kissing him as she wished but Rae could feel the tension mounting in his body as he refrained from responding as he would usually. Eventually he had to concede a little as she ran her tongue between his lips and he kissed her back softly without moving his body. By the time they arrived at the flat the kiss had deepened and she was leaning against him. Eventually she pulled back a little breathless and flushed.

“Okay…..” She smiled. “Thanks for a great night.”

“It’s me that should be thanking you sweetheart.”

She shook her head. “Look you free at all next week ..I’m making progress with my tattoo design and I would be honoured if you could….”

“So where you got to then style wise?”

“After a lot of thought blackwork…but I can’t quite make my mind up on the exact design.”

“Well I’d be honored to help you with the design…..but if it’s blackwork you’re after then it’s not me you’re after.”

“I thought you could do most styles.”

“I can. But you deserve the best so…I really think you need to talk to Nelson about it.”


	5. Chapter 5

She potters through the flat waiting for the kettle to boil, the delicious smell of the madeira sponge wafts through the air from the ill-fitting oven door. She wonders why it’s taken her this long to start baking again. Baking is something she had enjoyed since childhood and she finds the smell especially evocative of happy afternoons spent with her mother making cupcakes. She realises it’s been a while since she visited and thinks she must go and make cookies with her little sister.

She switches the radio on and smiles as she hears the familiar strains of Smokey Robinson’s Tears of Clown, laughing as she starts to dance mouthing the words. She makes it into her bedroom, grabs her hairbrush and begins to sing into it. Her joy and sheer vitality are such that she knows she wouldn’t even care were she to be caught.

She skips back into the kitchen, puts the hairbrush down, switches the kettle on, removes the cake from the oven and turns it out onto a rack. She resumes her mime with the hairbrush whilst the tea brews. As the song ends and another she does not approve of commences, she bites her lip remembering Finn’s offer of the loan of his spare turntables.

She steals a jam tart from the box she made earlier and sits down with her cup of tea, forgetting about the substantial dip in the sofa and manages to spill some of the scalding liquid on her lap.  
It smarts but she knows from bitter experience that it will only sting for a while before the pain subsides. She sighs realising that borrowing the turntables would do her the world of good and discerns that she’s no good reason for not accepting.

Her eye is caught by the light on the oven and she leaps up to turn it off, shaking her head at her own forgetfulness. With a wry grin on her face, she ponders how on earth tonight’s planned indoor picnic had transpired.

****************************  
Early one evening, Archie and Izzy had dropped in for a drink when she was about halfway through a double shift at the bar. She had complained about her back aching and was particularly grumpy given she still had several hours to soldier through.

“I’d kill to have a bloody bath one of these days. Piggin’ shower’s just not the same.”

Archie had laughed. “Tell me about it….why the hell do they only put showers in flats these days….actually I’ll you something. Showers are the reason why architects are so loaded…because instead of including a necessity such as proper bath tub, they make use a shower so they can build the flats as small as bloody possible and make huge profits…the bastards.”

She and had Izzy burst into loud peals of laughter only to be interrupted by Jim who appeared from the cellar to see what fun he was missing. There had been a lull in trade and the bar was quiet enough for them all to enjoy each other’s company. Jim had quickly waded in on the small flats debate talking about the two bed apartment he’d bought the previous year in a relatively bohemian district.

As they had chatted away Rae and Izzy shared a look. Both wondered why they had not thought about it before and watched the animated faces carefully from a distance.

“So Rae… would you really like a bath?”

“I’d kill for …a nice deep one full of bubbles, can of cider in hand…decent tunes playing….”

“Well why don’t you come round and use Chop’s? I am sure he and Finn won’t mind.”

“I couldn’t…it would be taking the piss.”

“Don’t be so daft. What are friends for?”

And so she had ended up taking the deepest of scented bubble baths, albeit with Izzy’s Body Shop Dewberry bath foam, which most certainly wouldn’t have been her first choice. Chop had put “What’s The Story Morning Glory” on Finn’s decks at her behest. She had been relieved that Finn was out with Laura for the evening and had happily started singing along to the LP, luxuriating in the hot water for over half an hour.

She had wrapped herself tightly in the only towel left in the bathroom - a lurid spiderman one, which she believed must have been Chops. Having checked the coast was clear, she started to make her way to Chop’s bedroom where she had left her clothes when she had remembered her watch was on the side of the bath. She had returned to the bathroom, fastened the watch and had started singing along loudly to “Hey Now”.

She had forgotten to re-check the coast was clear and had walked straight out and into Finn. Even now she can easily recall the look on his face but still cannot put a name to it.

She had flushed deeply noticing the rosy hue that had adorned his beautiful freckled face and he had started to smile shyly biting his lip. And then the sharply spoken words, that seemed so incongruous with his physical reaction, had fallen from his mouth .

“So ya just think ya can come here and play ma vinyl and nick me towel do ya? Really Mae?”

She hadn’t been sure how how to react and stood rooted to the spot as he’d turned on his heel and gone into his room, slamming the door behind him.

She had rapidly dressed herself, returned the towel to the bathroom and wandered downstairs.

“Good bath?” Izzy had asked.

It had taken her a while to respond. “Yeah wonderful….just bumped into Finn though.”

“Oh….”

“He was really rude.”

“Oh Rae, I am sorry………I know it’s not an excuse but I think he’s got a lot on his mind right now.”

They had then started chatting about Chop and Mike. Rae somehow managed to express that she’d never had the courage to go to Mike’s flat even though she was aware he wasn’t going to jump on her. She had explained that being in his flat, just the two of them seemed like an insurmountable step. And that’s when Izzy had suggested the double date.

Somehow the date night had evolved into an indoor picnic. They had had so much fun planning it down to the minutiae of who was bringing the napkins before they even realised that they hadn’t asked Mike if he was ok with the concept.

********************************  
Izzy and Rae turned up with baskets full of food. Izzy had prepared the savouries and Rae the sweets. Chop and Mike had gone directly from S&N’s to Mike’s flat picking up bottles of fizz and flowers en route and had laid out a tartan rug on the floor for their girlfriends.

Rae really didn’t know what she had been expecting of Mike’s flat, but it certainly wasn’t the sleek modern minimalist pad that she entered. The walls were all white, adorned only by a couple of enormous pop-art canvasses; the floor a pale laminate and there were wooden blinds at each of the full length windows. She was somewhat disconcerted by what she perceived to be such a mismatch of the decor and Mike’s personality.

Her disquiet heightened as Mike went to put some music on; but there no turntable, simply a sound system installed in one of the gloss white fronted cabinets along one wall. She ascertained that all his CDs were preloaded into the machine and all you needed to do was choose a disc and track number. She turned around in surprise when Eartha Kitt’s amazing voice purred out from the tall, sleek, stylised speakers.

It took Rae the best part of 3 glasses of fizz to relax properly. The group had eaten their way through the crisps and dips, the chicken legs, the pork pies, the crudites and the quiche. Rae unpacked the cake she had topped with fresh cream and strawberries that Jim had donated that were supposedly left over from a party.

“Wow Rae…this looks amazing rather like you missy.” Mike leant over and kissed her.

Rae returned the kiss and then reached down to refill her glass, which she quickly knocked back.

“You thirsty then Miss Earl?” Mike asked

“Might be.” She giggled nervously.

Chop and Izzy were kissing now and for some unfathomable reason, this increased Rae’s nervous apprehension. As Mike put his arm around her, she admonished herslef for being silly and leant in to kiss him. She was relieved they were the ones leaning their backs against the sofa otherwise they would have ended up lying on the floor like Chop and Izzy.  Out of the corner of her eye she glimpsed Chop feeding Izzy a strawberry from the top of the cake.

She steeled herself, shut her eyes and allowed the kiss to deepen. They had been kissing for a couple of minutes but her uneasiness would still not abate. If anything, it was making its presence felt more than ever and she had to fight her instinct to flee. She tried to concentrate on the fact that her hot boyfriend was giving her one of the most gentle kisses she had ever known, recognising that she should be really enjoying it.

The thorny spindles of fear were starting to push into her and she had pull away from the kiss as a deep seated self-preservation instinct kicked in.

“You alright? You look really pale petal?” Mike asked his eyes full of concern.

She nodded mutely, incapable of immediate response. After a short pause she swallowed.

“Just felt a bit dizzy, must be too much wine….could you possibly get me a glass of water?”

“Of course sweetheart.”

Mike presented her with a glass of water, made his apologies and disappeared to the bathroom. Rae was grateful when Izzy said she would make a pot of tea, knowing it was solely for her benefit in an attempt to bring the evening back to one shared between four friends and not two couples.

“You ok Raemundo?” Chop asked.

She nodded. “Probably drank too much too quickly….always has this effect on me.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wished that she had never ennunciated them because she was pretty sure Chop knew that they were a cover-up, a lie even. She was both thankful and a little taken aback with the speed with which Chop changed the conversation.

“About the other night, when you were round ours……I know you think he’s a dick and there’s no excuse for being rude….but Finn feels shit for walking off like that…”

“He didn’t…I mean he was just …he was just being a knob.”

“I know it’s not my place but please don’t be too hard on him ‘cos right now…..things are a bit tough for him……but I didn’t say that right?”

Rae frowned yearning to ask more but she could hear Mike and Izzy coming back through to the main living area.

“So Rae…. Mike tells me you’re thinking about having a little inking of your own?” Chop raised his eyebrows giving her that cheeky grin she couldn’t resist.

“Might be….”

“Are you going to spill the beans then?”

She shook her head.  “I’m just not sure yet about where and .. on the exact design.”

“Okay….you must have a style in mind though?”

Mike sat barefoot down placing a bowl of maltesers on the rug.

“Still going for blackwork then? Sure I can’t tempt you with something more traditional like …an anchor or something?”

He grinned rolling up his sleeve to show her the anchor incorporated in a design on his right forearm.

She shook her head. “Not my style Mikey.” She giggled.

“I want a design solely in black, I can visualise some of the elements in my head but I can’t pull it all together into something coherent.”

“You have to see Finny-boy…he’s a fookin’ genious when it comes to those sorts of things..besides, given half a chance, he would almost exclusively tattoo in black….you’ve seen Mike’s other arm haven’t you.”

As Mike revealed the incredible geometric pattern on his left arm, Rae was again absorbed in its simple but effective beauty and depth. A wry smile formed on her face.

She reached down and popped a malteser in her mouth raising her eyebrows at Mike.

“Lean back and open your mouth.” She requested.

She then proceeded to throw maltesers towards his open mouth until she finally got one in. This developed into a game with a barrage of maltesers being chucked all over the room with not many ending up in mouths.The four continued laughing, swearing and bantering until the end of the evening.

*************************************  
Rae was grateful for the small amount courage embedded in her thanks to a couple of shots of neat gin. She had started this journey twice before and turned back on both occasions. But it was the conversation with Archie that had finally galvanized her.

He had insisted on collecting her from work one evening, which she knew was simply a thinly disguised opportunity to see Jim again. He had turned up a good 40 minutes before her shift was due to finish and she’d ended up serving most of the punters whilst he and Jim conversed energetically.

They had spent yet another late night drinking and talking and watching shit late night TV. She supposed  could have gone out with Mike but she had reasoned it was as important to spend time with your mates. She had brought up the subject of tattoos and had spent quite some time inspecting his and he had explained at length what it signified for him and how he had used it to mark an incredibly important turning point in his life. And then she had been certain.

As she got closer to S&N’s her footsteps started to falter. But then her mind turned back to her dark subjugated days and she felt a renewed strength, a desire to break the infernal bond that they still held over her.

As she opened the door she saw surprise register in Chops eyes echoed by the couple of seconds it took for him to find his voice.

“R..Rae…my darling….you know it’s Mike’s day off?”

She nodded. “Yup I’m meeting him later…It’s …it’s Finn I’m here to see.”

A cheeky grin spread over Chop’s face.  “You really going to do it?”

“I think so but I need a little guidance and I know Mike could but..” She shrugged.

“I understand….better have someone at a distance right?”

She nodded.

“Well he’ll be finished in about 10. Hows about a cuppa in the meantime?”

“Ooh yeah I could murder one.”

They drank their tea in the office with Chop constantly getting books out to show her designs and evangelising about what he believed to be the best elements of each. She was caught completely off guard when he shot her an unexpected question.

“Urm Raemundo……you’ve been mates with Izzy for years right….I …you see….I wanted to ask….”

She could sense how nervous he was and shared a friendly smile.

“You can ask anything Chop, honestly…. and you know me I won’t judge you unless it’s to do with music…”

“Well I was thinking of ….I know it’s early days but I love Izz and I sort of ….do you think she’d be okay if I asked her to move in with me? I mean I don’t to frighten her off or anything.”

Rae laughed softly. “I can’t answer for Izz. But I do know she’s got it pretty bad for you….so I don’t think you’ll scare or offend her by asking. Be brave Chop….we’ve all got just the one life to lead….make strong brave decisions…. and be fearless in love….”

What the fuck had she just said? It was laughable in the context of her history and she took a deep breath only to find herself being embraced by Chop.

“Thanks …gotta be brave haven’t I? Otherwise I’ll never know. Yeah good mantra.”

She couldn’t hear Finn’s voice before he opened the door.

“We got visitors then Chopper?…..oh…”

************************************

She watches as he bites the inside of his lip, she assumes rather hard since he follows this by running his tongue along the skin that he’d caught. He looks down with his ever so slightly rosy tinged skin.  Then properly for the first time, she catches him doing that pensive thing with his mouth; which is gathered slightly to one side and it looks like he might be biting down on his cheek.

“This one’s here for your artistic skills Nelson…..make sure you look after her properly ….we don’t want any complaints from her boyfriend now, do we?” Chop chuckled.

“R..right you’d err…better come though to me room.”

She follows Finn through to a room at the back of the shop.

“Sorry it’s not the most spacious…..Mike wanted us to go open-plan and all that but well money’s never quite been there so …so here it is.” He says with a shrug.

“Hello Rae….how are you?” She replies pointedly and watches as a genuine fully fledged blush colours his freckle speckled skin.

He fails to raise his eyes off the floor as he starts to speak. “…‘bout the other week in ours….I was …I am sorry I was a prize bellend t’ya…..I should never of spoken like that ….I was a complete dick…sorry.”

He gazes up at her from under his thick lashes and for the first time she thinks she might be able to see a hint of vulnerability in his eyes.

“I shouldn’t have nicked your towel…sorry.”

His laughter is warm.  “Well I was just jealous because it suits ya better than me…”

She feels the nerves starting to knot in the pit of her stomach and knows its a now or never moment.

“Look - I wanted to talk to you about a tattoo ….and specifically about having some…some scars tattooed.”

Something she cannot not identify flashes across his face and she notices his posture change.

“Right….oh…. ok. Have you discussed this with Mike?”

“Sort of but….” A tremor is evident in her voice and she pulls her sleeves over her hands, starting to fidget with them.

“The thing with scars Mae….it is possible to tattoo over them and people do…some folk even choose to have them incorporated into their design ……..but ya need ta know that ya can’t change the texture of the scar, and scar tissue may hold the ink differently  - you know lines may be less defined, you may need more sessions …the tattoo can blur……”

He pauses to take stock and upon seeing her stillness, continues “So I think we need ta talk about what sort of design ya want, and …I would need ta erm….see the scars….and we could discuss it and ya could decide what ya want t’do.”

She appreciates the cool professional tone of his voice for it comforts her a little in her anticipation of potential humiliation.

“So what sort of style had ya in mind…any specific images…ideas?”

She shakes her head. “I think I just want black ink, something unique, something strong yet feminine…I really like …the pattern on Mike’s arm.”

“Well I s’pose that’s a start….now where are we talking?”

She bites her lip, her breath starts to come faster, visualising what it is to come, his reaction.

“My…my leg…..” She mutters.

She notices a slight frown form on his face and so she awkwardly gesticulates at the top of her thighs.

“Er…right…ummm…I see. “

He turns round and tears off a couple of sheets of what looked to be medical grade paper towel.

“I’ll go out. You can get changed and use the ..erm…paper…and tell me when it’s ok to come back in?”

She assents mutely with her head. She removes her leggings once he left the room but decides to keep the skirt on. She sits on the special couch, legs out in front of her and pulls the towel strategically over her legs such that she would only need to expose the minimum amount of skin.

“I’m….you can come in.”

Finn returns, eyes respectfully glued to the floor. When he eventually raises his head, she discerns that he was doing that thing with his mouth. He reaches into a box and pulls on a pair of blue latex gloves and walks over to the couch.

“I….I was thinking of a band….all around the top of my leg.” She whispers.

He looks into her eyes, ensuring that she meets his gaze before starting to speak.

“Is it ok if I touch the scars….I mean if you’re going to get tattooed the artist will need….” he pauses unsure of where to go next with the sentence.

Her response comprises a very slight gesture with her head in the direction of her leg.

He manoeuvres an overhead light into position and looks down at her pale skin. She closes her eyes knowing that he was inspecting a myriad of criss cross scars on her upper left thigh. Some smooth, some raised and some still pink and healing.

He runs his gloved index finger ever so gently across their pattern and formation  and then twists her leg in the light to study them from different angles in complete silence.

“Are you definate it’s this leg you want the tattoo on?”

She perceives him to be disgusted and bites her lip so hard that tears prick her eyes and she’s forced to look away. He delicately places one of his gloved hands on her arm.

“Mae….you’re okay….it’s okay…..I promise….they’re only scars…..it’s just a few of them aren’t quite …they’re not fully healed yet….Now on the subject of scars, and I can tell you I’ve seen a fair few in my time, they’re not that bad…. Actually I got a few meself …..So please don’t make this into a Jaws style scar flashing competition will ya….because you will lose.”

She shocks herself with the giggle that escapes her throat because she knows exactly which scene in Jaws he’s referring to.

“Look at the other one then.” She responds with an edge of defiance.

Finn walks around the couch bringing the light with him. She shuts her eyes and hears the anticipated catch of his breath in his throat. For her right leg bears the long raised, jagged scar from the time she’d nearly cut too deeply back in college. A single tear escapes and she takes a deep breath preparing herself for the inevitable question.

“Hey…..please don’t make me show you mine……you really don’t want ta see them…”

Her face simultaneously forms a  quizzical expression and a thin smile. She observes him squat down such that his eyes are level with her legs. He runs his gloved fingers thoughtfully over the scars and gazes intently into her eyes.

“Rae…. we’re mates right? “

She nods, her brow furrowed contemplating the direction of his question.

“I know it’s not the done thing….. b b .. but would you mind if I took me glove off to get a proper idea of what they feel like so I can get the best idea of their texture and whether they’ll take the ink and that………I’ll wash me hands proper like.”

He sounded extremely nervous and she can’t comprehend why.

“It’s fine …I need to know what’s best Finn.”

He peels the gloves off, washes his hands under the tap with plenty of soap and dries them on a paper towel.

He returns and this time he runs his thumb thoughtfully over the scars, biting his lip in concentration whilst focussing on the largest of them all. He turns her leg in the light and repeats the process. His touch was definite yet tender and she doesn’t know what to make of it.

He stands up and catches her eye.

“Okay……I think I could tattoo over them …but well you see the texture….I think the tattoo could end up being quite uneven and ……Mae, to be honest, this one troubles   
me.”

He pauses touching the thick scar knowing himself that he meant it in more than one sense.

“I think tattooing over this one would not only be bloody difficult, with no guarantee of a good result, but I should imagine it would probably be extremely painful too.”

“I can handle pain.”

He swallows. “I don’t doubt that ….but …look Mae…..why you getting this tattoo done….you trying to hide them  or…or”

“I…..well I was thinking about it but ….I….I suppose I wanted to mark a new chapter in my life…you know I’m still going strong….. and have survived lots of shit…..well that sort of thing anyway.”

She observes as he again chews his cheek.

“I know it’s not ma place to say anything….but if it were me, I‘d get the band tattooed just below the scars and show them off….they make the statement that you …that y’are strong and beautiful. It also means that ya can have whatever design ya want and be proud of them scars.”

He wanders off on the pretext of fetching some of his design books. But she knows it’s to allow her time to dress and think. She pulls on her leggings and considers a little disappearing act of her own. In retrospect, she will tell herself it was the Blur album he put on that imbued her with the courage to stay.

“Hang on Nelson….this is a greatest hits album you utter cop-out.”

He laughs and shrugs. “Guilty as charged ma’m….but this is a tattoo parlour and in my defence I’ve all the original vinyl LPs at home along with some of the 7 inches and a couple of rare colour vinyl albums…..even though I think Oasis are much better….so I plead for leniency.”

“That so is not fair.” She pouts.

“What that I have the vinyl?”

She nods.

“So hows about you let me lend ya ma spare decks…..and some of me vinyl - got quite a few duplicates…..say next week and that should give ya time to think this tattoo over properly. And then we can work on some designs….I need ya to be absolutely certain on placement before we get a needle on ya skin.” He smiles at her

“Who says you’d get the job?” She raises her eyebrows.

He resumes chewing the inside of his cheek gazing at his boots not a trace of smile on his face. And for the first time she begins to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, he’s not the uber confident man she had assumed him to be. She bumps her shoulder against his.

“I was only messin’! I wouldn’t let anyone else go near me with a needle.” She says. “Not even Mike.”

Oh fuck, where had that come from?

And images start to tumble into her head at an alarming rate. The thought of showing Mike her scars…. what if he hated them or worse chastised her for them ….like…like Liam used to …..and then she remembers one heinous evening of punishment she had endured for adding to those scars when he had locked her in.

In a futile attempt to remain in the present she tries to say something, to back out of what must seem like a heinous comment to have made about her boyfriend.  It would only be weeks later when she would come to comprehend how such severe panic could derive from something that initially seemed so  innocuous.

“I shouldn’t have….it’s just….he’s….I …I’d urm better get going…..what must you think of me….I am so sorry I….I.”  

Her breath quickly becomes ragged; her ears fill with the sound of pulsing blood and she leaps off the couch as if burnt, grabs her bag and then freezes in sheer terror as he quietly shuts the door.

When he catches sight of the intense, devastating all pervasive fear on her face he quickly opens the door. For the first time, he begins to understand something of that behind the haunted look in her eyes. His heart hammers loudly in his chest. He’s too busy chastising himself for missing the signs and doing such a dickish thing as closing the door, that he’s hit by shock to find her still standing in front of him, eyes wide.

“I’m going to leave the door open Mae….please understand ya can leave at anytime. I promise…..”

He bites his lip hard and splits it open a little releasing a nasty metallic taste onto his tongue.

He’s only too aware how out of his depth he is and has no idea what to do. So he walks towards her, stopping a couple of feet away on one side leaving her path clear. He’s still lost when she remains rooted to the floor and so exceedingly tentatively he reaches out a hand towards her before snatching it back.

“Mae….I only wanted to talk to ya…..I wanted to make sure you were ….you were ok before you left……I was and I am  worried because ya breathin’s way too fast and I don’t think it’s good for ya…..”

She’s mortified and devastated that he witnessed the behaviour that she deems pathetic and narcissistic. Without thinking, she automatically starts to claw at the skin on the back of her hands. And that’s when his calloused hand takes one of hers and holds it firm and presses it softly against his chest.

“Mae…remember you breathe along with me girl…nice and slow…..”

She tries to focus on his ribcage expanding and contracting and after an indeterminate period of time, she realises she’s past the critical phase.

“Mae…..whatever crap, whatever hell you’ve been through….I’m truly sorry….I…I’m shite with words but I think ya’ frightened and I want ya ta know I won’t so much as look at ya if that’s what ya want….and I …I will always listen if ya want ta talk….but never feel that ya have to….I don’t need to know….I just want to make sure ya’ alright…..nah I need for me ta know ya’ alright….”

His compassionate words seep through her paralysis, register in her mind and finally tip her over the edge into free flowing tears of shame, humiliation and humility.

“Shuushhh….shushhh it’s alright girl.” He deftly places his hand lightly on her shoulder.

But she knows it’s not enough and leans her head into his shoulder. She’s almost relieved when he ever so softly pulls her into his arms.

One of his hands strokes her hair as he continues to murmur “shushhh” into it. As she begins to still, he drops a kiss on the top of her head. She has no idea how long they have been standing  like that when he finally speaks.

“Shall I make a brew? Tea makes everything alrigh’..”

“Don’t leave….I can’t…” she whispers.

He pulls her in a little tighter. Part of him of him wants to know what is at the root of this yet part of him fears it intensely. He rests his head on hers and closes his eyes until he feels her pull back slightly.

Looking at her deathly white pallor, he knows tea has now become a necessity and so he holds his hand out to her. “Tea?”

She allows him to lead her to the office and sits as he makes the tea. He heaps sugar into hers and sits close in a strange sort of silent solidarity, their bodies not quite touching. They drink the hot soothing liquid to the sound of Blur’s Tender. The song is five minutes in when she speaks.

“Love this song…crime is fuckin’ Brittany kept it from being no.1”

He laughs, tension broken.

“Finn…..thanks….just thanks.”

“Anytime girl……anytime” And he sits with her a little longer and she’s sure she can hear his heart beating in his chest which further pacifies her anxiety.

******************************************  
It was only two days later, when Rae realised that she had never asked Finn to remain silent about her panic and fear. Nonetheless, the concept did not perturb her as much as expected.

In retrospect, she had been extremely relieved that it had been Chop who had walked her home on his way to meet Izzy since had she accepted Finn’s offer, they would literally have walked into Laura as they were leaving S&N’s. It had been awkward enough as it was: she was convinced Laura had given her a spiteful look and both she and Chop had clearly heard her barbed statement to Finn who was sat behind the counter.

“What the fuck was she doing to here?”

Chop had been pretty forthright once they were out of earshot.

“I’d take no notice of that one. She’s a right cow…..fuckin’ wish she wouldn’t come and stay over.  Most of the time she’s all sweetness and light to Finn’s face ……then she had a go at Izzy the other day…….I wasn’t going to say anythin’ ‘cos I didn’t want a scene but …I’m afraid me big gob got the better of me ……’cos she was bang out of order…… and of course Finn had to promise to design her a special tatt to keep her quiet……thing is…Finn’s not stupid…not like she says he is…..”

“She thinks Finn is stupid?”

Chop had nodded. “Yup - proper thick apparently. She’s always bragging about how well she did at college and University despite her being in a “band” and the bint seems to like reminding Finn of the fact he didn’t do well academically. Fuck knows what he sees in her…I mean maybes when they first met but it’s like the fame has gone to her head…….Don’t say owt to Finn…..he’s sensitive enough about the whole thing as it…..”

Rae nodded solemnly - glad of the distraction from her own melting pot of feelings.

“So Raemundo - you got your tattoo all sorted….when’s it happening then?”

“Still not sure on the design Chopper….Finn reckons he’s going to have a play around with some ideas and we’ll talk about it.”

“Good on ya for not rushing it.”

**********************************  
Rae had decided to make more effort with Mike and had invited him to the cinema midweek rather than waiting to meet up at the weekend as usual. The Arts Cinema was showing “Les Parapluies de Cherbourg” and whilst it wouldn’t have been her first choice, she thought that Mike would love it.

She had lain her head on his shoulder during the film and hadn’t felt the slightest urge to move away as he had draped his arm around her. Mike really enjoyed the film and took her to a late night cafe where they had shared first ice-cream and then hot chocolate, revelling in the contrast. A heated snogging session had followed her stealing his beanie and running off with it down the street. She had neither accepted his offer of going back to his flat, nor asked him into hers, instead compromising on allowing him to walk her home.

“Good choice petal.” He said wrapping her in his arms.

“Thought you might like it….perhaps you need to add your little ink collection - a wee cocktail stick sized umbrella.” She said with a smirk.

“I see….so that’s how you’re going to play it?.Suggesting more ink for me…whilst you’re being coy about yours?”

“Well…I still haven’t had time to discuss designs with Finn.”

“Yeah - he’s sorry he couldn’t meet up this week…but Laura’s latest ink based project is causing him endless worry. He’s gone off to see a mate of ours in London….this guy’s a legend - taught us both so much.”

“Sounds a bit serious…..what’s she after now?..she seems like shes well inked already.”

“You really don’t want to know” Mike answered with an exaggerated eye roll. “And I don’t think Finn wants to play…..seems like her little plan is likely to have opposite effect than intended….but who I am to say anything.”

Rae frowned and decided on saying nothing, as for a currently incomprehensible reason, she was uncomfortable discussing Finn with Mike. She assumed it was due to Finn’s witness of something of her that Mike had no knowledge of.

“So Mike, you never told me about what Archie was helping you with.”

“The Archer strikes again. I’ve got a client that’s really interested in the Japanese tradition…and I needed Archie’s help to do some image research for me. He’s brilliant at that sort of thing and I think he really enjoys it.

In the Edo period - in the 18th Century, the tattoos were based on watercolor paintings and woodcuts.These tattoos were called horimono and were immensely beautiful. There’s a huge amount of cultural history behind the development of these tattoos. They were mainly the domain of the working class who were rejecting the centuries old Confucian belief system of the samurais and instead they developed a new system of beliefs based on things like ninjo which is human experiences and feelings…..”

He stopped knowing he had probably pontificated in a little too much detail.

“Anyway did you know that tattooing was outlawed in Japan back then on the basis that it was associated with criminality and damaging to public morals…..mind you I think a lot of people still think like that these days….you should see some of the looks people give me….it’s like I’m something unpleasant that they’ve accidentally stepped in…when all I’ve done is walk past them on the street.”

“Oh……I thought you didn’t really mind that much…I mean your tattoos are really quite a statement..”

She observed  his sharp intake of breath coupled with a frown and then her heart sunk a little in the knowledge that she had probably hurt him a little. She snuggled into his side and kissed him on the cheek.

“You know I love them…..they’re beautiful Mike…..and they’re a part of you……and I really wouldn’t mind seeing more of them…..besides I can tell you with absolute certainty that people that judge you on appearance….they’re not worth it. You don’t even want them in your life …and I know it’s hard sometimes……because god knows I’ve been there so many times…but you’ve got to ignore them…….”

“Do’you know something petal? You’re simply an amazing person….and well I am sure we could arrange you checking out my full collection if that’s what mademoiselle wishes…but only in your good time because I’ve got a couple…..”

Raes eyes widened. “Archie wasn’t joking was he?”

Mike smirked. “Well, not exactly….but I’m not getting them out in public” He winked.

He then pulled her into his arms, his eyes fixed on hers, that lopsided smile on his face. She looked up at him and amazed herself by running her tongue along her own lips. She heard the noise coming from his mouth and realised just what effect that had on him. Their kissing reached a new level of passion and she tolerated his hand snaking down from her waist onto her bottom but she still maintained a slight distance between them such that their bodies were not quite touching.

Back inside her flat, she marvelled over the fact she’d made it thus far: living independently, managing on an extremely limited budget, holding down a job, having a good circle of friends and having a kind and caring boyfriend. But she couldn’t escape the nagging feeling deep inside her, which she took to be the need to spread her wings further and consider the intellectual fulfillment she’d once had and whether that was once again possible.

**************************

“Ooh this looks yummy” said Izzy tucking into the Chicken Chow Mein.

“Thanks Rae….you didn’t have too.” Chloe said mouth half full.

“If you can’t treat your mates…what a sad world it would be.”

“So what’s the goss then Rae? Chop says you saw Finn about some ink of your own.”

“Oh my god Rae…..what you having done?” Chloe squealed.

“I ….I don’t know yet……Just umm still in the design phase.” She said trying to ignore the painful memories of that consultation.

“I ….I was thinkin’ of having a tattoo over my scars but actually I’m thinking I might have a band just below them on my left thigh.”

“Wow Rae….that sounds amazing.” said Chloe. “Finn going to do it for you?”

“If I have it done, I think it would be Finn because I think I just want black ink and a sort of pattern…not an image…….and I don’t want to be frightened of my scars anymore…I want to counter them with something new, some to mark a fresh beginning, so every time I look down at my leg, I am reminded that I am strong and I survived.”

Rae had far less conviction than it sounded but saying it outloud seemed to give it foundation and substance.

“Oh Rae….that’s just lovely….we’re so proud of you.” Izzy hugged her.

“Yeah Rae…you’ve done so well…..go for it girl.” Chloe joined the embrace.

“Well there’s something else girls…..I know it’s a way off but…I’ve been thinking of perhaps….well just maybe…I could go back to teaching.”

“Gosh Rae….that would be…..” Izzy was lost for words but Chloe shrieked with joy.

“Don’t get too excited…..think I’d need to do a bit more training or something….it’s been a while…..and I know I’m nowhere near ready yet….but I like the idea of it ….I mean it’s something to aim for …right?”

“This so calls for some bubbles….. give me 5 minutes” Chloe said throwing on her coat and hat.

“It’s any excuse with you Chlo!”

“Of course….” She chirped shutting the door behind her.

“Rae?” Izzy looked up at her with concern in her eyes.

“I …I think that’s an amazing thing ….but….I don’t mean to put a downer on things…..have you thought about ….perhaps going to see someone…to talk…”

Rae swallowed in silence.

“Still having the nightmares?”

A tear streaked down Rae’s cheek in response. “I wish ….everytime I have one…it feels like a step back….it feels like it might all come tumbling down again….and I hate that…”

Izzy embraced her friend. “You’ve got us Rae….. you can call me anytime even in the middle of the night….I promise…..and Chop won’t mind. …He thinks you’re great……..oh Rae he’s asked me to move in….”

“Surely that’s good news Izz…you really like him don’t you?”

Izzy shook her head causing real consternation for a moment.

“I love him Rae….and I really want to live with him but I’m worried about leaving Chlo on her own and…well don’t you think it’s a bit soon?”

“Are you ready Izz? It’s only too soon if you think it’s too soon. It’s not too soon if you’re just worried about what other people will say or how they will judge you. You can’t help when you fall in love….like you can’t help who you fall in love with….cherish it, let it bring you joy Izz…. It’s your parents you’re really worried about right?”

Izzy nodded. “They’ve not even met Chop…..and it’s not as if he’s some clean cut lawyer or a doctor or something.”

“Izz - your mum will love his manners and enthusiasm…your dad might be more of a challenge but you love Chop…..and I know he loves you so…..be brave….happiness must never be underestimated….”

“God I love you Rae….”

Just then the door opened. Chloe returned with a couple of bottles of sparkling wine and a box of Milk Tray.

“What have I missed out on.”

“Chop’s asked me to move in and….and I’m going to..”

“Oh wow babes that’s amazing. We better crack both of these open….and girls….how can we resist Milk Tray!”

Squeals and laughter followed as bubbles fizzed over the rim of the bottle onto the carpet. Rae put the radio on and they danced around the room for a while drinking and stuffing themselves with chocolate laughing, eventually collapsing in a pile on the floor in hysterics.

“So Rae…..How’s things with your hot boyfriend.” Chloe asked eyes wide.

“Good…I think…..he is stupidly hot tho’ girls. I mean what is he doing with me?”

“Durrrr……You’re great fun…” said Izzy

“and beautiful” added Chloe

“And you have infinitely cool taste in music”

“And you’re a top friend….”

“You bake the best ever cakes…”

“And if he’s into boobs…..hes lucked out big time.”

Rae blushed..”Aww thank you guys” She responded in high spirits, not wishing to dampen the mood by giving voice to that troublesome dread inside her.

“So Chlo……what about the guy you met in the club?”

“Oh him…..we went on a date but …he’s far too into his metal and stuff for my liking….we just didn’t have much to talk about…..I think Laura would be far more his type.”

“Bloody Laura….. that girl is a grade A bitch and she needs….she needs to be brought down a peg or two…or more….”

Both Rae and Chloe could tell from Izzy’s tone that she was livid which was most unlike her.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Come on you can’t leave it there what’s Miss perfect tatto’d body done now?” Chloe asked.

“She basically went and told Finn that she was embarrassed of him because he hasn’t got many qualifications - “her new mates wouldn’t be impressed  if they found out how badly he’d done at school and college.”

Rae frowned.

“Surely Mr Grumpy didn’t take that lying down Izz.” Chloe asked.

“Actually Chlo, I think he was really crushed by it…. he didn’t say anything….but then he never says that much anyway…..but he’s hardly said anything since and he …he just doesn’t look happy. Chop even offered to have a word with her but Finn told him to fuck off….I thought they were going to have a fight for a minute…… so I left them to it. I heard the back door slam and so I went downstairs again…. Finn was smoking on the patio and Chop had an arm round him. “

“And?” Chloe probed.

“And nothing….It didn’t seem right me going out there…I tried to ask Chop about it but he kept changing the subject ….I wasn’t going to push.”

“I hope Finn ditches her…..”

“For his sake or yours Chlo?” Rae was shocked at her own bluntness. “Sorry….god I’m sorry that came out all wrong.”

“His of course……but I am sure …..well he is really fit and….well wouldn’t it be cool if we were dating 3 mates?”

Rae rolled her eyes but realised that she wasn’t the only one who had suffered from low self esteem and bad relationships over the years and her face softened.

“Actually that would be pretty cool Chlo….and both you and Finn deserve to be with good people who treat you right….you’d be a pretty stunning couple actually.”

“He’s pretty dreamy…..but not a patch on my Chop.”

Rae felt she ought to add something about “her Mike” but couldn’t’ find the right words and a mist of self-doubt and anxiety started to creep in. She could hear her friends chatting about Finn and Chop and their shared interests of football, tattoos and music.

“Rae…..Rae you ok?…..Rae?” Izzy asked.

Rae felt the tears start to choke her.

“What if…..what if….I think Mike’s going to get bored of me pretty soon.”

“Why would he do that Rae….” Chloe was confused.

“I…..we….I…..the thing is….I can’t…I’m nowhere near ready….”

Rae’s tears were in free-flow now.

“He’s going to realise what a….how…how screwed up I am ….and …well you’ve said it he’s bloody hot….he could have any pretty girl who would be only too pleased to drop her knickers for him and …..and he’s lumbered with someone who’s….who can’t…..”

Chlo and Izzy exchanged a horrified look. Both had privately come to the same conclusion on what her-ex had done to her but neither had dared speculate outloud or discuss. They had hoped their friend would find the words in her own time and that was not about to change right now.

“I mean…why would he want to stay with someone as damaged as me…..The other day when we were snogging…..all I could see was …..was Liam’s face and I ……….. I …I don’t have ..bollocks why is this so hard….why….why did I go out with him….why?”

Rae was curled up, head on her knees as both her friends placed their palms on her back.

“I…I ….I need to talk to somebody….. I know you’re here for me girls ….But I think I need…..I need …..Kester.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This needs a lot of Trigger warnings - mentions of self harm, past abuse - physical mental and ….the whole lot. It also gets dark and unsettling in places. Oh and there’s lot of swearing and tattoo talk.

She scrutinises the tatty piece of lined paper, bearing a number scrawled in biro, that’s sitting crumpled in her hands, as if looking for some meaning behind it. She thought, having firmly made the decision that she needed to talk to Kester, that organising their meeting would be a fairly straightforward process.

She wonders if she had been somewhat naive in underestimating the impact of both her confession of requiring his assistance would have on her self-esteem and the complexity of locating her former councillor, who had long since left his post in the hospital where they had first met. In the end, it had been some serious delving by her mother and Mrs Dewhurst that had finally smoked him out. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to be found, it was more the fact that he’d taken a lengthy career break and returned to a different hospital that had impeded the search.

Her mother had handed her his number at the end of a long day spent with her family, baking with her sister, chatting and playing games. Simply knowing that she was in possession of that number, fundamentally unsettled her. Even in the knowledge that Kester had never judged her in the past, she was anxious about what he would make of the situation she had put herself in, the choices she had made and most horrifying of all, who she’d been in a relationship with.

She remembers crumpling the paper into a ball on her way home, in defiance of the recognition that she was once again in a difficult place in her life requiring support and reassurance. In the very admission of her need, she knows she is inherently vulnerable, something that causes consternation in its own right.

She sighs and is relieved it’s too late to call right now. Instead she decides to phone Mike, thinking the distraction of a late night showing of some foreign film at the Arts’ Cinema would enliven her plus she’d get to spend time with her boyfriend. She visualises his well honed body and the amazing art collection on his skin and she finds herself feeling a little flushed and fans a music magazine in front of her face.

************************************************  
Jim was in flying form. She gathered from chatting, intermittently in between customers for most of her shift, that he was particularly fond of Archie. She hadn’t realised that Jim, not only had a music degree, but that he also composed. However, he had never been able to make a living from it and hence running a hotel bar had become a financial necessity.

She remembered that Izzy had once mentioned something about her sister having been a professional musician and she realised that musical talent must run deep in that family.

“So Jim….Where you going to next with Archie?”  

She had been slightly unsure of the exact semantics of their relationship and had been careful not to insinuate anything with her words. It had occurred to her that there might be an underlying reason why they had, to date, only briefly joined the group for drinks and not a whole night out.

“Well you know I’m off the rota next weekend?”

Rae nodded noting the sparkle in his eyes and cheeky grin on his face.

“We’re off to London - to the V&A and to the Tate….and then we’re going to this great restaurant in Soho that Guy, the chef here, recommended.”

“You’re going away for the weekend…together?…..Gosh you lucky things that sounds wonderful…”

“Look you won’t tell the others will you? It’s not that ….not that there’s a problem or I’m ashamed or anything….we just…we want to take things slowly…be sure of the relationship and how we feel before we put ourselves out there.”

Rae bit her lip thoughtfully. “But you do, you do like him, right?”

Jim nodded and then spoke in a soft voice

“I think….I think I more than like him…but neither of us has an illustrious relationship history and  we agreed we didn’t want to jinx things by rushing….because if it’s meant to be….it’s meant to be…We both admit that the last thing new relationships need is the pressure of others’ opinions and stuff like that. We just want to spend time together and figure out our feelings…….not that we think any of you would judge…” His voice trailed off betraying more than a hint of uncertainty.

“It’s alright Jim. I get what you’re trying to say - especially about how other people expect relationships should progress, and in what timeframe. But it’s never that simple is it? I mean some people put out on the first date and others wait until they’re married but I know full well that society would judge both of those to be extreme……you know - not to be normal and it just adds unnecessary tensions that you don’t need. And trust me, I know you have to pretty strong not to be affected by these things.”

Jim viewed Rae, a grateful smile upon his face. “You know Rae….you’re a bloody good mate and I concur…..the last thing we need is people judging us….we get enough shit just for holding hands in public. Some bastard shouted stuff about us recently …because apparently it’s not natural.”

“Oh Jim…that’s awful”. Rae placed her hand on Jim’s arm.

“It’s alright Rae… wretchedly, it seems to happen all the time…. Anyway how you and Mike faring?”

“Yeah…good….I think…..again takin’ things in our own time.”

She didn’t wish to disclose that it was all at her pace and most probably not at his, because that would be affirming something that worried her profoundly.

***************************************  
Archie had played conduit to organise Finn’s spare decks making their way to Rae’s flat. It had been arranged when she had finally visited his abode, instantly feeling at home amongst the books and art prints. Given Jim was working the late shift, the pair had settled down to a night’s drinking based silliness deciding, based on their previous public vomit based disaster following drinking games in the pub, that they were far safer staying in at his.

Archie had instituted a game of  Trivial Pursuit - but declared; instead of simply gaining cheeses as you went around the board, the cheese gainer was to generate a drinking based forfeit for the other player. They had started off on the beers sipping and chatting as the game progressed. Archie had been victorious in the battle for the first cheese and announced that they should both down a double of the other’s choosing. Naturally, Rae complained that he had the advantage of owning the game and therefore would know all the questions.

Rae had decided Archie should down a double Jack and he chose for her to down a double gin. The alcohol had warmed them both and injected further confidence into Rae.

She had won the next cheese and had adjudicated that Archie could either down another double Jack or choose or tell her about the hotel he and Jim were due to stay at. Archie had surprised her by spelling out the details of the planned trip. She had grinned not only at the thought of how happy they were, but also at how sweet it was of Archie to have organised some small surprises for his boyfriend - to be unveiled over the course of the weekend.

Archie had easily won the third and fourth cheeses making Rae drink a flaming Sambuca and then hop on one foot whilst drinking another gin. Rae started to first lament the game’s difficulty and then how clever Archie was. However, he was quick to dismiss the way she compared herself so unfavourably on the intellectual front.

“Rae….don’t do yourself down…I think you’re pretty sharp.”

“Says the lecturer to the bar maid…..”

“You’ve got a degree just like me Rae…” His face creased into a frown. “Can I….I mean..have you always just done bar work or…?”

Rae bit her lip and shook her head. “I erm……I trained as a teacher and I taught English for a while…I really enjoyed it even if the kids were hard work at times.”

“Why did you stop then?” The liquor had robbed Archie of his usual tact.

Rae sighed and grabbed the gin, pouring herself a generous shot ,which she necked and then turned to look face Archie.

“He….he was ok with it to start with…but then….he resented me having a job…… and then I had to take so much time off sick after…..after…..oh .fuck..you know.” she sighed.

Archie rapidly came to his senses conceiving that he had unwittingly stumbled onto a topic with such distressing connotations. He resolved to remain silent, simply placing a hand on hers; a concerned and earnest smile on his face.

“It’s ok…I just …..one of my colleagues got a bit too close to…..to the truth.” She shrugged as if trying to rid herself of the appalling visions of what had happened in consequence. “And I just couldn’t go back after that ………I couldn’t have gone in for a couple of weeks anyway so….”

A few tears ran down her cheek and she shuddered at the memory biting hard on the back of her hand to prevent her from dissolving into a sobbing wreck.

Archie’s brain took a while to process her comments and decipher the meaning behind them. His quiet exclamation of “Jesus” was quickly followed by him taking her hand in his own.

“You know I think the world of you Rae. You’re one brave lady and you know I will always listen if you want me to.”

She remained staring unfocused into the distance and he understood she was attempting to regain composure.

“I…I know and it’s kind of you….but I think ….I think I might need some specialist sort of help. There’s someone I used to talk to  and…” She trailed off.

Following a couple of minutes of fidgeting silence she changed tack.

“So who do’you normally play this with?”

“You’d be surprised…. Mike, Chop and Finn have all been known to indulge.”

“Chop….seriously ?”

“Yeah of course….he’s one smart puppy when he wants to be and you don’t need me to tell you that Mike knows his stuff when it comes to architecture and music. Though Finn hates it because he reckons he’s not very bright but, to be honest, it’s just a lack of general knowledge. He’s actually bloody intelligent and on subject he’s amazing…..not that he’d believe you if you told him though…Laura’s got a lot to answer for…. oh…. shit I shouldn’t…”

Rae discerned a pattern - first Izzy, then Chop and now Archie.

“Look you should really let him lend you his spare decks….you two could debate Indie music for the rest of the year….trust me he really knows his music.”

“But I know my music.” She pouted in jest.

He laughed. “I’m just glad you two are no longer arguing about it anymore.”

“Who says we’re not? ‘Cos he’s got some duff vinyl…..have you really looked through those crates in detail Archer?…..Some of his LPs are just….shocking. Fuck me I need to have another drink just to get over the memory of some of the shite I located…I mean Bucks Fizz!”

Archie burst into chesty laughter and took the refilled shot glass from Rae.

“Chin chin.”

“Down the hatch.”

**********************************  
Archie and Finn turned up together one Wednesday afternoon and lugged the decks up to her flat, along with some old speakers that belonged to Chop. Lastly, Archie carried up a crate of vinyl whilst Finn commenced setting up the system complete with a distinctly vintage looking amp.

“Belonged to me da….did this. You take good care of it Mae, right.”

She giggled at him. “Thought it was more your vintage than mine Nelson…I mean it goes with some of those suspect 70s records in your collection.”

“I don’t have any “suspect” vinyl Mae….what ya blatherin’ on ‘bout?”

“The case for the prosecution, M’lord.” Rae stated straight faced to Archie…”James Taylor and Roxy Music….oh and Bony M.”

Archie fought valiantly keep a straight face.

“And how does the defendant respond?”

“The prosecution has either been misinformed or is deaf…there’s nowt wrong with James Taylor or Roxy music… your honour.” He postulated with a wink.

“And how do you plead in the case of Bony M?” Archie adjusted his spectacles.

“Not guilty…..was me da’s….”

“Yeah, yeah, likely story.” Rae retorted.

“Excuse me - Counsel for the Prosecution….I haven’t yet given you permission to speak.”

“Shut up Archer…..go and make the tea while I educate the defense as to what constitutes a good tune.”

Finn raised his eyebrows at her in defiance. “As if …Mae.”

“Oi… My Lord…can you please tell the defense that I’ll kick him out of court if he doesn’t get my name right.”

Finn started to laugh this time and watched Rae’s face light up as she sorted through the LPs and singles he’d decided to “lend” her. Who was he trying to kid? They were meant as a gift, but that was intended never to be imparted,  as he recognised that she would never accept them a such.

Rae kicked off the celebrations with Definitely Maybe singing along to Liam Gallagher’s vocal whilst they all drank cups of tea.

“Oh shit….fuck…it’s nearly 5, I need to get back…got to prepare for tomorrow.”

Archie seemed to make rather too conspicuous a show of looking at his watch and shot out of the flat following hurried goodbyes, promising Rae he’d come round later in the week.

As the needle reached the end of Side A and the room was filled with a rhythmic clicking noise, Finn bit his lip and furrowed his brow.

“Suppose I should make a move. You just look after my records Mae.”

Rae’s words fell from her lips before she even realised what she was saying.

“You don’t have to…..I mean if you’ve got nothing better to do….provided you don’t pollute my flat with any of your dodgy music choices.”

He grinned at her.

“Tins are in the fridge.” She nodded over her shoulder.

He returned with a couple of cans of Carlsberg, chucking one at Rae and proceeded to extract the Roses “Second Coming” from the crate.

They debated the merit of various Stone Roses tracks and the subject soon moved onto other bands and albums. They had depleted the first six pack when Finn suddenly jumped up.

“Shit…I’d nearly forgotten.” He started rummaging around in his bag and produced a thick black sketch book and plopped himself down next to Rae on the floor.

“Here…I erm…..well….see what ya think.”

Rae received the book and opened it upon the first page. It was filled with an intricate pattern hand drawn in black ink and her jaw dropped. She flicked to the second page which contained a similar but subtly different pattern, then to the third and the fourth …..noting the delicate variations in each design, which nevertheless maintained the same strong interwoven bands.

“Oh Finn….”

“Just some rough ideas I was playin’ with that’s all.”

She noted how he was gazing at his shoes and pondered his expression. It slightly unnerved her to see him looking so….so…she couldn’t quite name it. Was it shy, nervous or …or what?

“These are incredible Finn…how do you come with such ….such stuff?”

He shrugged. “Well I was just thinking about that book Chop said you liked…You know the one about Polynesian tattoos…..and …well..”

Finn’s voice and face became animated as he expounded on the history and cultural significance of the pe’a and malu of the Samoans and the cultural pride and identity associated with those tattoos. He explained how the tattoos were traditionally applied by hand and that they denoted rank and descent of the wearer. He continued by stating that apparently, according to story, the art of tattooing in Samoa was derived from some Fijian women who had sung a song about believing only women should be tattooed but at some point in time the song’s meaning had possibly become misinterpreted. Eventually, a Samoan chief had allowed himself to be tattooed and so a tribal tradition had begun. The word tatau had derived from the tapping noise the primitive comb like instrument had made when it  had been used to apply the ink.

Rae was engaged and enthralled when he’d carried on talking in detail about things like the lama or candle nut, which was used to make the pigment and how these were placed on a hot fire. A coconut shell was used to collect the soot and this was then mixed with sugary water to produce the ink.

“Have you ever done a tattoo like that? I mean with that sort of design.” She asked clumsily.

He shook his head.

“Nah and I wouldn’t. Those tattoos belong to the Samoan people. They’re of such cultural significance and tradition that I couldn’t even begin ta understand them properly. I mean the designs are handed down through the generations and have special familial significance.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t use them for inspiration in their own way. I know a lot of people just want a picture or specific design tattoo’d on them but I believe having a tattoo can be far more than just a piece of art on the skin…….it gives you the opportunity to create your own expression and heritage….that’s why I like patterns. Each one can express something profound and meaningful for the wearer - something unique but not obvious to everyone out there.”

Rae was still gazing at him, enraptured by the fire in his eyes and the passion in his voice as well as his unexpected verbosity, when he finally turned shyly to look at her.

“Sorry….I’ve been boring ya, rambling on an’ on.”

“No, not all Finn….what you said it was….it was extraordinary. Finn?”

He smiled softly at her and raised his eyebrows.She couldn’t help but be distracted by the deep brown of his eyes, the freckles on his face and the warmth of his expression as if she had looked upon them for the very first time; and her breath caught in her chest. It took her a few seconds to get her brain to send the correct signals to get her mouth to function again.

“When I was in the office with Archie a few weeks back, the drawing I was looking at …….I ..I can’t get it out of my head, so feminine yet bold and strong and ….reminiscent of this.” She said flicking back to the second sketch and pointing to the mid-section.

“But it was stronger, more passionate…..it had more depth …but…..could you…could you try and work a little of that and a little of this together with a bit of influence from the malus ….I …I like the bit about creating my own unique heritage.” She said quietly, unsure of what she was asking and how he might respond.

“Bloody hell Mae…..would you like the moon on the stick to go with it.”

Observing her raw expression and somehow interpreting what she was trying to convey he softly added:

“T’would be a fuckin’ honour girl…but I’m going to need a bit of time to think about it…to get it right.”

She squeezed his hand as thanks and then jumped up to locate more beers in the ancient fridge.

“Oh bollocks….seems we’ve drunk the place dry …that is unless you can stomach the thought of neat London gin.”

He laughed and was about to take this as his cue to leave when her dulcet tones echoed through the flat once again.

“I’m leaving you in charge of music…and I’ll nip down to the shops for more beer. Mind though…I won’t be impressed if I return and find you playing B Witched or something!”

****************  
She returned 10 minutes later to the aural delights of The Beatles. She chucked her coat on the sofa and noticed Finn leafing through a hard-back book, which contained her heavy scrawls in the margins.

“Here” she said passing him a can.

“The fuck is this Mae? It’s pretty crazy stuff….I’m not even sure this is spelt right.”

“Oh it’s Spenser’s Faerie Queen - it’s an epic poem published in the 1590s. It’s an allegorical work - an examination of virtues.”

“You what?” Finn said; disbelief and confusion clearly evident in his expression.

“Well, it’s basically an Elizabethan poem which celebrates the Queen and protestant values and stuff. But the story is actually about the quests of the 12 knights from the fairy queen Gloriana’s courts.”

“How do’you know all this stuff Mae?”

She bit her lip and once again felt that there was nothing to be gained from hiding her past from Finn.

“I have a degree in English….and I er…I used to be an English teacher believe it or not.”

“Wow……flippin’ heck Mae. Always thought you was pretty clever.”

“Yeah well even if I were clever, it didn’t prevent me from making some pretty shit decisions though….”

He tapped on the can’s lid and opened his beer slowly and she knew he was contemplating something.

“So…I take it….I take it you miss it?”

She nodded and whispered “yeah.” She was quick to divert the conversation and rather clumsily asked:

“Did you go to University Finn?”

“Are you having a laugh?” He responded with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

He started to bite at his cuticles on his left hand and she observed the tense movements his right hand seemed to be making involuntarily.

“Here - use this as an ashtray.” She said placing her empty beer can in front of him.

“I can’t smoke in ya flat.”

“It’s fine with me Finn….come on we’re mates aren’t we…..don’t deny you really want one now.”

She saw him bite his lip as she went to fetch more cans from the fridge. He opened his and began to roll up a cigarette, whilst she put Bowie on the turntable.

“I …I only really got a single A level me….in art. Flunked the others ‘cos I hated college and never turned up to class and stuff. Only got art as our teacher - Miss Jones, bent the rules a bit and allowed me extra time to finish all me course work and stuff. The written things were….well I’m no good wit’ words.”

Rae sat in silence innately aware of his need to explain this at his own pace.

“I remember when results day came round. The others all went round to school to collect theirs…..and I ….well I couldn’t be bothered….as I knew I’d done shite. Me da came home from work all excited and then ……well he were angry that I hadn’t bothered to even find out …probably not helped by the fact I was shit-faced and smokin’ a joint when he’d found me…..

Anyway the next day, Miss Jones popped by with the envelope. I’d got an A in art……I failed geography of course and …..I got a C in Maths….to this day I’m sure it were a mistake as I didn’t even show for the last exam.

Somehow Miss Jones had managed to smuggle my portfolio to a mate of hers in Art college and he reckoned they’d give me a place if I took a gap year as they were already full for the September after I finished college….. but I never applied….I mean I think he was probably only being nice and then I met Mike through Chop and went down to London and sort of learnt me trade.

Mike’s uncle knows this old boy who has a joint down Camden way and…..well that’s where some of me ink came from….. after me first tattoo….I was so fascinated that I read up and designed me second - when he saw me drawings, he said he’d teach me……I had do a few courses and that but it were a proper apprenticeship….good old fashioned hard work…and I hardly earnt a thing. But I’m half decent these days….at least I like to think so.”

Rae’s mouth got the better of her at last.

“Half decent….really? Finn you’re in-fuckin’-credible. And …don’t get cross but Archie showed me some of your paintings at his……you…you have a real raw talent.”

“Hmmm……” His tone was heavily laced with skepticism.

He opened yet another can and she was fascinated by the patterns she could see emerging from the bottom of his shirt sleeve and realised that she’d never really properly seen his collection before now. She hadn’t known that she had been staring until his voice broke her concentration.

“Do you….do wanna look at them?”

She nodded and he unbuttoned the cuff of his checked shirt, pushing it above his elbow. She tenderly took his arm in her hands and traced the markings with a featherlight touch.

“This old guy in Camden….he do these?”

Finn nodded speechless, and could only bear silent witness as she turned his arm, mesmerised by the images. She was so emboldened by the beer that she tried to roll the flannel up a little further in order to follow the art up his arm. He smirked at the sweet frustration in her expression as she came to realise that the fabric would not push more than an inch or two past his elbow.

“You er….you want me ta take this off?”

She stared wide eyed at him and he laughed.

“..’s ok I gotta vest underneath.”

She assented with a slight nod and observed intently as he removed his shirt by unbuttoning the second sleeve and pulling the whole thing forwards over his head. He sat there monitoring her expression as she took his other hand in hers and delineated the patterns up his left arm ever so lightly with her fingertips.

She repeated the process again with his right arm., his eyes now following her fingers.  Her fingers finally came to rest on his bicep, her eyes intently focussed on the ink, her breath a little shorter.

“This one….this is something quite extraordinary Finn….I mean the other arm’s good but this…Jesus.”

“Well he’s not Jesus but he’s the best I’ve ever seen.” His jovial tone breaking the almost uncomfortable intimacy.

Rae laughed noting how his eyes crinkled as he joined her. As their shared mirth grew, Rae ended up lying on her back on the floor.

“Finn?”

“Mae?”

“Record needs changing.”

“Oh trust me now do ya? When ya can’t be arsed to move….well….let’s see.”

As some unfamiliar tones emanated from the speakers Finn took another swig from his can.

“What is this Finn…this lady’s got one hell of a voice?”

“Like it do ya….one of me da’ favourites…I got 3 copies - Joan Armatrading.”

“This song and her voice…..the lyrics are so powerful…. here.” she patted the space next to her.

Finn lay back putting a hand behind his head, unselfconsious about how his well muscled arms were on full display.

“Yeah I prefer Down to Zero to Carly Simon’s You’re so Vain…..” He drawled.

She smiled, sneaking what she thought was a secret glance at him, and let the music wash over and through her. The pair lay in silence, occasionally smiling at each other, listening to the music as it travelled from the shallows of their shared conscious to the cavernous depths of their souls.

Finn lit another cigarette. Rae, in her alcoholic haze, couldn’t prevent herself from scrutinizing his face with its dark thick eyebrows, the smattering of freckles, the soft lines around his deep expressive eyes, the strong jawline and wondered how she had had never really understood just how beautiful he was before.

He turned to face her. “You ok Mae? Ya’re staring off inta space.”

She blushed and was incapable of inhibiting a grin spreading across her face.

“Thanks Finn…..it’s wonderful being able to jus’ listen to music again.”

“.’s nothing Mae….”

“Thank you….I really mean it….I’ve missed just being able to lie down and let music take me on a journey…I know it sounds really cheesy….but it I feel it in my soul….”

“Nah it’s not cheesy….I feel music in a way…on a level nothing else can reach.”

As “Love and Affection” started to play, they resumed their silent vigil.

Now if I can feel the sun  
In my eyes  
And the rain on my face  
Why can’t I  
Feel love

Rae let her head rest on Finn’s shoulder, a tear escaping down her cheek. He twisted his head and kissed her hair wordlessly.

The record came to end. Finn was thinking about getting up and flipping it to the B-side when he saw that Rae had fallen asleep. He considered his course of action carefully, wondering what she would want to him do. After significant internal debate, he covered her with a throw, left a brief note and shut the door carefully to ensure the Yale lock worked properly, to keep her safe and secure within, and wandered out into the dark cloudless night. He looked up to the sky, once again lighting a cigarette, and marvelled at the constellations above.

**********************

Rae took a long time to come to. She groggily pulled at the blanket covering her and tried in vain to get comfortable again, which was when she realised that she had been sleeping on a cold hard floor and not in her soft warm bed. After a few moments of confusion, the decks caught her eye and the events of the previous day came flooding back, making her wonder when exactly she’d drifted off and knowing that he must have covered her.

The realisation that she had been asleep, absolutely vulnerable in her flat with a man, would only hit her several days later.

The feelings of awkwardness started to seep in as she got up, tidied the throw away and began to shower. It was only when she left the bathroom in search of a hairbrush that she saw the scribbled note lying on the kitchen counter:

“Mae…..needed ta get back . You know Chopper can’t be left on his own for too long….someone needs to make sure he eats and gets out of bed in the morning…and someone most definitely needs him to stop telling shite jokes. Hope you slept ok…I didn’t want to wake you….promise I’ll be extra careful to make sure door’s properly looked.  
Laters Finn x”

A strange warm feeling flooded her, which she put down to having successfully navigated the challenge of having a hetrosexual man in her flat with no harm having befallen her.

She put the Stone Roses eponymous album on the decks and started dancing around the room. That warm feeling grew into a budding euphoria and she was so revived by the confidence that it instilled, that she decided to invite herself around for a solo visit to Mike’s flat.

*******************************  
She had spent an inordinate amount of time preparing for the evening. She had worked an extra shift in the hotel bar; bringing in some much needed extra cash. She had collected the last of her tips from the jar where she kept them at home and turfed out every last coat and jeans pocket in the search for lost change.

She looked at the money in her hands, it certainly didn’t add up to much but she didn’t dare touch the small amount in her bank account as that was all she had to keep her going until next pay day; and there were bills to meet in the interim.

She walked into the main part of town, saving the bus fare - giving her another pound or so to spend. First and foremost, new underwear was required. Her mother had kindly bought her some bras along with a few items of clothing when she had moved into the flat, knowing full well that Rae would see these as a something of an extravagance. But, being a woman of substance herself, Linda knew only too well, the impact decent upholstery could have on self-esteem. However, her choices had been more suited to a middle aged woman, and whilst Rae had been grateful they weren’t in the Triumph Doreen category, they were hardly suitable for a young woman to flash at her boyfriend, and a particularly hot one at that.

She knew decent underwear would be expensive but was shocked at the price of the boulder holders she needed. Having tried several on, she settled for a jade bra and matching pants. She would liked to have bought another but if she was going to buy an outfit, the second bra would have to wait.

Having recklessly trawled through the sale rails in the town centre shops, she headed to the charity shops, determination still in her stride. The first few shops were not too promising - things were either too small or distinctly resembled Mrs Dewhurst’s curtains. She told herself not to be silly when the fourth shop also had nothing to offer. It was the sixth shop that devoured her good mood. It was getting late, so she started the trudge back towards her flat when something caught her eye in the window of yet unbeknown shop.

The dress wasn’t her usual style with its plethora of sequins over the bodice but she could tell it was pinned to the mannequin and might just fit. A bell tinkled as she entered the shop.

“I’m just about to close up love.”

That’s when the tears started. She was about to back out from whence she came when the woman’s voice softened.

“You ok love?”

Rae shook her head. “It’s just….it’s well…I was so looking forward to my date with my new boyfriend but I …I …well I’ve nothing to wear..I’ve only 5 outfits to my name and he’s seen them in every combination possible….and I can’t afford to shop in town …had to buy myself underwear ‘cos I only left with one bra and…..”

Rae stopped, horrified at the candidness of her stuttered disclosure.

“Would you like a cup of tea love….looks like you could use one…..and to be honest I’ve got nothing to get back to.”

Rae nodded in stunned silence.

The woman turned the sign on the door to closed and scurried out to the back, appearing a few minutes later with tea.

“Want to tell me about it love?”

Rae shook her head but the words tumbled out nonetheless in a rebellion against her rational self.

“I…I had to leave my last place with just a bag of clothes….I left nearly all my books and music behind and stuff….and I know I’m lucky to have a job, a flat, which my mum scraped together a rental deposit for ….and I get by really well most of time…but I’ve had my mates round for a couple of nights…..and I think company and friendship are far more important than clothes and stuff….But I just want to look nice for my boyfriend and ….”

She tipped the contents of her purse into her hand…”I’ve got about £20….if I was skinny I might have found something on the sale rails ……but alas no…. and I just want him to think I look nice…because he’s really nice and kind and considerate and he deserves that…..and I …I probably don’t deserve him….’cos I am only meant for someone like my ex….”

Rae stared at the floor unable to hold back the tears that came.

“You know love…..many years ago I had to leave someone in a hurry… because he wasn’t very nice and I …I know what it’s like trying to rebuild things…..your ex ?”

Rae looked up and uttered almost in relief: “He wasn’t very nice. Actually …he was …the things he did….”: Her voice diminishing to a whisper.

The woman sighed. They sat in silence drinking their tea unable to articulate any further.

“Thanks….that was really kind of you….sorry to have made such a tit of myself.”

“Not at all love. Look - let’s see if we can put something nice together for you….£20 goes a long way in here.”

Rae sat back down, words failed her completely, as the woman unpinned the dress from the mannequin in the window, and rummaged through the rails, pulling out items as she saw fit. She handed the pile to Rae.

“Just try these on - and I’ll see what we’ve got out the back.”

Rae didn’t know what was more of a surprise: the woman’s kindness, or the way she had somehow managed to assemble coherent outfits that seemed to both suit and fit her despite the disparate size labels born by the clothes.

At the end of the session Rae and the woman had identified three good outfits. The sequined black dress and a blue knitted bolero jacket, a short black cord skirt with a checked shirt in purples and greens and a knee length navy dress with red ties under the bust and a burgundy mohair cardigan.

“I think …I think I’ll go for the sequined dress and bolero.” Rae said handing over her money.

“Oh no love….you must have all the outfits.”

“I don’t have the money and this is a charity shop.”

“Don’t you worry.” The woman replied taking out her own purse. “The charity’ll get its money.”

“I….you don’t have to.”

“I want to. No arguments love….let’s just say the next time you meet someone who really needs your help…you help them….it’s how I got back on my feet…. and love….please be careful…please look after yourself.”

“Thank you.” Rae muttered as the woman herded her out of the shop handing her a card.

“If you ever need help….these people helped me.” She said.

Rae was halfway down the street when she realised she’d never even asked the woman’s name and turned over the card. It was for a local women’s shelter and whilst she was thankful she didn’t need it now, she was comforted by its very existence.

*********************************************

By the time she arrived back at her flat, Rae only had time for a quick shower. Technically, there was only sufficient time for “pits and bits”, but this was a date and she would rather be late than unclean. She left the shower giggling and towel dried her hair whilst deciding which of the outfits would work best for tonight.

She finally opted for the navy dress with the burgundy cardigan and a trusty pair of leggings; a good combination of  feminine yet not too saccharine she thought. She applied light make-up, some perfume from a sample bottle and grabbed the cupcakes she’d made  and bottle of wine Jim had given her from the fridge.

Mike’s flat was a good half hour’s walk from her place, which provided clear thinking time. This was something that normally inculcated trepidation as her mind would unwittingly choose to visit memories that she felt unprepared and reluctant to face, but that evening she relished the opportunity to relive recent events with a burgeoning sense of dignity and self-respect.

Having music back in her life brought her such inexorable joy, for it ran thick in veins; it had always been a part of her lifeblood. Finding it again was akin to discovering and restoring a lost part of herself. Her thoughts inadvertently turned Finn and that evening they had spent listening to music and a warm feeling of security and comfort permeated her. She had felt so relaxed and contented, even after he had removed his shirt. She smiled wryly at the realisation that she was surrounded by good looking men who were happy with their bodies and seemed equally comfortable with hers.

It provided such a stark contrast to that darkness and self-loathing of before and Liam’s utter contempt for her body and her utter distaste for it. For the first time, she briefly considered whether there was a link and then consciously pushed the thought firmly out of her mind. Tonight was to be enjoyed, not for being intimidated by the past.

She knocked on Mike’s door and was greeted with a kiss. She grinned noting how he was still wearing his beanie inside with a checked shirt and black jeans but was again barefoot. He lead her in by the hand to the immaculate kitchen where she put down her bags.

“Shall I open the wine?”

“Well I didn’t bring it to look at did I ?”

He laughed heartily and set to his task producing two elegant glasses from a beech unit and pouring the pale liquid out.

“Here you go.” They clinked glasses, then he put his down, walking closer to her.

“God, I’ve missed your beautiful smile petal.”

She giggled. “You been busy this week?”

He nodded. “London to guest at another studio for couple of nights and then covering Finny’s slots today as …..” He trailed off.

She looked at him questioningly.

“Damn it. I wasn’t supposed to say anything….just don’t let onto Finn.”

“What?”

“He’s stayed in London to meet an old  mate to do a bit of research for your design. And …well I could hardly say no because it’s for you.”

“You’ve seen it?”

“Of course not. It’s for you to show me sweetheart when you’re ready. Though I have to say I’m intrigued. It’s unlike Finn to spend this long on the artwork. He’s got such a good eye for design it’s …it’s completely instinctive for him……anyway that’s enough about work….”

He held her gaze for longer than she was used to and closed the distance between their bodies. In one movement he put his glass down and moved his left hand to her waist. He smoothed a thumb over her cheek and leant into to kiss her. The first few seconds felt good before a creeping tension returned and she felt compelled to pull back.

He may have been disappointed ,but if so, it was well camouflaged with a smile as he busied himself with retrieving dishes from the fridge. She was amazed to discover that he had clearly planned and thought out their meal in great detail. They ate the first two courses at the kitchen table and she laughed as he fed her forkfuls of his food.

“Bloody hell Mike. That was incredible. I had no idea you were an excellent cook.”

“Well….I trained for a bit before deciding that I preferred tattooing. But to be honest, I learnt a lot of it from my mum.”

“How on earth did you go from cooking to tattooing?”

He grinned clearly relishing the chance to relive his tale. “I’ve always done my own thing in life. My dad passed when I was in my teens and mum, well she brought me up to be an independent boy - doing the laundry, ironing and cooking of course. Mum had to work as we didn’t have much money so I started working in pub kitchens from 15. The trouble with that was I started drinking and partying hard from an early age.

There was never a sober weekend. I have to admit it was great fun. My mates were absolutely crazy - but mostly a fair bit older. At 17, I left school, much to mum’s dismay, and moved to London with a couple of lads from one of the posh pubs I worked in. They were only working their to fund other careers. Dave wanted to be on the stage and Luke in a band.

Rather naively we poured our savings into a deposit for a one bedroom flat. The bedroom only had space for a double so it was a bit of a lottery - it’s use depended on who made it to bed first. We also had futon in the living room, which the third person had to use. We all ended up in low paid jobs to fund the dreams. I managed to pick up an apprenticeship in a kitchen of a decent restaurant. The hours were shocking and the work undeniably hard.

The problem was we all partied so hard  - we were getting by on virtually no sleep and pissing our hard earned cash against a wall every night of the week. To cut a long story short, after a particularly gruelling 14 hours at the restaurant one weekend, I got pissed and lost. I wandered off and ended up in some back street in Soho where they had a late night tattoo parlour.

I walked in fascinated and decided to get one on the spot. But the old boy Peter, who ran it wouldn’t tattoo me as I’d had too much to drink. He told me to come back sober and so I left with his card in my pocket.

I went back a couple of weeks later and we talked for hours as it was empty. I’ve always enjoyed classical art so sketched out the design I wanted thinking it would be shit and he’d improve on it. Instead he asked me to draw it again. I had no idea why he asked that but he then asked me to sketch him, which I did and ….well I ended up with a free tattoo and an apprenticeship.

He was the one who introduced me to Bill - the blackwork specialist In Camden who I spent 6 months working with and who subsequently trained Finn.”

Rae confidently raised her eyes to meet his.

“Crickey…quite a journey there. I can’t believe you went through all of that at such a young age.”

“It took me years to learn though petal, I’m an old man now myself.”

She laughed and playfully swatted his arm. “Ha ha.”

“You want to play then do you?”

She laughed and he blew a kiss at her.

“If you really want to kiss me Mikey boy…….you’re going to have to catch me.”

With that she took off into the living room laughing, astonished at her own audacity. When he caught her for the first time, she kissed him chastely on the cheek and ran off again. The second time she kissed his lips softly but managed to dive off again.

The third time, they ended up on the rug on the living room floor as she had inadvertently slipped. She kissed him from a sitting position and he joined her tentatively. This time her tongue explored his mouth and his hands rested on her shoulders.

She wasn’t sure quite how it happened but her hand ended up on his chest and she was once again drawn by inked artwork covered by a checked shirt and she started to unbutton it. He pulled back in surprise.

“Sorry.” She whispered.

“Nothing to be sorry petal for…just you don’t have to.” He said with a shrug.

“But…but I wanted to.”

“In that case…let me help you.” He smiled and undid his buttons.

Rae ran her hand down his chest biting her lip. They kissed again and this time she slipped the shirt off his shoulders and stared as she noticed for the first time that his back was covered by a hugely detailed and exquisitely coloured dragon. He moved into kiss her again and as the kiss deepened, her hands found their way from his chest down to his stomach causing him to groan. And suddenly, he was kissing her laying her back against the rug. Momentarily, she felt blissful revelling in the feeling of his body laying upon hers and she moaned.

And then something unearthed itself from her subconscious and it was as if time itself had stopped. She felt completely disassociated from her body as if she were watching him move against her from a distance. The light had gone out in her eyes and she lay there limply in a deeply ingrained response.

“Rae….Rae…..oh shit…Rae….petal?”

She came to from her trance as he lifted himself off her and she rolled onto her side pulling her knees up towards her chest.

“I am so sorry sweetheart….I thought you were …..”

He leant down and laid a hand on her arm and she jerked convulsively away from his touch.

“Oh fuck…..what have I done…..”  he mumbled in despair walking to the far end of the room pulling his beanie off his head and running his hands through his hair.

He wandered back slowly, taking deep breaths trying to gather his thoughts, and crouched next to her.

“Petal……I never meant…..you need to tell me what you want me to do….”

Rae eventually sat up and whispered.

“Sorry…it was me…not you…I….Christ I’m sorry Mike……you must think……”

The tears never name. Just a creeping sense of numbness, failure and self-loathing. How could she react in such a way to make her wonderful, patient and cause her kind boyfriend feel so awful?

“Petal….please tell me what you need ….”

She looked up as she heard his voice crack to see tears in his eyes and worry etched deeply into his face.

“I’m so sorry Mike…..I…..I….I thought it was going to be ok. But it…it wasn’t. This is all my fault.”

“No sweetheart, no it’s not.”

“I’m sorry for ruining your evening…..told you I was a screw up…..I’m….just too …too..”

She couldn’t find the word right then and felt the most intense desire to leave. So she grabbed her coat and shoes and fled with a barrage of “sorrys”. The bewildered and hurt look on his face would stay with her for a long time,  burnt deeply into her subconscious.

As soon as she arrived home, she tore her clothes off and got straight into the shower. The tears came thick and fast as she stood under the water scrubbing at her skin, trying to erase its past memories. Strong feelings of self-hatred washed through her everytime she saw Mike’s face. Most of all she despised her leaving him with lack of an explanation, something she believed she was simply too damaged to do.

The word “damaged” kept flooding through her head long after the water ran cold and she left shivering on the floor of the shower, head resting on her knees.

**************************************  
It had taken her a couple of days to recover sufficiently to function as life required. She had confessed her mortifying abhoration to Archie, Chloe and Izzy who had visited en masse the following evening after her shift at the bar.

It quickly became apparent that Mike had called Archie in distress, too fearful of exacerbating or adding to her anguish to call her himself. Instead, he had sent a bouquet of flowers with a handwritten card. The message had deeply affected Rae:

“Petals for my petal! Sweetheart I can’t help but believe this is all my doing and for that I am truly sorry. Please don’t forget you’re a beautiful, funny and amazing woman and I am extraordinarily proud to know you. If being with me is too much right now then all you have to do is say so. I wish you to understand that I care for you deeply and will wait for you as long as you want me to. Miss your smile. Mike xxx”

By strange coincidence she had sent him some yellow roses with a simple “Sorry - It was me…you’re great love Rae” on the attached note.

It was evident that Mike had imparted something of that evening to Archie and, in the end, she had decided to explain herself to her friends lest any of them should attribute responsibility for her actions at his door.

The four spent the evening listening to music, eating take away and laughing. The conversation flowed as easily as the wine. They were a fair way down the third bottle when Archie dramatically sat up clapping his hand to his forehead.

“Fuck’s sake…. my brain’s been going to mush since I’ve been with Jim.”

“That’s ‘cos its lurve.” Chloe sang.

“Ohhhhhh….It must be love.” Izzy giggled.

“It must be love, love love….” sang Rae.

Archie laughed. “Only you would sing a Madness tune as a response….you’re priceless Rae..”

“So some might say.”

“Will you stop quoting lyrics at me?”

“Don’t stop me now, because ‘i’m having a good time, I’m having a ball.”

Sonorous peals of laughter filled the tiny flat as the friends all collapsed in a hysterical drunken heap. It took a significant amount of time for them all to regain sufficient equilibrium to allow the conversation to continue.

“What were you going to say Archie….before Rae baffled us all with her music knowledge?”

Archie turned round and pulled a large envelope out of his bag.

“Here you go Rae…Finn sent this. Mike reckoned it would cheer you up….something like that.”

Rae bit her lip perturbed at the thought of what Mike might have said, and to Finn of all people.

“Oh and Mike says he hasn’t seen it yet.”

Rae’s brow creased as she took the envelope and carefully tore along the gummed down flap. It contained several pieces of paper. It only took a brief glimpse for her to understand what these were and she quickly stuffed the papers back in, cognizant of her need to review them in peace and ponder their meaning.

“So what is it Rae?”

“Come on what’s in there….you’ve gone all pink.” Chloe observed.

“It’s ermmm…. Finn’s designed me a tattoo.” She said shyly.

“Oh wow…come on let’s have a peek….”

Rae held the envelope close to her chest.

“What you having Rae…. I know he’s been working really hard on the design ‘cos he left reference books all over the table last week.” Izzy added.

“I….I…..look I don’t want this to come out the wrong way….But I was kind of thinkin’ after everything that’s happened…..I’d like Mike to be the first one to see.”

Izzy smiled and nodded.

“Finn’s so talented isn’t he Rae….I mean my butterfly is amazing…sure we can’t tempt you just to share just a tiny bit?”

She shook her head. “Nah and I don’t want you mentioning it to Mike either…..as I’m not going to show him until it’s finished.”

Izzy’s eyes widened and Chloe did a double take.

“No I don’t mean that…” she admonished.

“But he needs to see me scars and all at some point….” She added uncertainly.

Archie grasped her hand and kissed her on the cheek.

“And I want to show I am getting stronger slowly…..and I’m…I’m healing.” She added.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all - all the usual Trigger warnings apply - there’s reference to all sorts of past abuse - physical, mental and the rest. There’s also current verbal/mental abuse. We have flashbacks/ptsd…..all sorts of other reactive conditions going on here.   
> Secondly - I apologise my eyes are screwed. For the last few days my vision has declined (lack of sleep and spending up to 20 hours a day on a computer). I think this part is not as erudite as the last, neither does it have the flow or bounce. But I can’t go on re-editing so it will stand after a single pass.

She pulls the duvet tighter around her, trying to ignore the wretched bleeping from her alarm, a loud groan escaping her lips. Exhaustion had weaved its sinuous fingers through her head making her feel muzzy and confused, as well as causing her limbs to ache and feel heavy.

Her sleep had, yet again, been cruelly disturbed by her subconscious regurgitating the vilest of her past torments. She sighs and forces herself out of bed and stumbles into the kitchen with the intention of reviving her flagging body and mind with strong, sweet tea.

Kettle on, she commands her unwilling legs to take her into the bathroom and sinks wearily onto the toilet. Head between her knees, she starts to doze off again, such is her fatigue. But soon she startles with the cold and laboriously drags herself back to the kitchen.

She tries to lay the blame for her heightened insecurity at the broken lock on the outside door, which leads to her flat. In her agitated state, she pays insufficient attention to what her hands are doing, inadvertently pouring boiling water over her left hand and is incapacitated with the shock. It takes her a couple of minutes to position the afflicted hand under the cold water tap and lessen the searing pain.

Some twenty minutes later, she’s dressed in creased uniform and futilely attempting to bandage her left hand with her right. Finally, she grasps the telephone and knocks loose a piece of paper, which had been hiding underneath. She stares at her mother’s handwriting and innately understands that calling Kester has now become a necessity and no longer a nicety. But time is currently not on her side and she scrambles with the phone buttons trying to call her mother.

********************************  
She withstood the first three hours of her shift in relatively good grace; her makeshift dressing lasting well. But a nefarious and near overwhelming fatigue had crept in by the time Jim arrived to manage the lunchtime rush.

“Rae? Are you ok? You’re looking very pale?”

She nodded wanly and continued to organise the glasses into the racks, turning her back towards him. She then winced in pain, gasping slightly as she knocked the back of her hand on the corner of a cabinet.

“Rae….” Jim walked over.  “What’ve you done to your hand?”

“It’s nothing.”

She swallowed feeling slightly hot and flustered, and increasingly nauseous with the pain and all the memories it evoked. Suddenly she grabbed the counter, as on catching sight of her red converse, her mind recalled the the colour of her scalded flesh, and dizziness threatened to overcome her.

  
“Shit Rae…sit down please.” Jim ordered pushing a stool towards her.

He knelt down in front of her and spoke softly noting how flushed and exhausted she appeared. However, it seemed as if his words were meeting an invisible barrier as she withdrew into silence.

“Hey Jim, you left your wallet at mine, thought I’d bring it in….oh Rae”

Archie stopped in his tracks, noticing his friend’s unnatural pallor and slumped posture. Relief flooded through Jim at his boyfriend’s arrival because he was concerned - not only that Rae shouldn’t be working, but underlying the obvious, there was clearly something quite seriously amiss.

Archie traded places with Jim, after kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.

“Rae….you erm…you don’t look too good. You ill?”

She bit her lip and nodded. “Just feel a bit hot and ….” she held her hand up. “I scalded myself by accident this morning as I was half asleep when I was making tea….” She gulped.

“Do you want me to have a look at it?”

She shook her head in shame as she surmised her clumsiness to have been the root cause of the accident.

“Rae, you look exhausted. You been sleeping ok?”

She shook her head, too tired to keep up the pretence.

“Oh Rae.” He hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. “Come on  - please let me have a quick look at your hand.”

Archie gently unwrapped her hand and sucked in his cheeks in a grimace. He then replaced the bandage and looked at Jim who inherently understood.

“Rae I’d like you to take the rest of the weekend off.”

“No, no. I just need a minute, then I’ll be fine.”

“Rae, I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. I appreciate that you want to work but, I’m saying this a friend, you need that hand to be looked at properly and you also need some rest. You’re a bloody hard worker but you’re not superwoman. Please.”

It had taken a significant degree of persuasion, but she had finally been compelled to concede by her inability to stand without feeling faint; something she knew was mainly attributable to the fact that she’d neither eaten nor slept properly in three days. She recalled her mother’s earlier offer and decided to accept sooner rather than later.

She asked Archie if he could drop her at the bus station. But he would not acquiesce without being given a steadfast reason. She was too sleep deprived to formulate anything sufficiently convincing or coherent and so the truth soon slipped out.

She declined his offer to drive her to her mother’s, apprehensive about his work on a substantial project with a tight deadline. However, he had tenaciously phoned his friends at S&N’s to see if either Chop or Mike could do the honours.

Chop had explained that both he and Mike had substantial commissions to complete but Finn only had a single appointment and it was one: “He could damn well afford to miss.”

Archie correctly divined Chop’s oblique reference and delivered Rae to Chop’s having helped her pack a bag. The pair entered the house to the sound of Laura bawling at Finn upstairs.

Rae, ashamed of what she deemed to be the unnecessary fuss she had caused, was looking down at her feet, supporting her injured hand at the wrist; otherwise she would have seen the dismayed look shared by Chop and Archie.

“You’re fucking pathetic you are….you bloody well don’t deserve someone like me - someone as good as me. I put up with a lot of shit from you …you know Finn. You should know that I’m seriously unimpressed with this….with you right now …You can’t get anything right can you…least of all your priorities when it comes to me…..its so sodding simple but….I should have known that you wouldn’t be even capable of thinking it through before …..”

Laura stormed down the stairs, glared at the group of friends before squaring up.

“Don’t you dare stand there in judgement of me, I’ve had that appointment booked for months and now …now he says he’s got to visit his dad today….you all know how hectic my schedule is…it’s not fucking on….tell him I won’t hang around for him for long…..plenty of options for someone like me….”

With that she picked up her bag and slammed the front door behind her.

***********************

The drive had been endured in silence for quite some time given Finn’s inability to utter a word since he set off from the house in a foreboding silence. This unnerved Rae, who was already struggling with the mixture of emotions swirling inside her: shame, empathy for Finn and fear that she’d ruined his day -  all of which were compounded by the overriding sense of exhaustion that closed around her like a thick fog, rendering her powerless to discern with any clarity what she was really feeling.

She felt something slide across the footwell and bump into her trainer as they crossed a roundabout. She reached down and picked up the object to discover that it was a mix tape.  She felt Finn briefly cast a glance in her direction as she fumbled with the cracked box and loaded the cassette into the slot.

As the opening bars of Primal Scream’s Loaded played out, Finn smiled at last, breathing deeply as some of the tension in his shoulders dissipated. He wound down the window and lit a cigarette, drawing deeply, then allowing some of the smoke to curl out of his mouth.

“Don’t look so smug Nelson…..there’s probably lots o’ shit tracks on this.”

“Really? …..Besides how do’you know I made it?”

“I think the pattern on the inner sleeve might just give it away a little.” She smirked pointing to a drawing inside the paper liner of the box.

He blushed and took another drag, apparently focussed on the way the smoke was leaving his lips.

As she put the cassette box back down she knocked her hand against the door handle, causing her to flinch.

“You…you ok Mae? Archer tells me that ya scalded yaself this morning?”

She swallowed, making an obvious show of looking out of the window.

“I didn’t do it on purpose if that’s what you’re asking.” Her tone weary yet blunt.

She heard him exhale sharply.

“I wasn’t asking. But….I erm I….”

“Spit it out then Finn. I know you must be thinking that I ….that I’m some sort of freak.”

The source of those sharply spoken words completely eluded her, as they had not been what she had intended. She clapped her hand over her mouth in delayed horror as if she could somehow rescind her words. He pulled the car over to the side of the road.

She quickly began to grapple with the door catch, such was the strength of her perceived self humiliation. His response constituted a jumbled panic:

“You know I can’t and won’t ever stop you Mae…but I ….please don’t …you …someone…. fuck I thought we were friends.”

She stood up and walked a couple of paces before grabbing onto the side of the car as the blackness of a faint threatened to defeat her. And then she felt him gather her in his arms and slowly support her back to her seat.

“Get your head between your knees….. Now… Mae!”

She could feel the weight of his hand resting on her shoulder and slowly the world returned to something more stable. She detected that she could breathe a little deeper.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Why you asking? As if it’s any of your business.” She grouched.

She looked up to see him doing that thing chewing inside of his mouth but then he dropped to a squat so that their eyes were broadly level.

“I know your hand must hurt but…I think no….I reckon that what just happened wasn’t simply a response ta pain ….I mean I thought ya was going to pass out on me girl. It looks like ….well it happens when I tattoo people and they’ve not eaten…that’s why we always say it’s good ta eat a decent meal beforehand and ….”

“Yeah well Finn it’s hardly as if I need to eat that much…you’ve got eyes haven’t you.” She sniped back.

She heard him draw a deep breath and noticed how he’d stood up and turned away to light another cigarette.

“I can’t…I can’t…” He muttered.

“You can’t what?” She spat out.

The noise of passing cars filled the silence as he remained, back turned to her, one hand holding the cigarette, the other ruffling the hair on the back of his head. She couldn’t fail to identify a change in his posture and found this to deeply unsettle her.

He ground the cigarette butt under his boot, turned to face her and swallowed, his eyes hinting at a subtle determination.

“I can’t stand to hear ya talkin’  ‘bout yaself like that.”

He gazed up at the sky biting his lip and she instinctively knew he was trying to stop tears from falling. Somehow, she fathomed that there was something about her words or the dynamic that had troubled him on a level he was probably yet to explore.

“Mae…We’re stopping at the next cafe….for a brew…..and I’d like to see you eat something.”

She swivelled back into her seat and slammed the door in shock. She had expected him to say more, ask more questions, be more in control; and she couldn’t glean from his words and actions what was actually happening between them. He drove in silence for the next 10 minutes before stopping at a Little Chef Cafe.

He assisted her out of the car, walking her wordlessly inside the cafe and sat her gently at a remote table. He returned bearing a tray of tea and toast. She’d drunk more than half her first cup when he finally found his words.

“I know…I know I’ve no right ta ask but how bad are things Mae?”

She frowned apprehensively unsure of exactly what he was asking and waited for him to elaborate. It soon became apparent that nothing further would be forthcoming from those lips.

“I…I….it’s just I haven’t exactly slept well for…..for a few days….maybe longer…..the thing is…..it’s just…I have …I get these…..”

She broke off, unsure as to how much she should reveal and how much she could continue to conceal.

“I have these horrendous nightmares…….flashbacks”  She whispered. “And I can’t….it’s so hard to sleep……I ….I get really frightened and I forget where.……and I …I’ve been so …..so….”

She shrugged. “And then I just didn’t feel like eating and …..this…this morning I was so tired I split the water for my cup of tea…”

She lifted her eyes from the formica table to catch his: warm, brown and replete with some indecipherable emotion. He deftly picked up her hands in his calloused ones.

“Oh Mae…..” He sighed. “I…..fuck….. I don’t know what ta say.” He reached forward, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear and then allowed his fingers to linger on her jaw.

“Oh girl…..” A frown clouded his beautiful face.  “Perhaps I shouldn’t but I need ta ask…you errr…ya talk to anyone about it?”

She gently shook her head, biting her lip.

“I …there is someone I ….I used to talk to…and I think I should go and talk to him again…..”

He nodded pushing his tongue onto his back teeth and sucking his breath in.

“That’d….actually Mae….I’d feel a lot better if ya….”

He exhaled and leant over the table to kiss her forehead deliberately.

She chewed her lip. “I know I need to…..I just need to make the call….I will from Mum’s I promise.”

Unspoken words and questions in his head prevented the smile from reaching his eyes.

She picked up a piece of toast and began to pick at it. By the time she’d finished two rounds and drunk another cup of tea, she had started to feel more human.

“I’m…I’m sorry if I were…..if I sounded a bit off earlier….or if I were a bit …miserable like.”

She looked up to find him staring intently at, and nibbling on, his cuticles. She raised her eyebrows in a half frown that he could never have seen.

“Laura?”

His head jerked up as if startled. She correctly read the confusion in his eyes as the unusual experience it comprised for him - to even consider the prospect of discussing the effect the relationship was having on him.

“She’s ….she’s ….fuck….I just don’t know Mae……..she sometimes….she makes me feel ….like shit….but ‘s probably all my fault…..I always seem ta get things wrong….I mean it’s not as if I have much ta offer…………”

He looked out of the window chewing his lip restlessly.

“Right we’d better get ya to yer mum’s. Ya might need ta get that hand dressed properly.”

Words spoken, he was immediately on his feet, walking out of the door and yet again smoking. Rae found herself in a most unfamiliar position for she was not afraid of him, but she was afraid for him even though she couldn’t precisely discern why.

Back in the car, she switched the tape back on and guffawed with attitude at the next track.

“This is total and utter shite Finn….I mean Babylon Zoo….really?” She shook her head dramatically. “And you tell me you know your music….honestly!”

His face creased with laughter and she revelled in the way he became increasingly relaxed through the course of the next few songs, even tapping the beat on the steering wheel.

“So Mae….still thinking of going back to teaching?”

“Well, yeah but that’s a long way off yet Finn….I mean I can’t make a frickin’ cup of tea without injuring myself can I?” She laughed.

“You are a little bit clumsy Mae..”

“Who me? Seriously?”

He laughed and nodded. “Yeah…..but it’s good to have a goal, right?”

“What - like getting my Brownie badge for competent tea-making.”

His faced yet again crumpled and she marvelled at the laughter lines around his eyes.

“Obviously Mae….but actually, I was referring to the teacher thing.”

She smiled. “So you going to think about applying for art school again?”

His brow furrowed and his eyes widened. “Yeah right Mae….you need a portfolio for that…and besides you need to be damn good…”

“You are damn good.”

“Ha fucking ha…..even if I were good enough, when would I have the time to complete a portfolio?”

She pulled the tattoo sketches out of her bag and waved them at him. “You trying to tell me that you don’t have hundreds of these.”

“They’re just little sketches.”

“But don’t you realise….. they’re art …”

“They’d laugh me out of the interview.”

“Just think about it Finn.”

************************************************  
Izzy, Chloe, Archie, Mike and Chop arranged to meet at the club on Saturday night, all determined to have some fun. Preparations for the evening had commenced somewhat bizarrely with Laura’s insistence on applying Chloe and Izzy’s make-up. Despite his dislike for Laura, Chop had actively encouraged them, if only for Finn’s sake, suggesting  that they should make the effort if she was.  As a result, both Chloe and Izzy were sporting rather dramatic eyeliner and dark burgundy lips.

Izzy had known it was worthwhile just to have seen the smile on Finn’s face as he came downstairs to find his girlfriend chatting animatedly to his friends. She had even cooked them all a pasta based supper, which she served along with a pot of tea as Finn liked it. Izzy and Chop couldn’t help but note the way Laura obviously showered Finn with affection. She had made a point of all the little gestures of tenderness that were normally only noticeable by their absence.

Chloe had raised her eyes at Laura’s insistence that the couple walk into town separately in order to spend some “quality time” alone, but she never said anything.

The group sat down at their usual table in the club, complete with the jugs of cocktails Chop had decreed were a necessity for it to be an absolutely great, as opposed to simply good, night out.

“Jim not coming then?” Izzy asked.

Archie shook his head. “He’s covering Rae’s shifts.”

A momentary silence marked acknowledgement of their missing friend.

“Where’s Finn then?” Archie asked.

“Out with Laura ….she’s taken him out for change. Probably trying to make up for the dreadful tantrum she had over him driving Rae back to Stamford.” Chop responded.

“Finn took her…I thought you were going to?” Chloe looked at Archie.

“Unfortunately I had a deadline to meet…and I’d already pushed the date back once - because of going to London with Jim.”

“I expect Finn and Laura will be joining us later.” Mike commented.

Izzy raised her eyebrows at him, knowing full well what Laura’s plans were.

“I …I might have encouraged it…..she’s generally better when other people are around.” Mike added softly. The truth was a little too unpalatable to share even between friends.

“You introduced them…Mikey boy.” Chop stated with more than a hint of accusation.

Mike nodded regretfully and grimaced.

“Come on…come on….it’s not our place to speculate on other people’s relationships or point fingers….. We’re here for a good time so ……so who’s up for a boat race game?”

Archie gestured at the cocktails keen to deflect attention, privately vowing that if the relationship continued to decline in the same vain, he, as Finn’s oldest friend, would have to say something. Even if that was at the risk of their friendship.

Two rounds of drinks in, and the group had all relaxed immeasurably. They were dancing in cracking heart to Nirvana; arms around in each other’s shoulders in a large but messy pulsating circle. A group of men bumped into their flank, knocking Chloe off her feet. Ever the gentleman, Mike was first to extend his hand and help her back onto her feet.

“You ok princess?”

She nodded mutely; partially in shock and partially in embarrassment.

“Hey mate -  your bird’s well fit…especially when she’s on the floor.”

Mike turned around anger blazing in his eyes.

“Aren’t you even going to apologise?”

The group laughed in derision. “It was worth it just to see her arse.”

“Just back the fuck off.”  He growled.

Mike steered Chloe off the dance floor, followed by Izzy who glared at the men.

“Can I get you a drink or something princess?”

Chloe smiled thinly, shaking slightly.

“Hey, hey…. you’re ok Chlo. Come here.” Mike encircled her with his strong arms giving her a much needed hug.

“Let’s get you sat down and I think that should be a double right?”

Chloe grinned. Izzy sat next to her on the sofa, speaking soft words of support and consolation, whilst Chop and Archie joined Mike in the lengthy queue for drinks. The girls cast their eyes over the group at the bar.

“You know something Izz…Rae’s bloody lucky…. Mike’s quite the catch.”

Izzy raised her eyebrows. “Yeah…. he is but…but I’m not sure…God knows I’m going to sound like a complete bitch but I’m just not sure of …..of them as a couple.”

“Really Izz? She’s our lovely brilliant and funny friend and he’s well hot and nice to boot.”

“Hmmm” Izzy replied. “It’s just….I don’t know …they’re quite different on some many different levels, Like….like  Mike’s a complete neat freak and Rae….well we both know how messy she can be.”

“Izz…I don’t think that’s anything major to worry about. For god’s sake, I’d be happy to work on my bad habits for a bloke like him.”

Izzy frowned. “But Chlo….do you honestly think Rae’s happy with him?”

Chloe paused. “I don’t think Rae’s …she’s not exactly comfortable with men right now…..” Her tone became harsh and venomous.  “That Liam’s got a fucking lot to answer for.”

“I know…the …the bastard.”

Chloe looked at Izzy properly for the first time during their exchange. “What is it Izz?”

“It’s just…well..even taking everything into account…I still don’t think that Rae and Mike…..I know he’s a lovely genuine bloke but….”

She stopped as she noticed the boys bringing back a tray full of shots. The conversation soon forgotten, as Chop challenged them all to a round of tequila slammers with dares for the slowest “drinker”. They were three rounds in when Finn turned up with Laura.

“It’s Nelson….quick get him a drink…..he’s gotta play catch-up!” Shouted Chop.

“Oi oi….what you lot been up to?”

“The usual” laughed Archie.

Laura went round the table kissing all the boys on both cheeks and then simply smiling at Izzy and Chloe.

“Punk makeup suits you girls, you really should let me do it more often.”

Izzy and Chloe managed to smile graciously, hoping not to look too false. However, Izzy caught Chop pulling faces and she was forced to look at the floor to suppress the giggles that threatened to erupt, knowing exactly what he thought of her “new” look.

Half an hour later, the whole group were back on the dancefloor; Chop, Mike and Finn were leaping around like men possessed laughing with their arms around each other.Laura looked distinctly unimpressed and most put out before she grabbed Finn’s hand with a forced smile.

“Come on my pretty boy….time to dance with me.”

Archie and Chop met each other’s eyes but remained silent as Laura pulled Finn against her and started dancing in a singularly provocative fashion.

**********************************************************  
Mike arrived to collect Rae from her mother’s on the Monday. She introduced him to her mother, as she had done Finn. However, she was somewhat peeved at his acceptance of the proffered refreshments and their journey back was accordingly delayed.

She eventually sank wearily into the car seat, explaining to Mike that she was still extremely tired. She closed her eyes to avoid any attempts at conversation and allowed her mind wander back over the weekend’s events.

Her mother had dressed her scalded hand properly before insisting that she call Kester. The family, including Karim and her sister, had then spent a quiet weekend - almost like a normal family would with walks in the park, baking cookies and doing jigsaw puzzles. Stamford still made Rae exceptionally nervous and she was aware her mother knew something of why, something of what had happened. But for this weekend, at least, she had remained silent on the subject. And for this she was most thankful.

She consciously permitted her thoughts to stray from the immediacy and security of her new life. She had to admit that in some respects she had progressed far better than she ever could have anticipated. She was incredibly grateful for her wonderful friends. She considered Mike briefly, aware of how she lucky was to have met him. Nonetheless, her thoughts were marred by a deep nagging feeling that she was powerless to fathom. The conclusion reached was that her feelings about Mike must have somehow become entwined with those past aberrations she needed to discuss with Kester. So she simply decided to put any thoughts of her relationship with Mike out of her mind for the time being.

The meeting with Kester that morning had been difficult, strained even. After the initial joviality of seeing him again after a gap of some years, the full force of the reason why she was once again sat facing him, had hit her so hard that the ability to speak had deserted her. She stammered and stuttered through several sentence openings without managing to impart anything of real meaning. She had effectively skirted around the subject quite neatly for the full allotted hour. In retrospect, she was glad he’d allowed the session to run over as she’d finally managed to divulge the briefest of summaries of why he had once again become her imperative exigence.

Even allowing for the benefit of hindsight and cognitive distance, she could still not decode the look that had crossed his face at her revelation of past transgressions. However, his tone had undeniably changed and his body language had stiffened. She had left with his mobile number in return for the promise of her attendance at a series of appointments. Their entire session troubled her, yet they had only skimmed the surface of matters she considered unspeakable and it was as yet inconceivable how to progress further.

They had nearly arrived back in town when she finally deigned to open her eyes for the first time during the journey.

“Hello sleepyhead…good snooze?”

She nodded.

“Thanks Mike.”

He half frowned, half smiled.

“Thanks for collecting me…..thanks for……thanks for putting up with me.”

“Anytime petal…. you know I care about you…..deeply care about you.”

She nodded.

“I’ve just been having a really shit time with some old stuff that’s all.”

He struggled to remain looking impassive not wishing her to withdraw, or withhold.

“Whatever you need to do Rae is fine with me. And if there’s anything….anything I can do to help petal…you just have to ask.”

She nodded and a tear rolled down her cheek. He swept it up clumsily with his left hand whilst driving, then kissed his fingers and placed them on her cheek.

As they neared the flat, Rae finally plucked up the courage to enunciate the only important words she intended to divulge.

“Could you, could you speak to Finn for me….I need an appointment…I’ve made my mind up at last.”

A huge grin spread across his face. “Of course sweetheart. You still keeping schtum?”

She winked at him. “Not ‘till it’s finished cheeky. First viewing’s for you of course.”

He smirked a little in return and then she wondered how on earth she should or could facilitate the grand reveal.

****************************************  
It had been a mere three days, and one telephone call to Kester later, when the appointment was confirmed for the following week. As could have been predicted, Kester had urged caution and advised careful consideration was required before taking the plunge. But having listened to Rae’s passionate monologue concerning her motivations and what the tattoo represented, he conceded that perhaps its wasn’t such an ill-considered idea after all; provided that Rae could accept whatever the completed art turned out like, since it would forever be present on her skin.

Rae had thought she would be more nervous than she actually felt. She assumed that Finn had given her a late midweek slot on the basis that these were the least popular and she was paying mates’ rates. She was aware that it happened to be Mike’s day off and, whilst he had offered to be there working in another room should she so desire, she had gathered from his tone that he had actually been relieved when she declined his offer. She concluded he probably wouldn’t know how to react if his girlfriend couldn’t handle the pain and it crossed her mind that he might just find it a bit weird knowing his girlfriend was having someone else ink her.

Neither would understand the real reason for some weeks: Mike due to denial, Rae because she had yet to conceive the notion.

When she entered S&N’s, Chop greeted her joyously and talked her through the entire process again, checking she understood what was to happen and that she’d eaten something. Finally, and somewhat uncomfortably, he’d asked her to sign a disclaimer.

“Still not going to let us know what exactly Finn’s doing for ya?”

She smiled “Well I can tell you it’s number 3.”

Chop shook his head. “What as in the number 3… or the letters T H R E E.”

She laughed knowing he was trying to make her relax.

“Nah you dumbo…..Finn numbered his sketched from 1 to 6 and….it’s number 3.”

“Ah I see. He did 6 final drawings for you, did he?”

She beamed. “All similar but subtly different and well number 3 spoke to me in a way the others didn’t.”

“You sure no3 wasn’t just a cheeky bugger trying to get promoted to 5 or 6?”

“Chop …really…you talk random as duck shite sometimes.”

She laughed realizing one of her mother’s phrases had inadvertently slipped from her lips.

“Random as duck shite? Well if that ain’t random itself, I’ve no idea what is me dear!”

They were still laughing as Finn’s previous customer came through and made his way out. Finn himself followed a couple of minutes later, gazing at his boots, hands tucked in his jeans’ pockets.

“You erm….you been through all the stuff then Chopper?”

“Aye aye captain…..just make sure you look after this one properly Nelson.” Chop responded raising his eyebrow at Finn who glared in response.

Rae followed Finn through to his room and listened as he reeled off what Chop had just explained. He quietly busied himself setting out everything methodically on the work surface. Finally, he turned to her biting his lip.

“Mae…you really sure about this….I need to know not just as your artist …..but….but also as a friend?”

She met his eyes and a small smile formed on her lips. “Definate.”

“OK then….I’ll erm just go out and …”

He wandered out closing the door behind him. Rae removed her jeans and jumped up onto the couch hugging her bare legs against her chest in a protective pose bearing solemn witness to her lack of corporal self-confidence.

He returned staring at the floor for the first few seconds, finally daring to raise his gaze, chewing nervously on his inner cheek. He accurately deciphered her pose and understood that facilitating her relaxation was a prerequisite.

“Right Mae….how’s about some Roses yeah?”

Rae didn’t respond until the first few bars of “I wanna be adored” had filled the room. When she finally lifted her head, she caught him smiling at her. He pulled on his latex gloves purposely twanging them against his wrist causing her to mutter “Dickhead.”

“Oi….who ya callin’ a dickhead Mae?”

He crouched down next to her in attempt to break the tension and defeat any sense of vulnerability that could be associated with their different postures: her sitting and him standing.

She looked at him and couldn’t help but smile. She reached out a finger and bopped him on the nose. “Dickhead.”

“Nah, you’re the dickhead.” He said bopping her nose back, causing her to giggle.

Eye contact was maintained for far longer than strictly necessary, neither quite willing to break away but neither sure of which, if any, words to say.

In the end Finn got up, making a show of cracking his back like an old man before returning with a disposable razor much to Rae’s horror and disbelief.

“Chop explained this right…..I mean it’s  not as if you could rival bigfoot but even the tiniest amount of hair can muck up a tattoo.” He winked.

“Did you just compare me to bigfoot?” Her mouth agape.

He shrugged and failed to suppress a smirk at her muttered “prick”.

He shaved her soft skin with the lightest of touches, humming as he expertly handled the razor.

Shaving complete, Finn placed the tattoo transfer onto her skin, smoothing it down deliberately and methodically. Rae was convinced that he was spending an inordinate amount of time in doing so, constantly double and re-checking it all.

Rae’s gaze was very much drawn to Finn as he worked; setting out the inks and sorting out the machine, completely absorbed in the task in hand, biting his lip.

“Right girl….I’m just going ta put a little ointment over the transfer and we’re ready ta go. How ya feelin’ ?” A warm smile lit up his face.

“OK I s’pose….I mean I wish Mr Perfectionist who’s supposed to be tattooing me would bloody get a move on….the anticipation is killing me.”

“Mr Perfectionist?” he raised his eyebrows and then broke out into a broad grin. “Well ya wouldn’t be too pleased if I got it all skew wiff would ya? Right now…… the first minute or two’s going ta be pretty intense Mae…”

“I can handle the pain.” He tone curt and dark.

The smile disappeared from his face. “I never doubted that…but…but please trust me and try ta take some nice slow deep breaths for me. Right?”

She nodded and shut her eyes, tuning into the music.

Of course, he had been right about the intensity. It constituted a very different type of pain to any she had experienced before, such that she genuinely had to concentrate on staying relaxed for the initial period. Gradually, she became accustomed to the sensation and the tension, inherent in her body, dropped considerably.

She had been so deep in thought and music that his voice had taken a while to break through her trance like state.

“Mae…I’ve done the outlines now….I think ya should have a break.”

“But I….”

“I’m umm…..just going ta change the music right? Any preferences?”

She shook her head when The Smiths started to blast through the studio, then rolled her eyes at Finn, who simply smirked, put on a fresh pair of gloves, (again twanging them for effect) and continued his work. She assimilated every detail unobserved. In particular, reflecting on how the heavily inked muscles of his right arm moved and how his pursed his lips as he worked with intense concentration.

Her eyelids fluttered shut, and for the first time in months, the visions permanently ingrained in her physical being, dissipated, allowing her to properly unwind. Her rapture was only broken by the feel of a hand on her shoulder and his breath in her ear.

“Right Mae I….  I’ve cleaned it up now… .you going to look?” His tone tentative.

His heart leapt to his throat noticing the tears forming in her eyes as she gazed down at the three looped and entwined black bands circling her thigh. The spaces filled with delicate filigree patterns comprised entirely of tiny dots.

“Oh Finn….bloody hell….it’s …….oh god…” she caught her bottom lip with her top teeth and sighed. “ I could never have imagined….”

He had stood up allowing her the space to absorb and acculturate to the change to her body. But she instinctively threw her arms out towards him in a gesture of friendship and thanks, catching him around the waist. He unthinkingly moved towards her, holding her head against his chest with one hand and stroking her back with the other.

And then he stepped back in desperate need of getting a grip on himself, and despite roughly clearing his throat, his voice was a little cracked and uneven.

“Right……ermm….. I need ta put a bit more ointment and a bandage on it. Then I’ll go through aftercare with ya.”

Some ten minutes later a fully clothed Rae knocked on the office door, where Finn had been idly pottering and was now rolling a cigarette.

“Finn?”

He appeared, leaning one arm on the doorframe, his large brown eyes filled with concern.

“Chop forgot to take my payment. Can I give it to you?”

He shook his head. “Nah…it’s on me Mae.”

“But….”

“No buts…we all agreed Chop, Mike and me…so don’t forget to thank them as well.”

She smiled at him. “Thank you and it’s just………it’s so much more than I hoped it would be…..I…” She became choked on her words.

And he was there taking her hand in his. “I’m pleased ya like it Mae.”

“I don’t like it….I love it Finn…..it’s exquisite.”

Afterwards, neither could be sure who had started the embrace, or whether their bodies had simply simultaneous met. Instead of patting her on the back like Finn would normally do if a client reacted like this, he pulled her in tight against his body and pressed his lips to her temple.

“I mean it Finn thank you….there aren’t the words…you don’t know what this means…..after everything….I….oh shit… I wasn’t going to ….”

He pulled back to wipe the tears from her face with his thumb and he allowed his forehead to rest against hers, breathing her in and holding her tight. He shut his eyes momentarily as he unwittingly committed the intimacy to memory. This time it was Rae that stepped away.

“Finn……how did you….how did you come up with the design in the end.”

“That’s a story for another night…..ya really need ta get some sleep…ya body needs ta heal.”

“Where is everyone Finn?” Rae looked around the empty shop front genuinely confused.

“Mae it’s nearly midnight…..they all went home hours ago.” He laughed and couldn’t resist pulling her in for a final hug, dropping a kiss on her hair.

“Shall I walk ya home?”

She shook her head “Nah I’m good though. Thanks.”

This time she kissed him on the cheek and inhaled his musky scent, tinged with sweat. She waved goodbye, watching as he walked off into the back of the shop twisting his earring around.

*****************************  
A week later, Archie was visiting her flat, obligatory 6 pack in hand.

“Fuck’s sake Rae…..you could have let me in quicker, stairwell smells worse than a skunk’s armpit.”

“Right, and you’ve smelt a skunk’s armpit have you?”

He laughed. “How in Caesar’s name do you put up with it?”

She shrugged. “Flat’s cheap, neighbours aren’t too awful…takeaway downstairs….offie down the street….what more could a girl want!”

“So how’s tricks? Chop tells me you had an appointment with Finn last week.” He waggled his eyebrows.

She smirked. “Might have done…..right Archer…time for beer and let’s see if we can find Weezer amongst the infamous Finn’s albums.”

The two passed a jovial couple of hours catching up on life; discussing friends, partners and life in general. Archie tried to talk her through her plans for going back to teaching as best he could given his alcoholic haze.

Rae realised that they had woefully underestimated their appetite for beer and decided that a trip to the off-licence was in order because, in spite of having to get up for work in the morning, there was still too much fun to be had.

“So you and Jim then.” She said trying somewhat unsuccessfully to imitate his earlier eyebrow waggle.

“So me and Jim?” Archie responded pulling his glasses down and raising his eyebrows which only served to make her giggle hysterically.

“Archer….how the cluckity fuck are we supposed to talk ‘bout serious things like lurve when you’re pulling faces like that …… I mean it’s hardly sophisticated is it?”

“Sophisticated……right….this comes from the girl who is drinking a tin of carlsberg and has been trying to flick hula hoops into my mouth for the last 10 minutes.”

“And?” she pouted.

“Alright then luv…” Archie said with possibly the worst Sawth London accent Rae had ever heard. “Jim and me….we’re goin’ schtrawng….and its gettin’ serious.”

“Rickeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

“The fuck Rae?”

“Auditionin’ for East Enders were ya?”

Archie started to laugh finally understanding her reference. But the concept of accent rung a distant yet accessible bell.

“Know something Rae? You’re soundin’ more and more like Finn.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Fuck off.”

The speed and force of her riposte outwitted Archie’s cognition in his inebriated state but they would become something he would come to mull over in days to come.

“Well I ‘spose I spent some hours with him when he was inking my leg.”

“You happy with it?”

“Fuck yes…..Finn is an utter god…..of tattoos I mean…….do’you want ta see it?”

Archie “Course…I showed you mine…it’s only fair.”

“Right then.” She giggled.

Rae proceeded to unzip the fly of her jeans and woefully attempted to step out of them elegantly. For Carlsberg had robbed her any co-ordination that she may have once possessed, and one foot became insidiously trapped in a trouser leg meaning that she up-ended herself into an undignified heap on the floor.

Instead of being mortified, she burst into loud peals of laughter, subsequently setting Archie off.  And, in trying to extricate her trapped foot, the swearing commenced.

“Fuckin’ bollocks me foot’s trapped by my shitty sock…you’ve gotta help me Archer.”

Archie knelt and pulled at the jeans, Rae continuing to curse like a sailor. Suddenly, her foot popped loose causing Rae to fall backwards on her bottom.

Archie was in pieces, he was laughing so hard.

“I’m going to piss myself at this rate Rae.”

“‘s not funny….so not funny.”

“Bloody is……” Archie laughed so hard he hit his head on a table.

“You twat . This isn’t meant to be the drunken clumsy olympics.”

“You do say the funniest things….” He chuckled.  So if my memory serves me right… you were going to show me…”

Rae acknowledged that she may just have been sat in her knickers and jumper but instead of trying to cover up, she shuffled over to her friend, showing him the beautiful intertwined bands on her thigh.

“Oh Rae….. Christ that’s good….just look at the shading …..and these….the contrast between the delicate and the strong…….Jesus he’s a good artist. ……no wonder he was working on the design for so long……I understand what he was trying to do now….such a fusion of styles and the juxtaposition of…”

“Yeah well I have to agree with you…..It’s blown me away…..I mean… I thought it’d be a good but…..and you know something? It was Finn that suggested I have it done here just below these…” she said pointing to her scars. “Because I should be proud of being a survivor and that’s what these are a sign of.”

Archie was filled with pride for his dear friend’s new found confidence but even more so for his best mate’s role in this. His mind couldn’t quite comprehend how Finn could have managed to have, what most evidently must have been a deep conversation, when he currently appeared so withdrawn and monosyllabic.

The evening concluded with the consumption of even more lager and once again Archie was far too plastered to make it home so the pair shared her bed; both only too aware of the inevitable impending hangovers that would make work the following day painful.

****************************************************

Finn was sitting on the tatty sofa yawning for exhaustion threatened to drown him after a ridiculously busy week at the studio. If that hadn’t been sufficient to drain the last of his energy, his attendance at one of Laura’s band’s concerts in London had made Saturday an all-nighter. Not to mention the obligation to finish her latest tattoo, which had been something that had bothered him immensely.

It was not as if he hadn’t tattoo’d all sort of bodies and body parts over his relatively short career. But knowing her as he did; he had to question not only the motive behind the piece, but also why she had insisted on him being the artist even when he’d expressed how uncomfortable he was with the whole project. And now healed, his work was being presented to him in a disconcerting way on occasions too numerous for his liking.

He would never deny that she had been blessed with a great body. A dancer’s body he thought, conscious of all the ballet training she had undertaken when younger. He recalled meeting her parents for first time in their palatial home, filled with pictures of their daughter. Even now he refused to believe that they could be entirely happy with the transformation from grade A, ballet dancing teen to heavily tattooed singer. Then again, he was aware of how much they pandered and worshipped their only child and ascribed a significant part of her enormous self-importance and egotism to that upbringing.

He couldn’t help but compare it to how his father had raised him with such humility and kindness. If he’d been a prick; such as the time he’d been seeing two girls in college, his father’s response would have been a quick and blunt attempt to make him understand the wider implications of his behaviour. He remembered that particular discussion with shame knowing instantly what it had taken him days to conclude back then - that his actions had been a reaction to his grandma’s passing. His father had been insistent on a quick resolution and he had sheepishly gone round to visit both girls, clumsily letting them both down as gently as he could, in full knowledge that he didn’t really want to be with either. That evening, his father had held him in his arms as he’d let out the long suppressed tears.

He looked over to see Chop with Izzy snuggled into his side and he admired the relaxed happy couple. A gnawing feeling started deep within as Laura’s hand slid onto his thigh and he subconsciously tensed, seeking a means of escape. As her hand continued its way north, he shot off the sofa, muttering he needed a smoke, even though he only knew it would prolong what was to come.

He sat on the patio smoking his second roll-up wishing that there was something else in the rizlas. He reasoned that he was being ridiculous and selfish; her words about him being lucky to have such a talented partner echoing in his head. And then he remembered how she had followed those with her usual amplification of his shortcomings in comparison to her achievements. That gnawing sensation clawed its way up his body and into his chest and he recognised he had to face the inevitable -  so he quickly made his way back inside. He reasoned that the sooner it started, the sooner it would be over.

Laura’s cat-that-got-the-cream face as he took her hand and led her upstairs made him feel nauseous. He rapidly blocked it out as he had become accustomed and put some tunes on to enable his mind to wander elsewhere.

“So my pretty boy……you know you may not be good at many things but you’re damn fine with a needle and even you must be aware that this is the one thing you’re really good for.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has all the usually trigger warnings for abuse - mental verbal, physical and the other….. There are flashbacks and OCD, and PTSD and lots of other nastiness.  
> But I think it’s better than the last part. (I intend to continue writing this one through the darkness.) I do hope you find it acceptable.

She rouses from sleep once more in the sanctity of her flat. The place she has come to regard as home. Her eye is drawn to the decks and a smile crosses her face for they represent far more than just a means for a listening to music. They have allowed a part of her, once assumed lost, to not only reestablish itself but to flourish. And for that she is grateful.

She yawns and crosses the short distance to the crates of records to decide what to start the day with. And she wonders if all contained within could really be duplicates from his collection. She’s aware that quite a few represent hard to come by rarities and she’s pretty confident some have never been played and are most probably new, given that they are not first pressings.  A consummately warm feeling suffuses her being but it will be quite some weeks before she can decipher its true significance.

She selects The Cure’s Kiss me Kiss me Kiss me and breathes in the record’s smell as she gently removes it from its dust sleeve and cover. She decides she must be imagining things as she’s sure she can detect the faint scent of cigarettes and musk. She carefully sets the needle on the black ridges and allows the sound to infuse the entire space, which is really far too small to contain the glorious depths from such a quality sound system.

She leaves the bathroom door open and starts her shower. As the warm water falls down onto her skin, she vows to resolve her broken promise about letting her boyfriend see her tattoo. She’s disappointed in herself that he wasn’t the first as she had intended and casts her mind back over the events since that drunken night when, thanks to Carlsberg, she had been sufficiently courageous to exhibit its exquisite beauty to Archie.

*********************************  
She had gone over to Chop’s semi for a girls’-night-in with Izzy and Chloe. Chloe’s flat may have been the obvious choice, but the house was more spacious, and Izzy had ensured that Chop was in the pub, watching the football with Mike. However, it had been Chloe’s night to plan, which is how they had ended up drinking Babycham and eating prawn cocktail vol au vents and twiglets.

“I don’t care if you like this shite Chlo…this is way too 80s…..we’ll be doing make overs with perms and blue eye-shadow next.” She had quipped with an eye-roll.

“Oooooh we could wear neon leg warmers and ra-ra skirts. That would be so cool…..Let’s have a group 80s night out…..please.” Izzy had suggested.

Chloe had laughed. “You two really!…Actually it could be fun…can you imagine the boys?”

“What in legwarmers and ra-ra skirts?”

“Rae! Really!”

“What’s wrong with that…..I am sure Mike would look very fetching a tutu!”

“Oh-mi-god can you imagine Chop with a luminous sweatband!” Izzy giggled.

Several bottles of Babycham later, the trio were singing along in several different keys to Aha’s “Take on me” and attempting an academic dissection of Morten’s arse.

They had broken into a drunken dance around the room, precariously using the table and sofas as podiums, when Izzy’s curiosity had finally got the better of her.

“Oh Rae…you haven’t shown us your new artwork yet. Bet it’s magnificent….Finn was working on a huge pattern for a mate of Chop’s earlier and…..it made me wonder what yours was like.”

“I was supposed to show it to Mike first.” She had blushed.

“Archie’s seen it.” Chloe interrupted. “And we’re your best mates….come on a quick look won’t hurt…”

“I don’t know…I feel bad enough that Archie was first in the queue.”

“You don’t have to Rae but I’d really like to see it.”

“Go on Rae - you know you want to….and then you could make it like a special thing for Mike……you know new undies and all that…I’ll take you shopping……go on…go on…” Chloe’s tone had verged on pleading.

In the end pride of the beautiful design and inebriation had been victorious and she’d pulled her leggings down. Chloe and Izzy bending down to get a closer look at the intricate filigree, had made her resemble an ancient goddess that they were worshipping.

“Bloody hell Rae…this is just ….just incredible.”

“I agree with Chloe…it’s like the most beautiful thing for the most beautiful girl.”

“Aww you two ……..quit with the toadying…you pair of sycophants.”

“Sick-o… what you calling us….?” Chloe had looked confused.

“It means……fuck it…I need a beer I’m not drinking anymore of this shite.” She had responded in attempt at deflecting attention, having struggled with being centre of attention.

They had raided Chop’s fridge coming up trumps with some cans of Stella and all had toasted the joys of ink. She had downed half a can immediately in reckless need.

“And here’s to boys of S&N. Cheers.” Izzy had chinked her can with the others’.

Not to be outdone Chloe had added. “Here’s to the master - Finn Nelson… a god with a needle.”

This time a triumvirate of cans had met haphazardly in tribute.

“You know Rae he spent hours and hours…days even designing that…and he wouldn’t let any of use what he was drawing..”

Her breath had caught. “Well….his drawings were pretty incredible.”

“How many did he do in the end Rae?”

She had blushed. “A few. I’ve still got them at home if you want to see.”

“Finn’s such a nice bloke…….he’s such a great artist……and, and, and he’s a good friend especially to you Rae……you know …. lending you those decks and everything….and to top it all he’s just so dreamy.” Chloe had added with a sigh, making Izzy and Rae share a sniggery smile.

The friends had settled down on the tatty velour sofas to watch a late night film, reluctant for their festivities to end, especially given that the boys still hadn’t returned. In hindsight, none of them could be certain who had dozed off first, or indeed whether any of them had actually been asleep. But they had all stirred at the sound of a familiar, sharp raised voice coming from upstairs.

They had all winced at the cruel words spoken in such an accusatory and unrepentant tone. This had given way to shock as the words disintegrated to taunting.

The three had clung together on the sofa, to fearful to act on their desire to do something. They were paralysed by indecision and were concerned to neither interfere nor aggravate the delicate situation. She had leapt to her feet upon hearing the sound of breaking glass, the screaming near hysterical. A door banged upstairs followed by the sound of heavy even footsteps clunking down the stairs.

“I’m sorry Finn, please….it’s the one thing you’re good at and I was just cross you’d got yourself so drunk you couldn’t…..please Finn.”

The girls had exchanged horrified glances, exceedingly uncomfortable, to the point of being distressed, at having to bear witness to such an intimate scene.

She can still recall the mixture of horrified inertia, anger and empathy that had been evoked as they watched Finn stumble outside, slamming the door awkwardly.

“Oh…oh shit.” She had exclaimed in ire and compassion.

“Shall I go after him?” Chloe had suggested.

Both She and Izzy had shaken their heads.

“I’ll….I’ll …..look we don’t want to make this any worse.” Izzy eyes had filled with tears.

The bile that had been rising into her throat whilst the incident evolved had developed into, and beyond, the point of nausea. Rushing to the toilet to be violently sick had been the sole possible outcome. From her prone position bent over the toilet, she had clearly heard Izzy’s loud “Just Fuck off”, which she now knows was directed at Laura in response to her pitiful attempt to elicit sympathy.

When she had finally returned, pale and shaken, to the lounge, Chop was opening the front door bantering in his usual jolly fashion with Mike. Izzy had assumed the dubious honor of relaying the deplorable ordeal to them. Meanwhile, Laura had vanished, which had probably been a blessing had the look shared by Mike and Chop boded their actions.

“Hey petal, you drunk too much?” Mike had placed his hand on her back, evidently having detected the vomitorium.

She had assented with a nod, rather than explaining what she deduced was the real root cause of her malaise because that would entail implicit acceptance of that which she was ill prepared to acknowledge.

“Can you…can you walk me home? I….” And completely unanticipatedly, she had collapsed sobbing in his arms.

He had opted for a cab, the ride seemingly endless and jolting. He had then supported her up the stairs to her front door, standing awkwardly as she had unlocked it. Something had stirred inside her and she’d clung tightly onto him, pulling him inside with her. Eventually, she had capitulated to fatigue, falling asleep with her head on his lap on the too small sofa; his hand stroking her hair, Simon and Garfunkel softly playing.

At 5am, she had woken confused and stiff. She’d accidentally woken Mike from his uncomfortable and broken slumber when she’d visited the bathroom -  where she had realised that it would be churlish not to, and that they were both fully clothed. So for the first time, they had shared her bed.

Even now she’s still not sure what to make of the whole affair but she’s relieved that Mike had played it safe later that morning and breakfast had been a happy affair. He’d even bought her flowers when he had gone to buy bread and eggs.

**********************************

Rae was fiddling with the curling iron, trying to replicate just how Chloe had showed her to create the soft curls she liked. She was quickly becoming frustrated, her new peach lacey underwear, bought thanks to a double shift at the weekend, was itchy. The zip of the dress was digging in and the shoes pinched. To tell the truth, the slightly over-done make-up also felt alien, but she only had herself to blame. Tonight heralded the long awaited unveil and, rationally, she knew it was normal to be nervous.

She left the flat all afluster due to her tardiness. When she finally arrived, she felt hot and clammy and worst of all uncertain. Those feelings were only compounded when she caught sight of Mike in a crisp white shirt and red braces attached to his dapper navy trousers, a navy trilby atop his head. She felt the eyes of the bistro upon her as he stood up and kissed her on the lips pulling her amorously towards his body.

“Wow petal, you look bloody gorgeous.”

She blushed wondering whether it was the sight of him or her that had drawn attention. Then a thought hit her - what if it was the incongruous pairing that had piqued people’s interest?

Two glasses of wine allowed her to relax enough to enjoy the company but, nonetheless, she couldn’t help but push the food around her plate. She had tuned out during Mike’s witterings about some high-brow opera he wanted to watch because she had been straining to identify a long-forgotten song playing in the background.

He had fed her spoonfuls of a desert she had been too frightened to order, knowing people would be only too quick to correlate her size with her love of pudding. Finally, he had insisted on paying, which had only served to make her even more uneasy.

They stopped and bought a couple of bottles of red wine on their way home. Rae wished she had insisted on beer, knowing full well that she was not overly enamoured with wine. Once in the flat, she prevaricated endlessly about which album to choose. Mike’s calming solution was to switch the radio on and poured them both a glass of the deep hued liquid into the only pair of matching glasses she possessed.

She necked hers in her agitation, causing his face to crumple.

“Steady on petal…..”

“I’ll drink what I like thank you.”

“I didn’t mean….” He trailed off frowning.

“I know you didn’t …” Her tone conciliatory. “It’s just….it’s just….I.”

“What is it? “ He took her free hand in his and started to stroke the back with his fingers.

“I….I’m really nervous.”

Confusion had filled his face for a couple of seconds before his eyes had opened wide.

“Oh no…no sweetheart…..we said only when you’re ready…just because we’ve had dinner…it doesn’t mean…and I don’t want …I mean you shouldn’t be nervous.”

Nerves were evident in his softly spoken affirmation. Concern and hurt were written on his face, believing her disquiet to bely her judgement of his character and desires.

Her face fell. “But….I only wanted to…”

She had to do it now, otherwise her nerve would fail her. She quickly bent down, unstrapped and removed her shoes, then unceremoniously pulled her leggings down to his disbelief. She took a couple of shuddering breaths.

“Right so…. erm……this is …..this is my tattoo.”  She said raising the hem of her dress high on one side.

“Oh….may I?” He replied bending down to inspect the artwork.

“Be my guest.” She swallowed. “It’s ok if you …if you want to touch.”

She gazed straight ahead, waiting for the inevitable feeling of fingertips against her soft thigh, which never materialised.

“Christ. Nelson’s sodding outdone himself this time. Told you he was good.” Platonic admiration thick in his voice.

“Yeah.” She smiled finally allowing some of the tension to loosen in her shoulders.

Then she glanced down to see his furrowed brow and the instinct to flee gathered strength within her, knowing full well the source of his trepidation. Her chest was beginning to constrict painfully when he finally dared to speak.

“Petal….” He  paused. “Rae…” He stood up.

Her sweaty fingers dropped the hem of her dress and her eyes darted around the the room in a desperate attempt to avoid his.

“Petal.” She felt his hand close around hers.

“How did…..”

For some inexplicable reason, she felt animosity surging within her and struggled to contain it as her blunt words spilled forth.

“It was me. I did them. Ok? Me with a knife.”

His mouth fell open and he reminded Rae of a goldfish as his lips moved as if he were about to say something but no sound actually came out. Suddenly he drew her into his arms.

“Oh petal…..it’s ok. It’s fine.”

Rae felt like something was lodged in her chest and she stood utterly inert in his arms, hers pressed uncomfortably at her side.

“I…..I need a drink.” She stuttered and fled to the wine bottle. Her strongest desire was to pour the nectar straight from the bottle down her throat but a modicum of decorum came over her and she managed to decant it sloppily into a glass which she proceeded to down.

“Rae….sweetheart….I can’t …I can’t begin to understand but I’m here for you ….please.”

He removed the glass gently from her hand, placing it back on the worktop.

“There is nothing to be embarrassed about. They’re just scars and I’ve seen plenty in my time at work.”

As distant memory of similar words that had previously been tenderly spoken to her unfolded and the coiled mass inside her began to slowly unwind.

She allowed him to gather her into an embrace. A few minutes later, she decided against resisting his kiss. His arms wrapped her tighter as his kiss became more passionate. As his hands slipped to her bottom, something felt incontrovertibly awry,yet it was not fear at that moment. So, she endeavoured to depress the nagging feeling through taking a more active role, mirroring him and letting her hands slip to his bottom. She grasped it firmly causing him to moan into the kiss. His hands travelled up to her waist and caressed her sides, something she found to be pleasantly tolerable so she ran her fingers up his spine in response.The journey of his hands up to her breasts was anticipated.

The kiss became more insistent with his body pressed hard against hers as his right hand slithered down the front of her dress and the left hand on her bottom pressed her firmly against him. And that’s when she felt him again, and the twisting in her gut rekindled. But this time, she was determined to ride it out, to defy it with the logic that he was her kind, exceedingly good-looking boyfriend and this was what normal couples did.

But struggle though she might, the feeling would not be calmed, let alone defeated, and she had to pull away violently leaving him reeling as she rushed to her bedroom and firmly grasped the windowsill. Staring aimlessly out into the harsh lamplit glow of the night, she tried to take deep breaths to steady herself. She heard his footsteps and felt his hands on her shoulders, which forced the pent up emotion out of her in a fiery rush.

“No…please don’t touch me…not in here..” She exclaimed shaking his hands off her.

She felt more than heard him freeze behind her, and she knew, before he had even spoken, that she had unintentionally divulged something that she was as yet unready to impart.

“Oh Jesus….I…oh fuck.”

She tried to zone in on her breathing and concentrate on the need to stay calm.

“Petal…petal….shit… I am really sorry…I am so sorry if I made you feel……..oh….oh  fuck.”

His words seemed to have already developed into a well worn mantra and her heart sunk appreciating that he was in no way at fault. The swept-over feelings of self disgust very quickly ascended to the fore and she forced herself to turn and look at him. His tears only provided further affirmation of her self-perception and she hung her head.

Her right hand started to claw at the skin of her left arm of its own accord without conscious direction. She understood his intention in stepping towards her but it only made her shake and she uttered in a faltering voice: “Don’t”,  which only served to perpetuate the stand off between them. (With hindsight, she would wonder how the scene would have concluded had it not been for the inimitable strains of “Made of Stone” blasting forth from the radio and seeping slowly through her entire being.)

She turned her back to him, composing herself before spinning around to face her outburst head on.

“Oh Mike, I am sorry….I truely am. I just can’t seem to be able to….to get through …it’s like there’s all these things, memories holding me back and ….”

She sighed. “I am just a shit girlfriend……you are so lovely and sweet and kind and ….and I wanted you to ….but me….I’m a mess.”

Hot tears of shame pricked her eyes as she felt him take her hand in his. But he chose not to close the gap between them and remained at a respectful distance.

“Petal, it’s ok. You don’t owe me an explanation. But….well I wonder…”

The air was thick with anxiety over the words he had yet to voice, both their bodies tense, hearts racing. She squeezed his hand, a couple of tears falling , bracing herself for the inevitable gentle let down.

When it wasn’t immediately forthcoming she felt compelled to ask. “What is it Mike?”

“Well maybe….maybe it’s me and not you…..maybe you just don’t feel the same…”

“No no.” She interjected trying to sound as firm as possible.

It would only be weeks later when she could come to comprehend the insight of his words.

“It’s me….honestly….it’s just I have had…..he..he…he….he used to…”

She stopped, physically incapable of continuing, though the words and grotesque images still ran through her head. She felt a tremor in his hand and it was his turn to take deep breaths.

“You …you are still talking to that…that bloke you go and see? I get that you can’t talk to me about it but I….I hate to think of you carrying this alone.”

She bit her lip and nodded. “I’m trying to…..it’s just very hard.”

Whilst they only stood in uncomfortable silence for a couple of short minutes, it seemed like an inordinate amount of time.

“Shall I make us a cup of tea? You know Finn’s mantra in life is that tea makes everything alright.”

She smiled but never acknowledged the warmth that permeated her ever so slowly.

They sat, hands wrapped around hot cups of tea, on the sofa - like old friends staring at some black and white movie that was par for the course for late night BBC2. He hesitantly dared drape an arm around her shoulders and she settled her head against his shoulder. This seemingly insignificant gesture bought her courage.

“So…so where does this leave us?”

“I….I’m not sure I follow petal?”

“You know….I’m assuming you..you’ve probably had..”

“No” he cut in. “Not at all. But it’s down to you sweetheart. I like spending time with you - you’re beautiful and funny and probably way too cool for me. “ He chuckled. “The physical stuff… it will either follow or it won’t. You can’t put a deadline on that Rae…..I hope one day you’ll want..” He trailed off nervous as to her reaction.

“It’s not that I don’t want……maybe….maybe it’s just too soon. Thing is - you’re bloody fit Mike and you could have nearly any girl you want so I just don’t think….I don’t think it’s fair that you’re stuck with someone like me…”

“Oh no no no. No Petal. I’m not stuck. It’s my choice……you see..” He stated taking a deep breath, “I really like you and I …I’m proud you’re my girlfriend …I don’t want that to change but at the same time, I don’t want you feeling like we have to……have to have sex to be in relationship.”

Palpable silence ensued as she digested his words and then considered why, up until now, she’d thought considered it to have been a necessity, essential to the well-being of all relationships at all times.

“Oh.” Escaped her mouth, and impulsively, she turned her head and kissed him firmly on the lips. Her tongue slid between his lips and she deepened the kiss causing him to flush.

“So I er take it …..I take it this works for you then.” He grinned.

*************************************************

Rae meandered through town following her arduous shift. Her group of friends was probably already making its presence felt in the club. She enjoyed the time walking afforded her to think. The last few days had been punctuated by various rounds of discussions with the girls  on life and relationships and a hurried trip back to Stamford for a session with Kester (thanks to Chop “needing” to visit his mum).

They had dissected the dreadful overheard row from their last girls’ night in at length and she had initially been relieved to hear that Finn had gone to stay with Archie for a couple of nights whilst Laura had returned to London. However, this slim consolation was soon replaced by bewilderment as the tale of how he had then gone to join her in London had been regaled.

She gathered her resolve as she entered the club, for she assured herself that tonight was going to be fun. As she wandered in she noticed how many posters covered the walls, their crude artwork hailing the latest local rising stars and she realised how long it had been since she’d been to a gig. She vowed that this was something that must be rectified as soon as possible.

Her eye was caught by Chop standing on the back of one of the sofas, bottle of spirits in hand, proclaiming something aloud to the group and she couldn’t help but laugh. Izzy and Chloe were looking on, whooping and holding something aloft. As she got closer she saw Archie, Jim and Mike were also holding out the same small items - shot glasses. She didn’t even notice Finn until she neared the table - he was slumped in a corner looking disinterested, and, for some reason this irritated her.

“Chopper ….”

“Yes my dear….”

“Room for one more?”

“For you my dear…always.”

With that he fumbled in his back pocket and tossed her a shot glass as she plonked herself down next to Chloe. The barman joined them, armed with a tray of lime slices and two salt shakers. He looked at her and winked.

“Snakebite and black madam?”

“Yeah why not…..”

“Fuckin’ hell Rae you have the bar staff eating out of your hand.”

“So do you Chopper by the looks of it.”

“Only ‘cos I bought two bottles of tequila……right people….let’s go.”

Three rounds of tequila down, Archie led the way onto the dancefloor with Chop still cradling his precious but near empty bottle. They danced for a few tracks including the Beastie Boys - Fight for Your Right  absolutely bursting with alcohol fuelled energy. Then, all too soon, they were following Chop back to the sofas, where Finn resided. Boots on the table, nursing a pint and smoking a roll-up, he paid no heed to their arrival, instead continuing to gaze into the bottom of his glass, as if the answer to humanity could be discovered there. Rae’s smile faded a little. She contemplated sitting next to him but found herself pulled onto Mike’s lap. Chop nodded towards the barman.

“Right peoples who’s up for some more tequila!”

The group produced plenty of cheers but Chloe groaned.

“Aww Chop…can’t we have bacardi instead?”

“Who do’you think I am captain fuckin’ off-licence.”

“Just pour Chop-stick….for fuck’s sake…you knobhead.” Finn groaned.

“Finn….that wasn’t very nice.” Izzy looked more than a little cross.

“Izz.” Chop glared at her.

“No Izz is is right. Sorry……..I’m going to buy more baccy.” Finn wandered off; head hanging low.

“Bollocks….”

“Why you always sticking up for him Chop?”

Rae noticed Chop’s pleading glare at Mike, who quickly removed her from his lap and grabbed the bottle pouring out drinks as Chop took Izzy to one side.  She was distracted by her glass being filled and they performed the all too familiar ritual: licking their hands pouring the salt on their hands wedging the lime in place and downing the liquor followed by sucking on the lime.

As Mike poured yet another round she glanced over at Chop and saw Izzy’s eyes blow wide; hand over her mouth in shock. Chop was talking to the floor, grimace replacing his customary smile. She realised something distressing had occurred and, instinctively, her feet wanted to follow Finn but she couldn’t bear to exacerbate what was already turning out to an awkward evening.

They were all shortly restored to their favourite position in the middle of the dancefloor. Tiredness was creeping over Rae but she was determined to stay, which was partially influenced by the state Chloe was now in. She was wobbling over the dance floor and clinging onto her friends’ arms for support.

They were still dancing some 10 minutes later when the beat of the music dropped pace. Chop took Izzy in his arms and Archie and Jim linked hands, still nervous of how the public would react to them. Rae noticed Chloe being scooped into some man’s embrace as she felt Mike encircle her with his arms, and she automatically tensed. Something felt inherently amiss. Recalling the only too recent events in her flat, she pulled back from him terrified of the risk of a public scene.

“Petal?”

“I…I…” She pulled him off the dancefloor.

“I’m knackered Mike and I…I need to go home.”

“Not a problem. Shall we get a taxi?”

She shook her head. “Mike….I need you do something for me.”

He frowned. “Anything ….baby.”

“It’s Chlo….Please can you make sure she gets home safely….she really shouldn’t be out in this sort of state on her own…….and…” She sighed and whispered in his ear: “Please don’t say anything but ….she had a terrible time with a guy back in college….she’s really vulnerable right now…..I trust you to look after her….please.”

“But you’ve also been drinking.”

“Yeah but I started a couple of hours after you lot. Trust me, she needs me far more than you.”

Mike sighed. “Ok….you know best petal…I love….the way you’re always looking out for others.”

She breathed a sigh of relief on more than one count; not only could she go home safe in the knowledge that her friend would not be taken advantage of, but also about how he had ended his sentence.

She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.

“Mike you’re a star. I’ll call you.” She made her way over to the sofas.

As she was picking up her jacket, she observed Mike tap the guy dancing with Chloe on the shoulder and start dancing with her friend. He was practically holding her upright and she understood that she had made the right decision, and smiled in the knowledge of what a good job he would do. The possibility of jealousy never even crossed her mind.

****************************

As she left the club, she was so absorbed in her self disappointment at her inability to dance with Mike in public that she didn’t notice the familiar figure; back pressed against the wall, blowing a trail of smoke up into the cool night air. She practically stumbled over his feet.

“Sorry….Fuck’s sake. I’m so pissing clumsy.” She muttered to herself.

“Mae?”

She looked up to be met by his warm brown eyes and furrowed brow.

“Finn?”

“You…you ok?”

“Yeah….just …just walkin’ home.”

“Oh right.” He swallowed and continued his detailed observation of his own smoking ritual.

Something deep within her took hold: “Finn you look like you need a cup of tea.”

And for the first time that evening she saw his lips twitch into a crooked smile.

“Aye…. tea….that’d be good.”

“Well…do you know anywhere near by? I’m cream crackered.”

He bit his lip then shook his head. “Nah….but…well suppose we could make use of facilities at S&N’s….if ya don’t mind.”

She raised her eyebrows at him and scrunched her nose. “Alright then.”

They had only just made it through the creaky door when she couldn’t suppress the potent question anymore.

“Finn I don’t mean to pry or anythin’ but are you ok? I mean …properly ok….it’s just you didn’t seem to be yourself tonight.”

“Tea yeah?” He wandered towards the office switching lights on as he went.

She followed and watched as he filled and put the kettle on.

“Finn?”

He busied himself finding mugs and tea bags and remained mute. She sighed, as although she had expected him to be a reluctant conversationalist, she really hadn’t expected him to remain such a closed book. And then it came to her. She looked around trying to remember if she’d ever actually seen it as opposed to heard it.

She found it behind a pile of a books and nervously pressed play, surprised when Blur came blaring out of the judiciously positioned speakers.

“Please tell me you’ve not been playing this on loop…..”

He turned slightly flushed. “Erm….. the others like to listen to the radio.” He said with a shrug.

“Finn Nelson do you have a thing for Damon Albarn then?”

“Fuck off.” He grouched.

She laughed. “Evidence says otherwise.”

“Mae you really can be the most irritating…….”

“Me irritating? What about you - you’ve been such a sullen grumpy pants all evening.”

She saw his face instantly fall and watched as he pushed his tongue into the back of his mouth and looked around the room as if searching for the magic response or the confidence to vocalise it.

“What is it Finn?”

“…’s nothing….really.” He gazed at his boots taking a couple of juddering breaths.

And that’s when she realised he had been trying to prevent tears from being shed.

“I would always listen.”

****************

She sees raw vulnerability written all over him as he stares focussed into the distance, chewing on his lip like a lost child, and picking at his cuticles.

“Right Mae….tea coming up.” He breaks his open posture.

She rolls her eyes before remembering that their roles had once been reversed and she comprehends he was not to be pushed.

They drink their steaming mugs of tea in silence, each sneaking the odd glance before he finally discards his battered leather jacket on the desk and lights another cigarette. Her mouth opens slightly as she takes in his form in a simple white t-shirt and jeans, and her eyes are once again drawn to the elaborate artwork on his arms. Her fingers twitch, longing to once again trace the ornate patterns.

“So …why did ya leave the club early?” He meets her eyes and she notes the way he has folded his arms in front of his chest.

“I…..I was tired.” She bites her lip at this untruth embarrassed by its obviousness.

“Right…which is why we’re having tea at this time of night.”

“Piss off. I was tired.” She grumbles not bothering to conceal the resentment in her tone.

“You could be a bit more inventive Mae.”

“Piss off Finn. How dare you!”

She intentionally slams her cup down with a hard thud on the messy desk; picking up her coat and making for the door in one sweeping movement.

She’s nearly out of the front door when she hears his quiet cracked voice.

“I… ..I’m strugglin’ with ….with Laura if you must know….she….she…..we sort of had a serious row in London…..you know shoutin’ and screamin’ and her throwin’ stuff… that sort o’thing……and I..I don’t know…..”

She stops and swallows wondering how aware he is of what she had seen that night at Chop’s. Her mind conjures up those images at its own volition and projects them onto an imaginary setting in London.

“I’m a grumpy twat when I’m….I’m…..I’m hurt…and… that’s all.”

She almost runs to close the distance between them, throwing her arms a little carelessly around his neck, and feels his arms close around her waist in response. She instinctually strokes his back softly with her hand and then recognises that he’s a little embarrassed when he starts to rock her a little from side to side in time with the music putting a little distance between them.

“So Mae….” He whispers, his voice still hoarse.

She knows what he’s asking and the words, liberated by his humble yet potentially dark confession, just tumble forth from her mouth.

“I am a bit tired..I mean that’s true…but it were…it were the dancing……I so wanted to dance with Mike ……but well….it’s just after when I flipped out in my flat……I ….god I am so embarrassed….and I know I’m so lucky to be with him…. but he’s ….I mean who wants to be with a partner who’s scared of dancing with them….in case well..…..stupid I know.”

She hears him draw a deep breath and observes him opening his mouth, but there’s a noticeable pause before any words make their way out.

“You …..ya’re scared of dancing Mae….. I take it you mean couples sort of dancin’?”

She nods, feeling a couple of hot tears of humiliation breaking free from her stinging eyes and running down her cheeks.

She’s looking at the floor so doesn’t immediately see what his movements mean. Then his rough thumbs are smoothing down the tracks of her tears pausing near her jawline.

“Oh Mae.” He whispers; his breath against her cheek. “Mae.” And she feels his warm, slightly chapped lips against her forehead. Then she’s firmly secured in his arms once more and all the troublesome heinous thoughts seem to leave her mind as a deep sense of calm permeates her very being and her eyelids flutter shut. She has no idea how long her head has been resting against his shoulder when she finally hears his voice again.

His tone is different this time - she can detect a self-assuredness that had been previously absent, as well as a composure that reminds her of his “professional” talk, but there’s also something else there. And try as she might, she cannot place this unknown.

“Mae - we’re friends right? How about…..how about you and me …we try dancing…… I don’t mind if you  …if you need to freak out or whatever….it won’t matter right…..there should be no embarrassment between friends…..”

“I…I don’t know. “ She stutters unsure of what to make of this unforeseen offer.

“I’m not that shite a dancer….well I like to think not anyway….ya might think differently though madam….and …..and ya just need ta tell me the second it gets too much…..right?

She feels the gentle increase in pressure of his hands on her back, whilst his body remains absolutely still.

“Ok…ok then….show me ya moves Nelson.”

He pulls back and starts pulling the most ridiculous shapes she’s ever seen in time to Blur’s Song 2. He’s raising his eyebrows at her suggestively and then winks.

“That’s ….that’s erm…interesting.”

He snorts at her attempt at a deadpan face and can’t help but allow a cheeky grin cross his features. She’s still rolling her eyes dramatically when she realises he’s fumbling in one of the desk drawers for some long forgotten item.

“Aha….. thought I still had you..you little bugger.”

She frowns and crumples up her nose as he glances up at her. His finger bops her on the nose.

“My mix tapes aren’t that bad ….”

“Yeah right….what aural pleasures await me on that “bugger”….. “Two become one” perhaps…no let me have another guess …Jason Donovan?”

The slight raise of his eyebrows and sly grin hint at something and she wonders what on earth’s in store.

As the first notes of Percy Sledge’s Dark End of the Street sound out, she catches his gleaming eyes, finding a serious expression on his face.

He beckons her towards him with a nod, and holds out his palms towards her. Nervously, she places her fingers on his and feels his fingers interlacing hers. He lifts their joined hands up to chest height and jovially moves them from side to side maintaining a respectful distance from her. A quick burst of laughter escapes her lips but doesn’t last as he moves closer to her and she notices he’s biting the inside of his cheek but is intently gazing at his boots.

Their eyes finally meet. She finds his warm, brown, compassionate yet utterly unreadable. She takes the smallest of steps forward and mirrors his swaying body. His expressive mouth, with its full lips, mimes the words to the tune, mesmerising her. Her lips begin to echo his and she feels the tension inherent in his body dissolve. His eyes drift to a close, yet his silent song continues.

“They’re going to find us someday….you and me, at the dark end of the street.”

Her eyes never leave his beautiful face as she assimilates his dark thick eyebrows, the ever so slight creases at the corners of his eyes, the gentle smattering of freckles, the jawline with its covering of dark stubble and those lips. Her breath catches in her throat and unthinkingly she moves forward so that their hands are pressed tight in between their chests. And she feels rather than sees him take a deeper breath and something deep within is kindled.

The vulnerable soulful delivery of the vocal touches her too the core and she sighs breathing out some of the deep tangled emotions elicited by the music. For the very first time, she sees him laid bare with no pretentions or defence and she has to stop herself from reaching out to touch his face or run her hand through his unruly hair. And then ever so softly his mellow tone tacitly reaches her ears.

“Oh darling please don’t cry….tonight we’ll meet.” The words almost disappear as he swallows.

And she wonders if he too felt the tears that the music could have made her shed.

A fleeting moment of uncertainty passes as the track fades off to be followed by Otis Redding’s “These arms of mine.”

He drops her hands caressing them softly with his fingers before he wraps his arms around her waist knowing that even the smallest distance between them is too great for him to bear. He has to remind himself to keep breathing as she places her arms gently around his neck, no distance remaining between their bodies. He feels the merest flicker of a slow burning flame, that in time time will come to consume him.

She sighs as her eyelids flutter shut as she unreservedly surrenders to the music, to his arms. Their bodies sway gently as one. She feels his breath shorten in his chest. She presses her cheek against his just to be that little bit closer and he responds tightening his embrace. Every breath taken is sensed by both of them and for the first time since she can remember she feels completely and unreservedly at peace as the world ceases to exist beyond their form.

His hand tangles unintentionally in her hair. His lips tenderly replace his fingers as he entirely surrenders control of his body and mind to instinct.

Neither falter as Ben E King’s “Stand by Me” replaces Otis’ sweet tones. His body seems to involuntarily increase the pace of his undulating motion, their hips locking. One of his hands releases its tight hold and begins to stroke her hair with an ardour that leaves her breathless. The depth of the backing vocals reverberates through her chest which heaves with the sudden necessity of a deep breath.

A slight tremor runs through his body and she perceives, as opposed to views, the way he is scrunching his eyes and biting his lip. His sway develops into a languid roll as his pelvis pushes into hers. She breathes his musky scent deep into her lungs to counteract the weakness she’s feeling in her limbs but it just leaves her increasingly light headed. Her capitulation to his divine rhythm is absolute and unconditional and a soundless moan escapes her lips.

A deep feeling builds with a flourishing intensity throughout his being as their melding bodies precipitate a burning sensitivity that he had never known even existed. The elevation of his senses is so acute that as the first strains of Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game fill the room, a moan is elicited from his lips.

The roll of his pelvis becomes more pronounced and he tilts her slightly backwards with each pass. She feels his stubble pressing against her cheek and her fingers find his hair, her mind no longer capable of rational thought. She feels his lips touching her cheek,his breath inciting her to an almost mystical level of devotion, and unconsciously, her hand reaches round to his other cheek. Her fingers delight in the rough texture.  She could swear that she could feel the contours of his hard chest pressed so firmly against hers soft and full.

Her eyelids flutter open of their own accord and she glimpses the tensed muscles of his heavily tattooed bicep and she pulls her upper body back to drop her hands and run them up and back down his arms. A nascent tingle buds from her very core and she lifts her eyes.

His eyes comprise two dark pools, his lips swollen and pouting, as he wordlessly meets her gaze. The tenderness she finds is tempered by a passion that borders on the spiritual. As she nestles her head back against his, the tempo of his hips increases gradually and she matches him as a searing ardor encompasses her.

The words of the song, slowly seep into her brain as he mouths them:

“What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.  
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you……..

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.  
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.  
I never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you.  
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you”

His body swings with hers. Yet he is still compelled to pull her just that little bit closer as a hitherto undiscovered fervor suffuses his entire being and he’s not sure where he stops and she starts. The slow fire ignites low in his belly and the heat radiates throughout his body. Although his mind understands the implications of this he somehow cannot bear to break their union.

She feels his body completely hard against hers now. The flight instinct has long left her such she revels in the moment and a low growl falls from his lips as she tilts her pelvis firmly against it. This phenomenon only her sends her further towards oblivion. From the way his lips brush her cheek and his chest rises with each of his jagged inhalations she senses that perhaps theirs is a shared nirvana.

Their trance continues for the first couple of minutes after the song ends and another starts. But then he suddenly pulls back as if the fire of their dance had burnt him. He’s taken two shaking large paces back when her distraught expression finally infiltrates his confused mind.

He purses his lips and takes a step forward to grasp her hands in his lest she should run.

“Mae.” He bites his lip in a crooked smile.

“I….I hope that er…..ya know…..helps….” He trails off realising how ridiculous and insincere his words seem and how insignificant in light of what came to pass.

“Thanks.” she mumbles falteringly….”Actually ya can really dance.” She added still breathless, eyes still slightly glassy.

“So can you girl.” And then he’s truly aware of it; and an inescapable flush spreads over his cheeks and down his neck.

“Errr….you…you’re a little too good Mae.” He mumbles casting his eyes down his body, to the source of his consternation, and biting his lip.

He finds the rosy blush that colours her cheeks adorable and he has to remind himself of the semantics of the situation.

“I…I er I err…..I’ll umm just go to the bathroom.”

His stuttering utterance complete finished, he turns his back and berates himself for his clumsy and ill-conceived words but his mind is still so numbed by the exquisite emotions raised that he trips over his own feet emitting a loud “fuck” as he stumbles and grabs the wall.

She giggles at his ungainly departure and then reality bites her. They are friends, pure and simple: friends. What had come to pass was simply one friend helping another out with a difficult situation: nothing more nothing less. Nerves overcome her and she hastily grabs a pencil scribbles a note and takes her jacket.

As she’s walking home through the dark drizzly streets, the embers in her belly make their presence felt once more and confusion comes to reign in her mind. There had been something between them, something she couldn’t name, different to a friendship yet neither straightforward lust. She becomes very unsettled by not being able to define this connection but is comforted in her conviction that he must have experienced something too.

*************************  
He’s not surprised to find her gone and curses his wretched body for a minute before it comes to him that she hadn’t freaked out or even tensed up. He’s utterly helpless to decipher the extraordinary amalgam of emotions that his mind has dissolved into and opts for his usual comfort by lighting a cigarette.

He wanders into his studio, kicks off his boots and jumps up on the couch knowing he’ll have to clean up in the morning. He folds an arm behind his head and stretches his body languorously, taking a drag, letting some of the smoke escape his lips before sucking it in deeply. He watches the trail of smoke he exhales into the air and his mind turns back of its own accord and his senses are once again overwhelmed.

He lets out a loan groan at the fire his thoughts have re-ignited and wriggles in an attempt to get comfortable in his jeans. He tries in vain to think about something pedestrian, mundane, boring even but his feelings are so acute that he cannot suppress them. He sighs knowing he’s not going to relieve his tension because for the first time in his life, he considers it somehow inappropriately sordid and he has to fight to keep his hand from straying down.

He takes another deep drag on the cigarette and decides not to head home but to work on the drawings for a complex piece of art for one of his most interesting customers. He leaps to his feet and switches the kettle on. It’s got to be coffee if he’s going to stay awake and he lights up yet again for good measure. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not happy with this as it’s overly verbose. An extra part (10) has been written delaying the inevitable Chapter 11 to 12…. Hummm  
> This has all the usually trigger warnings for abuse - mental verbal, physical and the other….. There are flashbacks and OCD, and PTSD and lots of other nastiness.

She sighs as Blur’s “Tender” blares out from the radio; its sound cheap and tinny in comparison to the smooth, rich, deep tones delivered by the solid pioneer amp with its fake wood veneer and dated buttons. A sardonic smile crosses her face - the Nelson men certainly loved their music and evidently knew how best to enjoy it.

 

She tapped the top of a can of cider, (which had been on special offer making it a no-brainer), in a move reminiscent of Finn’s beer opening ritual, which she had witnessed on the day the decks were installed. She smiles at the recollection, her mind wandering off of its own accord back to that dance. A peculiar sensation reawakes, and starts coursing through her veins once more. She tries to shake it off, picking up the cider and gulping it back, dancing along to the song.

 

Even after drinking the second can, the feeling has yet to settle, and she begins to muse whether the embers of the fire that she had felt when dancing have, in fact, never died out. She cautions herself about over-analysing its source or questioning its very existence because it’s been absent so long that she had forgotten its phenomenon.

 

She persists in trying to calm it by switching the music to Oasis but her head only fills with visions of Noel Gallagher, and then of him lying on her floor with the exquisite artwork on his glorious arms. She strives to mitigate the growing tension inside her by opening another can of cider and playing Bowie, But her attempts remain futile, which leads her to ponder whether it would be wrong to…

 

“Fuck it.”

 

She plonks the can down and starts to run a warm shower. She slowly takes her clothes off casting glances down at her body. For the first time, in as long as she can remember, self-disgust is not the first emotion to push to the fore. The intricate black ink on her thigh draws her eye and she reaches down to trace its patterns. It imbues such strength and confidence that her breath catches in her her throat and she enters the shower with the fire’s heat growing.

 

*************************************************

Much to Rae’s dismay, Chloe had decided that their girls’ afternoon out would consist of swimming in their local pool followed by tea and cake. Feeling more comfortable in her own skin was one thing, being next to naked in a public space presented an entirely different challenge; one she was uncertain that she was ready to face. She arrived outside the leisure centre with a distinct scowl marring her face.

 

“Oh come on Rae….it’s not that bad….it’s only swimming.” Chloe stated.

 

“I do love swimming…..it’s going to be so much fun.” Piped up Izzy with a smile that lifted the glower from her friend’s face.

 

“Couldn’t I just watch…..I ..I don’t feel much like getting in the water.”

 

“For god’s sake Rae. Just join in….besides if you’re watching from the gallery you won’t be able to get a good look at the cute lifeguard I met last week.”

 

Rae responded with her ubiquitous eyeroll and groan as she was dragged inside by Izzy. Once in the changing rooms, she examined the suit her mother had given her when she’d dropped in, after a recent visit to Kester. She hadn’t been able to stay long as the busses only afforded the tightest of windows by the time she’d made her way back to her family home.

 

The swimsuit was, well, she considered there weren’t really the words for this …this delight. In it’s favour was that it was mainly black, however, mainly black was actually the problem. For it bore a bright, garish floral band around it’s halter neck. Now, her mother may have been a woman of substance in the chest department, but she was in an entirely different league. She realised that the costume was substantially more revealing than she considered appropriate but was hurried along by her friends before she could change her mind.

 

“Jesus Rae…..you’re going to give some poor old bloke a heart attack in that.” Giggled Chloe.

 

“Or cause a poolside accident.” Added Izzy.

 

“Piss off you two….let’s just get in the water, right?”

 

“Right Rae.”  Chloe looked heavenward flaring her nostrils, causing Rae to laugh.

 

Rae noted Izzy’s old fashioned yellow rubber bathing cap with flowers attached and her floral swimsuit and smiled. Chloe, as could be expected, was wearing a striped bikini, her hair held up in a french plait.

 

The actual swimming part didn’t last for very long - only comprising a few lengths and most of that was performed gigglingly. Izzy was a pretty competent swimmer even though that was not suggested by her current attire. Chloe, being generally sporty, felt pretty at home in the water. Rae recalled how she’d always won trophies when they had been away together on summer holidays as children.

 

Rae, who normally disliked swimming on account of the sheer hideousness of having to wear a swimming costume, was actually enjoying the liberty and lightness that being immersed always brought. Her mind had actually temporarily forgotten its duty to constantly remind her that fat people resembled whales in the water as she was taken back to her childhood love of water.

 

“Ohh Rae look….its him!” Chloe whispered, grabbing her friend’s arm, unable to conceal her giddy excitement upon spying her prey.

 

“Oh Jesus.” Izzy gushed at the sight of the tall, lean, and very tanned lifeguard.

 

“Jesus wept more like. Will you two get a soddin’ grip…..you’re like a pair of teenagers who’ve never seen a man before.”

 

“I’ve never seen him before….though he’s not as cute as my Chop.”

 

As Izzy’s words finished, the lifeguard used the bottom of his polo shirt to wipe his cheek, exposing his well toned stomach to anyone who happened to be watching.

 

“Fucking hell.” Chloe’s eyes opened wide.

 

“For god’s sake Chlo….you goin’ in for the world fly-catching competition?”

 

“You what?”

 

“Shut your mouth…you look like a goldfish in a pouting competition.” Rae quipped.

 

“Oi you….’s aright for you….you’re dating the heavenly Mike. Bet you he’s got a great body….actually, he’s quite a similar build to Mr washboard stomach over there.”

 

Rae blushed. “Well…sort off….but Mike’s got quite a bit more bulk….but the six-pack is about right.”

 

“You lucky cow….and Mike’s such a sweetheart to boot….you know he even held my hair out of my face when I puked up that night you left the club early.”

 

Rae smiled, having heard the whole sordid tale from Mike, whose night out had finished with carrying Chloe up the stairs to her flat, and ministering to her in her hour of need. Had that not been dedication enough, he’d decided to sleep on Chloe’s sofa lest she should choke on her vomit during the night. Rae had been entirely comfortable with this somewhat strange state of affairs, possibly given that it partially assuaged her guilt about her then whereabouts.

 

Rae had repeatedly attempted in vain not to think about that dance, but nonetheless her mind still conjured up such vivid recollections. These did not simply consist of visions alone; for her senses seemed to retain the memory of his scent, the contours of his body and the music that had played. She had to keep reinforcing his words that they were friends, and justified it to herself as simply a drunken dance between mates; a gesture of his help towards the renaissance of her confidence and self belief.

 

Though she was not yet ready to admit it to herself, she was perplexed and perturbed as to why she had responded, or not reacted, in the same way to Finn as she had previously done with Mike. She ascribed this to the lack of pressure and expectation that came with friendship. By comparison, being someone’s girlfriend presented her with a breadth of expectations and external pressures that she found nigh on impossible to assimilate without question. For acceptance without thought would inherently highlight her failings and deem her unworthy of someone like Mike.

 

She innately longed to be in that mythical relationship. That held up by society as the gold standard. The one in which both partners loved and respected each other, brought their different strengths and weakness such that they completed each other; as if the sum of the parts were always greater than the whole. She considered herself to be the weak, fragile partner who relied so heavily on the strength and life force of the other that the whole relationship was distorted into such asymmetry that its longevity was doubtful. Creeping feelings of negativity at her lack of emotional fortitude again began to weave their sinuous way into her mind such that she felt compelled to submerge herself under the water; and then endeavoured to shake them off along with the droplets on her hair.

 

“Rae….earth to Rae…..come on….it’s jacuzzi time.” Izzy grinned.

 

“Do we have to?”

 

“You sound like a four old….come on jacuzzis are fun Rae.” Chloe playfully tapped her on the arm.

 

She lowered herself into the hot steamy water and her distaste effervesced inside her like the bubbles in which she was sitting.

 

“Christ’s sake, these things are just a germ haven designed to turn even the youngest, lithest body into a 90 year old prune. I mean the whole word “prune” is simply unpleasant…….apart from referring to those revolting shrivelled up things that geriatrics have to eat to keep their bowels moving, it also refers to people that like to hack at their laurel hedges…I mean the people that prune are the sort likely to have those hideous net curtains and …”

 

“Rae…….calm down.”

 

She glanced up to see Chloe giving her that look. The one that said she’d been talking for far too long and had probably gone so far off subject that she’d ended up in Timbuktu.

 

The way from the Jacuzzi back to the changing rooms necessitated walking along one side of the pool right in front of the lifeguard’s chair. Walking this distance, as dammit near naked as it was possible to be in public without causing offense, irritated Rae. She was pleased the pool was quiet and was hopeful of making the journey without drawing attention to herself.

 

“Hey.” The lifeguard leapt down from his chair.

 

Rae snuck behind Izzy, hoping to look as inconspicuous as possible, which she reasoned was ridiculous given she believed she resembled an elephant hiding behind a mouse.

 

Chloe flicked her plait over her shoulder and gave the lifeguard her most seductive smile. But he seemed obvlious and made it very clear he was talking to Rae.

 

“I just wanted to say that’s an amazing tatt.”

 

Rae’s mouth opened but it took an awkward few seconds for the sound to materialise:

 

“Oh thanks….S&N’s in town.” She had started walking off before she’d even finished speaking.

 

As they entered the changing room, Chloe grabbed her arm. “I can’t believe you didn’t try to introduce me Rae….he’s so dreamy.”

 

“I’m not really sure how that conversation would have gone Chlo….I mean ….I could have mentioned that you also had art from S&N’s and did he want to look at that but you’re hardly going to pull down your bikini are you…..”.

 

She would have continued her diatribe, had she suddenly not realised, that for once, the balance of their friendship had altered as she was the one in a relationship while Chloe remained single. And then she felt like a bitch.

 

“Oh Chlo….you’ll meet someone. The good ones always come along when you’re not looking and you know you really deserve an extra specially good one this time.”

 

Rae’s heart sunk recalling Chloe’s chequered love life. Apart from the PE teacher at school, there had been Ian. She had always been so proud of her friend for recovering her former joie de vivre after what could have been a mortal blow to her dating confidence.

 

However, although Chloe had slowly salvaged something of her former aplomb, and had indeed blossomed into an audacious yet measured super flirt, she had not emerged unscathed from Ian. The scars he inflicted by may not often have been visible, but they delved to her core.

 

“Easy for you to say Rae…You’ve got the lovely Mike. Apart from the fact he’s well hot, he’s one of the nicest, kindest men I’ve ever met….you’ve really landed on your feet with him.”

 

Rae took a deep breath intending to respond eruditely but the only words to leave her mouth were:  “Yeah…’spose.”

 

The day’s mood was sufficiently dampened that it took Izzy’s suggestion of happy hour in a swanky cocktail bar to revive their flagging spirits. Much laughter and tales of school were shared along with a jug of Tequila Sunrise. For once, they managed high spirits without pushing the boundary to blind inebriation and a safe passage home was afforded to all.

 

*********************************

 

Having survived a dreary morning shift making teas and coffees, Rae once again found herself back at her flat waiting for a lift back to Stamford; back to Kester. She believed it to be the path to redemption; to cleanse the sins of her past; yet countenancing any possibility, other than apportioning the blame to herself, still seemed to elude her.

 

It wasn’t for want of good intentions. For at every session so far, she had opened the door a little wider, permitting a little more of the darkness within her to be examined. However, the potential of allowing that darkness freedom to leave, or even allowing more light within, had not been even considered, let alone realised. For that self same darkness, that which brought her the nightmares, fear and self-loathing, was ushered back and closed within the box once more at the end of every session.

 

She viewed each meeting with Kester as a painful but necessary interlude in her new life; as if it were a course that could be completed in a set number of hours, at the end of which, the successful candidates would be presented with a badge and certificate. She recognised that she had valiantly endeavoured to keep the sordid and appalling truth from him, in case it might ruin his perception of her as a strong and worthy individual. Instead, she had focussed on the broad brush themes, rather than the detail and definition of the transgressions inflicted within the relationship that had nearly come to destroy her.

 

On a very much subconscious level, she knew she should let him in further, and lay the writhing snake pit of her soul bare; but it was as if she had yet to grant herself this permission. Still, there was no denying Kester’s concern and persuasive efforts to re-establish the rapport that had her brought her so much sense and acceptance back in her college days.

 

The door buzzer distracted her train of thought and she pulled on her coat, grabbed her bag and swiftly exited her flat.

 

“Hey Raemundo…you ready for the off?”

 

“Alright Chopper…..you flying me in your spaceship then?”

 

“Aye aye M’am…it’s Major Chop ….” He said opening the car door for her.

 

He started the car, revving the engine.

 

“It’s Major Chop …to ground control…..countdown to blastoff……5…4…3….2…1…we have lift off…” And with that off the car shot.

 

“….‘kin hell Chopper….it may be helpful if we get there in one piece.”

 

“You criticising my driving young lady?” He laughed. “That’s like me criticising your music…Now put some tunes on.”

 

After their usual light hearted banter about music, the night out she’d had with Izzy and Chloe, and Chop’s latest football obsession, the pair settled down in comfortable silence for quite some time before he spoke again.

 

“Look Raemundo, tell me if I’m out of order for asking, but this erm… bloke you’re seeing… is it helping you?”

 

Rae’s words stuck in her throat, compelling her to sit in silence and contemplate the question for longer than she would have liked. She had no concept of to whom Chop had spoken, or perhaps, more pertinently, who had spoken to him; and therefore whether, or what he might know. Nonetheless, she found herself unafraid to tackle the subject, her forefront concern being the exposure of an innocent to such purgatories.

 

“Erm….Chop….”

 

“Yes, my dear?”

 

“I …honestly? I don’t know. I mean I hope it will but …” She hung her head in shame.

 

“There are still certain things that fill me with the fear of God…..but I know they shouldn’t and …..oh bollocks….” She commented as her tears began their all too familiar journey down her face.

 

“Oh Rae…..please don’t cry….you’ll make me cry and ….we can’t have red eyes ruining these good looks can we.” Chop’s grin did not reach his eyes.

 

She smiled thinly in thanks for his compassion.

 

“You know….we’re all worried for yous. Me, Izz, Chlo, Arch, Jim-Jim, Finny-boy and Mikey…….Actually, Mike’s more than a little worried he erm….”

 

Chop broke off, clearly having overstepped what he had intended to say.

 

“Chop?” Her tone both curious and firm.

 

“Nah…..forget it Raemundo. He’s just a caring boy that’s all.”

 

“Chop?” This time she responded with her best commanding tone and school m’am stare.

 

“This goes no further Raemundo……. I mean that…..” She nodded.

 

“Mikey….our Mikey is far softer than he seems, especially for a huge tattooed bugger. He likes you a lot and he….he thinks he’s done something wrong….he thinks he’s no good for you.”

 

“Oh fuck.” She hit her forehead with her palm.

 

“Do you like him though Rae? I mean ….you know really like him?”

 

“I …I do…..it’s just….I…”

 

She looked out of the window and, for once, took her courage in both hands: “I….sometimes I’m ok but….there’s ….there’s stuff my ex did and I…I can’t forget it Chop. Even though I want to….it creeps up and hits me at the most unexpected moments….it’s not Mike…it’s just my memories.”

 

“….’s ok love. I shouldn’t of asked. You know, all Mike needs is a bit of reassurance every now and again, Just like the rest of us. But he won’t ask. He’s always been so independent….I like him as a mate a lot even though his ridiculous tidiness gets on my tits.”

 

Thus a seed had been planted in Rae’s mind. Something that had bothered her about Mike’s flat for a long time hit her. For it was more than simply tidy; it was clinical to the point of being devoid of a soul. Whilst Rae did not adhere to decor being the making of the home; for home ultimately comprised a state within, home was something she believed could be used as a canvas to express oneself without fear of judgement. And beautiful as Mike’s flat was, it neither inspired her, nor made her feel at ease and able to be herself, as she felt at Archie’s or Chop’s.

 

She was so busy attempting to attribute her discomfort with Mike’s flat, to his status as her boyfriend and the inherent pressure that brought due to her past relationship history, that she hadn’t realised Chop had been talking to her.

 

“Oi knob head…..you ignoring me?”

 

“Ha ha Chop you prat. I was just admiring the glorious concrete scenery….so much more interesting than your drivel……….”

 

“Raemundo! I’m not that borin’! Am I?”

 

She shook her head in amusement. “Course not Chop. Just got a lot on my mind.”

 

“Yeah…you know…you know you’re not the only one……we all have shit Rae…just some people’s shit is bigger than others and..”

 

“You saying I’ve got a giant turd in my life…….well I suppose Liam was a turd….” She laughed, shocking herself at the unexpected joviality when it came to mentioning his name.

 

“Well my dear…. This Liam Turd bloke…..you…..well I bloody hope this guy you’re seeing today will help you kick thoughts of him right to the kerb. ‘Cos you’re our Rae of sunshine right. And …I …we all find it hard to think of…”

 

“Chopper.” She held her hand up to prevent the their conversation falling into even more uncomfortable territory.

 

“Sorry…Mae…I mean Rae….fuck! Finny-boy’s been rubbing off on me recently…not that he ever says that much…” Chop’s voice trailed off sadly.

 

She simply couldn’t instantly respond as Chop had used “his” pet name for her, which produced an unforeseen reaction choking her words. Back on an even keel, her words strayed to safe ground:

 

“What’s Finn been up to - designing more masterpieces?”

 

Chop shook his head and blew his breath out. “He’s …..he’s fucked off to London for a few days…. the tosser.”

 

“Gone to stay with Laura?”

 

“I fuckin’ hope not. not after….” Chop paused pursing his lips; “He’s gone to work with the master again in Camden. To be honest, I don’t get him sometimes….you’d think a quiet few days at home would do ‘im the world of good ….but no, he has to go and do some guest sessions when he’s got a backlog at home.”

 

“He’s got a backlog?”

 

“Yeah….frickin’ booked up for ages ‘cos the knob reckons he needs a couple of days a week to see what comes through the door and be creative an’ that. Meanwhile Mike and I are workin’ our arses off. And then he wonders why he’s always broke and Mike and I have money in our pockets.”

 

“Oh… perhaps he needs the time for the ideas to come to him so he can make sense of them and formulate them into pictures.”

 

“God you sound more like him than him sometimes…..I mean it’s bad enough when you’re blabbering on about some track……” Chop shook his head.

 

“But yeah he likes to take his time to visualise things and once he’s got them in his head, they seem to come out so quickly and it’s always incredible…..out of the three of us…..I’d have to say art’s in his soul….Mike and I are bloody good but Finn’s an artist through and through. But there’s less commercial demand for it. ….and of course Finn will only do commercial if people ask real nicely.”

 

“You mean like Chloe?”

 

Chop smiled and nodded.

 

“Yeah well that was more about all of us wantin’ to get to know yous.”

 

“Well why wouldn’t you…us girls we’re great!”

 

“I’m not arguing with that. You three have been a complete breath of fresh air…..you’ve brought the fun back into our group of mates and Archie and I have never been so happy.”

 

He smiled then added. “And Mike of course……wish it would rub off on Nelson though……but …look I didn’t say this but…… it’s not going to happen with Laura around…..he’s not been the same Finn recently……”

 

“Ah look we’re nearly there Rae. So tell me where exactly does your mum live?”

 

Chop averted a difficult conversation through a clunky subject change and this had not in any way evaded Rae.

 

************************

On the basis that she had been the one doing most of the talking, she judged that she had fared better in this session with Kester. She tried to suppress the small voice in her head, that never seemed satisfied, reminding her that the confessions had not nearly gone far enough; for they had barely touched on, let alone revealed, the murky darkness that, at times, threatened to swallow her.

 

Linda placed a cup of tea on the same familiar table that had sat in the house since they had moved there when Rae was young. The walls may have been painted a different colour and Karim’s hard work may have paid for a new carpet, but it was still very much the house she grew up in; slat-doored kitchen cupboard and all. It was that same cupboard that Linda was currently rooting through in search of something to accompany the tea.

 

Rae observed her mother, who refused to grow old gracefully; she was most definitely her own woman. Her dress sense was still stuck somewhere in the late 80s or early 90s, her hair still fair (though Rae was fairly sure that had always come from a bottle), her figure curvaceous and she still possessed an inimitable range of facial expressions and dodgy sayings.

 

“So which young man is picking you up today then?”

 

“Mike - my boyfriend. You know the cute one with tattoos and…”

 

“Rachael Earl, three hot men with tattoos have visited this house recently, the neighbours are going to start to talk.”

 

“Mum!”

 

“So who dropped you off this morning then?”

 

“That was Chop - Izzy’s boyfriend.”

 

“He has lovely blue eyes doesn’t he? So is your boyfriend the handsome one with freckles who made you laugh?”

 

She shook her head. “NO mum. Mike has a beard mum…you know tall and cute.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Rae frowned, trying to understand if anything was implied in that two letter word or whether it was just she had thought one of the others was…..She chided herself for this ridiculous train of thought and looked at the clock in the nonsensical hope of speeding up its slow ticking hands.

 

*************************

Mike was seated on her sofa, laughing with her at some comedy on tv. She glanced at his relaxed happy face scrunched up in merriment and was reminded just how lucky she was. For this gorgeous, intelligent, and caring man was her boyfriend. He had been prepared to make the thankless two hour round trip to her mother’s to collect her after her session with Kester without either fuss or question. He’d even sat, apparently happily, enjoying a cup of tea and a custard cream whilst facing 20 questions randomly fired off by her mother.

 

She snuggled against one of his broad, strong shoulders,  nuzzling her face against the soft fabric of his shirt and soon found herself being pulled into an embrace.

 

“Hey petal what’s up?”

 

“Nothing.” She smiled.

 

“Nothing…..really? You can tell me sweetheart.”

 

She silenced him with a kiss trying to pour in as much of her gratefulness as possible.

 

“Ah…” He pulled back a little breathless. “Alright then petal…kissing it is.”

 

He started out gently, but that ever so quickly transitioned to him holding her tightly and kissing her firmly and intently. She responded in the manner she perceived he wanted her to respond; by laying herself back on the sofa and pulling him with her. His weight resting against her, Mike’s hand snuck up gently under her shirt.

 

She felt him shift his weight slightly so that he could access her breasts. His touch failed to alarm her, but neither did it ignite tinder. She panicked momentarily thinking the spark must be lost, then calmed herself by crediting the dearth to a knock on effect of her session with Kester. She allowed him to continue his advances, unintentionally eliciting a groan as she wriggled underneath him.

 

Running her hand through his hair, she tried to drown herself in his kiss and lose herself in his touch as she deemed he deserved. But however much she desired it, the kindling wouldn’t light. Mike liberated her breasts from her bra, happily caressing them. Taking a short shaky breath, her energy drained from her causing her to freeze.

 

“Petal?” He pulls back to look at her.

 

She detected confusion in his eyes and berated herself for being such a poor actress, followed by scolding herself for the ghastliness of that very thought.

 

“Would you mind….would you mind if we leave it tonight…..just today’s session….I’m just still feeling really tense.”

 

She loathed the chain of lies that passed her lips. It may have appalled her but she was as perplexed as he. She simply could not conceive what may have befallen that spark, what could have dampened it and she persuaded herself to believe in her own story.

 

“Not a problem petal. Would you like me to give you a shoulder massage?”

 

She grinned and kissed him on the cheek, bravely flinging her shirt off (having rearranged her breasts) leaving herself quite exposed in a thin white vest.

 

“Your sofa’s a little on the small side - how about the floor?” He asked tentatively.

 

“Alright then.” And with that she stretched herself out on the rug, head resting on her arms.

 

She felt him kneel right beside her and reach over to her shoulders. She hadn’t the faintest notion of the amount of tension she had been carrying in those shoulders until she felt him working on those the knots. She sighed in bliss as the muscles began to relax, as if they were releasing the most repugnant of memories that they had absorbed, concealed and protected her from.

 

“Ohh that feels good.”

 

“It’s meant to. More?” He placed a kiss on her shoulder.

 

“mmmm”.

 

******************************

Jim was enjoying his third beer of the night, happily ensconced in Archie’s sofa; his boyfriend’s head resting on his thigh whilst they were idly channel hopping and munching crisps. His hand was slightly tangled in Archie’s hair when he recognised that Archie had been unusually quiet.

 

“You alright?”

 

“Hmm… tired I suppose. It’s been a long week.”

 

“Same here Archie, same here.” Jim responded.

 

“We could always skip out on clubbing tomorrow. I’ve an early start on Sunday.”

 

“Not on my account, I’ll be fine after a day spent reading in bed.”

 

“Just reading?” Jim’s tone highly suggestive.

 

Archie’s breath caught in his throat.  “Well there’s this book on Alexander the Great…” He teased.

 

Jim’s lips met his lips with a gentle, yet heated kiss; causing Archie to desist, a lazy grin spreading over his face.

 

“Ok maybe not just reading then…..”

 

Jim winked at him. “I should hope not though I shan’t complain if you want to read Keats to me.”

 

“Read?” Archie raised his eyebrows. “Recite more like.”

 

They shared a smile before Archie removed his glasses, a serious look crossing his face as he drew breath before he spoke.

 

“I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.”

 

Jim’s expression softened, innately comprehending the meaning behind Archie’s choice of quote. The words may, as of yet, remained unspoken but the sentiment was there, seeping out in small gestures and elegant quotes. Once again his hand lingered on Archie’s hair as the words came back to him, revealing themselves from, an until recently, neglected part of his memory.

 

“I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my Life seems to stop there - I see no further.”

 

Archie felt as if his heart stopped for a minute. He pulled Jim close to impart a passionate and heartfelt kiss. He was almost speechless, unable to find words sufficient to respond and searched his mind fruitlessly when at last something came to him:

 

“Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard, are sweeter.”  

 

As soon as the words had left his lips, his expression changed and he felt the need to take a deep steadying breath.

 

“Archie?……What’s up?… Archie?”

 

Archie sighed. “It’s just that quote reminds me of…of  someone.”

 

Jim’s brow furrowed, unsure of the meaning of this discussion, fearful of its direction.

 

Archie had felt the tensing of his boyfriend’s body and appreciated that he had to be honest.

 

“It’s, well it brings Finn to mind. You know how he loves his music, but I don’t think…no, actually, I am fully cognizant of the fact that he’s not exactly happy right now.”

 

He bit his lip, considering the ramifications of further words but then remembered this was Jim he was talking to.

 

“Finn’s a long way from being happy. I suspect Laura’s behind his latest escape to London….though, it wouldn’t surprise me if she followed him down there.”

 

“Aesthetically speaking, they make an astonishingly good looking couple but I’m only too aware that has no real meaning in the greater scheme.” Jim commented.

 

“I couldn’t agree more. When they first got together, we all thought Finn had finally met his match; someone who could keep him interested for more than 5 minutes, someone who understood his art and I suppose in some way his soul. But we couldn’t have been further from the truth. I don’t pretend to understand the semantics of what goes on behind closed doors between those two, but from the little I’ve seen, I can’t believe it’s particularly pleasant……no…fuck it…and I don’t mean this lightly…. he’s a shadow of his former self in so many ways…..”

 

Archie inhaled sharply and Jim read the visceral pain in his face.

 

“He does seem…rather grumpy…withdrawn even when she’s around.”

 

“He’s always been grumpy, difficult to get to know on more than a superficial level but you’ve hit the nail on the head with withdrawn…. He hardly ever even talks about music now….well apart from with Rae and ….I don’t know what to say or do…when Laura speaks to him like she does…is it any wonder he’s pissed off down to London?”

 

Jim took Archie’s hand in his own, stroking the back of it with his fingers.

 

“I have to admit it makes me pretty uncomfortable….she comes across as almost unhinged in her possessiveness and narcissism. It’s quite disgusting really….You know, if Rae wasn’t with Mike…and they met in another life…..”

 

“Yeah I know…..And therein lies the frailty of love….cupid’s arrow sometimes mis-shoots….at least….she’s fickle at times…I mean love and….fuck Jim….I don’t know how much more of Finn’s disintegration I can bear to stand by and watch…. I feel like…I fear that if it goes on for much longer that there won’t be anything of him left…..”

 

Jim sighed giving his next words thought before opening his mouth: “Perhaps….perhaps you should get him and Rae to talk music again some time or something…..see if he can find something of himself in it? “

 

“Yeah but…..sending him there is one thing….you’re forgetting she’s happy with Mike.”

 

“I don’t see the problem…two friends, who share a common interest, spending time together. Why should gender come into in?”

 

Archie smiled at the statement knowing Jim was right.

 

Little could either be aware of the wheels they had inadvertently set in motion.

 

*************************************

Rae arrived at Chloe’s flat for what was supposed to be a girls’ night in. Chloe had rented a cheesy romantic DVD and stocked up on Lambrini. In all honesty, Rae hated Lambrini as, not only did it offend her taste buds, it always seemed to leave her with the hangover from hell consisting of a day long dry mouth, nausea and dizziness. But this was Chloe’s night and she wished to pay heed to her feelings of guilt for neglecting her friends due to her perceived self absorption in her personal journey.

 

Rae assimilated the loss of the flat’s usual chaotic sparkle, that signified Izzy’s presence, which slightly unnerved her. But more disturbing still, was how the tidiness level of the flat appeared to have increased ten-fold. How could she have forgotten that her oldest friend was actually a bit of a neat freak, despite her enormous collection of attire and matching accessories? She wondered how she’d never noticed the evolution of her friend’s taste from the girly to the neutral palette that now presented itself.

 

The chocolate brown leather sofa, once draped in one of Izzy’s tartan throws, was resplendent with white mohair and beige suede cushions. Izzy’s raglan rug had been replaced by a soft tasteful cream circle that was rather similar to the cushions. Where posters had once been blu-tacked to the walls, tasteful monochrome framed prints hung. A huge mirror-glass fronted cabinet, that had once resided against the living room wall, had been replaced by white stacked cubes filled with books and a select number of photos.

 

“Do you like it Rae?” Chloe’s tone nervous.

 

“Err….yes….it’s so….ummm…so fresh and ….gosh you’ve done so much.”

 

“Well it was mostly dad. He helped paint the room and just tidy and fix things up. I think he’s a bit lost now he’s retired and my sister’s house near Leeds is all finished. I expect he was getting on mum’s nerves so she suggested he give the place a once over, especially now I’m here on my own.”

 

“You are alright though aren’t you?….I know you’ve not been on your own before” Rae’s eyes full of compassion were matched by the dulcet sound of her voice.

 

“Of course….why would I not be… I mean I don’t need a man to be happy, right?”

 

Rae nodded but Chloe’s words had failed to mask the insecurity that resonated deeply with her.

 

“Actually, Rae before Izz shows up….I wanted to ask you something….and I don’t mind if you say no…if it bothers you…”

 

Rae was intrigued for Chloe genuinely looked nervous; her long held habit of twisting her hair around her finger was in full force, and she was gazing slightly off to the left and not meeting her eyes.

 

“You know Chlo…you can always ask me anything….that will never change…that’s what mates are for right? Friendship should have no fear of  judgement.”

 

“It’s just I’ve wanted to go and visit my sister for ages and it’s such a pain to get to and well I was at Chop’s at the weekend and…” Chloe paused, concerned about a potentially tricky reaction.

 

“Anyway….Mike said he was visiting his mum in Leeds soon and…..he offered to give me a lift…” She trailed off looking most unsure.

 

“Well you should take him up on the offer then. He’s a lovely kind gent is Mike -  as you know, and ….Chlo why the hell would you think I would have a problem with it? It’s just a lift. You don’t need my permission”

 

Chloe’s face broke out in a huge grin as she threw her arms around Rae. “Thanks Rae.”

 

“He’s your boyfriend and …I thought you might think it…. a bit odd.”

 

“Nah of course not….Mike’s like that… he’s kind and generous -  a top notch bloke.”

 

A slight niggling established itself within the depths of her abdomen, but before it truly registered, Izzy arrived all smiles and giggles.

 

It seemed the trio was not destined to stay in after all, as Rae found herself being cajoled into taking up residence in a local wine bar. Apart from the fact Rae entirely disapproved of wine bars as a concept, this one had recently been converted from a good old fashioned spit and sawdust pub, and hence it had incurred her wrath before she had even touched its sleek chrome door handles.

 

Three double vodka and sodas in, Rae was merrily chatting to her girlfriends, expounding on some record she had recently discovered buried in a box at the back of a charity shop. He may have come to her mind first, but it was Chloe who first uttered his name.

 

“God you remind me so much of Finn when you talk about music Rae.”

 

Rae frowned bringing her chin back towards her neck in a sign of disbelief.

 

“Yeah Rae….you two ….you could probably bang on for hours and hours about music.” Izzy chimed in.

 

“Well his taste isn’t as amazin’ as he thinks it is….I mean there were a few shockers in the second box of vinyl he’s leant me.”

 

Chloe’s eyes widened. “Has he been round again?”

 

“Nah - Mike passed them on to me….actually, you know it’s weird….Mike and him have such different taste. I suppose I stupidly fell into the trap of assuming what Mike would like from his appearance alone…..I can be a right twat sometimes.”

 

“Don’t say that Rae…..a lot of people get Mike wrong.” Izzy said with conviction.

 

“Too right Izz….I mean he’s just not what I thought at all…he was telling me about the ballet at Chops….I just wouldn’t have picked him as ballet dancer.”

 

“He’s not a dancer Chlo you muppet.” Rae chided her.

 

“He just likes watching it Chlo….how pissed were you?” Izzy asked.

 

“Oh you know…no worse than usual.”

 

This caused Izzy and Rae to errupt into loud giggles drawing significant attention to the group.

 

“So girls….do’ you think Finn’s got any surprises….or hidden talents?”

 

Rae’s lip curled slightly at one side and she looked at Izzy who shrugged.

 

“You’d have to ask him Chlo….I don’t know him at all really ….other than the music…”

 

“You know about his art though Rae….don’t you?”

 

Rae felt the tone was slightly accusatory, possibly even bordering on threatening, and she had to question what had got into Chloe.

 

“Well only as far as my tattoo goes…..”

 

“Hmmm….he seems quite a hard person to get to know.” Chloe mused.

 

“He…he is generally quiet…though Chop says he’s been getting worse for some time now. I reckon it’s Laura…..she who must not be named in our house” Izzy stated conspiratorily:

 

“….lest Chop goes off on a rant ….that’s the worst thing…I think Finn feels frightened of saying anything but especially when she’s around…..but never say I said so.” she added sadly.

 

“Oh poor Finn….we’ve got to get him away from her.” Chloe said with a determination, which took Rae by surprise.

 

“What so she can get her claws into some other poor bugger?” Rae had no idea where her words had come from and clapped her hand over her mouth. “Shit….definitely had too much vodka.”

 

“Yeah well Rae you’re so lucky to have Mike and you Izzy to have Chop…..but some of us are single and there are so few good guys out there……I’ve never been single this long…not since the time after Ian.” She trailed off.

 

“Oh Chlo….come here.” Rae pulled her friend into a tight embrace. “You remember what I said back then and I’ll say it again now…..you need to bide your time…enjoy life and right when you’re not looking, when its most inconvenient, then the right one will find you.”

 

“Yeah …..Actually, don’t you remember Adam?”

 

Rae and Izzy both shared a look of consternation for Adam had been Chloe’s first boyfriend after Ian who had dated her for six months before moving to the US with work.

 

“Yes Chlo….do’you still miss him?”

 

“Not really …I mean he was a nice bloke….but god do I miss the sex.”

 

Rae inhaled some of her vodka and started coughing manically and Izzy laughed so hard that she started to snort. When Rae had finally regained a little dignity she realised with amazing clarity that there was something she desired to, no, needed to ask Chloe. And however delicate the question was, she doubted whether another similar opportunity would be forthcoming where she would be sufficiently simultaneously buoyed and numbed by alcohol to ask.

 

“Chlo.” She bit her lip.  “Adam was your first after Ian …” She trailed off and her eyes met the trendy stripped and varnished wooden floor boards.

 

In an instant, the atmosphere changed which did not fail to have a noticeable impact on her friends. Chloe took Rae’s hand in her own.

 

“Rae…..you’ve still not….?”

 

She shook her head as waves of shame crashed over her.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with that.” Izzy stated confidently.

 

“It’s…..I mean….was it horrible to start with….did it just get good after a while or something…..or did you feel paralysed by the weight of…..by the weight of memories.”

 

Chloe used all her strength to hold back the tears that threatened to fall on account of her friend as well as her past misfortunes.

 

“No Rae….he was hot and it was….it was damn good from day one to be honest…yeah I was a bit nervous to start with ….but I suppose it’s a bit like riding a bike you know…you never forget..how to get back into the saddle.”

 

Rae’s eyes widened as she looked up. “Did you…did you just compare having sex with riding a bicycle?”

 

“Might have done.” Chloe said tentatively.

 

“Bloody hell……well I never..” She started to chuckle. And that deep infectious sound drew the friends together in reverie once more.

 

The gnawing feeling in Rae’s belly had once again been given short shrift leaving her free to enjoy the remainder of their night.

 

**********************************

Jim had given Rae a rare Wednesday night off; on the none too subtle pretext of needing her on the Saturday as well as Friday night -  even though the rota appeared to be full according to Rae’s eyesight as she surveyed the well worn piece of paper. One of Mike’s regular clients had mysteriously rebooked for a late session that night when S&N’s would normally be shut.

 

Rae was at a complete loose end when Archie suggested that she invite Finn, newly returned from London, to listen to some collectable vinyl that he’d picked up and it seemed nobody else was free to share it with.

 

Finn appeared, slightly dishevelled, on her doorstep clutching his record bag and a bottle of vodka. He was gazing through his eyelashes at his boots when she opened the door, briefly raising his eyes to meet hers before biting his lip and returning shyly to his shoegazing.

 

“Hello Rae…..how are you?” She snipes grouchily as her nerves start to kick in. Besides, she was rather miffed that nobody had been free to enjoy a night out with her on her only work  free evening that week.

 

His eyes flick up to meet hers, his teeth still catching his lip as a smile splays across his lips. One hand on the doorframe, he leans in placing his left hand on her shoulder and dropping a warm kiss on her right cheek.

 

The tiniest ember of the fire that had started during their dance spontaneously seems to reignite itself. Rae couldn’t return the kiss as her pre-occupied mind traverses a path of its own.

 

“Mae, I said did ya want a vodka?”

 

She ponders how long he had been waiting for her to respond, identifying a note of anxiousness in his voice.

 

“Duh…..yes. And when you’ve poured my drink barman you can show me this so-called interesting vinyl.”

 

“Oi Madam….just you remember which one of us owns a Chesney Hawkes’ single.”

 

Her eyes widen in horror, how the fuck did he know? His face creases in soft laughter as he approaches her, shot glasses firmly in his hands.

 

“I….I might of asked Chloe to dish the dirt when she was over drinking with Izz at ours….Chesney fuckin’ Hawkes.” He shakes his head as laughter once again overcomes him.

 

He watches her eyes screwing up lightly and her brow furrowing, knowing she’s attempting to formulate some witty retort ….some come back about the Boney M record she’d found in his collection. But instead of words; her normal preferred mode of combat, she wrinkles her nose and her eyes form two distinct slits. She looks indignantly down her nose and mouths “Dickhead” at him with a scowl.

 

“Sorry Mae, I didn’t quite catch that.”

 

This time she almost snarls the word out. “Dickhead.”

 

“Really……you’re the dickhead.” He smirks.

 

This time he’s gone too far and she closes the remaining gap between them, anger blazing in her expressive eyes. “No Finn, you’re the dickhead.”

 

For a second, he thinks he’s horribly misread both her and the situation and momentarily freezes before he glimpses the twinkle in her eye. A growing confidence builds within as a succoring warmth permeates his being.

 

“Nah Mae…you’re the dickhead.” And he bops her on the nose with his forefinger.

 

“Dickhead” She mirrors his gesture bopping him on the nose.

 

Before she can so much as bat her eyelashes, his arm is tight around her waist. She languidly draws her eyes up his body from the floor to meet his; endless pools of a brown far deeper than chesnut, with flashes of ochre. Without comprehension, she’s gazing resolutely at him, mesmerized by his beautifully expressive face. But tonight she cannot read it; it is as if his freckles, pouting mouth and those exquisite eyes have stolen any ability to reason.

 

He holds her gaze far longer than he should, his fingers almost imperceptibly rubbing her lower back as he worries his bottom lip trying to control his breath. Quite abruptly, he pulls away.

 

“Right girl….come have a look at this lot ….tell me what ya think.”

 

Whatever she had been expecting him to have brought, it was not this motley collection in their tatty paper sleeves. Far from the Indie pop or cool rock LPs she had predicted, he’s actually collected what she supposes must be real vintage soul and reggae 45s.

 

“You don’t like them do ya. ‘s alright. No need ta pretend Mae….. let’s just put Oasis on right.”

 

“No no Finn.” Her hand seeks out his as if of its own accord. As if it had heard and identified the disquiet and hurt in his voice.

 

“I..It’s just I don’t really know …ok..I admit I’ve not actually heard these before…at least I don’t think…..”

 

“How about we put them on…I reckon you’ll recognize the odd tune or two as we’re going along. Yeah?”

 

A smile that not only reaches, but lights up, his eyes seems to suffuse her whole being as she watches him delicately removing the first from it’s creased and torn wrapper and flicking a switch on the turntable for 45rpm before setting the needle to the grooves.

 

“Right girl…..I can’t believe I found this little baby….she was pressed in 1964….. would have cost me a fortune had it not been for the fact I undertook a commission for a guy who collects Northern Soul….. It’s Wendy Rene’s -  After Laughter.”

 

She allows the heavy beat and soulful song wash through her, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths. Eventually, she opens her eyes to see him pouring out another vodka which he downs with a wince. He almost startles as he catches her eyes on his form.

 

As the song fades off, words have found her once more and pour into her head fighting for which ones will gain ascendancy and escape first.

 

“That was….quite mournful really…but her voice….Jesus Finn…..that’s most definitely a record for dancin’ to.”

 

A crooked smile passes his lips as he sorts through his precious haul until his nimble fingers locate exactly what he had in mind.

 

“Now, this one’s not a rarity like the last one…. cheap as chips this but it’s a bit odd really…’cos the tune sounds really cheerful but the lyrics are ….well you’ll see.”

 

She instantly recognises Smokey Robinsons - Tears of  Clown. Impulsively, she reaches down the side of the sofa, pulling out her trusty hairbrush and starts to sing along to the song; causing him to dissolve into fits of giggles. She’s never seen him so carefree and almost hysterical before and she wants to see more, so she continues far longer than simply through the first chorus as she had intended.

 

He purposefully takes a cheeky swig of her vodka, grin on his face. She wanders close to him continuing to mime, jiggling along to the beat of the music. His cheeks puff out and she knows he’s having to work hard to contain the burning fluid within his mouth as he’s completely incapable of swallowing as his sides are heaving with laughter. For some inexplicable reason this makes her giggle uncontrollably and she collapses on the sofa, leans back and watches as he falls in an undignified heap on the floor.

 

“I fuckin’ hate clowns….give me the creeps.” He chuckles.

 

“You little bugger….is that why you were laughing so much…”

 

“Course not! Ya looked so daft singing inta yer hairbrush…well that and yer dodgy dancin’…”

 

“Finn Nelson…..you’re a fine one to talk when it comes ta dancing….that’s if you call tripping up over your own feet and landing on your arse as dancing.”

 

“Mae Earl….ya know full well I was not dancin’ that were just me keeling over as ya moves ‘specially with that hairbrush cracked me right up.”

 

“Says he of two left feet.” She challenges knowing full well what his likely reaction would be. And she’s not afraid…because more than anything she wants to.

 

“I’ll show ya two left feet… you cheeky …. right.”

 

He’s on his knees now; trawling through the box in search of something but he’s not quite sure what. His usual arrogant nonchalance when it comes to music is lost and he comprehends that it would be pointless trying to reinstate it now. When it comes to her, he feels adrift at sea and completely incapable of finding his bearings. A slight panic starts to course through his veins as nothing he looks at seems or would sound right, and his hand automatically finds the back of his hair. Then he feels her hand rest on his shoulder.

 

Something kindles deep within and his confidence returns with a flourish. As soon as he sees the well worn cover, he knows this is exactly what he was searching for all along.

 

“Right we’re having the B side of this little baby…” He carefully changes the single for the one on the turntable.

 

As the first piano notes sound, he extends his right hand to her “Dance with me girl?”

 

Her eyes widen as if in question but she grasps his hand nonetheless, and has to take a deep breath as his left hand encircles her waist and pulls her close, coming to a rest on her lower back. She interlaces the fingers of her left hand with his right and he starts jovially circling them around the room as if at a waltz.

 

She cannot prevent herself from staring at the cocky half grin/half pout that his lips have formed and is mortified when he briefly catches her, his eyes darkly aflame, before he closes them. He runs his tongue between his chapped lips and begins to sing.

 

“Baby if you bring it to me…bring your sweet lovin….bring it on home to me…”

 

The music seems to stop almost as soon it has started and she knows he can feel her disappointment. But his once again his self-assuredness has vanished along with the fading notes.

 

A strange vision floats into her mind of his spirit being contained within those dusty wrappers, only coming alive and thriving once a needle hits the vinyl; to be hidden away again as soon as the needle reaches the middle of the disc. And that nagging feeling returns.

 

His warm eyes find hers cast to her converse but he’s not in the least taken aback when his chest tightens in sympathy and he aches to make her feel how she should. He grabs the bottle and his nerves are such that he takes a sizeable swig from its lengthy neck and passes it to her. Her brow furrows yet the smallest of grins creeps across her face.

 

The vodka takes no time in spreading its fiery heat through his belly and he’s grateful because he know’s he’s going to need to borrow its courage.

 

“How about some crap reggae then Mae?”

 

She pulls a face that’s somewhere between a grimace and a smile trying to look as aloof as possible. But only too soon a tune is spiralling from the speakers with their thick rich bass and he’s pulling her, ever so gently to him.

 

She forces her eyes shut and his scent once again addles her senses. It’s a musk of tobacco, aftershave, vodka and him.

 

The song’s words seep into their sub consciousnesses, how little could they know of their later significance.

 

“You sheltered me from harm, kept me warm….. you gave my life to me…set me free

 

And I would give anything I own ….give up my life my heart my own and I would give anything I own….just to have you back again….”

 

She’s captivated by the intricate patterns on his arms again and finds the fingers of one hand outlining them, his eyes helplessly following her fingers. She places her hand against his chest to feel his breath shallow and short. She leans her head on his shoulder and his lips find her hair.

 

As the music finally fades out she opens her eyes to find his dark and of unending depth. His teeth are trapping the corner of his lip suggestively and she has to look away lest she forgets to breathe.

 

When he finally dares to speak, his voice is husky and laced with a raw vulnerability.

 

“So…..erm did the ….did the dancing help….I meant last time…you know…”

 

“Er…..yeah….well sort of…I ….uhhh.”

 

Before he realises it, the words are out of his mouth and he’s castigating his own foolishness, expecting her to think all the worse of him.

 

“Would it err….be more …more realistic if ummm…if I were to …to er kiss ya?”

 

Her mouth opened but not a single sound escaped.

 

He shifts from foot to foot, brow furrowed, concern written deep in the lines of his face and his hands displaying that tick that seems to occur when he needs nicotine.

 

Nevertheless, she’s the one who bends down and lifts the needle from the 45, only to place it back on the outside so the sensual tune once more permeates the cool air. It’s a mere second before he has her pressed hard against him. But this time, there can be no misunderstanding his dance, for it is nothing but openly provocative. She slowly meets his gaze and watches as he runs his tongue between his pouting lips before trapping his bottom lip and slowly releasing it.

 

Her breath continually catches in her throat as he starts to twist his hips mercilessly into hers in rhythm to the reggae beat. His strong arms are now swaying her from side to side whilst keeping their bodies locked at the pelvis. She dares open her eyes again to discover his firmly shut, his lips mouthing the lyrics and she fathoms he is moving entirely on instinct and a shiver runs through her.

 

His eyes flicker open, looking at her in a way he’s never allowed himself to before. She notes the way his tongue hits the back of his teeth and she starts to think he’s regretting his words, that they represent that step too far between friends. But then his hand is ever so tenderly stroking her cheek. She’s utterly helpless as,with the lightest of pressure, he tilts her head towards him and seeks consent with his eyes.

 

His lips finally find hers with the briefest of chaste kisses but it doesn’t remain that way too long. Neither can it, for the fire has truly kindled, and his blood is coursing far warmer in his veins that it ever has. He runs his tongue between her lips causing her to open her mouth in a gasp.

 

Her reciprocation renders him giddy and it’s not long before his tongue seeks its way into her mouth. The kiss is moist and heady and she thinks she might faint as sensations explode inside her. Suddenly she has to grab onto his arms.

 

“Mae….let’s sit ya down.” His voice gruff.

 

She thinks he’s going to hug her but instead he recommences the kiss on the floor. She can’t even register what is happening now as his tongue flicks across the seam of her mouth and she abdicates herself completely to the blistering heat established in her belly.

 

The charge between them is ever increasing to the point where he’s all fire and want. He’s never felt anything like it, and deficient of his conscious self, he find himself pressing her hard against the floor. She moans as his slow, deliberate assault on her senses continues. That’s when he finally loses it, in complete surrender to his body, forgetting where he is , who he’s with and even who he is.

 

His desire is raw and verging on excruciating in its primal intensity. He is utterly helpless as her hand ruffles his hair and she sighs. He grinds his pelvis purposfully against hers and the moan and arching of her back against him is so exquisite such that a low growl escapes his lips. Their bodies meld together in the intense heat as lips drag across each other, bodies writhing. He kisses her with an immeasurably raw and ardent fervor that oblivion begins to seep in.

 

But the fire becomes too hot and he leaps up as if burnt by its roaring flames.

 

She’s left lying exposed and unnerved on the floor. But as she watches him grab the kitchen counter to steady himself, she surmises that he’s as bewildered as she is.

 

He looks like he might collapse for a minute, his palms laid flat on the surface, his head hanging down and his breath fast and shallow.

 

“Finn?”

 

He looks up slowly to meet her eyes and swallows.

 

“I….erm I…” He has to look back down, to regain a pretence of control. “I lost meself there a bit…”

 

He raises his arms, hands meeting behind his head. Her gaze is drawn to the tiniest patch of skin exposed above his jeans by his shirt riding up.  An unknown ink pattern emerges that resonates with something she’s seen -  if only she could remember what. And then she blushes as it comes to her who she’s looking at and just where.

 

A silly grin comes over his face as notices the trajectory of her stare before it morphs into a grimace and he bites the inside of his cheek hard. He knows he has to say something now.

 

“Er…..yeah….it seems….my …my body and ….especially my er..dick didn’t seem to umm get the memo about the friends bit…..” He shrugs his shoulders and sucks his lip into his mouth.

 

And her eyes fall open wide understanding exactly what she had been rolling herself into. But she’s oddly comforted by his unapologetic words as if it is the most natural thing in the world for one body to react to another like that. And it hits her hard - because it is so, and she smiles at him.

 

“I ….I…. just a minute Mae…”

 

He wanders over to the window and lights a cigarette, sitting on the ledge, blowing the smoke outside.  She is spellbound by his silhouette against the dark sky and the way his attention has become focussed on his visceral act of smoking.

 

It takes him a second cigarette to even come partially back to himself. He pours them both a drink and it imparts a calming relief into him.  He prays that he hasn’t destroyed their friendship through his incarnate and fervid display of affection.

 

“Will you….will you stay?” She asks in small voice.

 

Fear was so thick in her voice that he couldn’t have refused, even had he wanted to. He nods humbly and gestures towards the bathroom as he needs more space to understand how….how anything could have felt like that.

 

Upon his return he finds her with a pile of blankets, a duvet and two pillows on the floor. He knows its not going to be comfortable but right now, he yearns for her to be near him. She switches off the lamp, laying on her back next to him. He rolls onto his side and drapes an arm around her and drops a kiss into her hair.

 

“Friends?” Her voice is timid and he understands her need for comfort, not clarification.

 

“Always Mae….always.” He croaks tucking her hair behind her ear and pressing a definite kiss to her temple.

 

She rolls towards him and kisses him on the cheek and settles back on her side closing her eyes; aware of the warmth of his body pressed alongside hers. She falls instantaneously into a deep, dreamless slumber.

 

It takes him a little longer. Solace comes in the form of her steady relaxed breaths and moulding his body to hers before sleep’s endless arms finally carry him off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another part I’m not overly happy as it’s too long.   
> Just for warning in case you get too attached the following is coming:  
> Part 11 - Distinegration  
> Part 12 - Purgatory and redemption  
> Part 13 - Home and soul  
> This has all the usually trigger warnings for abuse - mental verbal, physical and the other….. There are flashbacks and OCD, and PTSD and lots of other nastiness. There is clear mention of people harming themselves by consenting to sex with people they don’t like.

She stirs from a deep, dreamless slumber. Her eyelids begin to flutter but the desire to return to the warmth and solace of sweet oblivion remains ascendant. She takes a deep breath, smooshing her head into the soft pillow, wriggling contentedly onto her side. And there she startles, for something is inherently different this morning.

Her sleep hazed brain initially notes that she’s still fully clothed and that the bed is horrifically uncomfortable. She’s beginning to question just how inebriated she must have been the previous evening, when she registers the arm draped over her waist.

She thinks that Mike has become bolder since they last shared a bed; when he had been only too careful with how he had positioned his body. It hits her hard that this cannot be Mike; blind panic breaking loose in her drowsy mind, which evolves into paralysis and hysteria enveloping all her thoughts. She scrabbles for how he could have found her again. The force of her terror is such that her whole body finally jolts as if to remind her to flee.

The arm pulls her tighter in response and her ears fill with a low sleepy groan. Her eyes blow wide open when she spies the tattoos decorating the arm around her. An inherent tranquility descends, pervading her very being as she inhales the heady, musky, and smoky scent.  She is so deep in cogitation of the semantics of this predicament, that a moan escapes her lips at the way he nuzzles her neck and tilts his pelvis into hers and, unconsciously, she wriggles against him. Reality bites quickly causing her to suddenly flip herself onto her stomach.

From his deep and even breathing, and the way his arm remains heavy over her back, she surmises that he’s still fast asleep and rationalises his behaviour as a case of mistaken identity. She lays there for in an inordinate amount of time occupied with crushing guilt, castigating herself for allowing this to happen. They may only be “friends” but her breath catches in her throat when she imagines how the fuck she could explain this to Mike, were he to walk through the door.

“Ummm…” The voice cracked, the tone guttural.

She feels a stirring as the warm body behind her presses against her thigh and drapes a leg over hers, the arm pulling her hard against his body. The total absence of fear will only resonate with her some hours later. She tells herself that this situation is spiralling out of control and she needs to get a grip before it devolves into something ridiculous.

“Finn”. She shoves him back playfully but her tone is firm.

“uhh ….oh fuck.” He rolls quickly onto his stomach, pushing his blushing face into the pillow.

She observes as he places his hands on the back of head and then brings his elbows forward so that his inked forearms lie on either side of his head. She marvels yet again at the complex patterns on his arms and reaches out to touch one, only just stopping herself just before her fingers graze his skin.

He pulls his upper body onto his forearms, freeing his head momentarily to speak.

“Shit Mae….I erm…” He blows his breath out deeply. “Fuck….I’d better be going.”

He brings his knees up under him and turns his body away from her as he attempts to stand in the most ungainly fashion to spare her blushes.

“Fuck.. fuck…” His hand automatically goes to his lower back as he doubles over grasping the window sill with his other hand.

Spontaneously, she rushes over and finds herself standing with her hand on his shoulder, her tone tender and compassionate. “Finn?”

His back judders under her touch with a jerky breath and he grunts. She leans forward and glimpses his closed eyes and face scrunched in pain. Unthinkingly her lips meet his cheek in a gesture of solidarity and comfort.

“Sorry Mae….jus’ give me a minute and I’ll be outta ya hair.”

“No Finn.” A tear rolls down her cheek in shame. “Please, please will you please stay, at least for a cup of tea.”

“I….it’s ok. The spasms will be gone in a minute. Must have laid on it funny like. Started after I crashed me scooter few years ago on some ice. Was a fuckin’ mess for a while as Chopper will tell ya given half a chance.”

His voice drops to a near a whisper, his tone soft: “Look, ya need ta know I’d love ta stay but……I…..I jus’ can’t.”

She winces as he sucks his breath in rapidly, allowing his head to hang low. He swallows with a grimace and straightens up, pressing a brief kiss to her temple, before hobbling over the floor to grab his jacket from the back of the chair. She’s too wrapped up in her own turmoil of contrition and accusations to realise that he’s already fumbling with the yale lock.

Near silent supplications of his name leave her lips in broken gasps when she comprehends he’s actually gone. In days to come, she will blame herself for every aspect of their interaction and his emotional and physical distress.

*************************************************************  
Choosing to stay at her mother’s for the duration of time off work, removed Rae from any perceived tensions back at home. She had worked extra shifts in the bar to raise the funds to afford the bus ticket home and some small gifts for her family. Her efforts had also provided her first opportunity to save some money. With a sense of pride and fulfillment, she had paid the cash into her bank account where she considered it safest from drunken plundering.

She sank into the saggy chair in Kester’s new office, which was only too reminiscent of the one she remembered from college days. A wry smile crossed her face at the scraggy cheese plant in the corner of the room and the large glass-framed black and white prints on the wall.

“So Rae….how’ve you been keeping since we met last?” He asked, steaming cup of coffee in hand.

“Yeah…good.” She said insincerely with a small shake of the head.

“OK…… that’s an auspicious start then.”

“What? Things have been fine.” She responded with a touch of venom.

“Ok, ok I believe you.” He said holding his hands up.

“You could have said that with more conviction.” She sniped back.

“You know Rae…. I get that this is hard for you. I get that you don’t want to be back here… that you see it as a regression. You think you’ve failed somehow. But I don’t see it like that. You came and asked me for help - that shows courage and tenacity. So….life has dealt you a difficult hand and you’ve had a whole heap of shit to deal with that…..”

He paused, implicitly attributing guilt to himself over the whole sordid and terrifying chain of events that had lead her back to his door.

“Well, anyone would have struggled with what you’ve been through. There’s no shame in that Rae. Do’ you hear me - no shame. In fact, I am incredibly proud of the way you’ve coped with such dignity so far, but that doesn’t mean we don’t need to work through it Rae. Otherwise some of that shit will fester and it will bring you down eventually, trust me. I only want to help you through this.”

“Dignity!” She snorted. “Not being able to cope with you fit boyfriend’s advances and freaking out on him is hardly dignified is it? Especially when you’re vile to him and leave him in tears thinking that you don’t want him. However many times he tells you that he’ll wait, however, patient he says he is…..what if it’s never enough Kester….what if I can’t ever….what if….fuck.” Her head fell into her hands.

“He’s said he’s prepared to wait - surely that’s good?” Kester asked tentatively.

“Suppose, but I might….I might never be able to ….with him….”

Kester took a deep breath. “Many people who have ….who have been through traumatic relationships do come through the otherside and can eventually move onto a loving relationship that is ….err …um sexually fulfilling.”

“Sexually fulfilling? Is that what everything revolves around then -  sex?”

Kester shook his head. “God no. There’s so much more to relationships than that as I’m sure you know. Love takes many forms Rae….some people have a deep kinship, some people’s relationships are primarily about the sex and some people find …what the general populace likes to term as “soul mates” - someone you connect with on so many levels. Relationships are about give and take, supporting each other, working on issues. And yes, they don’t always work out despite trying but that doesn’t mean that all effort is futile.”

She glared at him.

“I expect you’re not going to answer me on this but how…. how much does your boyfriend know?”

Her eyes dropped; biting her lip she forced out a pent up breath.

“I… um… he knows that I was……he knows the relationship was very much a negative thing….he knows….he knows that in…in certain situations that I’m afraid of him ….so ..well he’s bright and more than capable of putting two and two together…”

“What and getting 5?”

“NO….no… come on Kester……I think the fact that I run away from his…everytime he….fuck he knows I’m shit scared of having sex with him.”

“You’ve talked about it then?”

She shook her head trying to will the tears back into her eyes.

“Rae….nobody said this was going to be easy….but ….look do you think you could talk to him….open up a little maybe?”

She bit her lip hard and shook her head. “No…not to him.”

Kester observed in silence as she fidgeted with her hands in her lap and bided his time.

“I…. he ….he’s a really nice bloke. Good looking, well educated, bright and interesting… and he’s pretty cool too - not exactly every mother’s dream due to his tattoos and unconventional dress sense….but…..I know I should talk to him….but he….he deserves a happy, funny kind girlfriend who can be open with him, enjoy life with him and who …..who wants him as much he wants her…..”

Kester frowned trying to decode whether or what she was implying.

“So Rae… does this mean you don’t think that you are any of those things he deserves?”

“No…..yes…I mean…” She shrugged her shoulders in frustration.

“Sometimes being in a relationship with someone adds an extra burden - and to a large extent its a perceived burden…..we compare ourselves to some mythical ideal of what it should be like and ….and when it doesn’t meet those unattainably high standards we get down on ourselves…. Relationships need communication Rae…..it’s important for you to be able to talk to people and…”

“I tell Izzy and Chlo lots of stuff.” She interrupted defensively.

“Right…so are you saying this is an issue with men in general.. I mean from our last session, it’s completely understandable that you are physically afraid of men …and…”

“Not all men.” She counteracted.

“Well no, it would be normal to err…not fear all men such as constant figures in your life…your erm step-father for instance or ….but there are probably certain situations that will evoke the traumatic memories…..perhaps those situationally close to how the memories er..”

She shook her head. “No not always…” She looked up at him, pained expression on her face.

“There is someone….I er….I erm…I don’t flip out when he ….when he touches me or ..or anythin’…It’s …it’s just different with him…” She shrugged.

“It’s good you realise that you can trust a man Rae… I know it’s different in a friendship context but it’s a good start.”

Her face lined with a deep frown. “But…but I can …..he just accepts me for who I am ….he doesn’t ask, he’s just there and …..and he…..I can’t explain it but I feel completely secure with him…it’s… it’s more than that though…I just…. I just feel peaceful with him…”

“Ok this friend..” Kester raised his eyebrows. “Your feelings…I take it they’re entirely platonic and…”

“Of course… he’s got a girlfriend and I’ve got a boyfriend.” She interrupted with an obvious display of eye-rolling.

Kester decided not to inflame the delicate situation further and carefully ventured back towards the thorny and deeply distressing reason for her visits; to least discover whether she was ready to impart anything in addition to the very limited amount, which she had already divulged.

**************************************  
“Oh my god Chlo…I can’t wear that…I’ll look like a cross between Little Miss Sunshine and a confused My Little Pony!” She shrieked in horror at the outfit laid out on Chloe’s spare bed.

“For crying out loud Rae… you seen what I’m wearing? It’s very similar to yours…come on.”

Chloe dragged Rae by the hand into her room, revealing the pink leotard, orange net mini tutu and sweatband and the orange and pink striped legwarmers.

“Oh and I know you wouldn’t want to wear a pair of these” Chloe said waving a pair of bright pink stilettos at her friend: “So I suggest you stick with your blue converse.”

Having faffed around endlessly, Rae left Chloe’s flat sporting a neon blue tutu, black leggings, neon blue and yellow striped legwarmers and inimitable royal blue converse. She was relieved that there had no leotard to fight over, instead she had a white t-shirt with a giant rainbow on the front and a neon blue and yellow sweatband set.

“You promise everyone else will be dressed up? I don’t want to get there and find out that you and are are the only muppets dressed like neon fairies…. I mean you can hardly miss us.”

“I bought Izz the same outfit in pink and yellow and you’ll just have to wait and see the boys.”

“Hummm…you sure 80s night is tonight?”

“Rae stop worrying you’ll have a great night.”

She relaxed as soon as they entered the pulsing mass of colourful dancing bodies in the club. Izzy was easy to spot as she had added pink fairy wings to her outfit and was being given a piggy-back by Chop. The boys carried off their brightly coloured t-shirts and matching sweatband sets with arrogant aplomb.

Jim brought a jug of Tequila Sunrise and another of Moscow Mule to the table and proceeded to play mother, serving the cocktail of choice to each of the friends.

“Just give me a bit of both in the same glass…..drink’s a drink right!” Chop exclaimed.

“Errr Chop!” Izzy stuck her tongue out.

“They’re not meant to be mixed together you div!” Archie laughed.

“Fuck’s sake just give me a fucking drink….. it’s bad enough that I have to look like a prize bell-end in this get up…without having to drink naff cocktails.”

Mike laughed sonorously. “But it really suits you Chop-stick!”

“Fuck-off ….at least yours are blue and yellow…I’m wearing flaming pink!”

Rae was giggling at the banter when it finally dawned on her that someone, who should have been sat there grumpily ignoring her, was absent. And her heart sank a little, recalling their last exchange.

She was grateful that Chloe assumed the duty of  being the one to ask. “No Finn?”

Mike shook his head.

“Buggered off to London yesterday the twat.” Chop grumbled. “Fuck knows what’s got under his skin. I reckon he’s been sleeping back at S&N’s again, ‘cos I’m sure he didn’t come home the other night….”

“I thought he only did that when he needed headspace, and Laura’s in London right now….Please don’t tell me he’s gone to spend time with her again.” Archie pleaded.

Again, Mike was the one to shake his head. “Look I erm….he’s gone to spend some time working in Camden again. And I’m pretty sure Laura wasn’t on his agenda.”

“Right,… so when she calls demanding to know where the fuck he is….” Chop raised his eyebrows. “Come on you remember last time he went awol…we had to take the phone off the fuckin’ hook.”

The girls shared a confused look and Archie turned towards them.

“She didn’t take too kindly to the whole thing…showed up….created a scene…normal for Laura stuff really.”

Mike bit his lip. “I wouldn’t normally …but….Chop…you tell her he’s visiting his dad or …just make it up Chopper….”

“That’s alright for you to say…she’s not going to turn up on your doorstep in the middle of the night cursing and shouting.”

“If she does that, call me and I’ll come round and tell her where to get off the fucking merry go round…”

Archie’s jaw dropped in shock. “But you never….”

“No, I never get involved in other people’s relationships. You can’t help who you fall in love with but…but this time…..I don’t believe..” He sighed. “I know he’s not in love with her and if this continues god only knows what sort of car crash it’s going to end in.”

An eery silence descended over the group who started drinking along to the background noise of synth pop in an attempt to assimilate this information.

“Right people.” Chloe slammed her empty glass back on the table. “Who’s up for a dance?” She grinned.

Rae was grateful for Chloe and her ability to carry on, willingly taking Mike’s hand and allowing herself to be pulled onto the dance floor. They danced with joyous vitality as if that very moment could eliminate all the strains and toils of their mundane daily lives.

The group tumbled out of a pair taxis gone 2am. Chop fumbled with the lock, letting them into his house. He disappeared into the kitchen from whence came a loud crash before he emerged victorious with a bottle of Vodka.

“Right peeps….who’s up for voddy!”

Cheers all round heralded the start of a crazy drinking session. Somehow, the girls persuaded the boys to wear the tutus and dance together. Chop had Izzy’s on his head and Jim and Mike put on Chloe’s and Rae’s respectively.

Gone 4am, Izzy complained of feeling sick and Chop struggled up the stairs with his legless girlfriend. Rae insisted that Jim and Archie use Finn’s room, pleased that Archie comprehended her pleading look. By this stage, Chloe had passed out on one of the sofas. Mike, being Mike, wandered upstairs and set up the inflatable mattress in the weights room and carried up her prone form with ease, covering her with a blanket.

Rae looked up at him with her big eyes, extending her hand. “Thanks Mike….you know you’re a really good person don’t you?”

He blushed unable to meet her gaze.

“And you don’t look half bad in a tutu either.”

“What you insinuating missy?” He grinned.

“Nothing…ohhhhhh.”  She moaned as he sat down pulling her, onto his lap and into a kiss in a single movement.

The kiss was pleasant, his roaming hands inoffensive, and she could appreciate the appeal of his hard, muscular body. She convinced herself that the expected spark had simply been dampened by excessive alcohol and tiredness, not that it was absent altogether. Nonetheless, she pulled away in the pretence of being utterly plastered, allowing herself to curl up with her head resting on his broad chest.

She was first to rouse from the type of fitful, light slumber that invariably followed a heavy drinking session. She pattered tacitly towards the kitchen, stopping in her tracks to glance black at her sleeping boyfriend. He would be considered handsome by most; with this his tall yet well muscled frame and his shock of jet black hair, even if his beard and amazing collection of inked artwork weren’t to everyone’s taste.

Despite the mussiness in her head, she was racked with guilt, recalling her encounters with Finn and, for the very first time, trepidly ventured to ponder what her proclivities may be. For the merest instant she felt a warmth and security of unfathomable depth. But very quickly this sensation was replaced by a fire, whose flames she had to smother, for fear of being burnt.

Ever so quietly, she made herself a cup of tea, drinking it on the second smaller sofa. She once again stared at her good-looking boyfriend, asleep on his back. Last night’s tutu was still over his jeans and his vest had ridden up, exposing his lean stomach. And she chastised herself for ever even thinking, for considering, for…..and she knew what she should do.

Tea set down, she snuggled against his sleeping form, trying to subdue the nagging feeling as he grunted and clinched her tightly.

“Oh Petal…. oh…good morning.” He croaked, squinting with a cheeky grin on his face.

“Hi….. I take it you feel a bit like me….banging head, queasy ….and urghh?” She smiled.

“Hummm. But it’s all the better for waking up to your beautiful face.”

“Mike!” She slapped him playfully.

“Come here baby.”

He positioned her hard against him and started to kiss her gently at first, positioning her on top of him. She appreciated this new dynamic, feeling noticeably less perturbed by him pressing into her thigh. She leant back to look at his face and cupped his jaw, allowing her fingers to explore the texture of his beard before placing a kiss on his lips. She tangled her hands in his hair to deepen the kiss as he grasped her bottom and tilted her pelvis so that she could feel how much he wanted her.

A tension grew inside her as his hand slipped under the hem of her t-shirt and made its way up such that she flinched away slightly from his touch. He froze, almost recoiling from her.

“Petal?” His voice shaky and unsure.

“It’s fine Mike…your…your er hand’s a bit cold that’s all….come on kiss me Mikey boy.”

He paused before returning to their previous embrace kissing her slowly and deliberately. She relaxed a little, relieved that her untruth had remained hidden. Yet the aching inside would not be quelled, for quite the reverse; it was becoming evermore so troublesome.

“Oh Jesus….bloody hell you two….”

She leapt off Mike with an alarming alacrity on hearing Chop’s voice, a deep red blush colouring her cheeks betraying her on more than one count.

“Fuck off Chopper.” Mike barked.

“This is my house…..and yous lying on my settee….and you’re telling me to fuck off!”

“Bugger….my head is banging…..how much did I drink last night?” Mike groaned rubbing his head.

“Tea?” Chop asked.

Mike nodded and then frowned. “Where’s Rae?”

Chop shrugged. “She was here a second  ago……probably in the bog….you know what girls are like.”

“Right….well I better go upstairs….actually mate….can I use your shower?”

“Help yourself……don’t nick Finn’s spidey towel though!”

Mike smiled and then groaned as he heaved his frame up, making his way slowly up the stairs.

Rae emerged from the hall a couple of minutes later.

“You ok Raemundo?…Sorry I sort of walked in on yous”

“Nah don’t be Chopper…..it’s your house and….”

She couldn’t find any words, because to say anymore would be to express her gratitude for being given the excuse to curtail yet another embrace.

However, something about the manner in which she had fled triggered some subconscious notion, floating in the murky depths of Chop’s mind.

“Ummm Rae….things between you and Mike good?”

The pause before her response divulged far more than she intended, and was reflected in Chop’s confused and concerned expression.

“Durr ‘course…..why wouldn’t they be?”

“Look you knows you can talk to me if you ….well you probably have lots of people to talk to ….I know you’ve been through piles of shit ….and we’re all here for you….Izz, Chlo, Archer, me and Finny of course. Well, he would be if his grumpiness hadn’t fucked off to London again…but I know he would ..”

Chop shrugged and she had to question whether he was actually obliquely referring to something or just trying to be friendly.

“So….erm Chop…”

“Yes my dear?” He replied handing her another cup of tea.

“Do you really know what’s up with Finn….I mean why he’s gone?”

Chop shook his head sadly. “Nah…I just hope this time the bellend works out what the fuck he wants…..and I fuckin’ hope he realises what a toxic cow Laura is and gets the fuck rid. I know you shouldn’t talk about your mate’s girlfriend like that but as far as I’m concerned, the sooner he gets his head around how destructive their relationship really is, the better.”

************************************  
Rae had spent an afternoon shopping with Chloe and Izzy. It had been as pleasant as she could have expected. And whilst it was not especially personally fulfilling, it was gratifying and fun to spend time with her friends.

Chloe, as usual, seemed to have bought half of Miss Selfridge and Izzy had added to her ever growing collection of scarves and accessories. Rae’s money had remained safe in her purse as she had her eye on a couple of vintage albums that represented an extravagance that warranted saving for.

She sank onto a velvet sofa in the cafe chosen by Chloe and waited for her pot of tea to arrive along with Chloe’s hot chocolate and Izzy’s lemonade. Whilst they were waiting they flicked idly through the piles of colourful leaflets scattered across the table.

“Ooh look, there’s a rave night at Maxis…and they’re going to have foam!” Izzy exclaimed.

“We’ve got to go girls….can you imagine….lots of half naked men covered in foam.” Chloe joined in.

Rae rolled her eyes. “I can’t….It feels like I’m going to be working every shift between now and next year…and I certainly need to if I’m going to pay for all these trips back to mums and keep myself in clothes……and erm….I’ve been thinking of another tattoo.”

“What! You never said anything!” Chloe exclaimed.

“It’s just….you remember that girl I met….you know back in college days..in the mental home?”

Izzy and Chloe’s shared expressions reflected their consternation about the unhappy story and the long-lasting impact of the loss on their friend.

“It’s just I…well it’s coming up to ..to the anniversary again… and I thought…I thought about getting something really small to remember her by.”

“That sounds like a lovely idea Rae.” Izzy replied consolingly and confidently.

“Yeah.” Chloe agreed, but she couldn’t stop the question forming on her lips: “You going to ask Finn again or will you finally let that gorgeous boyfriend of yours put a needle to your skin?”

Rae frowned, for that possible question had never crossed her mind. The whole thorny internal debate dampened her initial enthusiasm for what had seemed like such a well considered certainty.

“Ohh I don’t know……it’s just an idea girls….I…I don’t …..” She fished around on the table picking up a purple leaflet, which attracted her both in terms of proximity and colour. “Oh look…. anyone up for ballroom dancing?”

Her rapid about turn seemed to have been lost on Chloe who grabbed the leaflet eyes wide.

“Oh my god -I’ve always wanted to have dancing lessons.”

Rae and Izzy shared a look of surprise.

“Chlo this is ballroom….you know poncing around the dance floor in heels along to some long forgotten granny waltz….or worse still the tango.”

“Oh Rae don’t be such a killjoy. Not cool enough for you is it? Well I’ve always wanted to dance in one of those beautiful dresses with all their sequins….ever since I was a small girl. I remember going on holiday with my grandparents and they took us to the ballroom in Blackpool…..you should have seen it….the dancers were so elegant…..and can you imagine all the lovely men in their smarts suits…..we’ve got to give it ago.”

Rae sighed, partially in frustration with the situation but also with herself for misreading her friend. She leant back allowing the conversation to wash over her, looking forward to drinks with Archie the following evening.

**********************************************  
She was slightly surprised when Jim opened the door. It wasn’t that socialising with her boss was in any way problematic, but her expectations of the evening had to alter radically, especially given they were both on shift from 9am the following morning.

“Hey Rae. Good to see you out of your uniform for once.” He leant in a kissed her on the cheek.

“You alright?”

Jim nodded. “Archie’s just in the shower. Can I get you a drink…G&T, wine or vodka?”

She pulled a face. “Vodka…if you’ve got any coke to go with it?”

Jim laughed and led her through to the living room. She kicked off her shoes and curled up on the sofa looking at the open book left on the table.

“Elliot…?”

Jim nodded “Mine…..though Archie seems to know a fair bit.”

She smiled as they fell into a natural discussion about The Waste Land and other Modernist poetry. Their discussion was so involved and animated that they didn’t notice Archie appear until he plonked himself down unceremoniously between them on the sofa, yanking them both into a hug.

“Music to my ears… a discussion on poetry….right more drinks people?”

The conversation and the vodka flowed freely for the next hour. Rae immersed herself back into English literature as if they had never been intellectually separated. It only fuelled her determination to return to the world of teaching. A world, that despite the great challenges it had presented, had brought her such fulfillment and purpose.

Their reverie was interrupted by a knock on the door, which Archie disappeared to answer. Jim and Rae were still deep in discourse when she heard his gruff tones emanating from the hallway and her chest tightened as she sought to overhear the words.

“Nah I shouldn’t….. no you’ve got visitors……I’m not in the mood…..it’s a pile of shit.”

Her feet took her of their own accord into the hallway but words failed her as she took acclimitised to  his dishevelled appearance with bruised circles under his eyes.

He immediately dropped his eyes and chewed the inside of his cheek.

The silence didn’t fool Archie as he glanced at first one, then the other. Something in their expressions suggested an incomprehensible emotional disquiet on both their behalves but he could not decipher if this was inter-related or whether it was some form of empathy. He anticipated that Finn was about to vanish into the rainy night, so hurriedly took a pace toward his friend, throwing his arm carelessly around him.

“Come on Nelson…..at least join us for one.”

“I…ummm….I’m not good company right now.”

“Finn?” Rae’s eyes brimmed with worry.

That’s when he took his first faltering step into the flat. Archie was astonished as he felt Finn’s arm around his back, walking them both into the living room behind Rae. Finn hesitated and then collapsed on the sofa, still adorned by his jacket and bag.

Jim met Archie’s eyes out of concern and question: the small look communicating everything that could not be vocalised. Archie fetched another glass and poured a long straight vodka, handing it silently to his friend. Glancing at the date on his watch confirmed his suspicions. Stilted conversation continued to flow around the mute Finn who was now downing his second drink. Archie prayed that his friend would say something before he was too inebriated to do so and observed in interested confusion as Rae removed the glass from his hand. And, instead of the expected prickly outburst that Finn was prone to, he simply turned to meet her gaze, bewilderment plain to read on his face.

“Come on Finn…might as well take your jacket off if you’re staying…..and I’ll see if young Archibald here possesses anything that could pass as music.”

As the first strains of Ride’s Nowhere album emerged from the speakers, Archie marvelled at the sight of his friend, not only removing his jacket and kicking off his shoes, but there was most definitely the flash of a small smile across his face.

“Good choice Mae.” Finn muttered.

She smiled back at him, seating herself next to him on the sofa.

Archie had to pour himself another drink, just in case he wasn’t already hallucinating, as the words proceeded to spill from Finn’s mouth.

“..’s the anniversary of me nan’s death today…. an’ I ….well it’s…I ‘spose I miss her…..She was always there for me and that….after me mum left …I don’t exactly have a good track record with women in me life do I …anyway I ….I jus’ feel a bit shit about me nan and that …an’ I haven’t been sleepin’ well too and it…it makes it all seem worse……fuck I needed that drink.”

“Oh Finn I am sorry”. Rae leaned over and hugged Finn.

Archie’s mouth was still hanging open when Jim started to speak.

“Right. Indian ok for you two? I can’t be arsed to cook.”

“But…” Archie was silenced by a sharp kick from Jim, who simply took his boyfriend’s hand and lead him towards the front door, kissing him before he could actually say anything.

Neither Finn, nor Rae noticed their hosts’ departure. Rae listened in silence as Finn spoke about his life with his beloved nan; how she had mothered him as a child, instilled in him the importance of being kind and considerate, gifted him a life-long love of music and helped him love again after his mother’s departure had broken his trust.

She pulled him into her arms when his tears began to flow, compassion entirely overriding rational thought and concerns. The gesture felt so natural and, in a strange way, she experienced inherent comfort in the action of her comforting him. His scent once again evoked a heady rush, and her breath caught in her throat, realising he was in her arms. She kissed his tousled hair before finally conceding to her desire to run her hand through it.

She felt his hands crumpling the material of the back of her shirt as he grasped onto while she rocked him softly, whispering soothingly into his ear. Eventually, he pulled back to gaze upon her, an unfathomable look in his eyes. He chewed the inside of his cheek and looked down before pulling his sweater over his head and throwing it silently in a crumpled heap on the floor.

“Oh Finn…you look exhausted…. and I know what it’s like not being able to sleep…but I know you will feel just a little better if you could get some rest…”

“Yeah I know Mae….sometimes it just ain’t that simple.” He grumbled.

“Come on …lie down and listen to the music it will help you relax…..just let me restart the CD.”

He lay back on the sofa, his feet propped up on the far end, leaving just enough space for her to sit. Except she chose not to sit where he had anticipated. For she gently lifted his head and placed in her lap and started to stroke his hair, and once again his pent up words began to flow in a torrent of emotion and hitherto unaired distress.

**  
Archie stopped before putting his key into the lock, for he could make out Finn’s low voice singing along with Rae’s clear high tone and he had stop in bewildered astonishment. He opened the door ever so softly. He and Jim peered in from the hall to observe a recumbent Finn, head in Rae’s lap, arm curled up holding Rae’s hand. She was looking down at him and the pair were singing, eyes scrunched up and smiling.

And then he had the first inkling, and he sore was afraid to enter his own living room and disturb the happiest looking Finn he had seen in months. But Jim took his hand and lead him on through. Much to Archie’s surprise, Finn simply turned his head and smiled without releasing his grip on Rae’s hand.

The take-away was accompanied by a further rounds of vodka, leaving the four even more relaxed in and in talkative mood. Finn changed the music a couple of times, earning raised eyebrows from Rae along with an extraordinarily unsubtly whispered “Seriously?” for his first attempt with Mansun’s “Six” to which he confidently retorted “Absolutely.”

As the evening wore on, Archie couldn’t fail to notice the little gestures and glances shared between the pair alluding to a bond, one which he could not yet unravel. However, this perturbed him far less than he believed it should for there was something innately reassuring and soothing about them that he dared not consider.

“Right….I’ve got to call it a night, if I have a hope in hell of getting out of bed in the morning.” Jim yawned rather too obviously.

Archie remained rooted to his chair.

“Bollocks.” Rae exclaimed looking at her watch. “How the fuck is it 1am already…getting up tomorrow is going to be horrible.”

“Well there won’t be any skiving will there young lady!” Jim joked.

“Arhhhh….right I erm I should get going.”

Before Archie could think, the words had left his mouth: “Just stay Rae and cadge a lift with Jim in the morning.”

She smiled graciously. “You sure?…. That’d be great…I am shattered.”

To which, Archie simply nodded.

“Right that’ll be my cue.” Finn stood up, retrieving his discarded jumper and pulling it on.

“Don’t be daft. I’ve got a sofa as well as a spare room….I don’t care who sleeps where…none of us should have stayed up this late on a school night….no need to add to the exhaustion by being polite….” Archie responded innocuously.

Archie wandered off with Jim leaving both Rae and Finn in shock.  

“Look I’d better go Mae…. ya get some kip…I’ve no’ got an early start in the morning.”

“No that’s not right. You’re exhausted Finn - you said you haven’t been sleeping well…please stay… I don’t think you should be walking home at this time of night in the rain.”

The strength of her assertion frightened her, and Rae turned away from him, fearing she’d either said too much, or possibly too little as he dragged his jacket back on.

“Finn….”  She uttered, grasping for his hand with her fingers, a desolate look on her face.

“Oh Mae….it’s alright.” He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly, dropping a kiss on her temple before whispering. “I was only going outside for a ciggie.”

She slapped him playfully on the arm… causing him to laugh as Archie reappeared with a sleeping bag and a pillow.

“That’ll be mine Archer. Ta. Bagsy the sofa….you can have the spare bed Mae.” With that he relieved Archie of the bundle, chucking it on the sofa before disappearing outside.

“Night Rae.” Archie hugged her. “Hope you sleep well.”

Rae returned from the bathroom to find Finn pulling off his boots and coat on the sofa. “Night Finn.”

He stood up, holding his arms out in invitation. She almost ran to close the distance, pressing her soft rounded body against his firm, defined one.

Such was his exigence to feel her closer, he almost squeezed the breath out of her, whilst rocking their entwined bodies from side to side. Exceedingly reluctantly, he loosened his hold, pulling his arms back slowly, but his fingertips refused to leave her skin, lingering on her arms.

His left hand reached to cup her cheek, his thumb stroking it soothingly and slowly.

“Sleep well girl.” He placed a single chaste kiss upon her plump lips. They remained foreheads touching, breathing each other in, until she finally kissed his cheek and wandered off towards the spare room.

It was gone three am, and Rae had still not fallen asleep, so she pottered out to the kitchen with the intention of getting a glass of water, whereupon she found Finn slumped over a cup of tea.

“Tea is not going to help you sleep at 3am Finn Nelson. You should know that.”

“I take it ya can’t sleep either?”

She shook her head forlornly. “It’s kind of par for the course with me though….either I am awake until god knows when worrying about what tomorrow will bring, or…..or I am that tired that I pass out immediately and……and I…..I get woken up by the nightmares…” She trailed off, wiping a tear from her face, unable to control her emotions such was her weariness.

“Oh…Mae.” And once again he was pulling her into his embrace. “It’s alright girl…I’ve got ya…..no need for these tears.”

His thumb soothed away the tears on one cheek and his lips brushed the other, leaving her with no comprehension as to whether this had been intentional. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear ever so tenderly before opening his lips to speak.

Yet nothing emerged for quite some time before he was finally able to articulate in his gruff tone.

“Umm…if it… if it would help…I ‘suppose we could eerm….we could share the sofa?”

He raised his eyebrows with the merest hint of a smile and she could not be certain whether he was nervous or being a touch suggestive. In her sleep deprived state, she decided this sounded like an eminently sensible suggestion and she nodded mutely.

She was missing his arms by the time she returned from the spare room with the duvet and pillow, only to find him sat inside the sleeping bag on the sofa.

“Finn.” She raised her eyebrows. “There is no need for doing your best caterpillar impression…It’s a double duvet and I’m not a cover hogger as I think….” She trailed off in apprehension of what had happened last time they had slept next to each other.

“So erm… how about we top and tail it?”

It was Finn’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Really Mae? Is that what you want…..because if it is genuinely is, I’d be more than happy but…..” and once again his words deserted him only too aware of where they were, and out of concern for preventing any unnecessary awkwardness.

She remained immobile, so he stood up, stepping out of the bag and held his shaking hand tentatively in her direction. A tingle passed through her as she accepted his hand, lying down next to him. For a second she remained still on her back, but resistance was futile and she turned to him, catching the expression in his deep warm eyes and found it mesmeric. His full lips pressed a single kiss against hers, before he pulled her closer to him and shut his eyes.

But it was mere pretence on both their parts. Each surreptitiously opening their eyes to glimpse the other, believing them to be asleep; until Rae finally caught Finn gazing at her, mouth slightly ajar. He bit his lip, pointlessly striving to consider their situation, before he strokes her cheek tenderly and his lips press another kiss against hers. When she doesn’t resist but reciprocates, he runs his tongue along her lips, causing her to part them in a breathy moan.

He silences her with a full-on kiss, all tongues and teeth, supporting her back with one of his arms lest the weight of his passion should force her off the sofa. He reluctantly falters back; breathless, lips swollen. Fire burns once more in his dark eyes. He takes the second pass slower; nibbling at her lips, her neck and her ears, delighting in the muted sounds of pleasure that escape her.

He meets her eyes again; only too aware of her heaving chest pressing against his own. His teeth catch his lower lip provocatively and he senses her shaky intake of breath. The kiss that follows is unrelenting, profound and searing, sending them both reeling. Her hands tangle roughly in his hair and he flings his left leg carelessly over her right, locking their hips together. As her hands round his pert derriere, lust trounces him and he flips her onto her back in a show of strength.

His pelvis grinds against hers, revealing exactly what his body desires. His mouth trails down her neck towards her collarbone, lips dragging languorously. While he nips and sucks at the sensitive nape of neck, her nails drag down his back. Her head thrown back, lips parted in silent ecstasy as she writhes beneath his hard body. When her lips finally meet his neck, he swallows thickly before slipping his hands under her arse. Attire may not have been shed, but he knows she can feel exactly what effect she has had on him. An unintentional low groan emits from his lips when he twists his pelvis against hers in a sinuous rhythm.

Their lips meet again, logic and thought long lost to the raging inferno burning between them. His teeth continually graze her lips as he parts his own to recover his breath without ceasing the kiss. A loud clunk from the bedroom compels them to finally pull apart. Her eyes wide with fear, concern and lust whilst he supports his body on his forearms. They listen for what seems like an age, but no further noises resound other than their short, shallow breaths.

The trance broken, he rolls off her, bringing her into his arms. He strokes her hair and drops a succession of kisses in it. Safe and secure in his arms, she relaxes and he lulls her to peaceful sleep with his deep and even breathing.

(It would only be some days later, with the clarity of hindsight and distance from the raging fire, that Rae would finally come to realise that she had not discussed her new tattoo concept with Finn. For at the time her every sense and thought had been consumed the energy and bond between them such that rational, calm collection had been destroyed.)  
***  
Archie followed Jim through to the kitchen yawning heartily. He stopped dead in his tracks when he caught sight of the pair of entwined bodies lying face to face on his sofa. He turned to Jim in consternation, who prevented him from going any further.

“It’s not right to judge Archie. If…..otherwise how will they ever know? And you know as well as I, you cannot help who you fall in love with.”

Jim silenced his boyfriend’s protestations with a kiss. But Archie knew.

What was most unexpected, was the lack of morning awkwardness. Rae and Finn had woken to the serious sound of radio 4 and Jim cooking breakfast.

The friends had sat around the table and eaten, discussing the day ahead and plans for the weekend. Not a single reference  or question had passed anyone’s lips as to why the pair had been sleeping together on the sofa.

In fact, the morning rush had constituted a cheerful affair, bar Archie’s usual complaints about having drunk too much the night before. Rae had hugged both Archie and Finn goodbye; the latter having pressed a somewhat lingering kiss on her cheek. Jim hadn’t even made the obliquest mention of the unusual sleeping arrangements on the way to work.

However, the shift had been trying for the pair of them, neither of whom had had sufficient sleep and both of whom were definitely feeling more than a little worse for wear. In one of the brief lulls between serving and clearing up, Jim had mentioned a trip he was planning in a few weeks’ time to Brighton for a weekend away. Co-ordinating his and Archie’s schedules had always proved more troublesome than expected and he was keen to ensure that she would be on hand to keep the temporary bar staff in order.

By the time she arrived home, her feet, back and head ached. Rae had a brief shower and settled on the sofa, Oasis playing in the background. The phone interrupted her progression from doze to sleep and she answered groggily.

“Hey Petal….just wanted to say Hi.”

“Oh hi.” She yawned.

“You ok?”

“Just knackered….was up till god knows when with Archie last night.”

“Oh I see. I was going to ask if you wanted to come to a late one at the Arts’ Cinema but…..I reckon you need your sleep missy.”

“Yeah…sorry Mike….I blame the voddy!”

“Like that was it? Look - you working on Saturday night…just Chopper wants to get us all together and try out a new club?”

“No ….that sounds like a great plan….I am working the lunchtime rush but that should be done by four. See you then, yeah?”

“Looking forward to it. Night petal.”

“Night Mike.”

She put the phone down and once again was infused with guilt. The feeling was incredibly intense and seemed to mature into something more sinister, something akin to an innate sense of foreboding. That night she  was deeply troubled and her sleep inevitably disturbed and unsatisfactory.

***************************************

Saturday was not a good day. Neither was it one of her worst days. Sheer exhaustion played its part along with the continued sense of premonition, which try as she might, she could neither fathom nor release.

She met Chloe for coffee before starting her shift but the anticipated convivial atmosphere had not materialised. Chloe was not on sparkling form despite her planned shopping trip. Rae found her to be a little maudlin and she worried that her old self-confidence issues were once again pushing to the fore. Chloe had never been without a boyfriend for this length of time. Admittedly, there had been a number of dates with questionable or unsuitable candidates who had simply served to add to her ever dwindling self positivity.

Rae tried to reassure her that she was, infact, an amazing person, a great friend and that the right one would come when she was least expecting him. But her soothing words seemingly fell on deaf ears as Chloe only responded by having a thinly veiled swipe at Rae and her harem - her gorgeous boyfriend, the man at the pool and her close friendships with Archie and Finn. Though she tried to hide it, a hint of jealousy flickered when it came to the subject of Rae being in a relationship. Rae’s attempts to divert the subject only protracted the tension between the friends.

Her shift was typical for a Saturday lunchtime: noisy, hectic and demanding. Having stopped to choose Chloe a new lip gloss on her way home, her head was spinning by the time she put the key in her front door. She placed her feet wearily on the table, listening to Bowie, cup of tea in hand, before deciding to call Izzy to get the low down on the new club.

“Oh Rae…it’s quite well…. dancy…you know a bit more ravey than the usual.”

“Well, what are you wearing then?”

“A white minidress and flowery tights I think…don’t know though…..Laura’s here and knowing my luck she’ll want to interfere.”

There was a moment’s silence before Rae’s lips deigned to work again. “Laura’s there?” Her tone shaky and uncertain.

“Yeah she showed up yesterday unannounced…..even took Finn by surprise.. oh Rae….don’t tell Chop I said anything but she’s really making her presence felt… I don’t know what’s going on but she turned up with a carload of stuff and has been busy barking orders trying to get us to help her bring her stuff in and sort it out. “

“She’s moved in?” Rae nearly choked on her own breath.

“I don’t know. Finn’s hardly said a word about it and Chop’s pissed off because it’s his house….. oh Rae I wish you were here..” Izzy sighed. “Finn’s spent most of the day smoking outside or arguing with Laura….well, apart from when they were shagging…..and Chop has been narky with the pair of them…. and much as I like Finn …I’m with Chop on this.”

“Oh Jesus…. I don’t get Finn. Sounds like he’s acting like a right twat. You know what -  I’d just ignore him and Laura, and you two have a wonderful night out with us and forget about that perfect pair of dicks.” Ire resonated throughout her tone and her words were barbed with cynicism.

The conversation ended with agreement over the details of their later pre-club rendez-vous.  
Rae wandered to the fridge and opened a can of cider before getting into the shower. However, she could not decide what to wear, her old demons returning and taunting her about her appearance and whether she was worthy of Mike. Some twenty minutes later, she was still wrapped in a towel, cold and dripping on her bed as her thoughts whipped up turmoil in her mind. They had invaded and taken control to the extent that she had no concept of how long the phone might have been ringing when she finally picked it up in shaking silence.

“Rae….petal you there?”

“Are you there? Hello?”

“Hi” She croaked in a whisper.

“You ok petal?”

“Umm…. I don’t feel too good….I erm…”

“What is it? Please …Rae.?”

“I erm……look I ..I’m going to have to give tonight a miss. S-sorry Mike.”

“What’s wrong petal…you’re starting to worry me?”

“I….I….I’m just not feeling very well.” She prayed that her lie would be forgiven.

“Oh bless you. Shall I come round?”

“No, no you go and enjoy your night out.”

“I really don’t mind and I’d rather…”

“NO!” She interjected with an alarming firmness.

“Oh…erm…ok then. If there’s anything I…..Rae I…what’s wrong ?”

“I said I was feeling ill. I am. So please go out and enjoy yourself with the others, right.”

He sighed. “Rae, have I done something?”

“I’m not feeling well Mike, please don’t read things that aren’t there into this - please for me.”

“I….I…..look please…please don’t shut me out.” His voice cracked, and she detected a hint of tears.

“Mike I am not feeling well. I am exhausted. We can talk tomorrow but I promise you I just need to sleep ok. Nothing else .” Her answer firm and resolute, yet the tremor in her voice betrayed the uncertainty inherent in her words.

“I see. Well …I suppose we’ll…. tomorrow then………….” She heard him swallow and take a deep breath. “Good night then petal.”

He had put the phone down before she even had a chance to respond.

Rae sank into the sofa, automatically pulling a cushion to her chest. Without comprehension, she allowed the tears to fall freely down her cheeks to the sound of the Stone Roses. The tears became sobs and she buried her face in the cushion. The needle had come to the end of the vinyl by the time her body had stopped the wracking motion and the tears dried. She held the cushion tight against her body as numbness crept in obliterating her distress and replacing thought with paralysis.

She was still sat there staring ahead an hour later when the violence of her shivering and shaking body finally persuaded her into action and she crept into bed.The following day hailed no significant change. Her attempts at revival with tea and breakfast failed. She dragged her duvet to the sofa, ignoring the ringing phone, choosing to focus on the radio instead. She was not able to bring herself to play another record.

Come mid-afternoon, she realised that her evening shift would be impossible and was forced to call in sick. She was grateful that it hadn’t been Jim who’d taken the call. Finally, she managed a bowl of cereal and curled up on the sofa with the television providing background noise. The ringing of the phone reverberated through her head and she founds its cheery ring so intolerable that she pulled the wire from the socket returning the flat to stillness.

Mid afternoon she surrendered to exhaustion and bed. But her slumber was interrupted by a repeated thudding on her door. She was surprised to find it half light, wandering out to see who on earth was behind the infernal racket at such a shocking time of day.

“Jesus Rae….. thank fuck.”Archie threw his arms around her.

“Archer…… to what do I owe this pleasure?” Her own energy levels surprised her.

“Christ Rae…. we’ve all been so worried…. Fucking hell we’ve all been trying to call you since yesterday afternoon.”

“There’s no need. I was just feeling ill. Quite why you felt the need to come around at this ungodly hour of the morning…”

“Rae it’s nearly 4 pm for god’s sake…you’ve been uncontactable for over 24 hours….do you have any idea?”

She was about to make a snarky retort but then glimpsed his expression and his words finally sunk in.

“Hang on…did you say it was 4pm?”

He nodded. “Mike’s been going out of his mind. He…he thought….”

“Oh fuck…I’ve been asleep for over 24 hours. Bloody hell I had no idea…….God I am so sorry.”

Archie’s arms were around her again. “Thank fuck for that.”

They talked in hushed tones for a while when it hit her that she had missed another day’s work, which couldn’t be made up due to an appointment with Kester the following day. Inevitable self chastisement for how she had left things with Mike followed. Hence she immediately reconnected the phone, calling her boyfriend at S&N’s, who was only to relieved to accept her instant invitation. However, she had insisted that Archie should not leave.

The evening was spent with Rae propped between her understandably clingy boyfriend and her gooseberry friend on the sofa. They’d drunk beer, her hand in Mike’s whilst Archie cooked her a nourishing meal. Somewhat awkwardly, they had ensured she had showered and gone to bed before leaving her to sleep’s mysterious arms once again.

****************************************  
Rae snuggled up to Mike on one of the club’s sofas. He was exhausted having been tattooing a huge back piece, bent over his client for several excruciating hours. He slung an arm around her and kissed her cheek in the hope of a response. He had been only to happy to collect Rae from her mother’s but her continued distance bothered him. And yet, midweek they had spent a wonderful evening in the cafe drinking and discussing books. Romantic wouldn’t have been quite the word, but he had been buoyed as it been obvious that she cared about him. He had raised the temperature of the kisses they shared, which had initially been reciprocated, but, as had become par for the course, Rae had put a halt to proceedings before either of them removed too much clothing.

The group of friends, who were in particularly high spirits, danced energetically, partying off the strains and stresses of a hard working week. On the sofas, Rae breathed in Mike’s scent and ran her hand soothingly down his arm. She had been considering suggesting that they might dance when she noticed a presence on the sofa on the far side of the table. Finn was slumped alone rolling up a cigarette. She turned to look at him and his posture niggled something in the back of her mind.  He smoked, head tilted back on the sofa, exhaling soulfully towards the ceiling and following the train with his eyes. It was patently obvious that he was deliberately ignoring her.

Rae’s finger stroked Mike’s furthest cheek, turning his face towards her. She leant in, kissing him lasciviously in a very obvious public display of attention. The kiss was only broken when the others returned from the dancefloor and Chop shouted “Bloody hell Raemundo.”

She gazed up and smiled at her friends, only to look around and discovered he was no longer there and the gnawing pain began in her stomach. The barman brought over a tray of shots and a single pint of dark liquid. Tray set down, he picked up the pint and handed it to her with a wink.

“Go and get that idiot to play some decent tunes will you… this shite is doing my head in!”

She laughed, allowing him to help her stand. Music was her thing, her solace and she confidently crossed the dance floor to request a litany of solid tunes to keep them going for a good half an hour. As she pushed through the seething mass of bodies upon her return, a trio of figures caught her eye. A petite heavily tattooed girl leaning provocatively against a tall blonde broad shouldered man, whose hand was around her waist. The third figure was leaning against the wall, one knee up, pint in one hand, smoking awkwardly with the other.

She had no time to contemplate the uncomfortable dynamic as her friends encircled her and started dancing with loud whoops of joy, thrilled with the top tunes. They owned the dancefloor, with the masses moving aside for this energetic crowd who were joined by the barman who had climbed out over the bar for “You’ve got to fight for your right to party.”

A flagging Mike grasped her arm, whispering in her ear that he needed to sit down and suggesting that she stay. But her sense of duty prevailed and she followed him back to sofas much to chagrin of her other friends.

“Look petal…I know you want to dance…just go back it’s fine. I’m a touch stiff that’s all. I need a breather….turning into an old man me.”

“It’s fine…I’m your girlfriend. I should stay with you.”

They bickered gently for a couple of short minutes when Mike stood up and then suddenly grabbed his lower back.

“Oh bollocks….” He was about to sit again when he saw Finn. “Aha just who I need. Nelson - will you take my girl and dance with her…. she’s chosen the tracks for the rest of the night and deserves to have a bit of fun….”

“You erm okay Mike?” He muttered.

“Yeah commission took it out of me today…. “

“How long did it take ya in the end?”

“8 hours….. My hands… my back .. you know what it’s like…. and Rae deserves to dance…..would you?”

Finn bit his lip and sighed, waving his head slightly from side to side.

“I’m fine Mike. I don’t need to ….” Rae interrupted the silent exchange between the two men.

“Rae do ya wanna dance…honestly?” Finn raised his eyebrows at her.

She bit her lip and was considering her reply when his hand grasped hers pulling her onto her feet. She noticed Mike whisper in Finn’s ear before she was taken her back to their friends: Finn placing her between himself and Archie. Her mind quickly became absorbed as the music took hold and the pleasure of dancing temporarily erased those things that had been subconsciously troubling her for some days. The friends formed a circle, arms around each others shoulders, jumping first clockwise and then anti-clockwise around the barman, who had apparently given up working for the night.

She had no concept of how much time had passed when the tempo of the music finally slowed. The laughter and cheers of her friends had conquered and consumed all the negativity and self doubt that had plagued her so viciously all week. She observed her friends all pairing up to sway to the new music and confounded herself by taking Finn’s hand. He placed one hand chastely on her waist and took the other in his, maintaining an appropriately respectful distance between their bodies as he navigated them inbetween the others.

She finally dared look up and her hair swung in front of her eyes. For the first time that evening, she saw a smile cross his lips as he tucked her hair gently behind one of her ears. Their eyes finally met. She discovered his ablaze with such intensity that she had to look away lest she lose control. Relief flooded her when the song came to it’s conclusion and he lead them back to the sofas; only to find that Mike had gone.

Comfortable silence surrounded them as they sat shoulder to shoulder sharing her snakebite fingers deliberately lingering as the glass passed between them. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt an unfamiliar sensation on her right thigh and glanced down to see his fingers forming letters. YOU OK?

Her right hand sought out his left leg for her response. OK. A tingle spread through her entire being as he traced the next message, which she had to concentrate to decipher. I’VE BEEN WORRIED.

WHY?

His finger started on a higher trajectory and then stopped as he pulled her into a hug. His musky scent threatened to completely overturn rational thought and decision when Chop’s loud voice rang in her ears and he slid down the back of the sofa between them.

“Room for another one?” He winked at her.

She frowned, partially grateful for his preventing something that shouldn’t be happening, but also trying to process the motivation behind his move. Seemingly out of nowhere, Laura appeared with the blonde man and their group of friends.

“Well just look at this.” Laura stated. “Is that why you’ve been so off with me all evening Finny…Because you want…”

“Laura.” He growled.

“Well Finn? How come you get to touch who you want and especially if it’s someone like…”

“Come here then.” He interjected a touch of menace into his tone.

“That’s not how it works and you know it Finn.”

“Right who’s for more drinks then people…..Voddy? Bacardi….?” Chop’s overly cheerful tone betraying his attempt at diverting attention.

Rae was aware of Mike sitting down on the arm of the sofa next to her as Laura opened her mouth again.

“Shut the fuck up Chopper” She spat out. “I want to hear what idiot boy’s got to say for himself ….. because he refused to dance with me and then I found…..”

“Laura just cut it out. If you can’t be civil then …” Mike shrugged.

Laura glared at him. “Yeah Mr Goody-too-shoes….I would have thought you might be interested to know that my boyfriend, who has solemnly refused to dance with me all night was dancing with YOUR girlfriend.”

Mike’s face was a picture of calm disdain. “That would be because I asked him to ….” He may have sounded self assured but Rae detected the slightest notion of a tremor.

“Piss of Mike…you’re just far too nice and…”

Laura was cut off by Finn pulling her roughly onto his lap, meeting her lips with a furious kiss.

“Urgh God… that’s it …. more drinks people.” Chop stated as Finn pushed Laura hard against the arm of the sofa.

Rae followed her friends to the bar, leaving only Archie and Jim behind. Having downed their next shots, they made their way onto the dance floor and she turned intending to wave Archie and Jim to join them but caught site of Laura sitting across both Finn and the blond man’s laps and wave after wave of nausea hit her. She grabbed Mike’s drink, knocking it back in one and pulled him onto the dancefloor.

She permitted herself to dance with him, in manner that she had never found comfortable, melding their bodies at the hips. Mike was somewhat taken aback but relaxed into the dance as she started to kiss him.

Finn glanced up as Laura started to kiss John, only to see Rae dancing with Mike as they had once danced in the studio, and he desisted from fighting the numbness that was seeping into his being. Instead, he willingly took Laura’s other hand as she walked him and Andy out of the club.

Nonetheless, a part of him wanted to turn back and see her once more, but he wouldn’t turn. It was as if he were to look back, he would lose her to the underworld forever.

************************************  
Chop woke with a banging head at half past three to the sound of someone having a shower. He groaned and pulled the pillow over his head and tried to settle back down, spooning against his pretty girlfriend. But it was to no avail for some twenty minutes later he rolled onto his back and groaned; there was only one thing for it - peppermint tea. He was perplexed that the shower was still running and crept his way downstairs.

He was immersed in the ritual of dunking the bag up and down with the spoon in the boiling water when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He turned to find a soaking Finn, towel around his waist, heading for the table where his tin of tobacco lay.

“Finn…..that you in the shower?”

“Ummmm” He grunted.

“It’s ten to flipping four in the morning ….the fuck is going on?”

“Is there a problem with me using the shower?”  Finn snarled.

“Hey hey Nelson no….it’s just.” Chop paused to watch his friend in the all too familiar ritual of rolling up, noting the distinct shaking of his hands.

“You can’t go outside like that.” Chop stated as Finn stood up with his roll-up. “Just have it inside will you…….”

Finn nodded gratefully, eyes cast to the floor.

“Finn….mate what the fuck happened to you this evening?”

“I…..I sort of …. we erm left the club early.” He lit his cigarette gingerly.

“What you and Laura?”

Finn nodded regretfully. “And Andy.”

Chop’s eyes widened. “You mean…..” He paused trying to comprehend exactly what was being said or intimated.

“You mean……”

“They’re asleep in me bed.”

“Did you …..is that why….”

Finn nodded biting his lip.

“All three of you?” Shock evident in Chop’s voice. “I can’t believe…”

“It’s only sex Chop.” Finn muttered.

“Right mate and that’s why you spent over half an hour in the shower at gone three am…”

Finn swallowed. “I…..it’s just I didn’t …. I wanted ta …..ta wash it all away. Me skin just felt so…..so dirty.” Tears ran down his face.

“I don’t get it Finny boy….I mean we were all having an ok time, I know Laura was being a bit narky about you dancing with…”

That, which had been staring Chop in the face for quite sometime, hit him so hard, he was left needing to sit down.

“Oh shit….you must really love her.”

Finn grunted and tried to find the right words. “Thing is Chop, I don’t….and I don’t get why I’m still with her and everytime I…. I ‘spose my track record with the women in me life is shite and…”

“I wasn’t talking about Laura.”

Finn looked up with eyes blown wide in shock. Chop knew.

Chop thought Finn looked like a lost child, utterly bewildered and helpless facing the implication of what he had just made him face. He pulled Finn into a hug.

“It’s alright Finn. But this stops right here.”

“But I never would of…”

“Listen to me will you you knobhead…..I meant the shit that has gone on tonight. Treating yourself like shit…..it’s not ok Finn…. your motives may have been very noble but….you’re jus’ hurting yourself and I…..you can’t let her use you like that……this has got to be the end….do’you hear me?”

Finn’s head hung in ignominy.

“Ya know what happened when I tried last time…..”

“Well this time I’ll fucking kick her out if I have to Finn. I mean it. This can’t go on…..and as for ….I think….I think yous need to talk. ‘cos from where I’m standing …….”

“Don’t say it Chop. I know… I know she’s got a….”

“That’s as maybe but…..fuck this is going to be messy mate…..but I think….I think she might just…..but she hasn’t realised it yet.”

And so the subject was left. The friends sat under a sleeping bag discussing their school days and families until the watery dawn finally broke.


	11. Disintegration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has all the usually trigger warnings for abuse - mental verbal, physical and the other….. There are flashbacks and OCD, and PTSD and lots of other nastiness. There is mention of people harming themselves by consenting to sex with people they don’t like.  
> Please let me know if you want to be tagged.  
> As a warning - part 12 is brutal but it is the low point and ends with hope.

She awoke with heavy heart; eyes bloodshot, pain shooting through her head. With some trepidation, she surveyed the room and was relieved to find that she was alone. She wearily swung her legs to the side of the bed and sat up, only to be hit by blinding agony, feeling as if her brain had hit and bounced off her inner skull.

The nausea rapidly develops into retching and she finds herself with head over the toilet, losing some of the previous night’s excessive alcohol consumption. She groans loudly, her palm massaging her forehead in a misguided attempt to soothe the banging. She swears she’ll never ever drink again, never touch another drop if this perdition will just cease.

Two hours later and she’s only managed to keep down a pint of water. She curls up on the sofa and observes rather than watches daytime TV through bleary eyes. She chastises herself for her current state as she only has herself to blame. After Finn had left the club, she had poured snakebite after snakebite down her throat. And that’s where her memory becomes pretty hazy. She’s fairly sure that Mike had brought her home, however, she considers it odd that he hadn’t stayed given his previous form.

And that’s when it strikes her with blunt force, for there is a very clear and justifiable reason why Mike is not present in her flat. The minutiae of what was said escapes her fuddled brain but there is no doubt she was the one shouting; the one arguing back. Now, she can recall how hurt he’d looked, how he’d pleaded with her to allow him to deliver her home. But she discerns she must not have backed down, which is why she is currently alone.

She sighs and allows her head to fall back down onto her hands. She realises that she has a lot of sorrys to say if she is to appease herself, let alone attempt to make things up to Mike. The ridiculous thing is that she simply can’t remember how on earth the row had started let alone evolved, but she’s certain it had nothing to do with Finn. And for that at least, she’s grateful.

**********************************  
Rae stacked the glass washer yet again, regarding it as penance for upsetting her lovely boyfriend two nights ago. She had finally plucked up the courage to call him and plead the truth - that it was all alcohol related, but had been horrified to find that although his words may have been calm and welcoming, his tone entirely comprised hurt.

He had accepted and understood that she had been seriously inebriated, which had affected her actions. Yet she hadn’t been able to explain why she’d told him not to walk her home, that she was fine and didn’t need any help and could he please not touch her. But her reaction to his following her down the street to ensure her safe passage was completely unacceptable even given she had been utterly paralytic; for she had accused him of being a stalker, up to no good and had screamed at him to “piss off”.

“Mortified”, she surmised, was insufficiently strong to describe quite how appalled she was at her own behaviour. Mike had graciously agreed to put her outburst behind them and made the right sort of noises about the date to the cinema she suggested. She was imagining ways to ameliorate the planned night for him, with a trip to a jazz cafe, and perhaps some flowers when she heard Jim’s voice:

“You look like you’re off with the fairies there. Penny for them?”

“I err….just thinking about what I am going to do with Mike this week.”

“Oh right…I see. Is it a special occasion?”

“Nah….just well….we er….I ..” Her head bowed in shame as the words shakily left her lips. “I erm….we might have had a bit of a row and I wanted to make it up to him.”

Jim pursed his lips. “I see.”

“So I was thinking of how to make our date an extra special night -  do something that he’d really like.”

“You know something Rae….” Jim paused to summon up courage before continuing: “I think what Mike would really like……above anything else….would just be to spend some time with you ….and do the things couples do - talk, laugh, kiss and discuss all sorts of random shite. You don’t need to go anywhere special to do that.”

“Yeah - of  course I know all that Jim, but I just think it would be….more…..more creative, if we were to go and see a band or an offbeat film or something.”

“What? It’d give you more to talk about?”

She nodded automatically before quickly trying to retract her gesture with words. “No I didn’t mean…I mean we already have plenty to talk about…..we discuss loads of things and really enjoy each other’s company.”

Jim instinctively comprehended that  he needed to lower the heat or possibly suffer unintended consequences : “I never said you didn’t enjoy each other’s company…….Rae you don’t have to answer me…..but I’d like to ask you something…” His tone exceptionally tentative.

“Of course you can ask me anything Jim - we’re mates aren’t we?” She snapped.

Jim raised an eyebrow. “Ok…… are you in love with Mike?”

Indignant rage marred Rae’s pretty face. “How can you ask that? How is that any of your business Jim?…..But just for the record….yes I love Mike.”

Jim allowed her some moments to simmer down, buying them both much needed breathing space before stating what he felt really needed to be said: “Loving someone and being in love with someone aren’t the same thing.”

With that he wandered off to change a barrel, leaving Rae perturbed and angry in the bar. Jim’s words had cut deep into something raw, unexplored and , as of yet, indeterminate inside her. Something that frightened her in a way she had never experienced before.

*************************************  
It was once again the weekend, a time for laughter, joyous merriment, alcohol induced antics and dancing. Except that this was no ordinary weekend. For the friends had not managed to co-ordinate time off - with Izzy and Rae working all day Saturday and Jim on the night shift. Spirits were flagging after an extraordinarily busy few weeks of a merry go round of parties, clubbing and socialising, all whilst holding down jobs and keeping body and soul together.

Rae arrived alone at Chop’s, cider and cakes in hand for Mike was working late on the Saturday afternoon drop in sessions at S&N’s. Her feet were barely over the threshold when her friends piled into the hall to give her a group hug and get the party started.

“Ah Raemundo….just who we need….get to the decks and play us some decent tunes.” Chop grinned as he pulled back from the hug.

“Alright…alright..jus’ let me get me coat off and get this lot sorted.” She responded gesturing to the cans and large tin in her arms.

“Have you made some of your delicious cupcakes Rae?” Izzy smiled.

She nodded “Two batches - one chocolate and one mini victoria sponge cakes….thought we all could do with some cake!”

“Brilliant Rae…..I bloody love cake…..though Jim’ll be peeved he missed these. I know it’s par for the course when you run a bar, but I miss him when he’s not around at the weekend.”

“I know Archer but at least you’ve got your weekend away to look forward to.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively causing Archie to give her a playful slap on the arm.

She wandered into the kitchen, opening a can of cider.

“Oh god Rae….I don’t know how you can drink that stuff. I much prefer wine these days.” Chloe was already sipping a glass of white.  
“Well some of us aren’t quite as sophisticated or cultured as you!” She replied embracing her friend: “You good Chlo?”

“Yes…well…yes.” Chloe looked around to make sure the others weren’t in earshot before continuing: “I know it’s sad but I’m really fed up of being single and I’m also ….just a bit bored to be honest….you’re all in relationships and I feel like a complete lemon sometimes when I’m around you.”

Rae paused to think. “Do’you know what I think you should do?”

Chloe cocked an eyebrow, hand on hip.

“I think you should go to those ballroom dancing lessons….you’ll meet new people have some fun…it’ll be great.”

Chloe bit her lip and made a show of fluttering her lashes. “I don’t know if I’m brave enough to go on my own though.”

“Oh no…..no, no and no…..”

“Go on, pretty please.”

“I have two left feet when it comes to these things and well….” Rae scabbled round for a decent reason. “Look it doesn’t work well with my shift patterns….I’d miss half the classes and ….look why don’t you ask Izzy?”

“I suppose…..but I’m not sure that Chop’d be best pleased……he’s been so busy recently and….look I’m being silly, I’ll just go on my own….it’s fine honestly.”

Suddenly, a solution became apparent to Rae, for there was someone she knew who would really enjoy the classes and would look after Chloe too.

“Well…..how about you ask Mike then?”

Chloe frowned. “But Mike’s your boyfriend.”

“I know but he’d absolutely love it and it’s not my thing so…..” She shrugged. “I don’t see why you two couldn’t go together. I mean lots of men and women are friends and you can have great platonic fun together.”

The irony and significance of her words would only reveal themselves to her some days later.

Mike turned up an hour later, looking tired but happy. He drew Rae into his arms and she hugged him generously. Beers were in full flow; Chloe and Izzy were trying to watch a film whilst Chop and Archie were having a Malteser flicking competition and quarreling over who scored the winning shot each time, when it finally struck Rae that one of their number was missing.

“Mike……where’s Finn?” Perplextion evident in her tone.

“Oh…he’s in London.” He replied with a furrowed brow.

“What down there playing hooky with Laura again?”

“Oh petal - no….” He pursed his lips. “I assumed Archie would have told you, or Chop at least….He erm finally finished things with her last week….and as could well have been anticipated, it wasn’t pretty…… in fact Chop had to drag her out of here after she threw an ashtray at him and then lamped him.”

“Oh Jesus.” Her voice, all tentative, near a whisper in pitch. “He’s ok I take it?”

“Well yeah. I suppose so petal. He had to stay at Archie’s for couple of nights but she showed up there and screamed profanities at him when he declined to talk to her. So he’s gone to London to stay with an old mate. He’s not devastated or anything…. he most definitely wanted the split but …you know what Laura’s like…her words are barbed and she said some particularly cruel and vicious things.”

“Poor Finn. That’s horrible.”

“My sentiments exactly .” Mike stopped sipping his wine to look at her properly. “You cold petal?”

“Me…no I’m fine.”

Mike tilted his head and raised a quizzical eyebrow: “But you’re shivering Petal….. come here.” He pulled her into his arms and soothingly stroked her back in a partial attempt to warm her up.

“You sure you’re ok…I mean your skin is pretty cold and you’re looking very pale.”

“Just tired as normal…you know me.”

“Here have my shirt … you know I run hot.” With that he gracefully undid his buttons and handed her his checked shirt, to remain somewhat incongruously in a white vest, his jeans and his ubiquitous beanie.

As he stood there, concerned look on his face watching her putting on his shirt, for the first time, Rae understood that all wasn’t what it seemed in their relationship. She could appreciate the lean contours of his body and the defined muscles of his arms and back. His tattoos were striking and bold in terms of both colour and coverage and they very much became him. For someone who looked like a bearded rocker, a member of a biker band (and that wasn’t to say that he didn’t enjoy his metal) he certainly had unexpectedly broad and varied cultural tastes.

As she permitted herself to be swept back into his arms, she inhaled deeply. But it was not a scent that rendered her lightheaded or dizzy, for it was the smell of comfort. She pressed her head into his chest and sighed. When he pulled back to gaze into her eyes, hers momentarily fluttered shut as she gathered her resolve. She didn’t resist his kiss, instead choosing to be drawn in by it as if searching for the elusive something that seemingly kept on evading her when it came to Mike.

*********************************  
Rae sat on her mother’s sofa, nursing her second cup of tea and her third wagon wheel. She wondered where the hell Chop had got to. He should have picked her up an hour and half ago. Mike had dropped her off but hadn’t been able to stay as he had bookings all afternoon.But Chop had promised he’d be finished by three and so would collect her at four thus there was no need for her to make the arduous bus journey home.

Her mother was singing along to some pop chart shite on the radio in jolly fashion, which only served to make her even more tetchy. Normally, she might make light of this and laugh or, god forbid, even join in, but it had been a torrid few days with the anniversary of Tix’s death presenting her with a reminder of how far she’d come but also how far she’d fallen.

She was rolling her eyes, head in her hands when she finally heard the knock on the door. She stalked into the hallway, relieved to have her ticket home, opening the door with a grateful smile on her face.

“CH…….oh.” She trailed off in trepidation.

For the disheveled man the standing in front of her, was in no way Chop. The man standing in front of her possessed deep dark circles under his eyes, to compliment a nasty bruise and cut on one cheek and a healing but still raw looking split lip. His eyes dropped to the floor as soon as she caught his gaze and intuitively she recognised his perceived shame. Instinctively, she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear:

“Oh Finn.”

Her hand ruffled his hair as she stroked his back soothingly. Quite unannounced, he pulled her into his arms, holding her as close as he dare such that his body may cease its trembling.

He remained mute, following her into the living room to collect her bag whilst she said her farewells. However, Finn’s disordered appearance was not lost on Linda who dragged her daughter into the kitchen on the flimsy pretence of giving her some supplies to take home.

“What has the cat dragged in?” Linda’s attempt at being conspiratorial utterly bypassed Rae.

“The fuck do we have a cat.”

“I mean…..what has happened to him…looks like a fight Rachael…….may I be so bold as to suggest you might want to choose your friends a little more carefully…. these tattooed types…”

Linda’s muttered rant was cut off by her daughter’s plain and bold response: “Piss of mum” Followed by: “Sorry …what I meant was you can’t just stereotype people by their appearance mum, please. He’s genuine, kind bloke who is driving a thankless 2 hour round trip just so that I can visit Kester….. so can you please just let it be.”

Linda looked as if further derogatory comments were about to spew forth from her lips, but for once, she prevented herself from saying anything further, simply deferring to her daughter with one of her “If you think you know best” looks.

Having said goodbye to her mother, Rae climbed into the car alongside a still silent Finn. They had travelled a mere few yards down the road, when Finn conceded defeat, lighting up with a shaking hand. She watched the now familiar ritual; the way he allowed some of the smoke to curl out of his lips before he sucked it in deeply and then exhaled it skywards in a smooth train.

She scrabbled around on the floor in search of a cassette of some sorts; finally locating a box under her seat. She popped its contents straight into the slot without even having consulted the scribbles on the paper sleeve. As the first notes Oasis’ “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” sounded, Finn sighed , a tear running slowly down his cheek. She placed her hand tenderly on his shoulder.

“Oh Finn…” She began softly and swallowed. “I am so sorry about you breaking up with Laura.”

A sound somewhere between a grunt and a choke emanated from his mouth.

“Nah Rae… there’s nowt to be sorry about. She wasn’t very nice and….I erm….I suppose I’ve known that for quite sometime….it’s just…I….oh fuck…..I…” He ran his hand through the back his hair, pausing on his neck.

“Erm…..shall we stop for a couple of minutes and talk?” She suggested nervously.

“I’m no good wit’ words me….I…” Nonetheless, he pulled the car into a layby and switched the engine off, his head then falling futilely to his hands, trying to disguise his emotions.

“It’s alright….it’s alright.” She whispered pulling him awkwardly into her arms across the gear lever.

His body shook for a while, fighting the tears the back, quickly coming to a still.

“I’m not …I’m not upset we’ve split up…It’s just… I’m exhausted Mae… she was a part of me life for some years and it’s strange she’s finally gone even though it’s what I wanted. It’s just …er….er..” He gazed forlornly out of the rain streaked window.

“Finn….did she..did she….I mean your face..?”

He bit his lip and nodded. “I know she tends to get angry but this time she was in such a rage with me …..and she threw an ashtray at me and erm…..”

“She split your lip ?”

“Aye. But I deserved it I s’pose. But that don’t really matter. It were, it were her words that really hurt….all the stuff about me not being able to keep any of the women in me life…that I clearly can’t form good honest relationships and how she…how she weren’t surprised me mam left us….that sort o’ thing.”

“Jesus Christ …..Finn listen to me…… none of that was your fault, right…none of it. You are a kind and ….and generous human being and I am ..I am so proud to be your….” She choked on her own words and resultant tears, and kissed him tenderly on the cheek.

He finally lifted his bloodshot, tear swollen eyes to meet hers and ran his fingers through her hair, never dropping his gaze.

“Oh Mae…..”  He leant forward pressing his swollen and split lips against hers in the softest of kisses. It may have only been chaste, yet it left her breathless and confused. Their foreheads touched together as they both took some steadying breaths.

The intimate moment was finally broken by the noise of a huge articulated lorry pulling in behind them.

“Right suppose we should get you home madam.” He grinned cheekily.

Once back on the road, she watched him tensing up again, his fingers fidgeting restlessly against the steering wheel. She comprehended he was working towards saying something of importance, but when he finally spoke, his words were not those she would have predicted.

“Erm…Mae, how did…..how did the session go today….I mean they helpin’ ya at all?”

Her face crumpled, completely thrown by this change of tack.

“I…..erm…’spose…it’s just..” She exhaled forcefully. “They’re bloody hard work and ….I don’t always feel like talking about…about the stuff I should be talking about……”

She paused, suddenly recollecting the pain of his earlier honesty. “Actually Finn, this time of year is hard for me…I had a friend from ….from back in the days when I were ill in college…..her name was Tix and, …. and it’s the anniversary of her death this week……. and to this day I fucking miss her ……”

She trailed off, unaware that tears had been streaming down her face. She turned to look out of the window, only to find the car was yet again being brought to a halt.

Finn took a couple of deep breaths after he’d switched the engine off, unsure of what he’d intended by stopping. When it finally sounded, his voice was gruff: “Come here Mae..”

She frowned at him, as his arms pulled her towards him but she got caught on the gear stick, causing her to giggle at the absurdity of the situation.

“Erm Finn….my skirt appears to be eating the gear thingy.”

He laughed. “Yeah that was a shit idea…..” He hit his forehead with his palm, a smile on his face. “Well I suppose we’ll have to get in the back then.”

Her eyes blew wide open and then her brow furrowed as he nimbly climbed through the gap inbetween the front seats, extending his arm towards her.

“Come on girl…come here…I erm…I won’t bite ya.”

With a not insignificant degree of apprehension, she accepted his hand and wiggled herself through the gap only to mistime the last part, popping like a cork to end in an undignified heap on his lap.

His laughter was warm, spontaneous and sonorous, as he embraced her firmly, placing his cracked lips in her hair.

She heard his breath catch in his throat, and wondered what on earth was going to happen next, given past experience illustrated how little control she had over herself when in this man’s presence. Yet again, her took her by surprise.

“So Mae….d’ya want to tell me all about this Tix then…” His voice soft, his hand stroking her hair as he pulled her against his broad chest.

And so it was that she unburdened the story of her short, yet emotionally meaningful, and significant friendship. Despite the many tears that were shed, she continued regardless in her new found openness, safe in his strong arms. Exhausted, after what in reality was only a few short minutes, she collapsed into him as his lips found her temple, her cheek and her neck.

He held her as tight as possible until she finally pulled back.

“Erm….there was something I wanted ta talk to you about actually….I’ve been thinking about getting another tattoo done….something to remember Tix by.”

He nodded, mutely biting his lip, staring out of the window.

“Erm Mae…..you know the windows are terribly steamed up in here and I’ve just noticed there’s a cafe over there.” He gestured with a nod.

“Finn Nelson….you telling me….we’ve been sat in this car talking when we could have been inside a nice warm cafe drinking tea …….and talking?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek and blushed. “Erm yeah…but I…..I wanted ta hold ya.” He said looking uncomfortably at the floor.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “There’s no hope ….” She almost giggled breaking into a smile.

****

They sat around the small formica table, teas in hand; Finn with his sketchbook placed in front of him. Their voices muted and low, each sneaking glances at the other. Finn had one foot up on the chair with his left arm wrapped around his left knee; Rae was sat across two seats twiddling her hair.

“So tell me about the good times with Tixy…” Finn requested mutedly.

Rae started slowly, recounting little details about her friend, that quickly expanded into stories; the times they walked in the hospital gardens and their conferences in the toilets. She became lost and embroiled in a far away world, vividly recollecting even the smallest of details. A second pot of tea arrived and she talked her way through that until every last drop had been drunk.

The trance finally broken, she looked shyly at him to note that he was genuinely deep in thought; drawing something.

“Am I that boring that you need to occupy yourself with somethin’ else while I’m talking?”

He shook his head, a wry smile forming on his lips as he pushed the pad towards her.

Her eyes lit up at the complex circular design in shades of grey, her lip dropping open as if she were about to say something, but she remained in stunned silence.

“It’s…..erm…it’s called a Mandala, Mae. Comes from the sanskrit word meaning circle. I think they have symbolic significance in Hinduism. But I just like ‘em. It has a concentric structure and very balancing  elements and I think it’s meant ta symbolise order. I like th’idea that they are meant ta absorb thoughts like they help ya…..stop worryin’ an’ that and give you a place ta be creative and gain a higher state of consciousness….and all that shite….it jus’ sort of came ta me when ya was talkin’….sort of thought it erm……bollocks ignore me Mae…I’m just talkin’ utter toss as usual.”

Her hand sought out his on the table. “What…. what  were you going to say?”

“…’s nothing…” To which she raised her eyebrows.

And ever so timidly he allowed the words to loose from his mouth “I thought…it might bring ya some …some peace.”

He blushed hanging his head, so was completely unprepared for her moving round the table, throwing her arms around him and kissing him a little lasciviously on the cheek, murmuring in his ear “I …I absolutely love it Finn.”

His arms automatically wrapped around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. As she turned to face him, his smile evaporated from his pouting lips. His eyes sought something in hers as his thumb softly stroked her cheek. Her heart raced in her chest as his lips met hers in a succession of small kisses. Part of her was horrified; for this was no living room; quite the contrary it was a very public space, yet part of her longed for more.

She took a rapid breath. “Will you….will you ink it for me?”

“Ya sure ya don’t need time ta think about it girl? Ya really should….it’s gonna be on ya skin for ever Mae.”

“It’s perfect please…..” Her eyes supplicating.

“I could fit ya in next week……but we could drive there now…only if ya wanted ta…I’m not sure this isn’t a little impulsive…”

A huge imploring smile crossed her face. “Please….”

He would have had to be made of stone to have resisted her smile. “Ok then…..but only if ya eat a proper meal first…..”

****  
Finn pulled up to the back of S&N’s; parking his car in a tight spot next to the bins and a bucket full of cigarette ends, which made him grimace. He unlocked the back door, flicking on the lights.

Rae handed him the cassette she’d found in the car and he switched it on, working silently and methodically to prepare everything he would need. She was again taken aback by his “professional” manner; the way he re-explained everything and systematically talked her through the process. But this time, his thumb was gently stroking the back of her hand, when he suddenly paused.

“Oh shit…I forgot to ask ya….I’m a complete knobhead Mae…..where are we placing this mandala…. on the other thigh?” His eyebrows raise.

She shakes her head resolutely. “No….I’ve thought about this and I want it here on my ribs….” She indicates her left flank.

“Mae….ribs hurt a hell of lot more than thighs.”

“Yeah and I can handle pain.” She retorts defiantly.

He winces and, reminiscent of the first time he’d inked her, he drops to his haunches such that their eyes were level.

“Mae…I….I…” His stutter returns.

“Finn…..I want…I want to be able to see it everytime I look in the mirror and I…..I see my body…..I want something private to remind me…. and yes I know my body’s hideous but…..”

“NO……” The force of his voice shocks him. “No Mae….it’s not….it’s….it’s beautiful.” He adds falteringly in a near whisper. He has to swallow before speaking again:

“Mae…..ya really sure ya’ve thought this through enough….I don’t think…..I don’t think I ….Look - it’ll be with you for life and …and I couldn’t bear…if ya regretted it.”

“Finn, please.”

And how could he refuse her? Starting a pattern that would be difficult to break - one where his emotions got the better of his control, calm and reason. He stands immobile in awe as she pulls her shirt off and lays on her side, desperately trying to keep his eyes focussed on where he should be looking and not on the green lace.

She’s ever so ticklish to start with, his feather light touch rendering her a laughing mess.So he has to be firmer in situating the transfer and accidentally brushes her breast. He yanks his hand away so rapidly - as if the flames had become too hot and he was afraid that he might be burnt.

“Shit …..sorry Mae….I…er…”

“It’s fine….honestly.”

She watches as he stands staring, as if mesmerised by his own hand, for a few seconds and then swallows thickly.

He was right of course, the pain measurably harder to bear this time and she has to focus long and hard to tolerate it. She settles for scrutinising the intense look on his face, the way his eyes screw up in concentration, the movements of his heavily tattooed arms. And she has to prevent herself from reaching out to touch his skin.  Eventually, she becomes hypnotized by the noise of the machine, his devoted absorption and rhythmic movements.

However, this state was not to last for long, for agony soon returns, creeping up and snaring her cruelly in its inescapable net. She valiantly fights its barbed claws as long as she can, but she feels nausea rising, her head ringing and, eventually, it elicits a groan from her lips.

“Oh shit Mae…..Mae….” He downs his tools and starts stroking her cheek tenderly.

“Fuckin’ hell you were supposed to tell me …….how long did you hold onto that for…”

“I’m fine. Please don’t make a fuss.” Her tone curt, as she swipes his hand away.

His teeth come together in his mouth as he inhales sharply through his nose.

“Finn thank you for the concern but I’m just tired. Please will you continue.”

He shakes his head. “You’re in too much pain girl.”

The touchpaper was lit. She would never understand the timing behind her unsightly outburst but it was truly unnerving in its ferocity.

She sits up. “I’ll tell you what too much pain is shall I? Shall I? That’s when you’re taking a beating the day after the first which left you black and battered …it’s a punch on already broken ribs, a kick to badly bruised kidneys….”

His breathing erratic and unsteady, he falls to his knees to place a comforting hand on her shoulder but she shrugs it off violently “Don’t touch me.”

His head bows momentarily as he sinks his teeth hard into his lip before standing and turning his back to her, simultaneously allowing her the space she needs whilst regaining his own composure. His stomach churns and his head is spinning but he doesn’t trust himself to speak.

“You that disgusted Finn…. that you can’t bear to look at me….that’s how most people react when they find out that I am…..that I am soiled goods.”

He bites the inside of his cheek so hard that his mouth fills with the metallic taste of blood. His feet won’t obey the commands his brain is sending them, keeping him rooted to the spot. It’s only when he hears her moving behind him, that the fear of losing her to the night imbues his mind with the strength to force his numb body to move.

She’s half way out of the door when he catches her in his arms. He ducks her anticipated swipes at him and the way her body rages against his, when with the same sudden alacrity that it arrived, her bile and vitriol disappear, leaving her to collapse onto the floor.

She dissolves into torrents of tears; such is their force that her breath gets stuck in her chest and she’s gasping for air in between huge wracking sobs. She eventually comes back to herself, her head on his chest, his arms encircling her.

“Shush girl…you’re safe….”

The tears start again. “I am so so sorry Finn…….I am no better than he…. I should never have hit out at you…..I…thought it was him…it felt so real…fuck I am such a screw up.”

He allows her words to rest in silence, whilst he considers his own.

“Mae…you were terrified. It’s okay….I know ya weren’t tryin’ to hurt me….ya just wanted to escape….and I know I said ya could always leave…..but…..but I was scared fer ya….I couldn’t ……I couldn’t….not in that state.”  
His breathing is irregular and swift and it’s clear that he’s more than a little upset. She grants him the peace he needs to locate the words he’s seeking.

“Mae…I….It’s me that should be sorry….I had no idea…..no idea….he erm….’kin hell ….I am so, so sorry…..”

They cling to each other on the floor, the depth of her revelation was far greater than he could have anticipated and more powerful than she could have imagined. The music from the cassette suddenly lowers in tone and they are subsumed by the melancholic strains of Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You”.

Despite everything that has come to pass between them, he seeks the comfort and succour he believes they both need and captures her lips with his. He takes her bottom lip between his and pulls on it as best his painful lip will oblige. His teeth worry at her lip, his left hand ghosting up her right side, onto her virgin ribs -  bravely and deliberately catching the bottom of her breast. As he groans into the kiss, she smirks, putting him off his rhythm.

Her eyes meet his: he looks lost and confused and she entwines her right hand in his left, teasing his swollen lips with a parade of small kisses. She nibbles his lip and licks ever so softly over the split, and then slips her tongue into his mouth, which he reciprocates with a burning intensity. But it’s only when she moves their interlaced fingers up to her right breast, that he forgets reason and growls; his fingers splaying out to lightly explore her softness. The moan he elicits as his thumb drags over her nipple, renders him senseless and he lays back, pulling her onto him, kissing her with a fervent passion. His left leg wraps around her right and he arches up against her.

But this time, he feels her flinch and logic crashes back into his mind and he gently lifts her body off his.

“Fuck Mae…. ya……ya really made me lose it there……ya have no idea what ya……come on - we need to get that ink covered up properly now…..I am so sorry sorry I should have….”

“Finn…..” She pauses aware of the significance of her impending words. “I wanted it as much as you.”

They finally made it back shattered to her flat with her half-finished tattoo at gone 11pm. She curled up in his arms as they shared her bed for the first time and quickly sucummbed to sleep’s hypnotic dance.

***********************************  
Rae was more than a little disturbed by the past few days; for nothing had seemed to pan out as either expected or intended. She had cried off a date with Mike wondering how the hell she was going to tell him she was proudly sporting a half finished tattoo that she’d asked his mate to ink on her on a whim. She’d avoided Izzy and Chloe’s calls for a couple of days in a perceived inglorious attempt to reestablish her sense of self as a good friend and girlfriend.

Work had been pretty tedious, however, her heart had been warmed with Jim’s chatter about his forthcoming trip away with Archie. Yet she had been perturbed to find herself to be prickled by what she could only assume were mild feelings of jealousy. Resultingly, she made some throwaway comment about how she’d love to organise some time away with Mike.

Jim offered to give her the time off and tried to make helpful suggestions, which she met with indifferent shrugs and insufficiently enthusiastic answers. For Jim had paused and looked her straight in the eye with a challenging. “I didn’t think so.”

Ire had started to bubble inside her and she had placed her hands on her hips: “And what is that supposed to mean?” She had whipped back.

He’d placed a hand on her arm and ensured he had her gaze before speaking. His words had cut her to the core, and she’d not been able to look him in the eye for the rest of the shift. She continued to run them repeatedly through her mind trying to divine their meaning: “You shouldn’t be afraid of falling in love, Rae. But the heart may be fickle, it doesn’t always agree with the mind…..you need to be honest with yourself sweetheart.”

Temper had won out and she had completed the rest of the shift in stony silence. And in a display of stubborn defiance, she had made a point of organising a date with Mike on a night she knew the others would all be meeting for beers.

But now the date night had arrived, she wondered if she should have paid heed to his words. For a tempest was building within, a force that she couldn’t control and her only hope to prevent it’s destructive winds from wreaking mayhem in her life was to assume silence. It was therefore exceedingly fortuitous that she had once again invited Mike to the cinema.

She failed to suppress the voice that reasoned that this choice did not represent coincidence, rather it was an avoidance tactic. She countered it by holding Mike’s hand and laying her head on his shoulder during the screening, followed by initiating what should have very much been a heated kiss afterwards. But she had simply remained tepid, striving on nevertheless to issue an invite for “coffee” back in her flat.

And so she found herself in his arms kissing him, eyes screwed shut with a hitherto unknown zeal. The kiss naturally completed and he held her tight against him.

“Erm petal…..there’s err something I er….something I wanted to talk to you about.”

The nerves apparent in his voice instilled fear into her heart and she threw herself into another kiss to still his words: yet it was to no avail as he pulled back.

“Woa petal woa……I want to talk.”

“I thought we could….” She raised an eyebrow.

“Oh Rae…..” He stepped back away from her, holding his hands up. “I….I’ve been talking to Finn and….”

“Oh yeah…” She grimaced. “I …..I was waiting for it to be finished and perfect before I told you about it…..trouble is the needle really got to me this time.”

Mike’s brow furrowed in confusion and his eyes widened. “You….you’ve had more ink?….”

She bit her lip in regret for her unnecessary disclosure, for misreading the situation and in consternation about what was to come.

“I….yeah ….Finn erm…it was a bit of a spontaneous thing..” She shrugged unconvincingly.

“Right I see….I get that Finn’s style is what ….is your thing but you…you could have….” He broke off and sighed.

“What I was going to say was that I’ve been speaking to Finn and Chloe. Both have been concerned about you and asked me how you were doing…… and well…both of them told me about this friend of yours who died…..and god petal, I am so sorry about that, I really truly am.”

Completely unanticipated, he drew her into a warm hug and continued to speak.

“Do you…. do you trust me petal?”

“Of course I do….it’s just … you know that I’m not ready to….”

“You know full well that’s not what I was referring too….I’ll stand by what I’ve always said…that it’d come when you’re ready…I’ve no qualms about that.”

“Oh.” Her voice almost a whisper, for she realised what should have hit her long before now.

“Petal….you…it feels like you keep shutting me out and I…..I don’t know what that means for us…It’s good that you’ve got mates like Chloe and Finn to talk to… And I get that you and Finn have this shared love of music that’s not really my thing…I mean that’s a bit like Chloe and I loving the ballroom dancing, which is not your thing………But I thought….I thought I was your boyfriend and, rightly or wrongly, I expected you to open up to me….at least a little ……”

He took another step back and a sickening feeling filled Rae’s stomach for she considered he had probably expected her to quash his fears.

“Rae… if this is not what you want…..” His anguished voice trailed off into a whisper.

“Of course it is.” She jumped in far too quickly to assuage any of his concerns, indeed the speed of her riposte only served to make him question her further.

“Ok….but please do me the courtesy of having a proper think about this first -  because if you’re lying to me…you will also be lying to yourself. And I don’t want that for you petal. I care about you… a lot.”

She reached out for him, but he remorsefully shook his head and started to walk towards the door, pausing to think about his parting words when she rushed over.

“Oh Mike.” She threw her arms around him. “I do really really want to be with you…it’s just…it’s just I wanted to protect you from the quagmire of shit that I carry with me….I ….I know I’ve got some things wrong….and I get that you want some space but I still want you….please.”

He stroked her back. “I’m not walking away petal…shush, shush…it’s okay….I suppose I just need a bit of head space sometimes too….”

He kissed her goodnight on the lips and left the flat with a promise of some quiet time for the pair of them later in the week.

***************************  
In a conscious attempt at appeasing her conscience, she called Mike two days later when she should have known that he would be attending the ballroom dancing class with Chloe.  She paced her flat as negative thoughts begin to race in her mind and threaten to overwhelm any sense of happiness and achievement by dragging her back to past torments. But then her mind came to rest on something she was supposed to have done earlier that week.

She picked up the telephone, a knot in her stomach, but it was Chop who answered. For a split second, she considered hanging up to preserve her anonymity, yet she drew on a nascent courage deep inside that her new life had nurtured.

“Afternoon Chop.”

“Raemundo my dear…..what can I do for yous?”

“I…I was hoping to speak to….to Finn.”

If Chop thought this request was unusual he masked it well. “Well that’s good timing, he’s just having a cup of tea….I’ll fetch the grumpy bugger for you.”

That evening Finn dropped round to her flat on his way back from work. Once again she was roused from her listening session by a knock on the door and she understood the downstairs door was yet again on the blink.

She opens her door to find him leaning against the door frame, arms folded.

“Evening Mae.”

He tucks her hair ever so gently behind her ear, and for a solitary moment, she wonders whether he was about to kiss her, such that her lips part slightly in anticipation. However, he plants a kiss on her cheek with an obvious smirk.

He clunks a bottle of vodka down with a wink and then his face crumples in confusion and his chin draws back towards his neck.

“Spirit in the Sky ….really Mae? …Ya could’ve at least gone with the Norman Greenbaum version not this …..me ears might bleed.”

“Nothing wrong with Doctor & The Medics.” She responds sulkily.

“Yeah right…..and what other delights have given us…..” He raises his eyebrows, his teeth toying with his bottom lip.

After she had been pouting petulantly for a short while, a crooked smile plays on his face.

“Yeah thought so…..” He pauses and rolls his bottom lip obviously with his teeth, while maintaining eye contact, marvelling at the adorable flush that coloured her skin.

Although he hadn’t so much as touched her, a tingling sensation spreads through her body. She’s convinced he was about to move towards her, when he suddenly turns his back.  He clatters around in the cupboards, then pours two drinks into chipped mugs. He hands her one but leaves his on the side.

“Get it down ya madam…..” He smiles, aware that he has a job to do. One that he was only too aware, would likely make her nervous.

Rae could not decipher the dynamics of this interaction. A nagging voice in her head continually insinuated that he was just there to undertake his job. And as favour to a friend, he’d offered to stop off on his way home, rather than her having to make the trip to S&N’s. Nonetheless, she necked the vodka; for it was one thing to bare her flesh in the professional environment of the studio, it was an entirely different proposition to do so in her own home.

He pulls a sealed packet out of his bag and proceeds to remove the gloves, pulling them on with his ceremonial twanging at the wrists.

“Right…you err…you ready Mae?”

She nods, biting her lip in discomfort, unintentionally clamping her arms against her side.

“It’s ok Mae…..it’s only me……and look girl, it was my fault that I didn’t cover it immediately last time….I….errr….well….yeah….you erm…..you did….you do something to me….something deep inside.” He bites his lip, knowing this is a potentially dangerous move.

But a sardonic smile crosses her face. “Very good Nelson….very good….do’you really think you’d get a Weller lyric past me….did ya? “ She laughs and then her face falls.

“Actually Finn.” She sighs; “It was my fault….I had a freak out on you….And I’m so so sorry.”

Her head hangs low and a tear trickles down her cheek. His lips tenderly kiss its track, his hands held aloft to preserve their sterility. She’s about to give into her instinct to flee the portending intimacy, yet she surmises that they have both acknowledged for the very first time, that something has happened between them. It may remain nameless, its semantics yet to be defined, but its existence can no longer be doubted.

Very gingerly, she peels back her top, to reveal the half completed art work, peering out of the window. She feels the ever so light touch of the gloves on her skin and hears him moving about, presumably to get a better view in the rather dim light. Then, all too quickly, her t-shirt is being pulled down and he is pulling the gloves off.

“Actually, it’s looking damn good, even if I say so meself. I’d give it a couple more weeks before we go back and finish it though girl.”

He inflates one of the gloves, tying a knot at the wrist and throws it up in the air, batting it playfully towards her.

“Urghhhh….that is so rank.” She hits it away from her face.

He laughs and picks up his mug, knocking back the contents in one, then refills the pair. He wanders over to the decks and changes the record. Her breath catches in her throat, observing his sacred routine; the way he smells and handles the vinyl with such reverence.

She believes, he’s about to ask her to dance again, but instead he simply plonks himself down on the floor, kicking his legs out in front of him and resting the back of his head on the edge of the sofa. He stretches for the ashtray, catching her eye deliberately and she nods.

However, he chooses not to reach for his tobacco. For first, he pulls his shirt forwards over his head, the white t-shirt underneath threatening to come with it; exposing the skin on his lower back and flanks. She stands stock still, temporarily forgetting to breathe.  Rolling his cigarette with intense concentration, he chews the inside of his cheek. When he finally lights up, he throws his head back allowing the smoke it’s free passage into the crisp air. She focuses on the way his full lips suck on the filter end and remain slightly parted during inhalation, only to be pulled slightly to the sides as he sucks in the escaping tendrils. Then he pouts, permitting the foggy plume escape.

He rolls his head languorously and pats the floor beside him. It takes her a few seconds to react such is her devotion to his ritual. She sits timidly next to him, knees pulled up to her chest. Turning his head, his eyes meet hers and he opens his mouth as if to speak, but his tongue ever so slowly moistens his lips. He runs his bottom lip under his top teeth until it springs free and then bites it tentatively again, never once breaking eye contact.

The fire kindles deep within her and she had to glance away, her chest heaving in a breath as she snatches her cup and throws back the vodka. Cautiously, she turns her gaze back to find him once again focused on his cigarette. This time, her eyes revel in his glorious arms set off by the rolled up white sleeves. Her eyes rake over the patterns, assimilating details she thinks she’s never seen before. Drowning in these intricacies, she fails to hear his voice the first time.

“I said..it’s okay if you wanna touch them Mae…” His voice gruff.

“I…er…whatever gave you that idea?” A tremor evident in her tone.

A wry smile passes his lips as he stubs out the cigarette. This time his expression is more tentative as his teeth toy with his bottom lip. Extending a hand to hers, he briefly caresses her fingers, before placing them on his bicep. She shuffles closer as her fingers obey her innermost desire and start tracing the patterns up and down his arm.

She barely registers as he pulls her onto his lap, placing his mouth against her neck. His lips repeatedly drag over the sensitive skin, punctuated by a succession of moist kisses and her focus moves up his arms as she rolls back the sleeves to take in the full glory of his artwork. Her hair hangs loose over her face, threatening to obscure the beauty, when she finds his hand once again tucking it back.

Their eyes meet, and once again she is mesmerized by the way his bottom lip is caught. This time there is no mistaking: he runs his tongue sensuously between his lips and tilts her face to his. She closes the gap, pushing her lips against his, her tongue furiously seeking out his mouth. Gently he moves her back and trails his index finger across her lips, then drops a chaste kiss on each corner. He places his finger into his mouth and repeats the process. Finally, his lips press their fullness against hers; his tongue snaking along the length of her lips.

She’s utterly helpless when he traps her bottom lip with his teeth and a low moan escapes her. The kiss that follows is searing in its intensity and depth and he starts rolling her up onto his lap, his hands tilting her pelvis hard into his. But that’s not enough; and his hands snake up her sides, drawing rhythmic patterns that make her flesh ache with desire. His budding courage grows and he tentatively allows one hand to slip from her side to the fullness of her breast. His thumb more than merely grazing her pebbling nipple.

The fervour of his kiss renders her incapable of thought and she places his other hand on the untouched breast. But his hands are not quite so gentle this time; teasing and testing until she’s arching her back and thrusting her chest at him.

She pulls back, lips swollen and eyes wide and bites her lip, casting her eyes downwards.

He’s still catching his breath when her words come out.

“Erm…Finn……I’ve always meant to ask you if…..if you’ve er…if you’ve got other tattoos….other than the sleeves….”

Confusion fleets through his eyes for a second before he remembers that she already knows.

He bites his lip shyly and nods his head.

There is moment of stillness as their eyes meet and silent communication passes. He takes a deep breath and pulls his t-shirt forward over his head, casting it aside and sits back vulnerably as her eyes take in his magnificent form. What hits her first is his raw heady musk, she has to swallow.

Her jaw drops slightly as her eyes rake over his muscled chest and abdomen: what Chop had told her about him working out was true. Ever so slowly she reaches out and places a palm flat against his chest as if she couldn’t believe that he was real, before snatching it back as if the heat of his body might scald her. As she drags her eyes down, they alight on the black pattern emerging from the top of his jeans.

And whilst it’s different it shape and construction, she recognises many of the elements and forms. For it appears like the moon to her sun, the masculine to her feminine bands that link so delicately around her thigh.

She lifts her eyes to meet his and he nods almost imperceptibly, his eyes intently following her fingers. She reaches them out slowly, hesitantly and curiously, and she feels his stomach twitch when they finally make contact. She traces the pattern on his lower abdomen, his muscles fluttering beneath her touch. But she doesn’t cease when the ink dives below his jeans. Her fingers lightly caress the soft sensitive skin under the waistband of his jeans and shorts such that he has to sink his teeth into his bottom lip in ecstasy.

All of a sudden, it’s more than he can take and a devout passion consumes his entire being. He deftly flips her onto her back in a show of strength, positioning himself between her legs; showing her exactly what she’d done to him. He kisses her mercilessly, growling as he bends and lifts up her right leg. He’s not entirely sure whether he’s still alive when she arches her back and thrusts her pelvis against his hardness.

Her hand slowly unzips his fly and cups him. Even though the sensation is divine, he freezes, pondering why he hadn’t seen this coming and sits up.

Her face is a picture of hurt and confusion as she mumbles her apologies: “Oh Finn…sorry I….errm…..shit..I..”

He picks up her hand and takes it between his calloused ones and stutters through his words.

“M….M…Mae……it’s it’s n..not that I…That mind ya…ya touching me…t…there….I…it’s j…j…just…right now….right now….” He trails off; his breath shallow and fast in his chest.

“Just right now…..I…I have ta…ta ask ya…ta please stop…..”

He knows he has to say more as it looks like she might cry and he had never intended that.

“Mae…..look at me girl…” He tenderly picks up her hand. “We can’t ….not now….it wouldn’t be right….I have no…no idea ….we probably shouldn’t have let it go this far….”

He’s chewing his cheek now, deep in internal debate.

Finally the force and truth behind his reason hits her and it feels as if she has been winded; the breath knocked from her body and she’s disgusted with herself. In days to come, she will repeatedly mull over the source of her words and why she felt compelled to say that of all things.

“But….but it’s only sex Finn.”

His face falls and his eyes crease in pain. Bile rises in his stomach as he recalls the very same words he spoken to Chop, not that long ago. And finally, he perceives he can’t cope anymore, there is too much at stake, too much hurt.  
“No….it’s not.” He replies through gritted teeth. “Not….not with you Mae…..I…I thought you’d understand that……I…I’m sorry.”

He springs to his feet, grabs his t-shirt and roughly yanks it on, snatches his shirt and his bag….and almost runs to the door, as if the inferno created in her flat might consume him.

A solidarity tear breaks free down his cheek as he utters the last words he will say to her in some weeks.

“I…I’m so sorry…but ….but I can’t do this Mae……”.

*************************************  
Rae had cried herself to sleep for two nights in a row. Nevertheless she had tried to carry on as normal. She’d missed a second session in a row with Kester, on the grounds that she couldn’t face calling any of her friends and didn’t have the inclination or energy to take the bus.

The trail of havoc that she believed was her fault, hung heavy in her heart. She had hurt both Mike and Finn and she knew she had to face up her actions.

Her stomach churned as she picked up the phone and dialled Chloe’s number.

“Oh, it’s you Rae.” Chloe’s tone was clipped yet not unfriendly.

“You don’t sound best pleased to hear from me.”

“Rae, I love you as a mate but…..but what the hell is going on? You miss our girls’ afternoon out…….Mike’s pretty upset about you…..he said something about you not calling him…he thinks you don’t’ like him anymore. That’s not true is it?”

She shook her head in an invisible gesture of defiance.

“No…I do like him…It’s just I…..it’s ….it’s complicated Chlo.”

“Is it the sex thing Rae….because honestly, having got to know him better…..I really, really think that he doesn’t mind……I know it’s difficult but as I said before you do need to get back in the saddle at some point and Mike seems as good a…”

“It’s not about sex.” She interrupted firmly.

“Then I don’t get it Rae. You have the perfect gent of a boyfriend who is blaming himself for something that it seems he hasn’t done. You can’t treat people that way…..there’s not someone else is there?”

“No don’t be silly.” Her response rather to fast and strong, yet this was lost on her friend.

“Actually, there’s another thing Rae….. What have you said to Finn? He went on one hell of bender a couple of days ago…….He was completely paralytic and Chop and Archie had bring him back from town, unconscious in a taxi……”

“Why has that got anything to do with me?” She spat out.

“Apparently the only intelligible word he said was “Mae”….You know I went round there last night and he barely said two words and left the room when we started talking about you. Have you two fallen out?”

“Not exactly…”

“Well I don’t get it Rae….whatever it is …this needs to be sorted out. You have to accept that you have an impact on other people’s lives and you can’t just walk all over them….and I know you’ve had a terrible time but that’s not an excuse for treating other people like shit right? And I think….”

Rae hung up the phone as waves of self disgust raged through her body. There were so devastating that by the time she arrived at work she was almost completely numb. She glanced up at the rota and discerned that Archie and Jim had embarked on their break and tears filled her eyes, knowing that she would not be able to seek Archie’s counsel for some days.

The evening was quiet and dull as could be expected term time midweek. Frank who was working with her spent most of his time playing cards with the pot washer in the kitchen.  
She zoned out in exhaustion caused by the emotional turmoil of the last few days and was staring at floor when she became aware of someone standing at the bar.

Her stomach knotted and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she heard his voice for the first time in months.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding then.”

She fought the nausea caused by her new world crumbling and her self confidence instantly collapsed. She dragged her eyes up to meet his cool calculating gaze.

“Liam.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right this is where all the WARNINGS come. LOTS OF TRIGGERS
> 
> This is dark, brutal and raw. 
> 
> There are descriptions of injuries etc that are a result of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and that sort of vile depravity. Please note there are no descriptions of the acts actually occuring. It’s all look back stuff but we are talking hours not weeks.
> 
> There is mental illness, PTSD, flashbacks, OCD, depression. And there’s a considered suicide attempt.
> 
> Do not read if you are sensitive or feeling down. It does end with hope but there’s a lot of drama to get through.
> 
> I’ve done my best to do this horrific chapter justice - focussing on the emotional impact of those involved. Please don’t say she would never have done that…she would never have gone back. People do……there was even a programme about teenagers in abusive relationships where they went back or refused to leave on the BBC this week. That has fuelled my determination with this storyline. Rae’s not a teenager here but mid 20s +.
> 
> I have thought whether I should just post this or keep it to myself and bin the rest of the story. But I have received a lot of wonderful support so here it goes.

Her eyelids flicker open but as soon as the first hazy objects gain a semblance of definition, she rapidly closes them in the vain hope of shutting out the world around her. She breathes in the smell of the maisonette; damp, mustiness and the unmistakable stench of his cheap aftershave. She tries to swallow but her mouth is dry and her throat raw, tinged with an unmistakable metallic taste.  

Tentatively, she places her hands over her face, trying to locate its source. Other than some crusts beneath her nose, there appears to be neither tenderness nor swelling. Only too quickly, she becomes aware of her sore body and wills herself back to her only salvation - the oblivion of sleep. Yet her old friend slumber also has deserted her, leaving her no option other than facing the day and all that it will bring.

Cautiously, she rolls from her side onto her knees, incapable of stifling a groan. She prays he has left and is not lurking somewhere in the dim shadows. She forces her eyelids apart, trying to focus on the grimy carpet and not on the loci of pain. With the aid of a chair, she pulls herself to her feet, attempting to stand up. The room begins to swim in a swirl of murky colours, bile rising in her throat.

Bent double, she supports herself with one hand on the woodchip papered wall and creeps around to the bed.  Collapsing in a heap, she takes deep breaths knowing she is only delaying the inevitable. Her head hangs low and her eyes drop to her chest, discovering an aging brown stain down the front of her once turquoise t-shirt. She understands that she must have suffered a significant nosebleed in the night and casts her eyes to where she had been lying. She sighs knowing she’ll have to clean the sizeable marks on the floor before he arrives home, in the hope of avoiding a repeat performance.

Despite her body’s plea for rest, she wearily finds her feet, biting her cheek hard to suppress the sound that wants to leave her cracked lips. Hunched over, she shuffles across the room, one hand on her stomach and the other futilely, on her lower back. The bathroom’s avocado suite may have been dated, but she’s only too aware of how clean it is. She knows if she can’t manage a bath now, the stiffness will only increase, potentially rendering her near immobile by the time he returns.

Having pushed herself through the discomfort and distress of getting herself into the bath, she gazes down to the livid purple of her abdomen and the tell tale bruises around her left wrist. She wonders how bad her back is this time as vivid recollection his of steel toecap boots infiltrates her mind. Her eyelids drift closed, willing calm to descend and her mind wanders back to events of the last few days.

*************************  
He had been only too gentlemanly when he’d showed up at the bar, waiting quietly with for her shift to end; sat in a dark corner with a coke. Those fifteen minutes had felt like a lifetime. Various scenarios including escaping through the kitchens or tacking onto a party of guests had played out in her mind. Yet, she had never really given them more than cursory consideration. He had been so apologetic, so apparently concerned about her wellbeing that she’d actually longed to believe him. Following him to his car had been only too easy; her sleep deprived mind had sought the comfort her perceived falling-outs had denied her.

On a level, which would entail months of searching to discover, the decision represented the desire to return and re-write her story. To gain victory over that, which had defeated her.

Of course he had played the part ever so well; carrying her bag, opening the door and stopping en route at a late night store for the immediate provisions she would need. She had never thought to question why they had been driving out of town, why they they hadn’t stopped at her flat to collect her belongings or what his plan was.

Relief and hope for a fresh start had been forefront of her mind when she had realised that he was no longer living in the same flat. The first few days had been everything that their relationship should have been. He had cooked, cleaned and made her feel welcomed and at home. He had taken a couple of days’ leave and they had been shopping for clothes, to the cinema and to the supermarket. He had even selected rental DVDs he thought she’d enjoy for their evening entertainment.

She could have almost believed that she had stepped back into her previous life with the “new” one having been a mere figment of her imagination, had it not been for a perpetual aching that was accompanied by a knot in her stomach that seemingly made her nauseous whenever he touched her. She had disguised the slight instinctive flinch on several occasions.

However, the illusory dream had never lasted long. Having only been back at work for two days, he had arrived home late, stinking of booze and staggering all over the place. She muses as to why it had almost been a shock that first time. The pain had taken her breath away, even though it had been no different to that withstood on numerous other occasions.

She supposes that however often this happened, however numb you became to the experience, that would never erase or lessen the resultant physical and emotional distress. Every time you thought that there was nothing further that could be taken from you, a new level of depravity was reached.

In hindsight, she realises just how much care he must have taken to ensure the neighbours were out, to have left her face alone and to gauge how much he dare dish out before injury would be too obvious to those who saw her. Keeping up appearances in all areas remained of utmost importance. The routine of washing, ironing and cleaning had never ceased.

The run-down maisonnette had seen far better days; her doors and windows rotting, perpetual condensation caused mould to grow, the carpets and curtains bore the history of many tenants. Despite any of amount of effort she had expended, the flat had, neither never been, nor would ever be, clean enough.

As the bath water turns tepid, she begins to consider that she was fated to keep pushing the rock up the mountain only for it to fall back down to the bottom; for her to then have to repeat the cycle endlessly. Getting out of the bath proves a slow process, however, that boulder would wait no longer and a perverse self preservation instinct kicked in. One that forced her to toil through in the misguided belief it may just avert another episode being inflicted on fresh wounds.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t profusely apologised each and every time. As if such a well meaning sentiment and feigned horror at his own actions meant anything. For every time he said those words, they denigrated the situation to a new farcical low.

**************************************  
It had been more than a week since she’d last heard from Rae, and Chloe was becoming increasingly worried. Blame apportioned to herself for their tiff, she had tried to call on several occasions, but Rae had never answered. She had initially assumed that her friend was either pissed off about the spat, or was out with her other friends; the explanation had then quickly devolved into a combination of the two.

However, having been busy with work herself, it had taken her a couple more days than she considers she should have left it to call Izzy. She was convinced that there had to be a logical explanation for this, nonetheless her hand was shaking as she dialled the familiar number.

“..Chop’s residence….what can I do for you?”

“Chop…stop being a dick when you answer the phone, you don’t know who might be calling….how many times have I told you.”

“Nice to talk to you too Chlo.”

“Sorry Chop….look can I please speak to Izz?”

“Of course…you ok my dear?”

“Well, actually I’m a bit worried about Rae. You haven’t seen her have you?”

“Not for the last week or so nah….”

“Oh.”

“Actually Chlo…Mike mentioned today he was a bit concerned but I said I thought she was staying with yous.”

“She’s not Chop….I’ve not seen or heard from her in a week….and to tell the truth, I’m starting to get really worried.”

“She’s probably with her mum or something….let me get Izz fer you.”

The conversation with her petite red headed friend had only served to increased Chloe’s anxiety. It had alarmed Izzy to the extent that they agreed on the group meeting that evening once everyone had finished work. Chloe decided to phone Linda in the unlikely event that Rae had decamped back home.

********

Mike and Chloe had been first to descend on Chop and Izzy. They were shortly followed by Archie, who had relayed the message to the hotel receptionist as it seemed Jim was immersed in resolving a chronic rota crisis. Cups of tea had been served all round but the hobknobs and custard creams remained untouched in the middle of the table.

Chloe’s voice was small and nervous as she began to speak:

“Guys….I’m really worried about Rae….I …I haven’t heard from her in a week….and she’s not taking my calls and……She’s not at her mum’s either…..its been well over a week since Linda last heard from her and…..and I believe she’s missed at least a couple of appointments with that bloke in Stamford….you know the one she’s meant to be talking to.”

Salty tears began to flow down her cheeks.

“Oh Chlo…I think it must be me. I’ve been round there twice but she won’t answer the buzzer and she’s not returning my calls either……but..” Mike bit his lip. “It’s not as if we left things on the best note…so I just thought she probably didn’t want to talk to me or….or she was avoiding me.” His head hung low.

“What on earth did you say?” Fire in Izzy’s voice.

“I…it’s complicated….I…I..” Mike stuttered through a non-response.

“Look now’s not the..” Archie began.

“Actually Mike, I had a bit of a to do with her over the phone…..it’s all my fault…please don’t blame yourself..” Chloe sobbed, grasping a cushion.

“What on earth could have said to upset her that much, Chlo? I know she’s still got demons to face but…” Archie trailed off.

“Calm down people….this isn’t getting us any fucking where. Right lets establish the facts…..when was the last time any of us saw or spoke to Raemundo?”

Uncomfortable silence was broken by the sound of the door opening followed by the trudge of heavy boots dragging across the floor.The group of friends turned to see Finn, dressed in his leather jacket, helmet in hand, scowl on his face. Apparently composed, he wandered through the room and opened the patio doors with every intention of going outside for a cigarette.

“..’The fuck Finn?” Chop called.

Finn turned round and glared at Chop, clamping his jaw together lest he betray his feelings.

“For crying out loud Finn….This isn’t good enough….I told you we were meeting up because we’re all worried about Rae…..your friend Rae…. and you just stamp outside…like there’s soddin’ nothing to talk about…..It’s not on….you’d better…”

“Right so I don’t fucking care do I? Do I?”

Finn’s explosive comeback, shouted with a near cracking voice, silenced the group. He slammed the door behind him with blatant disgust and wrath.

Archie hurried outside. “I’ll go…..I erm…I expect the break up….with…”

“Yeah right….” Chop was about to make some smart alec remark but quickly fell silent as it dawned on him exactly what Finn was probably feeling. He had no desire to stir the hornet’s nest. Besides it would only aggravate the already delicate and inflamed situation.

“Finn.” Archie’s voice low and soft.

A solitary tear trickled down Finn’s face as he took a deep drag of his roll-up.

“I know….I know you…you erm….you and Rae had a special bond….and you’re likely upset…and erm hurt ….but this…..this anger really isn’t going to help…” He placed his hand consolingly on Finns broad shoulder.

“Arch….I um…. we…..I might have umm….said something….when I last saw her and ….fuck…oh fuck this is all my fault.” Finn’s hand ran through the back of his hair as he bit the inside of his cheek hard.

The pair stood for a moment swaying in the breeze.

“Finny…this thing you said to Rae….did you really upset her…I mean..”

Archie desperately circled the subject, in light of the feelings he perceived Finn possessed for Rae. He was concerned not to exacerbate an already difficult and complex situation by detonating something. He tried to placate his conscience with reason that things between the pair might just equate to deep but innocent friendship.

“I…we…I saw…you know when I went round to hers to check on her new tattoo….and we…..we erm….you know listened to a few records and ….had the odd drink and ermmm……” Finn took another deep drag of his cigarette reluctant to divulge any further.

“Finn?” Archie raised his eyebrows, his stance firm.

“I…erm….look shouldn’t we be going round to her flat to check …to check she’s not at home…like the time she slept for 24 hours straight….”

“I happen to think that should be our course of action but Finn… please…we’ve been mates since primary school….I’m not deaf or blind….come on…”

Finn sunk his teeth hard into his bottom lip, comprehending fully the impact any potential confession. Deep in thought, he subconsciously started to lick the blood seeping from the partially re-opened split lip, originally gifted to him by Laura.

“I….we….Arch…please don’t make me say it…..” His bottom teeth now sharply catching the upper lip.

“Fuck’s sake Finn. It’s just you and me….and you…….you two did stay at our flat…come on…what on earth happened…what did you say?”

“I…we…I might of…I might of kissed her….”

For the first time Finn’s eyes sought out those of his closest and oldest friend in anticipation of chastisement and a judgement that never came.

“A kiss….?”

Finn nodded mutely, words he should be voicing sticking in his dry throat, heart pounding.

“You didn’t try to erm….”

“Nah….I….she…but I said… I mean ‘s not right is it…and I thought…I thought she’d understand…. but it wasn’t like I didn’t want ta…but it just wouldn’t have been right…I told her….I made it clear I wanted her….jus’ so you know…..Oh Jesus, what the fuck have I done? Archer….this mess really is all my fault…..”

Archie pulled Finn into an embrace. “I don’t think it is Finn…how can it be…..and I really don’t think blaming yourself would help anyway….and I also don’t think we need to share this with the others right now…I mean if it’s not going to help find Rae ……you’d better come in back inside with me..”

A sheepish expression on his face, Finn rejoined the assembled friends in the living room.

“Nice to see you can be bothered to join us Nelson.” Sarcasm thick in Mike’s voice.

“Look, I’m sorry Mike….I…I’m just worried like you ….and you know how shit I am at controlling my anger and …an’ I’m just as scared as the rest of ya…just …I…”

Noticing the blood snaking its way down Finn’s chin, Mike put a hand on his arm.

“It’s ok. But for once can we please leave grumpy Finn behind….it’s not bloody helping right…we need to do something….we need to get round there.”

“Aye…and break the fucking door down if we have ta.”

The colour drained from Mike’s face, the possibilities of what they may find launching themselves in technicolour glory in his mind. He stood up resolutely, yet shaking.

“Chop…you drive.” He tossed his keys at his friend.

“But we won’t all fit.” Queried Izzy.

“I erm….look I think you girls should stay at home….we’ll call you.” Mike stated cooly.

“I could take my car too.” Suggested Chloe.

Mike glared at Chop and Archie in a silent plea.

“Actually….it would sensible if you stayed….she might just call and you …you should ring her mum and see if….find out if there is anywhere else she might be.” Archie reasoned.

The four men journied in troublesome quiet to Rae’s flat. Chop drove whilst Finn chain smoked out of the window, which irritated Mike. Yet Archie turned a blind eye and refused to play peacemaker. Despite the desperation with which they had started their short trip, all were more than a little reluctant to leave the car. Unexpectedly, it was Chop who took the lead towards the door, bearing flaking green paint, that bore entrance to the flats above the shops.

He pressed the buzzer repeatedly to no response. Mike and he were about to leave when Finn and Archie, who were aware of the ongoing saga regarding the state of door repair, simply applied gentle pressure and the door creaked open.

“Thats absolute shite security that is.” Moaned Chop.

Mike yet again paled.

On reaching Rae’s own door, each of the party cast around -  looking at each other, searching for someone to take the lead. Someone who had the courage, someone who was prepared to face the wrath for what they had all silently agreed to do.

Mike banged on the door; softly as first, then louder and finally harshly using his whole fist as a knocker, calling her name, imploring her to respond. None were shocked at the continued silence. Archie subtly held Finn back as Mike used first his shoulder, then his foot and finally his entire body weight to break open the door. Being only cheap plywood it splintered around the yale lock, which remained firmly in place.

The flat was still bar the noise of neighbours cooking, the footfall of people entering the shop below and a single shout of “Keep it down”. Despite initially lingering in a bunch at the entrance, the group dispersed through the tiny flat - Mike to the bedroom, Archie to the kitchenette, Chop to the bathroom and Finn just stared at the decks.

“Ermm……there’s mould on them dishes Archer.” Chop commented.

His friend nodded and added softly. “It seems all the food in the fridge is out of date.”

“The bed’s not made….and as far as I can tell….her stuff is still all here.” Mike shook his head as if to throw off the sadness that was flooding through him in waves.

Finn remained mute and numb.

“You…you don’t think she’s been kidnapped or something?” Chop asked expecting the usual derisive responses.

Archie frowned. “I… I don’t think so ….but we should consider reporting her as a missing person.”

“We need to speak to Jim….find out when she was last at work ….I just hope one of the girls has better news for us.” Mike sniffed back a tear.

“The fuck are we going to do about the door?” Chop asked.

“Can’t have her coming back to this…it’s not secure leastways…..”

Archie thought for a minute trying to recall which of Rae’s neighbours had been helpful.

An arduous and unpleasant hour had been spent boarding up the door with the aid of a neighbour and his wife, who promised to tell the landlord, (if asked), that Miss Earl was away and vandals had broken in thanks to the faulty front door. Mike had slipped him some cash to repair the door promising to visit later in the week to assist.

The journey home was endured in stuttered silence; Chop and Archie both stealing one of Finn’s cigarettes. The men were greeted by a near hysterical Chloe and Izzie who berated them for breaking their promise to call. They explained that Linda had explored, but had been defeated by finding any, sensible suggestions as to her daughter’s current whereabouts.

Chop cracked open the emergency vodka, declaring all in need of a drink before the timeline could be put together, theories proposed and discussed. All were on their second shot when Finn astounded them:

“What if……what if she doesn’t want ta be found?”

“Finn…you can’t say that ….that’s so wrong …she wouldn’t just leave.” Chloe stated.

But the vision slowly crept around the group, unsettling them all greatly with its nefarious possibilities.

Jim found the moribund group sprawled across the sofas and on the floor: Izzy in Chop’s arms, Mike holding Chloe’s hand and Finn and Archie propping each other up by the shoulder.

“Oh…..sorry I had a rota crisis…I erm….I…..”

“Rae’s gone Jim….we have no idea what the hell has happened.” Tears choking Archie’s voice.

“She could be anywhere -  in a ditch, in Scotland…in….” Izzy’s words slurred by the sudden alcohol consumption.

“Look I think…I think I might know something. Rae’s not been in work ….well as I thought and expected for the last two days, which she was due off anyway in lieu of working the weekend whilst we were away……but it seems she hasn’t been in work for quite a bit longer…for at least a week.”

“How the fuck could you let that go unnoticed….surely someone would have thought that odd.” Mike spat out.

“I know…I know….but it turns out the other staff were covering for her. They all like her and thought….well they thought she’d gone off on a bit of bender after the weekend and ….it was evident they thought they were doing her a favour.”

Archie’s hand automatically hit his forehead, then ran through this hair.

“It’s taken me a few hours to track down the temp staff that were working over that weekend…but it seems she completed her Saturday shift as expected…..but er…..well it seems that she left the bar……” Jim paused aware of the delicate nature of what he was about to impart.

“It…it seems that she wasn’t alone when she left the bar.”

“What?” Chloe voiced the concerns of the assembled.

“She left with a man….willingly apparently.” Jim swallowed.

“..’the fuck?” Asked Chop.

“I….I don’t understand….It just seems so…so unlikely..” Izzy mumbled.

“What……what did the man look like?” Chloe’s voice soft and timid.

“Well, I gather he was a big bloke, tall with curly hair… and apparently he had an irish accent.”

Izzy’s hand automatically clapped over her mouth whilst Chloe blanched.

The men looked at the girls in confusion. It was Chop stroking Izzy’s hand who finally elicited the dreadful truth.

“Liam.” Izzy’s voice a near whisper.

“Who …I don’t get it…who’s this Liam geezer?” Chop, none too subtle.

“He…he’s her ex.” Chloe responded with a mixture of fear and venom.

“You mean….?” Chop’s eyes wide.

“Oh fuck….Jesus……how?” Mike’s head fell into his hands.

The door slammed and Archie looked up to see an empty space where Finn had been sitting.

“We have to find her…..we have to….because…. what if….we can’t leave her with him…do you have any idea how bad it was……” Izzy trailed off uncertain as to how much the others knew.

“Well, where does he live?”

“We don’t know…..she…..he wouldn’t let her have friends around.” Chloe dissolved into seemingly endless tears.

“Hey princess….its alright…you….you weren’t to know….oh Chlo.” Mike wrapped his arms around Chloe, his own face streaked with tears.

“Perhaps ….perhaps Linda might have an idea?” Archie suggested rather forlornly.

“Arch…it’s gone 1am…..now’s not the time…maybe in the morning?” Jim slung an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders, dropping a kiss on his cheek.

********************************************  
She startled in the half light to find him watching her, bottle of beer in hand. It may have been gone three am, and he may have been working the following day, yet this apparition struck fear deep to her core. His eyes were dark and brooding, his stare foreboding and she prayed that she could stave him off just a little longer.

He had been full of apologies for two days after that first time; buying her flowers, taking her out and showering her with what she was coming to realise was faux affection. He’d even introduced her to the neighbours. That’s when it had hit her - just how clever he was. For he’d always been careful to ensure the signs of his behaviour were well hidden. He could be polite, charming and even witty, if a little subversive, when required.

She mourned that people would never believe the monster he became behind closed doors. That the “successful business man” was capable of the vilest aberrations, that he had no regard for basic human sanctity. Yet his whole image was built on smoke and mirrors. For she suspected the job didn’t pay that well given where he had chosen to live and the car he drove. Publicly he would declare these as outward demonstrations of his socialist tendencies and his belief in philanthropy.

She surmised it was all deceit and pretense. He had the nerve to take her out in public after he’d battered her senseless but maintained the cold presence of mind to leave her face well alone. He could beguile even the most inquiring of minds and she chastised herself again for her foolishness in following him. As he laid his hand on her shoulder, nausea overwhelmed her aching body causing it to physically react to his hand. The sweat of terror beaded on her forehead.

*************************  
The group had all made the drive to visit Linda and deliver the distressing news, which had inevitably devastated both her and her family. She had been more than embarrassed to admit that she hadn’t known exactly where the couple had lived together; as she had neither been invited there, nor had she been particularly close to her daughter during that extremely troubling time.

However, all had not been lost.  For most fortuitously Karim - her husband, whose English was still only just passable, despite having lived in the country for quite a few years, recalled something he’d seen on an envelope when he’d helped Rae move into her new flat.  

He had joined them, fired with rage and concern, on their short drive to Carlton Way. A run down estate with a variety of buildings: grotty terraces, unloved concrete blocks and double height maisonettes with washing hanging over the balconies.

They’d knocked on several doors; all the inhabitants denying that they had ever met the girl in the photographs. They had split up all heading towards different corners of the estate. Chop had protectively kept Izzy by his side, Mike assuming a similar role with Chloe, and Jim had paired up with Karim. Archie had attempted to manage an exceedingly fragile and volatile Finn, who had seemed to have begrudgingly given a cigarette to every door that had asked for one, his own having never left his lips.

They had been about to call their expedition to a close, the emotional exhaustion compounding the physical drain of hardly having slept in the intervening night. But one elderly tennant, hair in rollers under a flimsy chiffon scarf, who Archie had deemed a waste of time due to her lengthy rambling about the beauty of the estate when constructed, had taken a shine to Finn whom she had cadged a cigarette from.

Finn had surprisingly politely listened to her somewhat epic diatribe, asking her with genuine interest to describe how the estate had looked in her former glory days. Archie noted how his accent had reverted to his strong Northern roots. At the end of this incongruous discussion Archie had watched with interest as Finn described the girl whose predicament had instilled the fear of God into him. Archie was still contemplating the extraordinary site of Finn chatting to a stranger when his friend carelessly bumped into him.

Rae had been the lady’s erstwhile next door neighbour. However, her rather unpredictable and inconsistent partner had flitted off, under the cover of darkness, a few months back. She had suspected he may not have left Stamford for good - on the rather spurious basis of him having seemingly moved his entire worldly belongings in his tatty old car.

****************************************  
She awoke in shame, castigating herself for the previous night’s ordeal, despite rationally discerning that culpability had to lie entirely at his door. Bile rose rapidly, burning her already raw throat. She only just made it to the bathroom in time to allow the contents of her stomach to pass.

The almost unbearable deep aching in her body, which had yet to recover from the previous onslaught, would have been enough to fell most. But the excruciating sharp burning of the skin on her flank was more troubling. Emotionally she was numb. It was as if the night had been consigned to an internal abyss full of highly disturbing experiences. She threw herself into a near scalding shower, trying in vain to sear his touch from her skin.

She stayed until the water ran cool such that cold and shock set in. But the tears hadn’t come; self depreciation building with every passing minute. Rooting through his bathroom cabinet, she seized every pill packet and concoction she could lay her hands upon. She dumped her sizeable haul on his bed and stared at it.

The suddenly burst of energy that had fuelled her need for action, vanished as quickly as it had arrived, leaving her utterly bereft. She disintegrated onto the bed, paralysed with the weight of the memory of the previous night. But the tears still wouldn’t come. She stared at the pills - all different colours and shapes, all promising to somehow improve life. She wondered how many of their number would be required to take off the edge, to make her feel just a little better.

She was inexorably drawn by the smallest yellow tablets - as if they represented tiny mocking suns. She considered crushing them to powder in between her teeth as revenge. All 10 of them. She pondered whether they would bring sweet nothingness - annihilating the racing thoughts and flashing memories. She shook her head trying to rid herself of such a notion. But her mind battled on.

Perhaps, just perhaps, if she were to ingest the whole rainbow army, then she would never have to acknowledge those thoughts again. Maybe, maybe the path to light was one to the depths of darkness; an irreversible journey to the underworld. Trembling, her hand grasped the first silver packet, tracing the shape and contours of the bubbles protecting a potential, precious ticket to freedom.

Slowly and somewhat reluctantly, she popped out the first tiny sun, revelling in the strange sensory satisfaction derived from the action. In full knowledge of its intended purpose. As she was studying its form, the distant strains of a once favourite tune blared out from the upstairs maisonette causing cracks in the hard shell of her extremely traumatised state.

Her shaking hand betrayed her; dropping the packet onto the floor. Her body, now doubly stiff with cold and bruising, resisted her attempts to bend down and retrieve that, which her mind advised it required. Part of her sought to shut out the joyous and sonorous harmonies of The Stone Roses. It argued that she was never meant for a happy life, instead being destined to the mental squalor and misery that now faced her.

Nonetheless, shards of light pierced that broken shell and, tentatively, memories of her new life slowly and silently slithered into her head. Visions of nights out with her friends, Izzy’s laughter, Chloe’s hugs, Chop’s intolerable jokes, Archie and Jim’s love of poetry and Mike’s caring.

The damaged part strived to negate their potential impact: to discredit and disown those memories. It wished to consign them to dust; supported by recollections of the disagreements and arguments that ensued. Her ever diminishing self esteem took a further blow as she admonished herself for her return to this perdition.

But the blessed remnants of happiness refused to be obliterated or damaged by her own negative voice; for they validly held weight of their own. They contained the laughter and warmth of others, the love and comfort of friendship, the struggle and fight which had brought her thus far. Their light refused to be dimmed, let alone extinguished. Bar by bar, the music permitted the luminescent rays of hope and remembered joy to permeate even the darkest and most cavernous depths of her doubt and fears.

A wry smile crossed her face as the album began again as soon as it had finished. But it quickly fell. The technicolour temptations again called her name, attempting to bewitch her soul and deny its mortal existence under the pretence of keeping her from harm and evil.

But another sin wafted its shiny hypnotising trap in front of her. She initially considered it a hallucination by a damaged mind. Nonetheless, she simultaneously recognised a need to give it due creedence. Because there is one place, one time, since the nightmare of all this first began that she had found a semblance of peace again. One pair of arms that had provided unquestioning sanctuary and hope.

************************  
The bruised circles under Finn’s eyes were only getting deeper and his eyes puffier with lack of sleep for he had not been able to relax knowing that she was out there somewhere with him. Somewhere in a flat, maybe reading, possibly cooking, potentially laughing. Yet he fears these far less than the spectres of what he truly believed was happening. For her happiness had long become far more important than his own.

He sighs and starts the disinfecting ritual required between customers. He’s no one booked in that afternoon but inaction would be akin to torture. Being left alone with her memory is too disturbing, too grievous for his broken self to tolerate. He recommences cleaning as soon as he is finished as if it will somehow reconcile him to the transgressions of their last meeting; the last time he held her.

He considers leaving for the pub, to obliterate the ghost that lingers in his studio with alcohol, even in the the knowledge that the effect would merely be transitory. Pulling his battered jacket on, he hears Chop and Mike at work, and a sense of duty insists that he carry on. His fingers close around his tobacco and he stops to roll another cigarette. He traipses outside, hiding out back near the motley collection of industrial waste bins used by their row shops.

He lights up and draws the smoke deep into his lungs, leaning back against the wall; one knee up, his eyes cast low. He is so immersed in the soothing sacrament that he doesn’t notice the darkly clad figure until her near inaudible shaky tone reaches his ears making him drop his glowing roll up in shock.

Shakingly he lifts his eyes considering the mirage before him. It’s only when his name leaves her lips a second time that he closes the gap between them, intending to immediately realise his innermost need. He suddenly stops mid movement. For something disturbs him about her posture, the absence of light in her eyes. He remains close before her, desperately praying he can control his breath.

“F..Finn…I….I… I need…your….your professional …opinion on something.”

He notes how she refuses to meet his eyes, so gently he places a hand on her shoulder to steer her into the studio but she flinches. Fear tightens its grip on him.

“Right….come on…follow me.”

She remains rooted to the spot and he turns back in thought.

“It’s okay Mae….the others are busy working….just you and me right?”

Somewhat reluctantly. she follows him into his studio. He pauses at the door vacillating as to what to do, eventually closing it gently behind them.

“Ya need to know ya can leave at time……I jus’ thought…..” He trails off -  the situation too precarious, too precious to continue.

From a distance he watches her climb onto the couch grimacing. It takes his breath away; his chest tight, his head dizzy. She pulls her legs hard to her chest then whimpers softly. He’s on his knees next to her, gently stroking her hand before his rational self could consider these actions.

“Mae?…..It’s me…..you remember….the dickhead.”

The faint smile on her lips fails to reach her eyes. Her lips move in silent motion, as if seeking elusive words. He remains low, his fingers stroking the back of her hand, in a potentially misguided attempt to convey the smallest part of the turmoil within.

“Finn……I need….I need to understand……it’s my….It’s Tix’s tattoo…..s…s..something’s happened to it……and I…need to understand whether it ….whether the damage is permanent.”

Bile rises to his throat as she gently lifts her shirt. The first glimpse of the dark hues alarms him unsteadily to his feet. When he finally understands, he has to turn away in the act of pulling on gloves.

“Erm….” He clears his throat, immediately dropping to her level so as to not exacerbate the imbalance further. His hand trembles to the extent that bringing it near the weeping red and blistered skin proves exceptionally challenging. He’s never seen anything quite like it before but slowly his mind filters the possibilities.

When they finally emerge, his words are cracked and clipped. “C…chemical..burn?”

She nods pitifully and whispers “Bleach……he…urm…he….” A pair of tears trickles down her cheeks.

He puts his finger briefly to his lips then rips his gloves off. Courageously his thumbs smoothe the shiny tracks on her face.

“Mae..” His voice gruff and near disconsolate.

“Mae…” He tilts her face towards his and waits until her eyes finally meet his.

“I think…..honestly…I think tha’ needs a doctor….it’ll probably be infected…..”

He winces at her small whimper.

“I….oh Mae…..fuck….”

Unthinkingly he’s on the couch, next to her, stroking her hair. It takes him an indeterminate amount of time to realise she’s accepting his touch. Ever so tenderly, he places his arms around her. Yet he could not be gentle enough for she quivers and visions of the atrocious bruising torment him. Instinct tells him to pull her in protectively tight, yet reason is victorious.

Her voice is near inaudible such that he has to strain as her fraught words tumble out in a near silent maelstrom.

“He….he didn’t approve……said it were cheap…..said I was a whore …..said that my body had to be cleansed……it’s not the pain….just it was my special reminder of Tixy and I…..I.”

“Shushhh…….shushhh……you’re safe ….it’s just you and me……”

His lips drop a kiss in her hair. He tries to ignore the rush of conflicting emotions surging through body and soul. He sits ever so gently holding her in silent comfort, trying to slow the all pervasive despondency that threatens to overcome him by focusing on her soft trembling breaths against his skin. She shivers against him and he feels something inside him break and a tear escapes his puffy eyes.

His heart races, for something has caught his eye, something unexpected and discordant about her appearance. For she is wearing a long skirt. He wonders why he had not noticed this before. He would never understand what made him so bold as to ask, why he needed to express those words. Instantly said, he wishes he could recall their crass and brazen exit:

“Can I…could I just check on …on your other ink?”

However, she doesn’t recoil or burst free, rather her quivering hands ever so gently pull the black fabric up from her ankles. The expression on her face, bleak yet unreadable.  
He’s so relieved to find his other work, unscathed that it takes quite some time for him to notice the depravity inflicted on her pale skin. For there, on her soft inner thighs, are inimitable dark purple bruises. His brain takes an inordinate amount of time to process these but when he lifts his eyes to hers, he knows.

Suddenly and violently bile rises once more.But this time he has no chance of controlling its predetermined course and he rushes to the toilet where the contents of his stomach meet the toilet pan in torrent of brown liquid. Retching continues to take a hold of his body as an unbearable stream of excruciating images vexes his mind. He hurriedly washes his hands afraid of leaving her too long.

Haunting silence fills his empty studio upon his return and he curses his pathetic body. He runs from the building, calling her name. He sprints down the street until his lungs feel like they might burst. But there is no trace. He hares back down in the opposite direction calling like a man possessed. He stumbles grazing his hand badly and realises there’s a crowd watching his crazed display; half in horror, half in judgement.

He crawls to his feet running back inside his studio. Nothing can calm the raging inferno inside him.Nothing can soothe the mutilating agony. An apoplectic rage of impotence shakes him and he screams hurling his trolley to the floor. His hands throw everything they can find against the wall, his feet find his cupboards, his lungs expunge curses with every breath.

“…The Fuck?…..Mike….Mike” Chop shouts as he wrestles with Finn who has already punched him hard in the gut.

His fists and feet fly out in fury unaware of any target. His friends finally subdue his wrathful body and he collapses ignominiously in exhaustion onto the floor.

Lip and hands bleeding, face bruised, the tears finally come in Mike’s arms.

“What the bloody fuck Finn?” His friend questions softly.

He thinks he’s going to vomit again as his body begins to retch. Chop’s already dropped a bowl in front of him. Mike rubs his back soothingly as nothing but burning bile is released.

By the time he’s remotely coherent and sat up, Chop has returned with a round of steaming teas quietly whispering.

“I’ve sorted it….all rebooked.”

He sips at the tea disconsolately in self disgust. Another wave of shock crashes over him. Chop hands him a lit cigarette, which he smokes in palpable silence.

“It..she……Mae ……she…..she c..c…came….sh…sh..she was here……b….b..”

He raises his eyes sufficiently to capture the confusion evident in his friends’ faces and somehow he finds the strength to continue.

“B…b…but she….l…l..left….I ran…I tried….but….she …she’s..she’s gone..”

“What do’you mean Rae was here?” Mikes voice cold and distant.

“She…..she……ff ff fuck…..she’s…..he’s…..s…s…”

The warmth from Chop’s hand on his shoulder decreases the tension just enough.

“She’s….she’s in a real bad way…..really….really..bad.”

“The hell did you let her leave Nelson? Fucking hell..” Mike’s tone was icy fury.

“I…..it….it were ….it were…..so…so bad….t..t..that I….”

“Was that you puking in the toilet?” Chop saving the situation.

Mike blanched as comprehension slowly started to seep in.

“Finn…..this is really really important….I need you to tell me what….what you saw….what she said….I need to know as her boyfriend. “ He was unsure as to why he had uncharacteristically added the last word in a pique of possessiveness.

Shame suffused Finn’s being. “She….she didn’t say much…but …I think…she’s back with …with that…that …that shit.” He spat.

“He’s……he’s…..there were so much bruising….he’s….it were brutal….” He paused knowing there were things he simply couldn’t and shouldn’t voice.

“Fucking Christ no….no..” Mike’s face crumpled, his hand covering his mouth.

“And I…it were just so ….so…..I couldn’t help it….I couldn’t help it….” Finn pleaded. “When I came back…..she were gone.”

He was in Chop’s arms now as the friends tried to process recent events.

************************  
The lights were low. The evening air cool. The dulcet tones of Blur’s greatest hits were only interrupted by intermittent stifled sobs as Finn pressed his head against Archie’s arm, Jim warming him on the other side.

He had kept himself together, at great personal suffering, out of respect until the others had left Archie’s flat. Finally breaking down when the door had closed for the final time.

The crisis meeting had only served to spread fear throughout the group, for there had been no progress in determining her possible location. His self despising had reached new depths as no words or comforting gestures could recompense for the treacherous way his body had reacted and the resultant devastating implications.

“Finn…..Finn…” Archie stroked his friend’s hair.

“There’s nothing you could have done Finn. Nothing…..for whatever reason she ran….that was her choice….and if she’d wanted you to find her….if she’d wanted you to follow….” Jim’s voice trailed off.

“Why did she come then……w…w..why did she visit me…..s…she showed me….the….he’d scrubbed her skin with bleach for fuck’s sake.”

“Sweet jesus…” Despite having promised himself to remain the calm, rational one, Jim’s resolve was ever diminishing.

Archie’s eyes shut, blinking back the tears. He swallowed and gathered himself.

“Finn…..I think…I think she wanted you to help her…..but maybe….maybe she was just too afraid….and….I think she choose you deliberately Finn.”

Finn frowned. “What because I…’cos her inked her?”

Archie shook his head unable to prevent a tear escaping. “No Finn, not quite. I …I….I think you two have a special bond….something different…..she needed you Finn….she wanted you….nobody else.”

“But why did she go?” He bit his lip hard and once again blood trickled down his chin.

“I don’t know Finn. I really don’t know.”

It was gone 6am when Archie and Jim finally managed to get Finn to sleep having somewhat unwisely medicated him with brandy.

**********************************  
Finn crawled out of bed; all wild hair and bloodshot eyes to find Archie and Jim sat at the kitchen table.

“I…I don’t understand.” He stuttered.

“We’ve taken the day off work. Chop’s gone to the police to make a report. You and I’ll need to go later.” Jim stated calmingly, concealing his true position.

“First of all….you’re going to eat something and then….then we’ll go and sort your studio out. Mike’s in a state and ….and that…that seems like a sensible thing to do.”

Archie clearly not having considered his words for once, allowed his mouth to have got away from him.

They surveyed the damage to Finn’s studio - smashed glass, broken equipment, ink everywhere. Finn sighed and started to pick up the glass, piece by piece depositing it in a metal bin. This was one of the most heartbreaking things he’d ever done - for he felt that in one fell swoop he had destroyed what he’d taken so long to build up on both personal and professional fronts.

The trio worked in silence for half an hour when the door bell tinkled heralding Chop and Mike’s arrival. Four sat in silence drinking cups of tea as Finn continued to work fervidly yet numbly - trying to restore order. He only noticed that he’d cut himself on a shard of glass when the blood dripped onto the pale linoleum floor., leaving a crimson trail from one end of the room to the other. He cursed inwardly and sought out a dressing.

Scrabbling amongst the mess on the side, a crumpled slip of paper caught his attention. He picked it up, wondering what on earth a receipt for Suede’s eponymous LP was doing in his studio when he’d bought his copy years ago. He was about to cast it into the bin full of glass when the writing caught his eye. His addled brain took an inordinate amount of time to decode the words and their meaning.

As soon as he realised, he ran through the building thrusting the paper in Archie’s face.

“We have ta go…now….give me yer keys.”

Archie frowned before he too cottoned on. “Not in that state Nelson….I’ll drive…..Jim you’d better stay here and …..”

“What the fuck?” Mike snatched the paper then grabbed his coat, following Finn, Chop and Archie out of the studio at a sprint.

*************************  
The hour long journey back to Stamford felt like an eternity. Each too scared to vocalise their fears lest they predict reality. Half finished sentences hung in the air, their endings too terrible to be aired.

Mike grabbed Finn’s cigarettes as he was fumbling with the packet on the back seat. Finn initially swatted his hands away before he understood. Shakingly, he lit one and passed it to his friend, who he had not seen smoke for many years, before lighting his own.

Somehow, Chop successfully navigated them to an address that none had ever visited before, one that they hoped would bring the answer to their supplications. Each prayed to gods known or unknown, begging for leniency, for mercy, repenting their own transgressions in the hope of sparing another.

Such was their haste that they fell out of the car in an undignified fashion but then ground to a halt. None had considered or discussed the possibility of her not being there; or him being there with her. Each had suppressed the terrible possibilities of what this house could have in store for them, what its walls might have seen and kept secret for these past two weeks.

In the end it was Chop who started to bang on the door but to no avail. The others circled round the back, peering in at windows and bashing on the back door. There was no response. Chop’s banging verged on the demented when a voice shouted from above.

“Oi…..What in God’s name is going on?”

“It’s…it’s our mate….we’re searching for her?”

“What?….He’s not at home…just piss off will yous I’m trying to sleep.”

“He’s not at home…..what do’you mean he’s not at home?” Mike shouted.

“Out at work…now do one…come back in a couple of hours. He’ll be here.”

Chop’s banging continued as the neighbour came to grumpily descend the stairs.

“For fuck’s sake what’s wrong with you people?”

Archie paused and walked over. “It’s not him we’re searching for. We’re looking for a girl….a tall girl….we …we think she’s in serious trouble…please…”

“Hang on…you mean a pretty dark haired girl?”

The group stopped in their tracks and turned as one towards the neighbour.

“Haven’t seen her for days….I thought his girlfriend was just visiting…..”

Finn blanched and slumped against the wall.

“I don’t understand…..come back when he’s here…it won’t be long now fellas.”

“No…no she’s …..you don’t get it…..he’s …..he’s a violent bastard….he’s been….we think he’s been….”

“Oh….oh….right. No need to break the door down then….I still have a spare key from the last tenants.”

Chop opened the door and the four tentatively stepped inside the sordid, dank maisonette. The upstairs neighbour keeping watch at the front door. The air was thick and cloying. It was dingy with all its ratty curtains drawn but no lights on. Chop and Finn remained downstairs whilst Mike and Archie bounded up the stairs calling her name.

Finn and Chop wandered disillusioned up the stairs after a fruitless search. Archie and Mike shook their heads disconsolately, when a small sob was heard from behind one of the doors.

Mike slowly walked in, talking in hushed tones. She lay on the far side of the bed, curled into a tight ball. Mike quickly understood Finn’s violent reaction as he took in her swollen eye and cut cheek and the way she was rocking herself back and forth. He sat down ever so gently beside her comprehending her catatonic state for what it was.

“P..petal….it’s me….I want you to come home with us. We’ve all missed you so so much.”

Her motion never ceased and in the end his impulse to touch her won out. However, she recoiled violently from his fingers throwing her hands over the back of her head protectively.  
He remained there for some time trying to talk to her, trying to soothe her but all his attempts remained in vain.

And then it hit him. It hadn’t been him she’d gone to. It hadn’t been him she’d left the address for and it wasn’t him that she had needed. With a heavy heart, he got up and walked out to his assembled friends.

“She …she won’t come.” His tone unintentionally severe. “Finn……Finn.”

Finn took a hesitant step forward.

“Finn….you…you’d better go in there.”

“Nah you’re her boyfriend Mike….just persist…just be calm and console her……let her trust you…she’ll..”

“For fuck’s sake…she came to you …..now you….you go in there and you…you bring her out…..Finn…” His tone verging on menacing.

Finn was shaking as he entered the room, the weight of expectation a heavy burden, for failure was not an option, not this time. His breath caught in his throat as he caught sight of her. He severely berated himself for bringing this upon her.

“Mae…..oh Mae…….Jesus Christ Mae.” He dropped to his knees next to her.

Her rocking continued. He almost instantly recognised that she was going to have to accept his touch if they were to get her out of there. He suspected she was in real pain if the sweat dripping off her bruised face was an indicator.

She shuddered lightly as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Mae…..I’m so sorry Mae…I”  His voiced cracked but then his resolve hardened when he recalled yesterday’s ending.

“Mae…I’m going to put me hand on yer….I’m not going to hurt ya…but I need ta know….it’s important ya tell me…..where it really hurts…..I don’t want ta make it worse.”

This time she tolerated his touch. His fingers gently stroking her shoulder soothed her and she uncoiled slightly. His hand moved to her hair and he stroked as he whispered:

“You’re safe Mae….I promise I won’t leave ya….you’re safe…..could ya….could ya give me ya hand….”

Ever so slowly, she let go of one of her knees allowing her hand to hang limply on the floor. He picked it up and felt it cold and clammy in his warm strong one. He squeezed it gently.

“Mae….if ya hear me and ya understand…..could ya…could ya squeeze me hand.”

He waited but there was no response. So he calmly and patiently repeated himself accidentally placing a kiss in her hair. This time he felt a small squeeze.

“We need get ya out of here….girl….its no’ safe.”

She squeezed his hand again, a little firmer this time.

“Can ya….can ya get up?”

Ever so slowly she unfolded her whole body, wincing and flinching as she tried to straighten her limbs. She accepted his help and very unsteadily attempted to get to her feet but gasped in pain, toppling onto the bed.

“Ok…it’s ok Mae….I’ve got ya.”  Finn placed his arms gently around her.

At first, she shrunk away but slowly her fingers sought out his arms, his neck and she clung onto him shivering.

Finn emerged from the room, Rae’s broken and battered body in his arms walking quickly and assuredly down the stairs. The others parted to let him pass and followed him quickly out of the door.

Chop swung open the car’s back door and Finn ever so carefully slid her in. But she wouldn’t let go. Archie and Chop were completing a quick sweep for her bag when a car pulled up behind them. None of them fully comprehended what was happening when a burly man strode up to the front door, shouting.

Finn was out of the car so quickly that he took Mike by surprise. But Mike grabbed him roughly, roaring in his face:

“You get the fuck back in that car now Nelson…..you don’t let go of her…do’you understand….you hold her….like she needs you to….bloody get back there now…do’you hear me!”

Finn had never seen Mike this angry. He knew that for the first time Mike was beginning to understand. He watched in horror and awe, as Mike marched over to the man who was remonstrating with Archie and Chop and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and Mike floored him with a series of vicious punches, eventually being dragged away by Chop and the neighbour.

“Jesus Mike….you don’t want to end up in prison do you!”

“..;s’alright I promise you….nobody saw anything today…” The neighbour winked. “That bastard deserves it….tell you once people find out what he’s done….”

Mike slammed the front door shut and the car squealed leaving black marks on the road as Chop raced off.

********************************  
Chop had automatically driven back to his house. They pulled onto the block paved driveway in the dark, the house door opening before the first occupants had time to exit the car. Three pairs of worried eyes counted out the figures, barely visible due to a broken streetlight. Three bodies quickly appeared staring back at car. The fourth, initially appearing to be a very strange shape, took a long time to come into view.The first three afforded the fourth immediate safe passage into the house.

Chloe gasped as it became apparent that Finn was carrying Rae who clung tightly to him her head buried in his chest. It was only when he carefully placed her onto the sofa and she wouldn’t move or even let go, that Chloe and Izzy finally surmised that something was seriously amiss. For an unspoken pact had existed between the men to protect the girls until they absolutely had to say something.

Izzy frowned at Chop, who remained feet planted to the spot staring straight ahead. She looked over in confusion to her friend, who was shuddering, whilst Finn was stroking her hair. Mike was pacing the room and Archie was quietly talking to Jim in muted tones.

Chloe’s mouth hung slightly agape as Finn turned his head to catch Mike’s eye and gestured with his head to join them but Mike sadly shook his head. This time Finn was mouthing something at Mike, pleading with his eyes. Mike stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath and squatted in front of the pair. A whispered exchange followed and Mike put his hand on Finn’s shoulder and nodded before walking off and upstairs.

Chloe looked to Izzy, who shrugged her shoulders in complete bewilderment. But Chloe couldn’t contain herself any longer.

“Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

Archie and Chop turned in horror only then understanding how confused she and Izzy must be. Eventually, Rae turned her head towards her friends. Chloe startled before running to her friend throwing her arms around her. This was no joyous reunion for Rae flinched in pain and Chloe withdrew her embrace rapidly.

“Oh shit Rae…what has he done to you…..what has he done?” Chloe started to cry.

Izzy took Rae’s hand in her smaller one, sitting on the floor. Finn shuffled on the sofa but Rae would not loosen her hold.

Chop presented them each with a mug of tea. He had got the cups confused such that Mike ended up with sugary weak brew and Chloe with Mike’s strong, dark cup. However, this small error caused the tension to finally break as stifled giggles at their disgusted faces emerged.  Finn motioned for Archie to put some music on.

By the time there was a knock on the door, Finn was humming along to Oasis and Rae was huddled against him, as opposed to holding on for dear life.

Mike led the stranger in. Surprise was evident in Izzy’s face as Chop and Archie hugged the tall blond lady. Chloe’s face crumpled and she gave Izzy one of her famous “Who the fuck?” stares. The lady sat next to Rae and smiling, she tapped Finn on the shoulder. He returned the smile warmly.

“Hi Rae….I’m Sammy….I’m a nurse…..I know you’re frightened and in pain. I just want to help you. I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I won’t even touch you if you don’t want me to. But….but I’d like to see whether you’re going to need stitches or anything else. Is that ok Rae? Will you let me help you?”

Rae nodded wordlessly.

Finn carried Rae up to his room, fear and disgust once again rising. He carefully laid her on his rather messy bed. It took quite some persuasion on both his and Sammy’s parts such that he could leave the girls to talk in privacy.

Finn’s journey took him straight down the stairs and out of the front door; where he collapsed on the garden wall, head between his knees. Chop was swift to follow and fumbled in Finn’s shirt, lighting the pair cigarettes. Running one hand through the back of his hair, Finn smoked with the other.

“You ok mate? Nah that’s a shite question…. the fuck’s got into me tonight…..She’ll be ok mate…the body recovers quickly…..but….”

“Do’you have any idea what he’s done Chopper?” Finn quickly fell silent.

Chop shook his head. “We’ve got her safe now Finn…she’s going to need all of her friends around her…..fuckin’ good job Mike used to date a nurse…knew she would come in useful for something at some point.”

Finn snorted. “ Chop really! She’s bloody nice….”

“Humpff…dodgy taste in tattoos though.”

Finn sniggered. “You’re only saying that ‘cos she turned you down.”

“Nah I’ve got Izz now and I love her.”

“I know.” Finn’s voice soft and low. “But you’ve never forgiven Mike.”

“Don’t be daft Finn…..you know he’ll get over it……Shit!” Chop clapped his hand over his mouth realising what he’d inadvertently let slip.

“Finn… you know Mike and I are great mates…..and…..Jesus mate….Rae needs you…you’ve got to …”

Chop broke off as Sammy appeared with Mike.

Finn offered her his cigarette packet and handed her the lighter with a wry smile. Mike grabbed the packet from her and also lit up.

Finn stood but Sammy placed a hand on his chest causing him to sit back down.

“I…you all need to hear this…..she’s in a right mess. There’s a hell of lot of bruising…..the cuts are superficial and don’t need stitching……but I suspect….I think she’s got broken ribs…..and I’m not sure about the swelling on her left leg. At a guess she’s been stamped on. But I don’t think there is an underlying fracture……I’m pretty sure it’ll need antibiotics. She really needs to go to hospital though…I can’t do much….but she’s adamant she doesn’t want to.”

“We’ll persuade won’t we.” Chop stated confidently.

The others remained silent.

“Look….I wouldn’t push her right now…please….she’s been through a hell of an ordeal.” Sammy replied.

“If she needs hospital….then we ought to…” Mike looked at his shoes.

“If she still won’t go to hospital tomorrow…I’ll see who can find……..really it needs to be hospital for x-rays and the police should be involved……but providing we can get her some decent pain relief and antibiotics for the infection caused by the burns…”

“What burns?” Mike’s voice low.

Finn bit his lip. “I think it were bleach.”

Mike turned to face Finn. “He did what?”

“I….” Finn’s words failed him. He didn’t dare say anything lest the truth should out and he intuitively knew she would want to be the one to make that decision.

“Oh….and..” Sammy turned to face Finn. “She’s been asking for you Finny…you take good care of her for me… I’ll come back to tomorrow.”

She placed a kiss on Finn’s cheek before driving off into the dark night.

*************************************  
Finn sat on his bed, rubbing her back with a featherlight touch. Her body faced away from him, curled up in the fetal position. Somehow Archie had got her to drink a cup of tea but she wouldn’t settle without Finn. He had switched on Slowdive, softly humming.

After quite some considerable time, her breathing had become slow and even and he’d been relieved to find she had finally conceded to sleep. He had dared to wander downstairs, shattered and distressed. He’d pushed his food around his plate before leaving prematurely to smoke again. Willingly, he had accepted yet another cup of tea and was listlessly wilting on the sofa when the screaming began.

He was on his feet within seconds but Mike held him back as Chloe and Izzy ran up the stairs.  
Mike stared at him straight in the eye, his voice fierce and with tones of ill concealed ire:

“Finn…..you…you go up there….you do whatever she needs…you stay with her overnight…. sleep in the bed…. whatever she needs…do’you hear me…Nelson….whatever she needs.”

Finn nodded mutely and accurately opined that Mike most certainly knew as he shook him away roughly.

Rae was near hysterical by the time he arrived, weeping, tremors sweeping through her body. Ever so slowly, he sat on the bed and reached his hand out to her, allowing it to rest on her skin, before he extended his arm around her. Again, he allowed some moments to pass before taking her into his arms.

She collapsed into him, grasping his shirt, dry sobs periodically escaping as he rocked her in his arms. He was grateful that Chloe had had the foresight to switch the radio on, providing him a beat to sustain. It had taken the best part of an hour for her to tolerate his embrace sufficiently to lie down. Her breathing once again assumed a slow regular rhythm. Yet he was sore afraid of letting her go. His eyes remained wide open as he listened to the radio, long after she had sucummbed to sleep’s hynoptic dance.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right this is where all the WARNINGS come. We still have the hangovers from part 12 which was dark and raw.  
> There are descriptions of injuries etc that are a result of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and that sort of vile depravity. Please note there are no descriptions of the acts actually occuring.   
> There is mental illness, PTSD, flashbacks, OCD, depression.   
> But it’s lighter than 12.  
> Writing this broke me. I don’t know why as I expected that to happen with 12.  
> I realised I was trying to control the convergence of two massive themes at the same time and had no idea how to cope with them….and I think that’s how the characters would react - with confusion and ensure as to what to ask…. how to act….so here it goes.  
> OH and it’s Good Friday so I’m afraid I’ve reverted to a bit of lamenting in a graveyard! (Yes I seem to recall something like that in Airwaves…) oh well  
> The ending is a little sad but it’s all good news really. Rae’s doing something positive at last. There’s no way she will forget Finn….. she’s a prolific writer!

Her eyes remain closed as consciousness slowly drifts back. Momentarily, she freezes as she tries to identify her surroundings, for the feel of the bed and its smell seem alien. Panic begins to course through her veins such that her body contracts in a violent startle. This simple act sends wave after wave of pain through her body, causing visions of the purgatory endured to materialise in all their nefarious glory.

 

A desolate moan escapes her lips, her limbs tensing in an instinctual response. Yet, in her drowsily confused state, the flight signals have little impact. She buries her face in the pillow attempting to regain control and inhales the scent. Even in her agitated state, she recognises it as familiar. Although she cannot quite place it, it brings succour and comfort; lowering her soaring heart rate, loosening her tight chest.

 

Tentatively, she tries to open her eyes, discovering the lashes are still thick with sleep and have no intention of cooperating. When she finally succeeds in prying them apart, she is a little taken aback by her surroundings; the thick dark green carpet, the pale walls, the band posters and what look to be crates of vinyl bearing some of the clothes that are scattered higgility piggelty all over the place. Slowly, and jarringly, the cogs whirr in her mind. She’s still trying to make sense of it all when the bed undulates, rendering her fearful and perplexed.

 

The movement stops almost as soon as it started and the lingering aroma becomes stronger still. Tension ebbs from her body such that she gathers the resolve to face the mystery. Rolling over is near excruciating and she surmises that her body has sustained considerable damage. She whimpers, finally making it onto her side, and her eyes blow wide open.

 

For there, curled on top of the covers behind her, lies the one man who inherently bestows her with a sense of safety and security. His breathing deep and even, his face relaxed and heavy with slumber. She permits herself the opportunity to study his features unobserved. His hair sleep tousled, his eyebrows thick, a smattering of freckles on his face, a single earring sits in his ear, dark stubble more than just evident along his jawline.

 

Despite a yellowing bruise and healing cut on his cheek, purple imprinted circles under his eyes and a still raw looking lip, nothing could deny his beauty. Defying the aching in her side, she stretches her fingers forward until they are near grazing his face; needing to touch, to feel, to ensure this is no mirage. She stops short as he breathes a little jaggedly, bringing his fingers towards his mouth.

 

Her jaw hangs slightly agape as he places two fingers in his mouth, reminiscent of a child seeking comfort, and, apparently soothed, he sighs and wriggles such that he is facing her. The slither of an inked pattern emerges from his shirtsleeve, mesmerising her. But this time she prevents herself from following her instinct, simply flexing and stretching her fingers before closing her heavy eyes.

 

Deeply inhaling his heady musk, her muscles relax as she concentrates on his deep even breathing. Consoled by his very presence, sleep begins to once again weave his sinuous fingers around her carrying her off to his deep and dreamless realm.

 

******************

Finn yawned and stretched out languorously like a cat on his back, throwing his arms above his head. Eyes remaining tightly shut, he grunted contentedly and then rolled back onto his right side. His eyelids flickered open and he had to suppress a small gasp. For lying next to him, in his very own bed, was the girl, no woman, who had brought such happiness and wrought such sorrow. A knot formed in his belly as he looked at her, the weight of the recents events pressing heavily on his chest.

 

She appeared to be sleeping soundly; a serene expression on her face. For this moment at least, he was thankful. A pained sigh escaped his lips as he considered his course of action. All the heinous memories of the last few days clouded his mind, making it nigh on impossible for him to focus. Unthinkingly, his left arm reaches behind him, flicking on the stereo and the sweet, quiet sounds of Slowdive once again suffused the room in the milky dawn.

 

Considering conceding to his desire to stroke her hair, he became concerned that it could be disorientating and possibly terrifying for her to find him so close upon waking. It quickly becomes apparent that staying much longer presents an ever decreasing possibility for his bladder was full and his mouth painfully dry.

 

When he left the the bathroom, it hit him that he hadn’t eaten for the best part of two days. Trudging down the stairs, he fished his trusty tobacco from out of his lumberjack shirt pocket. Patting his jeans down for the matching lighter, he was somewhat oblivious to the the crowd gathered in the living room until Chop spoke:

 

“How is she Finn?”

 

He grunted in bewilderment; for facing him were the worried and interested faces of Izzy, Chloe, Archie, Jim and Mike. A strange mixture of fear, shame and guilt permeated his being, rendering him mute and rooted to the spot.

 

“Finn….Finn?” Archie stood up, walked over and placed a comforting hand on his arm.

 

“Have you just left her up there alone?” Mike questioned, ill disguising his disgust.

 

It took quite some moments for Finn to snap out of his trance, stuttering his near incomprehensible answer:  
  


“I….I….I…Sh…sh..she is …sh she is sl…sl..sleepin’ and…I..I…d…d…didn’t w..want…ta..w..wake..her..”

 

His gaze remained glued to his boots as Mike’s voice bit back:

 

“That’s really not good enough Nelson.”

 

“B….b…but I….I ….I needed ta smoke and have a cup of tea…..I jus’ thought….she she looked so peaceful an’ I didn’t want ta…”

 

“Sorry …..Finn I….” Mike’s voice gruff and low as he suddenly got up from the sofa and made his way towards the front door.

 

“Mike….I ….we…we need ta talk…I need ta ”

 

“Not now…” Mike’s voice cold verging on callous. He was incapable of looking at Finn as he walked out of the open door.

 

But then he stopped and turned. “Nelson…..I need you…I need you to look after her…with everything in you….please…..anything she needs……anything.”

 

His face marred by sadness, Mike ensured he had Finn’s gaze before he left.

 

Ashamed, Finn perched atop the low front garden wall, lighting up. Intense feelings of self loathing saturated to his core as the full implications and consequences of his actions began to slowly unravel. Sucking deeply and thoughtfully on his roll-up, Finn started slowly picking his way through his behaviour; his lack of consideration for one of his greatest friend and supporters, and his feelings when it came to the woman who was the nucleus for all the charybdis and tumult.

 

With the beauty and wisdom of hindsight, he understood that he should have called a halt to things far sooner than he had. Yet, simultaneously, he was incapable of denying those feelings that had brought him to this unexpected place.

 

He had fallen for her, far sooner than he had dared admit up until now. He recalled their first row over music at Chop’s party with a wry smile; the way he’d bought into his own mistruth that he disliked her. Yet the deep protective instinct that had been awoken within him from the night she was being hassled by men in the club, had only grown stronger. There was something about her, something that he couldn’t pinpoint or describe that drew him to her; like a moth to a flame.

 

Memories of that first night they’d properly talked after he’d installed the decks in her flat drifted into his mind. The ache for her company had developed from there, as if a piece of him were missing without her comforting presence.Tattooing her had represented the start of the slippery slope, though not quite the point of no return.

 

He reasoned that he never should have danced with her, for that was a purely selfish act, the motives being personal need and pleasure. Yet she had not denied him but had reciprocated in the way her body had moved against his. Turning back from their first kiss would have required an iron will and heart of stone that he did not possess. He had so firmly, yet delicately been entrapped by her silvery web.

 

The ever so familiar rounds of self depreciation continued down the well trodden path of chastising himself regards his feelings for a woman. He wondered how the hell he could explain and rationalise all his narcissistic errors, for were he Mike, he would find them unforgivable. The few hours spent on Archie’s sofa puzzled him. For his friend and his boyfriend must have known that the relationship had evolved beyond the platonic, yet they had chosen to remain silent on the subject.

 

He began to comprehend that his relationship with Laura had damaged his ability to act with clarity and had simultaneously enhanced his ingrained need for affection, love and companionship. Nonetheless, he recognised his dogged determination to persist in that relationship as a step on the path to self destruction. And for the very first time, he discerned that Rae was not the only one who needed some sort of help.

 

He sniffed back the tears threatening to fall, in full comprehension of what he must do: for there were many conversations to be had, apologies to be given, appointments to be booked.

 

He would come to understand that his inner monologue of self chastisement had been prolonged out of unconscious anxiety. For it had delayed the inevitable spectres of the past 48 hours. One of which instilled such dread in him, that its tense heartbeat started as soon as it had been conceived.

 

This time he castigated himself for perceived weakness, how his body and nerve had forsaken him when he’d needed them most. They had shown no mercy, unwittingly condemning her to Liam’s vengeful hands. From their previous interactions, he had wondered and suspected, but for some reason had found it far more harrowing when faced with the reality. Nothing she had said or intimated, could have prepared him for either her disturbing revelation at his studio or the state he had found her in the following day.

 

He swallowed back the rising nausea. Feelings of inadequacy threatened to overwhelm. He sighed and chewed at his cuticles, painfully aware of the questions barrelling through his weary mind.

*************************

Izzy finally capitulated to her need to see her friend, carrying up a tray of tea and digestives, believing her to be awake due to the music playing. However, Rae remained immobile as she opened the door. Gently, she perched on the the bed, balancing the tray atop a crate and started to stroke her friend’s lank hair.

 

“Oh Rae…..oh Rae…..why did you have to go….why did you have to go back to him….I just wish you’d talked to us…..we could have helped…..we all love you…..all of us…” She lamented.

 

A tear inadvertently slipped down Rae’s cheek for she had heard her friend’s words. Thankfully she was too exhausted and too defeated to wield the rod of self chastisement and simply deferred, allowing her eyelids to flutter open.

 

A small gasp escaped from her mouth as she took her friend’s hand in her own.

 

“I’m….I’m so sorry Izz……I really am…..I should…..I should never have…..and I’ve caused all this …..the boys had to come looking for me….I feel like a complete knob-head for having left such a mess behind wherever I go…whatever I do.”

 

“Oh Rae. You know…you….what’s happened to you is something no one should ever experience….we just want to understand why……why would you go back…….why after all those months Rae…..weren’t we enough for you…I just don’t understand.”

 

“I…..I…I really dunno Izz……I just……I ….I’ve fucked everything up Izz…..I really have and then I thought……well maybe I thought…..it’s what I deserved… I mean I fell out with Chlo and had a row with Jim…..”

 

Izzy raised an eyebrow, even though she suspected the direction of her friend’s confession.

 

“The thing is I made Mike feel terrible…..I just kept pushing him away and he…he’s such a wonderful, kind, clever…good-looking gentleman and….and…”

 

“What’s happened with Finn….Rae …..and please don’t say “nothing”….because we both know that isn’t true.” Izzy’s tone forgiving and patient.

 

“I….well….the thing is I…we….” And the tears started to fall heavily and painfully, such that she needed to wait for their subsidence before recommencing her avowal.

 

“I….I mean I….I didn’t mean to…I didn’t ask for these feeling but…but I just can’t help it….and the thing is….it’s ……” Her words getting caught on her shame.

 

“..Its just I……I feel safe with him….secure…..he…he gets me…..he accepted me for all the shit that I am and have been through and doesn’t push or question and I…..I…”

 

“Rae….just how….just what happened between you two…I mean….”

 

Rae snuffled. “I…we…we kissed……more than once…..and…..well….”

 

Izzy’s eyes opened in shock. “Please tell me you didn’t….”

 

Rae shook her head. “But they weren’t exactly just kisses…..they…there was intent there.”

 

Her own face crumpled in shock at the frankness of her disclosure.

 

“I…..I….there’s just something about….about Finn.” She sobbed, gazing upwards to catch sight of Chloe, who was standing just inside the door, an expression of distaste on her face.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me Rae…..remember when we spoke I…I asked you….”

 

Rae looked up at her friend, her eyes trying to plead for leniency.

 

“You know Rae….much as I don’t get why Mike wasn’t right for you…..I would have supported you through it all. We might have had a bit of a row over it…..and I know can be pretty judgemental at times but….we could have worked through it together. I’m most hurt by the fact that you couldn’t have just told me the truth. And actually Rae…..you can’t help who you fall in love with. And you know damn well that I ….that I of all people understand that…..but now….now Mike is really really hurt and that’s not fair. Especially not having to find out like….”

 

“Mike knows?” Rae interjected.

 

“For crying out loud Rae…..he’s meant to be your boyfriend and ….and the only person you’ll let near you is Finn….how could it be more blatant?”

 

Without thought, Rae attempted to get out of bed under the possibly misguided notion that she could run and plead her case. Agony gripped her rendering her speechless pale and gasping as she got to her feet.

 

“Fuck ….Rae.” Chloe ran across the room to help Izzy return their friend safely to the bed.

 

Chloe stroked her ashen face softly. “What has he done to you Rae…..what the hell happened……nothing….nothing could be that bad….that bad that you’d want to go back…..could it?”

 

A tear trickled down Chloe’s face, already in possession of the answers to her rhetorical questions.

 

Taking her courage in both hands, attempting to persist with her new found honesty, Rae gingerly lifted her shirt, revealing the raw blistered skin and purple and black contusions that networked over her ribs and around her back.

 

Izzy caught Chloe’s eye, mouth agape, ill concealed horror in her eyes.

 

“You should go to the police Rae…..this isn’t right….he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this..he’s such a complete and utter bastard.” Fire blazing in Izzy’s tone.

 

“But….but that’s not all….” Rae bit her lip, her head hanging in mortal shame.

 

“He….he….he still doesn’t….he doesn’t know the meaning of …of the word no.” A tear fell straight to the floor, landing on one of Finn’s discarded checked shirts.

 

“Oh fuck sweetheart….” Chloe put her arm around her friend’s trembling shoulders. “Oh Rae….oh Jesus….oh no…and here’s me rabbiting on about….fucking hell Rae. Why?….why?”

 

Chloe wept as she pulled Rae closer atrocious memories of her own resurfacing. Cold fear coursed through her at her friend’s mumbled response:

 

“I…I don’t know…..I just…I don't’ really know….I don’t know…”

 

The three friends remained in unified silence and solidarity for an indeterminable period of time, simultaneously providing Rae solace and mental and emotional space. Izzy’s worrying had built up and she was on the verge of verbalising her concerns when Rae sat up expectedly.

 

“Who in god’s name thought it was appropriate to play this utter shite!” She exclaimed in disgust at the the radio. “I mean Take fucking That!”

 

Giggles erupted all round at this small, yet significant indication, that something of the old Rae remained and refused to be extinguished by even the vilest assignations.

 

“I am so..so…sorry girls….I really truly am….I’ve screwed everything up …..and Chlo….I know…I know it was unforgivable…”

 

“Rae” Chloe began calmly. “I’ve known you long enough….I know we’ll get through this but please…please don’t lie to me again……I could have helped you if…if you had spoken to me….I wish I’d known….and as for Mike…..he’s hurt, really hurt……but…well he should get over it……..you know…..you know Finn blames himself…he’s pretty cut up too…..as we all are….we just want to help you Rae….we all love you..”

 

Appreciable quiet followed, the friends concerned and uncertain as to Rae’s next move.

 

“Chlo….I need help…I need serious help…I think I….I really Kester…..I need to be honest with Kester.”

 

Chloe smiled reassuringly. “Ok…that’s….that’s a start…..it’s good. I can make the call if you want me to…”

 

“Thanks Chlo…..you are…you know you’re the best…you’ve always been there for me….you’ve never given up on me…..what would I do….”

 

The two broke into a natural hug, before Rae continued.

 

“But I think ….I think I need to make the call…..I need….I want to take charge for once…I need to try and ….and find a way through….”

 

“Ok, but I will be checking to make sure you’ve done it.”

 

Izzy joined in the supportive embrace, accidentally causing Rae to flinch.

 

“Shit Rae…..you really need to see a doctor……..I mean…”

 

Rae nodded solemnly. “But for now….I think…..I think …I’d just really like to have a bath. I’m tired and I ache…..and feel so….so…” She grimaced, not wishing to explore that path quite yet.

 

“Are you sure Rae?” Chloe ensured she had Rae’s eyes to be certain the repercussions were understood.

 

Rae assented mutely with her head.

 

“Right well I’ll go and start running it then.” Izzy slightly too cheery to be authentic.

 

With the help of her friends, Rae limped through to the bathroom, reminiscent of someone far, far older than her years.

 

“Right I’ve put some bubbles in it….and I’m afraid….I’m afraid you’re going to have to use Finn’s spidey towel.” Izzy’s giggle part genuine, part nerves.

 

******************************

Finn was nursing his third cup of tea and fifth cigarette in the back garden.

 

“You ok Finn?”

 

Finn grunted, glancing up at Chop.

 

“Finn……”

 

The dam finally burst as huge wracking sobs overwhelmed his body. Uncharacteristically, Chop comforted his friend by holding him and stroking his back. Finn took an inordinate amount of time to still but the tears just reinvigorated as his words tumbled out.

 

“…’s all my fault….’s all my fault Chopper….he could ‘of killed her……have you seen what he’s done….and I….I ….’s all my fault….Jesus….it’s …why did ….why did she go back…..why….”

 

And his previous actions hit him and he couldn’t help but allow his confession to flood forth.

 

“I think….actually…I think…I know it were all my fault…..I should never have let it go so far….we …..we should’ve just remained friends…..why the fuck….why did I have to ruin it all by kissin’ her…..fuck I am the world’s most twattish bell-end….I…” He cast his arms aloft as if in challenge to an unknown god to smite him for his transgressions.

 

“Finn…mate…you really….you can’t go blaming yourself for all of this….it’s far more complicated….none of us really got it…none of us…”

 

“No Chop…no.” The strength of Finn’s assertion surprised him. “I’m th’numpty who couldn’t control himself around her….when she…when she had a kind wonderful boyfriend who…who happened to be one of me best mates and….I…but no I couldn’t just settle for being friends…could I…”

 

“Well you haven’t exactly covered yourself in glory there mate…I don’t want to know what…”

 

“I’ve got to talk ta Mike….I need to explain…..oh fuck…..shit I must go and check on Rae….”

 

Chop frowned at the lack of Finn’s pet name.

 

“I…..Chop…” Finn’s voice low and tentative. “I’m…..I’m really scared Chop…I’m scared for Rae…I don’t think…..I think she…she might be …you know….a bit ill like. And…I….I don’t know what ta do Chop….she means the world ta me….but I’m such a fuck up….just looked what happened ‘cos I trashed my studio…..I’ll never forgive..”

 

Chop held his hand out in a physical demonstration of his objection to Finn’s self condemnation and belittlement.

 

“Finn….you couldn’t….she left of her own volition…..but ….she came to ya…she clearly wanted you to find her….but …it were a scrap of paper mate……she had her reasons…..but you know…I do think…I do think she needs to talk someone….I don’t know if that fella she were seeing back in Stamford were doing any good or not……”

 

Finn leapt to his feet. “I need to check on….” Only to find himself being forcibly hauled back down by Chop.

 

“The girls are helpin’ her have a bath…sit still for a minute ya knob. This is important… Fuck’s sake …….” Finn wriggled impatiently “You got ants in yer pants son?”

 

“I…I just….”

 

“No Finn.” Chops tone akin to that of a parent scolding an errant child.

 

“Look….you..you sure… you …you’re in the right place to ….to take Rae on?”

 

“The fuck Chop.” Finn shouted, spittle inadvertently flying from his mouth, hitting the ground.

 

“Calm down Nelson…I don’t want to have to …..Finn….if you can’t cope with …if it’s too much fer you….you know after everything with Laura and that…..then it ..it wouldn’t be fair on Rae mate….it really wouldn’t.”

 

Finn sunk to the floor, reality biting hard.

 

“I….I…I adore her ….I…”

 

“It’s going to take a lot of work…..you’ve both got a lot of baggage …you need to think really carefully about a relationship….it could proper fuck everything up…I mean you’ve got a lotta work to do with Mike as it is…..but ….look I reckon he’ll come round in the end….if you come clean and ….”

 

“Come clean?” Finn’s eyes widened

 

“Bollocks mate…….I can’t believe it were just a kiss…..I’ve seen the way yous looked at each other…..but that’s beside the point Finn…..you absolutely can’t go there you motherfucker if you are not able or capable of sticking it out in the long term right? ‘cos that’d destroy her….and nobody’s gonna destroy our Raemundo again.”

 

Finn sighed then smiled at Chop. “You know…you’re the best Chopper….”

 

Chop frowned.

 

Finn slowly got to his feet, extending his hand to Chop and pulling him up in a single movement. Embracing him, Finn softly added: “Thanks ….I mean it…..you…you will help me won’t ya….not sure I can do it alone…..need me arse kickin’ sometimes…..”

 

Chop smiled thinly, the emotion of recent events wearing heavily on his shoulders.

“Where’s you going now?”

 

“To do something…..something that I should of….he’s probably going ta punch me lights out..”

 

“You’re sure that’s wise.”

 

Finn nodded. “I’ve got a lot of growing up to do…..better start now.”

 

***************************

Archie was sitting on the desk at S&N’s, cup of tea in hand, taking a well earned break as Mike continued his obsessive cleaning. The past 48 hours had taken its toll on all of Rae’s circle, but Mike, alas poor Mike. Archie hadn’t been amazed that he’d deduced the semantics of the situation so rapidly, or accurately. What had been unexpected was Mike’s overtly cool, collected demeanour. The cleaning, the task driven focus, the gentleness; all constituents of and consistent with Mike’s character. But the distant coldness rendered Archie uncomfortable and questioning.

 

Archie was still mulling things over when the shop bell tinkled. Aware that the door was locked, it could only have been one of two people. He had not been sufficiently lithe or fleet of foot, for by the time he had arrived, Finn and Mike were stood facing each other in the shop front.

 

The stark juxtaposition of Finn’s submissive body language; head bowed, tense muscles, eyes to the floor and Mike’s aggressive stance: full height, glaring and dominant, worried Archie.

 

“I….Mike…..we…we need ta talk.”

 

“Oh….we will Nelson…don’t worry your pretty little head about it….when I’m ready…then we’ll talk.”

 

Finn’s teeth toyed with his lip in shame and nerves.

 

“Ok…I get that ya’re angry with me….and …and ya’ve…”

 

“The fucking gall Nelson….the gall. Angry…..do you really want to know just how angry I am …because I…”

 

Mike squared up to Finn and roared down at him.

 

“It’s one thing inking my …MY girlfriend in some late night spontaneous session …..you know I do get that you were friends…BUT…but this..whatever this is ….it’s whole other game Nelson…”

 

“We…..we weren’t ….we weren’t seeing each other exactly…it were just….”

 

“It was just what Finn….just WHAT?” Mike bellowed.

 

“I care a lot about her and she listened ta me….I’m real sorry but I kissed her Mike….I proper kissed her….and more than once.”

 

“You …you utter…” Mike’s voice icy and venomous as he drew his fist back. He shut his eyes briefly, then his face crumpled in hurt and confusion.

 

For Finn had not moved, he had remained standing; cowering slightly an arm over his head.

 

Mike backed away from Finn and turned around, in a valiant attempt at regaining his composure. He opened his mouth a couple of times in vain, wishing to express his consternation at what he had seen. Strong self-disgust at what he had been about to do imbued him.

 

“Finn.” Mike’s voice was gruff and blunt.

 

“I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have….you should never use your fists….fucking hell…….Did ….did Laura….did she….I mean I know she did when you split up with her but….”

 

Palpable silence followed. Archie’s face fell for he had cogitated over this very conundrum on more than occasion but had never been able to conclude.

 

“Finn…” Mike’s tone commanding as he finally turned round to be faced with Finn’s back.

 

He couldn’t fail but notice the way Finn’s shoulders shook a couple of times as he desperately tried to hide his emotions.

 

“Nelson…turn the fuck around.”

 

As Finn moved he stammered: “It….it…it…w…w..were only o…o…once or t t t twice…you know when she was really shit faced or……it were mostly…mostly the words and the taunting and that….you know nothin’ major…nothin’ like……”

 

Archie winced for the fragile candour was more than he had expected.

 

“None of that is acceptable Finn….none of it……absolutely none of it. Not even the words.”

 

“They were only words…she just said…I just weren’t good enough…I mean I …I…..I know I’m no good…..all the women….the w…women in me life…just leave me’ an….and I know it’s ‘cos…”

 

“Stop…stop it…Do you honestly believe all of that is your fault…..I need you to think about this properly…”

 

“I….I…..I..’spose I …it..maybe….it just feels that way…..I…fuck, I think I need to talk ta someone about all this shit……because if I don’t….I don’t think I’m going ta be any good with ….with…’cos I need ta get my head sorted too….and it’s not fair…. I….Jesus fucking Christ Mike I’m sorry…I didn’t intend….”

 

Mike rolled his eyes to the ceiling, fruitlessly trying to prevent the tears that filled his eyes from falling.

 

“Finn…..you didn’t….” He broke off.

 

Finn shook his head. “I ….I couldn’t Mike…no way…..but what I did it were bad enough….I should probably ….I should pack me bags an’…”

 

“Rae needs you Finn.” Archie interrupted, having finally found his voice.

 

“That she does Nelson. And I can’t say I am in the slightest ok with any of this but ….I think you both need each other. But I am fucking proud that you have finally understood you need help because without it ….you two…..you could destroy each other…..but…I’m not going to let that happen…..because, for my sins, I care about…both of you.”

 

“Mike …you’re still her boyfriend….”

 

Mike raised his eyebrows. “Do you….do you honestly believe that Finn….I….”

 

“…I think she… you…its just we…..we’re friends and ….” Finn’s bluster was spoken with an insecure and unconvincing tone.

 

“For fuck’s sake Nelson……quit with the bullshit….” Venom in Mike’s tone.

 

“But….but….she’s never…..”

 

“She’s not been in the right place Finn….” Archie interceeded.

  
  


“It really hurts me to say this but…..she’s always been….it’s always been different with you Finn………it’s you…” Mike’s voice cracked and Archie slung an arm around him.

 

“Finn…..I’m your oldest friend and I’m not going to lie to you. We’ve all seen it Finn….maybe she hasn’t recognised it yet but …..there’s something between you two….you really need to get your shit together once and face up to your actions and responsibilities…..you can’t keep hiding….”

 

“But….but…but even if she did……..I don’t think we should ….I mean..I don’t know if we should ….I think we need ta start as friends no pressure and….” Finn paused in horror, perceiving the stupidity of who he was discussing and with whom.

 

Yet again, Mike didn’t fail to shock him. “Actually Nelson….if it had to be anybody…..fuck…..actually you’ve already …just in those words….you’ve changed Finn…matured….I…….you’ve always cared about her…haven’t you?”

 

Finn bit his lip, nodding almost imperceptibly afraid of what was to come.

 

“Finn…..Perhaps….perhaps….fuck…” Mike shook his head, his words getting lost in the sea of emotion.

 

“It’s all my fault Mike….this mess….I should…I’m so so sorry..so sorry……look I’ll erm….I’ll resign….me job.”

 

“Stop you bloody melodramatics Nelson… No fuckin’ way am I going to loose the best blackwork artist I’ve ever met……even if he’s a complete tosser at times….…..it’s going to take some time….but I know you well enough….I know it wasn’t deliberate…..and I get you can’t help who you fall for ……even so…..I’m….I’m going to take a few weeks’ holiday…I need some space……and….Chop’s going to have to hold the fort…you’re going to have work….I know that puts a load on you when …when you’ve got a lot of shit to wade through….but ….I don’t want to loose my business as well…….but like hell you have to look after her.. you can’t let her down….you need to be there for ….for everything…”

 

“..’course I’ll work…if that’s what you want….and…..”

 

Finn was almost swept off his feet by Mike’s hug.

 

“For Christ’s sake boy…you’ve got to sort yourself out this time….no more chances…I mean it….and promise you’ll look after her for me won’t you?”

 

Finn assented with a choked grunt…trying to hold back the tears.

 

“I’ll come and say goodbye to ..to her tomorrow.”

 

Forlornly and subsumed with guilt, Finn wearily left the studio. As he turned to ensure the door had shut properly, he caught sight of his bear of a friend shaking in Archie’s arms. The sound of his crying would haunt him in the weeks and months to come.

 

*************************

Rae lay resting on Finn’s bed, tears pricking her eyes as wave after wave of pain washed through her. She could hear Izzy humming softly and for some reason, imagined her cleaning, feather duster in hand, gingham pinafore rather like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She winced again in her wholly unsuccessful search to find a position that was remotely comfortable.

 

Chop and Chloe had gone to retrieve some of her paltry belongings from her flat; Chop being the designated driver, and Chloe chief of clothes and toiletries. Being alone with her thoughts and memories was almost too painful, so for once, she was grateful of the distraction of the physical agony. However, she could not placate the insidious self denigration and ever decreasing esteem.

 

Wishing not to wallow, she reasoned that music may attempt to dampen or even quell the only too familiar feelings that had coloured her life for so long. Stiffness had yet again long set in, making the seemingly innocuous movement of switching on the stereo torrid. The action of selecting Oasis had rendered her a huddled, whimpering wreck upon the edge of the bed.

 

And so it was that Finn found her. And his previous concerns and tribulations of the day had instantly dissipated.

 

“Hey……hey…” He placed himself softly next to her on the bed, taking a minute to collect himself, before tucking her hair behind her ear and softly stroking her cheek.

 

“Mae…” His voice cracked. “You……you….you in a lot of pain?”

 

She bit her lip, nodding solemnly.

 

“You…you taken any of them pills Sammy left?”

 

She nodded again but this time a plump tear slid its way down her cheek.

 

His thumb soothed it away and then he placed his lips softly against her temple.

 

“Urmm…..you know…..I ….I think …I think ya should….perhaps you would see Sammy’s doctor friend…you know…assumin’ ya still won’t go to hospital..” His tone verged on pleading.

 

“I…I ..I don’t know…”

 

“I…I…t..take it ya still don’t want ta talk to the police then?”

 

She vehemently shook her head.

 

“Ok….ok…then Mae….but please….please will ya see the doctor….if not fer yerself….fer yer friends - Chop n’ Izz, Chlo, Archer…..Jim….Mike ….an’..”

 

“Oh fuck….Mike…..” Her face soon became soaked.

 

The weight of his possible misguided confession of their transgression forced the wind from Finn’s body. For what if he had entirely misjudged the situation? He had assumed, neither asking nor providing opportunity to discuss. Automatically, his hand snuck into his shirt pocket, retrieving the only type of relief he knew.

 

“Jesus Finn….smoking in your bedroom?…..That’s minging!” Rae exclaimed through her tears.

 

“Shit I….er….sorry..I’m such a selfish knob…..”

 

She reached for his hand. “..’s ok…just open the window.”

 

Finn perched on the window ledge smoking, as the inevitable question came.

 

“You…you’ve spoken to Mike?”

 

He grunted.

 

“What….what did he say…..” Her voice timid.

 

“I….I….I am so sorry Mae but he’s one of my greatest mates and ya….ya just can’t go and shit on them…..and I know ya’ll hate me fer it….but I had ta…I had ta tell him I’d kissed ya….it just weren’t right otherwise….”

 

“Oh….oh Jesus…..” She deplored.

 

“Mae……I’m such a fuck up….all of this is me….me fault…”

 

Though it pained her greatly, she turned to face him.

 

“Nah Finn…..it’s not. I…..I’m the fuck up…I’m the one who destroys everything she touches…who ruins everything….I screw up everything good and turn it to ashes….it’s me Finn…me..”

 

He leapt down, casting his butt carelessly out of the window, settling on the bed beside her.

 

“Mae…..please….please don’t talk about yerself like that….yeah you’ve got issues…..but ya know….ya know we’ve all got stuff, right? We all have ta struggle and fight…..”

 

His strong arms encircled her as he dropped a kiss on her hair.

 

“….I…..I want ta help ya….I want…I want ta be here for ya…..that’s if….that’s if…if ya want me ta…” His voice disappearing to a near whisper.

 

Relaxing into his embrace, she nestled her head against his; as her heightened state slowly dissipated into one more peaceful than she had known for some time. Her fingers grasped the soft brushed cotton of his shirt, clinging on.

 

“Finn….could I…..I mean would it be possible….I just don’t want to go back to my flat and I….”

 

“Course you can stay girl…..as long as ya like…….I can always move into the box room…”

 

“No….I mean….if…I….…” Rae composed herself, only too cognisant that now was not the time for holding back, for too much had been concealed for too long.

 

“I’d….I’d feel safer….I mean…I’d prefer it …..if …if …..like last night….”

 

She paused, hoping he’d instantly infer her meaning. But he remained mute and she sensed his heart racing in his chest.

 

“I…I want you to stay…..in here….with me….”

 

There; she’d said it. She bit her lip in anticipation of the polite rejection that inevitably followed laying herself bare.

 

“I…..I’d like that too.” He mumbled.

 

“B…but Mae……we…..we…we both have a lot of talkin’ ta do…..and I don’t jus’ mean to each other….I ….you..you need help girl…..”

 

Glumly she nodded, pursing her lips in anticipation of her words:

 

“Kester….the …the therapist I’ve been seein’……I… I haven’t exactly been honest with him…..I …not on purpose…..just…I thought it were too hard…..anyway…he’s coming tomorrow……”

 

Finn grunted, barely able to say another word.

 

“And……Chlo spoke to my mum…..she’s also coming tomorrow…..”

 

The smallest of smiles passed Finn’s lips. “Bollocks…..’spose we’re going to have ta tidy up then….I mean….right….good…that’s good.”

 

As he loosened his embrace, she leant down to pick up a discarded CD case of the floor.

 

“Arrggghhh.” Gently he helped her back to the bed.

 

“Mae…..there’s another thing….ya’ve got ta see this doctor friend of Sammy’s…..I can’t bear ta…Look, if ya won’t go to the hospital that’s your choice but….I won’t stand by and watch ya like this….that …that burn needs antibiotics and….” Rising bile forced him to pause.

 

Yet, she squeezed his hand. “I know…..I’ll see the doctor……….”

 

“Sammy’ll come too this evenin’, like she promised. She’s real nice and I’m sure her friend will be nice too.”

 

“Finn…….how do’you know Sammy?”

 

“Oh….er….well….yeah….she’s….she’s erm….Mike tattooed her and erm….she’s er..his ex.” Finn grimaced expecting a reaction.

 

Rae snorted. “I see…..Christ….it’s a bit weird but you know…….Finn I need to talk to Mike…..I need to explain to apologise to…..”

 

As impartially and factually as possible, Finn relayed the tale of Mike’s planned trip, hoping not to accentuate any negative feelings. Rae had silently taken it on board.

 

“Shall I…..do ya want me ta go?”

 

“Stay please…..I don’t want to be alone….I…”

 

“Shush, shush girl.” Finn settled behind Rae on his bed, stroking her hair and placing a single kiss on her neck, before reaching his hand over and interlocking their fingers.

 

************************************

Finn’s fingers ached, his back and shoulders carrying more than just the tension of a long session tattooing a sizeable leg piece on his client. He sighed as he started to clear up his studio and clean his equipment: just the way Mike had taught him. He had always thought Mike overly fastidious and meticulous but now he couldn’t immerse himself sufficiently in the routine.

 

The last few days had been harrowing, complicated and draining. The full scale of the mountain ahead daunted him. The burden of responsibility felt overwhelming at times, yet each moment he thought there would be a collapse, one of his friends seemed to step in or say the right soothing words. Thus he’d not fallen into the precipice but merely remained teetering upon its rocky edge.

 

He had been relieved that Rae had consented to see June - Sammy’s doctor friend who had carefully assessed her and prescribed a litany of pills and potions; antibiotics, painkillers, anti-inflammatories and something else that Finn didn’t really understand. Sammy had kindly returned each night to dress the burn and check on Rae’s progress. The two had struck up a somewhat unlikely friendship.

 

And as for Mike? His friend had left for Brazil the previous evening. He had, at least for Rae’s sake, spent quite some time talking with her. He had no concept of the matter or direction of their discussion and had not asked, neither did he intend to. Rae had been noticeably distressed, however, he had felt it inappropriate for him to comfort her and had left her in Izzy and Chloe’s capable hands.

 

Although working was a necessity, it had proved a useful distraction. Something to try and focus his dissolving mind on, something to try and force the pieces of life back together. In Mike’s absence, both he and Chop had fuller schedules, less flexible hours and more responsibility. Chop had been keeping him on the straight and narrow, taking care to ensure that he was in a fit state to work, bringing him lunch and ailing his flagging spirits.

 

Chop had also organised the rota that ensured that Rae was not left at home alone. Given her refusal to report Liam to the police, the group had been wary that he might resurface, especially since he knew which town she resided in and, most probably, had discovered her address by scrutinising the personal documents in her bag. With a great deal of sadness and a sense of defeat, Rae had given notice on her tenancy to the Landlord.

 

He hadn’t dare question how long she intended to stay or what her plans were in consternation of either pushing her away or, somewhat selfishly, that she may choose to go back and live with her mother for a while. Though, based on Linda’s recent visit, that seemed an unlikely prospect. The whole family had come to Chop’s and Linda had initially fussed over her daughter before giving her a public lecture over her foolish decisions that had been most uncomfortable to observe.

 

Despite his best efforts at restoring his room to something like normal, (for it never had former glory), Linda had been more than a little taken aback by their living arrangements. She had persisted (wittingly or unwittingly he wasn’t sure) to refer to him as Mike and made a number of piqued comments about whether they were a couple. He had found this rather trying, a knot forming in his stomach in contemplation of the uncertainty. Yet Linda’s husband Karim, had unquestioningly accepted the status quo, taking him quietly to one side to request that he take utmost care of Rae and begging him to call if there was anything they could do to assist.

 

Linda’s intentions to convince her daughter to go to the Police, may have been in her daughter’s best interests, yet they had only served to cloud the awkward atmosphere further, increasing that feeling of being on edge.

 

His feelings of personal inadequacy had simply heightened, leaving him chewing nervously at his cuticles. His need to protect Rae had become his core, inherent in all that he did. Reminders of past events rendered him concerned and fearful in light of how he had failed when she had needed him most. Flashes of his impotent rage in his studio haunted his waking moments as well as his dreams.

 

However, Kester arriving, had heralded something positive. In hindsight, he had no idea what he had been expecting, but it hadn’t been the cord wearing, slightly scruffy, bald headed, straight talking man who’d darkened their door. Allowing Rae the space she’d needed, he’d hidden in the garage, fully intending to service his little used scooter, though, on reflection, it had been a rather too obvious excuse.

 

All too quickly, he’d become frustrated, unable to loosen a vital bolt, and he’d kicked the scooter, accidently knocking it over. When he finally switched the radio on, he’d wondered why he hadn’t done so sooner. The sweet sound of the The Seahorses lowered his tension, bringing him back to a more reasoned state. He had been sat on the low wall smoking and gazing out at the scrubby field beyond the end of the cul-de-sac, when he’d heard a voice.

 

“Got a light?”

 

Finn had looked up to see the bald headed man, cigarette between his lips. Mutely, he’d handed him his bic.

 

After sighing contentedly with his first exhalation, the man had sat alongside.

 

“Penny for them?”

 

Finn remembered furrowing his brow, unsure as to what, if anything, to say.

 

“I take it you’re Finn then…..she said you …you didn’t like to say much….didn’t say you’d lost your tongue though.”

 

Finn had turned to face Kester, partially in shock.

 

“Is she….I mean….I…I ..I am worried about her……I….I don’t know how ta help….I’m useless me….I…this is all me fault….”

 

“Hey. This isn’t about the blame game. That’s not going to help anyone.”

 

“Yeah…but if….if I’d…”

 

“No point in the “what ifs?” You care about her don’t you?”

 

Finn nodded, biting his lips as he rubbed one ankle with the boot on the other foot.

 

“It’s so hard….this should never of happened….she….I….I just want her ta…ta be happy….I mean proper happy and alright in herself like.”

 

A sardonic smile had crossed Kester’s face before they had savoured the tranquility for a couple of minutes.

 

Inadvertently, he had been rubbing a finger along the fading bruise on his cheek.

 

“Looks like that was a nasty cut….what happened to the other fella?”

 

“I….I…it weren’t….it…” His head had hung low, as he’d swung his legs over the wall, turning his back to light up yet again. He had wrapped himself in silence’s soothing presence, buying the time he had required to gather himself.

 

“It….it…it were me ex….”

 

Kester had exhaled rather loudly. “I see.”

 

“…’s not like she did it often ….she …she had a way with words…..’s not as if she didn’t have a point though….I’m hardly….well I’m not exactly….I mean I….”

 

That’s when the trickle, that had become a stream and then a river, finally transformed into an unstoppable torrent. Strangely embarrassment was not the first emotion that he feels on recollection, presently aware of the courage his words had taken.

 

“Look at me…..I’m some two bit tattooist who left school with an A level in art and bugger all else to show for it…..I’ve fannied around in London pissing me life up the wall an’….. I might earn jus’ enough to keep a roof over me head and me scooter and car on the road…but ….but I’ve never really read a proper book, haven’t got a clue about politics…don’t understand half the stuff other people bang on about….I mean I might be able to remember the setlist tha’ Oasis played at Knebworth in ‘96 but I’m fucked if I can remember what that….that…that Shakespeare bloke wrote….  I can even soddin’ remember his first name…and then….then…finally I meet someone who…who doesn’t seem to care that I’m thick as two short planks….doesn’t mind that I’m….I’m just….just who I am….someone who gets me music….someone who makes me feel like…..like I’m someone….like me…me words actually matter…..who doesn’t laugh when I don’t know the Prime Minister’s name…..someone so kind, caring and funny and cool……someone who trusts me enough to confide in me….who makes me ….make me feel whole..”

 

He recalled inhaling at this point, the unmistakable realisation of his last few words having stolen his breath.

 

“…’an I know she ….she’s got stuff too…I mean we’ve all got stuff right….but…I wanted ta help her…be there for her …help her find her music again….but being captain fuck-up….I couldn’t even get that right could I? I mean what knobhead leaves anyone in that sorta state on their own…..what twat throws up because he can’t cope with ……..and …..fuck fuck fuck….. this is all ma stupid fault…’Im just so…”

 

“Stop Finn. It’s ok. It’s alright.” Kester’s low calm tone had shocked him into silence.

 

Only too vividly, he recollected the fundamentally upsetting churning within that had taken many hours to settle. Nonetheless, he was proud at how he had finally managed to respond with a nascent sense of self-worth.

 

“I….I….probably need to talk ta someone about all this don’t I….I mean I expect…it might help me ta understand….some of me …me feelings like.”

 

Kester had smiled and handed him a card, explaining that, whilst this was strictly outside his remit, he would be happy to see Finn, even should that mean out of hours.

 

Finn reached into his wallet, withdrawing the bent card contemplating it, as if it could somehow provide answers. He perceived that he was really seeking solace, words to comfort to let him know that all would be okay; that the worst of the darkness had passed and that there would be light.

 

He allowed himself, not just to acknowledge his anxieties about Rae, but for his own recovery and future. It remained unclear as to whether their paths would connect or diverge, but he counselled himself against fearing the latter, for it would drain his already limited energy. Determination not to be a hypocrite, and a budding sense of pride, were victorious and he wandered through to the office, rehearsing the words he was about say.

 

****************************************

Archie, Jim, Chloe and Izzy sat on plush lime green velvet sofas at the back of the hotel bar, having met up for an impromptu drink. Jim was just off shift and predictably tired, resting his head against Archie. Chop and Finn were working while Linda was spending “quality” time with her daughter.

 

After the initial pleasantries had been exchanged, Chloe took up exactly where she had planned.

 

“I’m worried about this whole Rae situation. I mean it’s not healthy. She hasn’t left the house in weeks and…”

 

“Can you blame her Chlo…She’s been very self conscious about the bruising on her face…the last thing she wants right now is to draw attention to herself.” Archie responded.

 

“Hmm…..but all she seems to do is read and listen to music…..”

 

“No she also watches films and bakes and ….” Izzy interrupted.

 

“Yeah…but that’s hardly a life…I mean she’s not working…not…”

 

“She’ll always have a job here if she wants.” Jim stated. “But really Chlo? I think it’s probably way too soon. She just needs time.” Jim’s voice calm yet authoritative.

 

“But…..I don’t get it…I mean Finn’s not taken her anywhere….he just seems to work and then…god only knows what the deal is there. I mean….are they or aren’t they together…..”

 

“Fuck’s sake Chlo….not our place to speculate.” Archie warned.

 

“Actually, I think they’re very sweet together. Always listening to music and …”

 

“That’s all very well Izz but she…she appears to have moved on from Mike but why…for what…I know that her and Finn …well we all know they were getting it on…”

 

“None of us know what actually happened. But as far as we all know it was only a kiss. “ Jim stated.

 

“Yeah…but there was that night they stayed at ours on the sofa……..owwww” Archie yelped as Jim kicked him in the shin.

 

“What? They stayed together at yours? What the hell?” Fury evident in Chloe’s voice.

 

“Well…err…not in the spare room….only on the sofa…..I..I’m fairly sure nothing happened.” Archie replied timidly.

 

“Jesus Archer….. Mike is your mate and you…you let …you let that happen…”

 

“Chlo. Rae was in the spare room and Finn on the sofa when we said goodnight..I’m..I’m sure it was all perfectly innocent.”

 

“Jim do you really believe that? Surely there must have been signs….I …I don’t honestly believe that there wasn’t some kind of build up.”

 

Jim bit his lip and sighed, recalling his words to Archie on that particular sleepover.

 

“Ok…ok….But you can’t help who you fall in love with…and you have to admit that..”

 

“It’s fuckin’ not ok to cheat on your boyfriend, especially someone as lovely and kind and ..and as nice as Mike….I know Rae’s my best mate…but sometimes…”

 

Archie stilled her by placing a hand over hers. “She’s ill Chlo. You and I both know that. And…and remember none of us is perfect…none of us knows who…or how we’re going to fall in love. It’s ….well…it’s incredible when it comes…” He squeezed Jim’s hand. “You feel like you’ve been knocked for six like the world’s… a better place……Look Chlo….I know its seems wrong as Mike’s our mate but…”

 

“Cho, Archie has a point…..you know how well suited they are.” Izzy intervened.

 

“But….but….what about Mike? It’s just horrible.”

 

“Mike’ll find his own way… he always has…he always will. And I’m not denying it’s shitty but….”

 

“But what was it for… I don’t see them as a couple…. I mean that well…I’ve not seen any evidence that they’re actually together other than…..”

 

“You mean they share a room but don’t kiss?” Jim raised his eyebrows.

 

“Actually that is a bit odd…but then…well I think after Liam…” Izzy trailed off and the group fell momentarily silent.

 

“Im just worried about her that’s all. I just think moping around isn’t going to help…..I know it’s hard for her…but where’s her future…her dreams….I thought…I’d hoped she may go back to teaching and meet a nice man but….”

 

“Chlo please stop before you say something we all regret. I know Finn’s not perfect but he’s …”

 

“I didn’t mean…I think he’s lovely, he’s kind and he’s clearly crazy about Rae….look I’m sorry I am just worried about Mike as well as Rae. Sorry if I was a bit out of order.”

 

Jim and Archie once again shared that look with a wry shake of the head.

 

****************************

She keeps her eyes firmly cast to her converse, the dense mist of insecurity swirling around her. More than once, she has fought the need to flee. Yet every time her body tenses, her hand is squeezed reassuringly. Maintaining the facade with terse smiles is wearing, convinced that people are whispering about her and her bruised face.

 

The swelling had taken an inordinate amount of time to reduce, leaving her with a ghastly green tinge on the one cheek. With the still unhealed cut on Finn’s face, they make quite the pair. She believes people most likely think they had been in a fight with each other. This proves greatly unsettling as she continually feels the need to defend Finn.

 

Convinced that those sitting around the other tables in the book shop’s cafe are gossiping about them, tears begin to prick her eyes. Biting her lip, she falls silent. Somewhat surprised, she finds Finn is now sitting alongside her and no longer opposite. His shoulder gently nudges against hers as he stares into his tea. However, she remains anxious and unsettled, ascribing it to that fact that they are back in Stamford. Supposedly visiting his father for the weekend. She knows that it’s simply a ruse on his part to help her leave the safehaven of Chop’s house.

 

She ponders why he still cares for her, when he knows exactly what she was and has become. For the only one who has seen the true depth and extent of her darkness is him. Night after night he has held her screaming and sweating form in his strong arms. He would stroke her hair and mumble nonsense in her ear. He would not let her go even after her trembling body had finally stilled.

 

There had been the night he had tried to prevent her arms from their wild flailing. However, in her blind panic, she had unwittingly hit him, knocking him off the bed. Chop had come rushing in to the distressing scene of her bawling uncontrollably on the bed and Finn scraping himself off the floor, the back of his head bleeding. Finn had appeared unperturbed and had resumed his vigil, softly rocking her back and forth in his arms, singing into her hair. She had been calmer by the time Chop had resurfaced with a tray Horlicks.

 

In hindsight, she comprehends it could only have been Chop who switched on the radio as Finn’s embrace had never ceased. Chop had unassumingly seen to Finn’s head as they both innocuously recounted tales of school days, as if that was what they normally did at 2am on a Tuesday morning. She remains only too aware that Finn had not come through emotionally unscathed. He must have thought her asleep as she had watched him later that morning: shaking, grasping the windowsill with both hands, head bowed. She can’t be sure but she thinks he was crying. From the smell, she had known he’d lit a surreptitious cigarette and smoked out of the window. It had been quite sometime until he’d finally returned to bed. For the first time, he’d remained distant, no part of their bodies so much as touching.

 

Finn’s finger on her thigh, finally returns her from her recollections. OK MAE?

 

Something about him, something about his shaky manner makes her want to reassure him and so tentatively she stretches out her hand. OK BUT…

 

She feels the muscles in his thigh contract at her touch, nonetheless, his nonchalant gaze remains in his tea. So she recommences their language. CAN WE GO?

 

It’s as if he hasn’t understood, for he remains temporarily still, then finishes his tea. His hand seeks out hers under the table, helping her up. Carefully he holds her out coat, helping her into it, then removes her caught hair and places it over the hood. She observes him collect the bag of books he had bought for her from the floor and deftly steers her out of the shop.

 

They walk in silence down the street, refusing to drop one another’s hands. His head is slightly downcast, a tremor in his right hand. The thought that had been building within her for so long finally finds voice;

 

“Finn….I need to ….I mean….as we’re in Stamford…I’d like to…to visit Tix’s grave.”

 

He stops, then faces her, deep brown eyes full of compassion seeking something in hers that she can identify.

 

“You…you sure girl.”

 

She nods and smiles.

 

“Right you are…..think you can make the walk….I can always get me car….or we could get a taxi…or…”

 

“It’s fine Finn. Quit your fussing.” Her response unintentionally blunt.

 

Their walk is slow and quiet, yet each is strengthened and consoled by the very presence of the other. As they approach a crossing, he removes his left hand from her right to stretch his fingers. Fleetingly she panics at the loss of contact and stops stark still as if he had been supplying her energy and reason. Two paces ahead, he turns and near runs back. His hand brushes the stray hairs from her face before cupping her cheek.

 

“Mae?……oh Mae….” He kisses her ever so tenderly on the cheek and her eyes widen slightly.

 

He picks up her neglected hand and entwines their fingers solidly, bringing them up to his face, where he places his lips on her fingers; ensuring she has his gaze. A vague smile flickers across her lips and she assents with a small nod to his raised eyebrows. And so they walk on.

 

By the time they pass the wrought iron gates, hung from the grey stone pillars, she’s exhausted. He helps her onto the nearest bench and pulls the sheepskin collar of his cord coat a little higher, a little closer. He retrieves his tobacco and reverts to his almost forgotten ritual of rolling up whilst ignoring her. He draws the smoke deep into his lungs, head thrown back, then gazes upon the exhaled plume. But it bears no answers.

 

She waits for him to finish before making her way towards the less visited headstone of her dear friend. She believes she has this covered, standing with dignity at a respectable distance. Words tacitly fall from her mouth; tales of happier days, her flat, her first tattoo, her friends Izzy and Chloe, her baking, her job. A smile even forms on lips as she describes how Kester hasn’t changed, telling her long lost friend about his perpetual poor taste in office decor.

 

The smile fades, it’s mercurial, evanescent presence no more than a facade. Finally the dam breaks: falling to her knees she confesses the tortuous sins inflicted by her, and upon her. The all consuming grief becomes near unbearable. Unearthly wailing leaves her lips as she tumbles forward all her resources spent. The beseeched for blackness threatens to subsume all around, when she feels gentle hands lifting her torso and pulling it shakingly against their owner.

 

The hands are stroking her back and holding her tight against a firm chest.

 

“You…y you know M Mae.” He stutters in a broken whisper. “W…w..when people d..die…it..it doesn’t mean th…that their l…light has t..ta go out. …Th..their f..flame …c..can burn on i..in here..”

 

He clasps her hand tenderly and burrows it beneath his coat, placing it firmly on his chest, such that she can feel his heart beating. She concentrates on the even, but fast, rhythm, permitting his words space, mulling them over.

 

Slowly, she unfurls her other fist and, tentatively at first, allows her hand to touch the textured fabric. Soon she’s grasping handfuls of his coat as if holding on remains her last hope of avoiding the deadly claws of the ghosts that haunt her. Her chest rising and falling dangerously rapidly, she buries her head against his chest. Only be confounded by the calming scent of tobacco and his sweat.

 

She feels the first few droplets on her cheek and gazes up only to discover that it is not raining. His eyes are screwed shut, his face creased and wet, lips slightly parted. For a lingering moment, she marvels at his vulnerable beauty. Then she feels his stuttered inhalations and despite the melee of emotions, she instinctively knows he’s battling in vain to hold things together.

 

Little by little, the rocking motion begins such that she doesn’t notice it at first. He’s whispering words of mumbled nonsense: scared, loose, mean, care, terrified, adore, well, happy, soul. Such is the sensory overload, that it takes her some moments to deduce that he’s actually trying to express something of extraordinary importance but his words have become lost in her hair and caught in his throat. She wraps her arms around his broad back anchoring herself as close as possible to him. His arms only fold her in that bit tighter, his lips falling onto her cheek such that their bodies can only be defined as one.

 

So they remain huddled on the damp grass of a windswept graveyard on a murky spring day until both of their bodies finally still. Cautiously, she opens her eyes almost as if she expects the world to have been changed by their unified outpouring. It’s the same rows of lichen covered headstones that face her, with the intermittent scattering of colourful flowers, the same dank smell, the same overcast day. For the first time she feels like something is about to crack irrecoverably inside when her eyes latch onto something. A stime of light appears through a chink in the clouds, the smallest patch of the suns dusty rays making it through.

  
  


She pulls on his sleeve and wordlessly points to the perceived miracle. He loosens his hold just sufficiently to turn his head, pressing his cheek against hers as he watches the light and then gasps. For in the distance the faintest of rainbows emerges from the gloom, bestowing hope through the tenebra of hurt and anguish.

 

His cracked lips meet her cheek. He rests his head atop hers, humming softly, swaying her body to the inner music. Her lips meet a slither of skin next to his collar.

 

His body moves away from her, one hand supporting her back. The other runs through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. Compassionate eyes, replete with their own hurt, meet hers so intensely, full of unspoken words. Momentarily his face crumples and comes to rest with their foreheads touching one another. With ardour they feel each others breath on their faces and trembling bodies beneath cold hands.

 

Courage initially visits Finn. Withdrawing his head to reflect upon her, he tilts her chin softly up. Closing his eyes he rests his lips upon hers. Fervour seeps through his pain; his kiss soft and needing. His breath shortens as he senses the pressure reciprocated from her lips and unwittingly, his hand hand tangles in her hair. His lips pull on hers gently before finally the kiss metamorphs into something more devout, more seeking.

 

The chill from the wind forces him to break off, his concern for her at the forefront. Aiding her to her feet, he casts bewildered around the scene wondering why it seems so different. A small laugh escapes his lips as she crashes into his arms, breaking the long quiet between them. As a small smile crosses her lips loosening the tension he has internalised for so long.

 

“I….I….er….” He bites his lip shyly. “Let’s just go sit a minute.”

 

They sit on the cracked wooden bench bearing its multiple plaques of pride, his arm cast loosely around her shoulders.

 

“I thought…..I thought you…you didn’t…” She began.

 

“Not….not that straightforward Mae……I do….it’s never stopped…..jus’….jus’ things are complicated right now.” He kisses her temple. “And you…..your well being and recovery….it’s…its’ so much more important.”

 

“Oh….I…..Oh Finn….you have…you have no idea…..you…”

 

“But I do girl….I do….you….you mean…you mean….” His voice is choked by tears but he persists on. “I…I’ve never been so…so frightened…….and I …wanta…I wanta understand…”

 

She takes his hand in hers, stroking the rough skin. “I….I thought….I thought it was what….all I deserved……that I….I was so soiled…so ruined that I couldn’t….I..”

 

“shush…..not now girl….it’s ok.” His lips meet her tears. “There’s plenty o’ time. When you’re ready. Whatever you need……whatever it takes…..”

 

Their eyes met, a distance sense of premonition of his words hung in the air. He pulled her tight into his arms and once again she found solace and peace.

 

********************************

It was a mere two weeks later when Rae found herself packing a borrowed suitcase, folding up her scant collection of garments, along with a couple of gifts from her friends and mother that more suited to the hot weather. Rifling through a box of CDs she selected her favourites and then wandered over to the chest where Finn kept his collection, selecting a couple of those. She was sure he wouldn’t miss them as he had so much vinyl and rarely seemed to play CDs.

 

Then she paused, for they alone weren’t enough. Knowing that she should ask, but was too shy to do so, she opened a drawer filling her hands with the familiar brushed cotton checked shirts that Finn was so fond of. A tear rolled down her face as she shut the draw empty handed. And then she saw it. Tossed aside on the floor, under a pair of jeans was her favourite, blue and navy flannel. Forlornly, she pulled it into her hands and buried her face in the fabric, breathing in his smell.

 

Consideration was not required this time. She popped it at the bottom of her case along with his drawings for her first tattoo. The trip away had been her idea, having heard her mother chattering to her sister about a holiday to Tunisia to stay with Karim’s family. She had known the limbo couldn’t last forever; she had many decisions to make about her life and instinctively knew  away would allow her the time and space to heal.

 

Kester had most encouraging and supportive, agreeing to bi-weekly calls, which Karim promised wouldn’t cost the earth due to low-cost phone cards. However, it did mean the calls would need to come late at night but Kester hadn’t been in the least bit bothered. Her friends all thought it was a wonderful idea, Chloe even self-volunteering to come out for a visit if she stayed too long.

 

That was the crux. She had bought a one-way ticket. The length of her stay was yet to be determined. She had a month in mind but didn’t want to constrain herself. This was to be a journey, an intended rediscovery of self. How could you put a time limit on that?

 

Finn had been outwardly very supportive. But as the day of departure neared, she had noticed that he had become quieter and more withdrawn; spending longer at work. He had vociferously defended his assertion that he would do whatever it took. She’d caught him more than once sucking his fingers at night, something she now recognised as a sign of stress. She’d spoken at length to Archie to ensure that he was looked after, as she was only too aware, he had his own struggles and healing to come.

 

***************************

Finn followed the Bushtat family into the airport. His feet almost unbearably heavy. The moment was fast upon them. He hung back in silence as Linda, Rae and her sister checked in; Karim was due to join them a week later due to work.

 

The hideous spectre of his impotence to safeguard that which was most scared to him loomed large. Nausea was rising. He smiled in the right places. He held her one more time in his arms as her tears flowed freely as he remained numb with fear.

 

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say, his muteness prevailed. He handed her a small stack of books, tied with a ribbon as a parting gift, hoping that she would read them and find his declaration within. Ever so tenderly he pressed his lips to her soft cheek, holding on that little bit too tightly.

 

From the minute they queued for the departures, Finn turned his back and walked resolutely towards the exit. He never noticed how Rae had stopped to turn and wave one last time. For yet again he believed that she would be taken from him, were he to turn back.

 

Karim found Finn, smoking on a bench outside the airport. It was only when he placed a soothing hand on his shoulder, that Finn allowed the tears to come.

 

“Hey Finn…it okay…okay. You…you did great job looking after Rae. I thank you. Now my family turn. I promise she be taken good care of. I…I know you make big scarifice and put her above your own needs….I know this means…this means you love her……and I promise I return her safe to you.”

 

Karim put an arm around Finn as sobs wracked through his body.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right this is where all the WARNINGS come. We still have the hangovers from parts 12 and 13 which I will leave here:  
> There are descriptions of injuries etc that are a result of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and that sort of vile depravity. Please note there are no descriptions of the acts actually occuring. There is mental illness, PTSD, flashbacks, OCD, depression.   
> This however is a much lighter and fluffier part. very different to anything I’ve written before. The language in letters is light and familiar and I’ve left some intentional errors there. Ah yes - there is a tattoo scene!  
> Forgive me - I am afraid I allowed Finn’s letters to follow his spoken style which is sheer indulgence on my part.

She stretches out slowly, savouring the sensation of the sun’s warm rays on her skin. She estimates that she can probably manage another twenty minutes or so without risk of burning. Her pale skin hadn’t taken long to adopt its current honeyed hue. She finds this far more pleasing than her natural porcelain cream.

In the two weeks it has taken for her hair to lighten, she has started to feel settled and even, dare she admit it, a little relaxed. As much as she could be, with her mother and sister near permanently by her side. However, Karim’s presence had proved a calming influence, permitting her far more time to come and go as she pleased. To spend time on the beach listening to music, or simply being.

She hadn’t managed to read a word for the duration of her first week.  Even the smell of the gifted bundle of books made her chest ache. Though she may have tried, denying her feelings was futile. For she had slept with his shirt either next to, or on her pillow every night. It had dried her tears and brought her the solace she needed when seemingly adrift in the abyss of despair and tenebrous memories at night.

Yet, in the past few days, she had finally come to accept the necessary distance and untied the spotty ribbon that bundled the books with interest. She had instantly known where to start - Pride & Prejudice - a true classic, a book that had featured heavily in her first year at University. Choosing this book, had not merely represented a rose-tinted journey down memory lane, more it symbolised a subconscious test. A trial to see whether the grey matter still functioned as it once had, whether she was still sharp enough.

Spending time with her younger sister, had proved an unexpected bonus. The cliche was true, she muses - children do grow up so quickly. It hadn’t seemed that long since her unexpected arrival and here Jazz was a confident, happy girl, who was as likely to be found running up and down a muddy football pitch as having her nose deep inside a book.

Karim’s family had been nothing but welcoming and helpful. His youngest sister was only a few years older than her and pretty enterprising, having taken over running their father’s shop a couple of years back. The somewhat motley crew assembled for supper each evening included her staff and some of their family members.

Though she understood little of their conversation, using a bit of French learnt at school and their hesitant English, they muddled through splendidly as opposed to acceptably. The nuances of debate were almost always lost in translation, nonetheless, she felt accepted and a part of something. Resultingly, a little of her confidence was beginning to seep back.

She reviews the postcard she’d bought and comprehends it’s completely insufficient for it’s intended purpose, so she decides that it would better serve as a bookmark. She vows to borrow some paper and commence her missive later or tomorrow when time should permit proper consideration of her words. For now, she turns over, almostly blissfully cooling her sweating face and feeling the sun beat down on her back instead. Weezer continues to blare out of her headphones and a smile creeps across her parched lips.

***********  
Dear Finn

It was absolutely wonderful to hear your voice yesterday.

I hope you’re still good. Really good. Just a quick note to say I’m loving it out here. It’s wonderfully hot and sunny all the time. Actually, that’s quite exhausting in itself, you know. Its pretty amazing being able to spend some time with mum and Jazz. Much better than I thought actually. Though mum is starting to do my head in a bit, nagging about suncream and wanting to go off on excursions every 5 flaming minutes.

Been listening to Weezer’s Island In the Sun. You know it sounds even better (if that’s possible) in actual sunshine. I tried to call a couple of days ago but there was no reply - perhaps you were all out clubbing or something.

Miss you

Love Rae x

************************************  
Dear Mae

You know I’m no good with words but I liked talking ta ya. This is bound to be shite especially as I’m hungover as fuck but here goes.

Glad to hear ya’re enjoying the sun in style with Weezer! I hope ya’re starting to feel a bit better about life. Families can be great.

We didn’t go on that many holidays after me mum left when I was a kid. But I do remember going on holiday to Portugal with me dad and nan when I were about 8 or 9. I can’t remember much about where we stayed or what we did. But I do remember it being lots of fun. There was a pool with water slides and I were like a kid in a sweetshop. I kept going on those slides and wouldn’t get out of the pool. Me dad would get me out at the end of the day when it were nearly dark and I’d be all shrivelled up.

I had ta wear a t-shirt cos I’d got a bit burned on my shoulders after the first couple of days and the suncream wouldn’t stay on in the water. Me nan would tell me these great stories about her and me grandpa at night. They got up ta all sorts of crazy adventures!

I hope you’ve been remembering that suncream girl - you’re mum’s right. Ya’ve got such fair skin I reckon ya’d burn quite easy in the strong sun. So please look after yerself.

I were looking for me “What’s the story morning glory” CD the other day ta take ta work. Ya don’t happen to have it, do ya? I’m well fed up with listening to Blur every day and if Chop plays All Saints one more time I’m gonna die or throttle him.

Chop’s been on a bit of a bender with Mike away. He’s thrown a couple of parties back at ours. The first one weren’t too bad. It were quite tame actually other than the fact none of us made it ta bed before 4. But last night’s were crazy. There were so many people in the house. Most them were his brother’s mates I think. Place is utterly trashed. I reckon he nicked me favourite red and blue shirt cos I can’t find it anywhere. I wanted to wear it today ta cheer meself up like. Ok so I’ve got a bit of a hangover….well quite a big hangover actually.

Not as bad as Izz though, she were still puking at 10 o'clock this morning. Chloe finally left this afternoon. Jim had ta give her a lift home. She’s missing you a lot. Everyone says hello. You know parties are not the same without you Mae. Though with me in the charge, the music is probably better!!!

Actually girl, I hope you don’t mind me saying but I miss you. Quite a bit.

Laters, Finn.

***********************************************  
Dear Rae,

I am missing you loads and loads babes.

I hope you are enjoying the sun. Bet you’re getting a great tan - you lucky thing. Think I’m going to have to head to the sun-beds in town so I don’t look too pasty next to you. I was thinking of having some highlights put in my hair too - for a great summery look.

There are some lovely clothes in the shops right now. I’ve seen this cute coral dress that would look perfect against tanned skin. I’ll probably get it after payday. I’m not sure if white or gold sandals would look best though?

Chop threw this ridiculous party the other night. There were so many people at his house. Although she had fun, I don’t think Izzy was that impressed. (Certainly not when she was puking for ages!) I mean the party itself was amazing - we made jugs of random cocktails and played drinking games. But Chop’s brother’s mates are even more out there than Chop. They won most of the drinking games and then played Star Wars battles, leaping all over the sofas.

(I think Chop’s having a mini rebellion because now Mike’s away he’s running the shop and can dictate his own hours and stuff.) Anyway Finn did a good job with the tunes. But he was a bit quiet until Archie and him started on their own drinking games. And then he and Archer got involved in all the silliness and were wrestling on the floor for a bit. I don’t know what Jim made of it. I’m not sure he drinks as much as the rest of us. But it was pretty childish and a bit outrageous really. Perhaps it’s not his sort of thing.

I can’t wait to see you again, need my best mate back. Hope this letter makes it to you before you leave!

Lots of Love Chlo x

**********  
Dear Chlo

Thought you’d like this postcard. Yeah the waters really are that blue and it’s bloody hot and sunny. We have to come here for a girls’ holiday with Izz some time. I know you’d both love it.

Sounds like you’re all having great fun. Try to keep Chop in order - or at least see if Archie can help. I don’t want him pissing Izzy off too much. Chop’s brother’s mates sound like a right handful. Hope it didn’t take too long to clear up!! Not that I know anything about fashion but I think you should go for the gold sandals. Lots of women wear them here and they look great against tanned skin. You’ll never guess what - I’ve been sunbathing in a swimsuit. I found a quiet spot and it’s really peaceful. Been reading loads.

Take care and can’t wait to see you.  
Love Rae xx

***********************  
Dear Finn,

And you said you were no good with words! That was a bloody decent letter. Seriously.

Glad to hear you’ve been having fun. Tell Chop to behave himself…. no more wild parties without me ok? What’s Chop’s brother like? Is he a more serious version of Chop? Scrap that. By the sounds of that party I expect he’s even wilder than Chop! Is that actually possible?

Thank you so much for all the books you gave me. They were a really thoughtful and amazing surprise. I’ve finished Pride and Prejudice. I remember reading this when I was at college. It was even more enjoyable reading it this time round. I’ve now started on The Tempest. Shakespeare’s great, such a genius. You should really read some of his work. Perhaps start with the Sonnets - you could read one every night or something. Breaking it down into small chunks and thinking about what he’s saying will help. Don’t worry if you can’t understand every word, the English language has moved on considerably since then!!!

I have a small confession to make, I’ve got your Oasis CD. I couldn’t go away without Oasis. It’s mandatory listening material that is! I might have borrowed a couple of others too. Hope you don’t mind. Promise to return them when I get back.

Actually Finn, about me coming home. I tried to call you twice but haven’t managed to speak to you yet. The first time I spoke to Izzy and understand you were working. Sorry, I must have been a bit confused about the time difference, or perhaps you’re working longer hours on Saturdays now?

I bet Chop didn’t give you the message when I called two days ago. He said you were staying with your dad and you had some stuff to sort out in Stamford. You thinking about setting up shop there or something? Send your dad my best wishes. I’ll always be grateful that he let me stay when I fell apart. He was just so welcoming and kind and….well, you know, I didn’t grow up with a dad so it meant a lot. I mean that both of you were there for me.

I am starting to feel a bit better. A bit more confident about life again. But, you see, what I wanted to explain on the phone was that I’m not coming back with mum, Karim and Jazz. I just need a bit more time. I’m still talking to Kester twice a week on the phone and he’s happy for that to continue. Karim’s sister says I can stay as long as I need. I’m going to help out in the shop a bit and perhaps do a bit of writing or something.

Take care

Love Rae x

****************************************

Dear Archer

I hope you are well. It was good to talk the other night.

I’m happy with my decision to stay right now. It’s not going to be forever; I just need a little bit more space, a little bit longer away. Kester just reckons I need more time to process things and I suppose it’s easier to do that away from the distractions of my mundane life back at home. When I say “mundane” I mean working, paying bills - that sort of thing.

I do miss you all, more than I could have imagined. But I suppose the ache is all the sweeter for knowing that I will be back with you all in the not too distant future.

I have finished The Tempest now. It’s funny how you find new things in texts you’ve already read, when you come to them again some years later. I should imagine that our life experiences colour how we interpret things and the significance we ascribe to particular actions or speeches. I thought I knew Shakespeare inside out. How wrong was I!!

I’ve moved onto Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar now. Quite a change from the Tempest!! I’m a bit nervous about whether I am ready to re-experience the events of Esther Greenwood’s life, in the context of my own and recent events. But I thought it may prove useful if I were to explore depression from someone else’s perspective. Kester’s not quite so sure that this is a wise move on my part. But it’s not as if I haven’t read it before. I know what to expect. I think the theme of the socially accepted identity as being prescient is what appeals.

I need the head space to come to my own conclusions about what my future holds or could hold. Rather like Esther, I feel that I don’t necessarily want to conform to society’s expected norms. Though dare I say it, I think womens’ roles in society have moved on since then. But probably not far enough as I think patriarchal society is still very much in force - I digress.

I’ve been cogitating my whole need to fit in and for acceptance. And it struck me that in our group of friends, none of us entirely confirm. We all have aspects of our lives that sit outside the mainstream. I wonder if that’s why we all fit so well together?

On that note, I trust that Jim is well. Much as he was a wonderful and thoughtful boss, I do think he’s wasted as a hotel bar manager. He’s unbelievably bright and inspiring. Sorry, I’m sure you’re only too aware of his qualities and it’s most definitely not my place to pass comment on other people’s lives. But time and distance have brought me the gift of insight and consideration of ideals, philosophy etc!

I assume you helped Finn choose the books? I have to say I was certainly not expecting such a broad and eclectic mix. It really surprised me in a very good way. I am not attacking them in any particular order, simply selecting whatever I feel like next! That’s the joy of reading when you’re not studying. I remember writing my dissertation and getting increasingly disheartened when I was compelled to contrast a number of texts that I wouldn’t have chosen to read. Leastways, not under time pressure, late at night with a deadline looming!

Actually, there is something I wanted to ask. I’m just a little worried about Finn. I tried to call him a couple of times to explain that I wasn’t coming home with my mother but I never managed to reach him. I have written to him and explained but I haven’t heard anything back. I’ve tried calling again but it seems he’s never in. You will look after him for me won’t you? Don’t say anything but I miss him terribly.

Yours truly!  
Rae x

**************************  
Dear Rae

What a lovely surprise to received your letter so soon after your call.

I think staying in Tunisia is the right decision. You can’t rush these things Rae. You have a lot to mull over, many choices to consider, stuff to process. And these things are best not rushed. Especially as, for once, you have the luxury of time and distance to decide what you would really like from life. I’m so proud that you’re taking such positive steps towards your future. I am sure the long sunny days can only but help. Ok, so I’m a little jealous, having slogged away thanklessly delivering a paper that was a little too controversial to be well received!!

Jim and I could do with a break. Perhaps you could recommend somewhere to stay? He sends his best regards by the way - says the bar has not been the same without you. Apparently some of the customers still ask for you by name - seems like you made quite an impression!

Jim’s currently reviewing his own career options. I believe he’s started composing again but he’s being quite coy about the whole thing and I’m sure he’ll tell me in his own good time. I think he’s nervous about the kind of reception his work may receive and he’s hyper self-critical so that certainly makes for a tricky combination.

I’ve always thought the The Bell Jar a seminal work. I was relieved to hear that you were already familiar with it before immersing yourself in it again. I found it quite emotionally draining but I was strongly drawn by theme of sitting outside society’s expected norms. As you know, it took significant courage for me to come out back in college days in Stamford. I really believed I was the only gay man in Stamford for a while. Since then, I’ve found my own path, admittedly, not without some extremely well meaning, and in most cases - requested, guidance.

Actually, I didn’t choose the books for you at all. The only hand I had in the matter was permitting Finn access to Jim’s and my collective archive in the flat. You should probably know he spent several hours searching through, not just reading the back covers but actually asking us about the books to come up with his list. To be honest, I’ve never seen him read anything other than non-fiction books and those being primarily concerned with tattoos or the culture and history of tattoos. For someone who considers themselves entirely incapable of reading a novel and claims to knowing nothing about literature, I think he did an incredible job. Don’t let him know I mentioned it, because he would be mortified, but he actually borrowed a couple of books for himself.

As regards his current whereabouts, Finn’s been somewhat mercurial of late. He seems to have taken to working in London as well as back here. To be honest, I am not entirely sure what he’s been working on but whatever it is, it seems to be requiring a lot of his time. But I know he misses you greatly. When were all around Chop’s over the weekend, he wasn’t quite himself and he spent an inordinate amount of time, holed up in his room listening to The Smiths.

Yours as always my dear

Archie X

*********  
Dear Rae-belles

I hope you’re having a super-duper time in Tunisia. Bet it’s lovely, hot and gorgeous. Spring really needs to get a move on here. I’m getting bored of the drizzle.

So straight to the gossip! Mike’s actually home again. He’s all tanned and looking very fetching. Though he had to give his beard a bloody good trim as he hadn’t touched it while he was in Brazil. Honestly, he’s on really good form - I haven’t seen him this relaxed ever! And he was pretty laid back when we first met him.

Chloe’s really pleased as she wasn’t enjoying the ballroom dancing as much without him. Apparently she had to dance with some old man with smelly breath who was a bit over attentive. There’s some competition thing coming up and Chlo’s been trying to persuade Mike to enter. I don’t know if he’s not as keen or a bit shy, but he hasn’t relented yet.

I bet Chloe’s got a tan to rival yours - she found a tanning shop in town and has been having weekly top-ups in her lunch hours. She’s majorly into the whole fashion thing right now and has spent a small fortune on new outfits. But she’s actually happy. I think work’s finally going well for her and she’s very much a part of the group.

Mike and Jim seem to be more in love than ever! If that’s possible. They are just so sweet together. I don’t know why Jim doesn’t move in there - I mean he’s always staying over so I think it would make sense. They spent a couple of days in Brighton recently and came back full of beans, which is lovely.

Chop, well my Chop is great but oh Rae you’re going to laugh at this. Not only has he gone through a phase of telling awful jokes (like his famous one-eared elephant one) to cheer Finn up, he’s also been on a bit of a bender. Like a massive bender. He organised, what were told was meant to be, a small party at ours.

You know how serious he gets about organising his parties and gave us all this speech about not letting any knobheads know because he didn’t want the house trashed and that, and then he invites his brother. Of course Charlie turned up with a whole bloody bunch of mates, who were already pissed up as they’d been watching the footie in a pub. It was carnage. Absolute carnage. Of course Chop was so fucking hangover he was hopeless at helping clear up the next day.

I ended up doing most of the tidy up with Chloe and Finn, even though I was still being sick myself. And Chop stayed in bed. But he bought me flowers every day for a week and keeps leaving me these little sorry notes everywhere! He’s really sweet under that laddish exterior. By the way, Chop sends his love. What he really said was to tell you to “get the fuck back here as soon as you’re ready so I don’t have to put up with Mr Grumpy on my own”.

As you’ve probably guessed Finn’s really missing you. I think that’s why he’s been in London so much - trying to take his mind off things.

Love you loads  
Izzy

P.S. Hope you appreciate the rainbow glitter stickers! Thought they might liven your place up!

**********  
Dear Finn

I really hope you’re ok. I am so sorry that time didn’t allow me to explain in call why I’m staying a bit longer. Knowing the post, my mum probably arrived back before you received my letter. I never wanted you to find out like that.

I’ve tried calling you again but only managed to get Chop this time. He said you were in London again?

I really miss you Finn, an awful lot. I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me. I’ll never forget just how you looked after me. It was extraordinarily kind of you. Listening to music just isn’t the same without you there. Though I can’t say I miss your Boney M LP. I mean Nelson, Boney fucking M? I was dancing away to Primal Scream the other night - would have been more fun if you were here.

I am really enjoying the books. I’ve just finished The Bell Jar. It was quite a read - very thought provoking and a pretty brave gift. You must have gone to a lot of trouble to choose the books for me and I am ever so grateful. They are the most wonderful and perfect thing that you could have bought for me.

Oh, and I have a small confession to make. It was me! I might have borrowed your red and blue shirt. Sorry! I thought it might help me sleep. I’ll send it back if you need it - I think I’m going to stay a couple more weeks at least.

I can’t wait to hear from you. You know you’re really important to me.

Love

Mae x

*****************************  
Hi Mae,

I see ya’ve finally remembered your own name! Ya letter arrived after we talked last week. Hearing ya voice again were wonderful, even if it weren’t for long. And it’s ok girl, I understand that ya need ta stay a bit longer.

Good to hear ya’re still reading the books. The Bell Jar - that’s the one about the lady with depression right? I wasn’t sure about it but I don’t know…I kind of thought…well good that ya read it. What’s next?

Ya cheeky bugger stealing me best shirt ya’d better return it at once! Only joking! You can keep the shirt Mae….I have a confession of me own to make. I’m not sure how you’ll take this. I might have borrowed ya Oasis t-shirt. I know ya asked me where it was when ya left and I said it was in the wash. Actually, I had hidden it away under me decks. Sorry…

I might have tried reading some of that Shakespeare fella’s work - some funny play thing with fairies and a donkey or something like that.

Sorry I’ve missed some of ya calls this week. I were really gutted when Chop mentioned you’d called S&N’s. I did try and call ya yesterday on the number you left Chop but some woman answered and I don’t think she understood what I were saying. I’d had a fair bit ta drink, so it were probably my fault - you know me accent gets very Northern when I’m plastered. I would have preferred ta tell ya this over the phone as it feels bad writing it in a letter.

As ya know I have been spending a lot of time in London recently. I’ve been having a bit of counselling too. I suppose I needed it after everything that happened in me life. The whole thing with Laura - well I’m still trying ta get me head round it properly. But talking about it has made me realise that I haven’t got much confidence.

Anyways the counsellor bloke suggested that I needed ta look to me future, perhaps make some changes, find something else in me life. Which is where London comes in. I went down ta spend some time with a couple of mates - we went ta a couple of good gigs actually. (Course they would have been far better if ya had been there.)

Then I did some guest sessions at a studio down there. It were going really well and I seemed ta be getting a lot of work.

I don’t know if you remember -  I told ya about my art teacher Miss Jones, well me dad tracked her down some weeks back and I went ta see her. We’ve been talking about the possibility of me going ta Art School like I always wanted. It’s a bit tricky as I’m so long out of college and that so I’m having ta prepare a new portfolio.

I’ve got a special project in mind - it’s something completely different and I’ve just started working on it. I’d like ta share it with ya when ya get back. Anyways, I shan’t be in London all the time, but it’s helpful for me ta go down there as Miss Jones has a relative at the art school who’s let me use their facilities and library and stuff.

I do hope ya’re sleeping ok, Mae. I still worry about you lots, you know.

Laters Finn

P.S. I don’t know how ya dare complain about Boney M when ya’re the One and Only who owns a fucking Chesney Hawkes album.

************  
Dear Izz

Thank you so much for your letter and the stickers - they certainly put a bit of sparkle back in my life. Just a quick note really as I’m meant to be helping out at Karim’s sister’s shop - not writing letters! Ha ha!

I’m really enjoying it out here still. It can get a bit hot at times, but I’m getting used to it. You’ll never guess but I went swimming in the sea yesterday. In public …in that ridiculous black swimsuit my mum gave me. I think I’ve lost a bit of weight actually as it wasn’t as obscene as I remembered it.

Glad to hear Mike is back and in good form. Bet Chloe’s loving the dancing. I do agree Jim and Archie make a wonderful couple - I think it will happen but all in it’s own good time.

You’ve got to keep Chop on the straight and narrow. God does he love a party! What’s his brother like - does he look like an older version of Chop or does he look completely different. The idea of two Chops in one room makes my brain spin. Sounds like the party was utterly wild - probably too wild. But good that Chop recognised he should have helped with the clearing up.

Must dash now but love you and Chop.

Rae xxxx

*********************  
Hello Raemundo

Izz wanted me to send you the enclosed My Little Pony sunglasses which she forgot to post to you with her letter. Fuck knows why you need them but who am I to question what my lovely girlfriend asks.

Anyways thought it would be rude not to include a note. So how are you? Hope it’s lovely and sunny and you’re not going on too many piss-ups with us!

You are never going to believe this but Mr Grumpy pants has been sharing his bed again. Think he’s probably lonely without you! Needed a bit of company like.

He’s only gone and got a cat of all things! Gone soft in his old age he has - damn thing sleeps on his bed. And when he’s in London, Izz and I have to look after it. Well Izz cleans out the litter tray and I sometimes feed it. Actually, it’s probably a good thing as he’s been fucking miserable since you left. Shit, I probably shouldn’t have said that. But nevermind. You probably guessed anyway.

Have fun and hopefully see you soon - at one of my parties of course!  
Chop

********************  
Dear Chopper

Nice to get the note. Thanks for posting the sunglasses. Just between you and me I’m not sure I can carry them off but thank Izzy for me. They’re pretty unique. Izzy is such a doll - I miss her loads.

You had me worried for a minute about Finn’s new sleeping partner! Well, I never. I never thought Finn would be one for cats! It’s probably a good thing actually, because I reckon I’m going to stay a bit longer. It’s lovely out here and I’m having fun.

Don’t have too many parties without me.

Yours Raemundo x

******************  
Dear Chlo

God I miss you so much. Sorry I only sent a postcard last time. I honestly didn’t think I would be staying this long - but there you are. Actually, I think I’m going to stay a few more weeks. The whole sun and sea thing is doing me the world of good.

Izzy tells me you’re becoming a local fashion icon. Hope you bought that dress and found some pretty sandals. I would have thought you can probably get nail polish and lippy to match too. Well you’re the Queen of those things - I wouldn’t expect anything else.

I wanted to say that you’re the best. You really are. I know I don’t say it enough but you’re the best friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve always been there for me. And I’m sorry because I know my behaviour of late hasn’t been the best. I’m still really embarrassed that I lied you to when I said there wasn’t anyone else.

It was really stupid of me. I know now that you wouldn’t have judged me and you would have helped me through it all. But I was in a dark place and I just couldn’t see it. I couldn’t think clearly. I know it’s no excuse but I wanted you to know. Mike’s a lovely guy and I’m really sorry for how I acted. He didn’t deserve that at all. I suppose in the state I was in my feelings for Finn just exploded and I never thought through the consequences of acting on those feelings.

I know that makes me pretty selfish. I’ve been working on that with Kester. He must be fed up of the calls by now but they are really helping. I think the distance assists me to evaluate why I’ve acted in a certain way and get to the root of my feelings. I’m sorry I’ve been such a fuck up.

You know you are amazing and kind. And I love the way you can be pretty outrageous. In fact Chlo, you’re a real inspiration at times.

I wanted you to be the first to know that I’m thinking of going back to teaching. I mean seriously considering it. I thought I would never be strong enough again. But I think given time, I will be. And that’s a long term goal. Something to look forward to.

Please look after all the boys and Izz for me. I know I’ve been gone for quite a bit longer than I thought and I’m going to be a bit longer yet.

Love Rae xx

P.S. Hope the dancing is going well and that Mike is still a brilliant partner.

***********************

Dear Rae

Thank you for your letter.

I appreciate the apologies but honestly? There’s no need to go over old ground. It’s ok. I’m cool with it now. I know you were in a bad place and that’s why things happened like they did. I just wish you’d told me. I’m meant to be your best mate and I wish you’d said something.You know I would have helped.

But to be honest, I should have focussed on you more. I was so hung up on the whole revelation about you and Finn that I sort focused on the wrong thing. And I’m sorry if harped on about that too much. It was pretty selfish of me. I think it was because I was so fed up of being single and so hung up on relationships myself. I think we should talk more - I mean openly and honestly about stuff.

And by the way - You know you’re the best right? You held me together after Ian. You got me back to college and back out and about again. I’ll never forget that Rae. Never. And I understand a little of the hell you’re currently going through. It does get better sweetie, I promise. You just give it as much time as you need and I know you’ll get there. You’re a bloody warrior Rae - remember our college days? Remember how we got the better of Stacey and her stupid gang. That was all because of you. Well and I dare say we make a mean team. Please don’t forget that you are an amazing friend - and you’re kind and bloody funny.

The dancing’s going well thanks. Mike’s fucking brilliant at it. He’s still tanned from Brazil and looking lean as ever. He’s actually relaxed and seems happy. He’s going to be fine Rae. Though, don’t take this the wrong way, it’s probably helped that you’ve been away. Please don’t think we don’t want you back because we all miss you loads but I think it just helps that he hasn’t seen you as much when he first came home, you know. Having said that, he would be perfectly chilled if you were to come home tomorrow.

I am so proud that you’re thinking of going back to teaching. And I’m honoured that I’m the first person you’ve told. Don’t rush things - remember to take your time because I know you can do it. You go get them girl!

Anyway babes must go as I’m having my hair done.

Love

Chlo xxx

P.S. I bought the gold sandals - good choice!

********  
Dear Finn

Bloody hell! Art school!  You must follow your heart Finn. I remember you telling me about this on some car journey on the delightful A1. You are extraordinarily talented - I mean all your drawings have blown me away. Not only that, I reckon you are capable of far, far more than you think. Your understanding of tattoos and their cultural evolution and design is extraordinary.

I am so immensely proud to have some of your art on me. Everytime I look at it, I can’t help but think about you  and your kindness and generosity and caring. Sorry you probably didn’t want to know that. But I wanted to tell you. It’s important to me that you know.

So I take it you’ve been in London again working on your application? Nobody ever answers the phone at Chop’s? You’ve got to tell me more about this special project Finn.

Or have been enjoying your new bedfellow again? A cat Finn? Seriously? What’s it like then?

I’ve not had much time for reading in the last week or two. But I have managed a few pages of Sophie’s World. What a book Finn! I’ve never read it and it’s so intriguing. How the hell did you come up with this?

Anyway must go, got to get to work.

Love

Mae x

********  
Rae

Hope you’re well. Chlo tells me that you’re staying for a few more weeks. I hope it helps. I hope it brings you what you need.

Yeah me art school application’s going ok. I’ve been staying with Miss Jones’ relative quite a bit as I’m supposed ta be doing a paper and I needed to use the library as I want to draw parallels between tattoos and other art forms. Not sure I can do it but I’m giving it a go even though it frightens the life out of me.

Fucking Chop and his big gob. Take it you know about Myrtle then? I found her in a rescue centre, thought I could do with a pet. She’s  a bit of a moggie but she’s a lovely cream colour and she seems ta like sleeping a lot.

Glad you still like the tattoo. Means I’ve done my job properly.

Look after yourself.

Finn.

*******  
Dear Rae

I trust you are well and life in Tunisia is treating you well.

I suppose you may find it a little odd that I’m writing to you but I really wanted to. I’m sorry I had to leave when I did but it was important to me.

As you must be aware, I am great believer in taking a little time and space to reflect on things. I genuinely hope this time away bring you the peace you need. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help. I also hope you find your feet again.

I thought you may want to know that there remains no bad feeling on my part. After we talked, I understand why things happened as they did. And whilst it saddens me that you felt like you couldn’t say anything, I accept it.

I still feel that I have some part to answer for in what ultimately happened. Perhaps if I weren’t on the scene you may never have…look it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you’re safe and well and making progress. I do hope this fellow you’ve been speaking to is helping you.

Ballroom dancing is going well. I had no idea Chloe was this competitive!!

Take care and call if you want us.

Mike

*******

Hey Mike

Thanks for the card. I am pleased to hear that you are doing well.

I am really, really sorry for the shitty way I treated you. I’m still very embarrassed by it. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for not saying something. I know I was ill but that’s still no excuse. I have to say I am feeling much better on the new meds, though getting a prescription out here is a bit of a nightmare.

My counselling sessions are helping so thank you for your concern. I don’t know whether it’s the fact they’re over the phone, but I am finding it easier to be honest, to dig a bit deeper.

Glad to hear the dancing is going well. How could you have failed to miss how competitive Chloe is? She was on every flipping sports team at school. She’s mean netballer, rounders player and god forbid she gets a hockey stick in her hands!

Please look after Finn for me. I know he’s probably not your favourite person but that’s more my fault than his.

Thank you again for everything you did for me. You’re a good man Mike and I can’t apologise enough for my behaviour.

Rae x

*******  
Dear Archie

Haven’t heard from you in a while and I hope you’re well.

I expect you know that I’ve decided to stay out here a bit longer. It’s what I really need right now. I am almost certain I want to go back to teaching. But I still need time to think about things and I have to admit the weather is marvellous and I don’t need to worry about too much. I enjoy working in the shop, walking and reading. Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping too. I had no idea how exhausted I was.

I received a lovely letter from Mike recently. It was a wonderful surprise and I’m genuinely happy to hear that he appears to be in such good spirits. I’m not sure whether I will ever truly forgive myself for my abhorrent treatment of him but Kester’s helping me through the quagmire of my feelings and their impact on my behaviour. It’s been good to hear that he and Chloe are enjoying the dancing again. I should imagine that they make quite the couple on the dancefloor - he’s very dapper and she’s so elegant.

Would you be so kind as to send me a couple more books? I’ve yet to make my way through Finn’s pile but I can’t honestly say that Lawrence’s Seven Pillars of Wisdom is that appealing right now. Though Sophie’s World was an utterly inspired choice. I feel I am learning something on each new page. It’s quite something. Have you read it?

There is something else. I expect this may seem a bit odd. But I’m a bit worried about Finn. I spoke to him the other evening and he seemed a little, how shall I put it? Distant? Finding out from Chloe that I was staying longer was probably a bit of a shock. But the other night? He just seemed to mumble and stutter a bit. He hardly said anything and then said he was late for something.

Please tell me - I need to know if something is happening? I really care about him Arch, and I don’t understand.

Love Rae x

P.S. Send my love to Jim. Tell him he’d better write some recent music and not Backstreet Boys’ style crap because I will be listening when I get back.

*********  
My Dear Rae

I tried to call you the other night. I think I spoke to Karim’s sister - at least that’s what my G.C.S.E. French suggested and I believe you were out.

I am keeping this brief such that I should make today’s post otherwise it shan’t go until Monday and the tone of your letter implied that it was important I get back to you. And who am I to keep a lady waiting?

I’ll post some books midweek - Austen and Bronte - both Charlotte and Emily’s finest of course. I should imagine you will have already read them. Yet, as stated in our previous correspondence, there is always more to be discovered upon re-reading; previously unobserved nuances, alternative possibilities, different reflections based on new life experiences.

Jim promises that he will have completed some work before you come home. We have been talking about moving in together. It’s just a bit more complicated than you would anticipate. His flat is smaller than mine, which would suggest that mine would be the obvious choice, yet his has easier access to the music studios where he rehearses and composes.  It’s all terribly grown-up and serious. I mean, a year ago, I could have hardly imagined that I would not only have a boyfriend, let alone be utterly besotted and contemplating a long term future together. For crying out loud, we’ve even had the talk about children!

Reverting to more pressing matters, it would be wrong of me to deny that Finn has been a little grumpy of late. I expect it’s just a case of tiredness and pressure. He’s been staying in London a lot of late. I think he’s been working hard on his portfolio but it’s a little hard to tell as he’s rather shy of sharing his work with anyone. And I think the paper he needs to write has been a huge burden.

Finn’s always perceived that he’s hopeless at academic matters. As I expect you know, he never did very well at college but I’m fairly sure that’s because he detested the whole environment other than the art department. And, loathe as I am to mention her name, Laura has a lot to answer for. She destroyed any confidence he had built up from work and seemed to take pleasure from his humiliation. There are no words sufficiently strong to describe how I feel about her.

Being honest Rae, I think Finn was a touched miffed that he had to learn from Chloe that you were planning on staying longer. He has been quite withdrawn recently - spending a lot of time in his room with Myrtle according to Chop. But he’s had a lot to process, he’s been through a lot too Rae. I think the therapy sessions he’s having are helping. But call him when you have a chance?

Yours forever in literature

Archibald!

That’s probably a bit OTT - soz!

******  
Finn took a deep breath, his next appointment was one of his most important ever. One that struck fear in his heart, and excitement at being able to execute an extraordinary design, in equal measure. As with every appointment, there was a sense of professional pride in being chosen to decorate a body with life long art. But this particular time, he was honoured and humbled to be undertaking the commission.

Despite the pressing need to work on his portfolio and dissertation, he had spent many hours working and re-working the design. It had required considerable additional research, which timewise, he could ill afford. The design incorporated numerous elements from different styles with subtle and intricate variations from the pieces it was to adjoin. Had that not been demanding enough, the piece needed to be complete and standalone in its nascent form, yet with the possibility to evolve into a grander more extensive work of art.

Drawing until the small hours of many a morning with Myrtle curled on his lap, listening to his vinyl had been strangely pleasurable and calming. On more than one occasion, rather frequently in fact, he had contested the need to call the one girl who filled his thoughts, who brought peace to his troubled mind. In recent days it had become far less of a struggle as confusion had seeped in.

For he had believed that she was to be home by this point. Being informed that she had yet to decide to return by one of her friends, had been a bitter pill to swallow. The distance between them seemed more unnavigable than ever. It was as if a part of him had turned to dust, to ashes.

Completing his meticulous routine he sighed and reeled off his usual spiel about what the tattoo entailed with his usual professional rigour.

“Christ alive….there’s no need….”

“Yes there is. I need ta be certain ya understand this properly before I start, right?” he responded slightly acidly.

“Alright, ok Finny. I get it.”

“Ya absolutely certain on this design and its placement? Ya know as well as I do that there’s no going back.. ya really sure you want me ta do this?”

“Of course. Look, you…you have such talent. The drawings were better than I could ever have imagined. And I trust you implicitly and completely.”

“Good. I’m not sure I deserve that trust though…” His voice hesitant.

“You do. You’ve earnt it. It’s behind us now.”

“Right ya’d better get yourself ready - in position.”

“Fuck’s sake, there’s no need to leave the room Finn.”

“I jus’ thought….”

“For crying out loud, you’ve seen it all before.”

This statement exhorted a laugh and Finn turned round and switched the stereo on.

“Can’t we have something a bit more…..a little less….you know I prefer classical.”

“I’m the one who needs to flippin’ concentrate, so shut up. Ya ready then? I’m going ta clean and shave the area first.”

“Fuck’s sake. I can do that myself thank you.”

“Ya might be able ta do your hip, but trust me, ya can’t shave yer own arse properly and as ya goddamn well know we need it smooth.”

“Alright….alright…. I’m er…really ticklish though.”

Finn chuckled as he pulled his gloves on wondering how long this performance was going to last. Tenderly, he cleaned the area and shaved the skin with great care.

He elicited a near giggle when he applied the transfer, producing a wry grin on his own face.

“Right, we’re ready ta go, where do’you want me ta start, hip or buttock?”

“Hip of course.”

“Good call, get the intense pain out of the way first.”

“It’s not going to be that bad.”

“Like you know, you’ve never had either hip or your arse inked before….who says I’m going ta be gentle?”

“Ha fucking ha Finny…”

Stillness descended as Finn began his work intently and carefully.

Watching Finn at work, was a surprisingly profound experience; the way his lip caught between his teeth in intense concentration, the way he wielded the tattoo gun, the reverend way he wiped the skin in between passes. There was something about observing his own heavily inked arms unintentionally showcased in a white t-shirt, sleeves rolled up a little. The way the muscles in his arms tensed and flexed.

“Ya ok then?”

“Ummm” Emitted from between gritted teeth.

“Ya sure?” Concern clear in his tone.

“You going to get on with it again?”

“Aye….right this is going ta be tough - right over the hip bone. Ya’ll know if ya need ta stop me.”

Over two hours later Finn enforced a break.

“Tea?”

“Can’t you just get on with it?”

“I need a cuppa if I’m going to carry on this detailed.”

Finn returned with two cups of tea.

“You have got to be flipping joking. I can’t drink tea through a straw.”

“Bloody well can. Quit whinging, I’ll hold the cup if ya want.”

Accompanying the tea drinking were the sweet sounds of Ride’s Nowhere album.

“Actually Finny, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Finn’s head dropped, his chest a little tight, his heart beat a little faster. Subconsciously, he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip.

“It’s erm…..well you know that I’ve been going to ballroom dancing with Chlo?”

Finn grunted for this was not the expected path.

“The thing is…..well it’s a bit delicate….actually I mean. Fuck. The thing is. I mean we all thought Rae would be back by now.”

Finn winced involuntarily and felt his friend’s comforting hand on his wrist.

“I know, I know son. But….. if she needs the time….she needs the time.”

“I know. Who am I to deny her anything she needs?” Finn’s voice a cracked whisper.

“You’re coping bloody well. You’ve done so much and I really think…”

“Ya were saying?” Finn gazed out of the window, replete with its sturdy metal bars.

“Right….well…it would have been better to have waited until she was back but I….it was a bit overwhelming and I sort of cocked up. My emotions got the better of me….I might have kissed Chloe.”

A grin broke across Finn’s face. “About bloody time.”

“What? You …..you knew I liked her?”

“Well yeah. I know you don’t make the most obvious couple but you both seem so happy around each other. Wondered how long it was going ta take ya ta realise.”

Mike blushed.

“The whole thing has made me realise what I hypocrite I can be. I mean, you know how I loathe how people make assumptions about me because of my appearance especially my tattoos. It makes me really uncomfortable.….And being honest, I always thought Chlo was really pretty but she seemed just too mainstream……..which is why I was so intrigued by Rae…..I really cared about her you know….”

“I know and I’m still so so sorry Mike, I behaved like a complete bell-end…it were…it were really thoughtless and…”

“Enough…no need to go over old ground. Its okay, really.”

“Ya don’t have ta be nice about it.”

“Well tough shit. Anyway….I think…well I want to ask Chlo out properly…you know start dating but….”

“Mike.” Finn started softly. “I…we..we don’t know how long Rae will be away…..I mean we don’t even know..if…if she’ll come back or…..”

A tear rolled down Finn’s cheek.

“Oh Finn…you err…you’re in love with with her aren’t you?”

Finn remained silent valiantly trying to force his emotions back into the place where he had buried them.

“It’s okay Finn. All this will come to pass. She’ll come back….back to you…you just need to be patient and ….fuck this must be really tough for you…”

“I…I’m not sure she will come back anymore….I mean I had to find out from Chlo that she was pushing back her return….I thought she was coming home..an’…an’…. well look. She did write to me to let me know but not before I’d already found out…it’s like I …like I don’t…”

“Please don’t torture yourself….I…I know she has deep feelings for you Finn. But after everything that happened….”

“That were all….no….no.” He chastised himself, recalling a length session with Kester who had counselled against blaming himself for others’ actions.

“I…you know I err…..I wrote her…a letter…. an ummm special letter but….but I don’t think she feels the same…”

“Do you know if …if she actually received the letter?”

“She took it with her Mike. It were in the front of one the books I gave her…she must have read it by now…”

“Not necessarily Finn… not necessarily…..but….tell me to shut up if I’m speaking out of turn…but you need to do some things for yourself. You can’t be entirely reliant on someone else for your own happiness…..all this stuff you’ve been doing for Art School for example. Its tremendously positive….it will help bring your confidence back…give you something to focus on….that’s really important….”

Finn bit his lip. “..’spose.”

“No suppose about it. You…you have to acknowledge that you’ve been an awful relationship yourself….that’s going to take time to come to terms with in its own right.”

“But what if….what if we’re both too broken…I mean for each other like….”

“I’m not going to deny that it makes things harder, a lot, lot harder. But it’s got to be worth trying? Don’t give up hope….we’re all here for you…for you both…never forget that Finn…..I would give you a hug but given my current position….its’ a little difficult and awkward.”

Finn took a couple of seconds.

“…’spect you’re a bit cold an’ all with ya arse hanging out like that!”

“Damn right…..I am…back to it?”

“Aye…back ta it.”

Mike gazed at his friend preparing to recommence the session with the same meticulous precision he always approached his work.

Momentarily, he shut his eyes as the needle met his skin, attempting to find inner peace and block out the pain. Some minutes later his eyes wandered back to his friend’s own art work. He found himself mesmerised, tracing the patterns with his eyes. A faint smell of sweat pervaded the air and he understood just how harsh this mammoth session was on his friend’s body.

Some hours later, Mike felt Finn’s fingers applying the ointment onto his skin. He opened his eyes, groaning as he stretched himself out, stiff from being on one side and his front for so long.

“Get me the mirror….. I need to see what you’ve inflicted on me.”

Finn raised his eyebrows a little defiantly and angled the mirror for his friend.

“Jesus…… fuck….it’s ….the ‘fuck did you get the shading that good?”

“Dotwork…..you seemed quite comfy so I just…..do you know what time it is?”

Mike frowned.

“We’ve been at it bloody 7 hours now…..” Finn yawned.

“It’s fucking amazing…thank you ….it looks …it’s spectacular. It just works so well with all the other tattoos…you’ve managed to bring a little of the style of all of them somehow…black magic if you ask me…”

“Stop talking bollocks….look, there’s something I wanted ta ask ya…and ya can say no…it’s just I need some examples of fusion of styles for me portfolio…”

“Right so you want to include photos of my arse in your Art school application?” Mike laughed.

“Well it’s a very erm…pert arse…you know would look good…but technically I only need a photo of your right buttock and hip…not ya whole arse.”

“You’ve really sold it to me Nelson.” Mike responsed rolling his eyes. “Go on then.”

After Mike had got dressed, Finn turned to him.

“You know Mike…I think tha’…tha’ ya should go for it with Chlo….I mean you deserve to be happy right? And I think you’d make a bloody good couple…..An’ if there are problems when Rae comes back…I’ll do whatever I can….”

Mike drew Finn into an embrace.

“Finny…I have a lot of respect for you. She’ll come back. But right now you need to treat yourself with the same respect and dignity you treat others with. It’s been awhile since you worked on me last….and I have to say as a client…I’m fucking impressed….seriously fucking impressed…..and I’m not saying your talent is wasted here but …but I really think going to Art college would be good for you…..I think ….well…it’s clear your art has other possibilities and it would be an injustice not to explore them…..And we’ll all support you…I promise.”

Mike tightened his hold as Finn’s body trembled slightly, aware that his friend was trying to still his emotions. He dropped a kiss on his hair before finally letting go.

“Right….after I’ve had a bloody good kip…I’m going to fuck off ta London for the week.”

Mike smiled. “Good on you… staying with Lucy?”

“Aye….her flatmates don’t seem ta mind.”

“She’s a nice girl…..pretty quirky though.”

Finn laughed. “That she is…but tell you what….reckon I could do a roaring trade from her mates…apparently they all want ink.”

Mike shrugged. “Why not…. can you still guest?”

“Probably…though…it would be fun to bring a few up here…could have some pretty wild parties…”

Mike laughed. “You going to tell Chopper or shall I?”

*************  
Dear Finn

I’m getting a more than a little worried now. I keep trying to call you but it seems you’re never in. Have you actually moved to London?

Continuing your studies is really important and I hope the portfolio is coming together nicely. I’d love to hear about this special project - come on you can’t keep me in suspenders!!!

I was looking, no…more gazing at my tattoo the other day. And I couldn’t help but remember you inking it. It was such an incredible experience, so wonderful. And the art has brought me so much joy. I am starting to feel proud of my body now, and I remember what you said about my scars…and yeah, I am wearing the tattoo like a badge of survival and strength.

You really understand things on a level that a lot of other people don’t. I know this is probably not making much sense. Please don’t forget how amazing you are.

I mean that day in the graveyard. You didn’t run and leave me. You stayed and brought me solace. And I will be eternally grateful for your unfailing care when I needed it most. I will never forget that.

Maybe one day you could finish Tix’s tattoo for me. It’s actually healed really well. And I’d like to think that as you started it, you would complete it for me.

I really miss you.

Love Mae x.

***********************  
Rae,

Soz, I’ve been in London a lot recently. Though I haven’t technically moved, I’ve been staying with Lucy - Miss Jones’ niece for the last couple of weeks. I just need to get me head down and complete this bloody dissertation.

Lucy’s already at Art School and she’s introduced me to a couple of her tutors and gets me the books and stuff I need. She’s pretty great actually and rather different, if a little bit scarey! Reckon you’d like her if you met.

Anyways, I’ve included a JJ72 CD for you. Thought ya might need a bit of a change and I thought you’d probably not heard this one before.

Ya know I’d be honoured to finish your tattoo. And ya don’t need to thank me for helping you. Anyone would have done the same thing. But ya should know that your happiness and wellbeing are very important ta me.

Archer tells me you asked for more books. I take it you’ve read the lot then! I don’t know how you do it. I find reading the books for me paper really tough. Myrtle tries to help but mainly she just sits on the bloody books when I’m trying ta read them!

Laters Finn.

*******  
Dear Archer

Thank you so much for the books. What a lovely surprise - Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. Excellent I can’t wait to delight in their insanely sumptuous prose.

I haven’t actually finished all the books Finn bought me. I haven’t changed my mind regarding Seven Pillars of Wisdom, which leaves Julien of Norwich and Dylan Thomas. And right now, neither of those tickle my fancy so the Bronte sisters it is!

I’ve finally decided that I will go back to teaching, all things permitting. Mum has been doing some investigating and I think I should be able to go on a refresher course in the Autumn, looking to find a potential temporary placement in the spring and then see how that goes.

How’s Finn? He said he was spending a lot of time in London in his last letter. Is he staying with a good crowd? I mean are they looking after him?

Yours in literature

Rae xx

*******

Dear Rae

Glad to hear you’re looking forward to the Bronte sisters! You have exquisite taste my dear.  
Having said that, you really ought to have a look through all the books, Finn chose for you; his taste is nowhere near as bad as he would have you believe. Besides I think there is something rather touching about the fact that he chose each and every one especially for you.

To be honest Rae, Finn’s a little grumpy right now. Actually grumpy is somewhat of a understatement. It’s true he’s been working on his portfolio and tattooing in London rather a lot. But he does come back at weekends, not solely because he misses Myrtle. Don’t worry, the “London crowd” are a solid lot. They invaded Chop’s a couple of weeks back and we’ve been down there too and vetted them!

He’s certainly being fed and watered - I think you have Lucy to thank for that. But, in all honesty, I think he’s finding his therapy sessions rather torrid. And I’m sure he’s missing you significantly. He does seem to spend his free time up here, holed up in his room listening to The Smiths. I am getting a little concerned but it’s nothing a stern talking to or a weekend away with his dad won’t fix.

You need to do what’s right for you Rae. Don’t worry we’ll manage Finn, though I’m sure he’d appreciate a call.

Must dash - the bell of work is for ever tolling!

Yours

Archie.

*******  
Hey Raemundo

Thought I’d drop a little note in with Izzy’s letter. Just checking on how my number 1 DJ is doing?

Been really, really busy with work. It’s mostly Finnys fault. It seems half the frigging Art College came to stay at ours last weekend and most of them wanted ink! Would you believe it! Mind you he’s been doing some sessions down in London to fund his expenses and I reckon half the girls and a good number of guys have booked him - his London book’s full for 6 months!

But it hasn’t made him any less grumpy. Haven’t seen the bugger crack much of a smile in weeks, other than when he was shit faced.

Anyways must stick this in the post and get back to it!

Be nice to see you again.

CHOP!

****  
Dear Chopper

Thanks for the note and please let Izz know I’m writing her a proper letter soon. Just thought I’d send a quick card while I’m on my break. I’m pleased to hear that both you and Finn are so busy. I hope you’re not too knackered. And will one of you please answer the god damn phone!!!

Raemundo x

********  
Dear Babes

Still missing you loads and loads. I know I’m a bit shit at writing letters but I thought I write a quick one whilst I’m waiting for Mike.

It’s practice night for a competition tonight. Mike’s getting quite into it but he did complain about the suit he’s supposed to be wearing and wants to add some braces underneath and possibly a trilby too! Not sure what the judges will make of that but it doesn’t affect his dancing and, if it makes him more comfortable, I don’t see why not.

You know we’d all love to see you. And you need to stay as long as you feel you need. It has been over 3 months now and I suppose we’re all just a bit sad without our Rae of sunshine!

We all went to party at Chop’s recently. It wasn’t the same without you. I mean Finn’s London mates were ok. You know he’s been staying with his school art teacher’s niece Lucy? She’s alright but she’s no you babes. She’s a bit different . I don’t really know how to describe her style but the short spiky platinum hair is most definitely punk. Although having them round seemed to cheer Finn up, it didn’t last for long.

I mean he’s fine. I think it’s just the pressure of finishing his portfolio. He’s had some secret project on the go for weeks and is stressing out over it. Lucy keeps making him cups of chamomile tea and doing his washing and crap….it’s a bit what’s that word….you know the one that means she’s sucking up? She seems to put up with his grumpiness pretty well though - it’s like water off a duck’s back.

Anyway babes, I think he’d really like to talk to you. Perhaps you could give him a call?

Call me babes?

Luv Chlo xxxxx

********  
Dear Chlo,

Thanks for the letter. Glad to hear the dancing’s going well. I really hope you and Mike do well in the competition.

He should bloody be allowed to wear what he wants. Though I have to say that for someone who hates being treated differently because of his appearance, he never wants to tone it down. In a lot of respects that’s a virtue. I do hope he’s looking after you on that dancefloor! Actually, I can’t believe Mike is anything other than a true gent. Send him my best!

Sounds like Finn has landed on his feet with his London hareem and someone to do his washing! Flipping heck. I promise to give him a call. I expect it’s just the portfolio stressing him out. But I’ll try and give him a bell anyway.

I was thinking of staying a little longer but I’m not really sure why come to think of it. I suppose I’m just nervous about coming back. I feel safe and sheltered here and coming home would mean facing reality. I don’t know.

Take care

Love Rae xx

Actually can you give Finn a hug from me?

********************************  
She had posted her note to Chloe earlier in the day, having become distinctly unsettled since but wasn’t entirely sure as to why.

To compound the churning in her stomach, Karim’s sister had informed her that she’d missed another call from someone called Fenn. That made three in as many days. Part of her was desperate to hear his voice again but part of her had become afraid. Why had he been trying to contact her so urgently? What was it he needed to tell her?

She began to imagine the worst: someone was ill, or worse still died. She felt that unlikely. What if it was something to do with Liam? Again, she dismissed that as improbable news to come via Finn in a telephone call. The only thing she could think of was that he needed to tell her something unpalatable. Her mind swarmed with dozens of possibilities but none plausible.

Nonetheless, nausea rose, her heart started to race and sweat began to bead at her brow. She fled to her room, initially rummaging unsuccessfully for the phonecard, such was her anxiety. After 10 seemingly endless minutes, she located it inside her purse, where it always resided. She almost stumbled in her rush to the telephone and dialled the all too familiar digits. But there was no response.

Desolate and dejected, she returned to her room, needing to surround herself with “his objects.” His shirt had long lost his familiar musk but it was still his. She found all his CDs and brought the books onto her bed.

She idly thumbed through all of them in the vain hope of eliciting some long forgotten smell of him that they might just have absorbed. But there was nothing; for they all smelt of Tunisia. Then she spied the collected poems of Dylan Thomas sandwiched between the Brontes.  
She grasped it forlornly and wondered why she hadn’t even opened it to date. Almost as an act of self-torture she turned the first page, and there, in a familiar scrawl, were words  defacing the fresh paper. She turned again and there were more.

It took her quite some minutes to establish that these were not random collections of words or thoughts. For this was an inscription meant only for her.

Dear Mae

I hope ya find this letter one day. Perhaps when ya’re feeling a bit homesick or ya need a bit of reassurance. I suppose I didn’t want ya ta find it on day one. Because I know how important it is for ya ta have some time away.

Whilst I’m going to miss ya like crazy, I am really proud that ya’ve taken such a positive step in your life. I hope it helps girl. I hope you find the space you need to think things through and work through whatever you need ta.

I hope you like the books I’ve chosen for ya. I know nothing about books but I tried to chose ones that were quite different. So hopefully one or two may be a good read. I don’t really understand what any of them are about. I liked this one quite a lot - there’s a really good poem in here called Fern Hill. I haven’t read a poem since we were forced ta in English at school. They never really made any sense to me.

It’s a bit of an odd poem. It seems ta start really happily - you know he seems like a happy young lad playing on a farm, with apple trees and stuff. And time seems to be on his side - don’t ya remember when ya were little and the school holidays seemed ta go on forever and ya felt like a king of the world?  I reckon that’s what he’s banging on about.

But then ya get the feeling that perhaps time is not that kind. It’s just a hint at first, hidden among all them descriptions of the beautiful scenery and colours. And then ya get to the bit about night and you start ta get a bit worried because ya know something’s going to change. But when the day comes around, it all seems ta be ok. Like nothing has really changed, like it’s all still familiar. And he carries on in his “heedless ways” thinking it’s all going ta last forever.

But time takes ya away from that golden age when you’re young and carefree. It’s him that does it. I reckon seems a bit like time is the pied piper - getting the children to follow him out of “Grace”. I suppose that means that nice place where ya feel safe and happy when you’re little right?

But then he mentions a shadow - the shadow of his hand. It feels like ya know something bad is going ta come - things are going ta change for the worse. That ya should have cared about time when ya didn’t. And in the end it talks about him being green and dying. I think he means that childhood is lost and the innocence and protection that goes with it?

I probably got it all wrong but I liked it. It sounded like it should be a song, yeah? It had quite good rhythm and I sort of wondered what it would sound like set ta music. But it got me thinking Mae.

I’ve loved all the time we’ve spent together, even though some of it wasn’t the happiest. But the times we listened to tunes and chatted, I felt, fuck this probably sounds cheesy but I felt happy and proper relaxed. Like all the other shit in the world didn’t matter during that time. And if it did, it wasn’t half as bad with ya being there. And that time were precious and wonderful and I don’t want ta leave it behind. I want it ta live on.

Ya’re amazing girl. Ya’re funny, and feisty and ya’re beautiful. Ya make me laugh and you comfort me. I always wonder why someone as incredible as ya would want to be with someone like me. (Though I have to say, ya do have some well dodgy albums in yer collection so although ya like ta think ya’ve got better music taste than me, I reckon mine just pips yours at the post!!!)

And I want ta say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there when ya needed me most. I still feel I let ya down. I should of done more.

I know we both felt pretty awful for a while there, that things were tough. I hope Kester’s helping you realise none of it were your fault and ya’re just generally awesome. I know it’s much more complicated than that but ya know what I mean.

Remember that day we were in the graveyard - god knows what anyone passing must have thought of us sat on the wet grass crying - but quite frankly I couldn’t give a fuck. What was amazing was when we saw those rays of sun and that rainbow. And I hope, no I like ta think that one day we’ll sit together (somewhere dry of course) and watch another rainbow emerging on a stormy day.

Because that’s what I like ta think of ya and me. I would like ta think that something beautiful could come of all the shit we’ve been through, that somehow when we’re together rainbows can happen because there’s just that right combination of sun and rain.

Fuck, I probably sound like a complete dick. So please ignore me if this is a pile of crap. I’ve never really written a letter before (except to me nan) so sorry if this is just loads of waffle  
I’m going ta think of ya every time a decent track plays on the radio. But I don’t think I’m going to be able to listen to some of me vinyl for a while. I’ve got a lot of good memories of us dancing and chatting and stuff. And whilst I want ta remember them, it’s going ta hurt for a bit knowing ya’re so far away from me.

I also wanted ta thank ya fer lighting up me life. For helping me see what I could be, that I don’t have ta give up on me dreams. Apart from me dad and nan, I think ya’re the only other person I’ve really said this much ta. I mean Chop, Mike and Archer know some of it but I try ta keep a lid on the negative shit that’s been holding me back. And being with ya, was like it didn’t matter so much, like I could change things.

Ya’re strong Mae. Real strong and like I said - maybe ya just haven’t realised it yet. But ya know we all have our own battles and they’re not easy. But ya’re facing yours head on and I’m just in awe of ya girl.

I hope that ya will be back in me arms one day soon and we can start chasing those rainbows together. But until then, I’ll be thinking of ya every day girl. Ya know even when you’re lying in my arms, ya’re my first thought when I wake up and my last before I go ta sleep.

Shit , I know this is going ta sound well naff, but when you’re in my arms, I just feel whole. Like I’m the person I’m meant ta be. Like I’m safe and at peace. And I don’t think that will ever change.

Even though I am going ta miss you like crazy and probably drive Chop and Archie insane with me grumpiness, ya must stay as long as ya need girl. I don’t want ya coming back until ya’re well and truly properly ready. I look forward ta be able to share my art and me new vinyl finds with you then, along with a fair few cups of tea. And perhaps we can sit and watch the stars on a summer’s evening and ya can tell me a bit more about poetry and stuff.

In the meantime, I bloody well hope ya’ll call me.

Look after yourself Mae. You mean the world ta me.

Finn x

********  
Rae remained rooted to her bed, tears streaming down her cheeks as she finished the letter which spanned several pages from the start of the book, and was completed down the margins of a couple of pages of poetry. For she innately understood, this was no ordinarily letter, it was a declaration. She comprehended just what it must have taken for him to have written this and a deep aching resurrects itself inside her.

But it is much stronger than it has ever been since she came to Tunisia. It’s strength is such that it nearly renders her breathless. It’s not ache derived from pain or borne from bad experience, for it is the yearning to once more be secure in his arms. And finally it hits her that her feelings for him were so much more than clinging onto another damaged soul.

For the first time with almost complete clarity, she comprehends not only what she is feeling but its immensity. That he needs her just as much she needs him. She almost runs to the phone to book her ticket home, knowing every further minute she has to spend apart from him will be agony.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right this is where all the WARNINGS come. We still have the hangovers from parts 12 and 13 which I will leave here:
> 
> There are descriptions of injuries etc that are a result of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and that sort of vile depravity. Please note there are no descriptions of the acts actually occuring. There is mental illness, PTSD, flashbacks, OCD, depression. 
> 
> But this part is different. And it simply would not have been possible without the extra-ordinary kindness and time spent by the ridiculously talented how-ardently
> 
> I just hope I have done her and the story justice here. I know there will still be typos left but I’ve tried and tried to sort them out and I’m not seeing them any more.
> 
> This part is in excess of 23,000 words so may I suggest you get yourself a cup of tea and a custard cream and settle down. Oh and apologies for the cheesy poem….its kind of cool but not to everyone’s taste.

She blinks her eyes a few times, trying to become accustomed to the light. Fighting off her her body’s call to return to slumber, she inhales deeply and forces her eyes to remain open, however ever much they flutter in protest.

It takes her some moments to realise that the stark white walls are not the whitewashed stone of Tunisia. The floor is pale beech laminate and sleek wooden blinds adorn the windows. She is faced with a row of immaculate mirrors that form the front of Chloe’s new built in wardrobes. Her friend had certainly been busy in her absence, finishing the complete renovation of the flat.

Even to Rae’s untrained eye, the job had been executed with real precision, all details considered and dealt with thoughtfully. Nothing was shoved in a drawer, or hidden out of sight. She had surreptitiously checked inside the wardrobes before she had finally made it to bed and discovered that they were fitted out with custom storage: full length rails for dresses, half height rails for blouses, skirts and trousers, shelves for jumpers, boxes replete with shoes. However, one item in particular had caught her eye: a navy trilby, perched on top of one of the shelves.

She yawns, deciding proper English tea is what she craves at this moment and wanders through to the kitchen. The flat is unnervingly quiet and she wonders whether she should wake Chloe when she spies a note on the speckle topped counter.

“Hey babes - Had to go to work. Thought the rest would do you good - so didn’t wake you. Help yourself to whatever you want. Back around 6 love Chlo xxx”

A smile breaks across her face as she reaches for her wrist, to discover that it is gone 10am.

Such little forethought had been given to her return, that she had hastily booked the first available seat home. The flight had landed at 11pm near London, a good two hour drive from friends and family. Due to her mother’s work commitments and Karim’s babysitting duties, she had called on her oldest and closest friend to collect her. Having arrived back exhausted at some ungodly hour, the pair had rapidly collapsed into bed and had not had the opportunity to discuss anything properly or to gossip as Chloe loved to do.

The warmth of that initially joyous reunion, full of hope and excitement at the visions of her new life, was fading fast. Reality was beginning to bite. For as she stood, she had no flat or even permanent room to call a home of her own. She was also extremely skeptical of her mother’s offer to spend, at least a few days, with them; sharing a room with her sister.

Rae perceived this to be a backwards step akin to reverting to a dissonant stage during her teenage years; post college but pre University, when she had lived at home working in the local record shop. Worse still, she recalls a torrid summer spent employed by a pharmacy in Stamford while she was at University. Having tasted freedom, the “captivity” was all the more depressing. The long weeks had been spent entirely at loggerheads with her mother, who seemed to have forgotten that she was 20 and could spend the whole night dancing if she so pleased.

Inevitably, her mind wanders to the one at the root of her spontaneous decision to return. It was with more than a little sadness, that she had learnt from Chloe, on the drive from the airport, that he was currently in London, completing his portfolio.  In response to her disappointment, Chloe had firmly, but fairly, observed that neither had they spoken in a while nor had he any idea that she was coming back. Chloe had followed this with a blunt assertion that Rae had to be aware, that he would have been hurt, when she had told her friend first of her intent to stay quite a bit longer than originally intended. Had that not been grievous enough, she hadn’t the courtesy to call and explain in person. Whilst this may have been understandable or forgivable under the given circumstances, it must have been difficult to accept for the man who had cared for and nurtured her through her distress.

She was categorically horrified to learn that he had discovered the truth from Chloe and Archie, before her letter had even arrived. The knot had tightened in her stomach upon ascertaining that Mike and Archie had carried his near unconscious form home from the pub that night. Mike had then stayed up all night with him, concerned that he might either succumb to alcohol poisoning or choke on his own vomit.

Stirring her tea, the tears resume their well worn tracks down her cheek as she berates herself for not having understood sooner. With the benefit of hindsight, she now realises that the evidence was only too clear in his letters. How could she have been that wrapped up in her own recovery that she thought him almost imbued with near inhuman strength such that he could easily carry them both through whatever life threw at them?

Shakily, she flicks through his letters once more, as if gleaning for a glimmer of something. But of what? Hope? Absolution? Her heart races a little faster when she realises that, based on his last missive, he may have surrendered, stopped fighting - for it was addressed to “Rae.” She assumed this to have represented a deliberate distancing. For even had it been a subconscious slip, it had to be a reflection of his innermost state at the time.

It would be all too easy to capitulate to the misery that threatens to engulf her. To sit and wallow listening to some of their favourite music. To wail and scream about events that befallen her and them both. With some courage, she realises that ceding to grief would amount to taking the easy path. But, deep down, she knows that could in no way bring her closer to what she desires. Neither would it assist in re-instilling her self-worth. From now on, battles are to be faced head-on, important goals strived for and imbalances redressed.

Knowing that all her friends are most likely at work, she decides to visit S&N’s to see if either Chop or Mike are free. All brave new beginnings actually had to start somewhere, even if with a small step. However, putting others’ feelings ahead of her own for the first time in weeks, was incredibly liberating and she left the flat with a spring in her walk.

************  
She was a little perturbed to find the familiar sign, bearing a scruffy hand-painted neon green “S&N’s”, had been replaced by a new black sign complete with beautifully calligraphed letters in electric blue: “Skins & Needles”. The front door was resplendent in matching blue. A little relief flooded in as the familiar bell sounded as she entered the studio.

A tall tanned figure came wandering through, beanie perched on the back of his head and then stopped stock still.

“Holy……erm…wow….Rae.”

A slight sense of the unknown momentarily hung in the air until Mike quickly stepped forward and drew her into a tight embrace. Squeezing back gently, there was none of the anticipated awkwardness or stand-offishness.

“Christ petaI. I certainly wasn’t expecting…”

“I know. I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry showing up without warning - I only decided to come home less than 48 hours ago, so….” She shrugged, incapable of offering more by way of explanation.

“Nothing to be sorry for. It’s good to see you, really good. And you’re looking great - there’s definitely colour back in those cheeks of yours. Do err any of the others..?” He raised his eyebrows. The tip-toeing continued.  

“Only Chlo. She picked me up last night and I..”

She took a deep breath. “I wanted to come round in person and see everyone, though erm, I understand that Finn….”

Mike picked up her hand in his, biting his lip and unwilling to meet her gaze.

“I’m not going to lie petal. He …he’s found it pretty difficult and added with the stress of completing this portfolio….well, I don’t know. He missed you awfully for weeks. Was a complete mardy bastard. Utter nightmare to work with.”

Eyes filled with compassion he looked up, giving her a slightly thin smile, squeezing her hand. “But I know he’d love to see you. Look, I’ve got a client in right now. Must have wondered whether I’ve been kidnapped by aliens or something! I think Chop’s about to finish up and he’d certainly kill for a cup of tea! Especially if he’s not making it!”

“Kettle still in the office?”

“Yup. But make sure you find yourself a clean cup. Chop’s shite at remembering to wash up, which is why he insisted we buy dark coloured mugs. Completely disgustingly slovenly if you ask me!” His laughter warm and rich.

Rae was relieved to the find the office in its usual inimitable chaos; books and scribblings on scraps of paper adorning every available surface. A messy pile of cds lay strewn in mismatched cases alongside the stereo. Nonetheless, she denied her desire to thumb through them and resurrect the memories of the tender tattoo sessions with him.

However, one particular pile of torn paper represented an entirely different matter. She pored over its every detail for the pale blue sheets bore a set of outlined sketches replete with familiar patterns and intricate nuances. Her fingers were shakily tracing over the pencil strokes of the topmost one when dulcet tones rang in her ears.

“Bleedin’ hell! Its Raemundo…What a sight for sore eyes! Come ‘ere baby girl!”

Chop wrapped her in an exuberant hug. It was only when they pulled apart that she realised she was still clasping one of the drawings in her hand.

“Good aren’t they - mind you they’d be even better if the daft bugger bothered to finish them! Right mine’s milk and two sugars.”

“Surely you don’t want sugar Chop - aren’t you sweet enough already!”

Chop burst into laughter. “You got me there you cheeky madam. So when did you get back?”

“Technically, I landed on English soil last night, but here? The wee hours of this morning. I’m fucking cream crackered all ready. And before you ask, it was a very last minute decision to come back so the only people who know I’m here are Chlo and Mike.”

“My Izz will be stoked to see you back. It will cheer her up no end.”

“Oh wonderful. Hang on isn’t she …I mean how are things?”

“Oh Raemundo, Raemundo! Well suppose I should be the one to give you the low down. Chlo’s doing well, she’s all happy and loving her job. And the dancing’s going well…really well if the number of glittery dresses she possesses is anything to go by. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in such good form and Mike’s pretty chipper too: S&N’s is doing well - we’re really busy and he’s err…happy in himself.”

“That’s good to hear. I still feel so bad about….”

Chop put up his hand, palm facing her.

“Don’t dwell on the past Rae. It’ll just suck up all your energy. Time moves on and you had your reasons.” He smiled a little clumsily.

“And what about Izz, how’s she’ doing?”

“Err…yeah…err - Izz is good I think. I mean - She’s well and stuff…”

“Chop?” She raised her eyebrows.

“I might have……I think I’ve pissed her off a bit like. I didn’t mean too. But we’ve had rather a lot of parties. My brother Charlie’s been staying over a bit and…..she and him don’t always see eye to eye. I mean it’s not that she dislikes him. Just….”

“Chop what are you trying to say?”

“She’s gone to stay with Jim an’ Archie for a few days. I might of….I might of got mega pissed watching the footie with Charlie. And it’s not the first time it happened, but he and his mates…We might have…..we might have trashed the house a bit.”

“What do you mean by trashed?” She questioned arching her eyebrows.

“Well -  it were sort of a weekend thing. Izz and Chlo were away having a girly weekend in a spa. And she came back to find the house in a bit of state - you know cans everywhere, take away boxes, ashtrays - all the usual shit you expect with parties. But the curtain pole at the french windows got pulled down when Charlie held onto the curtains when he were trying to stay upright…. and one of his mates had puked in the bath…..and one of the sofas were out in the garden because a lit fag were dropped on it and there’d been a small fire and…”

“Jesus Stop.” Rae held out her hand. “You know Chopper, I can see why she wasn’t too impressed.”

“But I did try and clear it up.” He says, his tone defensive.

“God Chop. I’ve been back all of 5 minutes and I’m having to..” She laughed. “You busy this afternoon?”

He shook his head, bewildered.

“Right. Let’s finish our tea and you can show me.” She stated confidently.

******************************  
They arrived at Chops, chatting happily about his latest commissions. Unlocking the door, he paused and turned to her.

“I have no idea why you want to come and gawp at this It’s not as if…”

“Chop. This is Izz’s home as well as yours - don’t you get that?”

He stood in stunned silence as Rae walked past him into the living room and gasped.

For the whole house reeked distinctly unpleasantly. Initially, she couldn’t identify the exact source and discerned it must result from a combination of things. There was a distinct whiff of stale cigarettes and beer, which was stronger in one corner of the room where she found the carpet to be awash with lager. A still wet sofa was positioned in the middle of the room, its dank mildewy smell pervading the entire downstairs. But there was something else, another odour, one rather more revolting. It’s cause lay behind a cheese plant in a cracked pot, its soil split all over the surrounding carpet.    
“For fuck’s sake Chop, the cat not got a litter tray? She’s shat all over the carpet in this corner.”

“Bloody has! It’s in the hall. See!” He gesticulated.

“This is not a self-cleaning litter tray! When was this last emptied? Surely Finn doesn’t leave it like this!” She exclaimed.

Chop hung his head, scratching behind his ear. “He’s been in London for over a week.”

Though desperate to question further to quell the rising tide of her emotions, she consciously swallowed them back.

“Right. Seems like we’ve got our work cut out then Chopper. You got any rubber gloves?”

“What? You mean?”

“Yes you bell-end. You and me are going to spend the afternoon cleaning. And then you’re going to have to order a new sofa, some new curtains and dare I suggest you get the carpet properly cleaned. And, if I’m honest, I think it’s going to take a little more than that too. The whole house requires a going over top to bottom - you have to make a real point that this is Izzy’s home too. You might even want to get her involved in choosing some new things. And, you know it’s got to be one hell of an apology. Grovelling on the knees if necessary.”

“She’s not talking to me right now.” Chop’s shoulders hunched forward.

“I know. But you’ve got to start somewhere and you sure as hell can’t live like this. And you bloody well have to look after that cat properly.”

“Bollocks! I wouldn’t have invited you back if I thought you were going to go all Captain Fucking Clean-House on me.” He retorted, grinning.

********************************  
Two hours later, and Rae was slumped wearily on a dining chair, Myrtle sleeping in her lap, drinking a cup of tea out of a freshly washed mug. They had managed to remove all the rubbish and broken items, filling several sacks. The old sofa was now sat outside the front, waiting for one of Chop’s mates to rehome it to the local tip. All the dirty crockery and glasses were cleaned and put away.

Although Rae put on a cheery facade, being in this house had affected her to the core. For his absence was like a dark cloud and it threatened to rain. She hadn’t dared to open his bedroom door; not even for the tiniest of peeks. Apart from the fact it would have represented an invasion of his privacy, she could not guarantee that she would be able to retain control of the tidal surge of feelings within. She drew surprising comfort from the calming presence of Myrtle, who had chosen her lap entirely of her own accord. She had to wonder if animals possessed that sixth sense; a divination of the emotional state of those around them. She was grateful when Chop finally complained.

“You ain’t half the slavedriver Raemundo!”

“Damn right Chop. This house is a shit pit and quite honestly, no amount of money or rare vinyl could have convinced me to stay. I’m not at all surprised that Izz is staying at Archie’s. This place was a health hazard.”

“Actually - how are Jim and Archie?” Her voice much quieter.

“Well good - I reckon. Though they’ve been doing their own thing far more recently. You know little trips away, mixing with some of Archer’s work mates. Things haven’t exactly been the same since you left Raemundo. I don’t mean to say it’s your fault - just that things have changed.”

She frowned, fearful of the direction of their discussion.

“You know - we’re all so proud of you for going away and trying to get yer life back on track. That takes real guts - admitting there’s a problem and then trying to do something about it. But don’t think it’s all been a bed of roses for those of us left here. Chlo’ found it really hard to start with. But things got better after she erm……..

Well Izz missed yer loads too. And Archie and Jim. They’ve been less involved as time has worn on. I know it’s been what - three and a half months but quite a lot can happen in that time. And I missed your happy voice and your crazy dancing but not half as much as…”

He paused to draw breath and the bluest of eyes met Rae’s.

“Fuck Rae. What’s going on between you and Finn? I know you’ve not seen each other but, I mean I expected him to be miserable at the start - I had to confiscate his frigging Smiths LP as it was driving me round the bloody bend. And I know he’s working on his stuff to apply for Art school and so we kind of expected him to stay in London a bit but…”

She bit her trembling lip and her eyes dropped to the floor. The uncomfortable silence grated on her such that she felt compelled to say something, anything.

“What are his friends in London like? I mean they do treat him well don’t they? And he’s been getting plenty to eat - not just rubbish and there’s somewhere to store his vinyl and…”

Chop’s gaze flashed up to her eyes recognising a spark amongst the despair.

“Yeah. They’re a good lot. Lucy is a bit of a force to be reckoned with but she keeps the others in check. They are a bit younger than us so they do like to party like any students do.”

“Chop you still like to party like a student.”

“Ok Ok. Point taken!” He held his hands up before continuing.

“Finn gets on well with them - he discusses his artsy ideas and stuff and they help him a bit. Think he’s a bit of a novelty - you know older man with a job and a car and shit I didn’t mean…fuck’s sake Rae! I’m not going to hide the fact he was well hurt when he found out you were staying from Chlo and Archer. You could have called, or something. I think he’s taken it to mean….”

“Oh shit no.” She interceded.

“Just like I’ve gotta do a whole lot of work for Izz- you’re going to have to fight for Finn.”

“You mean there’s someone else?”

“Christ, the way he thought about you…..no.” Exceedingly quietly he added “And there’s not likely to be again, but that doesn’t mean…”

“I know Chop. I’ve been so focussed on myself. I just didn’t realise or understand how much he needed me too.”

“I said this Finn some months ago and I’ll say the same to you now. You and Finn. It were never going to be easy. Never. You’ve both got a lot of baggage and shit to overcome. And that just makes the relationship more complicated. It was never going to be impossible though. But you’ve both got to make sacrifices.”

“It’s my turn now.” She squeezed his hand in thanks. “I get it Chop and thank you. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“Anytime baby girl, anytime.”

*********  
Notwithstanding the tiredness from toiling at Chop’s, Rae was keen to do something for Chloe. To express gratitude. Rekindle the friendship on the foot she intended it to continue. Despite her baking abilities, cooking was different - it had never been her forte. It very much seemed like a black art where a pinch of this and that was required. What the fuck constituted a pinch? Everytime she tried, she set out with good intentions but something always got burned or sauces curdled and inevitably the constituent parts of her dish were ready at wildly varying times.

Having scouted for ingredients, she plucked the most likely contender of recipe books from the shelves. “Delia Smith’s - How to Cook - Book One”.

The first recipe involved poached eggs. This was something she’d eaten on many occasions and had been a staple when she was growing up. But it proved far more complex than the book suggested. The first three poached eggs exploded into a floating egg maelstrom in the boiling water; leaving her increasingly frustrated and disappointed, so that she was cursing by the time Chloe returned from work.

“Rae babes….What the? Oh my god, are you actually cooking?”

“What do you think? Sorry! I was attempting to cook but I even failed at recipe one from book freakin’ one”. She laughed waving the book at her friend.

“Oh Jesus! You mean the poached eggs in water thing? Yeah freakily difficult. Mike’s the only person I know who could…..” She trailed off believing now was neither the time nor the place.

“So erm, how does take-away suit you? “

The nuance in the change of tone and the quick diversion had not evaded Rae. And slowly it dawned on her why the hat in the wardrobe made sense and a wry smile crossed her face.

“Rae. You’re off with the fairies! So what do you want then - Thai or Indian?”

“Errr, either you choose.”

Chloe shortly returned with a Thai curry to find Rae had cracked open a bottle of white and was tentatively sipping from a long-stemmed glass, eying the contents with slight suspicion.

“You don’t have to drink it. I could go out and get some beer.”

“Don’t be so daft! It’s alcohol. This is NOT to be repeated but it’s actually ok.”

Chloe giggled grabbing her glass and chinking it against her friend’s.

“Cheers! And how wonderful to have you back. You’re one amazing lady.”

“I don’t know I would go that far but chin chin.” She responded, necking a fair amount of wine.

They were part way through the meal when Rae had relaxed sufficiently to vocalise the thought that had been buzzing through her head.

“Erm Chlo. I want to ask you something.”

“Fire away babes. You know you can ask me anything.” Chloe grinned.

“You err, you seeing anyone at the moment?” Rae’s tried to keep her expression relaxed but felt discomfort at her clumsy words.

Something flashed across Chloe’s face and she tensed. “I err - sort of…It’s err complicated.”

“Chlo?” Rae raised her eyebrows but upon seeing her friend’s uncomfortable face, she reasoned that this was an unlevel playing field.

“I’m sorry Chlo. Look I don’t want to back you into a corner. I never meant…it’s just I thought…..Maybe I put two and two together and made….”

“Stop Rae! Shit this is so not how I….Right.” She took a deep breath. “Look, I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this but for the last month or so I’ve been dating…..I’ve been dating Mike.”

Hearing her suspicions confirmed out loud was something of a shock and it took Rae a couple of minutes to respond.

“I err, I’m really pleased for you. For you both.” She grinned throwing her arms around her friend.

This time, Chloe’s mouth temporarily hung agape before breaking into a radiant beam.

“Seriously? You sure you’re ok? I mean you’re not just saying that?”

“Chlo. Both of you deserve to be happy and, thinking about it, you know - you both have a lot in common.”

Chloe looked a little surprised.

“I mean both of you love dancing, you’re both tidy and……and….”

“Rae.” Chloe put her hand up. “No reason to overdo it. We’re also quite different and I respect that. He’s really quite alternative and I’m just - well look at me! But I really care about him and everything.The only thing is…..Oh this is going to sound so stupid.”

“Chlo?” Rae’s eyes filled with compassion.

“You probably think I’m being daft but he hasn’t met my parents yet. Can you imagine?”

Rae put a comforting arm around her friend. “I get why that’s in the difficult pile. I think your mum will be fine especially if you tell her in advance. So that she knows what to expect. And you know full well Mike will charm the pants off her. Shit I didn’t mean….”

Chloe giggled.

“But your dad! Fuck Chlo. We’ll cross that bridge when we have to. I’ll be there holding your hand. You know I really mean it right. You two…” She broke into a broad grin, shaking her head. “I’m so glad you’re happy.”

A short silence ensued whilst Chloe gathered her courage.

“But you Rae. You deserve to be happy too.”

Rae shook her head forlornly, sighing wearily. “I think…I think I might have fucked things up with Finn. I should have seen it coming. I should have thought about what he was feeling. That he…”

“Call him Rae. You have to see him and talk to him. For god’s sake don’t be so quick to give up on what you had based on pure speculation.”

“I wasn’t going to. It’s just so hard.”

“I’ll get his number. Arch gave it to me last week.” Chlo replied chucking Rae the phone.

“Now Rae.” Chloe’s voice stern. “Don’t you give up on him.”

***********  
Safely, tucked up again under the white broderie anglaise duvet in Chloe’s spare room, she thought about her day: Seeing some of her friends again was uplifting. And she was genuinely happy to the point of being elated for Chloe and Mike. There was not even the faintest trace for jealousy. Although she was aware that the whole set-up only served to appease her guilt somewhat, primarily she recognised it as immensely positive for the pair of them.

She finally allowed the crushing realisation that she and undeniable revelation that she hadn’t been there when he had needed her prevail. She had known that sorting things out with Finn would be an uphill struggle, but she had never anticipated it to be this painful. Of course, her vision of running into his arms had been both hopelessly romantic and entirely unrealistic. But now she was even uncertain as to whether he felt anything for her, let alone maintained that candle that had burned so brightly when he had looked after her.

She replayed the phone call in her mind yet again. Her hand had been shaking so much that Chloe had had to dial the numbers. Each ring had tightened the knot in her stomach, rendering her nauseous with nerves.

“Hell-o” A chirpy female voice had answered.

“Hell-ooooo”

“Helloooo……Ron if that’s you piss off this is not funny…”

“No…it’s….can I ..I mean could I speak to Finn please.” Her voice had been unusually timid and quiet.

“Yeah course….”

Rae remembered hearing the voice shouting for Finn, then his mumble in the distance followed by:

“Some bird for you Finny….don’t be too long…we’ve got to get that beautiful arse of yours on the dance floor.”

“H-hello?” His ubiquitous grumpy tone had rendered her utterly mute.

“Hello….anyone there?”

“Izz, that you?….Is there something wrong? …Is it Myrtle is it…”

“Finn. It’s me Rae.”

Her heart-rate had begun to increase exponentially with every second of dead silence. They both are speechless and terrified.

“Finn. It’s Rae. I’m err…I’m back in England.”

The silence had continued for quite some time.

“R…Rae….Oh, oh..Jesus.”

“Nah, not Jesus….Just plain old Rae Earl.”

A small chuckle had emanated from the receiver followed by. “Fucking is you then.”

“Duh-yeah.” In respect she wondered if her overly jovial tone had betrayed her fear. “Can we talk Finn? I would really like to talk to you properly in person. I sodding hate telephone calls. They’re utter bollocks when compared with seeing someone.”

“Ermm yeah ‘spose. Are you… are you well then Rae?”

“I’m good. Hear you’ve been really busy with your studies.” In retrospect, she’d no idea why she’d said that but she was so acutely aware of how important this dream was for him.

“Well-yeah. It’s this Art College application thing.” He had sighed.

“Supposed to be in last week. They gave me an extension to next week, on account of me working and being out of school so long but I’m not ready yet….And I still have so much to do.”

“Finn. It’s fine, honestly - really. You get that done and I’ll ….We could perhaps meet up next week or, …or something.”  She had been incapable of excluding a little sadness from her tone.

“I didn’t mean that Rae.” He had stuttered badly. “Just I’m coming home in three days…It’d be good to see you…I ermm.. I missed…”

He had paused as a shout of “Come on Nelson….party time” exploded from a male voice in the background.

“I….Rae, I should…”

“Finn it’s lovely to hear your voice. You must go. But before you do - I wanted to say that I missed you terribly. And I still do. Night Finn.” She had put the phone down gently, not wishing to inflict her tears upon him.

Good old Chloe had scooped her up, offering words of wisdom and consolation as well as copious amounts of Haagen Dazs.

For once in her life, Rae did not rail against the those things that pricked her, instead she came to a grudging acceptance of the facts. (Though it would take some days for acknowledgement of this achievement to come.) A mere few weeks ago, this would have likely commenced a downward spiral of self-despair and loathing. But the peace and perspective that Tunisia had gifted, remained firm. She sighed sadly and rolled over to try and get some sleep.

********************************  
The majority of the following day represented round two of operation “Izzy”. She had chivvied Chop along and they had made it to the supermarket, where she had restocked the house with pantry essentials, cleaning products and fresh towels. The cleaning had been a long and arduous task but the end result had been worth all their labours. The rest had to be down to Chop.

She had been grateful for the invitation to Archie’s for supper. Chlo and Mike were due to be off dancing and she craved the company. Archie, Jim and Izzy had greeted her with a joyous and exuberant group hug. In so many respects it was as if she had never been away: laughing, joking and chatting about her trip.

She was happy to learn that Jim and Archie were both well, if a little work-frazzled. Their domestic arrangements had yet to be solved. Jim had been spending increasingly more time composing some modern music that he believed may have a place as a soundtrack, though it had no current specific purpose. Archie had met Jim’s parents but the reverse match had yet to be engineered.

Izzy had been far happier than expected. Rae had wondered if Izzy’s little stay away had aroused from a fit of pique and was actually intended to serve Chop and important lesson. But then she had comprehended that this was Izzy’s self defence mechanism; that her friend was serious about a future with Chop but nervous about whether he was ready to settle down. She just hoped Chop could actually talk to her properly and be forthcoming in accepting what he had done had been plain thoughtless. Izzy had been a good friend to her over the years and she just hoped what she had done did not amount to interfering.

The conversation had flowed so freely that it had taken the entire group quite some moments to recognise the shrill bell of the telephone repeatedly ringing.

“Oops….Whoever it is they clearly want something. Better dash!” Archie slid across the parquet floor towards the hall in his socks.

“Yeah…hello. How are you?…….Right I see….ok……she’s here actually…..Yeah of course…give me a minute….”

Measuredly and carefully, he approached Rae.

“Err, Rae - phone’s for you, my dear.”

Her brow wrinkled in confusion.

“Ummm….it’s Lucy…..The girl that Finn’s being staying with.”

“But….”

“Just speak to her. Please. She’s really thoughtful.”

Slowly Rae made her way to the hall, scrabbling in vain, for a plausible reason for the call.

“Err, hello…This is Rae.” Who on earth else would it be? She rolled her eyes at herself.

“Err Hi…..I’m Lucy….sorry to …look it’s not ideal to introduce yourself over the phone is it!” She laughed nervously.

“Gosh this is harder than I thought. But I thought you might….I know I’m making assumptions but….Finn’s in a bit of a mess.” She sighed.

“His application needs to be delivered next week but he’s been so wound up about the whole thing and….”

“It’s alright please tell me. I want to listen.”

“Thanks. Just last night - he had a really bad night. And then today - my stupid housemates started drinking with him at lunchtime Fucking immature bastards! And they brought him back an hour ago. He’s..,I thought I was going to have to take him to A&E but he’s on the sofa and seems ok…..but he’s practically unconscious and - the only word I’ve got out of him over the last 24 hours is “Mae”…..”

Rae gasped.

“I’m sorry I should have called sooner. Anyway it took me a while to work out it was you he was talking about. Forgive me, if I’m talking out of turn but I think….I think he needs …It might help if you were to come and see him tomorrow or something. He’s never going to get the application in time and then all the work finished and……”

“I’ll come now.” Rae’s tone was calm and clear.

“You do know we live in North London right?”

“Yeah….I’ll sort something….we can talk more when I get there.”

************

Archie had insisted on being the designated driver for the mercy mission. Their conversation had been stilted and difficult for duration of the two hour drive.; Rae’s guilt and recent revelation playing heavily on her mind. Because Archie couldn’t think of anything helpful to say, he decided it was wisest to stay quiet. The house took quite some finding even with help of a hastily purchased A to Z purchased from a grotty petrol station just off the North Circular.

The door was opened by a skinny, petite blonde wearing ripped jeans and a loose grey splattered vest that hung off her frame. Initially a little taken aback, Rae was disarmed by her warm smile and the way she held her hand out put then pulled Rae into a hug.

“Thank fuck…..thank you for coming….It’s good to meet you.”

Rae smiled. “Yeah….I was going to say I’ve heard a lot…..but that’s the sort of shite people say right? But….It’s not as if…I mean…this is probably more my…”

She stopped as she entered the living room. For there on the sofa, placed in the recovery position, was the man she had so longed to see. It was as if she couldn’t move any further forward, the fear of taking an erroneous step and losing him was too great.

Lucy’s voice broke her stupor.

“Can I get you tea or coffee?”

“Coffee please. I I’m going to have a hope in hell of staying awake.” Archie laughed nervously.

Rae simply sat on the table next to the sofa, utterly mesmerised, as if she weren’t sure whether she was in an alternate reality. Ever so timidly, she stretched out her fingers, finally brushing his rather long fringe from out his eyes. His lips were slightly parted, she could feel his breath on her hand. And he most definitely stunk of booze.

“Oh Finn, Oh Finn.” She whispered and then ever so softly started to stroke his arm.

She had no concept of whether she had been sat there for two minutes or two hours when she finally wandered through to the kitchen to find the others.

“I made you tea.” Lucy handed her a mug.

“Thanks.” She smiled shyly.

She was met with that calm, self-assured smile again. “So erm…..”

“Do you think…” Rae started shakily. “Do you think it would help him if we took him back?….I was thinking of his dad’s for a few days to finish his portfolio? I mean will he be able to….”

“I was hoping that’s why you’d come here.”

Rae nodded mutely.

“But…but” Stammered Archie.

“What the hell did you think we were driving to London for in the middle of the flamin’ night Archer….sure as hell weren’t for a cup of tea, biscuits and a friendly, supportive chat….” Rae’s words burst out in a stinging torrent. Then she grimaced. “Sorry.”

However, Lucy was grinning.  “Right, I’ll pack his portfolio and stuff for you.”

“Thanks.” Rae smiled back as Archie wandered off to inspect Finn..

A couple of errant tears snaked down her cheek as she gazed out of the kitchen window into the dark night. Inhaling deeply, she grasped the kitchen worktop for support, to gather herself and prepare for the journey.

She felt Lucy’s  hand on her shoulder. “You really care about him don’t you? I mean you…”

“I always have done. I know I’ve been away but it’s never stopped. Its just so complicated. So much has happened and I don’t know how to…”

“Love itself doesn’t have to be complicated…..Life may be but not love.”

“But I….” Rae paused and turned to Lucy.

“I don’t pretend to know anything about your life, why you went away or what came to pass between you two but I do know he cares about you - a hell of a lot….and I think you might feel the same….” Lucy paused and opened the back door.

She proffered her cigarette pack to Rae who shook her head. Gazing out into the distance and inhaling deeply, Lucy resumed her words.

“I think you should probably know he, he erm, I had to….sometimes he has these dreams….they must be pretty vivid. They don’t happen that often but he cries out your name. It’s more of a scream really. He told me he thought you….he was too late and you…you were….” She took a long drag of her cigarette.

“Sweet Jesus. This is all my fault.” Rae’s right hand automatically clapped over her mouth.

“I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. I think it’s important you know. He’s been very coy about it but I think the counselling is helping - though I think he’s missed a couple of weeks worth now as he’s been working so much.”

Tears streamed down Rae’s face, which was screwed up with a combination of hurt, shame and compassion.

“Hey, hey. All you need to do is be there for him. I mean if that’s what you want because if you don’t feel …”

“He means so much to me.” She paused to wipe a tear from her cheek, as if trying to wipe away her pain. I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever it takes.”

She turned to face him, recalling him uttering those self same words, on that bleak day in the graveyard. A vision of the rainbow replenishes her strength and she smiles through her tears at Lucy.

“Thank you. Thank you for looking after him, for calling me, for…”

“If you don’t mind me saying so….I’m gonna say it anyway.” Lucy shrugged. “He said you were strong and brave and kind. And fuck it….call me….call me tomorrow won’t you….anything he needs for college. I’ll miss his beautiful face.”

Rae’s expression dropped a little, and Lucy laughed. “No,not all….But I’ll tell you anyway. You’re more my type than him.”

“That’s cool.” Rae responded, somewhat startled by this degree of frankness from a near stranger. She smiled at Lucy and then realised it was high time that they get going. She sought our Archie, who was seated in an armchair, rubbing his eyes:   “I’m utterly fucking shagged. Fuck knows how I going to stay awake long enough …”

“I’ll drive, Archie. You need to get some sleep before work.” She stated clearly.  “But….but” He protested back at her.

“Archie!” Rae‘s tone was stern as she gave him her best teacher’s stare.

The trio struggled to get Finn into the car and strapped in, which was not aided by Archie’s persistent fussing. “What if he’s sick when we’re….I’m really not sure about this idea. Surely it would be better to wait until morning?”

“Quit your whinging Archer and live with it.” Rae put her hands on her hips, sharing a knowing smile with Lucy, who backed Rae up confidently by saying: “I’ll get a bucket.”

********  
The journey had seemed neverending. Archie had fallen asleep, knocking his glasses off before they were even ten minutes from Lucy’s house. By the time they reached the North Circular, he was snoring gently and dribbling slightly onto his t-shirt. This had, at least, raised a smile onto Rae’s face as she opened the window, praying the cold air would refresh and sustain.

She had switched on the CD player, turning her nose up at some aria that had pervaded the air and opted for the radio instead. Periodically, she had pulled over in a layby (and in one instance a gateway)  to check on Finn, constantly concerned that he was still breathing. Around 4am, she had found a 24 hour service station and had bent down, putting a hand in front of his mouth. This time it wasn’t quite enough and she’d swept his sweaty hair from his forehead, pulled his arm from underneath him as she was concerned about the potential loss of circulation. Dawn broke as she was driving. She prayed that its beauty was a portent of things to come. She daydreamed of waking up to the sunrise with him and then quickly tried to shake the thought away. It was too soon, far too soon for those kind of fanciful ideas.

It was gone 5am by the time she had pulled up at Finn’s father’s house. She’d had to wake Archie some ten minutes before, uncertain of exactly how to get there. He’d been pretty difficult to wake and she’d resorted to nudging him very hard in the ribs and then slapping his cheek, a little less than delicately.

Heart racing, mouth dry, she found herself banging on the door, absolutely uncertain as to what she could possibly say, how she could possibly explain. Gary appeared, rubbing his eyes furiously and groaning. Rae’s and Archie’s words had taken quite some time to sink in. However, he had shocked Rae as when he’d walked out to the car, rolled his eyes, tutted a couple of times and thrown his son (with the help of Archie) over his shoulder and carried him up the stairs.

Archie had laughed at Rae’s gawping, explaining that this had happened on quite a few occasions when they had been younger. Finn tended to pass out with excess alcohol rather than vomit or get testy. On more than one night, they’d flung him in the back of a taxi and dragged him to the doorstep for Gary to deal with.  

Archie had then left for his flat, in the hope of a hot shower and a cooked breakfast before work. Not to mention a much needed cuddle from his boyfriend.

Gary took the box of artwork from Rae, putting it safely to one side and hugged her tightly. She had politely declined the offer of Finn’s room, deciding for the guest room instead, where she had managed a paltry two hours sleep. Gary had served a cooked breakfast with a strong pot of tea before departing for work. She had been grateful for his unquestioning and unreserved kindness.

Nervously, Rae sat on Finn’s bed, watching his sleeping form. His father had removed his boots, but otherwise he remained fully dressed and atop the covers. Her eyes traced the familiar routes of his freckles, the stubble on his chin, the wayward path of his tousled hair. Her breath caught slightly in her throat as she allowed her eyes to wander over the never forgotten patterns on his arms.

The temptation to softly touch his face, or hold him was excrutiating. Yet she resisted, deciding to turn the radio on and sit in a chair, fearful that he might wake and be disorientated. He groaned and thrashed around several times but never came fully to. Rae dozed fitfully in the corner, then groggily wandered downstairs to make another cup of tea.

She returned to find him rubbing his eyes, moaning a little.

“Oh Finn. I wanted to be here. I just went for a cup of tea.” She mumbled, so uncertain as to what to say, how to act. She remained standing, steaming cup in hand for a few moments, before finally plucking up the courage to sit on the bed next to his prostrate form.

“It’s alright. You left your shoes over there…..fuck……think I might hurl.”

“Bucket’s here dickhead. Don’t miss.”

Finn had rolled onto his side and repeatedly dry wretched but that had been it. He had groaned, clutching at his head.

“Rae, why am I?…..What?…ahhhh”

“Shush, shush. Try and get some of this water down you, and if you can manage it, there are a couple of pills. You must go to sleep.”

“But.”

“Sleep. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be here when you wake up dickhead…promise.”

Rae spent the rest of the morning toying with a pen and paper at Gary’s kitchen table in between reviving cups of tea. She took Finn some dry toast at lunchtime, but he was  out for the count and she hadn’t the heart to wake him. She couldn’t help but stroke his hair absentmindedly as she noted with relief, that he’d at least drunk the water. She opened a window to cool his body as it sweated the alcohol out.

Gary arrived home at 2pm bearing lunch, full of apologies for his tardiness, and keenly enquiring after an update.

“He’s still sleeping. I would imagine he’s going to need most of the day.” She held her lips held together to prevent a waiver.

“I can’t believe he’s got himself in this state again. He’s not 17. I’m just…..thank goodness you…” Gary trailed off, not wishing to consider the alternatives.

“I can’t …I can’t help but think…I mean if I hadn’t gone away and…”

“Rae love, you had your reasons. And judging by the fire in your eyes it’s done you the world of good. I was…I hope you don’t mind me sayin’ but I was terribly worried about you when you were staying here with Finn.”

Rae reached across the table, placing her hand over his. “Thank you Gary. Thank you for everything. You never question or judge. I can never say how much that means. But right now I think that Finn ….Lucy said he was getting himself wound up about the portfolio submission. And I don’t think my return to these shores has been the most timely.” She grimaced, pushing her hair off her face.

“And I -  Gary….I don’t know what Finn thinks about me. I mean it’s been three months but I want to support him through this portfolio process. If that’s what he wants and ….I’ll do whatever it takes…whatever he needs - for as long as he will tolerate my presence. I never want to…” Her voiced cracked.

“Hey….hey. Come here Rae.” Gary enveloped her in a hug. Maybe it should have been embarrassing or uncomfortable, but she was grateful for his firm hold and slight rocking. He only released her when her tears were subsiding and her breath returning to normal, for he had inherently comprehended her concerns, even though she hadn’t fully articulated them.

After lunch, Rae trod the familiar path upstairs with a glass of water for Finn. He appeared to be sleeping soundly and she smiled, pausing for a couple of minutes to peep out of the skylight. She remembered how she’d love the view of the sky when they had stayed with Gary so many weeks ago. She was on the verge of heading  back downstairs when she heard his voice for the second time since her return; gravelly and low.  

“Rae.” He stammered.

Churning stomach, she turned to face him.

“Ra I ….what….I don’t.. why?” His face contorted in confusion.

“Oh Finn.” She plonked herself unceremoniously on the bed and composed herself before speaking again. “I errm….Lucy called me and I was so worried.”

“But why…..what I am doing here?”

“I dragged Archie down to London and we brought you back. You need to finish that portfolio and… ” She paused not wishing to impose any of her concerns on him.

“Right so it …it were a sense of duty?”

Her resolve cracked and shattered like brittle plastic. She pressed her head into her hands, her body crumbled as the force of pent up emotions overwhelmed every part of her. This was no sweet release, for its raw tempest robbed her of breath and conscious thought as it subsumed every part of her being until none was left untouched.

Two firm hands found her shoulders, yet the storm did not abate. It was only the warmth of a body pressed tight behind hers, a head laid beside hers and lips in her hair that finally stilled her trembling. Without thought or shame she remained, until sufficient fortitude returned. Shakily, she turned round, to be met with Finn kneeling up on his bed, eyes red and puffy, head downcast, hands low, palms facing her as if in surrender.

Her legs felt weak and she dropped back onto the bed, seeking something in his eyes, without understanding what she was hoping to find. Both selflessly and selfishly she accepted his embrace,clinging on to what she thought she had lost, revelling in the warmth, the hand in her hair.

“Hey, hey girl.” He pulled back slightly and swept the hair from her eyes, tucking it softly yet deftly behind an ear.

“Sorry I errr…” She swallowed thickly choking on the words she wanted to say. How much she had missed him, how deep her feelings for him ran, how she believed she had let him down. But most of all, how much she longed to be by his side no matter what life threw at them, just  like he had been there through her darkest hour.

“Nothing to be sorry for. I think…..well I should probably be the one to say sorry. I mean…..fuck I …” He bit his lip hard stilling the rising need within. He wanted to comfort her, to kiss her and give voice to all his feelings. But he was still trying to get his head around her return.

“Nah Finn. I’m the one….the one who didn’t….I mean I could have tried more. I just….you see I thought…”

His hands pulled her tight against his chest, stroking her back, lips pressed together in an utterly futile attempt at pacifying the inherent turmoil that had raged and burnt during her absence.

“Shushh….shush girl. Its okay.”

He hadn’t realised he was crying until she finally pulled back and smoothed his face with her thumbs.

“Finn I….I might not have said it in as many words and certainly not enough but I missed you….I really missed you.”

His face crumpled, his eyes drawn tightly shut, that tick in his fingers obviously present. His teeth worried his lip as he drew deep breaths.

“I missed you like crazy.”

“Oh Finn.” She drew him tight against her. They rocked softly finally hearing the not so quiet tones of Otis Redding from downstairs.

“You know your dad doesn’t have half bad taste in music.” Rae quipped.

Finn smiled and squeezed her a bit tighter. “Yeah, well might have got a few tips but he likes Status fuckin’ Quo for Christ’s sake!”

“Humm they might have done the odd decent track.”

“You’ve got to be bloody joking. This is why I have the superior music taste.”

“Piss-off. Deep down you know it’s me that has the best taste. Even if you won’t admit it you knob.”

“Oi you!” Finn started to laugh.

“Oh and Finn…” Rae stepped back. “You really stink…. beer, sweat and….just have a bloody shower.”

Finns face dropped briefly. Then he made a show of sniffing his armpits.

“Alright, you might have a point……”

“Right. I’m going to sort supper and you can wash.” She giggled and stepped back, slowly releasing his hand.

Rae nearly fell asleep during the meal; her head continually bobbing then falling towards her chest to be followed by a jerky recall. Gary had cooked a very bland meal, consisting of chicken, rice and vegetables, which they ate accompanied by Simon and Garfunkel.

“Rae - you look exhausted.” Gary started.

“Yeah. Suppose driving back from London’s really taken it out of me. Must be getting old.” She winked at Gary.

“You? You drove…you drove back?” Finn stuttered.

She nodded. “Of course. Archer need to work today and I don’t think he was that keen on me commandeering his car but he was that tired he capitulated without me needing to resort to nicking his glasses!”

“But where……” Finn searched her face and then this father’s.

“Guest room’s made up Finn.” Gary stated calmly.

“And I’m afraid to say that I think I need to head there now or you’ll find me in a rice supernova in the morning.”

Finn opened his mouth, but Gary placed a hand on his forearm.

“Night Rae love. Sleep well. See you tomorrow.” Rae smiled thankfully and kissed Gary on the cheek. “Night Gary.”

She pulled her chair back and stood up a little hesitantly, uncertainty between them undoubtedly remaining. She paused next to Finn and dropped a kiss on his still damp hair. “Night you. See you in the morning.”

“Sleep well.” He whispered.

***********  
Rae yawned and stretched as the sound of Space Oddity reached her ears. Initially she dismissed it as coming from downstairs. However, as consciousness fully returned, a smile crossed her face when she realised the true location of its source.

Wandering up to the loft  in her leggings and t-shirt, she softly sang along. Opening the door, she found the man who had interrupted her dreams, sat on the floor, pen in mouth, book open in intense concentration. He then started to scribble furiously on the paper, frown ever present.

“Morning dickhead.”

Finn startled and gazed up solemnly at first.

“Oh…morning.” He smiled softly.

“Shall I bring you some breakfast? Tea?” She asked.

“I…you don’t have to.” He sat up straight and put his pen down to look at her properly.   
“I want to. Besides, looks like you’re making progress.” She replied.

“Aye. Down to the conclusion really after this.” He looked relieved, having spoken those words.

Breakfast was eaten in near silence on the floor of his room. A sardonic smile crossed her face as he flicked the skylight open, cup of tea in hand and commenced to smoke. She suppressed a small giggle. for there was something about him, Something about his dark stubble that could almost be classified as beard growth, something about his bruised eyes with their soft lines, something about those full lips sucking on that white paper, something about his arms and those glorious patterns….She had to force herself to stop considering his form, aware of how much emotional distance there was to bridge, and inhaled deeply, understanding how nervous she was.

“Right so…erm today.”

“Today….Today I need to write a bit more. I’ve got a couple of drawings to work on. But I also have an appointment my da’s taking’ me to and….”

“An appointment?” Her brow furrowed.

“Aye…Kester. My weekly appointment.”

Her face fell, suddenly becoming paralysed as unwanted thoughts began to invade her mind and she shuddered involuntarily.

“Rae?” His face a picture of bewilderment and concern.

“You….you’re…you’re seeing Kester?” Her inner voice externalised as a mere whisper.

“Ummmm. You know I was talking’ to someone.”

“But Kester?” A little more venom than intended materialised in her tone.

“I……He gave me his card. Fuck…Look, I thought you knew. I….it’s not just the shite with Laura. Jesus, I …erm…fuck ….” His voice broke with the weight of the words he just couldn’t say.

She remained immobile, staring at the floor, hands tightly clasped at her side. She was fearful of what he might now understand of her, but more concerned about what he had had to endure.  Finally, she raised her head to see his shaking form, gazing desolately out of the window.

“Finn.” It was as if he had not heard her, his body simply crumpling inwards.

Hesitantly and grievously his half swallowed words emerged in a gruff, broken tone. “That day, when you came to find me, in the studio. I never meant for my body to ….I couldn’t help that I had to be sick. I wish it had never happened because….” He paused biting his lip and trying to swallow a sob. Fearing his words would be lost if he looked at her, he cast his eyes to the floor so that he could continue. “I can’t forgive myself Rae. And, and I still dream that….that he…I’m sorry, I can’t. I just can’t.”

Then it hit her with a hitherto unknown force. What had befallen her, had not left him in any way unscathed. Involuntarily, she started to not just to tremble but to shake. Nonetheless, she forced down her feelings and hesitantly closed the distance between them, clumsily clambering onto the bed. She drew his forlorn figure into her arms, holding as tightly as she dared. Such was the force of his vision, that he collapsed into a dishevelled heap on the bed, dragging her with him. She muttered soothing words in his ear, stroking his back, waiting for the tempest to pass.

**********  
Rae was seat on the leather sofa in Gary’s front room, filled with the blazing sound of The Rolling Stones. She was alone in the house, yet her heart was replete with incontestable and uncontrollable emotion. The actions of the past could not be rescinded, re-taken, they would stand for ever in time as testament to her state of mind, the hurricane that had devastated her.

Although admitting it was difficult, she was relieved that Gary had driven Finn to his appointment. It had taken the best part of JJ72’s eponymous album to calm him sufficiently to restore any words or function to his limbs. She had held it together until the clunky sound of the old volvo leaving trailed off down the driveway. Her whole being had dissolved into grief; her transgressions, as opposed to those inflicted upon her, at the forefront of her mind.

Rationally, she both welcomed and courted the grief, allowing it room to be, to evolve, to bring her its pain and torment. For she still marvelled at the lack of numbness, bathing in all its terrible glory, wishing to understand the depth and magnitude of her feelings. Now calm, she vowed to use them, to convert them into something, to try to alter the way she allowed her self-esteem to impact on her interactions with Finn and her friends. She considered there was still much to be addressed.

There was no obvious route, no simple solution but this only imbued her with the fight to continue, to strive. Once again, she found herself pen in hand, paper in front of her. The last time she’d even remotely considered any form of creative writing was before, before Liam. She was surprised that for the first time she could remember, his name neither rendered her apoplectic with anxiety nor shut her down.

The words were stubborn and recalcitrant. It was as if, having realised her intent, they had retreated to the furthest corner of her mind. She refused to panic, but persisted on in a fit of bloody mindedness.

Gary and Finn returned to find her amidst a sea of balls of paper. She was quick to rise to her feet, embracing Finn who smiled a little shyly.

“Fancy a brew girl? I sure could use one.”

She’d nodded smiling and busied herself trying to throw the balls into a wicker basket in the far corner of the room. Finn caught her in the midst of the act, chuckling at the way her lips pursed in serious concentration. This developed into a laugh as she turned to face him, petulant expression only too clear on her face.

“What you laughing at Finn?” She raised her eyebrows accusatorially and lobbed another ball which fell short by a considerable distance.

This only served to increase his mirth. Yet she became all the more incensed as he laughed heartily at her serious expression. She eyeballed him before her next attempt, which inevitably failed. She would not concede and carried on fruitlessly throwing the balls. Finally she stamped her foot, hands on her hips, and he near doubled over, his sonorous laughter filling the room.

“It’s not funny Finn. So not funny.”

He desperately attempted to control his, laughter biting his lip. Concerned that he might have genuinely upset her, he turned to face away but somehow tripped in the process on a loose lace of one of his boots. Initially shocked to find himself sprawled on the floor, a brief silence ensued, before he started to chuckle at himself. Upon hearing her slight snort and giggle, he turned onto his back and placed his hands behind his head.

“See. Intentional….Just wanted to make you laugh.”

“Yeah right dickhead. You so tripped.”

“Nah. That were a calculated move on my part.”

She raised an eyebrow but couldn’t hold back any longer. Erupting into loud peals of laughter, she sat on the floor next to his prone form.

He sat up and looked at her, assessing, considering, but enjoying this moment for what it was and the relief that it brought.  
“You know you really are  a dickhead Rae…..what the fuck were you doing?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re the dickhead. Let’s not forget that was no coordinated dance move on your part.”

She looked into his eyes, searching for a sign of him holding back, for distance, for any indication of his feelings. They appeared unreadable in all respects other than his laughter. Their deep brown sparkled with happiness and a gay abandonment characterised by the absence of the tension that had been present throughout the weeks she stayed with him at Chop’s and since her return.

And she longed to touch him, feel his embrace again, but effecting this frightened her. Putting aside her own needs, she couldn’t be certain that he was ready, or indeed, whether he would ever wish to be more than friends. She steeled herself to allow the honest smile and laughter of friendship to suffuse her being.

She was laughing so hard that his arms took her by surprise. They pulled her close against his still heaving body, one hand in her hair.

“So errr….. you reckon I’m the dickhead.” He grinned and bopped her on the nose. “Because from where I’m sitting you’re the dickhead.”

“So am not. It’s you.” She scrunched her nose intentionally cutely at him.

“I wasn’t the one who couldn’t get a single fuckin’ paper ball in the bin.”

“And….?”

He removed the hand from her hair and picked up a ball, throwing it straight into the waste paper bin with ease, smug grin adorning his face.

“That must have been a fluke…..And even if it wasn’t- this isn’t an Olympic sport. Do you want a medal or something?”

“Christ. You are Little Miss Impossible sometimes. Aren’t you?” He smirked. “Anyways girl. What the fuck did you get through so much paper for? What were you doing?”

Her face fell. Momentarily she froze. She was fearful of telling him, in case he thought it stupid, in case he might not understand. She started to pick at her cuticles.

“Hey what is it girl?” His hand sought out hers, preventing her from inflicting any damage with her nails.

“I…errr….It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to tidy up this mess.”  She blushed at the evidence of her many failed attempts at expressing her feelings.   
Then leapt to her feet, quickly and efficiently grabbing as many balls as possible, decanting them rapidly into the bin.

“Hey…..hey.” He gently put his hands on her arms, his tone was soothing. Yet his brow furrowed as he could not understand.

Her head hung. She scrunched her eyes and clenched her teeth but then let it out. “It was a stupid idea. It really doesn’t matter Finn. And it’s not as if I managed to write anything anyway. I was….I was trying to write…..to write you a poem.” She stammered.

His hands slid down her arms. “You….you…” His words lost.

“Doesn’t matter Finn. Look I should probably …” She was unsure where to look, berating herself for own poetic ineptitude, having nothing to show for her hours of thought and scribbled beginnings.

“Please. Please…..Girl, you were writing me a poem? Me? I mean….it does matter. It matters to me.” He moved closer to her, ensuring that his words would be heard. “Nobody’s ever done anything like that for me. Never. I would ….it’d be amazing to read your words.”

She stood there for a moment, processing his response, trying to formulate one of her own. She opened her mouth repeatedly but no sound escaped. The silence started to feel awkward, she had to say something, anything.

“Oh Finn. How’s about a dance? Your dad got anything that won’t make my ears bleed?”

Something quite incomprehensible flashed across his face before he settled to leafing through a section of the LPs that were stored in specialist wood cabinets that took up at least half of one wall of the room.

“Right. No complaints now missy. I know what you like to…”

She unintentionally silenced him, by draping her arms around his neck as the first strains of Roberta Flack emanated from the vintage Wharfedale speakers. His arms closed around her waist. Yet they maintained a respectable distance between their bodies as he slowly danced her around the room. She could feel the breath, tight in his chest, the way his fingers seemed to tense and release the fabric of her shirt, the stubble against her cheek. His unmistakable and much missed scent rendered her so lightheaded that she shivered. He pulled her closer and tightened his grip. .

It had been something of a relief that Gary had walked in shouting “So what do you feel like for tea?” Before quickly reversing and clumsily shutting the door.

Laughter ensued as Finn had to coerce him to return and Rae held out a hand, the three of them dancing in a circle, as children would to Ring a Ring O’ Roses.

***********  
The following day heralded a late start for Rae, still playing catch-up after her lost night’s sleep. She found Finn sketching in his room, splayed out over his bed.

“Morning Finn.” She yawned.

“Oh” He snapped his sketch pad shut and leapt to his feet. “Morning girl.” He placed a hand on her shoulder and leant in to kiss her cheek.

“So…” She began uncertainly.

“Look err.. Rae - I have…I have to get home today….I know you need to see yer mum and’ that but it’s really important.”

She frowned, but relinquished her desire to fire back questions.

“It’s okay Finn. You have to do what’s right for you. I understand that. I know that I am probably…”

“Nah” He grasped her hand and shocked her by entwining their fingers. “You know…you know that I mentioned a special project in me letters. You see it’s just….” His breath caught in his chest, tears pricked his eyes, causing him to blink.

“I have to finish it. It’s the last piece of my portfolio And I need to….there’s so much still to do and …..Fuck it’s the thing I’ve been dreading. It’s my black sheep thingy.”

She frowned for a second trying to divine what he meant but his tone had been evidence enough. “Oh Finn. You mean your bete noire? It’s okay. Come here”. Rae pulled him close, stroking his hair as he clung to her. “I promise I’ll be with you tomorrow. You know what my mother’s like. You sure you don’t want me to cancel on her?”

He shook his head. “I’m not having her coming’ round the house again. Especially not if I’m working. Besides you need to see her Rae. It’s fine, honestly.”

Truth be known, Rae was highly unconvinced that this was actually the case. But Finn had to make his own decisions. Neither was she his keeper, nor did she know any better. She bit her lip and decided to say nothing more.

**************************  
Rae endured the bus journey far better than she’d dared imagine. Headphones on, bus near empty and a sunny day made for a near blissful experience. Her mother had seemingly been overjoyed to to see her, having both her daughters under the same roof for the night. Rae had tolerated her fussing and, at times, overbearing concern for Rae’s welfare, remarkably well. However, Linda had not been happy that her eldest daughter was traveling back to the town where her ex had found her.

Karim had yet again played peacemaker with considerable efficacy, placating Linda with the mobile phone that he had toiled to afford for his step-daughter. The whole situation was inherently complex, given she had no home to speak of, no job to return to, little in the way of savings to tide her over and an expensive course to pay for. Rae remained determined and undeterred, firm in her assertion that Chloe’s spare room was a temporary solution. Karim had somehow managed to reason this with Linda. He had not been at all happy with her choice to take the bus, suggesting that he take the day off work to drive her directly to Chloe’s.

In the end, a promise of collection by Jim had won out. Rae had been only too relieved to have found such a simple excuse to call him. For there was more she planned to discuss, however, this could only be done in person. Jim had been more than happy to agree to the arrangement, keen to assist Rae in any way he could, still feeling the burden of responsibility for what had happened when she had been working for him.

She arrived at Chop’s in good spirits, having spent half an hour negotiating hard with Jim. He had point blank refused to let her return as a barmaid, citing the sheer degree of risk. However, he was aware of a member of kitchen staff who had expressed an interest in trying bar work and had somehow, a little unwittingly perhaps, agreed to a workable compromise. Rae could work some shifts in the kitchen, only during daylight hours, when he was working in the bar. That way, he reasoned, she was as protected as possible. He had suggested various other potential employments to her, yet even he, understood the benefit of him being readily on hand.

Chop had answered the door, exceedingly chirpily. Once inside, she comprehended as to why. For in a couple of days, he had completely transformed the house. It was sparking clean, replete with new sofas and smelt divine. It was evident the carpets had been cleaned and new curtain poles hung. But it was Izzy’s coat hanging back in the hall that signified the real change.

“Not too shabby Chopper. Not too shabby at all.”

“Well Raemundo. I’ve got you to thank for it all. You told me when I was behaving like a right twat and now my Izz is back.” He threw his arms around her in a bear hug.

“Oi…oi….Thought I could hear voices. Room for one more?”

Rae turned, and her breath caught slightly in her throat. He was dressed in a checked shirt, sleeves rolled up, revealing some of the beauty of his arms. A pair of tattered and torn jeans slung low on his hips and his face and hands covered in black smudges. Even so, she found him disarmingly handsome and blushed.

Finn threw one arm around Rae’s waist and another over Chop’s shoulder. They all squeezed each other in their happy little circle.

“Right. I’m off to get some new bed linen and stuff. Want to make Izz’s first night back special and that. Behave yourselves. Don’t do anything…”

“Piss of Chop-stick.” Finn griped.

“Coming from the man who’s pimping up his bed for his girlfriend.” Rae rolled her eyes.

“Alright,alright. See you later.” With that, Chop grabbed his jacket and made his way out of the front door, whistling cheerfully.

“So, err..” Finn bit his lip.

“Did you get any more of that special project done?” Rae asked softly.

“Ummm….well sort of. I’ve got a long way to go.It’s….it’s complicated.”

Carefully, she reached forward and ran her fingers over a particularly dark smudge on his cheek. As she did so, he raised his eyes to meet hers, a small frown playing on his forehead. Slowly, he ran his tongue between the middle of his parched lips and then rubbed them together slightly.

“Would you like a brew girl?”

She smiled and accepted with a nod. As he made the tea, she pondered his response to her touch. Making an excuse to leave, as the old Rae would have done, was simply not option given she was not prepared to walk away anymore.

He remained mute and unreadable, whilst drinking his tea, with only the background noise of The Cure’s Head on the Door album providing aural company. She snuck occasional glances in his direction but he seemed to be completely absorbed in the contents of his mug. She stared into hers, wishing there were leaves to make an interesting pattern, to predict the outcome of this peculiar feeling day.

Her mind was awash with stories of fortune tellers and fairs of her childhood, when he cleared his throat. Her heart skipped a beat as she glanced up, to see him standing, hand extended towards her. She put her hand in his rough, dirty one and was a little surprised as he pulled her onto her feet. He walked them up the stairs, pausing with intent outside the door to his room.

“Umm….me special project…it erm…you see…The..the thing is…” He shook his head sadly.

She unfurled her fingers from his. Running them through his hair, she tried to catch his gaze but his eyes remained on his boots. Tentatively, she cupped his cheek with one hand and placed her lips softly to his other cheek. He looked up, eyes dark and brooding and opened the door slowly.

“You….you might need to climb over the bed.”

She had barely taken two paces when she saw it and froze, eyes desperately scanning its form, not knowing where it began or what it meant. She needed to be closer, there was far more to this than could be seen from such distance. Utterly mesmerised, she crawled over the bed, eyes still focussed on the back wall.

For a large part of it was covered in an abstract design, stylistically reminiscent of that adoring her right thigh. But it was so much more than an oversized tattoo; it changed and evolved in what she determined was a complex elliptical pattern. She fathomed that it represented a story, something of great significance and importance, yet it was only two thirds complete. Instinctively, her fingers reached out, to trace some of its interwoven bands, but they stopped just short and she gasped. For on close inspection, it had been created with thousands of tiny lines with a phenomenal intricacy.

She felt a hand on her shoulder.

“You…I mean do you think it’s ok?”

She remains silent, eyes continually and greedily absorbing more and more of the details.

“I….I…oh…..holy fuck Finn - it’s breathtaking. I…..how…I mean……it must have taken days and….oh my god.”

She stands stock still, devouring more and more, finally deciphering the extraordinary sorrow of the uppermost left quadrant.

“This……” She points, shakily. “It…it speaks of an  infinite sadness, pain….but here…” Her hand moves. “It seems calmer, not happy but ….it’s a transition…..but that….there’s anger and darkness and……”

She clutches at straws; to find the words that wouldn’t come. It would only be some hours later that she would finally decipher it was because they simply didn’t exist. A tear rolled down her cheek. She felt his arms wrap around her waist, his head resting on her shoulder.

“It…it’s a story Mae…..a neverending story…it…it’s all about feelings and…and….” He stammered badly.

She sensed the tremors in his body and slid her hand over one of his, entwining their fingers, then bringing it up to her mouth, softly placing her lips on his fingers.

“Christ, Finn…..it’s…” She dropped his hand, in shock, finally comprehending what this meant, what it signified. The room started to spin, her legs felt weak.

“Jesus Mae.” He  turned her and pulled her tight against him. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you girl.”

Walking them back slowly to the bed, he dared not let go. It would be only too easily to sucummb to his innate desire to allow the explanation to spill forth from his lips, to lay his soul bare, make himself utterly vulnerable. Yet, he recognised a fear, a need to protect himself, to preserve sufficient resources to complete his testament. It was not without significant struggle that he simply held her, letting them be.

Head pressed against his chest and shoulder, she could hear his heart beating strong and fast in his chest. Eventually, his hand moved to stroke her hair and she gripped his shirt a little tighter. He dropped a solitary kiss on top of her head.

It was only when her lips moved instinctually in response against his exposed collarbone, that he deemed resistance futile and relented a little on his earlier resolve. Pulling back, he caught her eyes, his breath coming ever faster. His hand brushed the stray strands of her hair out of her face, remaining on her cheek. Slowly he pushed his parted lips against hers, intentionally chastly. But it wasn’t enough. The second time, he lingered, his lips slightly catching on hers. The third rendered him faint with longing but he fought it, resting his forehead against hers, catching his breath.

“Fuck Mae….oh god.” His voice a mixture of yearning and desolation.

“Finn….hey shush….How about some music?” Her eyes were full of empathy.

A warm smiled crossed his beautiful face.

“Always time for music. Actually, I’m going to need to try to finish this.”

“Finn. There’s so much…so much space to be….I mean how on earth?”

“I’m going to be brave…..Part of it….part of it will remain empty because the story isn’t finished yet. At least…”

She squeezed his hand, providing him the intended solace.

“Well. How do you feel about painting to …to erm…Pulp?” She asked with a nervous shrug.

He snorted. “Pulp? Seriously? Only someone as obsessed with Jarvis as you are would suggest that!”

She pouted, eyes still alight. “Ok How about Blur?”

“Mae….come on.”

He looked round to find her putting an album on the turntable - Oasis.

“Good choice there. Chop’ll be relieved it’s not The Smiths. I played them non-stop when I was doing the first bit.”

He picked up a very fine brush and a pot of ink. And finally Rae understood how he’d achieved the effect and why he was covered in smudges and she smiled.

“I suppose I’d better leave you to it.”

He turned to face her. “If you try to leave right now, I might be forced to paint you with this brush. Then we could be matching pair.” .

“You wouldn’t dare Finnley.”

“Wanna bet?” He raced over as best as he could and caught her round the waist with one arm.

She put up a mock struggle, giggling and was a little taken aback to find his lips on hers again, placing a succession of chaste kisses.

“Finn! This is not getting your work done. I’m only staying if you actually get on with painting right?”

He sighed, rolled his eyes comically and stepped back. She climbed onto the bed and lay down as he started to work.

*****  
She rolled onto her back, still drowsily returning from the land of nod, and yawned. Blinking her eyes open she saw Finn’s warm brown ones looking at her.

“Hello sleepyhead?”

“Oh shit! Sorry. I didn’t mean to doze off like that. What’s the time?”

“It’s nearly 4pm Mae. And Lucy’s on her way - come to read my dissertation for me - you know to check it’s okay. You up for joining us at the club tonight?”

Rae remained silent, assimilating the new information, contemplating its significance. For their private world was exactly that: something that existed between the two of them, in the absence of others. Trepidation rendered her temporarily speechless and she turned to leave, scrabbling for a reasoned response as she walked.

“I err…..maybe Finn….I’m tired and if I don’t make it, give Lucy a big hug from me.”

The way his face dropped, reverting to that lost little boy, haunted her as she walked over to Chloe’s. Leaving had been one of those catch-22 moments, a decision with no possible satisfactory outcome. It was clear he’d hoped that she would stay, but she knew he needed to work and discuss his forthcoming submission with Lucy. She would have only proved a distraction. How could she have possibly ameliorated the situation?

Besides, they had only just made the first few tentative steps towards something new. The situation was precarious, fraught with an extraordinary fusion of emotion, memories and unspoken words. It was as if “they” were finely balanced on a knife edge, the slightest waiver could fling them back into the abyss.

Finn’s dream had to come first. She was more than proud of his portfolio and awe-struck with the talent she had witnessed. Time would grace them in a few days. Patience was most certainly not one of her virtues, but for once she had to pay her dues.

*************  
Rae grasped Chloe’s hand as they got out of taxi. She appreciated the wisdom of Chloe’s insistence on this apparent luxury, only too aware that walking around late at night was not sensible. A shudder coursed through her, causing her pause, when she thought of Liam again.

“Rae?” Chloe turned, her face a picture of concern.

“I….I was just thinking …..I mean he could be…he could be…..”

“Let’s get inside yeah……get with the rest of the group….then perhaps you’ll feel a little you know….” She swallowed. “Safer?” Chloe pulled her friend into a hug and then took her hand again.

It was already late when they turned up at the table where Chop and Izzy were sat amidst a pile of coats. Izzy threw her arms around the pair, keen to impart the day’s news to her closest friends. Rae sat down and patiently listened and couldn’t help but smile at her unbridled joy at Chop’s latest surprise - a weekend break away in London.

“Typical, I go and buy a round of drinks and……Oh, hi Rae. Great to see you.” Mike leant over and kissed her on the cheek.

“Chlo.”

Rae was little surprised when he chastely kissed Chloe just as he had done her. She accepted the shot passed to her by Izzy, downing it in one.

“Fuck. Whoa - that burnt.”

“Have another Raemundo. Go on.” Chop cheered.

“Chop….” Izzy glared.

“Actually Izzy it’s fine. I could do with a pint. I’ll just nip to the bar. Anyone else want anything else?”

Standing by the bar, she turned to see, Archie, Jim, Finn and Lucy dancing with happy abandon, and couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. She shut her eyes, reminding herself to get a grip, trying to visualise Finn’s face earlier that day, the feel of his lips against hers. Whilst that didn’t seem to come naturally, she was at least victorious in closing out the images that kept threatening since their arrival at the club.

She returned to the table, snakebite in hand and took the nearest empty seat next to Mike. She had barely had more than couple of mouthfuls when she looked up to discover that they had intentionally been left alone.

“Okay. That lot are less subtle than a herd of elephants at a mouse’s teaparty.”

Mike laughed heartily.  “So erm…..”

“Mike it’s fine, honestly. No point in beating around the bush. I am more than okay about you and Chlo. In fact, I am bloody happy for the pair of you. ” She leant over and kissed him on the cheek.

“Rae. There’s no need to be so magnanimous if….”

“Stop right there. It’s fucking brilliant. Look, I’m sorry if I sound a bit - you know….That has nothing to do with you two.”

“Thanks Rae. I feel…I’m really happy. I mean I never thought….We’re so different but it really seems to work. But you know you’re great don’t you petal? ” He turned to face her. “What is it? Please, if there’s anything I can do.”

“I’m fine honestly. Just been a bit of an odd day.” She picked up her drink and slogged back the best part of half a pint, before Mike gently removed the glass from her hand, placing it on the table.

“It’s Finn isn’t it?” His eyes full of genuine compassion.

She grimaced uncomfortably, then nodded.

“You do realise they’re just friends. I mean he’s not…..Fuck it! You have this ridiculous effect on people. Do you know that? Once again I’m tossing my principles out of the window and possibly breaking a friend’s confidence but Finn…..He had a pretty difficult time while you were away. He really struggled. I think he genuinely thought that perhaps you weren’t coming back, And.tell me if I’m talking out of turn…”

He paused and ran his hand through the back of his hair. “But I think what he needs right now, is a hell of a lot of reassurance. Going away was absolutely the right thing for you to do on so many levels. But it wasn’t just your absence that Finn found difficult. You know he’s been trying to work through a lot of stuff. What Laura put him through….”

Mike had to stop. Although he couldn’t be sure of it, he had guessed that Finn had yet to impart the truth of that relationship to Rae. He glanced up to see her wiping a tear away, a sight that made him distinctly ill at ease. “Petal. You need to talk to him about it. It may not be my place but it wasn’t just words and her constantly putting him down. You remember how she threw an ashtray at him and was rather physical when he broke up with her? It wasn’t the first time. I don’t know how extensive that side of things was. But the bullying was vicious. The way she attacked and belittled him, destroyed his self-confidence. He adores you and we both know he would do anything for you. But you’ve got to be there for him too. You’ve got to show him you care because right now he’s incapable of inferring it. You need to be brave and blunt Rae.”

She smiled softly and hugged Mike in thanks. The beat of the music slowed as Archie and Jim joined them motioning for Mike to go to dance with Chloe. Rae’s eyes followed Mike out onto the dancefloor, grateful for the abundant honesty between them, understanding that she was very lucky to have such friends. Catching sight of Chop and Izzy dancing, his hands wandering as usual, she grinned. But her face fell as she saw Lucy’s perfect diminutive form in Finn’s arms.

She closed her eyes for a minute then downed the rest of her pint and returned to the bar for a top-up. The queue was long and she fought the urge to jump in the first taxi back to Chloe’s. She really wasn’t sure she was strong enough, that she had sufficient reserves to be able to absorb any knock-back. Sipping her drink, she returned to the table only to be enveloped in a group hug between Archie and Jim. Shortly to be followed by Lucy throwing her arms dramatically around her.

“Oh my god. You drinking Snakebite?”

“Course! This is not Ribena!” The pair started laughing.

They chatted banally about the past few days and made polite small talk, until Lucy shoved Jim out of the way and plopped down on the sofas next to Rae.

“What’s up?”

Rae shook her head but her eyes wandered over to the dancefloor where Mike, Chloe and Finn were dancing, arms around each other.

“Oh I see. You two are a right pair! He’s got his grumpy pants on tonight I tell you. Mind you the dissertation is looking bloody good.”

Rae’s eyes lit up. “Do you…do you think it will be good enough?”

“I’d think so. But I’ve not seen his large scale piece yet - fucker won’t let me see it until it’s finished.”

“Oh.” Rae mulled the words over in her mind.

Lucy placed a hand on her shoulder and spoke softly into her ear. “If you want him Rae, you need to show him. Fight for him Rae….fight for him.”

Somewhat frustrated, she had to dispel her belief that what she had been doing was in any way enough. It was one thing exposing herself to potential rejection, disappointment and unbearable hurt, in private. But doing so in front of their friends in public was a whole different ball game. Their relationship, if it could be defined as such, had almost entirely consisted of interactions between the two of them, behind closed doors. She could only recall a couple of occasions in the entire few weeks when she had stayed at Chop’s when they had even so much as hugged with the others present.

She commenced debating whether it really constituted a “relationship.” Internally an argument raged; for a part of her knew, despite the absence of anything more sexual than a kiss, what they shared was intimate and unique. But the still nervous and unconfident part of her tried to wage that this could not be termed a relationship.

She frowned, blinking a few times to prevent the tears that wanted to drop. Assertively passing her pint to Lucy, she strolled towards the DJ booth. Then joined her friends on the dancefloor, periodically glimpsing nervously at Finn’s relaxed face, a little too wound up to make her presence known. Gazing at her converse, she felt an arm around her shoulders.

“Though you weren’t coming.” He whispered in her ear.

“Me miss a night out? Unlikely.” She quipped.

His jovial expression dropped. She replayed Mike’s and Lucy’s words once more. This hadn’t been about her self-esteem all along. This was about him, his needs, his lack of confidence. Should they both continue in the same fashion, she perceived it could only end with tears. She vowed she would do everything in her power to prevent that.

“Right people.Tonight we have a special request for one of the funkiest ladies that has ever graced our dance floor. It’s “Stand by Me.””

Finn stands there blinking at her, looking perplexed. She picks up one of his hands and moves closer, to be certain her words won’t be drowned by the noise of the music and mass of bodies.

“Would you, would you do me the honour of dancing with me?”

He pulls back; his eyes large and questioning, a slight twitch in his face.

“You don’t have to dance with me here because you feel sorry for me.” He stutters.  

She leans forward, thinking of placing a kiss on his cheek but opts for the corner of his mouth instead. “I really want to dance with you here.”

“Oh, come here.” He holds his hands towards her.

Attentively, she entwines their fingers, uncertain as to how to dance like this. They end up a respectable distance apart, moving somewhat uncomfortably and stiltedly: for the music cannot flow through their bodies. Rae takes decisive action, dropping his hands and placing hers around his neck, standing closer to him. His hands find her waist in a show of restraint. Stutteringly at first, they dance until he bravely pulls her into where she belongs.

Relaxing waves pulse through her as she breathes in the musk she has yearned for, silencing the groan of how she has ached for this. Somehow, he seems to understand, and his hands run up and down her back as he starts to sway. Almost imperceptibly at first, his hips roll. Although he ensures that the movement never becomes pronounced, such that it may remain between the pair of them. And a new intrepidness begins to pervade her being. She intentionally presses her moist lips against his neck, placing a succession of small kisses on the slightly salty skin.

Slowly, he draws back. His eyes are dark pools. She reads the undercurrent of anxiety correctly and places a calming hand on his cheek. Her eyes seek permission from his before she places her lips on his. Almost instantly, he reciprocates. The soft chaste kisses continue, until breathless, he presses his forehead against hers, swaying her more generously, flush against his body. His lips remain parted and swollen, his eyes shut, his breath shallow.

Forgotten are the location, the other bodies on the dancefloor, their friends dancing alongside, past tensions and future fears. For the first time in months, the demons have released their hold, guards have been lowered to allow them to open up to one another in such a way that they have yet to find the words for. His hand slides down her body, coming to rest on her hip. No physical distance remains.

Their bodies continue in melded motion, long after the tempo has changed: her hand in his hair, one of his on her waist, the other on her lower back. Neither wishes to leave this near forgotten sanctuary, both afraid of returning to what lies beyond them.

Rae revels in the depth of the state evoked, the near lost connection that sustains and fulfills her in such manner that she had never known possible before. She felt warm, protected and more than that, protective of him. That which has been staring her in the face for so long becomes perfectly clear - his happiness is integral to her well being, no matter what that should dictate for her. And finally the words, which refused to come, to show themselves on the many crumpled balls of paper, flood into her head in syncopated clusters.The vision unveils itself and bring her a sense of excitement and determination.

“Jesus! Do they not realise fucking music changed pissing ages ago?”

Chops all too familiar tone finally shattered the blissful illusion and Finn stepped back hesitantly. A smile, that could not quite reach his eyes, playing on his lips. The inches between them may have well been a chasm, as that unfathomable look darkened his face again. Bravely, she takes his hand in hers as he gives Chop a look.

She starts leading him back to the sofas, but then she feels the tick that signifies his need to find his release with nicotine. Reluctantly, she slowly lets his hand ago. It takes her a couple of seconds to realise he has stopped. She turns to find him looking bewildered, reflecting on his fingers. She walks back, interlinking their fingers.

She senses, rather than observes, his ritual of rolling a cigarette, using his thigh as a flat surface. She notes the way tension leaves his body as he exhales, when she feels his other arm around her shoulders. She looks around the table, expecting enquiring stares, judgement possibly. Chloe is sitting on Mike’s lap and they are whispering in each other’s ears. Chop and Izzy are snogging. And Jim, Lucy and Archie and having some in depth and expressive discussion, full of gesticulation. She nestles a little closer to Finn, such that their bodies meet from shoulder to knee, indulging herself a moment or two. But the passion ignited on the dance floor will not be dimmed.

“Finn. I have to go back. There’s something I need to do.”

Deep furrows appear on his forehead as he leans back.

“It’s okay.” She kisses him impetuously without thought. “I’ll get a cab.”

His face falls. “I can’t let you go in cab on your own. You can’t. Please no…Rae no.”  His voice increases in pitch and resonance as he continues. “It’s not safe. You can’t… he might …Rae for Christ’s sake.”

She blanches and her mouth hangs slightly open. The full force of his confession, renders her nauseous and inert as the comprehension of the effect of past events on him sinks in.

Archie is alongside Finn in a flash. She realises the others have all turned to face them.

“I am so sorry. I just didn’t think.” She stutters and pales. “Bollocks, I am such an idiot sometimes. Putting myself first - that was a shitty idea. I’ll stay.”

“No Rae. It’s fine. It’s me that’s the idiot. I’m being a paranoid arse. If you need to go then please…”

“No. I’m being selfish and silly. It doesn’t matter. I’ll stay.”

“Nah I’m the dickhead - seriously. Fuck knows what’s got into me.”

“Nah I’m most definitely the dickhead.”

“Oh so you are finally admitting to being a dickhead?” He raises his eyebrows and gently bops her on the nose with his forefinger.

“Might be?” She mirrors his gesture.

“Have I fallen into some alternate Universe hosting the dickhead olympics?” Lucy calls.

Rae sniggers and he follows suit, eyes never leaving one another. And then his lips are against hers in an unprecedented public show of his emotions.

“Awww aren’t they so cute!” Exclaims Izzy.

“Fuck’s sake you lot.” Quips Finn.

“Right. Looks like we’ll need a cab for three. Lucy and I can drop you off at Chlo’s unless…”

She shakes her head. “I have work to do and so do you. I am not being responsible for that extraordinary inkwork on your bedroom wall remaining incomplete.”

“Hang on a minute…. Have you been painting in your room?” Chop asks.

“Oh, my god Finn! Have you actually done a ….I thought when you said large you meant A2 or something.” Lucy reasons.

“Is that why you’ve spent so much time in your room?” Jim questions.

“Fuckin’ hell Nelson! You kept that a bit quiet. When you said special project, I thought you meant sculpture or life drawing or….” Mike interjects.

“Will you lot bloody stop it!” Finn holds his hands aloft in mock surrender.

“You……you mean I’m the only one who…who’s seen it…who knows?” Her voice near a whisper.

“You are.” He says gruffly, a shy smile on his face. He moves towards her but is interrupted by Chop clearing his throat.

“Right Finny. I had no idea you hadn’t finished you muppet. You are getting back pronto. You ain’t fucking up this application after weeks of work because of a late night. So that’ll be one cab for my house.”

“And one for my flat.” Chimes Chloe, smiling at Rae.

“We’d better make it a third for us then.” Archie winking most unsubtley at Jim.

***********                                                                                                                              
Finn sighed. The train was hot, uncomfortable and full of people, who either wouldn’t stop chatting shite to their companions or were shouting at top volume into their mobiles. As if he gave a damn about what their plans for the evening were. He had only just made the midday deadline by the skin of his teeth, having overslept due to working until 3am. This meant he had had to catch a later train. But at least the process was out of his hands now; unless the tutors wanted to come and inspect his handiwork in person.

He allowed his head to press against the grimy glass of the window and closed his heavy eyes, trying to shut the racket out. He had been in such a rush that morning that there was no discman in his bag, nothing to block out the appalling assault on his senses. He dreamt of the nice hot shower he was going to indulge in when finally he makes it home. Then another vision entered his mind and he wondered if she was actually going to turn up like she promised, or whether the contents of the envelope in his pocket represent the end of everything. He blocked it out, sweating in the process, pretending it was not even there.

His heart started to race a little, panic rising when he realised that he was going to be back far later than he said he would be. He wondered if she would still be there. And what if she had waited but then left, he would be none the wiser. He comprehended that she had rendered him utterly vulnerable once again and it frightened him.    
Despite all the work put in with Kester while she had been away, he was only too aware that he was far from piecing himself back together again. It had taken some weeks to come to the acceptance that something inherent had broken within him long before that episode with her. That one, which had filled his restless mind with tenebrous visions. He and Kester had started unpicking that moment at the root of his nightmares, which still kept him awake, sweating and praying for her safety.

With hindsight, he could see how the introspection had rendered him withdrawn and grumpier than usual. But he had heeded the words and actioned the encouragement given. He decided that he didn’t care if he was a good seven years older than the other students at Art College, that his dream need not remain as such. Lucy had been a godsend; talking him through the application process, helping him create the portfolio in a fashion that forged him a chance of acceptance. Yet he could not deny that his work was quite different, that some may not perceive it as art. Taking a chance on him was taking a risk.

Without his muse, his work had only come in fits and stutters. The dark days had yielded surprisingly poetically painful work, including a large section of the art on his bedroom wall. There had been days of broken charcoals, paints flung across the room in frustration, which he had chosen to numb with alcohol until his friends rallied around him, realising what a state he was in. The still life portraits required had nearly brought him to his knees. Only wishing to draw one person, he had tried time and time again to do so from memory but none of the output had been  remotely satisfactory. He had become terrified that he couldn’t recall how she looked, that she was fading with the mists of time.

Mike had finally stepped into the breach, posing with the full glory of his unbelievable collection of tattoos. Chloe had near enough had a fit when she had walked in to find her boyfriend, lying stretched out on a sheet on the sofa and Finn sketching feverishly. She had been placated by a couple of sketches that didn’t quite make the cut for the portfolio, mainly because the expression on her boyfriend’s face had been far from passive.

To say he had been shocked at Rae’s homecoming, would be a royal understatement. He felt as if the, only recently installed, rug had been whipped from under his feet. He had been in the last uphill slog of completing his work and her call had floored him.  He had gone against Lucy’s sage advice and even ignored her pleas, deliberately subjecting himself to a mammoth bender with the boys. Lucy was quite the force of nature, but she was no Rae. There never had been, nor would there ever be, a spark. Privately, he had his suspicions as to why, but it was none of his business. He had no need to know.

Seeing Rae again, had ripped open old wounds. He had felt so unsure of himself, cloudy about the dynamic again. Did she even consider him as more than a friend , had she ever thought of him that way? Or had he simply been the crutch that she needed at her lowest ebb? Another possibility had troubled him throughout her absence; that somehow she would associate him with the abhorrent trauma inflicted on her, that he belonged to a part of her life that she needed to leave behind in order to heal.

It hadn’t take long for him to once again find himself helplessly at her mercy. He had fought valiantly to hold part of him back, desperately afraid of the damage a rejection could inflict. But the struggle would always be futile, for an inextinguishable flame for her burnt deep within his soul. At the same time, he continued to be afraid of his own feelings for her. Everytime she was near him, the world would spin a little faster, the colours were that bit brighter and the ache inside him grew a little stronger.

Before she had left, he thought he could read her enough to be able to comfort her, to soothe and calm when she was troubled. But when it came to matters between them, he had always been irrevocably lost. She hadn’t called or written to let him know about her impending return, having turned to Chloe instead and he wasn’t sure if he was meant to infer something from that decision.

But then she had played the knight in shining armour retrieving him home, rather like he had once done for her. She had chosen to sleep in the guest room, she had gone to see her parents. Nonetheless, she had made all the right noises about supporting his work, being there for him, missing him even. But he couldn’t be certain, it was entirely possible that she simply felt sorry for him, the man who couldn’t keep a woman in his life.

He scolded himself for this instinctual reaction, a small but significant indication of what he has yet to overcome. The kisses they had shared in his room and the club had been chaste, but he would be surprised if she hadn’t felt something. He’d been pretty close to capitulating to the his ever increasing desire to kiss her in a frenzy of heat and passion, like they had done so many months ago. Something had stopped him. Something whose name or make-up he couldn’t quite discern.

He had nearly lost it in a fit of anger and fear when she had suggested going home alone in a cab. His attempt at explanation had been pathetic, lame, a stuttered ireful mess. He still could not fathom why it was so raw at that precise moment, though he suspected that their dance had a role to play. It was the first time he had dared let himself feel that way, to hope without expectation. He was grateful for his friends rescuing the situation before he had stormed off or damaged their relationship irretrievably.

He could not deny that he was saddened when she had gone back to Chloe’s and wondered what that cab ride must have been like. But deep down, he’d been aware that he needed to finish his portfolio, that it had had to take precedence. He had been heartened to find her on his doorstep yesterday, bearing a box of home baked cakes. Simultaneously, he had had a near heart attack when she had told him she’d walked the 10 minutes from Chloe’s alone. He had been near irascible and implacable, until she’d quietly and uncertainty mentioned that she was thinking of speaking to the Police.

In those short moments, she had returned to that childlike state that evoked the fiercely protective instinct in him. He’d had her curled up and secure in his arms within seconds as her tears came, promising he would be there, physically or metaphorically, that she didn’t have to be afraid. Yet now, his words seemed thin, swallowed trifles muttered in times of stress to keep the proverbial wolf at bay. They hadn’t been meant that way, but he had to question his own sentiment because he was no longer sure he was in possession of a rational mind.

Unthinkingly, his hand sought out the inner pocket of his battered leather jacket. He’d found the envelope on the doormat as he was rushing out of the door. It was only when he had sat on the train that morning when dread had insidiously crept its way into him, squeezing out all the thoughts of their meeting arranged the previous afternoon. As far as he had been concerned there could only be one reason for that letter: difficult or bad news. He couldn’t believe that he had made it thus far through the day without being paralysed by the weight of it in his pocket.

He swallowed, heart heavy in his mouth and pulled it out. There was no doubt it was from her. He had near enough memorised her handwriting when he had repeatedly pored over every letter she’d sent from Tunisia. He inspected the simple inscription again -  “Finn”, and tried to decipher whether this meant anything, or whether the exact flourish of pen on paper bore a message. He was still staring at it some ten minutes later, inner turmoil already reaching storm proportions when Kester’s voice came into his head.

It had been a particularly harsh session, full of searching questions, broaching a number of long buried thorny issues. He’d battled against opening up, his mouth remaining resolutely shut on a number of points. Kester had been undeterred, pushing and pushing until he had finally cracked; confessing that he was terrified of letting anyone in because then he was vulnerable and they had the power to destroy him. He supposed that he had known all along that when his mother left without a word, the experience had changed him almost to the point of defining him. But as he’d told Kester, he longed for it not to be that way, he wanted to take control.

Kester had counselled that self-defense mechanisms had a role, but when they were set as high as his at that point, they denied pleasurable experiences as well as keeping out negative ones. He fingered the flap of the white envelope and lifted it to his face, inhaling a faint whiff of lavender and patchouli. He breathed in jaggedly and took his life into his own hands, prising the contents from their safekeeping.

In it’s unfurled form, he knew he was holding a letter. And he was suddenly no longer sure that he could face the potential devastation. He quickly crumpled it back into his pocket as if it were toxic and his fingers would be contaminated by the poison leaching from it’s pages. It could then travel from his fingers through his bloodstream and into his heart, which would then stop beating. He realised he was being melodramatic and a little ridiculous and that he desperately needed a smoke.

Instead of smoking, he chewed on his forefinger and thumb that still tasted a little of his roll-ups. Finally, he couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer and he whipped the papers out of his pocket, badly creasing them and ripping the top one in the process. A deep furrow started on his brow and his hands began to shake as eyes skimmed the first couple of lines. The papers fluttered from his hands as shock set in, and he scrabbled on his hands and knees retrieving them, needing more.

 _Midwinter we met under Orion’s guiding light_  
Running from murky shadows our feet cold and bare  
Through the disconnect of the bitter winter’s long night  
Ivy and hawthorn tangled thickly in our hair

 _Seemingly impenetrable the ground was frozen_  
The mists of memories past swirl suffused with fears  
So unlikely that one another would be chosen  
To dance together to the music of the spheres

 _Budding snowdrops herald a longed for change in the air_  
Bright nascent hope of unheard symphonies conceived  
Spring deftly paints the countryside with her joyous flair  
Dreams of unity, now tentatively believed

 _When the spirit fire descends and refreshes in May_  
Crowns of fair cherry blossom will adorn our heads  
Dancing ‘neath starry skies until the pale light of day  
Fingers entwined, hands bound by shining golden thread

 _Summer’s seemingly neverending halcyon days_  
Will see us bask lazily beneath burning sun  
Thunderstorms sonorously crashing through the heat haze  
Laughing and chasing under rainbows we will run

 _Softly babbeling waters, glistening blue and clear_  
Blissfully and innocent we will float downstream  
Towards new horizons whilst holding each other dear  
Through night’s tree lined, shady moss groves lit by moonbeam

 _Over all the earth, Autumn’s wind will shower the leaves_  
Bearing memories of russet, amber and green  
Amongst the proud hedgerows; fields adorned with man’s gold sheaves  
Against the trunk of sturdy oak, our backs will lean

 _Faces lit, hands warmed by the glow of still burning fire_  
Reflecting on the ripe fruits borne by all the years  
Ears discerning the distant music of a new choir  
Our dance will continue but there will be no tears

 _Aching, weary bones and cold hands will old winter hail_  
Smiling, side by side we’ll gaze upon the sunset  
Once firm, the anchor starts to slip, a ship will set sail  
Halos of holly’s red berries our heads beset

 _And when the shortest day finally draws to a close_  
I will take your hand and listen to one more song  
Once again, we’ll meet beyond the celestial flows  
Together become the rainbows we chased so long

His head pounding, his mouth dry, he dragged his eyes back up to the start of the words again. He was sure he was being daft; only seeing what he wanted to see on the page. The words finally started to make sense after the third reading. For it was then that he noticed the distinct tremor in his hands, the twitch in his feet, and an ache of hitherto unknown proportions in his chest. The stations marking his way home could not come fast enough.

He mulled over the poem’s words again and again, realising that the poem did not in fact represent a year, but a lifetime. He hoped the words were about them - that she saw they had a future. And not just any future; but a long and significant one to be spent together. The part about hand binding intrigued him for he knew what that symbolised in other cultures and he blushed a little.

He stood up near the doors, long before the train rolled to a halt at his stop. He leapt off the train and sprinted over the footbridge, vaulting over a fence to save time. His lungs burnt, his heart hammered in his chest, when he finally stopped. This was the bench where he had found Rae, so so long ago one night when he’d run after her when she had been mid panic attack. He wondered if he was about to have one now; his chest unbelievably tight, he was hyperventilating and the world was spinning at an alarming rate.

Unceremoniously, he plonked himself down on the bench and wrenched his tobacco from his shirt pocket. His hands were shaking to such an extent it took three attempts to roll a passable cigarette, and even so this one still resembled a carrot. He inhaled deeply and blew the smoke out, watching the wind curl and carry it away. It took a second cigarette for him to still sufficiently to unfurl the paper once more. A solitary tear fell and smudged the ink. More deep breaths and he was ready to face the music.

The short journey felt like a lifetime, but now he was at the door, he was nervous and uncertain. The house was eerily still and he wondered if his previous fears about his tardiness were about to be realised. With an air of desolation, he trudged up the stairs, only too aware of how much he needed a shower before he went to seek her. Opening his bedroom door, he nearly dropped his bag. For there curled upon his bed was the woman who had filled his dreams and waking thoughts for so long.

The steady rise and fall of her chest told him, she was sleeping soundly. Her hair was fanned out on the pillow behind her, a single clump in front of her face, obscuring some of her beauty. He longed to sweep it out of her eyes, to draw her into his arms. But the images of the myriad of broken nights, spent comforting her when demons taunted and tormented her, were still so strong and fresh in his mind. He was grateful that she seemed so peaceful and decided the shower was a good idea after all.

**********  
She sighs and pulls the duvet a little closer, burying her head in the familiar palliative smell. She becomes aware of movement in the room and lazily opens an eye. There, with his back turned towards her, is Finn. Her breath catches hard in her throat for he is wearing nothing but the spiderman towel wrapped around his waist. His shoulders broad, the muscles of his back ripple and flex as he bends to open a drawer and sift through its contents.

It’s the very first time she’s seen this much of him. All those weeks she stayed with him, he remained reserved and sober, always appropriately covered. On reflection, she comprehends he was trying to comfort, to be as nonthreatening as possible, even sleeping in trackie bottoms and a t-shirt.

Then her stomach muscles clench a little as his hands rub his bottom through the towel. She starts to feel more than a little light-headed when he unwraps the towel from his waist and drags it languorously up his back and towels his hair. Her jaw slackens as his pert derriere is revealed. She knows she’s staring now but a long forgotten tingle spreads through her body as she becomes entranced. He chucks the towel onto the floor and she becomes absorbed in how the muscles of his back contract and relax. All too soon, he pulls on a pair of boxers.

He turns around, she assumes to seek his shirt when his eyes alight on hers.

“Oh…..uh….oh Mae.” He stammers, his lips slightly parted. “I ummm…sorry…I thought …..”

“No need to be sorry on my account.” Suddenly she claps her hand over her mouth, as it trying to push the words back in, aware that he may not, if ever, be ready to hear that from her.

“Oh…o ..right.” He stutters, cheeks flushed slightly pink. “Err….errr Mae…..I…ummm…fuck.”

“Finn? You ok? Do you want me to go downstairs or something? Sorry I probably shouldn’t have come up here. I was just so tired after work and I wanted to look at the mural once again and..well I sort of fell asleep.” She catches her bottom lip with her top teeth.

“No, please don’t. It’s just I….” The tremor is back in his hands now, his chest constricting.

“Why…why don’t you have a smoke….I mean if that would help?”

Gratefully, he smiles at her. This time it takes five attempts to roll anything remotely smokeable and this one’s even fatter than the carrot. He lights up next to the window, which he opens and blows the smoke out into the summer’s evening.

She’s trying not to gape at his body. She had seen his torso once before and it nearly floored her then. Lit by summer’s hazy dusk, she muses that he simply couldn’t look more beautiful or disarming. His pull is such that she sits up and disentangles herself from the covers. The disparity in their states of dress concerns her; for what if it were making him feel more uncomfortable? She turns her head away, averting her eyes respectfully.

“Ummm Mae……I got your poem.”

Palpable silence ensues. Neither sure what the other is thinking, both nervous and fearful of what is to come.

“I…you see…..It…..it were beautiful.” He trails off, questioning whether his interpretation is completely off key in light of the way her eyes are cast to the floor.

Yet small images keep reasserting themselves in his mind; the way she danced with him in the club, the kisses she initiated, how she clung to him when she aired the issue of going to the Police, how she said she missed him, how she called him a dickhead.

“It were beautiful.” He reiterates but far more softly. “It’s just…you know I’m no good with words and that I think I understood it but I..” His voice breaks a little.

In an instant, she is standing beside him, looping her fingers between his, taking short shallow breaths. The slight tremor in her hand helps him understand that she too is nervous, uncertain.

“Ok. Finn. It’s about….You see I wanted to tell you….I mean you painted that wonderful …” She gestures at the back wall, shaking properly now. “And I….it was my….poetry is my art. It was my vision of the unfinished section of your….your story.”

Their fingers, moist with fear and sweat, slip apart and that’s when he knows he would never want to let her go. He wraps his arms around her and holds her in the only way he knows how: pressed closely to him, his hand in her hair, rocking their bodies as one. The scent of her hair intoxicates him, the feel of her safe in his arms is almost unbearably overwhelming and his carefully constructed barriers come crashing down with tremendous force as huge sobs wrack his body. Her soft hand rubs his back soothingly, she mutters sweet nonsense in his ears and places her lips on his temple calmingly. Its the sweet delight of her song that finally stills his body; he thinks he could listen to her for hours and never want to move.

Finally, she pulls back and their eyes meet, his puffy and brooding and absolutely vulnerable, and hers full of compassion and an emotion he has yet to fully read in her. Unwittingly, his teeth toy with his bottom lip, as his hand strokes her hair, eyes never leaving hers. Her lips are slightly parted and he recognises that she too has completely dropped her guard.

Hesitantly at first, he leans forward and places a kiss on her lips. Immediately followed by another, and then a third. And that’s when he breaks, for he has to know, to understand. So this time he catches her bottom lip between his, pulling ever so gently. Her fingers press a little harder into his flesh.

He pulls her top lip between his and sucks on it. The softest of moans escapes her mouth and so he continues with a little more confidence. Placing moist warm kisses along the length of her mouth, nipping slightly as he goes. They kiss again, lips pressing firmly, then pulling and sliding over each other.

Eventually, he steps back to gaze upon her. Her lips form a beautiful pout, her cheeks slightly flushed, her slightly dazed eyes tracing the patterns up and around his arms. Instinctively, he understands what she desires. And reminiscent of the time he was burnt months ago, he grants his permission, because more than anything else right now, he wants her to.

“You can touch them if you want.”

Tentatively, she reaches her fingers out and begins at the wrist of his right arm. He watches her pretty face, the lines around her eyes scrunching in concentration as she traces the patterns on his arm. She pauses momentarily on his bicep and then takes him completely by surprise by replacing her fingers with her lips. Her other hand now running up his left arm.

She kisses all the way up his arm to his shoulder. Then along the collarbone and into the sensitive hollow at the bottom of his neck. As her lips work up the side of his neck, a shiver runs through him and his head rolls back slightly. By the time her lips find his again, there is no holding back.

His tongue moistens her lips, parting them softly and deftly. As he presses his lips hard against hers, his tongue then slips into her mouth, exploring its sweet warmth. One hand tangles in her hair, the other supports her lower back, her hands on his shoulders. The kiss heats with searing intensity and months of pent up longing and hurt pour out.

She moans breathlessly into the kiss, but doesn’t desist and somehow his hand slips to her bottom. Unexpectedly, she presses herself against him. That’s the moment when he loses it completely, and pulls them onto the bed, so that they are facing each other on their sides. He has no idea what he’s doing when he runs his tongue between his own lips, then bites his bottom lip hard as she places a hand on his chest, fingers splayed, stroking his skin. A groan escapes his lips and his hips press forward.

It hits him so hard that he near jumps back from her touch, leaving her bewildered. As much as he yearns to physically demonstrate the depth of his feelings, the act itself still scares him. It has damaged him in the past and he knows that he’d got it so wrong. And this time it is far too important. There is too much at stake.

“Finn?” Her brow furrows, her eyes moist.

It will only be some days later when he will come to take pride in facing up to the unspoken demons, giving them a name, preventing them from their mischief and dischord.

“Mae.” His voice is gruff. “I want you and I really, really need you. But you and I girl - we have a trainload of shit and hang-ups between us……”

His hand starts to caress her cheek. “But we’ve got all the time in the world to get it right. We’ve got shed loads of talking to do when the time comes. There’s no need to rush anything. Just enjoy each other…I mean if that’s what you want to do…..But I need you to understand now that I’m not ready to….”

A soft, wry smile plays on her lips as she assesses his bewitching eyes, the constellations of his freckles, his plump lips and messy hair. It becomes a grin.

“I….you know I meant everything I wrote in the poem….it…it’s meant about you and me Finn.” She observes a his eyes turn a deeper shade of brown as he shyly bites his lip. “And that’s all damn fine with me. You know I’m not ready either but I wouldn’t say no to another kiss.”

She looks so shy and innocent in that moment that he’s not really sure that he should be kissing her in just his boxers. But the pouting jut of her lips reassures him that it’s okay. He wriggles a little closer and seeks permission with his eyes.  

It starts gently and teasingly slow, respectful and cautious in light of their words. Only too soon, the intensity deepens as the fire begins to rage. Rae would realise later that there was never a fire to rekindle because it had never gone out, its embers burning quietly for the duration of their separation.

All of a sudden, he pulls her hard against him, needing to feel her as close as possible. Her hands run up and down his back and onto his bottom, a choked cry emanating from his mouth. His ingrained response is so powerful that he rolls straight onto her, something he believes that perhaps he shouldn’t. Yet she starts to sink her teeth into his lower lip and her hands slide up his sensitive sides. He observes a blush spreading down her neck and his lips follow its path, gently sucking and nibbling down past her collarbones and onto the soft skin at the top of her chest.

He hits a ridiculously sensitive spot and she arches in pleasure underneath him. He’s only too aware that she will be able to feel exactly what has happened underneath his boxers. His eyes blow wide open as she repeats her arching and he has to stop for a second to gather his wits. He pulls his upper body back, resting on his strong arms.

“You like that, don’t you?”

She plays a little coy in her response and simply bites her bottom lip and raises her eyebrows.  

“Ok….This stays as just a kiss but if you ever get uncomfortable or you don’t like it - you have to promise you will tell me immediately.” He warns, voice calm and controlled.

His nerve is bolstered as she nods, smiling. He resumes kissing her mouth with revived fervour. Little time is wasted in discovering their own rhythm, their own dance. He runs a hand down her side and up her inner arm, finding her cheek again. Her hands once more trace patterns on his arms. His breath starts to catch in his throat and he starts to roll his pelvis against hers, causing her to moan exquisitely, bending a leg up.

They end up rolling back onto their sides, no concept of the duration of their devotion when they hear the front door slam and Chop’s inimitable tones.

“I’ll be buggered if I can find them Izz. Perhaps Rae is at Chlo’s? Finny’s probably being a twat and got bladdered in London or something. They fucking need to get their acts together or I’m gonna have to knock their heads together.”

“Chop! Shut up. You’re just hungry. I’m going to chuck a pizza on. Do you want garlic bread as well?”

Rae looks at Finn and starts to giggle. He sniggers and then rolls over, managing to flick on the stereo by half hanging out of the bed. As anticipated, there is shortly banging on the door.

“Finny, you in there or are you asleep?”

“What do you think Chop?” Finn grumbles, trying to suppress a laugh.

“Oh. Do you want some tea? Izz is cooking pizza. I could bring some up and a bottle of beer if that would help, yeah?”

“Humm” Finn looks at Rae and she nods. “Tell Izz that would be great. We’d love some pizza and a couple of beers.”

“Right…good on you.” They hear the sound of Chop walking towards the stairs before the footsteps double back and return.

The door opens a little. “Did you say we?”

Rae can’t contain herself any longer and bursts into fits of giggles.

Chop pushes the door wide open and his jaw drops as he catches sight of Finn’s naked torso sitting up in the bed.

“Oh my god.”

Rae slowly uncovers herself, revealing her work uniform and raises her eyebrows at Chop.

“What’s he doing in his just his kecks then?”

“Fuck off Chop! Seriously.”

“May I?” Rae picks up Finn’s towel. “It was a long shift.”

He nods and Rae disappears to the bathroom, leaving the boys to talk.

Finn pulls on a shirt and some jeans before going outside with Chop. He knows Rae and he can’t hide from what is happening, but right now public scrutiny is the last thing that they need.

“So mate. What’s the deal with Raemundo?”

“I adore her Chop. She gets to me - to every part of me. It’s like the sun shines a bit brighter, the rains a bit wetter and the wind blows that bit harder when she’s around.”

“Fucking hell you’ve got it bad! You alright though? I mean….”

Finn sighs. “We’ve a lot of talking still to do - a lot. It’s going to take time to unpick our baggage and that.” He shrugs. “But I think it’s going to be worth all the pain.”

“You love her don’t you? I mean proper like?”

Finn nods, a crooked smile on his face.

“Good on you. You know all of us will support you and Mae, I mean Rae. But you have to tell us how we can help right? I said it before and I’ll say it again. It’s not going to be easy. There’s a lot of changes coming up - what with art school, Raemundo’s got work stuff to sort through and…..”

“She’s going to the Police Chop.”

“Fuck. She’s one brave girl.”

Finn swallows thickly.

*********************************  
The four friends sat around the sparkling clean table eating pizza, garlic bread and crisps followed by ice-cream. Izzy had chortled that it was one of the most unhealthy meals she’d ever eaten but nobody really minded. Beer bottles were chinked, toasts made and jokes told.The house once again resounded with the laughter of friendship and love.

They threw open the french windows and danced around the chairs and into the garden and back in a conga line. They threw Izzy’s new cushions at one another. Chop retrieved the fairy lights from the garden shed and hung the in the lounge for no good reason other than to make the girls happy. Rae gave Izzy a piggy back around the garden while Finn smoked and Chop retrieved another round of beers.

All of a sudden it grew dark and Rae looked at her watch in horror, stopping on the spot.

“Shitty, shitty shit. Can I use your phone Izz? Better call a cab.”

“Course you can. You don’t need to ask.” Izzy responded

She walked through the lounge when she became aware of another figure behind her.

“M…Mae…”

She turned to face him. His eyes, having lost their earlier sparkle, looked tired and his jaw set in an uncomfortable line.

“You don’t need to walk me Finn. It’s late and you looked absolutely creamed.”

“Mae.” His fingers found hers. “Stay?”

She knew in that instant, this wasn’t an simply invitation to spend a night. This represented something of far more significance.

“You sure Finn? Chloe’s spare room is more than adequate.”

He sighed and then berated himself. He was the one who had been insistent on talking and here he was clamming up. There was still much work to be done.

“I want you to. I need you too. I want to see you last thing before I go to sleep tonight and first thing when I wake tomorrow morning. I’m not stupid Mae. It’s going to be fuckin’ difficult at times because they aren’t all going to be rosey and happy ones. We are going to fight and fall out at times as well as laugh and cry…..and kiss of course. But it’s you Mae. It always has been and it always will be…….and I want to try.”

She ran to him flinging her arms around him as the tears softly fell. He rocked her in his arms and she closed her eyes, breathing in his musk; the scent of home.

“I love you Finn.”

His lips found hers, placing a succession of chaste kisses against them. He didn’t need to respond in kind because she already knew.

They curled up in bed emotionally drained and for once it was Finn who was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, lying in his girl’s arms.  
Rae stayed awake a little longer. The path ahead was full of twists and turns and she was only too aware of the obstacles ahead. But on this one night, she let all her worries float away like balloons into the sky, feeling settled and secure in his arms. Tomorrow would bring what it would bring and they would be trying. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last my dears, I have finished this part with huge thanks to the very friendly, kind and patient how-ardently (as you noted my dear you are credited within the story itself!)
> 
> Now this is a little verbose at over 25000 words so you may need a cup of tea, some biscuits or an ice-cream to keep you company.
> 
> There are Trigger Warnings - just references to past events - abusive relationships etc. 
> 
> And there is another huge Blanche Dubois Warning - for Smut. There is actually smut here……

Rolling onto her side, she can’t help but smile as she feels the comforting weight of his arm draped loosely around her waist. Before she opens her eyes, she indulges herself in the sensory pleasure of inhaling his musk, which evokes so much: happiness, safety and security, but also an inherent yearning.

Without realising it, her hand has splayed out on his chest and grasped the pale grey fabric of his top. She moves a little closer and finally opens her eyes. Although this is the third morning of waking next to Finn, Rae believes that she could never drink in enough of this breathtaking view. His full lips are slightly parted, his eyelashes dark and thick, his hair a tousled mess.

Carefully, she stretches her fingers towards his face. Braver than she has ever been, she allows her fingers to brush against his skin, trailing over his freckled cheek. She marvels at his ethereal beauty, musing that his image could be likened to that of gods of old. A little of his magnificent chest is on display thanks to the open buttons of the henley he likes to wear in bed.

She denies the cautious voice in her head creedence, and permits her fingers to graze the  exposed skin from the hollow at the the bottom of his neck down to the shirt. He twitches  slightly, rolling his head languidly into the pillow. Her hand returns to his cheek, feeling the contrast between the soft skin of his face and the rough stubble along his jawline.

A drowsy moan escapes his lips, as he smooshes his faces into the pillow and stretches a little before pulling her close to him. He wriggles his hips forward until she can feel him pressed against her in all his glory. This time he emits a contented noise, one which she considers is part way between a groan and the sound she makes when eating something delicious.

Finally, he opens his eyes and for a couple of seconds he appears lost, confused even. But he breaks into a lazy grin and then bites his lip shyly. “Morning girl.” He whispers gruffly.

“Morning you.” She bops him on the nose and looks into his deep brown eyes, somehow discerning that he has something further to say.

“I….err…..seeing your face when I wake up….God you’re beautiful Mae. And it makes me….I just feel happy.” He stutters slightly.

“Feeling’s mutual. I could never tire of finding you in bed with me.” She replies, then blushes at the unintended innuendo in her statement.

“Oh, so it’s like that is it Mae?” He tilts her chin to ensure he has her gaze, before leaning forward and placing his lips gently upon hers in a succession of small kisses. “Come here girl, reckon we’ve got about half an hour before either of us needs to make a dash for work.” Taking her firmly in her arms, his eyelids flutter closed again as she snuggles against his chest, bathing in the warmth of his body.

Unlike Finn, she knows if she dozes off now, she will be completely incapable of getting out of bed and to the hotel on time. So she simply closes her eyes and her mind wanders back over the last couple of days.

********************************  
The first night they had spent together since her return had been followed by a long, lazy morning in bed. Finn had been contending with the hangover from the final uphill slog of completing his Art College submission. The dark bruised circles under his eyes and his pallor had evidenced his physical exhaustion. She had naturally insisted that he stay in bed to recuperate while she fetched breakfast.

But he had been unable to settle without her comforting presence. She had returned with two cups of tea, having chatted at length with Izzy, to find him sat up in bed blinking furiously, fighting the stupor of tiredness.

“Mae. Oh Mae.” He had croaked.

“What is it Finn?” Her tone was replete with concern, as she had perched on the edge of the bed. He had remained mute, which had worried her. Though she considered breaking the silence with some meaningless, jovial pleasantries, she had abstained, aware that they are both still finding a way to acknowledge and make senses of their feelings as well as navigating a path to communicate each other.

“I…err, you’ve brought tea.” He had stuttered, eyebrows knitted and deliberately not meeting her gaze.

“That’s why I went downstairs.” She had smiled at his unseeing eyes. Yet he had furrowed his brow and she had instinctively known what to do, sliding back under the covers and embracing him. “It’s alright Finn, it’s okay.” She had murmured soothingly into his hair. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. It’s okay.”

She had felt the tension ebb and flow through his body in a series of waves, viscerally comprehending just what an impact her absence had had on him. He had physically carried the pain of separation with him such that it had almost become part of him. Only too aware of his body’s need for sleep, she had surprised him by trying to alleviate the tension carried by his broad shoulders. Her thumbs had pressed into a particularly troublesome and persistent knot through his t-shirt, causing him to groan, fingers grasping the pillow.

It hadn’t been long before she had placed the Stone Roses’ eponymous album onto the turntable and resumed her massage, working all the muscles down his back. On reaching his lower spine, she had placed her hands under his t-shirt, sliding them up his smooth skin towards his shoulders and back down. He had groaned again, causing her concern that he might have been in serious pain. With a shiver, she recalls how, in one swift movement, he had pulled her into his arms and rolled her onto her back underneath him.

Slowly and deliberately, he had placed a single kiss on her lips and met her gaze, his eyes luminous and dark before embarking on a fervent kiss, alight with slow-burning passion. His lips had trailed their way down her neck, onto her collarbones and across her chest while his hands had roamed over her body. She recalls the exquisite feeling of the drag of moist lips on her skin, how her back had arched and how she had inadvertently moaned in response. His hand had slithered under her top and grazed the underside of her breast before he’d hurriedly withdrawn it and rolled off her.

She can’t deny that she had been a little shocked and unsure as to what had happened and why. His stammered apologies had made little sense at first, until having drunk a little tea, he’d confessed to forgetting himself a little and being afraid of pushing her too far, too quickly. This admission had been the first sign of things to come, of his reaction to that new dimension of their relationship. She had not been overly concerned, for it was something they had touched upon the previous evening in coming to their agreement that neither was ready for full intimacy.

They had naturally fallen back into an embrace. Stroking his hair, she had felt his racing heart slow and his breath steady. It hadn’t been long before he had once again been carried away in sleep’s long arms. She had been only too quick to follow suit, to wake a couple of hours later to find Finn dreamily gazing upon her, his finger brushing patterns on her arm. They had only left the sanctuary of his room for him to make them lunch and to enjoy a cigarette or two in the garden.

The following day had heralded no significant change with him tending to her every need including those that really weren’t necessary. Whilst they had shared a number of heated kisses, he had been careful to keep the temperature beneath a certain internal threshold. It seemed every time they had got close to the point of shedding clothes, he had falteringly backed away, changed the subject, made them a cup of tea or played some other mild avoidance tactic.

She muses as to the extent of his doubt and conscience. What exactly was at the root of his behaviour when, in his current semi-conscious state, she was very much aware of the morning glory he had woken with? On the one level, it seems that he wants her, yet on another it appears he either cannot admit and acknowledge it. She shakes her head, as if trying to rid herself of the troublesome thoughts and decides she must get ready for her shift in the hotel kitchens.

**************************************************  
Things finally came to a head that evening in The Seven Bells. Rae had worked a difficult back to back shift, clearing up after breakfast, lunch and dinner. She lost count of how many times she stacked the dishwasher, how many pans she scoured, how many glasses and plates she had dried and returned to their crates. There had barely been time to gobble down a sandwich and gulp her tea, for the restaurant had been unseasonally busy.

She had been looking forward to the evening; to the company and laughter of friends, sharing a beer or three with him in the full knowledge of there being no such early start the following morning. Finn had been tattooing at S&N’s all day, attempting to clear some of the backlog that had built up while he had been down in London, and was due to meet her at the pub.

As she had finished slightly earlier than Jim, who had to handover to the evening team, she had decided it reasonable to walk the 10 minutes to the pub alone. It was still light, there were plenty of people around and she had her new mobile in her pocket. The warm evening sun was on her face, the breeze played with her hair and she inhaled the soft scent of summer and smiled.

She pushed the pub door open to find it’s dark dingy interior nearly empty. The stale smell of beer and tobacco hit her and she became slightly ill at ease not being able to instantly locate her friends. Ordering a pint at the bar, she re-surveyed the pub, but other than a group of office workers in one corner and a couple of old boys in another, it was empty. She lingered at the bar sipping her pint, considering her course of action when a man joined her. It was one of the “suits.”

“You here on your own, love?” He asked in a slightly jovial,  unchallenging and friendly manner.

She eyed him a little suspiciously and could not instantly find the right words to respond.

“It’s alright. I don’t bite. Just wondered if you wanted a bit of company that’s all.” He smiled at her and ordered his round of drinks.

“I…I’m meeting my mates thanks.” She mumbled into her drink, unable to make eye contact. “Like that is it?” He responded, throwing her a questioning glance. “At least join us for one while you wait for your friends.”

“What you doing, Mae? We’re all outside, you numpty. Where’s Jim?” She felt Finn’s arm drape around her, steering her away a little possessively. She wriggled from under it.

“Sorry, I didn’t know there was a garden Finn. I’ve only ever been here once before.” Her hackles were already raised. “Jim’s caught up at work. He’ll be here soon.”

“You…you mean you walked over by yourself. At night?” He shook his head and inhaled deeply as she followed outside. As she made her way to join their friends at the table in the far end of the garden, he hung back, lighting a cigarette. She greeted her friends warmly in the fading sunlight, embracing Chloe and Izzy generously before sitting down and taking a lengthy slug of beer.

“Steady on Rae, it’s only 8 o’clock. We’ve several hours of drinking time ahead.” Izzy giggled.

“Yeah, and some of us don’t have to go to work tomorrow! Fancy going dancing?” Chloe asked. Rae considered her options; she had already planned to visit her mother’s the following day to retrieve more of her belongings, as well as attending her scheduled appointment with Kester. She glanced up to see Mike’s arm draped around Chloe as he planted kisses on her cheeks.

“Oi missy…some of us have to work tomorrow.” Mike said playfully. “And you know damn well I need a steady hand so we need to take it easy on the beers.” He winked at Chop.

“Too bloody right ladies. Can’t end up inking someone with Maggie Thatcher when they asked for Marilyn Monroe.”

“Chop….what the fuck? How could anyone….” Archie looked perplexed.

“Just saying.” Chop smirked at his own joke. “Anyways, the fuck have you done with Finny- boy, Raemundo?”

“Dunno.” She scrunched up her face. She could just make out his form lighting yet another cigarette, leaning against the back wall of the pub. She exhaled a little dramatically and rolled her eyes. “Think he’s a bit peeved as I walked here from the hotel by myself. Honestly!”

Archie caught Mike’s eye, sharing his expression of concern. “Jim not come with you?”

“Nah, he’ll be here soon though.” Rae smiled at Archie.

“Umm Rae….have you thought that perhaps that wasn’t the most sensible thing…” Archie trailed off realising just how far he had put his head over the parapet, as Rae frowned disconcertingly at him.

“But I….it’s.” She paused, to observe Mike walking across the garden and approaching Finn. “I’ve got to live my life. I have to move on.” She justified herself. Nonetheless, it seemed that her earlier flush of confidence had evaporated into the warm evening air.

“Right more drinks people?” Chop’s tone was overly cheerful and unsubtle.

Chop returned from the bar with Finn, Mike, Jim and a large tray of drinks. Finn straddled the bench next to Rae, throwing an arm casually around her shoulders and kissing her cheek. Conversation quickly turned to plans for the weekend. Chloe was keen to plan a big group night out at the club, as Chop and Izzy would soon be away and Jim often worked weekends, making arrangements complex. The topic then naturally moved onto holidays and who was planning what, for how long and where.

The drinks carried on flowing for an indeterminate period of time.Rae had no idea how much she’d drunk, but could tell from her fuzzy vision and muted tones that it had been a fair bit. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Finn was indulging in his guilty ritual once again, blowing the smoke out in a smooth train. She swivelled slightly, transfixed by the movements of his lips; how they parted soft and full to allow the white tip in, the near pout as he inhaled the smoke and then slight purse as he exhaled again.

As soon as he had stubbed the end out and sipped his beer, she couldn’t resist and placed her lips resolutely against his. Soon his hand was at the back of her neck , fingers in her hair, lips kissing her with undeniable devotion. She leant into him, her bust pushing against his chest reciprocating each and every flicker of his tongue. Unthinkingly, her hand slipped under the back of his shirt and found his slightly damp skin, caressing it tenderly. Almost as suddenly as it had begun, their embrace ended as Finn pulled back, slight shock in his eyes.

Her brow furrowed as he looked away into the distance, contemplating this unforeseen reaction in the temporary silence, afforded by the group observing them all a little open-mouthed. Chop quickly, and rather too loudly, announced a drinking game and the babble of voices resumed as if it had never ceased.

“Finn?” Her voice was weak, verging on  timid. “Finn?” Her hand found his giving it a light squeeze. But he remained unreachable, embroiled in his own inner world.

Perturbed, she picked up her glass, chugging back the best part of half a pint. As she put her glass down, the familiar smell of tobacco wafted over. Excusing herself to buy a round of drinks, she was relieved to get away from the table, from the bewildering atmosphere. The pub had filled up in the last hour and there was quite a queue. She sighed and tapped her fingers rhythmically against the bar.

“Not going to make the wait any shorter.” The suit from earlier grinned at her.

She raised her eyebrows. “And? What’s it you?” Challenge was clear in her tone.

“Christ, you’re a feisty one aren’t you? Couldn’t convince you to join us?” He smirked.

Her top lip curled in distaste. Then she shook her head, a slightly false smile on her lips. As if on cue, she heard Finn’s voice brimming with bitter venom. “Will you leave my girl the fuck alone?”

“Hey.” The suit held his hands up. “Just making friendly conversation. As far as I know that’s not a crime.”

“Like hell were you just making friendly conversation.” Finn snarled, his body tense, his fists balled.

“Easy, easy Finny.” Mike placed his hand on Finn’s shoulders. Rae frowned at the sight, not fathoming the exact semantics of the interaction, but fearful of what could have happened in light of the climate between them.

Drinking resumed back in the garden with Finn a little sullen and quiet. He and Mike had spent some time ostensibly ordering drinks and food, leaving Rae free to return to the others. Although things felt a little strained to start with, by the time the food actually arrived, the earlier conviviality had returned. And Rae was mollified.

It was Chop who lobbed the first Chip at Finn, who, in turn, retaliated near instantly. It descended into an all-out food fight within a matter of seconds, the friends laughing and squealing and shouting in jest. Chloe was grateful there were no ketchup bottles on the table, otherwise her pale dress might have been ruined.

As the night drew on and cooler air started to circulate, Rae snuggled against Finn, who instinctively dropped a kiss on her hair. Seemingly endless rounds of drinks and crisps arrived and the friends ended up being much the worse for wear. Archie was leaning so heavily on Jim that Rae suspected he might actually fall over without support. Izzy was looking a little cross-eyed and had her head in Chop’s lap. Mike had long since moved onto water and Chloe was slurring her words.

“I need another one.” Rae stood up swaying and hiccupped loudly.

“You sure Rae….think we’ve all killed it tonight?” Archie asked, pushing his glasses lopsidedly back onto his nose.

“Most definitely. I need more beer, more beer…” She sang in a familiar chant stumbling over her own feet.

Finn abruptly appeared in front of her, steadying her. “Come on Mae, time to head for home, you don’t need anymore, or I’ll have to carry you.”

Even with the benefit of hindsight, Rae would not be able to pinpoint exactly what made her snap so acidly and so rapidly.

“What the bloody hell has got into you tonight Finn? First you push me away when we were kissing, then you get shirty when I was talking to someone at the bar and now you tell me I can’t have another drink. You’re no bloody fun. I can damn well look after myself thank you very much.” She planted her hands firmly on her hips.

“Umm….we should  probably get you home now. I’ll call a cab. You’re pissed Rae.” Finn mumbled  towards his shoes.

“Bollocks to that Finn. I’m not going anywhere with you. You. Are. Not. My. Mum. If I want to stay out drinking I bloody well will.” She sniped.

“Raemundo, Raemundo. Think we’re all calling it a night. Izzy’s going to vom if she drinks anymore. And some of us are supposed to be working tomorrow.” Chop’s tone was calm and conciliatory.

“Yeah, I am knackered. Come on Rae, it’s been a bloody long day.” Jim chimed in with a smile, trying to get Archie onto his feet without much success.

Finn slipped an arm around her shoulders and tried to gently steer her towards the exit but she threw it off in a fit of pique and alcohol induced melodrama. “You’re just no fun Nelson. No fucking fun tonight. I am going to carry on regardless.” She slurred.

“No Rae, I can’t let you do that.” Finn tried to remain calm but a distinct waiver was evident in his voice, along with a tremor in his hands.

“When will you get it? You’re not my fucking keeper.”  Her tone highlighted that she was seething. But then she winced at her own words and chastised herself during his sombre response.

“Do’you know what Rae? Be my guest. I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry I’ve been acting like a prick. I’m sorry that I care about you.” Finn’s voice cracked and finally broke at the end of his words. Chop threw his spare arm around him and walked him towards the gate.

“Come on Rae, you’d better come back with us.” Chloe looped an arm through Rae’s and lead her quietly towards the taxi rank.

Rae was still simmering as the trio sat in the cab. “I don’t get it. Why does he think he can tell me what to do? Why does he reckon he’s got a right to….”

“Petal, please stop. Please. We’ve all had more than a skinfull tonight.” Mike’s apparently collected words belied his apparent state only 15 minutes ago. “I understand Finn may have appeared a touch possessive at the bar and that it annoyed you that he didn’t want you drinking anymore. But he was only behaving like that because he cares about you. A hell of a lot.”

“I have a mind of my own. He doesn’t own me. I mean what’s the worst that….” Rae railed against Mike’s words but paused. For the thought that entered her mind was significantly sobering and terrifying. “Oh fuck…. fuckity fuck. Why did I not….why does he have act like such a knob when….why couldn’t I have realised?”

Rae broke down in tears on Chloe’s shoulder. “I’m such a bitch. It’s just he’s been so over-protective. It feels like he’s been treating me like a child and I just wanted to…..oh shit.” Her head dropped into her hands as she sobbed, berating herself and feeling foolish.

“It’s okay, it’s okay babes. He adores you and was just looking out for you. Also, I think perhaps Finn just needs to get used to the idea that you’re not going away again.” Chloe tried her best to soothe and calm Rae, who was working herself up into an increasingly agitated state.

“I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.” She wailed, the alcohol very much still coursing through her veins. “If he adores me like you say he does, why did he push me away when we were kissing? It just doesn’t make sense.”

Chloe looked desperately at Mike, for she was as unsure of this matter as Rae and sufficiently intoxicated not to be able to think on her feet.

“Umm, err petal. Finn… he….Things are just a little more complicated with Finn than err…than with other men. It’s just that he….he’s been through a hell of a lot of stuff of his own. It’s not just Laura and the way she used him and destroyed his confidence. You remember our conversation in the club Rae?” She nodded wearily. “Well these things take time. They won’t just change overnight .”

Mike took her hand in his, his other arm slung around Chloe’s shoulders. “It’s going to be alright petal.”

Mike had struggled into Chloe’s flat, supporting both girls who were tired as well as drunk. He insisted that they both drink a glass of water before they headed off to bed. He stayed in the kitchen, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, considering whether he should call Finn, or at least Chop, to appease his conscience. He had intentionally bitten back some of his words, estimating that Rae was in no fit state to hear them, and that he would not be able to deal with the potential consequences.

************************  
Rae groaned and rolled over, dismayed to find the bed empty. She tried in vain to swallow back the tears as the memories of her words and her confrontation with Finn flooded her mind. Waves of shame, humiliation and despair crashed over her, as she pressed her face into the pillow to stifle her sobs.

Head throbbing and vision still hazy, she made her way through to the bathroom after changing into clean clothes. (She and Finn had been so deeply immersed in their own world, that she had never collected the majority of her belongings from Chloe’s spare room or her mum’s, surviving off shirts borrowed from Finn.)

It was only when she got off the toilet that she discovered one of the reasons for her overly emotional reactions. She had stopped taking the pill when she was in Tunisia on the premise of no longer needing it, and hadn’t really thought about her body being off kilter. However, it seemed that her body had now returned to full working order when she had least expected it. She rummaged in the bathroom cabinet and finally located the supplies she needed.

She trudged through to the kitchen to find Chloe, grimacing over a cup of coffee and, bemoaning her excessive consumption of wine. Rae had broken down yet again, castigating her words and actions and reiterating her confusion over Finn’s conduct. Part of her still prickled at his seemingly overzealous protection of her. Yet another part was thoroughly disgusted at her reaction to the man she loved. She was still struggling to make sense of the situation, when Mike wandered in, showered and dressed for work.

He commented on how the pair looked worse for wear and kissed Chloe tenderly on the cheek, wrapping his arms gently around her. Chloe exclaimed that she was never going to drink again and tried to blame the pub’s cheap white wine for her sorry state. She hugged Rae tightly and made her excuses, before traipsing back to bed.

“Mike.” Rae said in a low voice, trying to control her emotions. “I’ve really fucked up haven’t I? I mean, I shouldn’t have spoken to Finn like that. I love him for Christ’s sake. It was just he was being so …so possessive and I….this is such a fucking mess.”

Mike started off being mindful of the tightrope he walking, choosing his words with caution. Knowing them both as he did, he found it increasingly difficult to maintain his composure and repeatedly suggested that she talk things through with Finn, rather than offering his advice. But finally, hoping he was doing the right thing by both of them, he conceded to air some of the memories that had troubled him for months.

“Oh Rae. You know that day when we ….when we all came to find you?” She nodded solemnly in response.

“Finn had said you’d visited him. And I can’t talk for him but I…I was scared and confused. We had no idea where you were and what might have happened. And when Finn said you were in a bad way, I was frightened. Really frightened. We just wanted to find you and makes sure you were okay, that you were safe. But not being able to was beyond feeling powerless Rae, it was horrific. I know you had your reasons and you don’t need to tell me them. But I want you to understand what it was like for us. This isn’t about trying to make you feel guilty petal. I just think it might help you to know.

That day we finally located you, we didn’t know what we would find. From what little Finn had actually told us, I surmised that Liam had….that he was a nasty piece of work. And that place, that flat - it was cold and damp and quiet. That’s what really struck the fear of god into me Rae. It was so quiet. I thought you might be….he could have killed you.” His voice trailed into a near whisper as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

“And when I found you….I’m sorry I was so useless, such a mess. But I was just a mass of emotions - I was so angry at Liam, I was worried about you. I was panicked at not being able to calm you, to get through to you. And I was petrified for you, distraught at what might have happened. I felt like we’d all let you down. But Finn, somehow, he managed to keep himself calm and found the strength to suppress everything so he could help you. Even when he was under the utmost pressure, he didn’t crack, he gave everything he had to make sure you were safe, to help you.

And I know he was acting the caveman last night, but please try not to be too hard on him. He thinks the world of you and….” Mike looked up to see the ends of Rae’s black hair trailing behind her.

His head sunk into his hands and he cursed his own frankness and honesty, wondering what on earth had brought him to interfere in such a manner. As far as he could understand, the situation was fraught with so much emotion and pain that it would be exceedingly difficult to navigate, without the complicating lack of self confidence on both Finn and Rae’s sides. Yet he found courage in his conviction that if they would only talk properly and soul-searchingly openly, then they had more than a fighting chance.

He startled as Rae spoke. “Would you please give me a lift to S&N’s? There’s someone I owe an apology to.”

A warm smile crossed his lips, then his brow furrowed. “Thought you were going to your mum’s today?”

“I am. But there’s time before the bus goes and this is extremely important. Kester’ll wait if needs be.” Her lips were pursed in determination.

“Kester?” The name rang a bell but in the turmoil of the morning’s confessions, Mike could not place it.

“Therapy session. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s important I attend. But not until I’ve spoken to Finn. And Mike, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry I put you through everything. There aren’t any excuses or…I suppose I never really understood properly from your perspective, or Finn’s. I’ve been so wrapped up in getting my own life back on track, pretty selfish of me.”

“Don’t be daft petal. There’s nothing to apologise to me for. But you need to set the record straight with Finn. You need to let him in.” He hugged her gently and they shared a smile.

******************************************  
Rae followed Mike in through the back door of S&N’s, unable to subdue visions of the only other time when she had used that particular entrance. However, instead of letting them overwhelm her, she simply acknowledged them and swallowed back the bitter taste in her mouth. She knocked softly on the door to Finn’s studio and was greeted by a grunt followed by: “The fuck do you want Chop? I’m getting set up.”

“Umm, Finn it’s me.” She opened the door to find him squatting down on the floor looking through some boxes in a low cupboard.

“Oh.” His voice sounded rough. His head dropped a little and she could just glimpse him biting down on the side of his mouth.

She composed herself, debating how to earth to begin her apology. But it seemed Finn had the same idea, as his “sorry” near coincided with her “I’m sorry.” A wry smile broke across his face as she unintentionally loosed a small laugh. Putting his hands on the floor, he balanced himself before getting to his feet and stretching out his back.

“What I said Finn, it was mean and unforgivable. I know you were just trying to protect me. After everything that’s happened, I should have thought…”

“Nah, I was being a dick. I don’t own you Mae.” He mumbled but met her eyes.

“I acted like a child. Like a spoilt brat. I just, I don’t know Finn. I want my freedom back. I don’t want to feel like he’s taken…..I feel like I’ll never be the same. And I know it’s not an excuse but I was pissed as a newt. I don’t know what came over me.”

A tear ran down her cheek but he maintained a respectful distance, identifying that words were crucial at this juncture. “I’d had a skinful too. I shouldn’t have acted like that about the bloke in the bar. I was just worried. I can’t help it.”

Her voice descended to the quietest pitch, “I suppose I was cross. I didn’t understand why you….why you pushed me back when we were kissing.” There. She’d said it now. She bit her lip and glanced around the studio, nostrils twitching as tears pricked her eyes.

Ever so gently, her tucked some stray strands of hair behind her left ear, then cupped her cheek. “Fuck Mae, I…. there’s stuff we need to talk about. You know, about that sort of thing. It’s not that I don’t want you, because I fancy the pants off you. You know what you do to me, don’t you? It’s just …look I was being an idiot. I…I suppose I were nervous.”

She met his gaze, finding his eyes slightly alight but full of the vulnerability he always carried. A small smile crossed her lips. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m the dickhead Finn.” She bopped him softly on the nose with her forefinger.

“Nah, Mae. I am the king dickhead.” He mirrored her gesture and then chuckled. Then a frown beset his features as she grimaced. “What’s up? You ok?”

“I’m fine.” She responded quickly. But he raised his eyebrows. “I’m fine, honestly.” She pushed her lips firmly together to try to prevent the words from spilling out.

“Mae, pull the other one. Come on, we need to talk properly or, or we’re never going to work.” He sighed. “You were clutching your stomach. Do you feel sick after last night?” He started to rub her shoulder.

She shook her head in silence and gritted her teeth before speaking. “It’s my err…I was on the pill and I stopped taking it and ….well it’s back with a vengeance.”

Finn looked baffled for a moment. “You what?” She bit her lip shyly and then it finally dawned on him. “Come here, girl.” He wrapped his arms around her, running a hand up and down her lower back. “Does it really hurt?” He asked and she nodded. “Lie on the couch then.”

She lay down on the couch and was a little shocked when he rolled her onto her front and raised her t-shirt up a little then wandered off to delve into the cupboards again. Tiredness was making it difficult for her to concentrate so she shut her eyes. Suddenly she felt his hands warm and smooth on her back. They glided so easily that she knew he had put something on her skin but couldn’t quite identify the familiar smell. The way his hands ran rhythmically over her skin and the way his thumbs pressed in at the painful cramping was blissful and she sighed contentedly, unaware of the little moans escaping her mouth. She felt him turn her head and press his lips against hers. “Better girl?”

“Ummm thanks Finn. What about your back Finn, been giving you any trouble lately?” She was keen to test the water a little but only if he was willing.

“Now you come to mention it Mae, it’s a bit stiff.” He over exaggerated the creaky posture of an arthritic, elderly man.

“Come on then you old codger, let me help you up onto the couch.” She giggled, pretending to assist Finn. Then she paused and spied the bottle of baby oil on the side and grinned to herself. Of course she knew the smell, her mother had always used it on her younger sister.

Tentatively she rolled up his t-shirt. “This ok?” He grunted in response. “Finn, when you hurt your back falling off the scooter…..it’s your lower back right?”

“Yeah. Look you don’t have to, I mean I wasn’t doing it just so you would return the favour.”

“I want to Finn.” She placed her hands on his back and ran them up and down but focussing on the small amount of easily accessible skin above the waistband of his jeans.

Suddenly he sat up. She assumed that he had had enough, or worse still that she had inadvertently crossed some sort of invisible boundary again. But he simply pulled his t-shirt forwards over his head and her breath caught in her throat. Her eyes widened as he fiddled with his belt buckle and undid his flies and then lay back down, pulling his jeans low over his hips.

“I take it you want more Finnley.” She placed a finger on his back and ran it from nape to the waistband of his shorts and observed with delight as shiver ran through him. She started with his shoulders and her hands slowly but surely worked their way down his back. His head was turned to one side, his eyes shut and his breathing slow and even. She became braver as her hands dipped lower and she let her fingers trail tantalizingly over his sensitive sides.

When she finally reached the band of his shorts she stopped, pondering her next move. He seemed in no hurry to get up, so she placed a kiss at the nape of his neck followed by another a couple of inches lower and so continued down to his shorts. This time, she bravely wiggled the waistband down a little and placed another kiss. One that caused him to gasp and wriggle.

“Oi Mae…. you’re not playing fair.” He rolled over and onto his side. “Your turn.” He hopped off the couch holding an arm out towards it.

Rae wasn’t quite sure where this little charade was going, fully aware that he had a client due. Defiantly, she layed on her back and smirked at him and then inhaled sharply as his half naked form knelt at her feet. He placed kisses over her clothes from stomach to neck and back down before grasping her topmost t-shirt in his hands and gently tugging it over her head. Her vest, however, had other ideas and rumpled up under her bust in protest at being separated from its friend.

Her hands quickly moved to cover her midriff, feeling exposed and uncertain.  The situation felt very different than when he had tattooed her.

“You’re gorgeous Mae, so fucking gorgeous.” He said stroking her hair. “Every last part of you.”

He leant down and kissed a gap between her fingers on her stomach and then worked his way back up, kissing the fabric over her breasts. Finally his lips met hers. They kissed chastely a couple of times, before his tongue traced the outline of her lips. He nipped and toyed with her bottom lip briefly, before allowing her tongue into his mouth. Their tongues danced as his hand wandered back over her breasts, sides and hips.

She felt the pangs of pleasure start to pulse through her and groaned. He dragged his moist lips down her neck and collar bones onto the exposed cleavage. She slipped the strap of her white vest top and green bra over her shoulder in invitation. His fingers pushed the fabric lower and lower. As he nibbled and sucked at the sensitive skin, her back arched and his lips emitted a guttural groan.

A loud banging on the door disturbed them momentarily before they resumed kissing, blatantly trying to ignore whoever it was. The banging continued. “Fuck off.” Finn grumbled getting to his knees and covering Rae just before the door opened.

“Bloody Hell Finny…..shagging on your couch? Really?” Chop exclaimed.

“We were not….” Finn began looking for his t-shirt. Rae blushed and put her top back on over her vest.

“Your customer’s been waiting 15 minutes now. You need to get the fuck on Nelson.”

Finn looked at Rae. “Bollocks. I’d better go and talk to him so you can get yourself sorted.” He sighed. “I’m afraid I’ll have to start in the next 5 minutes…I’d much rather stay with you.” He kissed her on the cheek and made his way towards the door.

“Might want to do your trousers up first.” Chop joked.

Finn quickly turned his back on Chop and buttoned his flies and buckled his belt. But Chop was still at the door. “You’re going to have fun working with that.” He laughed pointing at Finn’s crotch.

Finn pulled his t-shirt out of his jeans and gave Chop a playful clip over the head and wandered out as nonchalantly as he could, attempting to muster up an air of professional detachment.

*************************************  
Rae woke to the sound of heavy rain pelting the sky light. An almighty storm was brewing. Gusts of wind bounced off the side of the house with tremendous force accompanying the incessant rhythm of the rain. It may have been three o’clock in the morning but she was wide awake and opened her eyes to look around Finn’s old bedroom in the half light.

There were still band posters taped to the walls, sports trophies on a shelf, dusty books filling the bookcase and crates on the floor. She could just about make out darker patches of the wall, indicating where his decks had once stood. A few large canvasses were stacked in the corner of the room next to the wardrobe and a framed photo of a much younger Finn and his grandmother was placed on the bedside cabinet. A smile crossed her face. This room just spoke of Finn.

She recollected how he had surprised her that evening by turning up at her mother’s even though he wasn’t due to collect her until after his session with Kester the following afternoon. What with her hormones, and having had a particularly trying and torrid session herself with Kester that afternoon, she had been feeling fragile and anxious. Her mother may not have been best impressed, but Karim had welcomed him. Somehow Finn had coped remarkably well with their rowdy family supper. Under the table, he had rubbed the back of her hand soothingly with his thumb.

Staying at his father’s had been the obvious choice, meaning that she would not have to share a room with her little sister. What she had not been expecting, was what he had so clearly planned when they got back to Gary’s. He had insisted on running her a bath, which she had been a little reluctant to accept, stating that she was more than capable of sorting it out for herself. But his motives had become apparent as she had opened the bathroom door. The room was dim, lit only by a couple of pillar candles and it smelt heavenly. A fluffy toweling robe was folded up on the seat and the portable stereo on the windowsill was playing Roberta Flack at very low volume.

She had indulged herself by laying in the warm perfumed water for far longer than she deemed strictly necessary. The cramping in her back and stomach had continued to make its presence known throughout the day and this had been a wonderful treat. She had wandered upstairs to the loft room, luxuriating in the new dressing gown, to find Finn sketching on the bed. Despite the relatively early hour, she had been tired, still feeling the effects of the previous night’s beers and emotionally drained following their misunderstanding and unspoken words.

He had meekly produced his trump card - a hot water bottle, which he had bought in his lunch hour. Mumbling something about thinking it might help with her pain, he had disappeared off to fill it up. Whilst he was downstairs, she had taken a sneaky peek inside the drawing pad, to discover a pencil drawing of her lying sleeping on his bed. She assumed he must have commenced it when he was working on his mural. Her own immediate reaction had shocked her, for it was not one of disgust or embarrassment to see herself on the page.

She actually thought that she looked  quite pretty in the picture. She was fascinated with how he had captured the light that streamed in from the window and how some of her hair had fallen in front of her face. It was a very intimate portrait and evoked a sense of longing. She began to realise that he genuinely felt something for her, and that whatever that was, it had not in any way been tainted by the previous evening’s outburst. She hurriedly shut the pad on hearing footsteps on the stairs, unsure as to whether he was ready to share it with her.

She had fallen asleep in his strong arms, only to wake an hour or so later to hear hushed voices downstairs and she surmised that Finn must be talking to his father. She turned over, trying to ignore the raging storm and once more slumber had descended.

The window rattled loudly and she opened her eyes once more she turned to find Finn’s sleeping form, curled in behind her, his fingers were in his mouth. She wondered when he had finally made it to bed. Unable to stop herself, she brushed his fringe from his forehead.

Even though she saw the warning flash of lightning, she still jolted and shook at the first crash of thunder. She tried to hide under the covers, burying her head in Finn’s chest. Yet something about the power of the storm fascinated her and she decided to observe its malevolent glory through the skylight.  Although Finn stirred, he did not wake until the storm was nearly overhead, arms reaching out but not finding her. He sat bolt upright in bed, posture softening when he found her at the foot of the bed staring out into the night. She flinched in anticipation as lightning lit up the room.

“What are you doing down there, you numpty?” He asked softly. She opened her mouth to reply but startled at an exceedingly loud bang overhead.

She barely had time to process what was happening when she realised that his arms were around her, his hand stroking her hair and his lips murmuring soothing nonsense into her ear.

“Do you know Mae… When I was a small boy, I was terrified of storms and my grandmother used to have to comfort me so I could go back to sleep. But I’m not afraid anymore…storms, they just make me feel alive.”

She clung onto him revelling in his soothing embrace. “Finn - Can you get the pillows so we can watch together from here?” A small smile crossed his lips and he affirmed by kissing her temple.

They lay in each others arms beneath the skylight observing the rain lash down and the sky periodically lighting up. “Erm Mae…” Finn began a little hesitantly. “You know I said we needed to talk about…about what happened yesterday. I was er….thinking that maybe….perhaps we could talk together to Kester about it. I mean…I just think that it might…help us both understand.” He stumbled badly over his words.

“Actually Finn, I think that’s a good idea. I suppose we haven’t really….” She trailed off and swallowed. “There are things I want you to know about…..about what happened with Liam…..and I…..it’s just so difficult.”

“It’s alright girl, it’s alright.” He whispered, lightly pulling her trembling body tighter against his. “Mae, you’re safe with me. I’ll always try to protect you. I mean if you want me to.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry if I got to wrong the other night….it’s just..” He paused biting his lip, searching for the words to explain what  continued to elude him.

“I need you to understand why I overreacted during that kiss….but I can’t explain it properly when I don’t even understand it myself.”

“We make a right old pair.” She whispered with a hint of a giggle into his chest. “I suppose unpicking all the shit was never going to simple was it? Finn… tell me if I’m talking out of turn, but do you have a problem with touching me in public?”

He snorted derisively. “More like I can’t keep my hands to myself.” And then he understood it was a serious question based on fear and self-doubt. His fingers trailed through her hair as he mulled over his past actions. “Mae, you can touch me when and where you want. But right now I just can’t promise that I won’t have a funny moment….I mean…I think…” He took a deep, calming breath, preparing himself for the torrent of words to come and mustering up sufficient courage to vocalise his experiences.

“You see Laura, she was very jealous and dominating. She hated it if another woman so much as talked to me. She always made it physically very clear that we were together…..and sometimes….sometimes she would be all over me and I just didn’t want it. But she would become worse to the point of being hysterical if I pushed her away. And I couldn’t cope with a scene and stuff, so I just had to go along with whatever she wanted…..and sometimes, I just felt so… so used and dirty.”

“Oh Finn.” Rae murmured, stroking his back reassuringly. “It’s okay. It’s okay to feel like that.”

“But…but I’m a man and…”

“It doesn’t make any difference Finn. I am so sorry someone ever made you feel like that about yourself. Promise me, you’ll say something if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything again. Please.” She kissed his nape as he was still holding her tight and trembling.

“You… you know you’re incredible don’t you Mae. And I’m so lucky that..” He sniffed a little. “I’m so lucky to have met you and to be with you. It’s like nothing else girl, nothing else. And you know the same goes for you right? If I ever do anything that you’re not ready for or don’t want, you just tell me.”

They lay holding each other tightly, legs entwined as the storm continued to surge, wind roaring. A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky and almost simultaneously a loud clap of thunder resonated and Rae clung onto Finn.

“Ssssh, ssssh.” Finn tried to calm her startled body.

“It’s ok Finn. It just gave me a bit of a fright. I’m fine.” She whispered and he let go of her. “Hey I was enjoying that.”

“You like me holding you close, do you?”

Rae correctly interpreted his tone which was gently verging on flirting or teasing, but she couldn’t be sure exactly which but she didn’t really care. “Actually yeah…..I really like feeling your body next to mine. If you must know.”

Finn snaked his hips in a little closer. “And I yours.”

They watched as the eye of the tempest passed overhead until the distant sound of thunder rumbled again.

“I…oh this is going to sound silly. But even though the weather is raging outside, I feel safe and warm here with you. I need you by my side Finn, not just now, always.”

He pulled her a little closer. “I’ll be there as long as you can put up with me because….because I love you Mae.” His voice was a little cracked and gruff and she understood just how vulnerable he felt in saying those words. She pressed her lips against his in answer, before nuzzling against his chest.

They lay in each other’s arms long after the storm passed, falling back into a deep and peaceful slumber.

*************  
Rae looked down at the pile of clothes on Chloe’s spare bed, incapable of deciding what she was going to wear, as for once, she would have felt comfortable in any of the outfits. Tonight felt like it should be special, a night of celebration and fun for the group friends. Finn had been in London for the last two days, tattooing at a convention and she had missed him terribly.

A recent major victory in the war against poor body image had brought a new level of self acceptance and fortified her. On their drive home from Stamford, she had raised the subject of completing Tix’s tattoo with Finn. They had stopped in the self same cafe where he had originally designed the mandala. This time she’d purposefully sat on his lap, an arm around his shoulder as he’d re-drawn the design with a couple of added intricacies. They had shared warm kisses in between mouthfuls of tea and iced buns.

Finn had wisely suggested that it would be best to test the skin by tattooing a very small part first. As, although the skin appeared to have healed well, he wanted to ensure there was no adverse reaction before embarking on finalising the full scale piece. Due to the convention, he had no real availability for some days and so had offered to stay open late. But she had been so impatient to accelerate the progress that she had mooted, that if it were just a small line and if he didn’t mind, perhaps Chop or Mike could oblige. Finn had grinned at the idea, in admiration of her growing confidence.

At Chloe’s suggestion it had been Mike, who had carefully begun a short piece of the new outline in accordance with Finn’s specification. The whole experience should probably have been awkward but Chloe had accompanied her, ostensibly to hold her hand. The trio had laughed and joked until Mike had asked for peace and popped mozart into the disc player. Rae had raised her eyebrows at Chloe who had simply smiled in response.

Of course she couldn’t have failed to notice the intimate little gestures between the pair before he started work; the way he had dropped a kiss on Chloe’s cheek when passing, the length of time their fingers had lingered on each brush past and Chloe’s less than subtle insertion of her hand in his back jeans’ pocket.

Rae rifled back through the pile of clothes and pulled out the black sequinned dress that had come from the charity shop so many months ago. Pulling on her leggings, she deliberated between her converse and a pair of black pumps. It took far longer than usual to do her make-up and, unusually, Chloe was dressed first and came in to admire Rae’s outfit. For once she was grateful for Chloe’s assistance, noting her out of the ordinary calm and patience.

“There you go. You look stunning Rae. Really stunning.” Chloe grinned adjusting Rae’s hair a little. “Finn’s really not going to know what’s hit him.” She winked.

“Chlo! Do you honestly think I look ok?” Rae’s voice was reserved and a little apprehensive.

Mike sauntered in. “Bloody hell girls. Wow. You both look incredible tonight.” He kissed Chloe on the lips and Rae on the cheek.

“Thanks babe.” Chloe replied beaming. Then she turned to Rae who was staring at her own reflection in the mirror. “You ok sweets?” She asked.

“Ummm….leggings and converse or tights and pumps?” Rae’s inner thoughts spilled out as she was so deep in contemplation.

“Tights, definitely.” Mike responded automatically.

Rae raised her eyebrows and Chloe laughed at her expression. “You’ve got to admit that he knows his stuff.”

“Right then. Give me a minute and we’ll be good to go.” Rae responded positively.

They arrived in cracking heart at the club, Mike having stayed close to the girls for the duration of their walk. Jim and Archie were already ordering at the bar and Chop and Izzy were sitting on their favourite cluster of tatty leather sofas.

Rae sipped at her snakebite, scanning the club for Finn but he was nowhere to be seen. Settling down, she chatted animatedly with Jim about the latest piece of music he was working on. Half an hour later, she joined the group dancing to The Beastie Boys in energetic style. She threw her arms in the air and danced around, trying to enjoy herself.

Getting on towards 11pm and concerned about Finn, she nursed a second snakebite while watching Chloe and Mike, and Chop and Izzy dancing slowly. Her eyes sunk back down to her glass. Feeling an arm around her, she looked up hopefully, only to find Archie, extending his other hand. A little reluctantly she accepted, questioning why she had made so much effort. She laid her head on his shoulder and sighed as they stepped slowly around the floor and her eyes fluttered shut.

She was immersed in thoughts of gratefulness for her friends unwavering support when she felt arms wrap around her waist from behind. Archie let go as she spun around to see Finn looking at her appreciatively.

“You….. you look amazing Mae. ” He moved a little awkwardly, stretching his muscles out.

“Come on and dance with me, knobhead.” She smiled.

“Later, I need a drink first.” He grimaced and took her hand in his and started to amble towards the bar. But she shook her head in show of petty defiance, choosing to remain on the dancefloor.

Not significantly later, Rae and Archie unceremoniously plonked themselves down on the only free seats on the sofas next to Jim and Izzy. Chop was straddling the opposite sofa regaling tales of his brother Charlie’s latest antics. Mike was sat next to him with Chloe on his lap laughing along with the others. Finn was staring moodily into the pint he was cupping with both hands.

“So I was thinking.” Chop started. “It’s been a while, and now Raemundo’s back, I think we really need a host a massive party to celebrate.” He grinned.

“Chop, have you forgotten about the last so called party you hosted?” Izzy glared.

Rae stared at Chop in near disbelief but then caught his wink and she knew he was up to something.

“Come on Izz…. just a small one - the eight of us plus a couple of others right? A barbeque, few beers, bit of music. Nothing fancy. Just a nice evening between friends.” Chop grinned toothily.

Izzy’s expression softened. “So exactly who else were you thinking of inviting then?”

Chop, having an audience, gave a rather melodramatic supposedly nonchalant shrug. “Pat, Fred, George, Lucy and Charlie.” An innocent expression on his face.

“Oh no. We agreed. No more piss-ups with Charlie at ours.” Izzy looked furious.

“Perhaps we could do something at mine?” Chloe bravely intervened. But Rae knew this was not part of the plan as Chop looked a little lost. Mike valiantly rescued the situation.  
“Chlo if you’re going to be renting out your flat it’s probably not the wisest idea to have a wild party there.”

Rae watched as Chloe’s eyes widened in surprise and her jaw dropped a little before she regained her composure. “Who says I’m going to rent my flat out?” She said pouting and running a finger along Mike’s cheekbone and onto his jaw. Their lips met and Rae raised her eyebrows, catching Archie smirking.

“So then Izz, if the party can’t come to us…how’s about we go to the party?” Izzy frowned and shared a bemused look with Jim who simply shrugged.  

“Chop, what are you on about? You know what happened last time we had a party in the park….” Archie’s tone was overtly and condescendingly dismissive.

“I wasn’t the one who spent the entire time naked shagging in the bushes.” Chop smirked but his face fell rapidly as Finn glared at him.

Keeping her dignity, Rae stayed seated, glancing around the room to try and alleviate her discomfort. She was grateful as Mike once again intervened. “If I recall correctly Chop, you were the one who jumped out of a tree and into the river. Stark bollock naked. Gave some tourists a hell of a fright. What was it? 5 o'clock in the afternoon?”

The conversation disintegrated into bickering about parties of old and the wild days when they were younger. From what Rae could gather, the boys had spent most of their free time playing pranks in an alcoholic stupor when they weren’t getting their rocks off. She was somewhat taken aback when Chop had finally cottoned onto Izzy’s distasteful expression and got his plan back on track.

“Anyways, assuming none of you losers are that keen on a party in the park, how about we all go to a festival together? Bit of music for Finny and Raemundo, dancing for Chlo, Izzy and Mikey, and of course lashings of booze and fun for Archer, Jimmy and myself?”

A chorus of appreciative and positive noises followed. However, Finn simply grunted an assent with a nod of the head when asked directly. Jim produced a bottle of vodka and the drinking games began. Rae noticed that Finn was abstaining and immersed himself in rolling a cigarette when Chloe suddenly burst out with her incongruous and mistimed confession. “Oh I love a good festival. Rae, Izz and I went to Reading after college finished. God don’t you remember Rae?”

Unfortunately, Rae remembered only too well. She wanted to kick Chloe, nudge her in the ribs or something.  But she was not close enough and had to watched on, paralysed in horrified fascination as the hideous tale was relayed.

“So we were camping. But of course, none of us had ever put up a tent. And it was a bit of disaster. We thought we were going to have to sleep outside. But no, Rae found some lads in a tent near us and she managed to persuade them to put our tent up. Had them wrapped around her finger. We danced nearly all night. Izzy and I were so drunk that we hadn’t noticed that Rae wasn’t in the tent with us when we went to sleep.”

Rae looked over at Finn, hoping to catch his eye. He was frowning, the left side of his lip curled up.

“Anyway, we were so hungover the next morning and we had no idea where to find her. I mean we wondered if she’d got up early and gone for a walk, a shower, or something. We spent what seemed like ages looking for her - across the huge campsite, in the grounds, at the food tents -  everywhere. She then emerged from a tent with one of the lads who’d helped us erect our tent. What a way to lose your….”

Mike stopped Chloe just as Finn had walked off. Chloe’s face fell as embarrassment set in. She slipped off Mike’s lap and walked up to Rae throwing her arms around her. “Shit I am so sorry. I didn’t think it would be an issue. I mean I thought you two were solid and had actually…you have, haven’t you?” She whispered in her ear.

Rae shook her head. “You weren’t to know Chlo. But in any case, I don’t think Finn wanted to hear the sordid tale of how I lost my virginity .” She muttered through gritted teeth.

Feeling humiliated and vexed, she stood up to locate Finn. She searched the rest of the club fruitlessly and eventually had to heed her full bladder. It was only when she came out of the bathrooms, that she found Finn standing, back pressed to the wall, smoking in his inimitable fashion, entirely captivated by his own ritual. He had one knee bent up, his leather jacket still on, his hair messy. He may have looked distinctly moody, lost in some internal battle, but Rae remained drawn to his extraordinary beauty.

Meekly, she approached him and ran a hand down his free arm. He looked at her, an unfathomable expression on his face, lips slightly parted.

“Hey you.” She smiled at him and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. His body and expression continued to be passive as she kissed him for a second time. “I missed you.” She muttered quietly into his ear and then kissed his neck, allowing her lips to drag down the skin, causing him to drop the cigarette butt on the floor. She retraced her path back up his neck past his ear and towards his mouth.

Before she could blink, he had switched their positions, such that her back was against the wall. He braced himself with his right hand, which was situated next to her head. He allowed his lips to meet hers in a succession of small kisses, teasing her top lip. He pulled back to catch her gaze and bit his bottom lip, running it deliberately languidly under his top teeth. A small gasp emitted from her lips. He stood back watching her slightly dazed and confused expression. “Thought you wanted to dance?” He raised his eyebrows and held a hand out towards her.

He took them to a spot close to the DJ booth, discarding his jacket en route. Rae had never seen the little nod to the DJ and so was more than a little bemused when Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game started to play. A slight smirk played over Finn’s lips as he closed the distance between them. Eyes never leaving hers, he pulled her close against him so their foreheads momentarily met.

Finn shifted Rae slightly to one side enabling his leg to slip between hers. His left hand snaked down her body to her hip, pressing her fast against him. His hips started to sway in time with the music, taking her with him. His right hand tangled in her hair as he placed his cheek, resplendent with stubble, alongside her soft one.

Rae’s breath caught in her throat and she shut her eyes, letting the music take her. She matched Finn’s rhythm and her hand wandered slowly from his shoulder to  his wrist and back again. Her other hand slid down to his bottom which only served to increase his sway to a roll. His hand slid firmly down her cheek from her hair, deliberately catching the corner of her lips, onto her collarbones, past the side of her breast, down to her waist and ultimately grazed her hip. It commenced its journey back up with more pressure - fingers splayed, ruffling the fabric of her dress in the process. It slowed distinctly on her breast and before winding round to the back of her neck.

That’s when she opened her eyes and found Finn’s dark, fiery gaze. He bit his lip provocatively watching for her reaction. Her breath stuttered and her lips automatically parted. He placed his lips on hers, kissing first her top lip and then her bottom lip in a stream of blistering kisses that lit up the sparks she had been feeling deep within. A jolt passed through her as his tongue finally moved around her lips, yet it did not seek entrance. He then began to pull her bottom lip between his and she pressed her pelvis firmly into his, lost to the divine sensation.

Eventually, she took the lead and bit his bottom lip, eliciting a groan that sent her reeling. Only too aware of the effect she was having on him she trailed kisses down his neck and onto a particularly sensitive area near his collarbone, causing his head to roll back a little, eyes shut. She felt the breath hitch in his throat as she nipped at the skin of his neck. This time his pelvis tilted definitely forward and his hand ran upwards through the back of her hair.

Her breathing became shallow and shorter as she buried her head in his chest, against the soft brushed cotton of his shirt. It was his scent that finally tipped her over the edge; a mixture of his musk, tobacco, sweat and his familiar deodorant.

Finn sensed the change in her body; the supple way she was rocking her hips, the increase in temperature, the arch in her back pushing her chest against his, the loss of tension, the way her hand stroked his face. And finally he too surrendered completely to the fire; forgetting where they were, the presence of others, any notion of time and even who he was. Their bodies undulated together in pure liquid desire, eyes shut, lips pouting, hands exploring, fingers trailing.

“Jesus Fucking Christ!” Chop exclaimed shoving Archie who ricocheted into Mike and Chloe. Soon the group were all staring in opened mouth wonderment at such a public display from such a private couple until Jim spoke. “Come on…back to the table, they would hate it if they knew we were watching.”

“But..” Chop stammered. “You’ve got to admit it’s pretty….”

“Shut the fuck up. You’re being a dick.” Mike grabbed him by the sleeve and steered Chop away.

Rae was disappointed when Finn seemed to revert to a cooler, more distant stance when the music changed back to a dance beat. But she noticed he was looking a little flushed and confused. In great need of a drink herself, she took his hand and led him back towards the sofas, perplexed at the way he was shuffling behind her.

“Hey you two, enjoyed your dance did you?” Chop grinned.

Finn remained behind Rae his head tilted down, nose pressing against her shoulder. Rae wasn’t phased. “You and Izz should have given it a go.” She stated calmly.

“How do you know we didn’t? You both looked rather preoccupied.” Chop chuckled.  “And your eyes were shut.” Izzy smiled.

“Touche you two. Touche.” Rae stated. She turned to Finn, unwittingly twirling a strand of hair around her fingers. “So what do you want to drink Finn? Beer?” He nodded in silence and then moved to follow her to the bar. “It’s alright…. I can get a couple of pints myself you know.”

“Archer….do us a favour and get a round in.” Finn handed him a couple of creased notes from his pocket. “But…” Rae began, the tone evident in that single word was so petulant that Finn interceded quickly. “Come and sit with me, Mae.”

She quirked an eyebrow in response but the tug of his hand was so insistent that she followed him, perching next to him on the arm of the sofa. “Mae, come sit with me.” His tone was gruff.

“Finn I am sitting right next to you.” She scrunched her nose at him.

“Mae….I need you to sit on my lap.”

Rae was mystified and and frowned at Finn. Unexpectedly, he slid her off the sofa’s arm and onto his lap. Her old fears about her size started to circulate in her mind and she was about to wiggle off when she finally understood the rationale behind his behaviour. She turned her head to his and placed a single chaste kiss on his lips and then held his gaze, trying to define where this was leading.

“Earth to Finn…earth to Finn. Do you want this pint or not?” Chop waved the pint behind Rae’s head and then put it down on the table shaking his head.

Rae felt Finn’s finger on her thigh but her eyes did not waiver. H-O-M-E-? She pursed her lips in a small but significant smile.  Finn slid her off his lap and stood up, carefully positioning himself behind her. “Rae’s tired. Think we’re going to make tracks. You’d better have my pint after all Chop.”

Finn pulled Rae’s legs across his lap in the taxi and began kissing her passionately. This time he did not hold back with his tongue which reefed at the seam of her mouth. Periodically, he pulled back to tuck her hair behind her ear, to scrunch his nose at her, to listen to her giggle and to admire the stunning woman who had turned his world around.

Finn dropped his keys twice before finally managing to open the front door. They had barely made it over the threshold when he had her pressed against the hallway wall, kissing her with a simmering fury of everything he had in him. Leaning against her, his hands snaked up and down her body, outlining and caressing every curve. The juxtaposition of her soft rounded curves against his firm contours drove him to a place beyond pure want.

As his hand grazed over her pebbling nipple, she moaned into his mouth. Imbued with confidence of knowing she was deriving pleasure from his touch, his fingers sought out her other breast and toyed with it through the fabric of her dress. He firmly rubbed and pinched at the hard nub, rendering her nearly dizzy with desire. She arched her back, thrusting her chest forwards as his lips trailed down her neck and traced a line from one clavicle to the other.

She bent a leg up and wrapped it around him, savouring how he rubbed himself against her. That’s when he finally lost all reason, past concerns discarded like paper in the wind. His hand slid up her inner thigh and back towards her knee. When it came back down again his fingers brushed against her panties under her tights and he felt the spasm pass through her body. On their second pass, his fingers were more insistent, applying more deliberate pressure and he was rewarded by her grasping his arse firmly.

All of a sudden, she pushed him back. He blinked and was about to question the wisdom of his lascivious behaviour when her hands ran up his chest, then slid his jacket off his shoulders. He bit his lower lip raising his eyebrows at her and she simply took entwined their fingers and walked them up the stairs to his room. His heart was racing in his chest, thoughts swirled in his mind and he was barely able to stand still.

Dropping her hand, he walked over to his decks and tossed the first vaguely suitable album on, which happened to be Massive Attack. He turned to find her looking at him with swollen lips and bright eyes. Tenderly, he ran his thumb over her lips and watched the way her eyes shut and her breath shortened. He replaced his thumb with his lips and once again they were overcome by blazing desire. Finn half walked, half danced them over to the bed. As the back of her legs came into contact with the structure, she withdrew from the embrace and looked at him deep in the eyes, tugging a little on his shirt that was still balled in her fist.

He pulled his shirt forwards over his head and cast it aside. Her hands ran up and down his arms to his shoulders and back. She felt the way his stomach muscles tensed as she placed a hand under his t-shirt and and slid it up his chest. It wasn’t long before his t-shirt joined his shirt on the floor. But Rae wasn’t finished yet. She kissed down his chest whilst her right hand traced the contours of his lean abdomen and discovered the texture of the hairs beneath the waistband of his jeans. She paused momentarily, gauging his reaction and then started to unbuckle his belt.

Finn took the hint and unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them to the floor and kicking them aside. Slightly more roughly than intended, he pulled her on top of him on the bed, locking their hips together and resumed their scorching kiss, whilst her hands ran all over his torso. The sensation was so gloriously intense that he rolled them over. Lying on top of her, he parted her legs a little to find his natural position. He rocked his pelvis into hers, watching as her head rolled to one side. As she squeezed back against him, he knew he was ready for more.

Kneeling between her legs, he wordlessly removed her cardigan. He ran his hands from her knees up and under her dress and back down her inner thighs. The second time, he located the waistband of her tights and dipped his fingers underneath the fabric. She tilted her pelvis forwards so that he could remove them. He snaked his tongue from her ankle up to the tattoo on her thigh, which he began to kiss reverently.

His hands pushed her dress up to her waist but then stopped. There was something in her eyes, a flicker of hesitation, fear, discomfort - he couldn’t be sure what, but he discerned that she wasn’t ready. Perhaps it should have been awkward or uncomfortable but Rae set her lips on his again resuming their zealous kiss as her hands explored his torso and sensitive sides. As her fingers began to outline the pattern of his tattoo above his boxers, he slid his hands up her inner thighs once more and ran his fingers softly along the lacey edge of her knickers. She moaned quietly and shocked him by placing her hand over his boxers and his body shuddered at the unexpected contact.

His eyes shut as latent pleasure took hold when she began to stroke him through the thin fabric. Then her fingers found their way underneath, grazing the top of him. Gently, he took her hand in his interlacing their fingers. But then he saw something in her expression and he recalled what had happened all those months ago in her flat.

“Mae…” His voice was unsteady. “I need you to know, you can touch me, wherever you want girl. But tonight, I want this to be about you. You have to promise me, you’ll tell me when it’s too much.” He waited for her to respond and then felt her hand on him once more, rubbing him a little more insistently.

“Mae.” He growled and raised his eyebrows.

She smiled up at him. “I promise.” She whispered.

That was all he needed. Lying her back gently, he began to kiss her tantalisingly slowly, fingers slipping under the damp lace of her knickers. Teasing her by keeping his fingers away from anything too sensitive, he came to understand just how much she was enjoying his touch. He lifted himself backwards onto his knees and finally dared place his mouth, where he had been longing to kiss her, pulling the fabric to one side. The first pass was enough to cause her body to convulse slightly and she cried out unbidden. He continued feeling her body writhe in bliss. When he ventured his middle finger in, her found her hand in his hair, spurring him on.

The fire that had burnt for so long reached a new potency and begun to spread its raging heat throughout her body until she finally let go, coming undone spectacularly around him, making noises he would hear in his sleep for weeks.

Despite the state he was in, he readied himself to curl up under the covers with her, pulling her into his arms. Once again, she turned the tables by straddling him and taking her time in absorbing the detail of his body. “Erm Finn?” She looked shy, a little lost perhaps. “Umm?” He frowned. “Can I…can I kiss you?” She asked hesitantly.

“Mae, you know you don’t need to ask. You’ve been kissing me all night girl… and I certainly wouldn’t say no to more.” He raised both his eyebrows at her. But she remained still.

“That’s….that’s not what I meant.” She said quietly. His eyes widened as it dawned on him what she was referring to.

“Oh no….I mean you don’t have to. Just because….it doesn’t work like that girl. Giving you pleasure - it just makes me happy. I did it because I wanted you…I wanted you to feel good.” He smiled reassuringly.

“But I want to Finn. I want you to feel really good too.” Her voice quiet as she stroked him again a little harder. His front held up remarkably well until she slipped her hand under his shorts and a loud groan escaped his lips. His hands grasped the fabric of the sheet as he felt her mouth on him. “Holy fuck.” He exclaimed as her tongue circled him.

She watched his eyes roll back as she confidently brought him closer to the edge. She marvelled at the way his unbelievable body reacted to her, how his breathing was becoming ever shallower and mumbled profanities were falling from his lips. His release came far quicker than she could have predicted with a loud cry and a final thrust. The thrill of being the one to turn this heavenly man to such a quivering wreck was a novel experience for her.

“Did that feel okay?” She asked tentatively.

“What do you think madam?” He smiled bashfully.

She blushed. “I erm….I’m just going to put the album back on.”

He watched her carefully remove the needle from the middle of the vinyl and set it back down on the outside. She then gathered some clothes from a pile on the top of his chest and disappeared silently out of the room. He tucked an arm behind his head and began to cogitate these actions. For in all the weeks they had shared his room before her departure, she’d never once undressed in front of him. She had permitted him to change the dressing on her burn but had never accepted his offers of help when it came to changing her clothes.

He had thought she was far more confident upon her return, happier in herself. And it was a bit of a blow to realise that there was still so many words left unspoken. He mused that the sessions with Kester had to be a good thing. But a seed of doubt had planted itself in his mind.

*********************************  
Rae sank down wearily onto the plush sofa, dropping her bags on the floor and sighing dramatically. “Mine’s a vat of tea please Izz.” She grinned. “Oh and I wouldn’t say no to a chocolate muffin.”

“Diet coke for me please Izz.” Chloe handed her friend some money and started to pull garments out of her bags. “What do you think of this one Rae.” She held aloft a purple top with some interesting cut-outs at the side, smoothing it down her body.

“The colour’s amazing and I bet Mike will like that one.” Rae winked.

“Stop it you.” Chloe grinned, playfully swiping at Rae. The two continued their banter for a few minutes until Izzy returned tray in hands.

“So what you girls talking about? Men?” Izzy giggled.

“Durr yeah!” Chloe replied cheekily and pulled a face at the others.

“Well you have to admit we are three very lucky girls to be dating three such hot men.” Izzy said with a flash of fire in her eyes.

“And we have you to thank Rae. If it wasn’t for the club we would never have met them. Izzy wouldn’t be living with Chop and I wouldn’t have ever got to know Mike.”

“Chlo…Have you and Mike talked about moving in together? I mean the other night at the club?”

Chloe looked a little shy and a smile crept across her face. “I thought he was jesting or something. It was the first I’d heard of it.”

“But?” Rae raised her eyebrows sensing there was a story to be told.

“Well, he has asked me.” Chloe blushed as Izzy cheered. “But, we don’t need to rush things. I mean, I’d have to rent my flat out. My parents haven’t even met him yet and….It’s not that I don’t want to. Actually, I’m taking him home to meet mum this weekend as dad’s away on business and I’m a bit nervous.”

“Mike’s lovely. It’ll be fine.” Izzy stated confidently.

Rae knew it was a little more complicated, only too aware that if her friend failed at this hurdle, her father would be impossible. “Izz is right. Mike is lovely - he’s got great manners, his own business, he’s interesting and intelligent and well dressed.”

“Yeah but the kind of tattoos he has - they’re not really the preserve of the middle class are they?” Chloe raised her eyebrows and Rae had to nod. “And I know I’m not one to talk as I really wasn’t sure about them at all. But now, I just see them as part of Mike. Part of his creativity and let’s face it, he has such a heavenly body, so why not use it as a canvas!”

“Is he covered all over?” Izzy asked, genuinely intrigued. “I mean Chop’s got his sleeves done and has some other small pieces but Mike looks like he’s had a lot of work.”

Chloe blushed. “Not all over! I mean his back chest, neck, one of his hips are covered and he has a raft of smaller pieces but there’s still some bare skin. Less since Finn tattooed his arse and hip though.”

Izzy gulped. “Finn tattooed his….” Chloe nodded. “And he drew some rather interesting still lifes of him for his portfolio too.”

“Oh, my god.” Izzy whispered.

“So what about Finn then?” Chloe quirked an eyebrow. “Just how covered is he?”

“Err…. you’ve seen his arms girls. And he has just the one other.” Rae swallowed thinking about it.

“You can’t leave it there Rae….come on…just one other?” Chloe pressed.

“Girls, I’ve only just seen it properly for the first time. It’s all a bit new you know.” Rae felt uncomfortable divulging any further and looked out the window at passing shoppers.

“But….I mean….surely…all those weeks before you went away. Are you telling me you…that you’ve only just seen each other naked?”

Rae shook her head. “No it wasn’t like that.”  The others were so wrapped up in the images in their own heads that they failed to immediately notice the subtle change in Rae’s demeanour.

“So the other night after the club…..did you finally get it together?” Excitement was only too evident in Chloe’s voice. Rae shook her head.

“But the way you were both dancing….it’s clear Finn really wants you.” Izzy tried to be supportive.

“That’s not it, Izz.” Rae sighed. “ It’s not like we don’t want to. At least I think Finn wants to…” She broke off to wipe a stray tear from her cheek.

“Rae…I’m sure Finn wants you. Neither of us are blind. We’ve seen  how he looks at you.” Chloe took a deep breath. “But he’s probably just trying not to push you Rae.”

“I get that. But….fuck it…..I might have seen him in the nude but he hasn’t seen me…..I know I feel a lot better about myself but I’m not the same as Laura am I?” She trailed off frustrated at her own perceived weakness.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, Rae. You’re gorgeous. Everyone gets a bit nervous the first time with someone new. Besides it’s not Laura who Finn adores.” Izzy tried to be as reassuring as possible.

“Suppose.” Rae sniffed back another tear.

“Oh Rae.” Chloe put her arm around her friend. “Think about it this way. Finn’s already seen your legs when you had your first tattoo done.” Rae nodded. “And he saw some of your top half when you had Tix’s tattoo done, right?” The corner of Rae’s mouth lifted. “So…it’s just like putting both of those things together right? And….. sexy underwear always helps!”

“But he’s never seen me out of my underwear.” Rae mumbled.

“Rae. Finn’s most definitely a boob man. I can guarantee he’s not going to be disappointed.”

“How do you know he’s a boob man.” Rae shot back rapidly.

“Erm well….let’s see….he’s hardly subtle about looking at your assets.” Chloe giggled as Rae blushed and her eyes grew wider.

“And he was most definitely looking down your shirt the other night while we were watching TV.” Izzy added.

“Seriously?” Rae asked, setting aside her natural self-denigration.

The girls nodded in unison and pulled Rae into a generous hug.

But it was Izzy who finally reached the crux in her astute observation. “Do’you know….I bet Finn’s nervous about the whole doing it thing too. Just because he’s a bloke, doesn’t mean he’s all confidence. Talk to him…When he’s not being a mardy grump, he’s so sweet, kind, caring and considerate. I bet he would never be put off but a little bit of body confidence issues. Don’t forget he thinks the world of you. Besides he was undoubtedly drooling over you in that dress at the club. I expect he spent the whole night wondering how to get you out of it.”

*****************  
It was a hot summer’s day in Stamford. The sun blazed down onto ground that was not just parched but full of fissures that had developed into substantial cracks. The grass had lost its deep emerald hue of late spring and was now, at best, yellowing. It was muggy to the point of feeling oppressive; clothes stuck to skin, it felt impossible to cool off and even the flies buzzed lazily in the cloying air.

The crunchy grass prickled at the skin of Rae’s legs exposed by her denim cutoffs. Her shoulders felt like they were already burning in her vest and she had only been in the sunshine for five minutes. She cleared the strands of long dead grass from around the headstone, noting how even the nettles were wilting and dying off. Finally, she settled down, cross legged on the grass, using the flannel shirt tied around her waist as a blanket.

“Hey Tix….It’s been a while since I last visited and as you can probably guess quite a lot has happened. I don’t really know where to start but I suppose I should go back to when I visited you last on that rainy day back in Spring.”

Rae talked at length about the events of the last few months; her time  in Tunisia,how she had repeatedly pushed back her homecoming date and her resultingly increased body confidence.

“And I felt safe out there. I didn’t have to worry about Liam. That’s one of my big pieces of news actually. I’ve set up a meeting with the police. It’s tomorrow. And I am shit scared, Tix. I mean, will they believe me? There’s no evidence of anything. I can’t prove what he did. What he was like. But not knowing where he is, makes me worry a lot. And I know it upsets my friends but especially Finn.”

Rae paused and picked at a couple of spiky blades of browning grass.

“Yeah Finn and I finally got it together. But it’s a long story so you might want to settle down with a cup of tea.”

Rae relayed the tale of her relationship with Finn from the moment she had first met him and what had happened from the time when they supposedly had been friends through to when she had found his letter in the Dylan Thomas book.

She paused to identify the cause of an itch on her leg and grimaced to find an ant crawling towards her knee. She flicked it off in distaste.

“And I sort of thought …I just had all these visions of coming back and falling into his arms at the airport….almost as if he’d never left it from the day we said goodbye. I just hadn’t really thought it all through. I was so wrapped up in my own little world, that it was a bit of shock to get back and find that people had moved on and changed.

Chloe’s dating Mike now. I am so happy for the pair of them. He’s the perfect gent that Chlo’s always deserved and desired. He treats her like a princess and she adores him. It’s funny because I’ve always been one for saying how you shouldn’t judge people on appearance because what’s inside is far more important. But I would never have put those two together. Chloe’s so girly and so mainstream and Mike looks like he should be in heavy rock band, riding a motorbike or something. And I’m happy to say that I was wrong. They make an amazing couple - somehow he balances out her insecurities and makes her feel safe and protected and she makes him intensely happy. I have to admit I was a bit relieved to find out they were dating, I suppose because it assuages my guilt about what happened between Mike and I.”

Rae then updated Tix on her other friends Jim and Archie and Chop and Izzy, relishing in sharing some of the minutiae of their interactions.

“So I suppose you’re going to ask me about Finn? Right?” She paused again to look around, to make sure he wasn’t too close. For he would never leave her on her own in Stamford. She swallowed when she caught sight of him.

“Oh Jesus Tix. I don’t know if you can see Finn. He’s over there lying on the bench with his knees bent. Just in case you can’t …he’s wearing jeans with holes in them and a white t-shirt. He’s got these amazingly intricate and complex black tattoos that cover both his arms. Right now, he’s smoking a cigarette and he’s got his headphones in. God knows what he’s listening to. I wouldn’t let him hear it but his music taste isn’t half bad. No, it’s more than that. It’s bloody amazing…well most of the time…he does have the odd dodgy album.

Oh my god….he’s just put an arm behind his head and I can see the skin in between his t-shirt and his jeans. He’s got another tattoo, low down on on his stomach in a similar style and I can just about see some of it from here…and his skin’s glistening with…fuck you probably didn’t want to hear that.”

She stopped to fan her face and then continued with the story of London, the portfolio submission and Lucy, enjoying relaying the tale of the mural and her poem in detail.

“To cut a long story short, we’re together now. Properly together. The thing is Tix, we haven’t actually gotten together yet, you know? I mean we’ve kissed and done a whole bunch of other stuff but not done ”it’. But it’s not just me with hang-ups. Finn’s last girlfriend Laura was a royal bitch and she was vile to him and it really impacted his self esteem. That’s kind of why we are here today - we’ve been to see Kester together.

You’ll be pleased to hear he’s still as bald as ever and cracking terrible jokes. Finn’s been seeing him for months since I left. I don’t know, neither do I need to, what they talked about but he told me it was about Laura and what she did to him and…” She sighed. “And about the stuff that happened when I went back to Liam. I suppose I never realised just what an impact all of that would have had on the others. It was worst for Finn. I mean I went to see him, I wanted him to save me from it all one day. And he saw the marks on my body but….I ran away Tix….I left and I’m still not exactly sure why. I think I just didn’t want to inflict the mess that is my life on him. And today….today he said….he said how scared and frightened he was.

It’s funny how with Kester there we were both able to open up a little more. It’s like he provides a safety net for when the emotions get too intense. And it’s really hard to learn just what that time did to him. He said it made him even more nervous around me. That he’s terrified of doing something wrong.”

If that wasn’t difficult enough for one day, I talked about how I still have bad days when thinking about myself. When I’m in his arms it’s like my fears melt away, like the rest of the world ceases to exist. Like it’s just meant to be.  But there are other people out there - people beyond our friends and I can’t help but be worried about what they will think of us. I know it sounds stupid. But he’s some kind of greek god and I’m…I’m just me. And much as I feel better than I used to,I’m still struggling with my appearance.I mean he’s never seen me naked…and Fuck Tix….I know I’m being daft. He’s not blind. He’s seen lots of bits of me naked but never everything together. And I’m afraid. What if he suddenly changes his mind….what if he’s…..

God will you listen to me! He told me he loved me. And here I am wittering on about ….yeah he said he loves me. And….and I love him too Tix. I’m in so deep…I didn’t even know you could feel this way…. and to think if I’d never read that letter…” She trailed off to a near whisper, allowing the tears to come.

She remained seated, head bowed in the heat. Some minutes later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. “Hey you…you done?” She nodded sniffing back a tear.

“Shit, Mae…you’re crying.” He squatted down beside her stroking her hair. He helped her to her feet holding both her hands.

“Finn.” Rae threw her arms around his neck. “I really love you……these are happy tears…I’m crying because you mean so much to me.”

For a second, his face was a picture of discombobulation, before a huge smile broke out and he placed his lips on hers. “That’s a good thing girl. Because I fucking love you.” He pulled her into a tight hug, swaying her from side to side.

Rae pulled back holding her hands up. “Much as I want to stay hugging you. It’s far too bloody hot. Look we’re practically stuck together. Euuu… your hair’s all stuck to your forehead.”

“And? It’s fricking boiling and I’m wearing jeans. “

She laughed. “Perhaps I should take the scissors to them…”

“Oh no, no you don’t. These jeans…these holes all have history. They are staying just like this thank you. Just because you chopped your own jeans off doesn’t mean you’re doing it to mine.”

Rae sniggered and then held out her hand. “Come on. Let’s go for ice-cream and a cold drink, grumpy pants.”

“But I want a shower.” His arms encircled her waist, drawing her to him as he pulled a puppy-dog face.

“You can have a cold one.” She responded bopping him on the nose.

“Just a quick shower?  We could always share?” He made a small noise in the back of his throat and intentionally fluttered his eyelashes and pouted at her.

“Ermm…nope dickhead.” She said scrunching her nose at him and bopping his nose with her finger again.

“But Mae…..” His finger slipped quickly down her arm.

“Ice-cream first, then we’re stopping for deodorant on the way home.”  She smirked at his confused expression. “You stink!”

“Oi….” He pulled her into his arms once more. “S’all your fault…..you make me all hot and flustered.”

“What has got into you today. Dickhead!” She smiled at him.

He looked down. “Well…..this morning went well…..and you’re……you’re not exactly wearing very much…..Mrs Dickhead.” He scrunched his nose at her.

She took his hand giggling and stated in a firm tone. “Ice-cream!”

**********************************************  
Although all he really wanted in the near unbearable heat was a an ice-cream, Kester made himself yet another cup of tea.  He supposed that was just one of things that had become part of his job along with mopping up tears.

Today had been a better day than expected as he had derived satisfaction from assisting one of his long standing patients and her new partner in their first joint session. They would never know that he was effectively seeing them in his own time and was breaking all sorts of rules in the process. But based on today’s evidence it had been, and would continue to be, worthwhile.

When Rae had lead Finn by the hand into his office, he had been listening to jazz and having a not so surreptitious cigarette out of the window. They had exchanged banal pleasantries before Rae had taken her usual seat on one of the rather utilitarian orange upholstered chairs. However, Finn had wandered towards the open window, apparently gathering his bearings until he had settled himself sufficiently to sit on the chair strategically placed next to Rae’s. He had stared at his boots, the right of which had softly tapped a fast rhythm against the floor.

“So?” Kester had begun, inviting them to speak and direct the discussion.

“So.” Rae had exhaled. “We’ve come together because, as you know, there are some things we think would best be discussed in your presence.”

“Right.” He had smiled reassuringly at Rae and then had tried in vain to catch Finn’s eye. “You sure about this then Finn?”

Finn had opened his mouth several times, looking as if he were about to say something.  Kester wondered if the weight of the unspoken words laying heavy on Finn’s shoulders had been what had made him retort rather acidly.“Ummm yeah. It was my idea, wasn’t it.”

“Okay then. Is there anywhere specific you would like to start?”

“I suppose we should probably talk about my….my relationship with Liam.” Rae’s tone had assumed an usually steely edge.

Kester had watched Finn run his hand ran through the back of his hair, whilst keeping his eyes glued to the floor. Kester had learnt that pushing Finn at times of stress was simply not option, as his reactions could be unpredictable - sometimes there would be tears, sometimes he would pace around the room and sometimes he would bite his cuticles to the point of drawing blood.

“Ok. Where do I begin? At the beginning. Yes stories should always start at the beginning right.” Rae’s overtly chipper tone had belied her inner turmoil.

Her tale began with the mundane trivia of any relationship - where and when they met, and what they were doing at the time.

And then Kester put his hand up. “Rae you are more than welcome to discuss the minutiae of this relationship if that is what you wish. But before you do I’d like to say something to you both now that I have said on more than one occasion in the past.” He had raised his eyebrows seeking assent before continuing.

“None of us can change the past. And it is often important to acknowledge the events that have taken place. But what we can influence is how we let those events affect us or alter our lives. With some work, we can, to an extent, determine how we react them.”

Kester had paused to allow his words the space to sink in.

“What I feel would benefit you both most, would be to consider how you each now feel about those events, which Rae has referred to, and how that might impact your behaviour. Specifically within your relationship.”

He recalled the slightly bemused expression on Rae’s face as she sought out Finn’s gaze. Finn  had merely nodded mutely, indicating that she should speak first.

“But Finn already knows how Liam made me feel. How the relationship destroyed what little self esteem I had, how I loathed what he had made become and…”

“Rae, please stop.” Finn’s tone had been gruff and guarded. His head had hung low as he had sighed.

“Why have you asked Rae to stop?” Kester had enquired.

“It’s obvious isn’t it? First of all she’s putting herself down again and…..it doesn’t matter.”

Kester had raised his eyebrows at Finn and had met his gaze, expecting more. But Finn had simply shook his head and started biting his cuticles nervously.

“Finn it clearly does matter. Your tense posture and clenched teeth are a little bit of a giveaway. Not to mention the fact that you keep checking your pocket for your lighter.”

“But I…” Finn had interrupted and then broken off, unsure of what he had been going to say.

“Rae says she knows how you feel about her relationship with Liam.” Kester turned to Rae. “Rae I just want you to listen for a while whilst Finn explains just how he feels about the whole Liam business. I know you may have heard it before but I think it’s important that we explore that fully.”

Rae and Kester had both looked expectantly at Finn, who simply remained mute under the pressure. Then he had stood up and wandered over to the window and gazed out where he had muttered. “I ermm…I think…I just…” He had then wandered back to the chairs, plonking himself unceremoniously down with a loud sigh.

Rae had then jumped in to fill the silence, starting to talk about how the relationship had so rapidly descended into one where she was continually concerned about Liam’s mood and was fearful for her own safety.

He had observed how Finn had shifted right to the edge of his seat, tentatively placing his body next to Rae’s, such they touched from shoulder to knee. It wasn’t long before Finn had taken one of Rae’s hands in his own and had started rubbing small soothing circles with his thumb. But the narrative started to go down a particularly dark path and Finn had moved away again.

Kester admitted to himself that he had watched how Finn had started to fight the ire evident in his balled fists and clenched teeth with fascinated administration. After a considerable struggle Finn had managed to relax sufficiently to gently place a reassuring arm around Rae, who had become pale and drained.

He decided to change tack, wanting Finn too open up where he had not managed to do so previously. “Finn, how do feel when you hear Rae talking about this?.”

“The fuck do you think I feel? I never ever want to hear about shit like that. But knowing that someone has made the woman you love suffer like that, makes me feel angry. Really angry. And I also feel sick, physically sick.” He had swallowed and paused for a moment.

“You know Rae, that day you came to find me at work, to show me what he’d done to you…..why did you run away? I still don’t really get it.” Finn had stood up and started to the pace the room.

“I…I don’t really know Finn. I came to find you because I wanted advice on….on whether the tattoo would heal after what he’d done to my skin and…..”

“Rae, you could have gone to a nurse, your GP, a clinic but consciously, or subconsciously, you chose Finn.” Kester had let his statement hang provocatively in the air, expecting Rae to comment.

However, something had loosed Finn’s tongue. “If you’d not disappeared I could have protected you Rae.  I wouldn’t have asked questions. I just wanted to take care of you. But you ran away and I couldn’t help you. I have never felt so useless and helpless in my whole life.”

“My body made you physically sick Finn. I thought you’ were so repulsed by the state it was in that….”

“Jesus no. No. How many times do I have to tell you Rae? It was the thought of what had happened…it were too much for me at the time….and I ‘m sorry if you think I am weak because of it. I really am it was just those…those bruses.”

“What did you think had happened Finn?”  Rae’s tone had been almost cold..

“I…I…” Finn had stammered. “You know….”

“Say it Finn.” Rae had commanded.

“I thought he had….I mean those bruises meant that he had…..fuck I can’t Rae…I can’t.” His voice had assumed a desolate lilt and Kester had watched as Finn’s breathing became shorter and faster.

“It happened to me Finn, not you. And you need to know that wasn’t the only time. When he’d had a drink he frequently couldn’t control himself and ….why can’t you just say it.”

“Rae.” Kester had held his hand motioning for her stop as Finn was gripping the windowsill so tightly that his knuckles were white as his body retched.

Totally unforeseen, that had become the breakthrough moment he was looking for. He’d asked Rae to leave him and Finn for a couple of moments peace, hoping to bring Finn out of the state he was in by reducing the pressure of her being there to witness his difficulty. Perversely however,  that moment had provided the key to Rae understanding the strength of the physical reaction Finn had had on that day, in comparison his reaction to merely talking about events.

He’d offered Finn a cigarette and they had both smoked out of the window. Unusually, he had then been the one to do a lot of talking, to explain about the different ways that people react to trauma and how they had to respect each other’s perspective but that did not necessarily mean that they had to agree. The rest of the session had been filled with the pair talking quietly with one another.

Kester had to admit that this was one of the most difficult situations he was involved in. One where both parties both had complex issues, not helped by their wildly different styles of communication. But they were far from being a hopeless case provided they were able to keep talking without making assumptions first.

Kester lit a cigarette and gazed out of his office window. He had so much paperwork to complete but none of it seemed remotely compelling or appealing in that moment. He decided to go home, have a shower and spend the rest of the evening with his girlfriend. He was going to tell her that he loved her, remind her of all the reasons why he loved her and thank her for putting up with his moods, the sometimes unsociable hours he worked and his domestic shortcomings.

*********************************************

Finn set out the tools of his trade with slightly less than his usual precision. As expected, it had been an especially tough day as Rae had made her statement to the Police. He had woefully underestimated just how long the process would take and had smoked his way through an entire pack by the time Rae appeared pale and shaken for a so-called lunch break. Inevitably, she’d hardly touched her sandwich but had thankfully drunk a cup of tea, as the heat wave had shown no sign of abating.

Of course he had offered to go in with her and hold her hand, either literally or metaphorically, but she’d been firm on needing to do this alone. And he remembered how he had been hit by a simultaneous rush of pride in her actions and fear for her. He had been grateful that his father had been there with him otherwise he wondered whether his anger and impotence would have got the better of him.

A few days ago, he’d bought her an antique silver locket in the shape of a book. Although he could not recall exactly when he’d planned to give it to her, he had thought that perhaps today would be the day. But she had surprised him by leaving Stamford in a remarkably placid mood; as if the hours had been spent in pleasurable pursuit. On their drive home, he had indulged her in stopping at her favourite road side cafe where they had drunk more tea. She had nearly begged him to complete Tix’s tattoo that day, feeling very strongly that it was what she had needed. It some respects he had been relieved, as it had finally given him the premise to get her to eat.

For some reason this  tattoo made him exceedingly nervous but the exact semantics of why eluded him. He wondered if it was because of what was happening between them when he started it, or whether, more obviously, that it was to do with what had happened to her skin which bore his work. Yet there was something else there, something slightly less tenable, and it continued to puzzle him.

He was sweating now and he hadn’t even started to work. The humm of another machine told him that Mike was still working, which was no great surprise given this was one of their late shifts. He tried to collect his thoughts and prepare himself for what was to come. He could hear her settling herself on the couch so began his usual spiel about what the process entailed.

“Finn really…I know what I’m getting into. Come on, cut to it.” She sounded slightly impatient.

“Look you naughty girl…..If you want me to ink you…then you’re getting the talk.”

“Bet you didn’t give it to Mike when you inked him.” She complained.

“Fucking did. And even he didn’t give me as much grief as you. So, are you going to be a good girl and listen carefully, yeah?” He trailed a finger over her cheek and down her neck, happy to play along with her game.

“Alright.” She grumbled. “You going to leave the room when I get changed then?” A hint of challenge in her voice. “Depends what you want me to do Mae.”

Rae watched Finn with interest. She had to admit his professionalism could not be doubted. As he carried on with his pep talk, she observed the sweat glistening on his forehead. The heat was getting to them all. There was simply no respite and she knew it was making her tetchy and him grumpier than normal.

As Finn turned his back to finish preparations, she briefly deliberated on whether to roll her top up (as she had done in previous sessions) or to take it off. Suffused with nascent courage from her trying day, she opted for the latter.

Finn turned round and stopped stock still, his mouth hanging slightly agape and then he swallowed hard. “Err… err” He stuttered, unable to avert his gaze.

“It’s hotter than a snake’s arse in here.” She commented incapable of avoiding a slight smirk. “You must be boiling Finn… you know you could always take your t-shirt off.”

“You’d like that would you Mae?” He teased and then shook his head. “It wouldn’t be professional but if you manage to behave…I might be persuaded to remove it when we’re done.” His lips met hers in a chaste kiss and this time he allowed his finger to run right down from her cheek to the lacy fabric of her bra where they accidentally grazed her nipple.

“Spoilsport.” She muttered.

“You get to choose the music…provided it’s not shit of course.” He retorted.

“Haven’t got any reggae have you?” She asked sweetly and noted his adorable blush as he put Oasis on.

Somehow, Finn managed to get through all the preliminaries without staring too much although his lips had navigated to hers on more than one occasion and his fingers had lingered on her skin. She had quietened down once he finally started work and she seemed to shut her eyes.

He had been working for well over half an hour when there was a knock at the door. “Don’t come in.” He called, concerned that Rae would feel uncomfortable in her current state of undress.

“It’s only me. Just wanted to know if you would like a drink. I’m fucking sweltering.” Mike shouted.

“It’s alright Mike you can come in. It’s only me.” Rae answered. “Finn’s working on Tix’s tattoo.”

Mike wandered in, stopped and caught Finn’s eye.

“You have to see this Mike…look it’s going to be amazing.” Mike walked over and cast a professional eye over Finn’s work.

“You heal well Rae. That’s good.”

Finn watched as Mike carefully kept his eyes on Rae’s face whilst he was talking. He was glad it wasn’t Chop as he would have commented on the ridiculous amount of cleavage that spilled over the top of Rae’s bra and hit her collarbones. He had been struggling to concentrate as a result. Rae continued to chat with Mike as Finn recommenced his work. Mike eventually politely excused himself with a promise of returning with refreshments.

Finn was just settling back into his rhythm, mind firmly on the job, when he caught Rae staring at his arms. “Admit it Mae, you’re fascinated by them.”

“You what?” She tried but failed to look confused.

“Do you happen to like the patterns on my arms then?” He raised his eyebrows. She nodded meekly. “Maybe, maybe I’ll let you touch them later.”

He thought he was doing well, but somehow he ended up placing his lips against her pout and he comprehended that this task was far more difficult than he anticipated. Two hours in, he called an obligatory cooling down break and they shared the drinks Mike had brought.

“So which one do you want girl - Coke or lemonade?”  

“You choose Finn.” He’d placed two straws in one bottle and they had commenced drinking the lemonade, noses near touching, whilst he had placed the ice-cold coke bottle against the back of her neck to cool her down.

Both drinks were consumed pretty quickly and Rae was still looking rather flushed so he went hunting in the fridge in the office. It had a small freezer compartment at the top and for once there was ice. He wrapped the ice in a towel and briefly placed it on his neck, relishing the relief that it brought. He took it through and stood behind Rae, who had sat up, and initially placed it on her neck before moving it down her back, delighting in the way she squirmed against it.

“Bit cold is it?” He asked innocently.

“Nah, it’s fine actually.” Her teeth were gritted.

“Right a couple more minutes and we’ve got to get back to it…otherwise we’re going to be here all night. And as you so delicately put it, it’s hotter than a snake’s arse in here. And if you haven’t noticed I need to get these off and shower.” He stated as coolly as possible, wafting air onto his face with the bottom of his t-shirt, in full knowledge that he was exposing his other tattoo. He leant over and placed a number of small kisses on her lips. But he forgot his tactics and accidently slipped his tongue in on the fourth one.

He hurriedly returned to the sink and washed his hands again and put on new gloves, aware that if he didn’t resume soon, the work wouldn’t be finished that night. He was also very uncertain how much Rae had left in her, after the horrendously draining meeting earlier.

By the time he finished, Rae was looking pale and tired. With the tenderest of touches he applied the ointment and covered the fresh work before dropping a kiss on her forehead. He turned to clear up his equipment when she spoke: “So Mr. Nelson, have I been a good girl? Have I earned my reward?”

Finn swallowed. He had not expected the game to continue this far and was seriously considering just taking her home to rest. However, his desire to do what she asked won the struggle and he put the box down. “Well Miss Earl…..if I recall correctly there was some resistance earlier. I also caught you ogling whilst I was working. I think I should mark you down for that.” He drawled.

“That was hardly my fault sir. You should have remained fully covered if you did not expect me to look. I protest the reduction in my grade.”

“You are hardly in a position to negotiate, Miss Earl.” He smirked to himself but did not want to prolong his teasing so pulled his sweaty t-shirt over his head.

Rae was sitting upright as he walked towards her. He stood steady under her gaze as she ran her fingers up and down his arms, chest and stomach. She pressed her mouth against the hot skin, tasting his salt. A muted noise escaped the back of his throat.  He leant down and they shared a few more kisses, his resolve continually weakening.

It was only when she stood up that the full impact of the events of the day hit her and she grasped him, shaking. He helped her back to the couch and slipped his shirt back on much to her chagrin. “But Finn it’s so hot, you….you could have driven home like that.”

“Look Earl, I don’t want to taint that pretty mind of yours when you need rest ok. I’ll just go and get the car ready and we can go.”

He returned, having shut down the rest of the shop and opened the car door. Taking Rae entirely by surprise, he scooped her up and carried her out feeling her nestling her head against his shoulder.

He hadn’t realised just how tired he was until they reached home and were lying in bed. Rae was sleeping in his arms, wearing leggings and a t-shirt despite the stifling heat. He would have preferred to sleep in just his skin but supposed Rae was not ready for that and so his boxers stayed on. He could feel her hair damp with perspiration and it troubled him.

The predicted tears did not come until 4am when Finn woke to feel the gentle heaving of Rae’s body next to his. Cautiously, he wrapped her in his arms and tried not to wince as the words spilled forth from her mouth. Purposefully he listened without interrupting, aware of the magnitude and significance of this step.

Although he had learnt something of her past in the shared session with Kester, this went so much deeper. It not so much comprised the description of the physical events, but more the effect they had had on her as well as the longer term implications. How she had become afraid of speaking up for herself, how she had come to believe that she was in some way to blame for Liams behaviour, that she could have prevented some of his worst actions just by being more compliant and less questioning.

And then she timidly told him of her fears about what he thought about her. Whether he considered her sullied in some way, whether he pitied her, whether he was with her out of some sense of duty and misguided devotion. Her words cut Finn to the quick but he patiently allowed her to continue speaking until she became quiet. And, with her in his arms, in his own faltering fashion, he attempted to reassure her and to dispel her fears, clear in his assertion that he loved her with everything in his being. That the past was the past and it only served to make her who she was today. That he was proud of her strength and determination. That he firmly believed nothing she could say would change that in anyway.

That’s when she finally unburden the full catalogue and extent of Liam’s abuse to Finn. Kester’s session had assisted her to understand that Finn was going to react in some way and his instinctual mode was physical. He flinched on more than one occasion as her words became graphic and he became quite restless, but never lost control or left her side.

By 6am, she was pale and trembling, and he switched the radio on. Even though their bodies were uncomfortably hot and their clothes clung unpleasantly to their skin, he held her fast, stroking her hair until sleep finally took her.

*************************************  
Finn could not settle; the heatwave had yet to break and he had once again woken drenched in sweat and feeling restless. He wandered downstairs and let himself into the garden, lighting his customary cigarette.

It had been a pretty horrific week. He had almost been shocked at how Rae had coped. It was as if unburdening her confession to him had lifted something from her shoulders. He had insisted on a extra session with Kester, which probably wasn’t strictly necessary, but for once, he had needed to talk. He found that Kester could always help him understand his emotions in the most straightforward way, without him spending weeks puzzling over them alone.

He had finally spoken of those events and behaviours that had troubled both his sleep and waking moments. Yet Rae had not so much grimaced, let alone walked out of Kester’s office as he had feared. She had simply held his hand and stroked his back softly when he’d finally released the pent up hurt and turmoil he had carried for so long.

She taken him for a walk in the woods afterwards, stating it was far too hot to be out in the sun. They had stopped on a mossy bank and she had made crowns from cow parsley. And he hadn’t been afraid to wear his and had been laughing when she’d started to photograph him. It had taken a little persuading to get her to hand the camera over but he had managed to get some shots of them smiling together and him kissing her blushing cheek.

They had ended up lying down in a secluded mossy glade with his head in her lap. She had read extracts from Thomas Hardy to him and he had shut his eyes, finding a peace that had eluded him for quite sometime. He must have been drained, as he had woken two hours later to the sound of her softly humming along to a disc. Lavishing kiss after kiss on her, they had revelled in each other’s bodies and under each other’s touch.

He put his second cigarette out and headed back up the stairs but not to the bedroom. He needed another cool shower. It wasn’t just the heat these days that dictated his 3-4 showers a day. Something in him had shifted since that day in the woods. If he were to contemplate it further he would realise that it was a slow metamorphosis and not just a simple flick of a switch.

Rae had started volunteering at a charity shop for half a day a week even though she grumbled about needing to work extra shifts at the hotel. He had been filled with admiration and had taken her shopping at the end of her first morning, insisting that she buy something more comfortable to sleep in. Climbing under the crisp cotton sheet that night, he had found far more of Rae than he had expected. The tiny shorts and vest combination had been the start of his undoing.

It was as if his body had taken control over his mind. His hands had wandered all over her silky skin and his mouth had run up and down her neck. Finding bare skin under her camisole had caused his hips to press hard into her back and before he had known it, he was on his back, bunching the pillows in his fist, as her mouth relieved his longing. His fingers had found their way into her shorts of their own accord and she had cried through her own release, which had only rendered him ready again.

He turned the water even cooler as his body responded to the memory. He thought he should have been embarrassed by the way this kept on happening. There had been a couple of slightly awkward moments; when she had turned up at work with lunch that had never been eaten, not to mention the evening she had spent on his lap in the pub. Far from being scared of his reactions, she seemed to relish them and take confidence in them, which only turned him on more.

But something continued to nag at the back of his mind about the way she still dressed herself in the bathroom, about her refusal to join him in the shower and her insistence on being well covered when out in public.

**********************************  
She wakes early to the drumming of heavy rain against the window. The sound has so long been absent that she opens the curtains just to be sure that this isn’t a dream. She jumps on the bed, a huge smile on her face and shakes his sleepy form. “Finn…Finn.” Her tone full of childlike happiness.

“Ummmm” He grumbles.

“Wake up sleepyhead….wake up.”

He rolls onto his back and throws an arm over his face. “What time is it?” His voice sounds pained.

“I don’t know and I don’t care….come on!” She exults.

In the end it takes her straddling his chest and placing a myriad of kisses on his lips to get him to open his eyes. She grasps his hand and tries to pull him up. “Mae….what the fuck are you doing?”

“I want you come with me. Now hurry up and get out of bed you dickhead.”

He realises he’s never going to win and slowly sits up carding his hand through the back of his hair. She pulls on his other hand and he stumbles out the bedroom after her. Somehow they get down to the bottom of the stairs in one piece and he successfully lunges at his jacket for his cigarettes and lighter as she fumbles with the French doors.

Rae leaps outside in the pouring rain still wearing her pyjamas. He’s a little more reticent and somehow manages to light up before leaving the house. He smokes a rather soggy cigarette watching her in fascinated adoration. She casts her hands aloft and dances around, bright eyes raised heavenward. He’s never seen her so carefree, so joyous or so electric before. And it’s not long before he joins in the dance holding her hand as she twirls around in the pouring rain.

They laugh and embrace and laugh again, bare feet starting to slip on the grass. She twists and turns with her arms above her head and he throws his arms out to the side and runs circles, ducking and diving around her. His laugh starts as a small chuckle to himself and grows into a deep full bodied sound that echoes in the dawn air.

She throws her arms exuberantly around his neck. “Can you smell it?” He frowns for a moment. “The air is so fresh….it smells clean and I don’t know…..” She trails off thinking she must sound a little deranged.

“Yeah…it’s … I don’t what it is Mae….but yeah.” His smile lights up his face.

Her hand trails from his temple to his jaw. “Jesus…..you are…you are so beautiful.” She says gazing at his sparkling eyes, the smattering of freckles and his full lips. He blushes, teeth catching his bottom lip and glances shyly at his feet, feeling her fingers run up his arms. “And these Finn…..I just…they’re breathtaking….” Her hand is in his hair when he looks back up and she leans forward and presses her lips against his. They share a number of happy, chaste kisses, before she sucks and nips gently on his full bottom lip, feeling him grasp her firmly around the waist.

Before Finn really knows what he’s doing, he slips a bit of tongue into the kisses that remain testing and teasing. As she pushes her body against his, he feels the buds of her nipples peeking against him which renders him light-headed with longing.

They eventually break apart as Rae begins her dance again and Finn can’t help but join in laughing and smiling. It takes him quite some time to realise that they are actually getting a little cold. Finally, and somewhat reluctantly,  he leads her by the hand into the shelter of the house. Dripping wet, they make it into the kitchen where she puts the kettle on. He’s so mesmerised by the way her short pyjamas cling to her body that he forgets that the sensible thing would be to remove their wet garments first.

It’s only after they finish their tea that they make it upstairs and he chucks her a towel. His boxers are soaked to the extent that they are hanging unpleasantly against his body and so he discards them and towels his hair. He looks up to find Rae standing a little open mouthed at his presence and a demure smile crosses his lips.

“Come on Mae. You can’t stand there in those wet things all morning.” She freezes momentarily, so  he goes to his chest of drawers to retrieve fresh boxers, concerned that his nudity is bothering her.

Much to his astonishment when he turns around, he finds her standing in her underwear, looking a little apprehensive. And that’s when the idea finally comes to him and he wonders why he hadn’t thought of it before. Meandering towards her, his eyes flick up and down her body because he needs her to understand that his words are true, not just sycophantic bullshit.

One hand tucks her hair behind her ear and the other hand finds her waist but she doesn’t look up. “Mae…” He lifts her chin with a single finger. “You…..you are fucking stunning.” She blushes and her eyes drop again.

“All of you is beautiful. Every last inch of your body. You know that I find you completely bewitching.” He bites his lip at her, partly due to nerves and partly through desire.

“But I…my.” She stammers covering her stomach with her arms.

“Mae….you should understand by now that my body finds yours irresistible. I’ve been walking around in daze for weeks.” His fingers run through her hair again and he kisses her softly. “I know you don’t necessarily see it the same way I do. But I can’t take my eyes off you. You light up everywhere you go and when you smile, I feel happy. And I want you to understand just how unbelievably beautiful you are.”

He can’t help but kiss her again but this time it’s more searching and insistent. A little dazed, he steps back. “I…I want to paint you girl….as you are. Right now.”

She frowns but a small bemused smile escapes. “You mean …..like this?” She twirls a little, lifted by his admission.

He brings his lips together and nods. “Aye…like that.” He holds her gaze and she giggles. “Right then.” He fumbles with, then untangles, a white sheet from a canvas stacked against his wall and smooths it down over the bed. “Bit of music then girl?” He raises an eyebrow and she nods. “Good old Etta James.” He mutters to himself, forgetting that she can hear him.

He gestures towards the bed and she lays down while he fetches his paints and brush from a box in the corner of the room. She pushes herself up on her elbow. “Are you seriously going to paint me like that?” She gestures at his state of undress.

He nods. “Unless you want me to put some clothes on.” He can’t hide the cheekiness of his words and is rewarded with a smile and a coy shake of the head. “Right then lie on your back.” He asks and runs a shaky hand down her leg.

“Urm Finn….where’s your canvas.” Her face betrays her bewilderment.

“Right in front of me.” He responds confidently and dips his brush into the black paint. Her eyes widen but she chooses silence.

He starts on the top of her left foot. She notes the intense concentration on his face as he begins to paint. The brush strokes tickle a little at first and his fingers periodically run over her skin. He reaches her right knee and then tilts and turns her leg, bending low, trying to get the best view in the light before continuing.

Whilst she expected his work to be slow, she had not perceived that it would be so freehand. There is nothing methodical about the way he is painting. It’s as if he had been overtaken by a force, the one that means that nothing in nature is a strict linear shape where there is beauty in imperfection and variation. She shuts her eyes submitting entirely to his brush.

Over an hour later she opens her eyes to find him completing her second leg. She watches the way his painting arm moves and affords her an alternative perspective on his own artwork. And once again she marvels at his exquisite form in action.

A small frown plays on his forehead as he places the wooden end of the brush in his mouth in contemplation of his muse. He returns to the turntable to change the long finished LP, humming slightly. He kisses her stomach before adorning it, cognisant of how self conscious she is of this particular area of skin.

It takes him a further hour to finish her stomach, arms and neck. At which point, he sits her up with a cup of tea and some biscuits. She regards the work with near disbelief for he has created multiple patterns, reminiscent of her tattoos but in more freehand style, with less precision and far more flourish. She watches him smoke out of the window, exhaling into the pouring rain and she questions what fate had brought her to be here with such a stunning and astonishing individual.

The back of her body takes a further two hours to complete. She dozes intermittently in a blur of almost indefinable feelings, periodically picking up on a change in music, or the tickle of the bristles. Eventually, she feels the weight of his body on the bed beside her, his hand gently stroking her hair.

“So, erm girl…. do you…. do you want to take a look.” She detects the nerves in his voice and notes the tremor in his hand as he helps her up. He opens the dark wardrobe door so she can view her body in the mirror. She stands there for a while, entranced by the swirling entwined patterns and the elaborate blooms of filigree. Her jaw drops slightly and she turns around to discover that she is covered from neck to toe in the ornate organic design that wraps around her under garments.  “Sweet Jesus. Finn….I…bloody hell it’s incredible. It’s beautiful, it’s magical.”

“You’re incredible girl…. can you see how beautiful you are?” His teeth chew his inner cheek to keep his nerves under control.

“I would like….I don’t know how you’d feel if I were to…. maybe perhaps take a photograph… I want you to be able to look at it and see what I can see. To feel just a little of what I feel when I look at you.” She blushes and shakes her head at first. And then the idea bursts into life in her mind.

She picks up his paint and gets the feel of his brush. She knows that she cannot in anyway compete with his artwork but she has her own. She pushes him gently towards the bed and he lays back, perplexed yet curious. She continues to position the brush in her hand, establishing its weight and latitude against her other palm. It takes her quite some moments to assimilate its form before she is ready.

“Shut your eyes Finn.” Her tone gentle yet commanding.

He obeys and she smiles then straddles him, beginning with his chest. It’s not too long before she’s working on his legs with large, bold, sweeping movements, leaving him puzzled. He senses a change in shape up the outside of his legs and a smile crosses his lips. He shivers as the bristles make contact with his abdomen, stomach muscles fluttering. He’s so relaxed that it takes him a little while to respond to the nudging at his hip and obediently he flips over.

The feel of the slippery brush on his back is unearthly and makes him giddy. His heart is racing and his mouth slightly dry in anticipation of just what she is creating. It’s a mere half hour later when she adds the finishing touches to her tribute. She requests that he get up with his eyes shut and stands behind him, palms covering his eyes, walking him towards the mirror.

Deliberately slowly, she moves her fingers back and his mouth assumes the most delightful shape as he takes in her doing. The marks are nowhere near as finely executed as his, and indeed they are a little smudged in places paying homage to her desire to finish.

Finally his moving lips emit an audible sound. “O.” His mouth turns up at a corner as he turns round and regards himself in the mirror. She watches on in fascination as he grabs his buttock to get a better view of the word that touches the very top of his left thigh.

“It’s…it’s your poem..” His voice near inaudible. “You’ve covered me in words…..I..I don’t know what to say Mae.” A tear trickles down his cheek before he pulls her tight against him.

His lips are on hers in seconds and he’s none too subtle this time with his nipping and sucking and his hand grasps her bottom through the fine fabric of her knickers.

“Err Finn.” She clears her throat. He stands back in a little consternation. “I thought you were going to take photos.”

She has astounded him again and he’s rooted to the spot. Somehow he pulls himself together and positions her as he fully intended against the mural. He has no idea how many shots he’s managed to take when she speaks again.

“You got a tripod for that thing?” He’s a fumbling wreck pulling it out of the wardrobe and it takes him more than two attempts to assemble the damn thing so it doesn’t collapse. Putting it on automatic with a 20 second delay, he runs to join her.

It flashes near continuously as they stand side on, holding hands. She looks over her shoulder at the camera, another pose leaves her hair swinging in front of her face. Several shots capture them kissing or gazing at each other. The final set find her in his arms, foreheads touching, modesty provided by their underwear and each other’s bodies.

With a little remorse, he switches the camera off and puts it safely on top of the chest of drawers. He doesn’t want this to end and he wonders if he’s being too greedy, too physical. He stoops down and puts Otis Redding on his turntable.

He pulls her into his arms and dances her around the room for a while, swaying his hips with free abandon. She arches back delightfully over his steadying arm. His finger trails from her nape, over the fabric of her bra between her breasts, down past her navel and to the waistband of her knickers. It pauses temporarily and then drags down a little lower and the slightest of whimpers leaves her lips.

“Umm Mae…..” He pushes his lips together and attempts to consider and choose his words carefully but in the end they don’t sound like anything special. “There’s more of you I’d like to paint.”

She freezes then looks unassumingly into his eyes. “You mean…?” She tilts her head and he bites his lip and nods modestly. She takes a deep breath. “Well…I suppose…… I suppose…..” She backs away from him and he winces, cursing his clumsy words, his ineptitude at expressing the magnitude and depths of his emotions. He tries to take a few steadying breaths staring at the green carpet under his feet and concentrating on the lyrics of the song.

When he finally looks up, his chest constricts painfully and he has to blink several times. Then he has to grab himself roughly as he fears his body is on the verge of losing control. She stands stock still, eyes timidly cast to the floor where her underwear is now lying. A small nervous smile plays on her face. Some seconds later, he’s still staring open mouthed in wonder, pupils blown near black with desire.

He speaks in a voice that seems alien even to him - part gruff, part squeaky. “Holy…. holy fuck Mae….”  He trails off.

Noticing a slight trembling, he walks forward, feeling like he’s in slow motion, to reassure her. His fingertips graze her arms and both his hands cup her face as his lips meet hers. His kisses stay simple as long he is able, as he tries to keep some kind of handle on reality. Pulling her in for a hug, he ponders whether she will be deafened by his heart thudding in his chest.

“Finn.” She whispers. “I thought you had a little more painting to do.”

He swallows thickly and fumbles around for his brush and the depleted pot of black paint. His hands are shaking so much that holding the brush represents a significant challenge. He stumbles inelegantly behind her and drops to his knees. He shuts his eyes and bites his cheek as hard as possible. He starts to paint her bottom with considerably less panache and flair than he had managed previously.

He doesn’t allow the paint to dry properly before lying her down on the bed when her voice invades his stupor once more. “Erm ….Aren’t you forgetting something.” She raises her eyes more confidently than he could have ever foreseen. She’s still staring some seconds later when the message finally gets through and he pulls his boxers down, revealing the true extent of his body’s feverish reaction.

He doesn’t know where to begin when it comes to the expanse of her breasts. He holds the brush and shuts his eyes for a few seconds in the most futile attempt at regaining composure. His thoughts grind to a halt and then recommence in a tempest of visions. He cannot fathom how they should compliment or complete his original design. He starts with slow brush strokes, intently observing her reaction. Her breath hitches in her throat several times and he feels lightheaded and distracted. Something goes amiss on the second breast when she arches her back beneath him and he find his mouth teasing the soft texture of the darker skin of her nipple. Beginning again with his deliberate lines, he watches a rosy pink flush spread down from her neck.

With a quivering hand, he finds his brush on the skin her panties had covered. By now he is a hopeless wreck devoid of any rational capacity as her body tenses and then relaxes beneath his brush. He is shaking by the time he completes his work and places a solitary kiss at the apex of her thighs before removing himself from the bed.

He extends a hand to help her to her feet and exhibit his latest work. Wide-eyed she views her body critically in the mirror. “You’re so beautiful Mae….you …I…fuck ….you’ve stolen my words again.”

Tears in her eyes she places her arms on his shoulders, linking her hands behind his head. “Thank you Finn” She whispers, “Thank you.”

As he dances her around the room she whispers “I love you” in his ear. Somehow he stutters out his response but the words don’t seem sufficient to describe what he’s feeling.  Changing Otis for Portishead is a good move, as his body seems to settle a little to the sound of Beth Gibbons’ haunting vocal.

He knows his dancing is far more than he had intended but she continues to respond to his touch. Once again, her mouth trails up his arms ending on his neck and driving him wild with burning want. Every small touch electrifies him. The atmosphere has become charged and thick with the ache for each other.

She’s lying underneath him now but he’s not entirely sure how that happened. He pushes up on his arms before starting to kiss her with devoted fervour. His hands slide over her skin and he revels in the way her body responds so freely to his touch. When her hands begin to glide over his body, his his hips begin to snake into hers, his back arching. Clinging onto his last hope, some near forgotten words storm into his brain and reluctantly he pulls back, leaving her more than a little confused.

Rummaging through his drawer seems to take an age but finally he grasps a foil wrapper and turns and stumbles into the bed. Words completely fail him and he becomes fearful that this is way out of kilter with what she wants. He runs a hand anxiously through the back of his hair, trying to find the words that won’t sound too crass or lewd. But before he can, she removes the wrapper from his hand. He takes a deep breath and assumes that he was out of line but then gasps as her hand rolls it on.

Although there may have been plenty of girls and he’d fucked Laura a lot, he’s never been this nervous before. As he lays on her, he understands for the very first time that he’s never made love before. Somehow he pulls it together enough to say the most important thing he’s ever said. “I love you.” He may be nestled between her thighs, but he ensures that he has her gaze and assent.

Hers is a simple response to his words. “And I you.”

Somehow he kisses her deeper than he’s ever managed before and takes his time in entering her.

His rhythm is painstakingly slower than he’s ever managed before. His eyes wide, mouth open in silent ecstasy. He watches as her eyes seem to grow even wider and she responds to his movement. She whimpers as he adjusts his position, needing to be as deep as possible. Periodically he leans down and how ardently he kisses her with such soulful intensity. The world had long faded away. All that mattered was their impassioned and much yearned-for union.

The fire begins to burn deep within as he starts to feel her body tensing in ever increasing waves below him. He reaches between them, applying the lightest of pressure to where she is most sensitive. He watches open mouthed as she becomes near delirious. Her breath comes in short bursts punctuated by soft moans. Finally, her eyes flutter shut in pure rapture as she lets go spectacularly. When his own release comes, it pushes him so far over the edge in a blissful rhapsody for which there has never been a parallel. He cries her name one final time as his body trembles and shudders, before wrapping her in a secure embrace.

They lie in each others’ arms in contented silence listening to the steady thrum of rain against the window. Intermittently they make and return affirmations of love. Finn finally has to surrender to his craving for tobacco and wanders downstairs on unsteady legs. He returns with rounds of toast and a pot of tea which they share in bed.

It’s only when clearing up that Rae catches sight of the state of the white sheet which is now adored with numerous black stains. She starts to laugh and it’s infectious.

“Think you might need a new sheet Finnley.” She raises her eyebrows. “I don’t think this one will ever be the same again.”

He shrugs indifferently and crawls back up the bed to lie next to her. Taking her in his arms, his lips find hers once more. “So Mae…..”

She raises her eyebrows at him. “Mr Nelson…..are you seriously suggesting….” Cheeky grin on her face, she searches his eyes. “Bloody hell.”

“Chop and Izzy aren’t back until tonight….” He smirks roguishly.

“Finn fucking Nelson…..honestly.” She grins devilishly and then runs her hand down his chest.

****************************  
Finn ambled happily down the stairs. It was a late start for him today and he was glad of the extra time it had afforded him in bed. Jim had collected Rae to take her to work an hour ago and the house was silent and still. He had been sketching in in his room again, trying to devise a clever way of covering up a rather large tattoo for a client.

He grabbed his coat and slung his book inside his bag when he spied the post on the doormat. Leafing through the usual bills and flyers, there was a letter from the Art College in London. He stared at it for a while and then shakily put it inside his inside jacket pocket.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a battle, I have finished this thanks to the very kind and patient and talented how-ardently 
> 
> Now this the first of the three final parts. All are written just taking my time to get the right. I could fiddle with this for another fortnight and still not be happy so I have posted instead…… 
> 
> There are Trigger Warnings - just references to past events - abusive relationships etc. 
> 
> And BLANCHE says watch out - there is enough smut in here to fill a boddice ripper. There is a lot. YOu have been warned.
> 
> One final point is the tense discrepancy. I have been using present tense at the start of the chapters as a stylistic choice. (as well as for key intense scenes.) It’s something I realise in hindsight wasn’t the best idea but I’ve stuck with it for this story but probably won’t do again. So apologies if you find this confusing.

The first thing Rae becomes aware of, as sleep’s fingers loose their hold, is the warm body she is curled tight against. As has happened each morning for the last few days, a smile crosses her lips before she’s even fully conscious. She breathes a little deeper; her relaxed body a true mirror for her emotional state. Momentarily, she considers pinching herself, just to ensure that this is no mirage, no trick of her mind and a muted giggle escapes her lips.

Instead, she chooses to open her eyes and takes in the the back of a tousled head of hair with the most gloriously inked arm lying over the side of that same head. This is the first time she has been the one wrapping him in her embrace, as opposed to him holding her tight against his body. She ponders how this change had arisen, given that they had drifted off in the manner to which they had quickly become accustomed: his body curled around hers, his hand stroking her hair, music soothing them into slumber’s arms.

Hazily, she recalls that he had tossed and turned in the small hours, eventually rousing her when he awoke with a slight start and briefly sat bolt upright in bed. His restlessness had only subsided when she had snuggled against him with an arm steadfast around his waist, holding his hand in hers. Momentarily, a flicker of shadow passes through her mind that makes her stomach clench slightly and cools her blood. But it’s so fleeting and intangible that it’s quickly lost in the familiar notes of tune emanating from the radio left playing very quietly all night.

Safe in the knowledge that neither of them have to get up until much later for work, she presses herself right against his body again. Eyes closed once more, she inhales the familiar musk; the one that lowers her pulse and loosens any tension in her body. The one that speaks of home. But this morning it evokes something beyond familiar comfort, for it kindles an ever increasing warmth, a longing that sends tiny sparks throughout her. Without conscious thought, her hand spreads out wide on his firm chest and a quiet moan escapes her lips unbidden.

He seems to stir as he moves his arm down from his face such that his hand lies close to his face on the pillow. He rocks his head a little, emits a contented sigh and becomes still once more. Rae tries to ignore that which has ignited in her head by telling herself to go back to sleep. But her hand has other ideas - gliding up his chest and then slowly back down towards his stomach. Though he may be asleep, his stomach muscles most definitely flutter as she runs her fingers over the soft skin. And then she gasps; once again he is sleeping in nothing but his skin and she believes she could never tire of the feel of his glorious body under her touch.

Her fingers not only graze the wiry hairs at the base of his abdomen but also the tip of him. Her top teeth catch her bottom lip as she considers the wisdom of following her desire. Lust triumphs over her nerves but she moves her hand back to safer ground. Her palm again finds the solid contours of his chest, then her fingers trace the curve of his arm. But it’s not long before she finds the flat of his lower abdomen again. Her fingertips trail ever so lightly along his morning glory before she finally musters the courage to cup him completely.

Granting herself permission to touch him in such a manner brings a heady yet searching confidence; as if she seeks confirmation of the physical aspect of his feelings. Almost unwittingly her manoeuvre develops into the lightest of slow strokes. She feels, rather than hears, the breath catch in his chest and she pauses, uncertain once more. For this is the first time that she has initiated something so brazenly. As he seems to settle again she edges her left arm under his ribs and starts to trace words upon his heavenly chest and simultaneously her right hand recommences in a similar location to where it stopped. But this time around, she allows herself time to slide her hand down from his hip, over the muscles of his thigh and to the softer inner skin before making its way back up.

Her hold is firmer, her stroke a little more insistent and it’s only a matter of a some seconds before he thrusts into her hand, a whimper emanating from his lips. She continues a little more subtly, somewhat shocked at her own behaviour. This time he groans obviously and shifts a little indicating that he’s awake. As her pace becomes a little more insistent, his head rolls back and a guttural noise escapes his mouth.

It’s shortly thereafter that he becomes the one to take her by surprise. All of a sudden he has flipped her over and his lips are on hers. His kisses are all burning fire and blazing passion. He bites at her lips and then moves down the skin of her neck, nipping and sucking gently. As his lips rejoin hers in searing intensity, he rocks his pelvis firmly into hers.

She can feel his naked glory pressing against the lace of her knickers, which are the sole garment worn under a checked nightshirt. She feels him tilt her head back slightly as his teeth nibble down her neck and into her super sensitive hollow, which causes her hips to buck forward against his. His fingers graze the lace between her legs and she rejoices in his touch, moaning loudly. Silently, he reaches an arm out towards the bedside cabinet, whilst maintaining the kiss. Somehow he opens the drawer by rolling his body and he fishes out what he’s seeking.

His eyes meet hers for the first time as he holds the silver towards her, eyebrows raised in question. As soon as she nods, the atmosphere becomes charged and thick with tension. The fire burns hot within as she realises this is not about to be the tender love-making they have been practising all week.

Suddenly, he has pulled the lace aside and is inside her. There is nothing aching and slow about this. His hips snake into hers at what she deems to be a fast pace. She runs her fingers hard down his back which only serves to increase his tempo. He runs a hand down the outside of her thigh and picks up her leg at the knee to reach a better angle. The sensation is so exquisite that she gasps and holds her breath. A sound, that she doesn’t recognise as her own, escapes her lips as he adds a twist in. She arches beneath him as she is completely overwhelmed by sensation; all of her nerve endings tingle in delight.

“Shh Shh” He whispers hoarsely in her ear and she realises she’s been screaming though a release like none other she has known. But as he recommences, his rhythm now near brutal, she finds that her pleasure has merely ebbed somewhat. He has pushed himself up onto his forearms now and she peeks at his face. His eyes are screwed shut, his mouth open wide, sweat glistens on his brow. Seeing him in such a state is almost too much for her and it’s a mere few seconds before she shakes under him again as he finds his own release with a loud cry.

She watches as he collapses worn-out onto his side. He is out of breath, his cheeks flushed and his pupils are blown. He shuts his eyes for some lengthy seconds before reaching out a hand to stroke her hair.

“Mae.” He falters. “I erm. You okay? I mean, I wasn’t too rough was I?” He chews the inside of his mouth. The fire expunged, his expression is raw and concerned.

She shakes her head and a small grin plays on her lips, aware that he has been holding back for some time. “It was….it was…Where did that come from? I mean…” She trails off, nervous and unsure.

“Well, you did give me one hell of a wake up call girl.” He replies before his face falls. He backs away from her. “Shit. I…fuck. I got that wrong didn’t I? I am so so…”

“Finn, I was screaming because it was so good, you daft numpty. What has got into you?” Her tone betrays the fact that she is not only confused, but a little irked at his self doubt in light of what he has physically demonstrated.

His brow creases. “Sorry. I’m being daft. I just wasn’t sure you were ready for..” His top teeth toy with his lower lip.

As non confrontationally as possible, she asks. “I wasn’t ready for what Finn?”

His blush colours his cheeks a deeper shade of pink as he mutters, “Fucking.”

Her nose rumples and cheeks rise as she starts to giggle. “Really?” She raises her eyebrows as the giggle develops into a laugh.

“You enjoyed it? Honestly, I mean, it wasn’t too much was it?”

She stops laughing in recognition of his need for reassurance. “Finn, why are you doubting yourself after the event? You must have felt what that did for me….twice.”

She’s the one blushing now as he silently mouths “Oh” before finding his voice again.

“So you like it like that do you?” He enquires, a cheeky grin on his face, his eyebrows raised.

“Might do. Mind you, I think I’d like it any way with you. I hope you didn’t mind that I touched you this morning.” Her voice drops to a near whisper.

“You can do that to me any day of the week. You know I don’t mind you touching my body. I mean I really like you touching me.”

“Ok.” She nods. And then a sly smile appears. “So if I were just to place my hand here,” she intonates in a bouncing staccato, putting her hand on his bicep, eyes raking over the lines of his extraordinary ink, “that wouldn’t be a problem.” She traces the line of his tattoo as, once again, she becomes completely captivated by its pattern.

“No. Admit it though Mae, you’ve always been fascinated by them, haven’t you?” He responds scrunching his nose up at the end.

“And what if I have?” She responds, bopping his nose with her finger. “So, what if I were to touch you here?” She asks, running the palm of her hand down his chest to his stomach.

“Th..That’s good.” He tries to say with a deadpan face, comprehending he has been royally out-manoevered.

“So.” She pauses. “How do you feel about…” Her hand trails lower. Despite his obvious exhaustion, his body shudders in anticipation. “Me touching you here?”

His voice is husky. “I…I suppose that’s okay.”

“Just okay?” She asks, her touch a little more teasing and most definitely lingering this time.

“Jesus Mae.” He swallows thickly. “I’m going to be ready to go again if you’re not careful.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth he knows that it was her intention all along. He lets out a little air,“pfft” , before provocatively toying with his bottom lip.

“So how do you want it to go this time then Mae? Would you like it if erm…..if I kissed you?” He waggles his eyebrows as best as he can.

Her lips emits a strangled gasp. He wins this round.

“Right.” His tone decisive as he leans over her and turns up the radio. “We may have already woken up Chop and Izzy, but I don’t want to be evicted by my landlord, do I?”

An expression of faux annoyance flashes across her face, before she gently places her lips against his, her kisses slow and tender yet deliberate.

He interprets the signal and responds in kind, taking his time to  physically demonstrate his feelings, his love.

*******  
Rae was perched on a stool in the corner of the hot hotel kitchen, trying to drink her cup of milky tea in peace. She partially comprehended why Finn smoked now; the others all escaped the hubbub indoors for a social cigarette in the private courtyard, whereas she was trying to relax while listening to the inimitable sound of the head chef remonstrating with the sous-chef, who, no doubt, would pass the message onto the underlings in due course.

She sighed and gulped back some of the tea, preferring to get back to work in the hope that time would pass quicker. When the kitchen was such a frantic hive of activity and testosterone, it was nowhere near as much fun as the bar. Yet in quieter moments it was far more tolerable, pleasant even when the head chefs were absent - such as at breakfast or late at night. It was often during these delicious lulls that the staff would put the world to rights and have a really good gas. She stood up and tipped the rest of her tea down the sink, rubbing her head gently.

She had been washing up again for a mere quarter of an hour when Jim walked through. His hair was looking crazier than ever, with its curls near standing on end in a fluffy mass. He looked tired, terribly tired and worn, she thought.

“Rae, how would you feel about doing me a great favour?” He asked, leaning onto the worktop with one hand and massaging his lower back with the other.

“Of course, you ok Jim?” She asked, concerned at his frazzled state.

“If I clear it with Alfredo,would you mind helping me set up the bar? I wouldn’t ask but I’ve two off sick and the temp staff won’t be here for another couple of hours.”

“No problem. It would make a nice change.”

“Yeah, but you sure you’re ok being out in the bar?” Jim’s voice was a little on edge, a little tentative.

The subtext of his query was instantly clear. “It’s ok Jim. It’s fine. I can’t keep on living my life in fear anymore. He’s taken enough already.”

“But Finn… I don’t want to tread on anyone’s toes?”

“Jim, Finn’ll have to be fine. There’s nothing more we can do. I refuse to keep seeing shadows everywhere.”

“Rae.” Jim cleared the words sticking in his throat. “Have the police made any further progress on finding him yet?”

Rae shook her head as the disturbing numbness nudged her from inside. “Not really. Since he apparently hightailed it at night shortly after…after the boys found me, he’s not resurfaced. Never been back to work or anywhere it seems.” She sighed and exhaled slowly, keeping control of the panic that threatened.

“Apparently his mum’s on holiday - Tenerife or somewhere hot I think. She should be back in a few days and well…” She shrugged. “They’re not sure whether even she’s heard from him.”

“Oh Rae.” Jim put a comforting arm around her and rubbed her shoulder. “It’s hideous that this is still hanging over you.”

She nodded then swallowed. “It’s the not knowing that’s hardest. I still can’t quite cope with the thought that he could just appear anywhere, at anytime. I don’t know if I’m ready for…” She trailed off and screwed up her eyes momentarily.

Jim pulled her into an embrace. They stood still and silent amongst the backdrop of the whirlwind kitchen for a couple of minutes.

Some half hour later, Rae was still putting out glasses in the back-lit cabinets behind the bar, lining them up squarely.

“Jim, you okay? “ She enquired. “I mean it’s just you look really tired. I mean more than usual.” She took in the way he shut his eyes and stopped for a minute, head hanging. “Sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t mean to interfere.” She added.

Jim looked up at her. “It’s my sister.” His voice was low and contained. “She’s lost another one. The third this year.”

Rae looked a little puzzled but allowed him time.

“They’ve been married over 8 years now. Eight years of tests, trying and miscarriages. It’s so bloody unfair Rae. She’s utterly devastated. She actually made it past 12 weeks this time but it turns out this was yet another affected by our shitty genes.” He looked at her, eyes pained as he considered how much to divulge. He had already come this far, so he decided to continue.

“My mum and Izzy’s mum both carried it, but it was our grandmother who had terrible trouble. Of course they didn’t know what it was in those days.I don’t know much but I’m aware she had many miscarriages. They really thought they had done it this time but while they were waiting for the CVS result, she lost the baby.”

“Oh Jim, I am so sorry.” Rae hugged her boss as he started to cry quietly.

“You know Rae, sometimes you feel that life is going too well? I have a wonderful partner, a new home to look forward to. I know I’m still working as a bar manager but that’s a decision I have actively taken for the time being. I even sold a piece of music last week. But this.” He gesticulated randomly. “This just puts it all into perspective. All the things we simply take for granted. I mean we never know what is round the corner. There just seem to be so many downs.”

Rae nodded quietly. “I know Jim. I feel a bit like that about things with Finn. I can’t believe I met someone like Finn in the first place. Now we’re in a relationship, living together with all our friends nearby. But it’s like we’re living on borrowed time; like this is just a dream.” She stopped and bit her lip, aware that she may have said far more than she should have.

“Has Finn heard then?” Jim asked.

Rae shook her head. “Not yet. But it’s only a matter time. And, if what Lucy says is anything to go by, he’s going to get a place.”

“So you’re off to the big smoke then?”

“I…I don’t know . I suppose I could get a place on a course in London, and it’s not as if there aren’t a large number of teaching jobs there. Finn needs to follow his dream. He needs Art College. And I have to admit that I find the idea of London exciting.”

“I’m sensing a “but”.”

Rae nodded. “Yeah there is. It’s just…it’s just. I don’t know, Jim. I think I’m being really selfish. But I feel like I’m only just starting to settle down. I’ve moved around so much recently, there’s been a lot of change. And of course, I’d love to be in London, assuming Finn wants me to go with him.” She broke off, her voice suffused with emotion.

“Why wouldn’t Finn want you to go with him? He adores you. He loves you, Rae - anyone can see that. You’ve been through so much together already. “

“I know. I just think the last few months have taken it out of me. I’m being daft and over emotional. Must be my hormones.” She clapped her hand over her mouth. “Sorry.” She grimaced. “You probably didn’t want to hear that.”

Jim chuckled. “Rae, we’re friends. No - we’re more than that. We’re practically family, our little group. It’s fine. Now, please listen to me.” He tilted her chin up to ensure he had her attention.

“I’ll keep re-itering my mantra at you. You need to talk to Finn about how you feel. He may not get into college. But if he does, then I am sure you can discuss it and find a solution.”

“Jim - he’s going if he gets in. I will not let him lose sight of his dream. And I’ll happily follow him. I’m being silly.” She swallowed, staring off at some indeterminate picture hung on the wall in the distance.  Right now, we’re nearly done here. Do you want me to stay for a bit?”

Jim frowned at the rapid change of tack. “Umm yeah but shouldn’t you be…”

“Look, I’d do anything to have a few more minutes away from the shouting in the kitchen. Alfredo’s in a particularly vile mood today. He’ll probably get the underlings to scrub the floor with toothbrushes at this rate.” She joked.

************  
Finn sat behind the desk in S&N’s ludicrously untidy office and fingered the crumpled envelope in his pocket. It had been tormenting him for days now. He’d even dreamt about the damn thing waltzing through the air, flashing its verdict in neon lights. Yet despite it’s constant sly whispering to him, he still hadn’t been able to bring himself to open it and address the contents.

It was pathetic, really, he mused. He had worked incredibly hard on his portfolio and had slaved over a dissertation that had really stretched his mental capacities to the fullest. Nevertheless, he had carried that envelope in his jacket pocket for over a week now. He took a deep breath. It’s now or never, Nelson. Now or never. If he has to avoid anymore of Lucy’s calls, he really was going to be a shit friend. And he also had to consider his duty to Rae. The answer had the potential to shape their future and its potency terrified him.

And that the crux of the matter. He hadn’t really considered that he might actually be accepted, let alone contemplated the consequences that he could potentially have to face as a result. Even just the thought of more change caused the turmoil to rage within him once more. He felt dizzy and nauseous. In a gesture of defiance, he stood up, tossed his jacket on the floor and wandered out of the back door to light another cigarette.

Inhaling deeply, back pressed against the wall, he listened to the familiar hum of the machines, indicating that both Chop and Mike were working. He had an hour before his first booking of the day and he really should be putting the final touches to the sketches he had been working on.

Reluctantly, he traipsed back into the office, scuffing his boots along the floor. He retrieved the battered envelope from his inner pocket and stared at it for quite some time. A mixture of fear, excitement and nerves coursed through him. He took one final breath and tore it open, discarding the envelope directly onto the floor. His hands were shaking so much, it took quite some moments to unfurl the battered paper.

As he read the letter, his jaw dropped in disbelief. He read it a second and third time before collapsing into the chair. Head in his hands on the desk, the tears finally came.

Chop found him with his head on his arms, slumped on the desk when he had bustled through cheekily, hoping Finn would make his next cup of tea.

“Finn mate, what the fuck?” He asked rather chirpily.

There was no immediate response. It rapidly dawned on Chop that Finn was neither messing about nor hung over. He closed the door behind him and put the kettle on. From bitter experience, he had learnt that getting anything out of Finn was far easier with the backup of tea and cigs.

“Finny. Want to talk about it?”

Finn moved his head from side to side slowly.

Chop sighed and reverted to plan A. He put extra sugar in Finn’s cup. Whilst the liquid was brewing, he switched the radio on and thanked the gods of good fortune that Oasis was playing.

“Right now.” Chop plonked himself down on the desk next to Finn’s prone form. “I’ve made tea, ya div. So I suggest you get one down you and then you can tell me what on earth this is all about.”

When there was still no response, Chop proceeded to shock tactics. He rummaged in the one of the desk drawers and pulled out the emergency cigarettes. He had been trying to quit for good reasons but, with more than a little relish, he lit up. As he predicted Finn sat up, revealing his slightly reddened eyes.

“Fuck’s sake, Chop. Mike will do one if he catches you.”

“If he catches us, Finn.” Chop corrected, lighting a second and passing it to Finn.

Finn took a deep drag gratefully as Chop opened the window, blowing the smoke out. Finn followed suit, trying to put the pieces of himself back together again. They carelessly flicked the butts outside.

“Right then, knobhead.” Chop said handing Finn his mug of tea. “What’s this all about? Please tell me you haven’t had another row with Raemundo.”

Finn shook his head mutely and swallowed. “Art College.” He whispered.

“Oh shit, mate. I am sorry. Fucking twats don’t know what they’re missing out on. Don’t let them knock you, Finn. You are one of the most talented artists around. They’re probably too stuck up their own arses about Da Vinci and shit to recognise what’s right under their noses.” Chop put a soothing hand on Finn’s arm.

Finn stood stock still for a few seconds before the words would finally come out. “That’s not it Chopper.”

“You what? I don’t …..”

“Fucking offered me a place. Scholarship and all.” A crooked grin broke across Finn’s face.

“Holy shit! Come here you great numpty.” Chop threw his arms around Finn. “Suppose it were a bit of a shock mate. Well fucking done.” Chop hollered a few times and Finn couldn’t help but grin at his calls before his face fell again.

“Chop, you’ve got to keep this quiet. Promise?”

Chop frowned.

“I need to tell Rae in my own time.” Finn continued. “Oh fuck.” Finn let out a deep breath. “What the hell am I going to do?”

“Go to Art College? You do want to go don’t you? Because I’m going to be seriously pissed off if all that effort was for nothing Nelson.”

“Well yeah. I want to go. But it’s not that simple is it? I mean I’d have to move to London and …” Finn broke off and muttered a profanity under his breath.

“Mate, I’m sure Raemundo would be happy to go to London with you. That girl’s got it as bad as you have.”

“Yeah, but I can’t muck up her future, can I? She’s got her course starting soon and…”

“There will be the same sort of courses in London. I’m sure she could transfer.”

“London’s so expensive to live in.”

“You got a scholarship, Finn. Besides you can always moonlight here at weekends or back in Camden, if you’d prefer.”

“Suppose.”

“Rae will always find work in London. You know that. Quit with the excuses. What’s really bugging you?”

Finn’s nose twitched as tears pricked his eyes once more. He took a deep breath. “I can’t ask her to come with me.”

Chop stood in stunned silence.

“I just can’t Chop. I’m afraid she’ll come with me for the wrong reasons and then she’ll start to resent me for it.”

“You could see each other at weekends.” Chop flinched at his own words, cognizant that in light of their history, this was never a realistic option. “Sorry, that was a stupid idea.”

“..s’aright Chop. It’s just the police still haven’t tracked him down and I can’t. I just can’t tolerate not being around as much as she needs me. Besides, Rae’s got a great network up here - her mates, as much or as little work as she wants at the hotel, you lads at S&Ns, the charity shop, her mum only an hour away. I can’t take her away from all of that, can I?”

“Finn, it’s her decision. You’ll find a way. I’m sure you’ll both make friends easily in London and Lucy’s great. She’ll help yous settle in.”

Finn nodded. “I’ll talk to Rae.” Yet his tone was not very convincing.“Thanks Chop. I just don’t want to jeopardise all the progress we’ve made these last few weeks. I’ve been happy, properly happy for the first time in ages.”

Chop laughed. “You’ve got it bad. But it’s been a long time in the making. I knew you were in trouble the moment you two had an argument over tracks back at that party at ours.”

Finn’s face scrunched up. “But that was…”

“Before she even dated Mike, when you were still with Laura. She got under your skin, in a way I’ve never seen anyone affect you before. You ignored your girlfriend for over an hour, which if you don’t mind me saying was a bloody good thing. Stuck up bitch. Shame you didn’t dump her sooner.”

Finn started to laugh. “You never liked her did you?”

Chop shook his head. “But our Raemundo’s a top lass. And I know you make each other very happy.” Chop grinned toothily before an unusual expression crossed his face; one which made him look like he had something most unpalatable in his mouth. “Actually mate, I feel a bit awkward bringing this up, but Izz’s not been well. Throat infection. It’s making her rather tired. You errr…you couldn’t keep it down a bit could you? The other morning was a bit…”

Finn blushed deeply, comprehending that, for once, Chop was being serious. “Sorry.Things got a bit urmm…”

“Doesn’t matter. Just for Izz, you understand.”

Finn nodded and Chop clapped him on the back before making his way back out to his studio.

*********  
Finn had arrived home full of good intentions that evening, ready to talk to Rae, forgetting that she was working a double shift. Despite his initial enthusiasm waning, he still planned to talk to her as soon as she arrived; for them to discuss Art College and what that could mean for both of them.

When Jim finally dropped Rae off, she was beyond drained and fell asleep on the sofa whilst Finn was making her toast and tea. He hadn’t the heart to wake her. Instead he chose to curl up next to her, headphones on, covering them both with a fleece blanket that he found in the back of his wardrobe.

The second evening, he was even more resolute. Chop had whisked Izzy off to face some family crisis of hers, or so he’d said; so at least they would have the place to themselves. But this time Rae had come home, full of apologies that she was going out with Chloe, who had been let down by Izzy. So he had been forced to spend the evening alone with his thoughts. As much as he tried to downplay his fears, he became increasingly fretful and antsy as the night wore on, convincing himself that there was no solution to the conundrum that faced them.

Rae came home at one in the morning to find Finn passed out in an armchair, The Smiths blaring from the decks. There was a small collection of beer cans on the table and his boots were discarded on the floor. Despite the fact she’d probably had one too many, something unsettled her about the whole scene. She had discerned that Finn had been somewhat on edge for a number of days; he hadn’t been sleeping well, he’d not been eating, and he had also been too quiet for her liking.

She vowed to talk to him in the morning and covered him with the blanket that was still downstairs from the previous evening, dropped a kiss on his forehead and wearily wandered upstairs to bed.

The following morning, she woke to the gentle strains of Otis Redding and lazily opened her eyes to find Finn, stark naked, blowing smoke out of the window. There was something about the way the light caught his perfect arse that sparked her imagination. It hadn’t been long before she’d crept out of bed and started to dance behind him in her shorts and vest. He’d quickly put his cigarette out, taken her in his arms and started dancing around the room.

That morning they made love, slowly and deliberately. She felt the change in his body, the tension, a hint of pain, and the way he wanted her to be as close to him as possible. She’d understood his unspoken need for physical comfort and touch. She’d known that today wasn’t going to be the day either.

***************  
Three days later and the house was filled with giggles and screams and, much to Rae’s disgust, the sound of the Spice Girls. However, a small chuckle escaped her throat when she imagined the look on Finn’s face were he to walk in at that precise moment.

The lounge floor was a mess. There were bags, clothes, hats and shoes strewn everywhere. There were at least two dusty tents in their wrappings and three sleeping bags airing from some long forgotten trip the boys had taken. And there was one giant inflatable dolphin. Rae shook her head at the sight and wandered upstairs to see what on earth Chloe and Izzy were doing now. They should have left at least an hour ago but Chloe had been inimitability late and then proceeded to unpack her car to show Izzy the contents.

“Come on girls, get a move on, I don’t want to miss out on any of the music.” She chided with a tetchy edge to her voice.

“It doesn’t matter if we don’t get there right at the start, Rae. Everyone knows they put the most irrelevant acts on the Thursday afternoon.” Chloe responded with a flick of the eyebrows.

“Says the experienced festival goer.” Rae snarked rolling her eyes.

“Girls, please. Oh…” Izzy broke off and put her head in her hands.

“Izz?” Chloe and Rae chimed in together, quarrel forgotten as concern for their friend took over.

“I’m okay. Just a bit dizzy. It’s ummm….these antibiotics I am taking for an ear infection. Make me feel a bit odd and, I hate to say it, but I’m not supposed to drink on them. Suppose I’ve ruined the festival now, haven’t I?”

“Of course not.” Chloe responded, rubbing her friend’s back softly.

They sat for a few minutes, until Izzy sat up, looking pale and shaken.

“Look Izz, are you sure you’re up to going?” Rae asked. “I mean camping’s hardly conducive to a good night’s sleep, or anything really, when you’re not feeling great.”

“I’m fine.” Izzy stated firmly. “Let’s make a move. I’m sure I’ll feel fine again in a minute.” Her tone was authoritative and self assured, so the others left it.

Getting everything in the car proved far trickier than any of them had expected. Chloe had packed for at least a week, and they were taking the food supplies for the entire group, as well as the inflatable dolphin. The latter ended up on Izzy’s lap in the back seat. Even though Chloe was driving and everyone knows the driver has first dibs on music, Rae commandeered the stereo, determined not to be aurally assaulted by any more shite.

“What’s the Story Morning Glory” was her first choice. Even Chloe sang along to Wonderwall and they laughed and giggled together, before realising that Izzy was sound asleep and snoring gently.

“You think she’s ok, Rae? I mean, you practically live with her?”

Rae sighed. “There’s no practically about it, Chlo. It’s my home now.” Chloe smiled and opened her mouth but Rae beat her to it. “She has been a bit off colour for a few days, but I remember mum being on some strong antibiotics for a while, they actually made her really sick. They were pretty grim, but they did sort the problem out. Poor thing. We’ll just have to take good care of her.”

Chloe nodded. “And how are things with Finn?you two seem really settled now?”

A flash of the other evening whipped up the disquiet once more. But Rae berated herself for being over sensitive and spouted rather too cheerfully, “Well, yeah. It’s a bit like living in student digs though!”

Chloe laughed. “Bet Chop can be a bit of nightmare.”

“Well, he is very much a boy; hopelessly untidy, leaves the toilet seat up, drinks milk straight from the carton - mind you Finn does that too. Bet Mike is far more civilised to live with!”

Chloe blushed. “He’s heavenly, Rae. I mean he’s so neat and he loves cleaning and cooking. I’ve landed on my feet there.” Chloe took a breath. “Actually, sometimes I wonder what I’ve done to deserve someone as wonderful as him.”

“Well, let’s think about it. You’re kind, you’re funny, you’re one of the prettiest girls I know…you’re clever and motivated. And let’s not forget you’re an amazing mate.”

“Aww Rae. You know I’m so bloody pleased you’re back. And not just that. It seems you’ve really moved on too.”

Rae couldn’t help but smile. “I think I have. Thanks to all of you.”

“With special thanks to Finn, of course.” Chloe added.

“I am bloody lucky to have met him.”

“Don’t forget he’s lucky to have met you too.”

“I suppose. I still find it hard to think that way sometimes. He’s just so bloody gorgeous it does my head in.”

“So are you, Rae. I bet Finn will have a heart attack when he sees your outfit for tomorrow night.”

It was Rae’s turn to blush. “I don’t think Mike’s going to cope any better with yours!”

The banter continued for a bit until Rae switched CDs and they started singing along to Ocean Colour Scene.

**************  
As the girls had arrived relatively early, they only had a short distance to walk from the car to the campsite. Nonetheless, it took several trips to shift all the stuff to their designated plots. It was already quite warm and Chloe opened the cool box and tossed Rae a can of Fosters before sitting down on the grass.

“Right. I say we start with the beer now.” She said tapping, then opening her can.

“Shouldn’t we put the tents up first?” Izzy asked.

“Nah, the boys can sort that out. You sure you don’t want one?” Chloe proffered a can towards Izzy.

“Better not. Might try one a bit later. Stupid pills.” Izzy cursed.

“I think we’d better cover this lot up.” Rae gesticulated at the pile of food and coolbox.

“Alright then. What do you suggest we use?”

“Just watch and learn girls, watch and learn.” Rae tried, but failed, in her imitation of Chop. But it had the desired effect as Izzy started to laugh heartily.

She pulled a tent out of the bag, unfurled the musty, crumpled fabric, contorting her face when she sniffed it.

“Fucking hell. I can’t imagine when or what this was last used for.” She declared.

“Think that one was Charlie’s.” Izzy replied.

“Well that’s just lovely. Suppose this is mine, right?” Rae raised her eyebrows.

Izzy nodded her head as a giggle escaped her mouth.

“Oh well.” Rae shook out the folds of fabric and lay it on the ground, unzipped the entrance and started stuffing items inside the fabric. She was nearly done when Chloe piped up

“What’s the inflatable dolphin for?”

“I dunno. I just thought Sid might make sleeping more comfortable.” Izzy replied.

“Sid?” Rae snorted, inhaling some of her beer.

“Sid.” Said Izzy firmly, trying to keep a straight face.

The trio collapsed into fits of laughter and were still sitting on the floor, clutching at their sides, making silly jokes and trying to talk in “Sid style” voices some ten minutes later.

When they eventually made their way out of the camping field towards the main festival arena, they were in exceedingly high spirits and attracting a fair bit of attention. Chloe was wearing the shortest of skirts, teamed with a vest and coordinating flats. Izzy was wearing a dungaree style dress with her hair coiled into small buns all over her head. Rae wore her leggings, converse, a short denim skirt and a flannel shirt with a vest underneath airing some of her more than ample cleavage.

The site was far larger than any of them had anticipated. There were three main stages, a number of smaller stages and numerous side-tents. Flags were waving lightly in the breeze, there were signs and wild and exotic merchandise everywhere. Their noses told of the of the many types of food on offer, some of which the girls couldn’t even name. People were milling about, wandering in small groups or chatting loudly in large ones. The colours were bright, opulent and almost garish. It took quite sometime for the conflicting senses of exuberance and being overwhelmed to settle sufficiently for the girls to actually decide what to do.

In the end, they plumped for enjoying the sun a little way back from the main stage. Close enough so that Rae could hear, far enough that they could sit. Having happily listened through a reasonable, but not earth-shattering set (according to Rae), they wandered off for refreshments and food. At some point they were waylaid and thoroughly distracted by a wandering magician who made them gasp in awe and laugh in equal measures.

It wasn’t long before they found the second stage and Rae persuaded the girls to stay to listen to one of the bands she had actually heard of who were playing that day. Izzy and Chloe weren’t that interested but the atmosphere was enticing; people were dancing and singing, some on groups, some with their arms around each other.

Rae was a little disappointed at the band and spent at least 10 minutes spouting off about how derivative their riffs were and how mainstream their lyrics. Thankfully Izzy found this funny and Chloe wandered off to buy her another beer to calm her down.

Chloe came back full of chatter about some group of blokes she had had to give the brush off to. Having played mum and made Rae drink some of her beer, the group settled down to watch some unknown band. They turned out to be surprisingly good. So good, that the girls made their way through the growing mass into the mid ranks where there was enough room to dance comfortably. They completely lost track of time as they danced in every combination possible.

It was only when Izzy said she needed to sit down again that Chloe looked at her watch.

“Oh shit.” She exclaimed, biting her lip and trying to suppress a cheeky grin.

“What?” Izzy asked.

“It’s half eight.” Chloe raised her eyebrows.

“Oh bollocks. Weren’t we meant to meet the others at…” Rae frowned trying to recall.

“Half seven. At the main entrance.” Chloe started to look a bit sheepish.

“Pants. I really can’t be bothered to move.” Izzy genuinely sounded a little jaded.

“Suppose we’d better make a move. Here Izz.” Rae extended her arm up and helped her friend to her feet.

What the girls hadn’t considered was how difficult it would be to navigate a busy festival in the half light when you have no real idea where you’re going. Their journey was littered with every sort of sensory distraction: visual, aural and oral. By the time they made it to the main gate, it was nearly 9pm and the boys were nowhere to be seen. None of them had any useful suggestions as they hadn’t a single mobile between them. Panic began to slowly set in as it became darker every minute.

They looked around a few nearby stalls - those that sold beer and food, but there was joy. Chloe suggested that they go back to their pitch. They arrived to their flat lump amongst a sea of erected tents. Rae began to worry that Izzy was actually going to cry and even Chloe had lost most of her steam. She took some deep steadying breaths, as some of her old fears started to resurface. She shook her head and pursed her lips in thought before deciding to take them all back to the main entrance, strongly refuting Chloe’s suggestion that they should split up.

They arrived to find the gate thronging with people. Try as they might, they could not catch sight of the boys. Izzy had sat down on a damp patch of grass while Rae and Chloe scouted the thronging bodies.  Suddenly, a strong pair of arms wrapped around Rae from behind.

“Where’ve you been, Mae?” His tone verging on accusatory. “Thank fuck. Thank fuck.” Finn muttered in much lower, quieter voice.

She turned and immediately buried her head in his shoulder, inhaling deeply. He rocked her gently from side to side, allowing her time to calm herself. When she finally extricated herself from his warm embrace, she found Archie and Jim holding hands, Mike protectively embracing Chloe and Izzy in Chop’s arms.

“We’ve been so worried Rae. What happened?” Archie asked earnestly.

“I…we lost track of time. Shit. I’m so sorry; it was nine by the time we made it back here and then we went back to the campsite and….”

“We went to the campsite.” Chop sounded a little angry. “But my red tent was nowhere to be seen. My lucky festival favourite that one. You can’t miss it, bright red with two black crosses on the side. Saved me from many an embarrassing trip into someone else’s tent..” Chop trailed off.

“You didn’t put the tents up, did you?” Mike asked.

The girls all shook their heads.

“Oh. Well, that makes sense then.” Jim stated. “That’d better be our first job then. We’ve put up ours and Mike’s.”

Rae was silently thankful that a potentially awkward situation had been so quickly diffused by Jim’s quick words. For while she could only guess at Chop and Mike’s concerned reactions, Finn’s could be potentially volatile if it concerned her safety.

They walked back to the campsite, a little subdued, their earlier euphoria having evaporated into the night sky. The boys shifted their pile of belongings and managed to squeeze the extra tents into a small gap next to the existing two. Jim sensibly suggested that they sort their things out, get changed and they could hit the mainstage just in time to catch the headline act.

Rae saw little point in getting changed but dutifully stowed her bag in the tent.

“Jesus it flipping reeks in here.” She exclaimed a little heatedly.

And that’s when she heard Finn’s laugh,which made her realise how quiet he had been. He had not uttered a word since wrapping his arms around her.

“It’s pretty vile.” He replied nodded a small smile playing on his lips.

It was then Rae realised that Jim’s suggestion had been far more about giving the couples a few quiet moments to recuperate and regather, as opposed to being about their attire.

“Come here.” She whispered.

He shuffled forward on his knees and was taken aback when she threw her arms around him, peppering his face with kisses. It wasn’t long before she had pressed her lips firmly against his and was snogging him. Somehow, he ended up on his back underneath her, his hand in her hair, a leg anchored around her waist, groaning into the kiss.

“For fuck’s sake.” Chops head poked in and quickly zipped up the entrance again.

Finn began to laugh and rolled Rae off him.

“Suppose we’d better get out there then Mae.”

“Oh.” She pouted a little, rolling her lower lip down as she tried to give him her best puppy dog eyes.

“To be continued.” He whispered in her ear, unzipping the tent and ferreting his way out

************  
Making their way towards the mainstage, the group’s flagging spirits were revived by the sights, sounds and smells of a festival in its infancy. Despite the girl’s previous perceptions, Thursday was a quiet night and not overly busy. The bulk of people would arrive the following day.

Finn had been the one who really wanted to see the set. They were a new indie band, who had received rather mixed reviews in the press. Yet they surprised the entire audience by opting for an acoustic set, which highlighted their musical abilities to the full. The whole gang really enjoyed the performance, but especially Jim, who could appreciate the technical difficulties inherent in the subtleties of the performance. Rae and Finn watched in silence; fingers interlocked and her head on his shoulder. Periodically he would pull her in for a hug and she would bump against him, revelling in the solid security of his body.

Archie, Mike and Chloe were desperate to go to the second stage at midnight where the dance music was playing. Chop made some rather flimsy excuses on behalf of him and Izzy, who was looking pretty tired, and they wandered back towards the campsite hand in hand. Rae was about to follow the group heading off to dance when she realised Finn wasn’t at her side. She turned round to find him, deep in contemplation of the smoke he was exhaling. Whilst this was not necessarily a bad omen, his posture coupled with his demeanor over the last couple of hours unsettled her. She wandered back towards him and, not wishing to startle him, softly placed a hand on his upper arm.

“Hey dickhead. You not up for a bit of drum n’ bass then?”

He raised his eyebrows. “And she thinks she’s got good taste in music.”

“Ha ha, grumpy. If we get a wriggle on we should be able to catch the others up before we lose them to the crowd.”

Finn’s answer was to remain on the spot, rocking from his heels to his toes and back again.

“Okay. You’re going to have to help me a little more than that. You’ve hardly said two words all evening. I’m so sorry we lost track of time and mucked up the plans earlier.” She paused, trying to choose her words carefully. “I expect that must have unnerved you in light of everything that happened. I know I should have brought my mobile and ….”

“Damn right you should have done, Mae. I was really worried, as were Mike and Chop. Chop was practically tearing his hair out.” He stated cooly.

His eyes remained cast to the floor.

“That’s not all of it though, is it? You’ve been quiet for the last few days, Finn. Have I done something? Have you had enough of…”

“No.” His tone firm and assured. “Not at all girl. But we need to talk.”

She nodded and made to sit down on the grass. But he held out his hand. “Not here Mae, not here.”

He led her off to the edge of the site, finally locating a small gate hidden behind the multitude of performers vehicles and equipment trailers roughly behind the main stage. They started to walk through the long grass of a meadow, away from the festival. In the distance Rae could see some fairy lights hanging in the trees and could just about make out voices.

They arrived at the edge of large lake, lit only by the the moon.

“Oh Finn. It’s so beautiful.”

He nodded mutely and started to fiddle in his pocket for a lighter.

“How did you…” She trailed off as she caught site of the reflection of the fairy lights in the distance.

“I suppose there are some perks to having dated a performer.” He winced as soon as the words left his lips and his right boot kicked his left.

Rae’s face fell. “Laura’s band played here?”

He nodded towards the lights. “The artists get to use the lake to swim in and that’s a bit of a chill out zone. Though Laura never came here herself. Always liked to be in thick of the big backstage parties.”

“Right.” Rae’s voice was timid and nervous.

“I’ve never been this way before.” He said interlacing their fingers and leading them further away from the lights and voices.

They trekked through the long grass, not without the occasional stumble accompanied by some muttered profanity, finally reaching some trees. Finn found a relatively flat patch in a dip near the water’s edge. He sat down and motioned for Rae to follow him.

She sat down apprehensively, her heart heavy in her chest, and watched the familiar tick in his right hand.

“For fuck’s sake, just have a cigarette will you. Your twitching is making me nervous.”

He shook his head, he had to get this over and done with. It had festered for long enough and was only getting worse with each passing day, hour, and minute.

“I’ve been offered a place at Art College.” He blurted out.

“Oh my god, Finn, that’s wonderful. I knew you’d do it.” Rae replied, flinging her arms around him and kissing him in joyous rapture.

Not feeling the usual response, she pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“What’s going on, Finn? I thought you’d be over the moon. You’ve achieved your dream. You should be so damn proud of yourself.”

“Mae, don’t you get it?” He said, seeking something in her face. “College is in London.”

Her brow furrowed. “Duh, obviously.”  Then her face fell as the worms of doubt began to burrow in. “What the fuck are you trying to tell me?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek, reaching for her hand. He took a deep breath and swallowed. “I err, it’s not that simple is it, Mae?”

She stared at him in stunned silence as the worms burrowed deeper.

“I… I can’t ask you to come with me, Mae. That wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be right. You have a life in Lincoln now: friends, a job, a course coming up, Kester and your family near by. I can’t take you away from all of that. That’s not my decision.”

She bit her lip to quell the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. “Are you trying to say you don’t want me to come to London?”

He shook his head vehemently. “Jesus, no Mae. No. I need you by my side, girl. Please don’t think that.” But he never met her eyes.

“I don’t get it, Finn. What’s the problem? I’m sure I can transfer onto a course in London. There’s plenty of work there.” She rushed through her words, unable to cope with the discomfort.

“I…you see.” He stuttered. “I’m not going to take up the place.”

Her eyes widened and her jaw clenched. “You have got to be fucking joking.”

His stony silence and the way he bit his cuticle told her otherwise.

“I don’t believe this, Finn. I simply don’t get it. You’re being ridiculous.”  She saw the way he collapsed a little to the side furthest from her, and she reached out her hand putting over his, fearing that he was closing off from her.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so dismissive. I just don’t really understand, Finn.” Her voice waivered.

They sat in silence as she stroked the back of his hand, waiting for him to find the words that were eluding him. He stared off into the distance and chewed the inside of his cheek for quite some minutes before swallowing dryly.

“I’ve been thinking Mae. A lot. I mean, I’m going to be a mature student, which in itself isn’t a problem. But I’m not sure how it’s going to add to my life. I mean, I’ve got a job that I enjoy and don’t really want to give up. I’ve got mates up here, a home. And I’d like to think you’re going to be a long term part of my life. And yeah, college will be interesting and possibly fun and I can see it might bring a new dimension to my work. But I can’t see myself becoming a full time “artist”, I mean, I am sort of one already. It’s not going to help me earn any more money; in fact, even with the scholarship it’s going to to cost a hell of a lot…”

“You…you won a scholarship?”  Her eyes were wide, her mouth hung a little agape as she tried to process this unexpected information.

He nodded, a slight blush tinging his skin.

“Finn, it’s your dream. And I am sure we can make everything work. I would, as you put it, want to be a long term part of your life. I want to be there for you to share and celebrate the good times. But I also intend to be there for the harder times; to comfort and hold you. I need you, Finn. And if that means that we have to live in London for a while, then so be it.” The wobble in her voice betrayed something else.

“But your friends, your family….I can’t ask that…” His face scrunched up as he ran a hand through his hair.

“I want to. More than anything. It’s my decision. You know that compromise is a really important part of any relationship. And perhaps this is my turn to do so.”

“But I don’t want you to compromise on anything, Mae. I want it all to be just right for you.” He picked up her hand; his thumb traced small circles on the back of it.

“Then don’t you dare give up on your dream. We will work through this. There has to be a way.” She looked up, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, to find him gazing at her, his posture finally softening.

“We could always come home to Lincoln for weekends.”

He was smiling now, albeit a small smile, not one that lit up his face.

“Or, you could just stay down there during the week?”

He pulled a face. “I’d miss you like crazy. I’d miss you way too much, Mae.” He said shaking his head resolutely. “Simply not an option.”

He wrapped her in his arms. “I want to come home to you, not some empty flat.” He whispered. “I need you. I love you Mae, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. If we can just talk and be honest about our feelings, I think we could make anything work, girl.”

She smiled. “I know if we keep talking honestly, we’ll find a way,, Finn. I promise. ” She stroked his back reassuringly.

They settled, lying on the ground; her head on his chest, his hand softly stroking her hair.

“Why is being an adult so bloody hard, Finn? Why can’t decisions be easier? I mean, when I was younger I thought it would be so straightforward; just having to make decisions for yourself. Maybe…maybe I just thought I would never never be in the position where I would put someone else’s needs up there alongside mine.” She mused and let her words rest in the air alongside them.

She felt the movement from Finn’s chest as he worked his way towards articulating that which was on his lips but just wouldn’t quite come out.

“I suppose, until I met you I never really understood what that meant either. Being with you has…has changed my whole outlook on life. You are the most important person in my life, Mae. With you at my side, I see things differently now. I know it sounds silly, but I care so much more about everything and everyone.”  He stroked her hair then held her head to his chest, breathing deeply and evenly, enjoying the silence and the weight of his admission.

“Actually girl, you sure Izz is ok? She hasn’t seemed herself.I know Chop mentioned she has a throat infection.”

“Ear infection.” Rae corrected. “I think the antibiotics are making her feel rough.”

Finn frowned. He was sure of what Chop had said. He shook his head at himself and parked the information away, not wishing to disrupt this precious time.

“Chop’s not always right.” He said. “Mind you, he was right about us making London work.” The words slipped from his lips without thought.

Rae’s whole body tensed. “What? What did you just say?”

Finn was slow on the uptake. “Chop was right about us making London work.”

“Finn.” Her voice was cold. “How long have you know about the offer from Art college?”

“Dunno. I was too scared to open the letter for days, but I might have opened it a couple of days ago.” His words disappeared into a swallowed whisper.

“You told Chop before me, didn’t you?” Her tone was both accusatory and inflammatory.

“I…I err.”

“Don’t lie to me. Deny it, Finn! You told him first.”

“I…he just sort of…” He understood it was hopeless and he bit his lip hard in response.

Rae sprung to her feet, stepping back from Finn.

“Rae, come here, please. Let me explain.”

“Fuck you. All that bullshit about being honest and me being the most important person in your life. And yet you can’t share one of the most important things with me without discussing it with your mates first. That disgusts me.” She turned her back and started walking back towards the main festival site.

“Rae, Rae please don’t go. Please. I’m sorry.” He ran behind her.

“I don’t want to hear it right now, Finn. I want to go back to the tent and get some sleep.”

“I can’t let you walk on your own. You know I ….”

“Fine, walk me back then.” Her voice continued to be replete with ire yet it had softened ever so slightly.

Once in the tent, she slid into her sleeping bag fulled clothed and turned her herself to face the tent wall. She tossed and turned for quite some time, mulling over her words, wondering where he was, how much he was drinking and smoking. She woke around four, thinking she’d only been asleep for a few minutes, to hear him getting into his sleeping bag and settling down. She was restless for quite some time thereafter, finally falling into a deep slumber just before dawn broke.

************  
Rae awoke to the smell of breakfast being cooked nearby and the sound of her friends voices chattering excitedly outside the tent. She opened her eyes to find that her treacherous body had curled around Finn unbidden in her sleep. She recognised that, whilst she was still hacked off with him, she could partially comprehend the his actions. Finn needed to talk things through slowly with someone to understand his own feelings sometimes. And she surmised that he had probably wished to be certain of his own thoughts on the matter before trying to factor in her wishes.

All the same, the sense of betrayal lingered in the fetid air. She was most certainly distressed and pissed off. Yet, their work on their communication was still in its infancy; the space and tempo were still erratic and yet to be properly discovered. This wasn’t a deal breaker. There would be no flouncing off, no cutting off her nose to spite her face. Talking very much remained his weak point,but she estimated his sessions with Kester were still affecting him; he was still prone to night waking, intense moods and patches of being withdrawn. And, she didn’t want to ruin the weekend either. This was the new her. The one prepared to face issues head on. She wasn’t going to internalise her problems or run away.

She slung an arm around Finn and leaned over and pecked him briefly on the cheek. A grumble escaped from his throat, which he then had to clear.

“Oh Mae, you’re, you’re still here.” His voice was gravelly and distorted.  “Thank god. I thought I was going to wake up to find you gone.” He mumbled. “I’m sorry. I really should have told you first.”

“Yes, you should. We do need to talk about art college and more importantly why you felt you couldn’t tell me, but let’s enjoy the weekend first. Once we get home, we’ll sit down and you’re going to have to face up to it, Finn.” She said quietly

“I’ve been a right dickhead.”

“Yes you have. You still are king dickhead and it doesn’t impress me. But right now I just want…” She broke off, aware of movement outside the tent.

Finn tried to roll over, but the feat was harder than anticipated in his cocoon style sleeping bag and he inadvertently ended up toppling forwards such that his head was pressed against her chest. His lips moved as if of their own accord against the silky skin above her vest top.

“Finn.” She murmured as he freed a hand and caressed the sensitive bud over the thin fabric.

Her breath caught distinctly in her throat, and that was sufficient for him to roll himself onto her, whilst simultaneously trying to free himself from the constraints of the bag. His attempts had only been partially successful as he ended up with the thing rumpled around his hips.

He brushed her hair from her eyes and leant down to kiss her chastely, his eyes a mixture of concern and lust. His head dipped lower again and he pulled her bottom lip between his. He trailed kisses down her neck and, balancing on his right arm, his left hand exposed her lacey underwear. As his mouth met the hard nub of her nipple under the lace of her bra, her hand brushed his crotch most deliberately. Forgetting where they were, he groaned rather loudly, pressing himself against her hand.

“Ummm.” she responded.

Suddenly,a hand appeared in the sidewall of the tent. “You dirty fuckers. We’re all out here having breakfast.” Chop yelled.

Mike’s laughter could be heard along with Chloe and Izzy’s giggles.

“Bollocks.” Finn stated, before he too started to laugh.

Rae’s skin flushed into a beautiful rosy pink hue and she clapped her hands over her eyes.

“Come on. Think we ought to show our faces.” He said.

She scrunched her nose at him. “To be continued.” She whispered in his ear, placing her hand over the very evident bulge in his jeans and made her way out of the tent.

*************

Rae, Chloe and Izzy lay stretched out on the shore of the lake. Having checked out the programme, there was nothing much on until the afternoon. It was a warm, sunny day, if a little humid. The communal showers most definitely hadn’t appealed. And so the boys were taking a swim in the cold water.

Chloe adjusted her bikini to expose as much skin as possible and smoothed down her hair.

“Feeling any better this morning, Izz?”

“Yeah thanks. I slept surprisingly well last night propped up between Chop and Sid.”

Chloe laughed.

“You mean to say that Sid cock blocked Chop?” Rae asked.

“Oh my god Rae.” Izzy giggled. “You can’t ask that!”

“Ignore her.” Chloe said. “She’s just miffed as breakfast interrupted her and Finn.”

“Oi.” Rae grinned elbowing Chloe.

Rae pulled out a book and read for a few minutes whilst the the others sunbathed. She was getting really into the plot, turning the pages faster and faster, skimming lines trying to work out what was coming next when she was interrupted from her reverie by a low drawn out, “oh my god” from Chloe.

She raised her eyebrows and turned her head to find Chloe and Izzy sitting up utterly engrossed in something in the middle distance. When she caught sight of what they were staring at, she too sat up. For there in the shallows were all five boys, shirtless and having a waterfight in their shorts; shouting and laughing.

“Aren’t we just the luckiest girls?” Izzy said. “Our men have all got such incredible bodies.”

Chloe nodded and Rae grinned. Izzy was right. They all looked great without their shirts. Chop may have been leaner than Finn and Mike, but he his torso was well defined with a couple of tattoos. Even at this distance, she could recognize which Finn had done, and which were Mike’s.

She looked at Archie and Jim who seemed to be having some sort of private war that was developing into wrestling; wet smooth bodies struggling against one another.

“God, Archie’s got a tattoo on his back. I never knew that.” Izzy stated.

“One of Finn’s.” Rae replied.

Izzy nodded without taking her eyes off the horse play that continued in the water.

“Jim is really quite ripped. You’d never know that he was hiding that under his clothes.” Chloe observed.

“Yeah. He’s bloody fit.” Rae quipped.

“Urghhhh. You can’t say that.” Izzy pulled a face. “He’s my cousin.”

The trio started to giggle and talk about unexpected parts of their boyfriend’s bodies they liked such as forearms, feet and necks. They lay back down to bask in the sun when the game showed no sign of abating, Chloe leaning on one elbow on her side.

Suddenly, she grabbed Rae’s arm. Rae sat up and saw what Chloe had seen: Mike and Finn wrestling over a ball, muscling tensing and flexing. She pulled her sunglasses down her nose to get a better view and exhaled “Jesus” under her breath at the sight. Chloe was still fanning her face with her hand as the pair tumbled into the water. They continued to stare in fascination as the five of them made it to shore where a large group of girls had gathered.

Even though none of the five paid the group any attention, the girls quickly swarmed round the men in obvious attempts to make conversation. Archie had an arm around Jim, who stood back a little. Mike and Chop appeared to be making polite conversation and Finn was looking bored and disinterested, gazing at the floor.

One girl put a hand on Mike’s arm. Rae looked at Chloe, who neither looked surprised nor upset.

“Doesn’t it get to you, Chloe?” Izzy asked. “Sometimes it really bugs me when customers at the shop ask Chop out.”

Chloe shook her head. “It did to start with. But not anymore. I know he loves me and is not interested in anyone else, so there’s nothing to be jealous of.”

As if on cue, Mike took a step back from the girls, hands held up a little. Rae looked away, smiling as she comprehended just how good Mike had been for Chloe, as a year ago, this would have probably evoked an ugly or tearful scene. But not anymore. She was emotionally stronger and more confident in herself. As she turned back to observe, she flinched, noticing Finn’s unnaturally stiff posture with his arms folded in front of his chest as a small group of girls blocked his way to follow Jim and Archie back to where they were sitting.

She had no doubts about what Finn would do in this sort of situation, but his obvious discomfort upset her. She was relieved when Chop grabbed him and marched him back. Mike just followed up the rear pointing towards them, making the situation perfectly clear.

As Chloe and Izzy passed towels to Mike and Chop, she handed Finn his cigarettes and lighter first. He looked a little puzzled and then pulled her in for a hug, holding her close, forgetting about his dripping wet shorts.

As he pulled back, he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip in a futile attempt at holding back a laugh.

“Sorry Mae…I got you a bit wet.” She looked down at the wet patch on her leggings.

“Thank you very much Finn.” Her hands on her hips, voice laced with sarcasm. “Looks I’ve pissed myself.”

“You said it.” He smirked and she laughed.

He stepped away from the group to sit down and light up. After the first drag, he lay on his back, one arm folded behind his head and she unceremoniously plopped herself next to him.

His eyes were shut as he brought the white tip back to his lips. Bewitched by his now familiar technique, Rae wanted to lean forward and run her finger over the full pout of those lips. Her eyes lingered over the patterns on his arms, particularly the smooth skin of the inner upper arm which was so perfectly exposed by his pose. Then her gaze wandered down the contours of his chest and over his stomach, coming to rest on the top most portion of his other tattoo. His skin was still glistening with water. She had to sit on her right hand to prevent herself from reaching out to touch it; not now, not here.

“You’re the only one allowed to go there girl.” He said confidently.

“Err, I dont know what you’re talking about.” She said flicking her hair over her shoulder nonchalantly.

“I saw you Mae. You can’t deny it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was actually looking at your tattoo from an artistic perspective and thinking that somehow it seems a little unbalanced, a little incomplete.”

Abruptly, Finn sat bolt upright and looked down his own abdomen stretching the skin with one hand. “Actually, I’ve been thinking that myself for quite sometime. It’s a bit odd really. The way it strays off to one side like that in such a low shape. It feels like it should either spread over both sides or become part of a larger piece up my torso on one side. But I can never make up my mind which so I just keep leaving it.”

“Lie down again Finn.”

He pulled a face. “I’m really not sure what the others would…”

“Stuff the others. They seem to think you’re trying to get in my knickers every five minutes.”

“Well they wouldn’t be wrong.”

Emboldened by Finn’s confident and public statement, she gently pushed him back and knelt alongside his body, trying to visualise the two possible extensions to the existing artwork. Finn lay bemused in the sun until he felt Rae’s fingers on his stomach. His mouth opened as he shivered, eyes wide.

“If it were me, I would probably stretch it upwards to give it more shape and definition.” She said, moving her fingers up his torso. “But I would also make it much wider across the bottom to provide a better foundation and more symmetry.” She added, tracing her fingers on the virgin skin above his shorts.

Finn’s breath hitched in his throat and in one swift moment he tossed his cigarette aside and rolled onto his stomach, shutting his eyes.

“Finn?” She asked concerned, placing a hand on his warm back.

“Sorry girl, I’ve got to ask you to stop touching me, otherwise I’m never going to get rid of it.”

Her face crumpled in confusion. And he beckoned her a little closer with his fingers. “I err, I had to tuck the damn thing in the waistband of my pants to get out of the fucking tent this morning. It took the best part of an hour to go down. And you’ve just set me off again. You’re fucking incorrigible.”

The small laugh in Rae’s throat built up into something she had to swallow back.

“It’s not bloody funny. We can’t get a moment’s peace around here.” Finn grumbled.

Rae knelt down and placed her mouth next to her ear. “I’m sure I can sort it out later Finn. Think you deserve special congratulations for being such a clever boy.” She teased, her breath hot in his ear.

She kissed down his neck , nipping at spot below his ear, which was especially sensitive. The strangled noise he tried to cover up with a cough stirred something within her. And she too was in trouble. Quickly, she stood up and rejoined her friends.

“What’s got into him this morning?” Jim asked.

“Oh you know.” Rae shrugged. “Just trying to get a tan.”

“Sounds like plan. And it’s so much quieter and less overlooked than the main site. I’m going to stay a bit longer. Anyone else care to join me?” Archie asked.

Chloe and Mike stayed with Finn and Archie as the others made their way back to the campsite.

*********  
Mike was contentedly ambling along with Finn and Chop, having gone for a daylight tour of the main site. He was having a great time. Festivals like this weren’t necessarily his scene, although he been to rather a lot over the years- more in support of friends, as opposed to be being the initiator. Chloe was most definitely along for the ride, too. But contrary to his expectations, she hadn’t complained once, not about the humid tent, sleeping on the ground, the showers nor, most surprisingly, the revolting toilets.

Spending time with her was something he believed he could never do enough of. She balanced him out so well: he was older, more cynical and liked to think he was pretty alternative, and she was the pretty, but apparently mainstream one. She made him feel like he fit in where he had previously been too scared to try. She actively encouraged him to follow his desires, however incongruous other people may have perceived them to be for him. Ballroom dancing was a prime example. And feeling like he really could be himself without fear of judgement, lifted such a weight from his shoulders.

Chloe was far brighter than she ever gave herself credit for. She was a hard worker and a shrewd business woman. Yet, she was also a kind caring soul who valued her friends and was prepared to put work into her relationships. And he had to admit she was really very, very attractive. Absolutely not the look that would have traditionally turned his head; no, she was far more than that and very naturally pretty.

Mike’s period of reflection was interrupted by the noise level of coming into a much more crowded area. He became conscious that none of them had put their shirts back on after a game of football in a quiet area. They were due to get back to the campsite to meet up with the girls and kick off the evening’s frolics with a few beers in relative peace before making their way over to see the well known bands due to play that evening.

He stopped in his tracks as he felt someone bump into him. He held his hands up as if in apology and was a little taken aback to see a very slender girl grinning at him, with a face he thought he might recognise but couldn’t place.

“Sorry.” He said quietly and made to move off.

“Don’t worry at all. I have to say that I love your tattoos.” She drawled.

“Thanks.” He smiled thinly but the girl didn’t take the hint and he started to feel a little uncomfortable.

“Look girls.” She called to her friends. “Look at all their beautiful ink.” She said gesticulating at the trio.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mike noticed Finn standing between him and Chop, both of whom were receiving the same kind of appraisal. Chop was clearly in show off mood. But Mike perceived that it was all a front, as Chop only had eyes for one girl these days.

As the girls tried to draw them into conversation, he glanced over his shoulder to try and locate Archie and Jim who seemed to have disappeared.

Despite being ill at ease, he followed Chop’s lead and started to make small talk. The girls had clearly had a lot to drink and he really wanted to avoid a scene. He rolled his eyes, trying to shoot Chop daggers when he mentioned that they were all tattoo artists, aware that this was unlikely to be a two minute conversation anymore.

One of the group seemed a little less drunk and asked politely about the style of one of the pieces that Finn had inked on him. She seemed genuinely interested in the artwork and he was trying to be helpful by explaining how to choose a good artist, whilst chastising himself for secretly hoping they weren’t local to Lincoln. Finn, being Finn, interrupted to talk about the influences of native art on that piece and took over the conversation. Mike looked away with a sigh. When he turned back, he found Finn surrounded by four girls.

One had her hand on Finn’s arm. But Finn looked distinctly ill at ease: his posture was stiff and he was staring off into the distance.

“Look at this one. He’s such a pretty boy.” Cooed the ringleader, running a finger along Finn’s jaw.

“He really should be a model.” Said another.

The ringleader, apparently not wishing to be outdone, fished a card out of her bag.

“Gorgeous, just call this number. It’s my agency, they’ll most certainly want to take you on.” She said, trailing her hand down his arm and slipping the card into his jeans pocket. Finn nearly jumped back but only managed to step into the second girl standing slightly behind him.

Mike saw the look of panic on Finn’s face and was about to say something when he was distracted by Chop telling one of the group that he was married. This uncharacteristic outburst had him involuntarily turning his head to find the usual cheeky, happy-go-lucky Chop looking flustered.

When Mike eventually turned back towards Finn, his friend was in trouble. His breathing was short and shallow and an almost indiscernible tremor was running through his right arm. Recalling a very difficult incident back in the club, Mike considered how best to act  in order to prevent a scene.

(Back when Rae was still in Tunisia, the S&N boys had decided to go out clubbing after their late evening opening. He and Chop had gone off to dance, leaving Finn moping with his pint on one of the sofas. They had returned to find some girl making a pass at Finn, who was not coping well with the attention and telling the girl to get off him. Finn had started to panic when she hadn’t immediately complied and had started to shout. He and Chop had had to rapidly intervene to avoid a scene as she started hurling abuse at Finn, who seemed to be unable to handle with the attention or process what was happening. )

In trying to shift his body away from the girls, Finn’s jeans had fallen a little lower on his hips, exposing the tiniest strip of his abdominal artwork.

“Oh my god.” The ringleader exclaimed. “You have a tattoo down here, do you?” She asked, slipping her hand against his skin.

“Please take your hand off me.” Finn asked quietly, eyes cast to the ground. The tremor had become more pronounced and had spread to his other arm.

When she didn’t immediately comply, Mike noticed that Finn was becoming increasingly agitated and withdrawn. It seemed that Finn was hyperventilating, and he himself was starting to panic at how to resolve this situation quietly with a minimum of fuss, fearful of Finn’s potentially explosive reactions.

“I. said. get. your. hands. off. me.” Finn’s words were punctuated by small gasps for air, his upper body noticeably shaking by now.

The sight of his friend in such a state galvanised the usually placid Mike.  “Will you back the fuck off?” He growled at them menacingly.

The shock tactic hadn’t had the instantaneous desired effect, so Mike strode over and took a substantial risk by pulling Finn’s shaking form tight against his body.

“It’s bad enough that you think it’s acceptable to touch a stranger so intimately in public. But it absolutely disgusts me that you wouldn’t stop when he asked you to.” Mike’s voice was raised and full of rage.

Feeling Finn’s feverish body heaving with the effort of breathing against his own, Mike lost it as the girls still hadn’t moved away, apparently unconcerned.

“Fuck off, will you? You are repulsive excuses for human beings.” He shouted.

Mike looked around, but Chop had already gone. Quickly removing Finn out of the crowd that had gathered was his main priority. Out of the corner of his eye, Mike glimpsed a stallholder beckon discreetly. Without breaking the embrace, he backed away and followed the man to quiet spot behind his tent. Although he managed to get them sitting down on the grass, Finn wouldn’t let go.

“Mate, you’ve got to calm yourself down. You need to slow down your breathing.” Mike tried to sound as calm and soothing as possible, which proved harder than he thought because, he too, was that wound up.

Mike was beginning to panic himself, worrying that shock was going to set in. He started to rock his friend and pressed his lips against his hair.

“Come on, princess, I know you can do it. Just breathe nice and slowly.”

He felt Finn’s body soften slightly. Pushing his own feelings of inadequacy aside, Mike had an inkling that he had inadvertently stumbled on something.

“That’s it, sweetheart. Nice and easy. Breathe in….and out.”

“It’s just you and me here. Everyone else has gone. Can you try to open your eyes, petal?”

It wasn’t long before Finn opened his eyes, calming  down considerably when he discovered it was really was just him and Mike, sat in the grass away from the crowds.

Mike put his hand on Finn’s forehead to discover he was still burning up, his body drenched in sweat. He pulled the shirt from Finn’s back pocket and dried him off a little.  He was ever so grateful when the stall-holder approached with a cup of tea.

“Thought your boyfriend could use this. I’ve put extra sugar in it.”

Mike voiced his thanks quietly, but didn’t bother to correct the man as he was more concerned with settling his friend.  When Finn finally let go of him to drink the tea, Mike realised that he too was shaken. Something began to stir in his memory, something else beyond that ugly night in the club but he couldn’t quite grasp it before it faded away.

Mike pulled his own shirt back on and then rooted in Finn’s pocket and lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag before placing it between Finn’s lips. They shared it right to the end when Mike lit a second from the first, aware that Finn probably needed a larger nicotine hit, given how much he smoked. He observed the tension continually decreasing in Finn’s body. Feelings of inadequacy continued to plague him and his eyes darted around the area, wishing that Chop would hurry up.

“You feeling a bit better now?” He asked when his friend finally looked up.

Finn nodded. “I…I’m sorry.” He muttered and hung his head.

“Hey, nothing to be sorry for, princess.”

As predicted, a small smile crossed Finn’s lips.

“Get the rest of that tea down you. You need the sugar right now.” Mike suggested, putting his hand on Finn’s shoulder. As he had expected, Finn’s body was shivering. Somehow, he needed to get Finn back to the tent and dressed properly but Mike realised that he couldn’t manage it on his own.

As Chop suddenly appeared with Rae, Mike thanked God under his breath. He moved aside as Rae sat down. She looked at Mike with those big eyes of hers, searching for answers that Finn was in no fit state to give; his body had yet to still, his eyes unfocused, his breathing too fast and his skin clammy.  Mike put a hand on her shoulder and whispered. “We need to get him somewhere quiet and warm.”

Rae bit her lip and nodded. She tentatively reached out a hand towards Finn who flinched at the first contact.  Before reaching out to him again, she spoke softly, asking his permission. Her words were sufficient for him to collapse into her arms. She stroked his hair with one hand and held him firm with the other.

Mike slowly got onto his feet to stand with Chop at a distance.

“Those girls were fuckin’ awful Mike. Why they hell did they think they could act like that? I mean, I know they was pissed but…”

Mike shrugged forlornly, suddenly feeling the need for Chloe. “I don’t know.”

“Is he going to be OK? what the fuck happened?” Chop gabbed, unable to control his mouth.

Mike exhaled. “I think he had some sort of major anxiety or panic attack. I think he started to go into shock. But I don’t honestly know.”

“Do you think the way those girls were touching him brought back bad memories?” Chop hadn’t really meant to say it out loud.

Mike nodded sadly. “Fucking Laura.” He muttered in Chop’s ear before adding. “We’ve got to get him back to the campsite. I think he’s going to need some sleep or something.”

“Perhaps he should go home?” Chop suggested.

“We’ll see. Just help me get him back with minimal fuss.”

Rae helped Finn to his feet and, despite wearing her flannel shirt (leaving Rae in her Oasis tee), he was still shivering.

Mike and Rae walked on either side of Finn, with Chop slightly in front as they made their way slowly back to the campsite. Friday night was upon them in full force and it was far busier than it had been earlier that afternoon. Given that Finn remained tense and mute, Rae thought it best to find some peace somewhere. But he refused her suggestion of driving home with a firm shake of the head.

The group ended up making their way over to the lake. Archie and Jim picked up boxes of noodles en route, and Chop, the beer. Rae was all set to take Finn off somewhere by themselves to provide the space to talk if he needed, or to fall apart in private. But he took everyone aback by asking them all to sit down with the couple, because he needed to talk.

Finn refused food and beer with another shake of the head. His eyes remained fixed on the floor.

“I wanted to tell you all I’m sorry.” He swallowed as the words caught in his throat, making it near impossible to speak.

“I’m sorry because I didn’t mean to ruin this evening. It’s just that..” He stumbled badly through his words.

“Finn, you haven’t ruined anyone’s evening.” Chloe said confidently. “All we really care about is that you’re ok.” Mike put his on her arm to still her.

“I wanted to explain what..” Finn swallowed. “Why I..”

“Finn.” Archie began quietly. “You don’t have to. You know you don’t owe it to us.”

Finn looked up gratefully, his eyes wide and reddening.  “Thanks, but I want to.”

Archie nodded in recognition.

“It were just that these girls were talking to us.” Finn frowned and chewed a little on the inside of his cheek. “And this one girl.” He continued. “She…. She wouldn’t stop touching me.”

His face crumpled a little, and Rae gave him a soft nudge with her shoulder. A thin, grateful smile appeared on his lips before he cast his eyes to the floor in concentration once more.

“The thing is. The thing is…. I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know. Not like that. And I asked her to take her hands off me. But she didn’t.” He swallowed, his concentration intense trying to find the words to express what was a the root of it.

“And all I could think about was Laura. It was just that she was always putting me, down making me feel stupid; that sort of thing. But that…that wasn’t everything.”

He swallowed painfully and took a single deep breath. “She made me feel so shit that I would do what she told me to, even if I didn’t want to.”  He looked up and caught Chop’s eye. Chop nodded at him.

“I …I couldn’t say no to her. Because she wouldn’t listen and umm…” A tear of shame rolled down his cheek. “ I was scared of her.” He stuttered badly as he trailed off and wrapped his arms round his knees, the rest of his words lost in a haze of darkness, humiliation and defeat.

Silence descended over the group, each waiting for another to say something. It was Archie that spoke up first.

“Finn, you’ve not done anything wrong. And you have nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing at all.”

“Yeah. Laura was right bitch and she had a tell of a temper on her. I was flaming scared of her too. And them girls this afternoon, were bang out of order letching all over you. Fucking disgusting.” Chop put a hand out, hesitated, and drew it back. “Nothing you could say would change my mind about you. You’re still a top fella and I’m damn proud to know you.”

Finn looked up shyly and then buried his head back on his knees. The darkness that had swirled in him like a mist felt thicker and more unbearable than ever. He wondered how he would ever condense it and banish it back to the most impenetrable corner where it had lain dormant for so long.

“Right people, I believe there are some top bands on tonight. I suggest we make tracks and start to get ready.” Mike anticipated Finn’s impending exhaustion and need for recuperation.

“I, erm.” Finn glanced up at Rae as she spoke. “We’ll catch you up later.” .

Jim got up and held his hand out for Archie. He put a hand on Finn’s shoulder as he walked past. “Take care, Finn. And don’t be hard on yourself. Your reaction was entirely understandable.”

Izzy bent down smiling and pulled a large roll of Rich Tea biscuits out of her bag. “These are yummy, Finn. Give them a go?” She suggested.

“But don’t you…” Finn stopped himself just in time and put a hand on her arm as thanks.

Chloe ruffled his hair as Mike bent down and pulled him into a hug. “You’re bloody brave and I’m proud to know you, Finn. Admitting that took real guts. And it will get easier over time. Rest up, princess.”

Finn giggled. “Have a great evening, duckie.” He replied almost straight faced.

Rae held his hand as she watched the others leave and his head returned once more to the denim of his jeans. Eventually, Finn ate a couple of biscuits and drank some beer, pulling a face at its bitter flavour in contrast with the previous sweetness.  Rae noticed his still unusually pale skin,  and it wasn’t long before he was curled up with his head in her lap on one of the blankets.

She was relieved when he fell asleep pretty quickly while she carefully stroked his hair. She suspected he had far more he needed to say. But he would find the words when the time was right. Pushing Finn was never an option, as it would simply result in him withdrawing further. Carefully, she moved his head onto the rug and covered him with a second blanket before settling down beside him.

**********  
Rae woke up some hours later to find Finn stirring. She spent a few moments reassuring him as he came to and was rewarded with a sleepy smile. Having sat up and smoked a cigarette, words began to tumble out of his mouth. Although she heard it nearly all of them before in their sessions with Kester, Rae sat patiently listening.

Taking her by surprise, he kissed her when she affirmed that she loved him with all that was within her and his past would never change that. The kiss warmed up a little as his tongue sought entrance to her mouth and his hand pulled her as close as he could.The physical embodiment of feelings was really important to Finn.  He instinctively sought to express his emotions through his body, and, in particular, his hands. She momentarily thought she was on the wrong track when she detected an almost imperceptible flinch as she touched his stomach. However, that was followed by his hands seeking out her body.

Having sought his permission with her eyes, she slowly unbuttoned her flannel that he was still wearing, placing a kiss on the warm skin for each and every button. Her hands ran down his arms as she slid the shirt off. He lay back quietly, in aroused submission. Leaning over his body, she trailed her lips all over his skin, watching how his lips parted and his eyes shut as the sensations began to soothe his turmoil.

“Umm Mae, I want to go for a swim.”  He imparted suddenly and unexpectedly.

She smiled at him. “Alright.” She replied, standing up and starting to unbutton her jeans in a single fluid motion.

His hand sought out hers. “You don’t have to. It’ll be bloody cold.”

“I want to.”

Despite the noise coming from the festival and the lights she could see on the far shore of the lake, Rae undressed completely, leaving Finn in open mouthed in wonder to follow suit.

Hand in hand they walked into the water. Finn had been right, Rae thought, a wry smile on her face. It was bloody freezing.  She managed to stay in long enough for a quick cuddle in the water before she had to get out and wrap herself in a blanket. She observed Finn swimming out a little way, fully cognisant that this had nothing to do with exercise or the water.

Finn was shivering when he joined Rae on the shore. She opened wide the blanket around her shoulders and let him in. Very soon his lips were on hers, his hands sweeping over the contours of her body, losing himself in her familiar and appealing curves. But she stopped him and gently lay him down. This was about him. About her making love to him and all that went with it; providing comfort and expressing her emotions in a language that he would understand best. No part of his skin remained untouched or unloved.

Periodically, she would whisper words of her affection and love. She ensured that the tension had left his body before she reintroduced it by moving her mouth to the most sensitive areas. He gazed upon her, his mouth and eyes open wide as she straddled him and positioned him. Her movements were achingly slow and her touch devastatingly tender; his hips rolled under her rhythmically. Eventually his eyes fluttered shut as sensation took over, and she felt his movements become more erratic until he finally tumbled over the edge, murmuring “Mae” repeatedly.

He was more than a little embarrassed that he hadn’t provided her release before his. But she reassured him that she was more than content. Slumber took him once more within a matter of minutes.

**********************************

Finn woke early to find the sun rising. Glancing at his watch, it was only 5am. The blanket had slipped down and Rae was sleeping peacefully in only her skin for the first time. He berated himself for the thoughts that entered his mind. He had to stop himself from touching her, lest she should wake, choosing instead to close his eyes and let the birdsong and subdued noises of dawn wash through him and draw him back to rest.

Rae awoke to the now familiar sensation of Finn pressing himself into her back. She could feel him periodically twitch; nevertheless, she was pretty sure he was still asleep. She started to replay the events of the previous evening, wondering whether she had missed any signs or failed him in some way. Trawling her memories, worry began to creep in as to whether there was more he had hidden away.

Yet, it was soon forgotten as something in Finn’s movements piqued her;she felt her skin tingle and let out a low moan. His left hand moved under the blankets and started caressing the soft skin of her breasts, seeking out her most reactive spots. But she chose not to turn and face him. His fingers trailled all over her skin before sliding lower and making her shudder at the contact. She angled her leg to provide better access. He wriggled his other hand underneath her and into the mix, and soft noises had begun to escape her mouth when they heard voices nearby.

“I’m sure that’s them. I told you they wouldn’t have just disappeared.”

Rae grunted in frustration and pulled the blanket tightly around her.

“Morning.” Archie greeted them. “Thought you might like some breakfast.”

Finn smiled and raised his eyebrows at Archie.

“Umm you might want to… the others are just on their way.” Archie nodded over his shoulder.

Finn pulled his mouth wide in a grimace and Rae’s eyes grew rounder.

“I’ll, erm.” Archie turned his back.

Wrapped in one of the blankets, Rae grabbed her clothes and ran behind a tree. Whereas Finn simply stood up and pulled his on. They were both sitting back on the rug eating the croissants Archie had brought and drinking tea when Mike headed up the rest of their friends.

Finn stood up and hugged his friend. “You sleep ok, princess?” Mike asked.

“Aye. Did you enjoy the bands last night, duckie?”

“Yeah they were good but not that good. I don’t think you missed anything spectacular, princess.”

“So what’s the plan for today, duckie?”

“Oh god. Please tell me they’re not doing that again.” Chop’s voice was far louder than expected.

Both Finn and Mike’s voices rang out in unison. “Shut up, darling.”  

They dissolved into fits of laughter as Chop hid his head in his hands.

Rae’s wasn’t the only quizzical face. Izzy, Chloe and Jim all looked as confused as her.

“Shall you tell them or shall I, princess?” Mike’s face was a picture as he looked at Finn.

“It’s probably best you do it, duckie, unless darling wants to give it a shot.”

“Fuck off.” Chop shot back.

“Better settle down then, people.” Mike warned.

“We have this client called Babs. She was one of my first clients. Lovely older lady. Terribly sad story though - basically she lost her adult son in a road accident a few years before I met her. I think she started collecting tattoos as her son was very fond of them and her husband was a bit of a biker in his day. Anyway, she always called me duckie, I don’t really know why. I did a couple of small pieces of her. Then one day she came in and asked Chop to do a piece for her. He was always known as darling.

She’s very kind. Always has a couple of consultations before getting the ink done and never fails to bring a box of home-made cakes or scones. A couple of years ago, we didn’t hear from her for a while and it turns out her husband had passed. She came in one day and wasn’t looking herself and she told us the story. We all designed part of a piece to remember her husband by. And so Finn became princess.

I took her dancing a few times to keep her spirits up, Chop took her out for afternoon tea when he wasn’t busy and Finn painted portraits of her husband and son. She often comes in just for a chat or get a touch up done. To be honest, I don’t think any of us have ever charged her either. Archer’s met her a few times, but she’s not been around as much recently as she’s got herself a boyfriend. But the names have always stuck.”

“Only because you two fuckers won’t give them a rest.” Chop protested.

“You can hardly say darling is any worse that princess.” Finn chortled.

“Well she only called you that because you are such a princess, Nelson.”

Finn and Chop started to play fight and roll on the floor.

“Do they still do this at work?” Archie asked.

“Pair of bloody children sometimes.” Mike nodded.

Rae caught Izzy’s eye. Both were trying hard not to laugh.

*******************************  
Rae, Chloe and Izzy were getting ready for the headline acts that evening. Chloe was taking her time with her look, adding layer after layer of sparkly eyeshadow. Izzy was looking brighter than she had done all weekend as she absentmindedly fiddled with her the laces on her floral Doc Martin boots. She was eating one of the biscuits from the packet Finn had given her back after stubbing out a half finished cigarette that afternoon.

Rae was changing into an electric blue button front dress inside the tent, having squeezed herself into some ridiculously unsupportive, yet pretty, new underwear. Although Finn had seemingly been on fine form all day and had calmly said that he thought he should probably go and see Kester as soon as possible, Rae remained a little disturbed. Other than his profuse apologies for being the cause of her missing some great bands the previous evening, he had made no mention of the previous day’s trauma.

If anything, he acted as if nothing untoward had ever happened. The spark that had been there on Friday morning was most definitely back after them being interrupted first thing. Getting changed in the tent that morning had resulted in a passionate kissing session, rendering them both breathless and wanting more. At lunchtime, he had managed to pull her behind a tent to continue what they had started; her shirt buttons had been undone as his hands had willfully explored.He had been tracing shapes in the skin above her vest when Archie had appeared and the game was over once more. They’d gone to eat their food, after Finn had discreetly rearranged himself.

Things had become progressively more heated during the afternoon. They had been pressed together in a throng of people, dancing to a relatively unknown Indie band. Chop had lifted Izzy onto his shoulders, Mike and Chloe had been dancing and Jim and Archie had disappeared. Rae had removed her flannel shirt,  having imbibed a couple of beers and had been dancing freely arms cast aloft in a vest top. He may have kept his t-shirt on, but his gloriously inked arms were on full display. Despite receiving a significant amount of attention, his focus had been entirely on her. He’d repeatedly tried to pull her close, but she had danced around him, making him laugh. He’d succeeded in getting his arms around her on a couple of occasions and had stolen some very passionate kisses. But a chink of uncertainty and discord remained.

“Right girls, are you ready to go?” Chloe asked.

Izzy nodded and loaded up a small backpack with some make-up and bottles of water and the biscuits.

“Can you give me hand?” She asked Rae, holding out her fairy wings.

Rae smiled. “You look amazing Izz. You’re so pretty. I take it you’re feeling a bit better now - you’ve got more colour in your cheeks.”

A frown fleetingly passed over Izzy’s face before she smiled and nodded. “Yeah, much better, thanks. Think my tummy’s getting used to the pills.”

“That’s good. Think we’re going to have a great night.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait. Chlo, doesn’t Rae look amazing?”

“Yeah Rae, you look incredible. Oh my god, I nearly forgot.” Chloe’s hand flew up to her mouth. She disappeared back into her tent and came out brandishing a packet which she shoved at Rae. “I saw these when I was buying something for myself. They’re tall sized. Quick, won’t take you a couple of minutes.”

“Umm thanks, Chlo. I’m not sure…” Rae trailed off, looking at exactly what she was holding.

“Of course you can. Finn will bloody love it. And you won’t be able to tell, promise.”

“Fuck it.” Rae disappeared off into the tent.

*************  
The girls met up with the boys at the beer tent. Chop twirled Izzy round in his arms as Mike pulled Chloe in for a lengthy kiss. Rae looked around but couldn’t see Finn.

“Hey you.” Archie hugged her. “You’re looking great tonight, Rae.”

She smiled. “You don’t look half bad yourself. Jim’s a very lucky boy.”

“Oi, you.” Rae felt strong arms around her waist. She spun around to see Finn standing there in a grey vest and a pair of tatty dark jeans.

“That’s a very pretty dress you’re wearing, Mae.” Finn stepped closer and fingered the top button; his eyes focused on his finger as it trailed up the creamy skin up towards her shoulder,diverting up her neck and onto her cheek. He moved it ever so slowly across her lips.

Rae took a deep breath. “Right, so are we going to listen to some music, then?”

Finn’s face broke out in a broad grin. “That had crossed my mind.”

They took the plastic cups filled with beer with them and walked through those sitting on the litter strewn ground  at the back of the enormous crowd. The band playing were too mainstream for Finn and Rae’s liking, but Chloe was clearly enjoying herself dancing next to Mike, so the group moved further forward.

Finn had really wanted to see the following band, so when they began to set up, Rae took his hand, leading him far further forward into a tightly packed area. The band didn’t disappoint and Rae was soon dancing with him. For a second time that day, she noticed just how many people were openly looking at Finn, particularly women, but he remained oblivious.

The music had been uplifting, enjoyable, and down right cool. Dancing and kissing Finn so publically had been very liberating for Rae. There could be absolutely no doubt for anyone who had been watching that he was with her, that he both adored her and that he wanted her. His body had continually been seeking hers out: whether that be to hold hands, to kiss, stroke her hair, or hold her close. And he hadn’t been shy about it. On the contrary, it was clear even to Rae that he was really proud to be with her. And in her new found enlightenment, she had been more than comfortable to be the one reaching out to touch him; to run a hand down his arms, to muss up his hair, to press her lips against his. What anyone might think of it hadn’t even entered her mind.

With difficulty, they made their way to meet the others for some food about 9pm when one of the sets finished. In the seething mass of people thronging towards the refreshment stalls and other stages, Finn was pushed up right behind Rae. He had been aching for her all day and had struggled to keep his hands in what he thought were acceptable places, given that there were people everywhere. His mind was filled with thoughts of what he really wanted to do, when he realised that one hand was on her hip as they hit a bottleneck. The sheer weight of bodies forced him fast against her and her dress got rumpled up between them. As the pressure eased, he smoothed it down again. That’s when he finally discovered that Rae was not wearing tights.

His fingertips had only grazed the merest sliver of skin, but it had been enough to turn him into a hopeless lustful mess. As soon as he could find a little space, he practically dragged her to the side and placed his lips on hers, kissing her in a near frenzied passion. She pulled back and raised her eyebrows before leading them off towards their friends. He’d had to stay close behind her because his body’s reaction was only too evident. When Chop had asked what he would like to eat a strangled noise had come out of his mouth and Rae had answered for him before pulling him behind a tent.

“Finn, what on earth has got into you?”

“I ermm…you.” He answered a little sheepishly, looking at the floor.

“You’re going to have to do a bit better than that.” She stated confidently and he knew he had been played, but he really didn’t care.

“You know full well, Mae. You’re not wearing tights, are you?”

She smirked at him and then hitched up the hem of her dress. “You mean these have got you that bothered?”

He looked at the lacy tops of her hold-ups and swallowed thickly before running his hands up the side of her thighs, reveling in the changing textures: the slinky slippery nylon, the rise and fall of the lace and her cool smooth skin. All of a sudden he was kissing her messily, all tongue and teeth and pressing himself firmly against her. Her head rolled to the side as he begun to kiss her neck in the way he had learnt that she loved.

He became so enthusiastic,  lifting one of her legs to feel her partially wrapped around his body, that they toppled over and ended in a tangled heap on the floor. However, this only served to render him even more horny. He rolled his pelvis against her and muttered profanities as his hands ghosted under her dress. She was nipping at that tender spot under his ear when their reverie was interrupted by Archie’s voice.

“Rae… Finn, where are you? Your food’s arrived.”

Seemingly unperturbed, Rae rolled him off her, brushed some grass out of her her hair and smoothed her dress down. He took his time to follow and plonked himself down onto the floor in a complete daze, trying to focus on anything but her.

Chop pulled Mike to one side. “Hey, do you think Finny’s ok? He’s looking a bit unwell.” Chop shrugged trying to find the word. “A bit peaky.”

Mike looked over at their friend. His hair was mess with pieces of grass stuck in it, he certainly looked uncomfortable and a deep flush spread right down from his face to his neck and chest. But his lips were parted and his eyes were unfocused, with their pupils dilated to the extent he could barely make out the brown of his irises.

Mike laughed. “I’d say poor Finny is a bit of a mess. But I don’t think you need to worry, Chopper. Nothing that a bit more time alone with Rae’s not going to sort out.”

Chop’s eyes grew wide. “Bloody hell. Dirty fucker.” And then his face fell. “But, after yesterday, don’t you think that perhaps he just needs some…some quiet time?”

Mike swallowed as he contemplated the point Chop was making. “I see what you’re saying. But there are no rules as to how you should or or react when you’ve been subject to some of the shit Finn has. I know yesterday was horrendous.” Mike shrugged. “But Finn’s been in a much better place since he’s met Rae and started counselling.”

“Yeah, but.” Chop raised his eyebrows.

“Well, you or I may not react the same way, but Finn’s a very physical person, especially when it comes to his emotions. Look at his art, look at how much he can express with his hands; particularly things he would never be able to say.”

Chop nodded and looked over at Finn, who had pulled Rae onto his lap. He was still looking a bit feverish  but was eating the chips Rae was feeding him.

“You know, he does look happy. Even if he doesn’t look very relaxed.” Chop laughed a little.

*************  
Finn had been more than a little reluctant to follow Rae back out to watch the big guns play. This may have been Saturday night filled with the headline acts for the whole festival, but Finn’s mind remained firmly elsewhere. He allowed Rae to pull him along by the hand and find them and their friends a good spot. Even though they were quite some distance from the stage, it was pretty crowded.

The group of friends danced in the electric atmosphere, changing positions and partners, smiling, yelling, clapping and whistling. At one point they formed a circle linked by arms around each other’s shoulders and sang along to the band’s best known anthem. As the set drew to a close, they all hugged, declaring their love and affection for each other in the euphoric afterglow. The final band to grace the stage were one that Finn was a little less keen on, despite being highly acclaimed, because he felt the guitarists were pure strummers and not especially musical.

However, Rae rated the band. Chop lifted Izzy out of the surging throng, putting her on his shoulders. Finn stood behind Rae, one hand, as if of its own accord, snaking its way under her dress to test the textures again. His other hand remained firmly around her waist and his lips were on her neck. After a short while she spun around intending to reprimand him but before she could fully register what she was doing, she was kissing him.

Finn wasn’t holding back either. He was grinding his hips into hers as the kiss continued, hands ghosting all over her body. Momentarily, she looked around, aware that they were surrounded by people. Despite this being a highly public space filled with thousands of people, it somehow simultaneously managed to be quite private and intimate. Nobody was looking at them; they were all enjoying the music, dancing or focused on their friends. So she relaxed, causing the world around to fade into a muted swirl of colours and sounds.

It was only when she recognised that Finn was in more than something of a state that she finally stopped and took stock. His pupils were blackened, his lips parted, his body flushed, glistening with sweat and heaving with each breath.His crotch was pressing firmly against her hand. Removing her hand from him caused him to groan. Much to her own surprise, she led him away from the stage and the band she had wanted to see so much.

Getting Finn to the lake had proved more far difficult than anticipated. When she’d unzipped the tent to retrieve the blankets, he had knelt behind her, lifting up her skirt and running his hands up her thighs and over her bottom. His fingers had only too quickly found their way under the lacey fabric. His words had been on the verge of pleading and he’d taken quite some convincing to leave the tent.

Half way across the field, Finn had pressed her firmly against a tree, lifting her dress with one hand and unbuckling his belt with the other. She had lost herself in his kiss, moaning loudly as he slid his fingers inside her while he keened at her throat. It was only when she realised he had managed to unbutton his fly, release himself and rub himself against her, that she knew she had to get back on track.

He had complained as she’d gently pushed him back and dragged him across the field, his jeans half buttoned. As soon as she had found a secluded spot she regained control, dropping to her knees and taking him in her mouth. The noises he made caused a tingle to spread deep within her and she clenched her legs together. It hadn’t been long before his legs had near buckled beneath him and she’d laid him back on the rug.

He mumbled that he couldn’t last and she really didn’t have to. But she wasn’t to be told. As she continued, her hair falling loose over his stomach, she felt his body start to tense, his head rolled to one side. Then he started to groan almost deliriously until he hit the point of no return, where his gasped intake of air silenced him. When he finally came back to himself, his words were stuttered and broken.

“Jesus Christ, Mae. I… that was….holy fuck.”

“Thought you might have needed to let go of a bit of tension.” She smirked.

Finn shook his head at himself. She’d been teasing him all day. He was resolute that the tables needed to be turned and rapidly. Pulling up his jeans and boxers, he lay her on her front and started to massage her skin, starting with her hands and working up to her elbows. He repeated the exercise from ankle to knee and then elbow to shoulder. Then it was the turn of her back and sides. Periodically his hand would graze her thigh or lower bottom and he would feel her muscles tighten under his touch. He then ran his hand from ankle to the lace top of one hold up and rolled it back down, paying special attention to trail his fingers slowly down her inner thigh. The other leg received the same treatment.

His hands worked slowly up the outer of one thigh, then the other before lifting her dress up to access her lower back. She was already wriggling impatiently at this point. Her inner thighs were next on his list but he stopped short of anything too senstive to go back to her knee. He had repeated this a few times and she was begging now, so he decided to surprise her by getting her up on her knees.This time his fingers grazed the lace of her panties and in one swift movement, he had wriggled underneath her, pulled them aside and placed his mouth on her skin. She was screaming in virtually no time.

Hearing her enjoying herself with such abandon, so unselfconsciously, was an experience in itself for Finn. After she lowered herself to the ground, he tenderly turned her over to kiss her mouth and speak soft words of endearment, but they caught in his throat as she bit her lip and pulled him on top of her. When her hands sought out his arms, fingers tracing his patterns, he understood what she wanted. Getting onto his knees, he peeled his vest off and jeans and boxers.

Rae looked at Finn standing in all his glory and got to her feet. She pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before sliding behind him. She took her time in running her hands over his body, enjoying the feel of his skin under her hands, the ripple of his muscles, the width of his shoulders, the soft skin of his bottom. When she returned to face him, her breath caught in her throat. There was something incredible about this man standing in front of her, unashamed of form and the way his body reacted to her.

She intended for this experience to last, and to not bubble over in a mere few minutes. She languorously tasted his the sweat on his skin before focussing on his tattoos, nipping and kissing both his arms. He undressed her slowly, until she was stood in front of him comfortable and wanting. He placed his arms around her waist and she recommenced her appreciation of his arms as he gazed at her, lips pouting, breathing as slowly and evenly as he could. When her hand reached lower, he stepped back so she could make out the black lines on his lower abdomen.

When she paused, his eyes sought hers out before reaching out his fingers towards Tix’s tattoo. Having traced its outline he placed his lips upon it, kissing it’s centre. His tongue traced around its edges, leaving her breathless. He dropped to his knees to caress her scars and the band around her thigh. Their slow, deliberate and affirming exploration of each other bodies continued in appreciative silence.

Rae sat down, pulling Finn on top of her. He understood that she intended this to be a very physical experience for both of them. Nearly all their intimacy had revolved around playing out their undeniably deep emotional connection. This was about how their bodies fitted together, an acceptance that fucking didn’t have to be sordid and that it was valid within their relationship.

Finn let out a long loan groan, finding her hand was teasing him once more, a continuation of her behaviour all day. He was ridiculously turned on already and he really couldn’t care who knew about it. Finding himself on his back with her straddling him with complete abandon caused him to slide in far sooner than he intended. Taking her by surprise, he sat up a little and she moved her legs behind him. It gave him the vantage of her spectacular breasts and he set to work nipping and biting, making her throw her head back gloriously.

She had come undone a couple of times under his fingers and mouth. But he was determined to keep the heat rising in his belly at bay. Everytime he felt close to boiling point, he changed position. He hadn’t coped well when she started to scream when he was kneeling up behind her, his hands roughly grabbing her hips. He’d had to try something else, growling as she seemed to wriggle to get him as deep as possible again. His pace increased past anything he’d tried before and he was using his all his strength to maintain some of the more complex holds.

Rae looked at Finn, eyes shut, mouth wide open, chest heaving with the exertion, rivulets of sweat running down his chest; his hair was damp and the muscles in his arms completely tense. The guttural noises he was making were something else. She tensed, finding his fingers teasing and testing her once more. She tried to hold back, aware that she was likely to dissolve completely. But when he growled “Let it go. Just let it the fuck go,” she was wholly incapable of holding on. A a prolonged scream escaped her lips.

Rae could feel Finn slow and stop, his muscles taut as he panted from the exertion. He opened his eyes and she nodded. His rhythm was slower than before and she started to nibble under his ear and grasp his arse firmly. All of a sudden, he  flipped her over onto her back. Weight on his forearms, he snaked his hips into her relentlessly. He lost control over the inferno raging within. A stream of gasped profanities escaped his lips before he started to make a low guttural noise that became an immense cry, escaping his lips as he fell apart and oblivion took him.

He collapsed onto his side, utterly spent. Unable to move or say anything though he wanted more. No, needed more. The comedown was instant and all pervasive but he had no strength left in that moment to question let alone fight it. He had to concede to his body and shut his eyes, allowing the inevitable slumber to take him.

It took a while for Rae to recover sufficiently to cover them both with the blanket and the sleeping bag that she was grateful that she had brought. Finn was already asleep; his fingers firmly rooted in his mouth. Rae bit her lip, almost incredulous at what had just happened. She snuggled behind Finn expecting sleep to come quickly. But some half hour later she was stretching her legs again, unable to settle. She sensed an inkling of something that troubled her, so she allowed the events of the past few hours to run through her head in search of a clue, a stime of significance. But delve as she might, nothing was forthcoming.

Finn woke as dawn was starting to break. He turned to find Rae curled up away from him. The earlier dissonance in his abdomen had not abated. He yawned but denied his body’s desire for rest as the ache for comfort was so strong. He never meant to wake Rae by lazily stroking her hair. But he had to touch her, to feel her beneath his fingertips.

Rae groggily opened her eyes to find Finn’s darkest brown ones gazing into hers with such intensity that her heart beat a little faster. She observed the way his eyes studied her carefully before placing his lips tenderly against hers. He looked wrecked but his body was surprisingly functioning. Although her mind was still cloudy, she somehow fathomed that his sensitive soul needed something that earlier simply could never provide.

Their lovemaking was exquisitely slow and gentle lit by the sun’s early glow. He wrapped her in his arms before sleep took them once more.

*******************************  
Mike was reluctant to wake the pair. Nobody had been surprised to find their tent empty yet again. And based on it’s smell alone, he had wondered how they had even managed a single night in there. But he surmised that Finn wouldn’t want the others to find them like this.

Rae was thankfully covered, but she had make-up streaks all down her face. Her clothes were a good 10 feet from where they were laying. She was lying on her side with her head on Finn’s bare torso; her dark hair fanned out in contrast to his paler skin. Finn was on his back, one arm flung out in Rae’s direction, his hair somehow sticking up in all directions, but also flopping in his eyes, and he had two fingers in his mouth.

Mike turned his back in case he startled them. He cleared his throat loudly. “Rae, Finn. I hate to do this to you, but it’s gone 10am and the others will be here soon for a farewell breakfast.”

By the time breakfast arrived, they may have been fully dressed, but the couple still looked significantly worse for wear. Finn was complaining of an aching back when in fact he ached all over. Rae was looking groggy and was off her food. But they sat in the circle with their friends in the late summer sunshine.

Finn disappeared off for a smoke and that’s when a couple of tears fell down Rae’s face as she brimmed with apologies for any worry she had caused. She tried to explain that she wasn’t so much fearful of change, rather uncertain of what this meant for them; what with her impending course and Finn’s art college place.  As soon as the words were out, she tried to retract them as best she could by putting her mood down to impending autumn blues.

Finn returned to find the group subdued. He looked to the dark sky and shivered. He pulled Rae close, unable to find any words; the empty feeling from the previous day still lurked in his chest. As they walked back towards the campsite to pack up, he glanced back at the lake one final time. The water appeared almost black and uninviting. He frowned and chewed on the inside of his cheek, believing his mind was taking advantage of his exhaustion and playing tricks on him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the magnificent how-ardently, I finally have part 18 ready.
> 
> Warnings: SMUT (duh of course)
> 
> And there are still some nasty hangover from past abusive relationships - sexual, physical and emotional as long as a scene of mild violence. 
> 
> Oh and there’s more tattooing! Well it’s is called Healing Ink after all.

Rae was restless. She extracted Myrtle from her lap, got up from the sofa, and wandered around the room for the fifth time in as many minutes. Chop and Izzy had disappeared to some mysterious appointment and she had been left on her own for most of the day. Her sole achievement had been to finally complete the festival laundry mountain; two weeks on. Absolutely everything that had been in their tent had acquired something of its deeply unpleasant and lingering smell and had needed washing. She had even resorted to washing the tent liner knowing full well that Charlie would never bother with such a thing.

She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but something had continued to trouble and prickle at her over the last couple of weeks. Granted everyone was tired, and there was the usual post festival come-down to contend with, which was only enhanced by the fact that summer was probably over. But there was something else in the air, something a little threatening with a nefarious undertone that she couldn’t simply put down to uncertainty over her future living arrangements.

She and Finn had visited Kester for a lengthy therapy session. Finn had requested sometime on his own with Kester, so she had settled outside on a bench with a book. He had emerged a mere fifteen minutes later with slightly reddened eyes and couldn’t, or wouldn’t, meet her gaze. Nonetheless, he had managed to briefly talk about the panic attack in between cigarettes and had seemed to have made his peace with the whole affair on the one level.

The one positive of the session had comprised an open discussion regarding their fears about sex being simply a physical act. Kester had been helping them both through the way their past experiences had shaped their current mindsets. In some respects it had seemed odd to discuss something so intimate with a third party but he had reassuring and firm in his assertion that lust most certainly could have a healthy place in their relationship.

They made their way to Finn’s father’s house for supper. The initial celebrations for   
Finn’s scholarship had quickly worn off as both Rae and Gary had noticed that his son’s jubilation was merely a thinly disguised veneer. Rae had rather unsubtly volunteered to do the washing up; allowing father and son to talk alone in the fading light. It had felt a little voyeuristic looking down the garden at the pair, yet she had felt compelled to do so, having been more than a little fretful. Gary’s posture had suggested some sort of disagreement, conflict perhaps, but Finn’s was different. She had mused, hands covered in suds, that it wasn’t merely submissive. There had been something resigned or dejected about the way his shoulders hunched forward and he scuffed his boots across the floor.

The questions had come to her lips so many times on the way home. But Finn had insisted on listening to some new CD, apparently totally absorbed by the guitar riffs. He had complained of post-drive fatigue and had refused the proffered beer when they arrived back with a simple shake of the head. He had been tucked up in bed, facing the wall after she’d shared a drink with Chop and Izzy. However, she had heard Finn pacing around the room, shortly after she’d gone to bed and later in the small hours of the morning.

The following day, he had seemed a little more settled, calmer. They’d gone to the pub with their friends and enjoyed the night where thankfully the conversation was warmer than the beer. Tentatively at first, his fingers had found her thigh under the table, tracing shapes and patterns, distracted from the gang’s banter. Despite the four pints he’d drunk, his attention was firmly focussed on her. He’d taken her hand and they’d slipped away to the cafe where he’d taken her all those months ago after she had run away from Chop’s.

She’d drunk her hot chocolate while he smoked and sipped at his tea. Ten minutes in and he’d moved to the seat next to hers, only for his finger to recommence its trail. Except this time, it had hadn’t quite stopped. They’d run out of there hand in hand towards Chop’s. Finn pressed her against a fence in a darkened alley-way to kiss her with intent as he curled her shirt in his fists. Two streets later, and the hand wrapped around her waist was sliding up under her shirt.

But for a night that had promised so much, it had not delivered anything but perfunctory, short-lived  gratification. Something had felt a little different despite all the endearments he had murmured. Finn had changed positions numerous times, constantly building but never quite finding his release. Hers had come courtesy of his tongue. It had taken a full body massage accompanied by Ella Fitzgerald to loosen his. She’d fallen into a deep sleep listening to the music but had woken a couple of hours later to find him tidying the room in a pair of tracksuit bottoms.

She sat back down on the sofa and hugged a velour cushion tight to her chest trying to decipher what lay behind that unsatisfactory encounter. It had left her feeling hollow; emptier than she had been before it had commenced. Yet before long, she became more troubled by the fact that Finn had seemed very non-committal about her changing her course to one she’d found in London. He’d had counselled caution and had questioned whether she could change mid term or even at the end of term. They’d had quite the row three day ago as she had been frustrated and irritated given the start of term was only three weeks off. And since then he’d been more than a little quiet.

Rae bit her lip, exhaled and decided to make herself yet another cup of tea. As the kettle boiled she looked at her watch and cursed Finn’s tardiness as he should have been home over two hours ago and he hadn’t even called. Staying out far later than intended the previous night with Chloe and Izzy, she had found him sleeping fully clothed on top of the covers with Myrtle curled against the small of his back. His fingers had been in his mouth again. That morning, she had woken to an empty bed; no note, nothing.

She wandered outside to the patio with her steaming drink that could only provide scant comfort. She curled up on her side on the swing seat as tears of frustration and uncertainty began to threaten.  Putting her tea down, she shut her eyes and tried to block out the thoughts which started to race through her head.

When Rae opened her eyes again, she found Finn sat at the end of the seat, smoking and staring out into the distance, looking like he had the weight of the world sat atop his hunched shoulders.

She started towards him as if to envelop him in her arms. but stopped before reaching him.

“Where’ve you been?” The hostility in her own tone even surprised Rae.

“Work.” His tone was flat as he started to do that thing with the side of his mouth.

“Right. So? So…” She broke off swallowing back the tears that threatened to engulf her.

“We need the money Rae.” He stated coolly. staring ahead, his brow furrowed in concentration.

“What the fuck Finn? What the…” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

His arms were around her; his hand stroking her hair. Yet this inconsistency and apparent turnabout in his demeanour only served to vex her further.

“You can’t just block me out for days and then expect it all to return to normal with a hug. I have no idea what’s got into you. I get that the whole impending change is difficult to manage. especially after…” She paused and took a deep breath. “After everything we’ve been through but you can’t just bury your head in the sand. I thought we were in this together but now I am beginning to wonder whether I was wrong.”

She stormed off into the house, failing to effectively slam the sliding patio door behind her. He was only too quick to follow her and grabbed her wrist as she was about to make her way up the stairs.

“I..it’s just…you see…I’ve made a….”

His stuttered beginning lead nowhere and her frustration bubbled over. “Just spit it the fuck out, Finn.” She snarled.

As soon as the words were out, she wished she could push them back in. His back was turned and his shoulders were shaking. He flinched when she placed a hand on his shoulder and she stepped back in shock and confusion. He was the one who had been all distance and aloof coolness. Yet he was the one the big future ahead of him, the one she was prepared to make compromises for. He was the one holding all the cards. Then it struck her; perhaps he wasn’t coping being the one in that position.

She tentatively reached out to him again, and, although it was less obvious, the flinch was still there. “Finn.” She whispered. “It’s me, you dickhead.” She exhaled. “Would it be ok if we sat on the sofa?”

He didn’t respond verbally, but allowed her fingers to clasp his and shuffled towards the sofa. She rubbed his back soothingly as his head dropped to his hands. Music seemed like the obvious solution but she felt that moving right now might cause him to clam up completely.

“Finn. I know there’s something. What is it? What haven’t you told me?”

“I’m so sorry, Mae. I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up.” He mumbled time and time again.

“Finn, you’re scaring me. What have you done? What have you done?” The pitch of her voice was continually rising.

He finally sat up and looked up and took her hand in his.

“I…I was going to tell you. I should have told you. Fuck. After Jim took you to work yesterday afternoon, I took a call for you.” He bit down on his bottom lip. “It…it was the Police and…and because you had listed me as next of kin and …”

Rae was feeling nauseous, uncertain if it was fear of what was to come or whether Finn’s failure was the root. She snatched her hand away as his roughened one sought it out.

“They said….they said they’d spoken to Liam’s mum. They haven’t found him yet but…but she said he’d called her to say he was….he was in London.”

Her face blanched and bile rose in her throat. She only just made it to the downstairs toilet in time as the contents of her stomach rushed out to meet the bowl. Finn followed her and started to stroke her back, but she pushed him out and slammed the door before round two commenced.

As she emerged, sweating and shaken from the loo, Finn was sat on the foot of the stairs, biting his cuticles to the quick. He stood up and made as if if to comfort her, but she held her hands up.

“How could you not tell me? I don’t get it, Finn. You knew what happened. How dare you keep it to yourself? You could have called me, come to work, or woken me this morning. It’s not as if we’re talking one missed opportunity.”

“But I …” He began.

“Don’t spill out shite about wanting to protect me. I can’t believe you. You…I trusted you and…” she shook her head and exhaled in disgust, storming off upstairs. She returned with a full back pack to find Finn pacing back and forth.

“Rae, please I can explain. Please.”

She felt a moment’s pity as he looked genuinely defeated and bereft. But it wasn’t enough.

“No Finn. I don’t want to know. I trusted you. I really trusted you.” She walked out of the front door and slammed it hard behind her.

She started walking in the only direction her feet would take her; towards town, towards Archie’s flat or maybe even Chloe and Mike’s. Turmoil surged and raged within her. It was as if the familiar patterned rug had been whisked from under her feet. She thought she knew Finn. She thought she knew him very well. She thought she understood him. After all, they had been to counselling together, she thought that they had bared their souls to one another. They had  walked the edge of the precipice, but with each other’s stabilising hand, neither had fallen in.

Rae found herself sitting on a wooden bench on the edge of park, not quite sure how she had come to be there. It was the very same bench where he had calmed her when she had been in an acute state of panic by placing her hand on his chest, all those months ago. Back then he had intuitively deciphered that she wouldn’t have been able to tolerate his touch on her body. He had been so calm, so respectful and so caring. Tears streamed down her cheeks; this was where it had all begun, was this where it was all going to fall apart?

She started to shiver with cold and looked at her watch, still she had no idea how long she had been sitting there. She pondered whether she had expected him to come after her, whether he would follow her like he had done before. But he hadn’t. The adrenaline of ire was wearing off now, leaving a jumble of conflicting emotions in its wake: disappointment, bewilderment, fear and fragility. But something else remained. Something she had missed before. Something that she had ascribed to the impending change when they were at the festival. But it had been there even before the phone call that threatened their relationship.

Rae’s feet slowly retraced her steps.Her mind was whirring at a hundred miles an hour with all the words that she might say, the questions she might ask, the possibilities behind his behaviour. But a deep nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach reminded her of the doubt that nonetheless remained and his perfidiousness. She turned her back in anger.

**********************************************************  
Archie had been only too welcoming, although incapable of hiding his concern at her turning up unannounced. As Jim was working in the studio, they had spent a quiet evening together. She had been careful not to rant and rave about Finn’s behaviour, but had quietly explained what had happened, and that she needed space and had nowhere else to go. He hadn’t asked any questions, merely raised his eyebrows and adjusted his glasses a few times.

She had excused herself to bed early. Archie had made her a cocoa and had hugged her at length, unable or unwilling to find the words for a remotely plausible explanation. She had silently cried herself into a fitful and unrefreshing sleep. Something kept nagging at her. Something whose true form she could not fathom.

Jim had driven her work and had chatted rather too jovially on the drive until she’d told him to stop pretending. She had half expected Finn to turn up mid shift full of apologies with a bunch a flowers but he didn’t even call. Even so, she had had to actively prevent herself from dialling S&N’s number twice during the course of her shift. She had made it as far as five digits in on the second attempt. The offer of a second night at Jim and Archie’s was the soft option, the no brainer. But on a more fundamental level, it represented burying her head in the sand and hiding from her problems. However difficult the truth was to face, she was determined not to be that person anymore.

************  
With trepidation in her heart and butterflies in her stomach, she unlocked the front door, half expecting to find him there, having a drink with his feet up on the table, cigarette in hand. But there was only Chop sat on the sofa. She peered out through the french doors, perplexed.

“Finn not with you?” Chop’s voice interrupted her train of thought.

She shook her head. “I..we might have had words.”

“Oh.” Chop’s bluest of eyes met hers and he patted the sofa next to him. “Izzy’s asleep. Want to talk about it?”

She shook her head but sat down nonetheless. They watched a bit of TV in silence, drinking beer directly from the bottles, before Rae spoke again.

“You seen him today?”

“Not really.” Chop responded honestly. “He used all the fricking water this morning and then buggered off to work. I had no appointments until this afternoon, by which time he’d gone. I know he was home earlier as The Jesus and Mary Chain were on full blast. I thought he was going to meet you or something.”

Rae’s face fell. “Why did you think he was going to meet me? Did he say something?”

Chop shook his head. “Nah, but any fella who spends that long in the shower is meeting a woman.” His eyes grew wide. “Shit. I didn’t mean. Fuck. I am such a bellend.”

Rae was crying openly by now.

“S’aright Rae. I really don’t think. He wouldn’t. I know you must have had a fight or something but he just wouldn’t. Finn’s not like that.”

Rae’s tired and addled mind was working overtime, spinning out implausible doubts, such as whether she actually knew Finn at all. She considered going back to Archie’s, knowing Chop would drive her if she asked. She had been undecided; finally acquiescing to Chop’s suggestion that she try to get some sleep. As she pressed her face into the pillow, a passing comment Chop had made ran through her mind. There tended to be a good reason why Finn was acting like prick, even if he didn’t always recognise it himself.

*******************************  
Rae opened her eyes and looked at her watch. Who in god’s name needed a shower before dawn? But instead of closing her eyes and succumbing to sleep again, she sat bolt upright in bed, surmising it had to be Finn. She waited, expecting the running water to cease shortly. Some twenty minutes later she looked at her watch in disbelief. She thought about banging on the door. But what if it was Chop?

Undecided as to a course of action, she padded softly down the stairs and put the kettle on. Hurt and anger were still burning, but the flames had died back to a crackle. For right now, fear and bewilderment had usurped them. She wracked her brains trying to find some hint as to whether she had missed a sign, a vital clue. Exhaustion had been a constant factor since they had returned from the festival, blurring their interactions and her thoughts. And she and Finn had mostly become like the proverbial ships passing in the night. Barely touching on occasion, let alone sharing anything more intimate.

In her sleepy haze, Rae sat on Finn’s jacket on the sofa. She picked it up, inhaling his scent, which only caused the pain to pulse stronger. As she put it down, she saw an envelope bearing unfamiliar writing poking out of inner pocket.

She was only too aware that she shouldn’t, that this was probably up there with him forgetting to tell her about Liam. Though she very much doubted it, she still couldn’t be certain as to whether that had been deliberate on his part. The vexation roused by that thought caused her to subconsciously pull the paper from the envelope. Bile and disgust burnt her throat as she read through the first few lines and she was ready to leave the house at that ungodly hour in a fit of pique. But curiosity got the better of her, she decided to read on, despite her churning stomach.  As her eyes skimmed down the paper, an icy fear gripped her. Her revulsion became stronger with each line and those fleeting things that had been ghosting through her mind were slowly starting to form a pattern.

Very suddenly, it hit her and  hit her hard. Finn was, indeed, in the shower because of another woman and she had to get him out of there. She ran up the stairs, tripping and bumping her chin in the process. Getting to her feet she brushed herself down. Shaking, she knocked on the door. Ire may have still tainted her blood, but it was muted with pain and worry. She wasn’t surprised when there was no response. Waking Chop and Izzy was the least of her concerns as she banged louder. She began to call his name and rattle at the door handle. Eventually the water stopped, but the blood was pounding through her head.

“Finn, you’ve got to let me in, please.”

“Finn?”  The silence continued for some moments until she heard a thud indicating that he had moved.

His voice was smaller than she ever remembered it being; low, quiet and verging on a stammer.

“Mae, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about Liam. I’m such an idiot, a fool. I didn’t intentionally not tell you. I just had…. there were other things and I…fuck, I know it’s unforgivable.”

She heard the tears he was fighting so hard to contain. “Finn, I….I have a confession to make of my own. I… I read the letter in your jacket.”

“Oh sweet Jesus. Oh God. Rae, please you have to understand that I… oh fuck, no.”

“She gave it to you in person right? When?”

“I went to S&N’s shortly after the Police called to cancel my bookings. I was going to come to you but…”

“Finn, will you please open the door?”

“She was there, Rae. She was there and…”

It felt like her legs could no longer hold her body upright. Rae slid down the door and onto the floor, trying to get a grip on her emotions as she imagined the worst. But her thoughts didn’t spiral any further. She took a few deep breaths and things started to become clearer.  Stopping her imagination running away into an ever worsening scenario took a significant amount conscious effort but she began to see what she had missed before. He had camouflaged the signs pretty well, but they were still there if you knew where to look.

“Finn, can you please open the door?” Chop and Izzy were mostly likely awake by now. But this was far more important.

“I can’t. I’m not dressed.”

These seemingly simple words confirmed her suspicions and she inherently understood that she had to be in there with him.

“Finn, let me the fuck in now.” She banged on the door. “Please don’t make me try to break it down.” Her voice trailed off into a cry.

She heard some stumbling, indicating movement, and finally the door opened. His back was turned to her, his head bowed. He was dripping wet and shivering despite the clothes he had evidently hurriedly dragged on.

“This wasn’t the first time you’ve seen her recently, was it?” Her tone inflected with an undercurrent of intended venom.

He sucked his breath in and shook his head.

“Jesus Christ. We’re meant to be close. We’re meant to be a couple . We promised we’d talk. Do you not remember that?”

She hadn’t expected him to answer, but the silence pricked her to the bone nonetheless.

“How many times, Finn? Please tell me.” Her voice cracked.

He crumpled to the floor sideways, as if the weight of his burden had finally become too much to bear. He wrapped his arms around his knees, his head remaining tucked close to his body.

“The once on the morning we came to the festival and the other day. That’s it. Apart from the letter she gave me, she’s been calling my da. He was the one who told her about Art College. I think he thought it would put her off for good. But…” He broke down.

She couldn’t hold back any longer and reached out to touch him. He recoiled slightly.Rae bit her lip.

“That’s why you had such a full on panic attack at the festival. Oh Finn. Why did you not say anything? It really fucking hurts to know that you didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sorry.” He stuttered between chattering teeth.

“Shall I get your cigarettes? It looks like you could use one.”

“I’m not going to smoke in the house, Rae.”

“It’s not as if it’s ever bothered you before.” She spat out.

“I’ll go outside.” He mumbled and quickly fled the room.

Rae followed him down the stairs in stunned silence. He was still holding back, but there was no way of determining just how much. Her main priority was to get him dry and warm.

He returned barefoot and shaking from his ablution in the cold. That’s when his eyes lifted from the floor for the first time. Slowly, he walked towards her and stretched out a hand towards her face, but just stopped short of touching it.

“Your chin, Mae. You’ve…you’ve hurt yourself.”

She pushed his hand away. “Right now, that doesn’t matter.” Her voice softened. “Please Finn…” She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip in a futile attempt at stemming her emotions.

His head dropped again and he bit his bottom lip hard, but he was not going to evade the issue that had gnawed at him for so long. That which had made him crotchety, miserable and reclusive; the one that had caused him to retreat into a caliginous inner world.

“Just how much of the letter did you read?” He stuttered badly.

“All of it.” She answered honestly.

Finn swallowed hard, his words forming a lump in his throat. “Then you know just what kind of man I am, Rae. It’s probably best you leave now.”

“How dare you tell me how to react! Is that how little you value us, Finn? Is that it? Come on, we’ve been through a lot. We can get through this if you just open up.”

“I suppose we could try talking to Kester.” He ventured, his voice no more than a whisper.

“No Finn. Not this time. The whole point of Kester is that we learn the tools to cope with situations; that we learn how to talk about difficult things by ourselves. He won’t always be there. This time we’ll have to do it the hard way because the way I see it, it can’t wait any longer.”

“But doesn’t the letter make you realise what I am?”

She risked everything to put a hand on his arm. “All that letter showed me was the depths of Laura’s depravity. I can’t believe someone would try and get you back by slagging you off and telling you she forgave you your faults because she had finally woken up to the fact she had some too. As for the list of experiences you had together - that’s in the past. None of it shocks me in that sense.”

He looked up. “Not even the threesomes, the demands I caved into, the men she made me…”

“Oh Finn.” She tentatively and carefully wrapped her arms around him, feeling a reactive tremor running through his shaking body. “From our sessions I knew she’d manipulated you into things. I thought you’d spoken about all of it.  I just had no idea it had gone quite that far.”

“She…she touched me, Rae. She tried to kiss me when she shoved the letter in my pocket.”

Finn entire body was shaking with cold and emotion, making it hard for him to stand.

“I figured that out from the showers. Finn, I understand.”

He looked up, concern for her heavy in his eyes.

“We need to get you warm and dry before we do anymore talking. I think you’d better have a hot bath.”

“But I used all the hot water.”

Rae rolled her eyes. “How long have you lived here and not discovered the immersion heater?” She shook her head in disbelief and lead him up the stairs.

Ten minutes later, she was pouring bubblebath into the steaming water. He wandered in from his room and she made to leave. But he caught her by the hand. “Stay, please.”

Self consciously, he peeled off his damp clothes and slipped into the water and under the bubbles. Rae knelt by the side of the bath and took a sponge and started to wash him, starting with his shoulders. “I always found this helped. I imagined I was shedding the old skin like a snake but there was a new one underneath.”

He smiled and relaxed slightly into her touch. As she had predicted he recoiled a little when she reached the tattoo on his lower abdomen. But now was not the time to discuss that.

Finn was too exhausted to say anything more than muttering his profuse apologies when they finally made it into bed.  Rae explained she would have to leave for work shortly, but would be home as soon as possible, before pulling him close. He accepted her embrace and sleep carried him away pretty quickly.

Rae left for work drained and fearful about Finn’s inability to open up when it really mattered. She shattered a teacup in the bar and burst into tears. Not silent drizzly tears but full on sobs that wracked her body and left her breathless. Mortified, she felt she had to explain to Jim that Finn had finally opened up about his moment at the festival. Naturally, he’d told her to go home. But she’d insisted on working.

********  
Kester swore as he put the phone down. Although a pigeon hadn’t crapped on his head, neither had his brother stolen his milk that morning, he’d had a pretty shitty day in all. The department was being shaken up due the merrygoround of NHS funding. It appeared his department’s funding was being redirected elsewhere, just a less bitter way of saying “cut” he thought wryly.

And then he’d received the call from Rae. He’d thought he’d made real and near tangible progress with the couple. And although Rae was clearly getting there, it seemed that what he had hoped wouldn’t happen with Finn had happened. He’d always suspected Finn was holding back a little, that there was something of a facade to the way he accepted the need for talking. He had been very withdrawn in some of their sessions, particularly those on his own when Rae had been in Tunisia.

Rae hadn’t told him much, other than it was something to do with his ex. Finn had certainly talked about her in front of Rae but there had never been that much detail. He’d always tried to make the point without telling the story. He wondered how and what he had missed. He was normally so astute in his observation that he picked up on things that people unintentionally gave away. Then he considered whether he was simply past it. Too old for this game.

He hoped he’d made the right judgement call in suggesting that Rae get Finn to come in when he was ready rather than insisting on an appointment the following day.They  were grown adults and he’d done his best to instill the groundwork for solid communication. And although there had been an obvious breach in one area, he hoped the remainder provided sufficient foundations to build on.

They were always going to be a complex and awkward pairing to deal with. Both having a history of childhood abandonment, self confidence issues and traumatic relationships. Had that not be enough to contend with, Rae had suffered intermittent bouts of crippling depression and Finn, it seemed, either couldn’t or wouldn’t face up to certain issues until they threatened to destroy him.

From the little Rae had actually divulged, it seemed Finn’s delightful and abusive ex-girlfriend had had the balls to go and visit him and try and play the “I’m sorry, I’m really a nice person - can we get back together” card. It disgusted him and he found himself opening the emergency desk drawer, liberating the brandy and pouring himself a tot before he got too worked up.

**************************  
Rae arrived back at the house, emotionally and physically drained from the past 24 hours. Her heart weighed heavy in her chest at the thought of the state Finn would be in. She wasn’t going to make light of him forgetting to tell her about Liam but she couldn’t be angry with his his past or even the way he chose to deal with it. She had to admit to herself that she was disappointed and hurt that he had kept so much to himself; that the sessions with Kester hadn’t apparently brought him the enlightenment and self awareness that they had to her.

The house wasn’t silent. There was music playing upstairs,; music that she didn’t recognise with soulful vocals. She paused as she put her foot on the bottom stair, uncertain as to how much more they could face together. The seemingly perpetual wave of events that they had been riding had worn her down to a thin shell; one that could crack. Taking a deep breath, she mounted the stairs.

She was greeted by a wholly unexpected vision; Finn standing at an easel she had never seen erected, painting shirtless. There were sketches all over the floor and boxes of watercolours, oils and charcoals. He smiled at her, putting his brush down, before scooping up a shirt,  pulling it on and buttoning it up to the neck.

“Hungry?” He asked.

She nodded mutely, concerned that he was once again playing the avoidance card.

“Have a bath or whatever, tea’ll be up in about 20 minutes.” He disappeared down the stairs.

She couldn’t help but walk over to inspect what he’d been working on. Her breath caught in her throat and the blood began to run warmer in her veins. It was a portrait, very much a likeness despite the modernist style and the broad strokes of the oils. His father. She wanted to touch the contours of the paint, the layers he had so carefully built up. Instead, she followed his suggestion and ran herself a deep bath. She was about to go and lie on their bed in her pyjamas when he shouted up from downstairs.

“You’d better put some clothes on. We’re eating down here.”

Her brow furrowed as she did as he asked. Coming down the stairs, she expected flowers and dimmed lights. But there wasn’t even a single candle. He served the pasta with a pot of tea on the table. They ate in silence, Finn throwing her the occasional thin smile. He cleared up afterwards before going outside for a smoke. Rae found herself pushing her nails into her palm.

Finn returned and uttered the words she had been dreading. “We need to talk.”

A couple of tears slipped down her cheek and she began to tremble in anticipation of the “I need some space” speech. Except it wasn’t forthcoming as Finn sunk onto the sofa beside her.

“Mae?” His tone was soft as he wiped the tears away with the rough pad of his thumb.

“Finn.” She stuttered. “I know, I should have seen it….I know I’ve put you through a lot and I…” She began to cry.

“Hey, girl. I know and it’s okay. We’re where we are at that’s all. It’s me that needs to say a thousand apologies. But I was hoping to talk to you. Properly like. I mean, if you’ll listen.”

She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows.

That’s when the words began to flow out of him. They were jumbled at first, with a multitude of half sentences and incomplete beginnings. She thought that she had already heard everything by the lake at the festival, but he soon gathered pace and peeled back the layers she hadn’t even known to have existed. He told her of his life with a raw honesty,; not just pointing out his failings but also what he had enjoyed. He spoke at great length about his relationship with Laura, even the more positive aspect,s before finally stammering his way factually through the depths.

But he didn’t stop there. He carried on through what had happened from the day they met through to the present day. He spoke a great deal about his concerns and fears for her. She suggested he take a cigarette break, but he was stubborn and opted to continue and try to disentangle the threads of his feelings about Art College; how he longed to go, despite not wanting to go to London.

He was unequivocal that he thought London was not the right place for her at that point in time and it wouldn’t be fair to make her go. He had to plead with her to be allowed to continue before she clouded the words which were now flowing freely. He surprised her by explaining that the conundrum was that he didn’t really want to live in London either. He could tolerate it and had enjoyed his time working in Camden there in the past. And although it wasn’t somewhere he actively wanted to live, he hadn’t been going to turn down his Art College place because of it.

At this point Rae started to dissolve in anticipation of the suggestion he was about to make. But carefully, and partly in fear of his own body, he wrapped her in his arms and soothed her, saying that he really didn’t mind not going. That there was nothing she could say to change his mind. He was firm in his assertion that he didn’t want them to live apart and that he needed her. But he couldn’t pretend to have the answers anymore.

That’s when he finally dissected what had happened to him over the past few days. How the pressure of Art College, seeing Laura, and his fears over Liam had become enmeshed and overwhelmed him. Their relationship had also presented some unexpected questions. He admitted that they had lived in a bubble since she had returned from Tunisia, putting off facing reality, which had only been assisted by the uncertainty over college.

“You see Mae, so much about us has been about the emotional stuff; the peace we feel when the world melts away when we’re together. And of course it’s been about the physical too; how our bodies fit together how much I want you.” He blushed deeply. “But we’ve not really dealt with the practical side; I’m nearly 26 and living in a mate’s spare room. Half the time we live off take away, drink ourselves silly and we’re permanently tired. Though don’t think for one minute that I’m suggesting we sacrifice sex for sleep, Mae.” He said with crooked smile.

“What are you trying to say? I’m not sure I follow.” She ventured timidly.

“I don’t really know.” He shrugged. “I was just trying to get all me thoughts out there. But there’s a lot of stuff for me to work on.”

“Finn, when I said you needed to talk more…”

“You meant about not bottling stuff up, right?”

She nodded.

“I know.” He sighed. “But I… I had to start somewhere. I was kind of thinking of that snake; you know, shedding all the old skin so the new skin can shine through?”

She smiled wanly, still uncertain.

“Ok.” He exhaled slowly. “I…What I really want to talk about is yesterday. About how I can sometimes still feel her touch on my skin. And it makes me feel physically sick and disgusted at myself.”

She lifted his chin with her finger. “That’s why we’re down here fully dressed.”

His nod was almost imperceptible.

“Do you want me to hold you, while you talk?” She asked tentatively.

His response was to curl up with his head on her chest. She stroked his hair and kept her other hand over his as the words came painfully slowly and falteringly. There was nothing unexpected, just torrid recollections and embarrassed utterings. But it was the first time he had tried to go beyond the facts and explore his feelings and reactions in depth. His relationship with Laura had profoundly impacted his comprehension of self and left him grappling with low self esteem and shadowy memories that tormented him when he was at a low ebb.

And he’d finally confessed that he had come to hate the tattoo on his lower abdomen as it had been done according to Laura’s suggestion and under protest. It seemed to Rae that it had been an act of pure manipulation on Laura’s part.She recalled their exchange on the matter at the festival, but wasn’t sure how to proceed, how to ameliorate the situation.

“Umm, can’t you get it lasered off or something?”

His face contorted. “Nah, not my style and you’ve seen how low the damn thing goes, Mae.” He snorted in derision at his own foolishness. “We always tell people never to get each other’s names tattooed -it’s meant to be a jinx. And we always caution against these sort of relationship tattoos. And me, the cautious artist, has something he never wanted plastered all over his skin as a reminder. One I can’t get away from when we’re…”

“Can you have it covered up somehow?”

He shook his head. “Too much black ink. It’s pretty dense.”

“Well then, you’ll just have to transform it into something else like we talked about.”

“I just can’t visualise it myself. I keep trying to come up with a design. I just can’t make anything work.”

“May I?” She asked nervously.

He bit his lip in contemplation and then whispered, staring at his feet. “I…I don’t know if I can…..”

“Shall I just have a look at it? You know I won’t push you, Finn. I couldn’t.”

They walked upstairs to his room, where he stood stock still, his head turned to the side, staring at the distance as she unbuttoned his shirt and his jeans, slinging the latter low on his hips. He bit the inside of his cheek as she looked closely at the work on her knees. Even though she asked permission, he winced when she pulled his boxers a little lower to note how the lines actually dipped about half an inch under the coarse hair.

“I errm. I used to shave that bit. But I fucking hate it and shaving so much that I just.” He shrugged expressively.

There was no reaction when Rae’s fingers met his flesh; like there had been none in the bath yesterday when she’d washed him.

“You really don’t like it, do you?” He asked.

“Well it’s complicated. I don’t like it because of what it represents for you, but I like that part of your body. Can I try something?”

He nodded, bemused, his eyes still flat.

Rae pulled a packet of brightly coloured felt tips from a box on the floor and started to doodle on his stomach and up one side of his ribs until his skin was a riot of colour and scribbles.

“So what do’you think?” She asked.

He bit his lip. “Umm well. I’m not necessarily into that much  colour.” He looked up to catch her eyes which were luminous and she was smiling, her shoulders slightly shaking. He started to laugh.

“You…you.” He smirked.

“It doesn’t feel quite so bad does it?” She asked in all seriousness.

He shook his head. “I suppose it can be sorted out… but I’m not sure I need a treble clef, a dog and a cupcake there.”

“But I really liked the pink cupcake.” She said, tracing her fingers over it. “And this ice-cream with a flake.”

She felt his breath hitch a little and the atmosphere changed.

“May I touch you?” She looked into his eyes, aware of the gravity of this step.

He bit his lip and swallowed before a cracked affirmative emerged from his lips.

She took him aback by standing and slipping the shirt off his shoulders. “I love your shoulders, Finn. They are strong. I love the way you can carry me.” She dropped a kiss on one of his shoulders then the other before running her hands over his back.

“I love the way your muscles in back look, especially when they move. They’re really beautiful.” She kissed his back and ran her hands over it thoughtfully again.

She squatted down, pulling his jeans off his bottom and resting her hands on his hips. “I love the way these move, especially when you’re dancing, but best of all when you’re moving into me.” She kissed his left hip before squatting down and helping him out of his jeans. She noticed the way his legs trembled a little as he put his hand on her shoulder to balance himself.

She ran her hands down the back of his legs. “I love your legs. Legs really aren’t my thing. But yours are nice.” She giggled a little. “Sorry, legs really aren’t my thing.”

She moved round to the front and dropped a kiss on each of his feet. “Your feet hold us both up sometimes. You provide me with a firm foundation. A place I feel safe and secure.”

She stood up, taking into account the small smile growing on his lips. “I really love your chest. It’s well defined, even though you’ve lost weight.” She peppered it with kisses, her hand placed flat against the the smooth skin, ascertaining that his heart was starting to race.

“And I love your arse. It’s utterly perfect and round and… and sometimes I just want to bite into it like a violent dog.”

Finn started to laugh again, which quickly stopped when she lowered his boxers to drop a kiss on each cheek before pulling them up again.

She held his hands in hers. “Your hands are incredible, Finn. The art they create brings so much joy and the way they let you express yourself.” She kissed each hand in turn, before placing the middle and index fingers of his right hand in her mouth and sucking gently. His eyes met hers and widened as his mouth dropped open.

“These may taste a little of tobacco” She pulled a face. “But they hold your brush.” She kissed their tips and then ran her hand up one arm. “And they are really strong.” She winked.

“You know damn well that I love your arms. From the minute I saw them, I was mesmerised. Not just by their extraordinarily patterns but by their definition and they way they move and how the muscles tense and relax when you’re working. This one is quite something.” She kissed up his left arm slowly, paying special attention to the soft skin on the underside of his upper arm. His eyes were shut, his lips parted.

“But this one.” She continued picking up his right arm. “This one is my favourite. I just can’t get over the artwork.” She traced the patterns up his arm, first with her fingers and then with her lips. “But it’s also the arm you work with most and it’s a little more defined than the other one.”  
She began to nip a little at the skin, feeling the way his breath was coming a little shorter.

“And I love your neck.” She kissed up it. “I love that when I nibble here…” She attacked the sensitive spot slowly, softly biting. As if on on cue a low groan emanated from his lips. “You make that noise. I love that noise, Finn. It does things to me.”

She stroked his cheek and cupped it in her hand. “I love your jaw best when it has just the right amount of stubble on it, like today.” His eyes met hers again, his gaze was searching and hungry.

“I love your eyebrows. They are so cute and so damn expressive.” She kissed his lips softly. “And I love your eyes; they are warm and I know it’s corny, but your eyes really are the window to your soul. They sparkle when you’re happy, they are deep and intense when you’re being serious and when you’re feeling very horny, they almost turn black.”

She kissed his lips a little longer this time as he pushed his body forwards into hers. “How could I forget these lips?” She traced her finger along them slowly and lasciviously. “Apart from the fact that  they are unfairly full and kissable,  it’s what they do to me. They drive me wild.”

This time she didn’t hold back when kissing him, pulling his bottom lip between hers and sliding her tongue in. She felt his hand tangle in her hair as he reciprocated. She could tell that he was trying to temper his feelings a little, as he would keep slipping his tongue in a little and retracting it.

“And there’s one last thing.” She said, searching his eyes to be certain this was not going to be a step backwards. “Tattoo or not, this area of your body does things to me.” She said tracing a hand over his abdomen feeling the muscles flutter then tense. “But this.” She said, dropping her hand lower, relieved that he was most definitely enjoying her touch. “This may not be the prettiest part of a body. But by god, does this make me feel incredible. Even talking about it’s getting me a bit, er…” She exhaled, then studied him carefully before saying anything further, neither wanting to overstep the boundary, nor present him with an opportunity that he would feel obliged to take.

“I erm…it’s making me feel a bit, no very, erm… excited.”

“Well, I….you may feel my heart hammering in my chest.” She placed his hand on her chest. “And I’m feeling quite hot under the collar.” She placed his hand on her cheeks.

He cupped her cheek and stroked it gently with his thumb. “They are quite flushed, Mae.” He bit his lip at her.

“And erm…these harden a little. It’s funny, they hurt sometimes, but in a good way that only makes me want more.” She placed his other hand over the centre of her breast so he could feel the bud underneath and watched his lips part in silent appreciation.

Things started to unravel in her head as he caressed, rubbed and pinched the nub, sending sparks deep into her core. It took her a little while to regain the lost momentum as the soft moans that escaped his lips lingered in the warm air.

She removed his hand and slid it over her leggings. “But the real problem, Finn. The real problem is that I ache down here.”

Suddenly she stopped, aware that she had gone far, far further than she ever intended. She looked up to gauge his reaction, her hand coming to rest on his cheek.

“Are you ok with this? Am I… is it too much?”

Finn swallowed and took a deep breath before shaking his head. Then he sat on the bed.

“I…I would say something if it weren’t right. And I’d hope you’d always do the same, Mae.”

She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “I would. You already know I would. I’m more concerned about you, though. I have to be able to trust you, to believe you’ll actually say something. I couldn’t cope with…you know, it’s a form a self harm.”

Finn frowned, opened his mouth as if to speak, but ended up chewing the inside of his cheek for a few moments while he considered his words.

“It’s never been wrong with you. Just sometimes… sometimes err, sometimes sex has just not felt quite the same. But I suppose in the past I used to…” He trailed off and took her hand in his. “In the past with Laura it may have been a form of self harm. But never with you girl. I love you. I wouldn’t… I couldn’t…” His words disintegrated into the air as he kissed her hair.

It took Rae a few minutes to process and assimilate Finn’s words. She glanced up to see his dark, doleful eyes.The vulnerability etched into his face told Rae this was the truth. She cuddled up against him, gently stroking his exposed skin, concerned that he may get cold. He nuzzled into her neck and then stood up, crossed the room and slipped a 45 on the turntable. She stood up, before he’d come back, comprehending that he wanted to dance.

He started by keeping their bodies at the most respectful of distances. However, this lasted less than a couple of minutes before he took her firmly into his arms and held her tight against his body, one hand around her back, the other in her hair. By the time the second track played, his hips were swaying. By the time the third track played, they were rolling into her, betraying what he yearned for. Rae caught his eye and he blushed with a slight apologetic grimace.

“Sorry. I err….” Upon seeing the light the light in her eyes, he started to giggle.

“You are hopeless, Finn.” She grinned at him, took a step back and began to laugh.

It took Finn a few seconds to cotton on. As he looked down, he saw the way the heat of his body had dissolved the pictures Rae had drawn to leave a messy explosion of colours on his abdomen, which had leaked into Rae’s t-shirt. He bit his bottom lip in mirth and bravely took her hand in his, placing it in the thick of the bright sea.

“See what happens when you get me a bit hot under the collar, girl?”

Rae pulled her fingers away and wiped a colourful smudge down his cheek. “Yeah well… dancing was so your idea, Nelson. I presume you’ll be washing my top?”

He laughed joyfully and then ran his hand through the run ink once more. He daubed her face and ran his fingers down her neck, over the white fabric of her top, and towards her breasts.

“Yeah, of course.” Then his smile became a little crooked and he pulled her hard against him. He pressed his moist lips in a hot kiss against her neck, before peppering a trail of small kisses from one clavicle to the other. When he finally came to her mouth again, he paused and pulled back.

His eyes sought permission before he kissed her once more. The immense emotion stored within his body, carefully kept under control, was let loose. Lasciviously, he reefed at the seam of her mouth, he nipped at her lips, his tongue danced with hers as the kiss continued to build.

Although she wished to express her feelings in the language that he would understand best, Rae waited until he finally led her towards the bed.

“Can I undress you? I want us to be totally naked when we make love.”

The layers of meaning inherent in his words was not lost on Rae, who stood quietly as he took her clothes off, kissing her body as he went. Finn simply laid her on the bed in silence and began to kiss her, eyes wide and searching as he nudged her thighs apart and pressed slowly in.

*********  
Finn was still holding Rae’s hand as they arrived at the non-descript door in a quiet street away from the main hustle and bustle that was Camden. He’d taken her through the market and they’d looked at the wares and breathed in the smells and sights that he knew quite well. But he’d never left her side, nervous of how she might react to the crowded streets and streams of people. He hadn’t managed to push the thought of Liam from his mind and had even insisted on sitting right next to her when they’d eaten, when it would have been far more practical to sit opposite.

Rae was nervous. She may not have been here to have the needle touch her skin but this was a significant step for Finn. She was also unsure of what to expect. Finn had explained that his former tutor was a quiet man and not one for visitors. Even Chop had only met him a handful of times and she was the first of the girls to ever grace his door. She watched Finn press the buzzer and she felt the blood rushing in her ears.

Finn led her down a long corridor and into a surprisingly light room where he was greeted by a wiry man she supposed was in his late 50s. His skin was tanned and bore many complex tattoos rather similar but subtly different to those on Finn’s right arm.

“Good to see you, Finny.” He said hugging him. “So I see you’ve brought your lady, then?”

“Umm yes.” Finn stuttered. “This is Mae, I mean Rae; my partner.”

The man extended his hand. “Graham.”

Rae felt his eyes wander over her form before he smiled at her. “You really are something. But I knew you would be.” He smiled wistfully. “Sorry, I forget myself sometimes. Speak my mind. Tea?”

Rae nodded and followed Finn onto a battered and torn velvet couch. The room was filled with books and unusual objects, which she surmised Graham must have collected on his travels. There was a large table with two anglepoise lamps in the darkest corner covered in sheets of paper bearing sketches, part patterns and outlines. There were two chairs placed in front of this table - one wooden and utilitarian and the other an adjustable chair on wheels.

Graham took the sketches from Finn’s outstretched hands, placed them on the table and began to examine them in detail as they drank the near black liquid in silence. Rae took the opportunity to survey her surroundings in more detail. The part of the room they were sat in was relatively small with slatted wooden blinds at the windows, and the bare floorboards were host to a single rug. The walls were surprisingly sparse and pale. There was no obvious equipment or anything else that indicated his trade. She looked around for another door but there was only the one, which must have lead to the kitchen where Graham had made the tea.

“Pull the screen back.”

Rae looked up at Graham, whose eyes hadn’t left the drawings he was considering through a pair of glasses balanced on the end of his nose.Rae glanced at Finn, who nodded in confirmation. She walked slowly across the room and folded the screen back. A gasp escaped her lips as she took in what was revealed.

“Finn’s are the first two on the left. The second is probably the best of them all.” Graham’s voiced echoed through.

The room was breathtaking. What little of the walls, that could be seen, were painted a deep crimson and there was a huge cast iron fireplace on the right. The tattooing couch was in the centre and there were a number of stainless steel cabinets on wheels. There was a belfast sink built into one side with a mirrored cabinet on the wall above. But what really caught her eye were the whitewashed wooden panels hung all around the walls. They must have been at least five feet long by three feet wide. Each bearing complex black ink patterns.

Before she even got close to them, she knew they would be painstakingly hand drawn with a very fine nib or brush. She walked slowly around the room anticlockwise, taking in something of each panel before finally coming to rest in front of Finn’s. There were elements of the design that she recognised from his other work, both on her body and on his bedroom wall. But there were new and intriguing patterns and flourishes. She sat slowly on the floor to take her fill, to try and understand and interpret what she could. The voices in the other part of the room faded away in her concentration.

Her study was only interrupted when she heard Finn getting up on the couch and Graham’s slightly derisive tone, “Where on earth did you get this done?”

“New York.” Finn’s answer was clipped.

“Umm. Right. It’s a good thing I like a challenge then. You can do the honours. I need to sketch this properly so we can determine how best to work the elements together, to blend them organically.”

Rae turned round to find Finn shaving the top inch of his hair away. He didn’t appear shy or ashamed, although she thought he may have been a little embarrassed.

She watch Graham sketch the work already on Finn’s body, which was lit by large adjustable overhead light. The older man would periodically drop low and change the angle of the light, assessing the contours. When he was satisfied he nodded to Finn and walked off to his desk.

“Put a record on the old girl, will you?”

Finn smiled at Rae and wandered back through to the lighter half of the room and opened up what Rae had thought was some sort of sideboard. Finn leafed through a small selection of vinyl and selected something from a tatty thick brown paper sleeve. She wandered over to him as music she identified as jazz started to blast from some pretty powerful speakers that must have been hidden around both the larger and smaller portions of the room.

“45?” She asked Finn, confused.

He shook his head. “78s. Proper specialist stuff. Got to treat them like antique lace.”

Rae shook her head and then took his hand. He wrapped an arm around her waist and danced her slowly round the room, his head nuzzled against her neck.

She heard Graham laugh. “Well well. Finny’s properly smitten. And I can’t say I am surprised.”

“It’s a great song, this.” Rae smiled.

“Humm. I used to dance like that with my wife. She loved this song.”

Finn stopped stock still to look at Graham.

“It’s ok. Get on with ya, son. It’s a real joy to see someone enjoy the music and to dance to it again. These things shouldn’t be lost when someone dies.”

A shiver ran down Rae’s spine. Finn rubbed her back for a minute and then cupped her cheek and placed a kiss on her lips before recommencing their dance.

When they finally sat down, Graham showed Finn his sketches, using blue ink for what he proposed to add to the existing work.

Rae watched the two men discussing various points in detail and then Finn took up the pen and amended the drawing a little. Some five minutes later Graham was still grimacing some.

“This section’s still not there, Finn. It’s so heavy and dark. The balance and flow just aren’t right. We could leave it like this, but I know it will make you unhappy.”

Rae wandered over and looked at the drawings.

“It needs something. Some contrast, some shadow, some shape, something to transform it and take it away. It’s terribly oppressive and rather agricultural as it is.” Graham stroked his chin.

Finn nodded biting his lip.

“May I?” Rae’s voice was barely above a whisper. She took the drawing Graham handed to her and she studied it.

“So?” Graham asked, having permitted her some minutes of quiet contemplation.

“I…I don’t pretend to know anything about art or tattoos or…” She shrugged.

“It’s alright Mae, I don’t judge.”

She studied Graham’s face, a little put off by the name he’d chosen to call her and looked to Finn who simply smiled.

“Well, I’d like to show you something, if I may?”

When Graham nodded, she pulled down her leggings as demurely as possible to mid thigh and lifted her skirt.

Graham scooted over on the wheeled chair, he was sitting on and pushed his glasses firmly back on. “Can you come into the light Mae?”

She followed him over to the desk, where he shone the anglepoise lamp on the work on her upper thigh. He studied the intricate interwoven bands in complete silence. She glanced up at Finn and he took her hand in his, aware that at the very least, this was a most unusual experience.

“Well, well Finny. This really is something else. How the hell did you…it must have taken quite some time.” He took his glasses off and put the arm in his mouth in contemplation.

“Mae, this man is an artist first and foremost and bloody good tattooist as well. I may be more skilled with the needle than he but that comes with years and years of practice. But Finn is able to express things in a way that is quite extraordinary.”

Graham turned back to the desk and the drawing and then looked at Rae’s leg again before finally looking at Finn.

“Somehow you need to work some of that intricacy and those curves into the space between those thick lines. I could give it a go, but if it were my client, I would be sending them to you.”

Finn’s face momentarily froze at the compliment before breaking into a small smile. “But if I can draw it, the question is whether you can ink it?”

“You cheeky bugger. Get out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Better make it reasonably early, if you still think you can handle it in two sessions.”

Finn nodded and Graham turned to Rae, handing her one of the sketches.

“It’s important he sleeps tonight and eats well before he arrives.”

With that he returned to his desk and carried on working on one of the sketches. Rae took Finn’s hand and followed him out of the room.

*********************************  
They spent the night in Lucy’s room while she graciously slept in the box room. Rae had managed to get Finn to go to bed 11pm without any real challenge after they’d eaten a large amount of veggie lasagna that Lucy had made. Rae had been intrigued to discover that Finn was fond of aubergine, something neither of them had ever cooked.

She had stayed up with Lucy drinking gin from new shot glasses Finn had bought her as a thank-you-for-having-me-to-stay gift. Lucy had commented on how, although he’d tried to mask it, Finn was evidently a little nervous about the session to follow. They had debated how painful it would be, both having had tattoos inked on their ribs by Finn. Rae had made a slightly drunken comment about Finn’s reaction to shaving with the bic and the girls had dissolved into fits of laughter. Then she had asserted that that particular section of the tattoo was surely going to be exceedingly painful. But Lucy had pointed out that it all depended how sensitive that area of the body was.

And so the conversation had turned to pubic hair and bodies in general. Rae had openly admitted to not having seen that many naked bodies in her time, other than those displayed by the media. This had set Lucy off on a mission to explain that these images were not really representative. They had spent over an hour discussing women’s bodies and Rae had been comforted by Lucy’s openness about her own body image struggles; perceiving herself to be too thin and boy-like. That’s when Lucy had shown her one of her angular charcoals of a tall athletic woman with what looked to be an incredible quiff.

Shyly, Lucy had shown Rae the photos of her new girlfriend. Rae had openly admired both the confidence and the stance in the photos. She found comfort in the fact that she was not the only person who struggled with her body image and that of hers compared to her partners. Lucy had repeatedly reinforced that Rae was beautiful and Finn was the lucky one. She had also suggested that she would happily draw Rae to prove her point.

It had been harder to get Finn to eat the following morning than it had the previous evening. He had been pacing around the house until Rae switched the radio on and she and Lucy had made him laugh by dancing to Madonna using milk cartons as microphones.

************  
Rae had spent the first hour in Graham’s studio drinking tea and sitting in his small sun filled garden reading, whilst Finn and Graham harmonised the elements they had both been working on since the previous afternoon. (Finn had spent a good couple of hours on Lucy’s bed, headphones on, drawing and redrawing while Rae snoozed by his side). She had come to a natural break in her book and had went back inside to find Graham at work.

Finn had an arm tucked behind his head, eyes shut, clearly concentrating on his breathing. All she could do was change the 78s and periodically squeeze Finn’s hand when he was grimacing. She had gone out for a lengthy lunch with Lucy and to shop. Some four hours later, they returned to find Graham still working. Finn was looking pale and pretty tired. He opened his eyes briefly to look at Rae. Shortly thereafter Graham called it a day. He wouldn’t tattoo anyone for more than five hours. Looking at Finn, Rae understood why.

Finn was shaking slightly and looked shattered. He also complained that he was cold and stiff.

“Mae, he’s going to need to eat really well tonight and sleep a lot, otherwise tomorrow is not going to happen.”

Rae helped Finn clothe himself in a shirt and fleece under his coat. Finn uttered words of thanks and praise to Graham.

“Sleep well, Finny. It may not take as many hours as that sleeve of yours, but this is one hell of a piece and we’re not starting on the really intricate stuff until this lot has healed properly.”

Finn nodded and started off down the corridor. As he did so, Graham caught Rae’s sleeve.

“I know he’ll hate me for saying it. But whatever he says no extra-curricular activities. Might I suggest for a few days? He heals well, but all the same.”

***********  
Lucy had once again been the perfect host. It had been relatively easy, given her crazy cast of housemates were mostly on holiday before term started again. Only one had been around and she stuck him £20 and told him to amuse himself for the night and not to make any noise when he got back. Despite being a vegetarian, she’d suggested that Rae cook a lean steak for Finn. She’d made a number of salads to go along with it as well as an omelette, which Rae had decided she’d prefer.

Finn had taken himself off to bed at 10pm. Rae had gone in to check on him some 20 minutes later to find he was fast asleep, fully dressed under the covers with his headphones on. She gently removed them and stroked his hair before dropping a kiss on his forehead and leaving him in peace.

Rae’s evening with Lucy had been more subdued than the previous one as she had brought up the thorny issue of Art College. Although Finn had posted his letter rejecting the offered place, she wasn’t prepared to take his defeat at the hands of circumstance lying down. Despite their lengthy and testing discussion, neither had been able to identify a solid all round solution without significant compromise. But Lucy had suggested that with Finn’s permission, she speak to the professor who was very interested in Finn’s art, hoping that, against the odds, a solution could be found. She was adamant that Finn had real talent, something that could be brought out to its fullest by college. He needed to be stretched and challenged.

They had made a pact to keep Finn’s dream alive and had come away having tested and discounted number of possibilities: Finn staying in London during the week, Finn commuting daily, the pair living in town with a much shorter commute and the possibility of deferring for a year. Lucy had also suggested she speak to her aunt, who still held some sway in the artistic community even though she’d become a teacher in a rural town some years before.

Finn looked perkier in the morning and wolfed down a huge breakfast, consisting of a pile scrambled eggs on toast, cereal and two bananas. While Rae was in the shower, he’d had a lengthy discussion with Lucy about his future while drinking his third cup of tea.

Lucy had taken Rae on a tour of the Art College whilst Finn went back to Camden. There were a surprising number of students working on something, given it was the summer break. Lucy had shown Rae the basics of pottery and she found working with her hands really relaxing and stimulating. However, their quiet session had ended up in something of a clay fight initiated by Lucy. Once they had finished laughing, screaming and chasing each other round the room, they had cleaned up.

*******

The first thing Rae noticed when she ambled into Graham’s studio was the smell.

“Lavender and chamomile.” He said, pointing to a burner in the far corner near the kitchen.

Finn was lying on his side with his fingers in his mouth. He opened his eyes and smiled at her.

“Just a bit longer, Finny. You sure you can take it?” The response was a nod.

Rae sat down and watched Graham work for the first time. She noticed that he was quicker than either Finn or Mike. But in so many respects it was like watching Finn work; the intense concentration, the unbelievable attention to detail, even the way he wiped away the excess ink. But then her eyes wandered to Finn. His eyes were screwed shut and she viscerally felt his pain. She observed how his body seemed to relax after a few minutes and his breathing became deeper and even. Nevertheless, she had found it harder viewing than she had anticipated.

When he had done as much as he was prepared to, Graham completed the post tattoo ritual with a tenderness that touched Rae. Finn kept trying to tell him that he could put the cream on himself but was positively told off. What surprised Rae more was that Graham then insisted that he make Finn something to eat before he left. The three of them sat at the wrought iron table in the garden, eating a chicken salad. Graham would periodically drop an interesting snippet of Finn’s apprenticeship into conversation. Sometimes it would make her laugh, sometimes her eyes would open wider and once or twice she looked at him through new eyes.

By the time they got on the train home, Finn was shaky and shivering as she had come to expect. She swapped his leather jacket for her thicker coat. He fell asleep not long after the train departed as they were passing through some particularly dreary suburb of north London. A protective instinct kicked in when she remembered Graham’s words about taking good care of him and she wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Looking out of window, she felt a fresh determination rise within her. Somehow, they had to find a way for Finn to be able to fit all the pieces of his dream together. But she now recognised that her own dreams and ambitions very much formed a part of that jigsaw.

********************************  
Gently applying cream to Finn’s healing skin had been something Rae insisted upon. He had been a little shy about the whole affair and was desperately ticklish to boot,  but it had become a twice daily part of their routine; an intimate window of peace and tenderness to be accompanied by music of his choice. Three days in and he was starting to complain more vociferously about her sticking to Graham’s rule. But it was on the morning of day four that they discovered that they had run out of cream.

They found themselves unlocking S&N’s and liberating some from the boys’ personal stash. Giggling, Finn sat down on his own couch, feeling like an errant schoolboy in anticipation of something a little naughty. But as Rae’s fingertips slowly and reverently rubbed the cream onto his skin, he fell silent. He looked up and she smiled at him. He opened his mouth as if to speak and she placed a finger towards her lips. He watched the way her hair slipped from behind her ear and he desperately wanted to run his fingers through it. He had cheekily plumped for Marley that morning and she was wiggling her hips in a most distracting manner.

“Mae.” His voice was husky.

She gazed into his eyes, her fingers still on his abdomen. Certain he had her attention; he tried to speak, but ended up running his tongue wordlessly between his lips. A smile crossed her lips before she recommenced her ministrations. He had struggled with her touch for the last couple of days and now he was feeling little shockwaves throughout his body. He shut his eyes and tried to control his breathing.

All of a sudden Rae was squatted low at his side. “You ok?” He opened his eyes to find hers brimming with concern.

Turning his head a little, he leant forward and pressed his lips against hers. He pulled back. “I love you.” He mouthed.

She looked radiant as she replied. “I know”

As she applied cream to the last and lowest portion of his skin, Finn’s body reacted in the way he had concentrated so hard to prevent. Rae looked down at him, assessing his full parted lips, the darkness of his eyes and how he had raised his upper body up on one arm.

“You know damn well what Graham told me.” Her tone may have been resolute, but her hand remained on his warm skin.

“But.”

“The others have arrived, Finn.”

He had covered himself up and was busy dealing with his trousers as unusually raised voices resounded in the front of the shop. Finn wandered out with Rae just behind him. He stopped and rapidly took a step back. Chop and Mike stood unwavering, off to one side.

“Laura…” Finn stammered. Rae couldn’t stop in time and bumped into the back of him. Finn didn’t appear to notice, remaining paralysed in front of her.

“I wanted to see if you’d read my letter.” Laura stated confidently.

Finn nodded mutely.

“So?” She asked, taking a step forward. “I meant it. I’m sorry. I’ve changed. You know how much I want you back.”

Rae felt the bile rise to her throat, but Chop got in first. “Just piss off. It should be bleeding obvious by now that he doesn’t feel the same.”

“Who asked you?” She snarled. “Come on, Finn. You know I really meant it.” She persisted and put her hands on his arms.

Rae started to panic when Finn remained still.. But Laura was undeterred and got closer still, her hand edging onto his chest.

“Get away from me.” He snarled.

Rae had never heard this tone before and her breath started to come quicker.

“Finn, you don’t mean that.” Laura cajoled.

“I do. I don’t want you anywhere near me.”

“Laura, will you please just stop and leave.” Mike asked as politely as possible.

Laura stepped a little closer to Finn and ran a hand down his chest. “We’re so good together, Finn. We make sense.”

Finn snorted derisively. “You think that we were good together. We made sense? Do you really?”

Laura nodded meekly.

“You’re fucking deluded.” He shook his head. “Saying those things is like insulting me, Laura. Your behaviour in our so called relationship disgusts me. I don’t think you even liked me.”

“But I love you, Finn.”

“You don’t. You never did. You always said I was never good enough for you. That I was just your ‘pretty boy’.” He spat. “And the sad thing is, I believed you. I was wrong. It was you. You weren’t good for me. You weren’t good enough for me. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but I don’t want to see you again. For as long as I live. You can call me and write to me as many times as you want, but I’ll never speak to you or read your letters. It’s pretty simple. I don’t want you in my life. Not now, not ever. Now will you please get your fucking hands off me.” He growled.

“Why?” Rae was shocked to find Laura looking genuinely confused.

“Because your touch makes me feel sick. It revolts me. You revolt me.”

Before any of them could register what was happening, Laura had swung a solid right hook and caught Finn’s eye. It didn’t stop there, her fists continued to fly at him.

Rae couldn’t take it any longer and placed herself between Laura and Finn.

“If you want to use anyone as a punchbag, you can use me.” Her tone cool and calm belied her inner state. She felt Finn tugging at her shirt and Mike and Chop joining her, one on each side.

Shock registered on Laura’s pretty face.

“You’re not going to hit me, are you?” Rae raised her eyebrows.

Laura looked at Rae head on and shook her head.

“Why is that?” Rae asked

“You’re a woman, aren’t you?” Laura responded unequivocally.

“Right, so it’s ok for you to lash out at Finn because he’s a man?”

“He’s much bigger and stronger than me. He can take it. He doesn’t mind.”

“Jesus Christ. I’ve heard it all now. Have you ever asked him how it makes him feel? Huh? Has it ever crossed your mind that he might not like being treated like shit?”

A look of pure vitriol flashed across Laura’s face. “Oh so that’s it. You.” She exhaled a short puff of breath contemptuously. “You must be his….. his new bit of stuff. Gary told me about you.” Her eyes ran down Rae’s body to her feet and back up. “I’d be lying if I said standard’s hadn’t slipped. He’ll be bored of you in…”

Rae felt Finn working up to say something, but this was her battle. “Stop. Don’t think I haven’t heard it all before. It’s funny how based on one quick glance at my body you think you can judge how interesting I am, whether I can maintain a relationship. I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself. I’m not denying you have a perfect figure. But there’s so much more to life than just the way you look.” Rae paused and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Besides, and it might surprise you, my body’s damn beautiful. And it’s not just me that thinks so.”

Finn’s arms slipped around her waist from behind, making a point. He raised his eyebrows at Laura, defying her to say something.

“Finn.” Laura’s voice was much quieter. “Can’t we just talk?”

His face contorted into a sneer. “Talk?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Don’t you feel anything for me?”

Finn shook his head. “Only pity. I can’t even bring myself to loathe you anymore. Now, will you please leave?”

With that Finn let go of Rae’s waist, taking her hand in his and turned his back on Laura, walking them back towards the office. As the went through the door, Rae heard the shop bell ring and she breathed a sigh of relief.  She sat Finn down on the desk and started to look at his eye and cheek, which was already starting to swell.

Mike came in and immediately bundled up some ice in a towel and placed it on Finn’s face.  
“Should I?” He motioned at the door.

“No.” Both Finn and Rae responded in union, glancing at each other and then laughing.

“Right, I’ve locked the door. Do you want me to call the police?” Chop asked earnestly.

“No. It’s fine. I’m fine. Really, I am.” Finn smiled. “But I could murder a brew.”

Mike switched the radio on and then the kettle.

“So what were you two doing here at this time of the morning?” Chop asked.

“Run out of cream for my new ink.” Finn responded.

Mike, who had been itching to see the work, but hadn’t asked because he thought Finn would show them when it was finished, finally conceded. “You know how much I think of Graham, has he….”

With his free hand, Finn pulled up the side of his shirt with a little difficult. “Mae, can you hold the ice?”

Rae watched as Finn proudly revealed the partly completed work for Mike and Chop to inspect. Given what had just happened, she was even more surprised that he spontaneously lowered his jeans a little to show the work that began just beneath the top of his boxers.

Mike was on his knees getting a closer look and Chop was bent over. Rae started to chuckle.

“What?” Finn asked in a totally relaxed, if a little jovial, manner.

“It’s just that it looks like they’re worshipping you.” She laughed.

“Well we’re worshipping at the altar of some of the best ink you’ll ever see.” Mike answered, grinning.

“Bet that bloody hurt.” Chop nodded.

“It was ok.”

“You and Graham designed this together didn’t you? This isn’t just his work.” Mike asserted confidently.

“But how?”

“Much as your style is similar to his, based on his even at the start, you’ve really developed something of your own, Finn. It’s becoming more defined with time and it’s most certainly unique. I still can’t work out how you do it.”

Finn blushed as Mike stood up. “How’s the eye feeling, fella?”

“‘s alright.” He said pulling the ice away from his skin and trying to blink.

“Ooh that’s gonna be a right shiner.” Chop said.

“You don’t think she’ll come back again, do you?” Finn’s voice was quieter than it had been since Laura had arrived.

Mike shook his head. “I know you’ve thought you’ve been clear with her before. But that has to be it. And I’m sorry mate, but if she does come back, I’m calling the Police. I can’t have her assaulting my staff and kicking off. And as my friend, I’m worried about your safety. So we’ll be installing a buzzer and keeping the door locked from now on. But for what it’s worth, I really can’t believe she’ll be back.”

**********************************************  
Rae sat back on the sofa in Mike’s flat, sipping the tall stemmed glass of Rose that Chloe had given her. The flat hadn’t obviously changed since Chloe had moved in, but there were subtle signs of her friend’s touch, like more cushions, more shelves and some stunning monochrome photos of the couple; both dancing and relaxed, and some taken outdoors.

Rae wouldn’t say anything, but Mike’s wardrobe appeared to have expanded. He often looked that little bit sharper, a bit cleaner cut, but he was still Mike. After giving Chloe a rather lengthy kiss, he had disappeared out of the door for drinks with the boys in jeans, a checked cotton shirt and a beanie on the back of his head. Rae had noticed the way their hands lingered in each others, trailing apart as he walked off.

“So Rae, how are you? I feel like we haven’t seen each other for ages.” Chloe smiled.

“Good. Yeah, good.”

Chloe raised her eyebrows.

“I’m fine. Seriously. I’m living with the most incredible, kind and good looking man. I have friends, a job and my course starts soon.”

Rae noticed that Chloe was beaming and twirling her glass.

“Come on Chlo. What is it?”

Chloe shook her head, but she couldn’t stop smiling, which is when Rae saw it.

“Oh my god Chlo. Oh my fucking god. No way. Oh my god. Congratulations.” She practically leapt on her oldest friend, embracing her with joyous voracity.“When? How? Oh my god!”

“Bloody hell Rae, you’re even more excited than me right now.”

Chloe began to cry into Rae’s embrace.

“Chlo?”

“I’m just so happy you’re happy for me.” She paused and wiped away a tear with her index finger. “I was worried you’d say it’s too soon, we don't’ know each other well enough…that sort of thing.”

“Oh Chlo.” Rae rested her head against her friend’s. “I wouldn’t judge you. And you know what’s right for you, not me. But if you really want to know, I think it’s brilliant. So what if you’ve not been with each other that long? I know he loves you Chlo like you love him. But seriously Mike knows his mind. What a lovely surprise.”

“I know. I never saw it coming. And it was so perfect. We were dancing in the park on the floor near the bandstand. He kissed me and whispered it in my ear. I thought it was just a - ‘will you one day’ thing. But, on the way home, we stopped in a corner of a quiet park. He said he needed to tie his shoelaces, but there he was down on one knee.”

Chloe held out her hand to Rae, who looked at the simple diamond solitaire in amazement.

“It’s so perfect. So beautiful. So are you.” Rae’s face lit up again and she hugged Chloe.

“And I thought Mike wasn’t the marrying kind. I mean he’s hardly conventional. My dad’s going to flip, but quite honestly Rae, I really couldn’t give a damn.”

“You sure you mean that Chlo? How are things between your dad and Mike?”

“Dad tolerates Mike as he’s so polite, different and charming. But I’m convinced he thinks it’s just a phase. That Mike’s another boyfriend. I don’t know if that’s a line mum spun him to keep him from blowing up over us.” Chloe shrugged; her face had fallen a little.

“Oh Chlo.” Rae stroked her hand soothingly. “You’re the one marrying Mike, not your father. Just remember that. And your mum likes him doesn’t she?”

Chloe nodded. “She wouldn’t say too much in front of dad. But she adores Mike. Even told me he had a great body underneath the tatts!”

Rae sniggered. “So when’s the big day then?”

Chloe shrugged. “We’ve not set one yet. Next summer at the absolute earliest. We’re in it for good. No need to rush.”

“Bet you’ve already bought a couple of bridal mags though Chlo!”

Chloe laughed. “Well maybe one or two.”

Rae raised her eyebrows, causing Chloe to rise to her feet, cross the room, open one of the huge bank of white cupboards and pull out a sizeable pile of magazines. “Ahh so that’s where you keep your stash!”

Chloe shrugged. “Well saves the cluttering up the place, doesn’t it?” She deposited the magazines between them on the sofa and Rae noted the collection of mini post-it notes sticking out of the top of the pile.  
Almost out of politeness, Rae started flicking through the pile, noting, in particular, the content of the marked pages, which happened mostly to be dresses. “Flippin’ heck I never knew there was so many styles of wedding dress; short, long, lacey, frilly, empire line, Victorian, modern, sequined, corseted. How the hell are you even supposed to begin?”

“Tell me about it. I mean, this isn’t just any dress. It’s so much more than even the dresses for a dancing competition. You know everybody’s going to be looking at you in a competition. But at a wedding? The photos stay with you for the rest of your life. You don’t want to find yourself thinking you should hide the photos some 20 years on because you’re wearing some terribly dated creation; a creature of its own time. So it’s all about choosing something classic in a shape that flatters you best. But of course it’s not that simple for Mike and I is it?”

Rae’s brow furrowed.

“Most grooms would be happy wearing a quality plain suit or traditional morning suit.” Chloe continued at a pace. “But Mike? He’s going to want something special, something tailor made and beautifully cut. No doubt with a matching hat or some other custom accessories. And I have to take all that into account to make sure our styles don’t clash or mis-match. And that’s so difficult when the dress has to be a surprise. The first the groom should know of the bride’s dress is when she walks down the aisle.” Chloe was cuddling a cushion to her chest looking wistfully into the distance.

“And Rae, weddings are very expensive if you want to do it properly. It’s not just about the outfits is it? You’ve got to hire a venue, sort out a colour scheme, flowers, car, photographer. There’s table plans and the tricky issue of the guest list. Not to mention the menu, decoration, wedding favours and the cake. It’s especially hard as we are one of the first couples amongst our collective friends to get married. It’s so important to get it right. Set a good benchmark. I mean you wouldn’t want to go to some wedding two years later and wish you’d done something differently would you?”

“I suppose not.” Rae had never considered the issue before. “So err, what ideas has Mike had?” She asked without considering her own question because she couldn’t really think of what else she could say, or add to the discussion.

“Well.” Chloe’s face dropped a little. “We haven’t exactly discussed it in detail. It’s a bit hard without a date or budget in mind”

Rae squeezed her friend’s hand reassuringly. “It’ll be ok Chlo. It’ll all come together in its own good time.”

“You will be my bridesmaid, won’t you?” Chloe’s voice was unusually hesitant.

“Duh yeah! On one condition. “ Rae smirked. “I am not wearing a dress that resembles a toilet roll cover or a doily.”

Both of the girls burst into laughter and hugged. As the laughter died away, Chloe looked back down to her magazine and closed it. “Right that’s enough wedding chat for one day. How are you and Finn, more to the point?”

“I said we were good earlier.” Rae stated dismissively, showing sudden interest in the magazine she was holding.

Gently, Chloe removed the magazine from Rae’s hands and placed on top of the pile. “Rae?”

Rae remained quiet for a couple of minutes, staring at the pile, seeking the explanation that was eluding her. “Sorry. It’s just this whole Art college thing is starting to drive me round the bend.”

“I thought Finn said he’d rejected the place.” Chloe put down her glass and edged towards her friend.

“He has.” Rae glanced down and then looked up to meet Chloe’s gaze. “I feel like it’s a Catch-22 situation. I don’t think he’ll be truly fulfilled unless he goes. And I keep thinking about it, to see if there’s a way to make it work. But none of the options seem really satisfactory.”

“Listen Rae, if Finn’s made his mind up, is there any point in worrying about these things?” Chloe’s tone was soft.

Rae shook her head. “I can’t help it. I can’t, Chlo. I want Finn to be happy. He deserves his chance in life too. His chance to make something of himself. My course is due to start in less than two weeks and I’m sure I could transfer to somewhere in London. I can cope with the thought that Liam might be out there. But I don’t think Finn can. Besides….” She hung her head. “I just can’t get away from the fact that I really don’t want to go to London. Maybe if I was twenty things would be different, but I’m not. You’re all here. I have a part time job, Kester and mum aren’t too far away. And although all of that makes my decision feel easier, I can’t bear the thought that I’m holding him back.”

Rae looked tearfully at Chloe. “It’s the not knowing how we’re going to fix this that’s so hard. And much as I love Chop’s, we can’t live like students forever. Shit Chlo, I’ve got what I thought I wanted and now… now I don’t know what I want.” Rae began to cry.

“Shush Rae. You’ll find a way through this. You and Finn together. I know he’s had a lot of his own crap to deal with, but he adores you. He’s yours for keeps if you want him.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know what I want.”

Chloe looked flabbergasted.

“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry I’m such a mess Chlo.” Rae sobbed. “I’m so fucking hormonal right now, I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Oh Rae, that bitch gets to the best of us sometimes. Come here.”

As Chloe pulled Rae into a hug, her friend whispered. “But I’m late. At least a week late.”

*************************************  
Finn arrived back from London in a good mood. He was finally starting to see the light; a way forward. There were still meetings to be had, people to convince and a major problem on the home front that was giving him sleepless nights. But he remained steadfast and sure. He still looked like he had been in a fight, but somehow it didn’t bother him this time.

Rae wasn’t due back from work for another couple of hours, which would give him time to prepare a decent meal. Part of his epiphany had been that neither of them had been eating well or generally looking after themselves.

He had lost weight and definition due lack of exercise and Rae’s eating habits had begun to trouble him. Instead of eating meals, she often would often just snack on chocolate or crisps. Whilst her calorie intake may have been sufficient, it was certainly neither nutritious nor healthy. Her course was imminently starting and he wanted to make sure she was in the best place to cope with it.

Finn hung his coat up in the hall and began to search through the fridge, deciding what he was going cook, as he wanted the four of them to eat together. Whatever happened, they wouldn’t be living together much longer. Chop hadn’t mentioned it yet, but he knew it was coming. He was reading the use by dates on the packs of meat in the fridge when he heard a noise upstairs. He frowned, placed the food back and wandered up the stairs.

“Oh my god, Mae. What’s happened?” He ran over to the bed, where she was sitting crying.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes and he began to panic, eyes frantically searching round the room for a clue. When he put a hand on her she began to tremble.

“Mae please, you’ve got to help me here. You’re frightening me.”

“Finn, you’re going to hate me. “

“Don’t be daft. Whatever it is.I’m sure we can sort it out.”

All sorts of possibilities ran through his brain but none seemed to fit the bill. Then he remembered something that he perhaps should have.. He sat next to her on the bed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and exhaled deeply.

“You’re late, aren’t you?”

Rae looked up to see his warm brown eyes. “But how?”

“Well I was kind of expecting you to be …you know by now. It’s been well over a month since we erm…had a break because of….”

Finn took a deep breath. “Do you want me to go to the chemist, or have you already…” He broke off uncertain as to whether he had misunderstood exactly what she was telling him.

She squeezed his hand. “Could you? Please.”

He nodded, dropped a kiss on her temple and ran out of the house. The cogs began to whirr as he recalled that night when she’d scribbled on him in felt tip. He’d forgotten and gone in without a johnny. He’d pulled out, but he wasn’t ignorant. He understood the risk he put them through. As far as he was concerned, this lay entirely at his door.

By the time he arrived back, clutching the now crumpled paper bag in his hand, Finn’s brain was working at a hundred miles an hour. What he thought was one thing, what worried him far more was Rae and how she was going to react whatever the outcome. He handed Rae the bag with a shaking hand and put an arm around her shoulders.

“It’s probably best just to do it, girl. No point fighting shadows.” It was the first time he’d seen her smile. “I’m assuming you don’t want me to come into the bathroom with you?”

Rae’s eyebrows shot up. “I do know how to pee on my own.”

Finn sat on his bed, biting his cuticles when Rae returned.

“Thought you might be having a sly ciggie out the window.”

He shook his head. “I told you. I’m not smoking in the house anymore.”

“Well, I’ve left it in there.” She shrugged. “It’s not an instant answer. You have to wait a few minutes. And…” She pursed her lips. “I want you to use those few minutes to tell me what you want the answer to be.”

Finn looked up, his mouth hanging open. “You can’t ask me that, Mae. That’s. I can’t. Whatever I say will be wrong.”

“Finn, I need to know how you feel.”

“Can’t we just wait for the result first and then we’ll talk?”

In the end Finn brought it upon himself because he couldn’t stand to see her cry.

“Ok Mae. Saying ‘I love you’ sometimes doesn’t cut it, does it? Its a bit cheesy. A bit cliched for what I want to express. You know I’m no good with words, don’t you?”

He gazed at the woman sat on his bed; her dark eyes moist, wide and almost luminous. And he intuitively understood what she needed. He took a deep breath, then another before looking her in the eyes.

“ You need to know you are my ‘to have and to hold.’ You are in here.” He said, curling a fist tight against his own chest.“You make me happier than I believed was possible. You helped me accept myself when I hated everything I’d become, when I couldn’t see anything other than endless days of the same old crap. You are the light in my darkness. The hope in my despair. The faith when I doubt myself.You will always be part of me because whatever happens to us, now or in the future, I will carry you with me.”

The words seemed to leave him at this point. The initial burst of energy had flickered out leaving him drained and fearful.

“There’s a but there, isn’t there Finn?” A tear trickled down her cheek.

Somehow his concern for her galvanised him. “Mae, before all of this I knew it would be a real honour for you to carry my children.” A little colour rose to his cheeks. “And yeah if that’s to be now, then we’ll make it work. You’d be a great mother. After all, you’ve had plenty of experience with me.” His strained laugh died off almost as soon as it had begun.

“The thing is.” He sucked some air in between his teeth because he had to get this right. “You know, my overriding memory of my childhood is my mother leaving. And it frightens me sometimes, because I can’t remember the good things. That’s all there is when I think back. But that’s by the by, I suppose. What I do know, is that it is important for children to have solid foundations. And we’ve got the beginnings of them, Mae. But, being totally honest, after the year we’ve had, I probably wouldn’t choose for us to start a family right now.”

For a fleeting moment, he was terrified she would get up and leave, but instead she took his hand in her own. This provided him with sufficient courage to continue.

“What I think we need right now is some time to be, to grow together to put our demons well and truly to rest. We need to go to work, eat dinner, spend time with our friends and be us without all the shit we’ve been through..”

Rae was crying silently on his shoulder. She whispered, “I love you, Finn.”

Then she got up and walked out to the bathroom. He wanted to run through when he heard her sobbing, but inherently believed she would come through when she was ready to come to terms and discuss their changed future. The minutes imposed a torture he could never have predicted. He was feeling nauseous with ebb and flow of emotions as she returned and threw herself at him.

“It was negative.” She croaked into his neck.

He pulled her as tight as he could and stroked her hair whispering soothing nonsense into her ear as he rocked her. “Oh Mae, it’s alright girl. It’s ok, sweetheart.”

“Can you put some music on? Please, I need music.”

Rae curled up on the bed as the first strains of Roberta Flack’s soulful voice permeated the room. Finn lay down behind her with his arms around her shoulders.

“I know it’s silly because I didn’t want it to be positive.” She chastised herself. “But I’m upset because it was negative.”

Finn pressed his lips to her neck. “I know.” His voice cracked. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit disappointed too. I know what I said but…”

He was interrupted by Rae rolling over to face him. “Finn. I am so proud of you. You say you’re no good at talking.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “But you…Jesus..I and I know you meant every word you said. That was so brave of you. So very brave. But you’re right. We need some quiet time. I don’t think either of us could take anymore drama right now. My course is due to start soon and I need to make plans, I need stability. I feel I’m walking a knife edge again.”

Finn swallowed back his own tears. “Mae, I’m going to be with you. We’ve been through this all before. You know I’m not going to London.”

“But your course, your scholarship. I can’t take you away from that.”

“I’m working on it. I promise.”

Rae was so tired that she didn’t question what he meant. She simply allowed him to soothe her to the slumber she so clearly needed.

***********  
The rhythmic click clack of the train and it’s gentle sway had not sent Rae off to sleep as she had hoped, despite Finn’s comforting solid body pressing alongside hers. He had taken the window seat and was completely absorbed sketching in a small book that he had taken to carrying everywhere with him. Although she had her headphones in, and was trying to concentrate on the sound of Rick Witter’s voice, her mind kept taking her back to the events of the previous week.

A heavy period had arrived three days after the false alarm. One that left her tired, irritable and even more deflated. However, work had provided something of a distraction and Izzy had organised a girls’ movie night at theirs, to which Jim had been invited. With Jim’s help, Rae had somehow persuaded one of the sous-chefs to bake them some fancy cakes topped with strawberries and raspberries.

She and Izzy had both sat there unashamedly in their pyjamas when the others turned up. Chloe had been quick to join in and change. Even Jim had worn loose tracksuits bottoms and a hoodie, a contrast to his normal shirts and jeans. Chloe had made her a hot water bottle which she had clutched to her stomach. Naturally Jim had enquired what was wrong and that’s when the whole sorry tale had come out. Izzy had been crying to the extent that Rae had been the one to comfort her at the end. Somehow the conversation had then moved onto whether Jim felt comfortable being invited to a girls’ night. It had been Rae’s idea and she had started to wonder whether her decision had reinforced some negative stereotypes for him.

Jim had laughed the whole thing off, explaining that a movie night was a movie night, especially where  pyjamas were involved. He may not have been the best person to advise on periods and other such things relating to a female anatomy, but he was pretty relaxed. He had clearly wanted to talk so Rae had gently nudged him along supportively. Jim had been very open that neither he nor Archie filled a specific “role” in the relationship; they were both equals, both very similar in outlook and both utterly confident as gay men. There had been moments of course, where there had been name calling and prejudice, but their tactic was always to leave quietly and let the emotions out later.

Jim explained that they would probably get married in the future, were it legal to do so, but a commitment ceremony wasn’t quite their thing. But he did divulge that he and Archie were planning a trip to the Caribbean. One intended for rest and relaxation and he had high hopes for romantic times. Archie had been struggling to unwind after work and they had faced a spate of living as flat mates rather than partners.

This is when Chloe had surprised the whole group by professing the opinion that phases like that were to be expected in relationships. As she put it, “life isn’t like the movies”. People had to work at relationships, there would be good times and bad. And in the good times, there would be difficult things and in the bad times, uplifting things. She went on to say that although she and Mike had got engaged, it wasn’t rose petals and champagne all the way. She still hadn’t told her parents due to concerns about her father’s reaction, particularly given how short the courtship had been. Rae had offered to go back to Stamford with her to be a shield or diversion, whatever was needed. But Chloe had shaken her head stating that she and Mike would be making the trip at the right time, come what may the outcome.

It had felt like a defining moment in their relationship; where they had both reached the point of having other best friends in the form of their partners. Not that this would change their status beyond the bounds of their romantic relationships but it had left Rae feeling something she couldn’t quite identify. They had hit the beers pretty hard at that point, although with hindsight, Rae wasn’t convinced that Izzy had kept up with the rest of them.

The following day had utterly floored Rae. She had been hungover, tired and grumpy. Finn had already left for work when she had received the call. Liam had been found checking into rehab for his drink and drugs problems in Ireland. The local Police had pulled him in for questioning. What had caused Rae to sink to her knees was the news that he had admitted to what had happened, although he had yet to make a signed confession.

By the time the WPC had turned up, there were no more tears to be cried. Their conversation had been pretty short because Rae had already chosen her path with a steely determination. Nonetheless, she had been left shaken, but worse than that was the emotional oblivion. She had sat on the sofa for some hours, staring into the bottom of a teacup. Eventually, she had got up and found her pre-course work on the sideboard. It had taken a few deep breaths but it had taken her away from tenebrous demons that threatened to overrun her mind.

Finn made all the right noises about it being her decision, but she had known he had struggled and was continuing to struggle with her choice. He would have preferred the security and safety net of a prosecution. But at the same time, he’d acknowledged the potentially devastating implications of going to court. Hers was not a decision made out of an emotional fragility that would not withstand the prosecution stand, but of a quiet courage. One that reaffirmed the importance of being true to herself. He’d stayed up with her throughout the night, tracing shapes on her skin and uttering soft words of endearment and support.

Kester hadn’t been shocked by her decision, but had counselled her at length as to its far reaching implications and it being a point of no turning back. She had accepted this magnanimously; possibly a little resigned, but steadfast in her convictions.

Rae realised that her CD had long finished as she tuned into the sound of Finn humming in intense concentration as he drew. His fringe had flopped over his forehead and was hanging over his eyebrows. Her fingers twitched with the want to stroke it, to expose those deep soulful eyes. She stopped herself, not wishing to disturb his creativity. The seeds of doubt about his decision to stay in Lincoln had budded into something more palpable and harder to ignore now. Watching him work had metamorphosed from a pleasure into a more uncomfortable state; one tinged with guilt and fear. Fear of of the consequences of holding him back, of tying him to a life that constrained him artistically. One where his full potential may never be reached.

Subconsciously she rubbed her left eye as if he trying to prevent one of the tears that threatened from falling.

“You alright, girl?” His voice broke her silent vigil.

She smiled at him thinly and bumped his shoulder with hers. Could do with a cup of tea when we get there. My throat’s as parched as the Sahara.”

He lifted his eyebrows a little. “Well, we can’t have that can we?” His gaze remained on her. “You sure you’re ok, Mae? We can always go back. This whole trip was a bit selfish of me, really.” His voice became quiet and a little unsteady.

It was her turn to frown as the smile fell from his face.

“I mean I should be looking after my girl properly. Humm.” He pulled her tight against him and kissed her hair.“You probably need to be preparing yourself for your course next week. Not spending three days in London with me on a jolly to get my ink finished. I know you’re getting to spend the day with Chlo today, but I still shouldn’t have.”

He shook his head at himself and took her hand in hers. “Fuck. You’ve had a shitty week. Nah, a pretty horrendous week, and…” He paused to tuck the hair behind her ear. “Come here.” He whispered gruffy, pulling her into his arms and letting his book fall to the floor.

“There’s just so much changing right now.” She whispered. “My course, Chloe and Mike are engaged, Jim and Archie are moving in with each other for keeps and…and the whole Liam thing.”

She felt the thudding of his heart in his chest and the slight quiver in his arms as he held her tight. But she couldn’t relax and felt her skin prickled with the heat of the words she wanted to say. She tried to fight the sensation, but it seeped in pore by pore until she could no longer tolerate it.

“I…I need the toilet.” She quipped and rushed off down the carriage.

There was no solace to be found in the squalid and pungent train toilet. She splashed water onto her face, over and over again. But the disquiet wouldn’t settle. Instead it grew with every minute. For a split second at Knebworth she pondered what would happen if she disembarked and walked away from it all.

The momentary flash of the consequences playing out in front of her eyes was sufficient to send her running back towards Finn.

“You get locked in or something, you numpty?” He said with an unconvincingly jovial tone and a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

She shook her head and the words just poured from her mouth. “We have to talk about Art College, Finn, because you have to go. You’re wasted in Lincoln. You’re so much more than ink and moonlighting in London. There’s so much more to come, so much more for you to discover and explore. You can’t squander your god given talent just because I can’t hack London. You can’t. And I won’t be a part of it. I refuse to the reason you stay and the rest of the world never gets to see what you’re capable of. I won’t have it.”

“But Mae, it’s my life. It’s my decision and my choice.”

She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not having it, Finn. And it’s more than shitty that it’s right when I need security, routine and peace that you need to stretch your wings. But that’s just the paths we’re destined to go down and…” She trailed off as the tears began to stream down her cheeks. “And just maybe this is the point where our paths diverge.”

“No. Mae. No.” His voice bordered on fierce. There was anger in his eyes.

“You can’t just tell me what I can and can’t do. What’s right for me. That’s my decision. Mine. And I have chosen not to go to London. I’m not denying that I want to go to college, that I want to learn, but sometimes other things have to come first.”

“They don’t, Finn. Please don’t do this.”

“What do you mean by ‘please don’t do this’? It’s you that’s doing it, Rae. You refuse to acknowledge and accept my decisions and instead, you try and tell me what to do. You’re going to have to do better than that. Just last week you were telling me that we were it, our relationship was important, that you wanted to spend your life with me. And now you say all this. Am I not enough for you?” Finn’s voice had increased from moderate to loud.

Rae looked around the carriage; people were most certainly looking at them. And try as she might, nothing came out of her mouth.

“Seriously?” Finn stared at her. “Rae?” His chest was heaving with the struggle of forcing air into the ever constricting space. “Without Art School, I’m not enough for you?”

Panic started to descend on her as she couldn’t fathom how she had managed to back herself into a corner that only existed in her imagination. She remained paralysed as he got up, pushed past her, walked down the corridor and out of the carriage.

Head falling into her hands, she tried to stem the confusion, consternation and distress that began to guilefully permeate her being. Shaking in silence for some minutes, she stared out of the window, trying to calm herself down. She pulled her sleeves down over her hands and stroked the soft flannel of the shirt she was wearing with her thumbs. Her eyes dropped to stare at the familiar pattern of his shirt. That’s when she spied his book on the floor, discarded under the the seat in front. She bent down and picked it up. Perhaps it should be considered an intrusion to look inside, but she couldn’t help herself. She needed to see what was within.

The first few pages bore familiar patterns and shapes that belonged in the tattoos that he liked to ink most. Then there were a couple of sketches of Myrtle lying stretched out in the sun in the garden. The following drawing stole her breath. For it was a portrait of her; an unbelievably intimate one of her sleeping. Her hair was spread out behind her, a hand was tucked on the pillow in front of her and she was curled around on her side. It was impossible to decipher when he may have drawn this. But it was clear she was peaceful. The outlines were soft but there was so much detail in the small depiction. Her fingers unwittingly traced its outlines and the tears started to come again.

Flicking over again, she frowned at the following pages. They were extraordinarily fine drawing and completely unexpected, for they comprised a series of botanical drawings of plants she recognised: cow parsley, rosemary, ivy, roses, clover and honeysuckle. The very last drawing being one of maple leaves. They were such a departure from what she would have predicted him to be drawing that she began to feel even more ill at ease at the conundrum they presented.

She sank further into her seat, denying her instinct to follow him, find him and plead her feelings. She cursed her own frankness and the apparently sudden onset of this loss of confidence. Staring out of the window at London’s grey and dingy outskirts, she tried to find what it was that had brought this on, aware that understanding it lay at the root of its solution.

By the time the train arrived in London, Rae was on her feet trying to make her way through the crowds of people to find him. But it was packed with people, now on their feet and ready to disembark rapidly. As the mass jostled their way out of the doors, she was left behind and disquiet seeped in. She bit her lip, then took a number of steadying breaths to prevent it developing into something more disabling and made her way slowly off the train.

The platform became increasingly quieter as the steady stream making their way towards the exit first became and trickle, and then dwindled. Her stomach started to contract when she couldn’t see him obviously standing and waiting for her. But then her eye caught a distant figure - back pressed against the wall and emitting a familiar train of smoke. With every step she became more nervous, more concerned about what she could say, how he was going to react. His eyes remained on his boots as she reached him.

“Finn. I’m sorry. So sorry.” She stumbled over her words.

“Right.” His voice was rough and replete with a tone of such dark intensity that it scared her.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. And then I couldn’t see you when I left the train. I thought you might have gone onto Graham’s without talking to me. It’s what I deserve, after all.” Her words rushed as if she couldn’t get them out fast enough.

“You’re unbelievable.” He shook his head without looking up. “You think I would just leave you in London on your own, without a word, without making sure you safely met up with Chlo?” His tone was replete with hurt.

“Finn, I’m sorry. You are enough, you are…It’s just..”

“Just stop.” He held his hands up. “I…I can’t do this right now, okay? Please. I need some space, Rae. I can’t.”

Rae’s feet were rooted to the ground such that she didn’t notice his extended hand at first. He didn’t entwine their fingers like he normally would. He simply lead her towards the main concourse where they were due to meet Chloe, who had been in London on a business trip and had  stayed overnight in a hotel.

“Finn.” She began tentatively.

“Not now, Rae. I can’t, ok? Not now.”  Finn cut her off.

Chloe was hard to miss in her heels and bright red coat, waving at them. Rae wasn’t sure whether she was relieved to see her friend or terrified, as this marked the start of a day that had been planned to, and would be, spent apart from Finn.

“Rae, Finn.” Chloe ran over and embraced them.

A flicker of bitter jealousy arose briefly in Rae as Finn accepted Chloe’s hug, putting his own arms around her friend. She swallowed it down.

“Right, I need to get going. Look after her for me, Chlo.” He said with a veneer of a smile.

“Finn.” Rae ran forward and clasped his hand. “Good luck.” Were the only words that left her lips. But his eyes finally met hers. A half smile played on his lips before he hung his head and squeezed her hand so gently it verged on sorrowfully, then walked away.

“Rae?” A frown marred Chloe’s pretty face.

Rae’s eyes remained on the figure walking out of the station, walking away from her.

“What is it?” Chloe put an arm around Rae’s now shaking shoulders.

“I screwed up really bad. Really bad. I was trying to say something, Chlo. Something important, except it came out all wrong. And the more I tried to find the words to fix it, the worse I made it. So I said nothing in the end. And now he can barely look me. Oh fuck… fuck.”

Rae dissolved in a heap on Chloe’s shoulder and her friend held her tightly.

“Oh Rae. I’m sure it’s fixable. All couples fight and disagree. You just need to talk through things, ask for forgiveness. And by tomorrow it will all be forgotten.”

Rae clung onto her friend’s words in silent hope for a few minutes before finally cracking. “Finn doesn’t want to talk. He can barely look at me. What have I done? Jesus what have I done?” She lamented.

********************  
Rae looked around the inside of the upmarket hotel bar and felt distinctly underdressed for its thick plush carpets, heavy floral curtains and high ceilings bearing ornate cornicing. The chairs were well constructed, upholstered in plush textured fabric and sat on elegant wooden legs. The chesterfield sofas bore their perfect rows of buttons in the back and elegant curved arms. The walls were adorned with large gilt framed oil portraits that to Rae’s eye were a little too obvious, too crude, in comparison with the super fine detailed work she had seen that morning.

That’s when she shed a tear, even though she thought every tear in the world had been spilt in Chloe’s hotel room over hot chocolate and marshmallows that morning.

“Hey hey. Don’t start again, Rae. It’s not going to make it any better.”

“I still don’t understand why I couldn’t say anything, Chlo. Finn going or not going to Art College is not going to change how much I love him.”

“It’s understandable that you’re concerned about you being the reason that he can’t follow his dream. But it’s his choice, not yours. And you know he was right about that. Whilst I love you, he has every right to be pissed off that you wouldn’t accept that. And I know you’ve had a god awful shitty week, but you have to try and understand things from Finn’s perspective too.

You’ve both had a….a difficult few months, no I mean a hellish….Look Rae, with what you’ve been through, it’s understandable that things are a bit unsettled right now. You’ve had so much change in your lives. You both need some quiet time together just to be a couple. To find your feet. Just to be… you know. It’s a bit like Mike and I are engaged, but we’re not rushing into setting a date or anything; it’s a commitment on both our parts. And commitments take time and effort and love.”  Chloe squeezed Rae’s hand.

“Somehow there will be a way of fixing this, a way of talking to Finn, showing him that you really mean it.” A frown clouded her face. “You do really mean it Rae, don’t you? Because if you don’t you absolutely have to …”

“I love him, only him and it will always be him.” Although she wanted to cry, to dissolve once more, a steady note of calm begun to seep into her voice.

Chloe hugged her. “It’s alright, we’ll sort this out, ok? I promise I’ll do everything I can to help. But right now, I think perhaps we should have a little trip into town?”

“Please, not shopping.”

Chloe shook her head firmly. “Underwear is not the solution to this.Talking and actions are vital. But we need to go. Not only was that the most expensive cup of tea I’ve ever bought, this place is giving me the creeps.”

Rae frowned.

“It reminds me of the old people’s home my Granny was in.” Chloe shivered. “Come on”. She extended her hand. “There’s somewhere we need to go.”

***************************

Rae stood anxiously pressing the buzzer of that nondescript door. When no immediate response was forthcoming, she turned to Chloe.

“Oh my god. I don’t think he’s here, Chlo. How can I even begin to fix things if he won’t even talk to me or see me or..”

“Stop. Just stop, Rae. Take some deep breaths this is Finn we are talking about. You need to calm down and take things step by step, day by day. Stop imagining everything will end with the worst possible conclusion. Go back to basics. You love each other, you want to be with each other and, for what it’s worth, I think you’re right for each other. I know it’s tough but don’t let the changes with your course and his decision over college cloud what’s between you two. All of that can be sorted out somehow.”

Chloe drew her oldest friend into a hug.

“I love him so much that it hurts.” Rae said quietly.

“I’m glad to hear it.” A male voice from behind them stated.

Rae turned round to see Graham who smiled encouragingly at her. “You coming in?”

“He does want to see me, doesn’t he?” She asked timidly.

“Of course, Mae. Don’t let harsh words come between you. I mean, I take it you’ve had a row or something?”

Rae nodded meekly. “It’s all my fault.”

Graham threw out his arm towards the door. “Don’t waste your energy on blame. Spend your energy wisely.” He turned to Chloe. “You coming in too, pet?”

Chloe shook her head. “Thanks, but no.”

Graham nodded in acknowledgement and lead Rae down the corridor but paused before they reached the door to the large room.

“Umm, Mae.” He began and then shook his head at himself.

“What is it?” Her voice was high pitched and needy.

Graham smiled softly. “You’ll see.” He put his finger to his lips and opened the door.

As Rae turned the corner, she paused, for a figure was curled on its side on the couch covered in a blanket. She crept slowly across the floor to find Finn fast asleep with one of her shirts balled up under his head as a makeshift pillow. She looked at the thick eyebrows, the messy hair, those full lips, the beautiful clusters of freckles and her chest ached. Stooping down and taking care to stop her hair from falling onto his skin, she pressed her lips to his temple.

Wandering back towards Graham’s desk, she caught sight of some open books on a sofa and picked one up. She flicked through the pages and started to read.

“The symbolism of plants. Good book that. Useful when incorporating things in your designs. Fancy some tea?”

Rae smiled at Graham and followed him out into the garden.

Sitting at the table, she took some deep breaths and thought about Chloe’s words. Of course Finn had been right about them just needing some uncomplicated time. But at the same time, she felt the need to put the past behind them, to symbolically wave farewell to the demons of the past.

The visit to the Tate with Chloe had been most enlightening, even though she hadn’t been sure she really understood any of the art, let alone bonded with it in the way she had with Finn’s. But there was something there. Chloe’s attempt to help her try and understand the world from Finn’s perspective may have been a little clumsy, a little too obvious, but she had taken a little strength from it. And  a nascent hope for their future started to germinate within her.

“Penny for them?” Rae focused her eyes to find Graham pouring the tea.

“Just…just thinking, really. About Finn. I mean…he is ok, isn’t he?”

Graham nodded sagely. “He will be alright soon. As you probably know, he’s a sensitive soul. He found the session very hard on his body when his mind was so preoccupied.The body can go into mild shock after a long session.  And so I thought it best he sleep for a bit.”

“Oh. Oh god.”

Then the whole sorry and intricate tale of that morning poured out of Rae in a seemingly unstoppable torrent of words. There was no hesitation when it came to the more sordid and stinging aspects of the prelude, inception and development of their relationship: Liam, Laura, Tunisia, her career, art college, their student like living arrangements.

Graham simply remained quiet, acknowledging her words with small gestures or encouraging smiles until the burden was finally relieved.

“And you see this morning. This morning was me getting it wrong again. I should have refuted the suggestion that he wasn’t enough without college immediately, but I was shocked that he would think I would feel that way. But..” She hung her head. “I have no idea why I said the thing about our paths diverging. I didn’t mean that all. It’s the last thing I want. And, it’s not what I see. I don’t know what’s got into me.” She shook her head as if it might loosen whatever negativity had taken a hold over the last week such that it may finally be identified and released.

“I don’t see us as having diverging paths because for a while now I’ve thought there were no longer two paths side by side. There’s just been a single path, a little wider than the narrower ones of before. And, I suppose Ive been feeling uneasy because this path is coming up to a big corner with trees on it, and I just can’t quite see around it. I don’t know where it’s leading anymore; will there be a slope or another bend or will it straighten out for a while? And deep down I know that it doesn’t really matter. None of that really matters when we’re together.

I just can’t explain this morning. I mean, only yesterday I was dreaming of us in the old people’s home, drinking cocoa in our slippers. Finn smoking a pipe, me in a rocking chair and arguing over which Oasis album is best.”

Graham snorted at this point and then apologised with his hands.

Rae’s face lit up as she continued. “Finn is an incredible person. He’s kind, thoughtful, caring, bright and so talented. He’s got so much give and whilst I would soak every last drop of him up if I could, I think he’s got more to give. Artiscally, I mean. I am so out of my depth when it comes to art, but I know his work is different, subtle and unique.

I love him in a way I never realised was possible before I met him.  And more than anything, I want him to be happy, fulfilled and at peace with himself. And I suppose this morning was more about the fact that I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m not enough for him to find that peace.”

“Oh, but you are. You’ve just got to start believing it.”

Rae startled and turned to find Finn standing in the kitchen doorway, with the blanket still around his shoulders.

“Finn.” She stuttered. “How long?”

“Quite a way before you decided I was going to allow myself to be put in a old people’s home, wear slippers and smoke a pipe.” He chucked. “A fucking pipe?”

Finn wandered over slowly and Rae stood up. He pulled her into an embrace, wrapping the blanket around her body. Their foreheads touched as he started to whisper his apologies for flying off the handle, thinking the worst and trying to express his vulnerability in a way that still did not come naturally. Eventually, he conceded to instinct, allowing his lips to meet hers. One hand, still holding a corner of the blanket found its way to her hair and he pressed his body into hers, without breaking the kiss.

“Humm humm.” Graham cleared his throat.

The pair turned round. Although Rae was blushing, Finn was grinning.

“Right Mae. Make sure Finny eats and gets a good night’s sleep.” He winked.

**********************************************  
Rae tossed and turned in the crisp sheets, trying to wrestle a little more of the covers from Finn, who was facing away from her. She looked over at the large white cocoon from which only his head and hand was visible and smiled. Looking at her watch, she decided to make the most of their hotel suite.

Sinking into the heavily scented deep water was blissful. She allowed herself to slip right down and float in the oversized tub. The hotel had most certainly been a lovely surprise, but one Finn had not been able to make the most of. The long walk to the restaurant had left him curled up in the corner of a booth, taking a single bite of his burger before shutting his eyes. She had cut the burger up and fed it to him piece by piece. Naturally, he had been a little reluctant to play the game, making some grumpy comment about being treated like a child. But by the end, he was deliberately catching her fingers in his mouth.

He had been in no fit for anything other sleeping when they arrived back in the hotel room, however much he had tried to fight his body’s inherent need for rest. He had been more than a little embarrassed, but had quickly settled when she had read poems to him. However, it hadn’t been that straightforward for her, and her night’s rest had been fitful and unsatisfactory.

Looking to the sunshine streaming through the undrawn thick curtains, she resolved that today was going to be a better day. They had precious little time together that morning before he was due back for his second session, during which she was off to meet Lucy. She couldn’t prevent a small grin from creeping across her face as the thought came to her. Lucy had offered after all. But was she brave enough? She sunk beneath the water one last time, trying to soak her tiredness away and muster up the courage for the day to come.

As steam began to rise and curl from the kettle, she heard Finn stir with his usual morning sighs and groans. He was most definitely not an early bird. Nonetheless, there was comfort in the grumpy little noises he made and the way he kept trying to hide from the morning’s light.

“Finn?” She perched on the edge of the bed and started to sweep his fringe from his eyes. “Finn.”

“Uhh.” He rolled away from her. “Uhhh.”

“It’s getting on for nine.”

“Bollocks.”

“That’s a nice way to greet me, dickhead.”

“Uhhh. Do I have to get up?” He moaned.

“I’ll make you a brew, sleepyhead.”

They drank their tea in silence. Finn’s eyes were mostly shut, his naked torso emerging from the pile of white linen, his back slumped against the headboard.

When he finally put his cup on the side and smiled at her, Rae rooted through his bag and found the cream. She brandished it at him and raised her eyebrows. He nodded his assent and she slowly uncovered the sheets and peeled back the dressing that covered the only completed portion of the tattoo. Ever so tenderly, she applied the cream as he grimaced and sighed. Her fingers trailed a little lower and then she froze. For the expected response had not emerged.

Gently, Finn took Rae’s hand and put it back on her lap.

“Not now, Mae.” His eyes were replete with the vulnerability that he had tried to conceal the previous evening.

“Finn, I don’t….please  I am truly sorry for…”

He held up his hand. “Shush, girl. It’s alright. Think it’s me who should be saying sorry. You see I should probably have mentioned it sooner….but I wanted it all complete.”

Bewildered, Rae looked at Finn as he took her hand in hers and started to rub the palm of her hand with the ball of his thumb. His gaze was cast out of the window.

“Chop’s going to be asking us to move out soon and that’s going to leave us needing somewhere to stay. I know I should have said something. But I didn’t have a solution. I wasn’t sure what you wanted and what was possible. And so I’ve been doing a bit of research and …”

“Did you just saying Chop is going to ask us to move out?”

Finn nodded. “They’re going to need my room. Thinking about it, suppose I’d better repaint it before we go.” He scratched his head.

“But…but….hang on…do you mean?” Rae looked at Finn, who nodded with a smile.

“Don’t go telling anyone though, Mae. It’s not our news and Chop hasn’t even said anything to me yet. But I reckon we’ve got three months left at most.”

“But how?” Rae’s scrunched her nose up.

“I suppose being an artist and that, I notice the details; changes in the way people look and that sort of thing.”

Rae’s face broke into a broad grin.

“You must not say anything to Izzy.” Finn chided.

Rae didn’t elucidate on the real reason why she was smiling, concerned that highlighting the step he’d just taken would somehow dim its light.

“Anyway, I’ve been thinking that you might want to move in with me, properly. Our own home. That sort of thing. And well, Babs came in a few weeks ago and I think the perfect house is available. Please don’t get too mad at me but I might sort have already said yes to it.”

Rae’s stomach flipped, rendering her unable to release the questions that kept forming in her mind.

“You see I thought a stable base is what you need. What we need. Not just a house, a place to crash and store our junk, but a home. Shit that sounds really naff doesn’t it?” He grimaced slightly and picked at a hangnail.

“Umm, you see, the house belonged to Babs’ son before he died and it’s been rented out for quite a while and it needs some work doing, so I’ve been formulating a plan of what needs to be done and how much it’ll cost that sort of thing.”

“Finn.” Her voice was unnaturally small. “I don’t know if I can cope with a move and being somewhere new and starting a new course. I really need to see the house first. You should have asked me, shown me before getting this far. It would have been nice to know.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I know. It’s just I’ve been so stressed with everything and after the week you’ve had….but.” He held her hand a little tighter. “It’s not somewhere new, Mae. It’s somewhere you know very well.”

A thousand possibilities began to stream through Rae’s mind as the room became a hazy blur of expensive and textured neutrals.

“It’s not far from your friends or your course. It’s easy for me to get to work and get the train to London when I need to…” Finn’s hand hit his mouth quite rapidly. “It’s got three bedrooms and a nice garden, parking, a garage and all that. And I thought you’d be happy about it. I know we should have discussed it first but I can afford it. You don’t need to worry about the financial side or the work. I’ve got it all under control.”

“For fuck’s sake, where is this house, you dickhead?”

Finn looked up at her through his lashes. “Opposite Chop’s.”

Rae’s face fell as she processed the information before lighting up. “You mean….you mean the one at the end of the cul-de-sac with the red door?”

Finn nodded.

“You bloody well should have said something.” Her hands were placed firmly on her hips. Then she threw her arms around his neck.

“Oh my god, Finn. Are you serious? A house just for us. It’s …it's’ so grown up. It’s so… it’s so… I love you, Finn Nelson.” Rae’s embrace was so enthusiastic that she ended up lying on top of Finn, who was beaming back at her. The pull of the sparkle in his eyes and the jut of his lips became too much for her and she started to kiss him with unshakeable passion and confidence.

“Woah, woah Mae.” Finn gently pushed Rae back. “Me skin’s hellishly sore still.”

A deep blush coloured Rae’s skin. “Shit sorry.” And then a smirk played on her lips. “Perhaps I could kiss it better?”

“Much as I’d like that, it’s got to be kept clean, you numpty.” Finn responded deadpan before he cottoned on. “Graham’ll do his nut if he thinks I’ve not been resting enough.”

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” Rae raised her eyebrows and slowly slid her hand up the outside of his thigh. His body twitched as her hand slid over to the soft skin of his inner thighs. He was already hard by the time her hand finally made the contact that caused his head to roll the side and a low moan to escape his lips.

*************************************************  
Rae followed Finn into Graham’s for this third and final session. He had managed another five hours the previous day and she was more than a little concerned that he was pushing himself too hard, despite his protestations that he could take it. They had visited the V&A the previous afternoon with Lucy, but she’d noticed his pallor and shaking hands a little over an hour in. Although he had insisted he could continue, Lucy had cajoled him into taking tea with her as she’d been so many times to the museum, leaving Rae to wander round and enjoy the experience.

They had taken a cab back to Lucy’s, where the three of them had discussed the new home at length at her initiation. Although she was still getting to used to the idea, she was becoming more excited by the hour at the prospect. And it would provide the perfect opportunity for her project to be unveiled. Yet, she had to acknowledge that a little disappointment tinged her excitement, for  she would not be able to be involved as she had imagined she would in their first home. There would be no late night decorating sessions with the inevitable spilt paint and torn splattered clothes. No messy moving party with boxes scattered over the floor and drinking out of chipped mugs. No arguments over constructing flat pack furniture.

She sat down on the sofa, once more finding the book on plant symbolism, which she flicked through idly as Graham and Finn chatted. When she finally tore her gaze from its exquisite illustrations, she found Finn caught in a stream of sunlight removing his shirt in his inimitable fashion - pulling it over his head. A tingle shot straight down inside her and she swallowed hard as he looked down at his new artwork hand sweeping across the skin. There was something so utterly evocative about the reverend way he was touching his own skin that Rae had to momentarily excuse herself on the pretence of needing fresh air.

When she walked back in, her brow furrowed. Although Graham was deep in concentration, something was wrong, something was missing. It took her some seconds to comprehend that he was working by hand, without the familiar buzz of the machine. Fascinated, she wandered over to watch this ritual.

“I didn’t realise that’s how you were doing it.” She began, feeling the way her words immediately betrayed her lack of knowledge.

Finn opened his eyes as his face contorted into disbelief.

“Seriously, Mae? It’s the best technique for dotwork. And you should really should know about it you dickhead.”

She frowned. “I don’t pretend to know anything about tattooing, Finn.” She responded curtly.

“ I did an awful lot of the shading work on you by hand.”

She stepped back. “But how? Suppose I had my eyes shut most of the time and music was always playing.”

“Yeah, when your eyes were open you weren’t necessarily paying that much attention to the needle. I seem to recall you staring at something else quite a lot.”

“You cheeky….” Rae shook her head as Graham smiled at her.

“You sure you want to stay, Mae? We’re going to be some hours.” Graham countered.

Rae nodded.

“Could you see us straight with some music then?” He asked.

Rae had spent the best part of three hours of reading and snoozing on the sofa. She was greedily absorbing Sense and Sensibility; reading this well loved novel very much felt like spending time with an old friend. Her devotion was disturbed by an uncomfortable sounding grunt coming from the main room. A second had her on her feet.

Finn’s face was set in a grimace: teeth gritted and eyes screwed tightly shut. Each slowly exhaled breath seemed to take tremendous effort. She reached her fingers towards her shoulder but Graham stopped her. Watching Finn’s ashen face contort in pain left her lightheaded and nauseous. Her silent vigil continued through the next five minutes until he blurted out. “Ahhh fuck.”

Before she could even opened her mouth, Graham’s hand was on Finn’s arm.

“I think we should call it a day, Finny.”

“But you’re not finished. There can’t be much more, can there?”

“I reckon just over another half hour. But I can’t work properly when you’re this tense. You know the rules better than anyone. This is not good for you. You’ve sat for the best part of 14 hours over three days. And that was against my better judgement.”

Rae pulled a spare stool and sat behind Finn, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s alright, Finn. I’m here. Just relax. Think of our new home. Those three bedrooms, the bathroom, the garden, and imagine what they’ll look like when we’re living there. I’m thinking nice pale walls like your current room. Mind - none of that dodgy green carpet from Chop’s though. Myrtle can have run of the box room; I was thinking we could put our vinyl in there so we won’t be tripping over crates all the time and then…”

Rae looked up to see Graham had already started working again. She tried to keep up for the monologue as long as possible until her mind went completely blank when she realised he was really fighting again. So she started to sing softly in her clear sweet tone. It turned out to be just enough to keep Finn going until Graham had finally finished. She noticed how quickly Graham cleaned and covered the work before helping Finn on with his shirt and jumper.

She helped Finn through to the sofa where Graham threw her the blanket and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned with hot sweet tea and a banana.

“You get this down you now. I want you to stay for a while before you travel.”

Graham sat down in the chair next to the desk and started to roll himself a cigarette.

“Thought you’d given up?” Finn asked.

“Mostly. It’s an occasional treat now. It’s high time you thought about the same, Finny. You’ve got this beautiful girl, a new home. It’s time to properly unshackle yourself from the past. None of these half arsed measures. It’s all yours for the taking, son. It’s what you make of it. Be true to yourself and follow what’s in here.” Graham said tapping his chest. “And you won’t go far wrong.”

Graham ensured he had Rae’s attention before continuing.

“Whatever happens, keep talking to each other. My wife and I always tried to make a little time for each other everyday, no matter how busy we were. Communication and erm..cuddles are the the key?”

Finn perked up and raised his eyebrows. “Did you just use the word cuddle?”

“You’re not deaf, boy. Now let this old fart have a smoke in peace.”

As Graham opened the back door, Finn pulled Rae gently against him, his lips seeking hers. It started off with a few chaste kisses but he soon slipped his tongue in.

“That’s enough, Finn.” Rae chastised, relieved to see the sugar had picked up Finn’s flagging spirits.

“He said cuddles were good.” Finn pouted at her readjusting the blanket so that it sat over both their laps.

“Yeah cuddles. But somehow I don’t think that’s exactly what he was referring to you. Do you?” She sternly raised her eyebrows.

Finn’s face lit up as he cottoned on.

“Dirty old bugger. Right, come here you.” Finn pulled Rae hard against him and then winced.

Gently Rae helped Finn resettle himself. “You are in no fit state for any of that, Nelson. You are going to have to wait.”

A gasp escaped Rae’s lips as Finn’s fingers had trailed under the blanket up her thigh to the apex of her legs. She quickly smacked his fingers away.

“Finn, really.” She shook her head. “I am surprised, given the state you were in half an hour ago. You’re going to need to sleep very soon. Honestly, you’re irrepressible sometimes.”

“Yeah, but I’m feeling much better.”

“It’s a sugar rush and it won’t last. Seriously, what has got into you?”

“I’m just so fucking happy, Mae. I’ve got my body back. And I feel so good knowing that we’re going back to Lincoln and excited I’m going to be moving in with the woman I love shortly.”

Rae smiled at Finn. “Actually I’m bloody excited too.” She laced their fingers and pulled him to lean against her, careful to ensure that there was no pressure on his newly inked skin.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well my friends. The time has come. I’ve finished the story. 
> 
> First the thanks to each and every one of you who has posted a like or reblogged. Every single comment had been read and relished. And all the convos I’ve with people and every single anon - they have been wonderful.
> 
> A special thanks to my talented and patient beta - how-ardently You are amazing, your commas were much needed and thanks for being tough. I’ve re-written two scenes in here…… well you needed a little surprise.
> 
> Thanks to temporarilyyunavailable for the lovely pics of Finn with tattoos that have inspired me when I’ve really needed. Thanks also to nipasir for the beautiful artwork. 
> 
> It was pointed out to me that I’ve been writing this story for 8 months now. It’s been a world that has in part consumed me. And I’ve enjoyed it. And I think I’ve found my feet writing wise at last. I never intended for this to become such a monster but the story wrote itself, I am just the mouthpiece for the images in my head. 
> 
> And yes, I feel sad that I have to let this go. (Although there is a whole follow up story cooking in my head, I don’t know if I’ll ever write it but I will leave the door open for one-off follow ups because this pair of dickheads have left a mark on me.)
> 
> I’m leaving the trigger warnings for all sorts of past abuse - emotional, physical and sexual here. There’s not really mention of them. But they form a key thread of the story up until now. 
> 
> So here it goes, wish these two luck in their new lives….I’m off to email a special tattoo parlour in London.

Finn looked down at his torn, paint spattered jeans and laughed. It seemed as if he had managed to get more paint on himself than the walls of their new home. Decorating had proved far harder work than he had anticipated. The sheer scale of the job had only served to highlight how badly out of shape he had become. He wandered across the street in desperate need of a cup of tea and a cigarette break.

The soft sound of crying was coming from the living room when he opened the front door. He ambled in nervously, unsure of what he would find.

“Hey Izz.” He sat down gently on the sofa and placed his hand on her tiny arm.

“You ok?” He could have kicked himself for asking such an obvious question yet it was the only thing that came to mind.

“Just not feeling too good. I had to come home from work.”

“How’s about a nice cup of chamomile tea and a digestive, eh?”

Izzy smiled thankfully at Finn so he wandered through to the kitchen. He pulled two boxes out of the cupboard: chamomile and PG Tips. He dropped one teabag from each box into a mug and put the kettle on. Watching the steam rise, his fingers began their usual tick when his body craved nicotine. In an attempt to stave off the worst of it, he fiddled with the cups and sniffed at the chamomile tea bag. Almost unthinkingly, he spontaneously removed the PG bag from his own cup, put it back in the box and took a second chamomile bag. He paced around the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle the boil. Noticing Myrtle outside the back window, he opened the door and called her in, grateful for the distraction.

Returning with a laden tray, Finn admitted to himself that he was relieved Izzy had stopped crying.  Emotions and problems were most certainly not his forte, as illustrated by how he had handled the previous week’s argument; something he was still berating himself in secret for.

“Here you go, chuck.” He said handing Izzy her tea before taking his own.

Izzy sipped gratefully at her tea as Finn passed her the biscuits, which he had roughly emptied onto a plate, breaking a couple in the process. Izzy took a couple before he put the plate down and helped himself to various bits of broken biscuit, balancing them on the denim above his exposed knee.

“Want to talk about it?” He ventured and then sipped at the tea to fill the silence. He had expected it to taste awful. Much to his surprise, it wasn’t too bad and he was savouring the flavour when Izzy started to talk.

“Oh Finn. I know I’m being silly. Really silly. But, oh, I don’t know.”

Finn looked at her and smiled softly, encouragingly.

“It’s just that, Chloe and Mike have got engaged, Jim and Archie are getting their new place and you and Rae are moving out. And I…we’re..” The tears started to fall again.

Finn found seeing this normally happy go lucky girl reduced to tears so dissonant and unbearable that he shuffled down the sofa and picked up her hand.

“It’s alright, Izz. It’s ok.”

“But Finn, I’m just so unsure of the future. I just don’t know. It’s such a big step and …..”

As she dissolved again, Finn put a calming hand on her shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I think Chop’s going to make an excellent dad.”

As soon as the words had left his mouth, he tensed, realising that he had unwittingly let her secret out. Izzy paled and she frowned. “But…but how? Chop promised.”

She was really crying now and Finn instinctively wrapped her into his arms. His voice came out calmly and quietly. “Izz, I’ve known for a while. It wasn’t Chop. He hasn’t said a thing. But you…I…err, I don’t think you will be able to hide it much longer. I mean you don’t look fat or anything it’s just….” Finn broke off silently cursing his ineptitude with words.

“I suppose you’re right.” She said in the smallest voice, her hand going to rest on her tummy, hidden beneath her loose clothes. “I’ve actually got quite a bump.” A small smile began to play on her lips. “You see things, don’t you Finn? I mean, you’re actually a really visual person, right?”

It was Finn’s turn to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I do. I mean, it’s all become a bit stronger now I’ve been drawing more. I’m a bit more in tune with it all again. Err, do you mind me asking how far along you are?”

“Nearly six months.”

It was Finn’s turn to look shocked. “Oh wow. I knew for certain when we were at the festival and I suspected for a while before that, but six months Izz?”

Izzy smiled at him and reached for another biscuit.

“Congratulations.” He grinned. “Damn good thing we’re moving out soon, then.”

“Is that why you’re leaving Finn - because you knew?”

“Yes, no…I mean…Rae and I probably should have thought about it sooner, but it did give me the kick up the arse. I needed to sort things out.”

“I’m really going to miss having you both around. It’s just all so new, so scarey and I…” Izzy trailed off as the tears threatened to fall again.

Finn took her hand in his. “Izz, I reckon you’ll feel a whole lot better when you’ve told people. It will all become more real then. You can share it with your friends and make plans. It’s a very big secret to keep, you know. And sometimes it’s right to keep secrets. But sometimes they’re like poison. The burden of them can make everything seem far worse, more daunting than it actually is, yeah?”

“I’m just worried about Jim’s sister.”

“Yeah, I can understand that.” Finn squeezed her hand. “But that was a while ago now. And you can’t help the timing of these things. You really shouldn’t keep this in Izz, not now.”

“It’s just so unfair to them though, Finn. We weren’t even trying. It took them years and then they lost the baby.”

“And you’ve given them time, a lot of time, Izz. But this little one’s going to be making their way into the world and you need to be prepared for that, right? Not hiding from it. You need to make plans, sort stuff out and that sort of thing. And you’ll feel so much better with all your mates around you. Everyone will want to help. Bet Chloe will go nuts and will have come up with five schemes for the nursery within a week.”

Izzy giggled, then her face fell. “But I don’t want to paint over your work. It’s so important to you. It just wouldn’t feel right.”

Finn shook his head. “Don’t be daft. Leaving it there wouldn’t be right. I’ll paint over it for you or put wallpaper up, whatever you’d like.”

“But Rae’s going to be so upset. You know how much that means to her. She’s always talking about it like it was the most romantic gesture ever.”

A rosy hue tinged Finn’s cheeks and he had to look at the floor.

“Izz, as you’ve shared a secret with me today…” Finn leant over and whispered in her ear, making her eyes light up and a smile adorn her face.

As Finn pulled back, his smile quickly became a frown as he absentmindedly picked at his cuticles.

“Finn?” Izzy frowned. “What is it?”

“Nowt.” He tried to look nonchalant, but hadn’t even managed to disguise the tremor in his voice.

“You’re such a boy. There is clearly something really bothering you right now. And what did you say about keeping secrets earlier? “

“I….look I’ve just been planning a surprise for Rae that’s all. But I…I’m not sure how she’ll take it.” His head drop to his hands and he started to massage his temples and regain his concentration.

When he finally looked up, Izzy had peeled off her baggy jumper and was sitting quietly, eyes full of compassion, hand on her now very evident bump.

“Finn…” She began.

He shook his head as if trying to rid himself of the potentially troublesome outcomes of his unconfirmed news. He remembered going to the ice cream van as a child, but on arrival and much to his dismay, he discovered that the 50p his nan had given him had fallen through a hole in his pocket on the walk. Finn was so immersed in his recollection that he hadn’t notice Izzy move on the sofa. It was only when she emitted a loud “oooo” that he looked up at her.

“You ok?” He rushed out, noticing her expression.

“Yeah, baby’s just really going for it right now; having a good old wriggle and a kick.”

Finn looked a little bemused by this knowledge that had no reference point in his world. He wasn’t sure how to react or what to say. But Izzy abruptly took his hand and placed it on her stomach.

Finn’s eyes grew wide and he watched his hand as if trying to visualise what the movements he could feel were. He was utterly mesmerised by the experience that seemed to calm and restore his previous discomfort so easily.

“Oh my god, Izz. Oh god. That’s just incredible.” He grinned at her.

“Yeah. Chop bloody loves it when that happens. You know, he talks to my bump!”

Finn began to laugh imagining his crazy boy of friend, actually doing something so tender, so loving and he soon fell silent. Placing his hand over Izzy’s once more, he uttered “We’ll only be over the road Izz.”

And then he knew, no matter the outcome of his discussions in London, that he would be alright. He’d never found that 50p, but a neighbour in the queue behind him had bought the sobbing boy a large 99 complete with a flake. Sometimes things were meant to be, and sometime they just weren’t.

**************  
The rain was falling hard against the ground, bouncing back up and hitting her legs and soaking her tights. Rae had to make do with her not so waterproof mac as her brolly had blown inside out by a gust of wind that morning. Holding your hood in place over your head was one thing when it was bucketing down, but balancing that with keeping all your new folders and books dry and safe in an overflowing bag, was another.

Rae did the only sensible thing: she took her coat off and wrapped it around the cotton bag containing those precious books. Before setting off again, she fingered the silver locket that hung around her neck once more.

Finn had been taking sandwiches to S&N’s rather than living off burgers and chips as part of his recent healthy eating drive. Therefore, it had been no surprise when he had presented her with her own packed lunch to take on her first day of college. She had been sitting alone, feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the content  and newness of it all, such that she had only managed to consume a few crisps. Curiosity finally got the better of her and she decided to open the tupperware box just to see what type of sandwiches he had made. And there, nestled in between a round of triangular cut ham sandwiches on granary, lay a small plain cardboard box.

Naturally, there had been no great declaration or written outpouring of affection, no “I love yous,” not even a note. But nestled on the cotton wool in that small cardboard box, was the silver locket. It’s form was that of a book with an engraved cover and spine, and it hung from an elegant fine silver chain. She had wrapped the chain around her hand and placed the locket firmly in her palm and eaten her lunch. It only been at the end of the day that she had finally thought of opening up to see if there was anything inside.

It’s mechanism was a little stiff, nonetheless she had managed to prise it apart to reveal a small piece of paper that had been folded several times. Unfurling it had revealed Finn’s message. It was a tiny but very intricate pen and ink pattern work that bore elements from both his and her tattoos. It had been quite a feat not to let a tear drop and smudge the work. The locket had remained in her hand until she had finally arrived home and flung her arms around Finn. He’d made some nervous comment about it being “nothing really” as he’d held her until she stilled sufficiently for him to place it around her neck and fasten its clasp.

Rae was grateful as she turned the corner into her home street. The wind had really whipped up but could make no real impact on her sodden skirt and jumper. She was shivering now and desperate to get back inside. It took her three attempts to get the key successfully into the lock and navigate her way into the hall where she first dropped everything onto the floor, then picked up and hung up the mac.

Finn was lazing on the sofa with his feet on the table, listening to music with Chop and Izzy when she walked in.

“Alright, Mae?” He called, kicking Chop’s trainer with one of his.

“Ummm mmm.” Her teeth chattered.

As soon as Finn turned round, he was on his feet. “What’s happened?”

“It was raining, duh!” She rolled her eyes at him.

“What about your coat, Rae? You were wearing it this morning?” Izzy looked confused.

“Had to keep my books dry.” Rae replied.

“You nump..” Finn began but stopped as he made it over to her. “Shit, Mae.” He pulled her shaking form close. “You need a hot shower now.” He bopped her nose with his finger and then rested his forehead against hers, his fingers finding her waist.

“I’m okay. I’ll just get changed.”

“No. You need to warm up first.” Finn pulled her a little closer.

“Fuck’s sake, Finny. Any bloody excuse to …” Chop began, but Finn turned round and shot him a challenging look.

“She’ll bloody well get ill, you knob.”

Finn noticed Izzy place her hand over Chop’s out of the corner of his eye as he turned back and led his girl upstairs. He shut the bathroom door behind them and pulled the cord to switch the shower on before selecting  moderately warm heat. Perching on the edge of the bath, Rae was struggling with her sodden socks.

“Here.. let me.” Finn dropped to his knees and slowly began to unroll them down her feet. Having done so, he rubbed her feet between his hands briefly before setting to peeling her leggings off. The jumper pulled Rae’s dripping hair from it’s soaking bun. He ran his fingers through it gently then commenced on her dress. This proved far harder than he anticipated, due to the hidden zip that Rae had to undo.

For the first time in as long as she could remember, Rae felt a little self conscious standing before Finn in her underwear. Maybe it was the disparity in their relative states of undress, or maybe it was the realisation that she really hadn’t been looking after herself when she had decided to cover her books. Her head dropped slightly as Finn’s hands reached round to the clasp of her bra. A knot formed in her stomach as he removed it perfunctorily before pulling her panties off in the same fashion. He helped her into the shower and then shut the door, rendering her even more confused than before.

She shut her eyes, letting the warm water run all over her body. It wasn’t long before she turned the dial up as she began to warm through. She expected that Finn would have leapt in there with her, but he was still sitting on the side of the bath looking pensive and biting his thumb. She was beginning to understand that he would talk, given time. Words were likely never to be his strong point, but he seemed to be working on it.

Nonetheless, his absence troubled her to a degree. It had been just under three weeks since his ink had been completed and they still hadn’t had rekindled full contact. It her had been her decision at the start; being strict in her refusal on the grounds of his needing to heal. Applying cream to his skin twice a day had become increasingly problematic, as his body always reacted to her touch. There had also been the self imposed pressure of her course weighing on her shoulders.

Ever respectful, Finn had simply accepted when she’d turned him down and adjusted himself as best possible and carried on with life. The fear of the unknown had worn off rapidly after her first day at college and that evening, her locket around her neck, her mouth had sought his lips out. Smoothing the cream into his skin had been unbelievably erotic, her fingers had lingered far longer than necessary. The merest touch had him laying back on the bed, eyes shut as he had seemingly tried to fight his body’s instinctive reaction. The moan she had elicited when her fingers had grazed him had empowered her and her tongue had soon followed. His spectacular and loud release had been quick to follow and his fingers and mouth had left her thoroughly sated and feeling like a goddess.

Finn glanced over at Rae. The way the water ran down her body was causing his concentration to falter. Quickly, he cast his gaze to the floor, attempting to strengthen his resolve as the new Finn. The Finn that talked about the things on his mind, those that bothered him, those that made him happy and those important things that they needed to discuss. The old Finn would have been stripping off and in the shower within seconds. But this Finn had important news to discuss with Rae. There were going to be no fuck-ups this time. No purely physical expression of his feelings.

He glanced up to see the woman who had become such an integral part of him shampooing her hair. He was entranced by the way her eyes were shut and she sung as she massaged the piled up hair on her head. A lopsided grin broke out on his face. She was gorgeous; she was bright funny and incredible. But she was so much more than that too: she was an inspiration, his muse, the hand which held his brushes and needles. He couldn’t help but look up again; the suds were streaming down her glorious body in trains of bubbles. It was too much.

His clothes hit the floor in record time, apart from his boxers which caused him to trip twice. His entrance into the small cubicle was so rapid that he slid across the tray to the other side and ended up steadying himself grasping Rae’s arm.

“Finn?” Her face lit up with a huge smile. “What took you so long?” She raised her eyebrows in that provocative manner and he knew he was a lost cause once more.

His mouth opened but no words escaped his lips as she pulled him hard against her. He lost all reason as their lips met. He had intended to keep things light for as long as possible, but he was the first to slip his tongue into the mix. Her hand trailed down his body and he grabbed her around the waist, kissing insistently.

But then he stopped and took a step back and then a second, such that his back was pressed against the glass wall.

“Finn?” Her voice a mixture of fear, confusion and concern.

“I err, I.” He exhaled slowly and loudly. “Sorry, I was getting carried away, Mae. Make no mistake. I want you. And I want you badly.” He gesticulated down at his body.

“But I had to stop. I have some news. And erm, you see, I’m not sure how…” He started to chew the inside of his mouth. When he finally dragged his eyes up, she didn’t look like she was about to make a hasty exit from the shower. In fact, Rae appeared remarkably calm.

“So er I had this call, from the admissions group from Art College. They wanted to know why I’d turned the place down. “

Rae smiled at him.

“I don’t know why, but they seemed to think it was something to do with me personal circumstances.” He shrugged. “But they asked me to consider whether I would be prepared to do the course part-time. Two days a week. Obviously, I wouldn’t qualify for a scholarship and it would take much longer.” The familiar tick began in his fingers.

“So what did you say?” Rae was positively grinning.

“I …I said I’d think about it. I mean, I need to discuss it with you first.”

He was studying his feet such that when Rae pulled him tight to her, he nearly slipped and ended up on the floor.

“Oh shit.” Rae extended a hand out to him and pulled him up.

Finn’s body crashed into hers and he stroked her hair. “Please Rae, what do you think?”

A small giggle escaped Rae’s lips. “I, I think that you’re amazing. And I’m so very proud of you, Finn Nelson.” She pressed her lips against his.

With a huge grin on his face, Finn picked Rae up, pushing her against the wall to keep himself steady. Rae wrapped her legs around his waist as the kiss grew into something more passionate, more wanting, more liquid. However, she wriggled that little bit too much and they landed with a bit of crash. Giggling, he checked she was alright, before helping her too her feet.

Taking a little more care this time, he pressed his hard body into hers, his lips tracing along her neck over her throat and back up the other side. His hands explored and delighted in the flesh they found as low noises escaped his throat. But it wasn’t enough and his lips soon returned to hers, his tongue snaking its way into her mouth.

It hadn’t been long before she was arching into him, thrusting her chest forward. He dropped to his knees, desperate to please her as much as possible. She was moaning at a delightful pitch when unexpectedly, he felt a hand card through his hair and then tug a little. He took the proffered hand and shakily made it to his feet.

Wordlessly, Rae met his eyes and grinned before pressing him flush against the cubicle wall and peppering a trail of kisses down his body. He was utterly absorbed in the moment and was growling when the door was banged loudly.

“Piss off, Chop.” Finn shouted in frustration, but the banging started again. “Fuck’s sake!”

“What if it’s important?” Rae asked, eyes wide, suddenly aware of what they had been about to do and who was in the house.

When the door banged yet again, Finn got out of the shower and pulled a towel around his waist. He opened the door to find the landing empty and frowned, looking both ways. He was about to shut the door when he spied the box on the floor.

Finn read the post-it note attached first.We don’t need these. Thought you should have them, fuckers!

He began to chuckle as he shut the door behind him. He was peeling the cellophane off the box when Rae’s head appeared from behind the shower door.

“What the….” She stopped, looking at  what Finn was unwrapping.

“Gift from Chop. Because they don’t need them anymore.”

“You mean?” Rae’s face lit up.

“Izz told me a couple of days ago. She’s nearly six months gone.”

“Oh my god.” Rae squealed as she hugged Finn enthusiastically.

Rae rekindled the kissing; her heart was warmed by seeing Finn so happy for this friends. Her hands automatically snaked round to his bottom and fixing him to her.

Finn broke the kiss off. “Get back in the shower, Mae. I don’t think you’ve put conditioner on your hair yet, have you?”

If she thought the request was slightly odd, Rae didn't’ show it as she stepped back under the warm water. Her eyes widened at the sight of Finn, removing one of the packets from the box. Her voice finally came out as he was rolling the the contents down his length.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She laughed.

“Well, it would be rude not to! I mean, assuming you want to.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but we’re not alone in the house….and it’s been a few days and I, er…”

“Worried I’m going to make you scream?” He winked.

Rae’s mouth formed a perfect o-shape, whilst as if on cue the opening music from Jaws filtered up loudly from downstairs.

Rae’s eyes widened and she bit her bottom lip as Finn closed the shower door.

“Now, where were we, Mae?”

***********************************************  
It was 7am when Finn finally opened his eyes. His nocturnal habits had become erratic and unfulfilling of late, something he ascribed to everything his mind was attempting to process. Rae was still sleeping soundly, her hair messily spread over the pillow and falling in in front of her face. Ever so delicately, he swept a couple of strands back and risked placing a kiss on her forehead. He was relieved that she didn’t stir, for they had been exceedingly late to slumber the previous evening.

He tucked an arm behind his head, a smile playing across his lips, and considered the unexpected events of the day before. He’d been working up a couple of commissions, having had no appointments booked in, when the phone had rung. For once, he had been relieved about it and not suffered the itchy fingers of longing to work. . He had initially cursed the disturbance and had answered rather grumpily, only to discover it was a professor from the art college.

He had been reluctant to explore the reasons behind declining the scholarship, not only given how personal they were, but also because they seemed to betray a distinct lack of ambition. But the professor had outwitted his monosyllabic responses by diverting him onto his dissertation and questioning some of his theories and postulations. They had been ten minutes into a heated discussion regarding polynesian tattoos when the professor had blunty commented that Finn’s rejection had nothing to do with a lack of passion. He’d hadn’t been able to deny it and had slowly explained a little of decision:; his inability to commit full time to London and the traumatic year he and his girlfriend had endured.

He’d had to give the professor credit,  he hadn’t made any cheap shot comments about fresh starts or last chances. They had discussed the possibility of him applying elsewhere, closer to home. But Finn had been adamant that he wasn’t about to compromise on the specific course and college he felt best suited to him. That’s when the professor had suggested the part-time option; sticking to the core modules and doing a fair bit at home. It would double the length of the foundation year, but a degree nonetheless remained a possibility.

The opportunity had excited him as his mind had quickly countenanced the possibilities concerning the logistics. A one night a week absence was entirely sufferable in his mind, something he would be prepared to abide especially as it was term-time only. But at the back of his mind, he had known that he could not accept without having discussed it with his girl. So he had made the right sort of noises and had promised to revert by the end of the week.

As soon as Chop arrived home, he’d cracked open the beers and taken Izzy a lemonade, stating that he was simply in a good mood and was looking forward to moving. His minor untruth was neatly disguised by the fact he’d spent a good few hours painting the living room of his new home that morning. Excitement and nervousness had burnt at his belly while he had eagerly awaited Rae’s return from her course. He hadn’t even been aware that it had started raining, so her bedraggled entrance had been something of a shock.

He had meant to take her out, and canvass her opinion over dinner in a fancy restaurant. Yet the reality of her incongruous arrival had been a blessing in disguise. Who was he trying to kid? He was hardly the candlelit supper type. Getting her into the shower had been the easy part. He chastised himself for the way he had nearly given into his desires and left his confession until after the event, but his heart slowed and he breathed a little deeper when he considered his course of action.

Her reaction had more than he hoped for. But there had been something else there, something beyond her happiness for him. Something had glinted in her eye when he’d told her. It was as if she had been expecting the news. He shook his head and smirked at what had followed. He’d never really intended for it to escalate as far as it had done in the shower, but they had both really enjoyed the experience of the hot water running down their bodies.

The second round had been no less exciting or satisfying; his body had been ready ridiculously soon after the end of round one. The comfort of their bed had allowed them to take things more slowly, albeit with a significant amount of teasing and laughter. The experience had been joyous and energetic. He had repeatedly rolled their entwined bodies around the bed and varied the pace. Thankfully, Rae had been a bit quieter as it had been late and even in his lust-fuelled mind, he’d been aware that Chop and Izzy would most likely have been sleeping.

He had found himself entirely sated and relaxed afterwards, with no burning need for emotion filled love-making. He’d slept well and woke refreshed after his scant five hours. He looked down his body again and pushed the covers back a bit so he could review his new ink. Although it was a piece of some scale, it flowed and worked well as whole as well as in its constituent parts. Absurd though it seemed for someone in his profession, he would never have had the confidence to conceive and undergo such a project without her by his side.

Gently, he rolled back towards his girl- his friend, his lover, his confidante, his muse. Watching her sleep was one of the privileges and pleasures he had come to look forward to. Quite often, she was awake long before him, so it was a far rarer occurrence than he would have liked. Seeing the bow of her lips and her pale cheeks and long dark eyelashes, he longed to reach out and touch her. Yet he didn’t wish to disturb her sleep, so instead chose to think through his plans for their housewarming weekend.

*****************************

Rae was brushing Izzy’s hair on the sofa, taking great care. Izzy was looking rather tired after a particularly arduous day at work so Rae decided to turn their girly evening into something of a pampering session. Chloe had cried off at the last minute, but Lucy, who had been helping her with that special project, made a worthy substitute.

“You have the most beautiful hair, Izz. It’s like Autumn, russet and gold and rich and…god, will you listen to me? “

Lucy smiled. “That poet inside you wants releasing, Rae.”

“Ooh.” Izzy’s face lit up. “He’s at it again.” She grinned looking at her bump. “Here.” She grabbed Rae’s hand and placed it on her swollen belly.

Rae’s eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped slightly.

“God Rae, you’re just like Finn sometimes.”

Intrigued Rae looked up before the cogs kicked in. “You mean, he?” She raised her eyebrows.

Izzy nodded. “He’s one soppy boy, Finn.”

“Looks like he’s hard as nails, but he’s soft as anything inside.” Lucy commented.

“So how are you about Finn going to college, honestly? I know it’s only a couple of days a week, but even so.” Izzy sounded a little uncertain.

“It’s really good. I mean I’m so proud of him.” Rae stated just a little too firmly.

As she stared out of the french windows, she recalled how he had broken the news, and how she had felt so jubilant and overjoyed. But as the news had settled in, so had something else, something that niggled ever so slightly, but remained nameless. It wasn’t the nights that would be spent apart, or even him being with London and meeting new people. Rae’s fingers fidgeted against each other.

“Rae?” Lucy’s voice broke through her introspection.

Rae looked back at the pair on the sofas, unable to prevent the slight watering from one eye.

“Rae, are you ok?” Izzy’s hand found her friend’s arm.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just…it’s nothing.”

“Rae, we’re mates. But if there’s a problem, you have to tell Finn. I know you’ve been through a real shitstorm and life hasn’t been kind to you. But now is the not the time for holding back anymore. Finn needs your support and your love. And if there’s some reason why that’s just not possible, then may I suggest that you get it out in the open and pronto.”

Izzy looked shocked as Lucy got up and walked out of the front door.

“Oh fuck.” Rae studied the pattern of her converse laces, uncomfortable in the silence.

“I don’t know what’s got into her. She seemed so lovely. Perhaps it’s the time of the month or perhaps she just needs a good boyfriend or something.”

“Izz.” Rae met her friend’s eyes. “She has a point. I’m actually 100% ok with Art college. It’s just…” She broke off and glanced down at a broken nail. “I mean, you should have seen the look on Finn’s face when he told me about it all. He was just so proud and happy with himself.”

“Jesus. I’m sorry, but I don’t get it either. If you’re happy with him going, what’s up? Rae?”

“I…it’s just. This is going to sound so selfish but….what if he….” Rae looked up from the stain on her converse that had been occupying her mind to see Lucy leaning against the doorframe. She took a deep breath.

“What if it makes him realise that I’m simply not enough for him?” She asked, her voice no more than a low whisper.

A small wry laugh escaped Lucy’s lips as she shook her head. “You two make a right bloody pair. Finn and I had a very similar conversation earlier. And I’m sorry I was out of order earlier, but Finn’s like the brother I never had and I couldn’t stand by and see him hurt again. You two need to knock your bloody heads together and commit to this relationship completely fearlessly, because otherwise, without meaning to do so, you’ll tear each other apart. I don’t know what it needs for you both to give in and just love each other without over thinking everything.”

“Yeah, you two should just get married or something.” Izzy jumped in.

Rae raised her eyebrows. “Somehow, I don’t think Finn’s the marrying kind. Besides we’re not ready, Izz.” Those words Finn had said about a quiet life echoed in her head. With a smile on her lips she began, “We just need to live together without any flipping drama for a few months. Get used to the new dynamic and take it from there.” Yet the conviction was not still entirely present in her voice.

“Rae? What’s your dream?” Izzy smiled softly.

“What?” Rae responded with a furrowed brow.

“I mean, where would you like to be in say five years time? Close your eyes and picture yourself in five years time. What do you see?” Izzy ventured.

Rae bit her bottom lip, closed her eyes as bidden, and took some calming deep breaths.

“Well, it’s a hot sunny day and I’ve walked home from work. I’m a bit late because I’ve had to help one of the pupils understand The Merchant of Venice better. I don’t think he really tried with the story because he thinks he’s not capable of understanding Shakespeare. But I know that with a little extra help, I can get him interested enough that he’ll actually go home and read the book for the first time; and not some crappy revision guide.

I’ll open the front door and my pug will greet me. He’ll bounce up and down, happy that I’m home. And, although I’m tired, and my feet ache a bit, I’ll look in the fridge and decide what to cook. It’s going to be chicken curry as I have vegetables to use up as well as the chicken that I was going to stir fry but forgot.

As the sauce is simmering on the stove, I’ll go upstairs and run myself a long hot bath full of honeysuckle scented bubbles. I might have glass of wine while I’m in the bath if it’s a sophisticated kind of day or a cold beer if I just want to relax. I’ll put some tunes on, probably Primal Scream, no the Roses, no…oh I don’t know.

And when I get out of the bath, I’ll wander into the bedroom and I’ll open the window because I’m really rather hot from having been in the water. My skin is all pink and slightly wrinkly. And as I look out of the window, I’ll catch sight of Finn. He’s painting shirtless…oops sorry. Yeah umm, he’s stood at his easel painting with his headphones on. And I’ll run downstairs in my towel, feeling a little silly that I hadn’t noticed that he was home early from work. And I’ll throw my arms around him and….”

Rae opened her eyes and blushed.

Lucy grinned at her. “You know, your dream is there for the taking, if you really want it. But you have to make it happen. Dreams take work. And you mustn’t let all these negative thoughts get in the way. They’ll bog you down. Don’t let the what ifs and the worries steal your dream Rae. Fucking go and get it.”

“D’you know,  I’ve been shit about that. I suppose I just thought it would easy. Leaving our pasts behind and everything that went with them. But,” She paused to fiddle with her watch strap. “I’ve been a bit naive, haven’t I? I thought we’d speak about our problems the once and be done with them and I..” Rae stood up.

“Lucy, there’s something I need you to help me with. I’ll call you, ok?”

Rae grabbed her coat and was almost out of the door when Izzy’s voice rang through to the hall.

“Where are you going?”

“S&N’s. There’s someone I need to see right now.”

***********  
Chloe stretched out on the satin sheets admiring her newly painted pink toe nails. The salon really had done a great job and it had been a much anticipated treat after a long week at work.

“Mike?”

“Humm?”

“You know that Finn’s given me a wodge of cash and asked me to help Rae choose something really nice to wear for next weekend?” She paused and extended her hand to check on the contrasting fuchsia manicure. “You don’t think Finn’s planning some sort of secret wedding or something? Rae would hate it.”

“Chlo.” Mike’s voice was sleepy and low. “Do we have to talk about this right now?”

“It’s on my mind.” She responded flatly, then turned on her side to face her naked and most definitely gorgeous boyfriend. He had one arm tucked behind his head, the fringe of his quiff had dropped a little and there were still traces of sweat on his body.“It’s important, Mike. I couldn’t bear if it…”

Mike put his hand up. “Okay, I get it.” He furrowed his brow and fell silent for a minute. “I’m almost certain that Finn wouldn’t do something like that. He can be a little impulsive at times, but that’s really not his style.”

“Perhaps he’s planning to pop the question, then.” Chloe giggled.

Mike shook his head. “I’d be really surprised. Apart from the fact he wouldn’t want to put Rae on the spot so publicly, he just hasn’t the confidence. Knowing Finn’s past, I just can’t see him as the marrying kind. I mean..I don’t know, Chlo.”

“But he does love her, doesn’t he?”

Mike nodded thoughtfully. “Without a doubt. But he’s yet to find his feet in terms of communicating things to her as well as he could. He can express himself beautifully through his art but while he’s a very practical person the day to day reality of a relationship isn’t easy for him. I mean, I don’t think it’s that easy for anyone because love’s never as straightforward as you think it should be. But it’s something that each couple has to define for themselves. We all have to find our own path and continually work at it. And Finn and Rae haven’t really had that chance yet. It’s been perpetual upheaval and change for them.

To be honest Chlo, I’m relieved Finn’s chosen not to go to art college full time. No matter what Rae says, I don’t think she’s ready to cope with that and they’re not strong enough to be apart so much. They both need each other far more than they’re probably willing to admit. Both of them are insecure, have a lot of baggage and require significant and ongoing reassurance. It’s an extraordinary tricky relationship, I suppose. Yet I can’t honestly see either of them with anyone else. I’m sure they were always meant to be together. Rather like you and me.”

Mike took Chloe’s hand into his own and looked at the ring he’d bought her.

“Chlo, you are sure about this, aren’t you? I know we’ve only been with each other for a few months,but I just know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I’m not frightened to stand up for it, no matter what other people may think. “

Chloe’s hand cupped Mike’s cheek. “I love you, Mike. I don’t care what anyone else says, it’s for keeps. I still can’t quite believe us - it was just so unexpected. In a good way.” She giggled. “I mean, I don’t think most people would look at us and believe we’re a couple. But how could they know? We’re both so different, yet so alike. And I know I can talk to you about anything and not feel self conscious or fear being judged. You’re incredible.”

“Well so are you, Chlo.” Mike leant over and kissed her. “And you are so beautiful.”

Chloe blushed. “ I’ve been thinking. We need to go and see my parents at the end of this month. I don’t want to hide this any longer.”

“But your dad… I don’t want to be the cause of any…”

“No. If he can’t be happy for us then that’s just tough on him. Nothing’s going to change my mind and it’s about time my parents realise it.”

Chloe pulled Mike close against her. “You might think I’m beautiful, but you’re gorgeous, too. I mean…” She ran her hand down his chest. “Just thinking about you gets me hot and bothered and touching you…” She placed a kiss on his broad chest.

Mike rolled over and started to kiss Chloe with a burning passion that made her gasp and started fire spreading through her veins.

*******************************  
Lucy flicked her fringe out of her eyes for what seemed like the thirtieth time that day. It kept escaping the grips designed to hold it back while she was working. Her fingers were particularly tired as she had been working for hours on the special commision in front of her. She recognised it as an exceedingly good piece of work, but something wasn’t quite right and she sighed and bit her lip.

She felt the heat from pair of hands on her shoulders; a pair of hands she had come to know well recently and she began to relax.

“What’s up?” Her girlfriend Rhian asked, in a voice laced with concern.

“It’s just I can’t quite get this right. And whatever I do doesn’t seem to improve it.”

“How long have you been sat there fiddling with it?”

“About three hours. I have to get it done. The party’s at the weekend and I still have lots of other stuff I promised to organise for Rae.”

“These people really mean a lot to you, don’t they?”

“Yeah. Finn’s like the brother I never had. He’s so sweet, a bit dorky and a hopeless communicator but he has such heart. And you’ve seen some of his work. He’s shit hot with a needle but his brush work is exquisite. And I can’t help but want to mother him even though he’s older than me.”

The room filled with rich laughter.

“Then there’s Rae. She’s tough and determined but still so unsure of herself. Not that Finn’s much better. They both deserve some happiness and I just want to help them.” Lucy paused and looked at her hands, stretching her out her aching fingers. “Will you come with me? This weekend, I mean. I know you don’t know them, but I’d like to introduce you.”

“I can’t really gatecrash someone’s house warming.”

“You can and you must. They won’t mind an extra one. I promise.”

“I suppose I could duck out of band practice.”

“Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Yeah, you’re my girlfriend. I want to spend time with you.”

Lucy took one of the hands from her shoulder and kissed it. “Cool. I don’t suppose you’d mind helping me with the other project I need to sort for, then. It’s probably your kind of thing.”

Soft laughter followed. “Okay. But first you need to relax for a bit. You’ll focus far better when you’re not so tense.”

Rhian began to massage Lucy’s upper back, dropping the straps of her loose vest down her shoulders. Lucy’s head dropped forward in bliss.

**************************************  
Finn sat on the old paint splattered duvet cover on the floor. His back ached, his shoulders ached and his arms ached. He yawned and took a minute to gather himself before picking up yet another pot of paint. They all looked the bloody same when you’d been painting for six hours without a break and he was close to being at his wits’ end and throwing the towel in. Right now, all he wanted to do was go home and sink a few beers.

A knock at the door disturbed his spiralling train of thought. He ran down the stairs, fearing it was Rae. But stood on his doorstep in a tatty pair of cords and faded Fred Perry polo was his oldest friend.

“Oh Archer. Boy, am I glad to see you.” He embraced his friend.

“You ok, Finn?” Archie looked bemused.

“Fucking painting’s doing my head in. Can’t seem to get it right. It’s so fucking complex. I just wanted to give Rae something nice to look at. And now me, the art college student to be, can’t even paint a simple mural.”

Archie placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Calm down. It’s fine. Trust in yourself. Let’s have a brew and I can get on with painting the spare room.”

They walked through to the kitchen with its brown lino floor and cream units. That and the bathroom were the two rooms that were serviceable enough that Finn had decided to leave them alone for the time being. His budget wouldn’t stretch beyond some basic redecoration, though he hoped to save enough in the next few months to tackle the the former.

“So why all the stress about this mural, I don’t get it. You’ve already done one great painting for Rae. She gets that you love her and….”

“We talked the other day.”

“That’s good.” Archie laughed a little condescendingly.

“No, I mean we proper talked. I thought we were getting better at this communication thing, but it turns out we’ve both been a bit nervous about the whole thing and have tried to keep little things to ourselves. Sort of hiding them, you know.” Finn looked down at the toecap of his boots, which now proudly displayed splatters in rainbow hues.

“I know how important talking is. I mean, all we do when we go and see Kester is talk about bloody talkin’. And Mae and me have spent weeks promising we’ll actually do it. We’ll be open and honest. But it’s so much harder to do than that. I thought we’d be okay once we finally sorted things out after she came back. But it’s not quite that easy.”

“Relationships require ongoing commitment and maintenance. And you’re in a period of distinct change right now. You know you can get through this.”

Finn poured water onto the tea bags. He looked up and smiled. “Yeah, I think we can. I mean, Rae came over to S&N’s last night and we really talked. You know all the stupid shit where you’re worried that if you voice it, you’re going to sound like a twat. But it wasn’t like that at all. It seems we’re both equally insecure about us changing and growing apart. But when we discussed it, it seemed that it’s just this unsettling period.

I had no idea that she still worries that I’m going to get bored with her. Honestly, me get bored with her? I thought the other way around was far more likely. She’s so bloody clever and understands people in a way I’m not sure I’m capable of. But I suppose I’m a damn good artist; my mind just works a little differently to hers.

The funny thing is, we both accepted that this slightly crazy arrangement with her course and art college and the house is all a bit of a compromise but neither of us would have it any other way.” A grin broke across his face.

“It’s all a bit chaotic and crazy, but..” He shrugged. “It’s what we both really want. Rae gave me this yesterday.” Finn pulled out a small notebook from his pocket.

Archie frowned.

“I know it doesn’t look much. But we talked virtually all night about stuff. And she suggested that when we both have doubts or difficult thoughts we write them down. We’re going to try and have supper together every night and use that time to talk, Arch. And erm,” Finn blushed. “If I’m struggling with my words, then I can always show Rae the notebook, rather than say nothing.”

A broad beam broke out on Archie’s face. “She really has you down to a ‘T’, Nelson. I like the idea, but you’ve got to follow through with it. No half measures.”

Finn nodded. There had been no half measures last night either. Even when they had found themselves kissing with increasing intensity on his tattooing couch, they had agreed that talking at that moment was far more important than giving into innate carnal desire. He had finally verbalised that he found it easier to express his feelings physically; pouring all his love and devotion into the act that brought so much pleasure. Admitting it had released something in him and a tangled web of words emerged that they had spent quite some time unpicking.

“I’m beginning to understand all that stuff you keep banging on about,about the influence and the example of our parents. And I’m working on the solid foundations that I never had as a child.”

Finn’s mind took him back to the kiss that followed his impassioned and cathartic speech the previous evening. It had left them both slightly giddy and sharing small nervous smiles. In light of what had come before, neither had been prepared to make the first move, for want of not wishing to sully their declarations. Somehow he’d ended up tickling her and a play fight had started, which was the beginning of his undoing.

She’d had his belt off before he’d barely noticed. He’d chased her around, slipping in his socks. When he finally caught her, he’d accidently torn her blouse. She’d been genuinely miffed about it, until he’d managed to get his mouth to her neck and she had momentarily capitulated before pushing him off and running away again, this time to switch some music on. He’d disdained her music choices of course, which had only given her more time to unbutton his shirt.

He’d tickled her mercilessly and finally managed to remove the torn blouse on his couch. However, he hadn’t noticed that she’d undone his flies when he’d stolen a kiss from her. Each kiss had deepened in intensity, but had still been light and playful, until he’d caught her in his arms after she’d been running around in that ridiculously flimsy peach lace bra. He’d pressed himself hard into her and had run his lips all over the fabric, nipping and teasing. His jeans had been on the floor in seconds, to be joined by her skirt, knickers and finally his boxers.

The  peach bra had remained on as he’d finally used that couch for a purpose for which it had never been intended. It hadn’t been comfortable, but it had been so much fun.

“Finn.” Finn looked up to see Archie’s concerned face.

“I know you like sugar in your tea, mate. But you’ve just put six in there. Can’t be good for you. You’re in a world of your own.”

“Yeah, daydreaming.”

“Oh god. I don’t want to know.” Archie pulled a face. “I get enough of that from Rae.”

“Rae talks to you about…” Finn’s eyes widened.

Archie snorted. “No. No. I mean, she’s always saying these little things about you.” He raised his eyebrows. “The funny thing is, she’s also been talking about herself much more positively too. She asked me the other day whether she thought she would have your eye out if she bought one of those push up bra things.”

Finn inhaled some of his tea and stuttered.

“She talked to you about her underwear?” He croaked.

Archie nodded. “Act suprised if she springs a new set on you, though. I’m not saying anymore.” Archie began to fan his friend with his hand. “You’re a hopeless case, Nelson. You are the colour of a tomato right now.”

Finn promptly excused himself for a cigarette while Archie sipped at his tea in tender amusement.

When Finn returned, he nodded at Archie. “I need your opinion, Archie. Can you come with me a sec?”

Archie opened the bedroom door and then his face lit up and he shook his head.

“What is it?” Finn asked nervously. “It’s pants, isn’t it? I fucking can’t get it to flow properly. It feels so confusing and …I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea.”

Finn felt Archie grab his hand and hold it.

“I’m..I’m astounded, Finn. I can see why you’re finding it hard. But trust me, it’s beautiful. And you’ll get there. I’ve never seen you paint like this, in colour, before. I can see so much of your patterns and designs in there, as well as your tattoos, but it looks so different. I just…you’ve bloody done it, mate. You’ve slayed those colour demons that have been haunting you for years.”

Finn stopped in his tracks. “You knew?”

Archie nodded.

*************  
She opened the front door wearily, dumping her heavy bag in the hall gratefully. Looking around the small room, Rae took note of its floral wall paper, coir mat and it’s row of hooks laden with dozens of coats, as if she were seeing it for the first time. This house had been her home in more senses than being a place to sleep for some months. It had seen her through those most tenebrous and fetid of times, the days where everything had been so uncertain, so fragile and happiness had seemed but a fleeting illusion.

A smile slowly grew on her face as more memories began to flood in; those happy times spent with friends, getting accepted on her college course and all those little moments spent with Finn. She finally allowed herself to consider some of their more intimate and intense moments; nights spent in his arms, dancing in the rain, their liaison in the shower, his painting the wall and most delightful and exquisite of all, him painting her body. The emotion that had been building steadily within since she had opened the door burned in her veins and goaded her into action.

Rae rushed through to the living room to find the patio doors open; Izzy was lying back on a sun lounger with her feet up, music was blaring from the stereo and Chop was standing at the bar-b-q prodding the briquettes into life. As she stepped out of the door into September’s waning sun, Rae finally glimpsed Finn, who was intently staring into a smoking oil barrel. Pausing for a moment to observe him throwing in something he had in his hand, her hands clasped each other. Making her way towards Finn, she waved at Izzy and yelled a hello to Chop. Finn glanced up shyly, blinking his thick eyelashes a few times whilst a small smile played on his lips. Softly, Rae placed a hand on his shoulder, leaned in and intentionally kissed his cheek.

“Hello you.” She smiled.

“Good day? You do ok in that assignment, Mae?”

She grinned. “Grade A, no less. But I am damn relieved the week is over. Can’t wait for the party tomorrow.”

She noticed that his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes; his voice was a little strained and he was still standing there with what appeared to be papers in his right hand.

“So err, you been throwing stuff out, then?”

He nodded a little sheepishly. “I’d forgotten how many boxes of shit I had accumulated in the garage. I know it may sound a little silly, Mae.” His voice dropped to a near whisper. “But I don’t want to take any of the shit from the past in our home.”

Rae smiled encouragingly and nudged a shoulder against his.

“And well, I know we’re going to need plenty of room for all the clutter you seem to attract.”

“Oi, dickhead.” She bopped him gently on the nose.

“You’re not denying though, are you?” He joked.

She shook her head in silent mirth. “So what’s failed to make the cut?”

This is when his face dropped a little and silence enshrouded them as he composed himself, ready to face the potentially disconcerting truth.

“You know, old paperwork, letters that sort of thing.”

Rae peered over the edge of the barrel. “And photos of Laura.”

Finn bit his lip. “Well, I hardly want to keep those.” He looked up to meet her eyes. “Actually, there’s a fair bit of her shit in there.”

“Would you mind if I added something?” She tentatively questioned.

He gazed at her with interest, his eyes warm, his jaw relaxed.

“Thankfully Karim did the honours while I was in Tunisia regarding all the Liam stuff. But when I was sorting through my study materials, I found a couple of things from Uni days that he had defaced and I…..” Her voice cracked and broke.

“Hey, hey.” He pulled her into a tight embrace. “It’s all behind us now. You go and get them and any other shit you can think of. I’ve still got a couple more boxes of crap to burn.”

“You had that many photos of Laura?” She snorted derisively.

“Nah, but a whole host of other useless baggage.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and as they passed Chop, he called out. “You got anything you want to burn, Chopper?”

Chop shook his head. “Not that I can think of. But knowing me, I’ll char the meat if I drink too much.” He laughed.

“Well, there’s always your porn stash.” Izzy countered and Chop dropped the tongs and stared at her open mouthed.“Don’t try to tell me it’s Finn’s, because I know it’s not. You’re not the most subtle, Chop.” Izzy added.

Chop focussed on the glowing bricks in front of him. “I haven’t looked at them since I met you, Izz.”

“That was obvious because they were covered in dust, you muppet.”

“Right well, I’ll go and get them, don’t want ‘em in the house when the little one’s here.” Chop stated earnestly before marching off upstairs.

Izzy broke into waves of giggles, which set Rae and eventually Finn off. By the time Chop returned with his not inconsiderable pile of dog-eared magazines, the three were in stitches and Finn doubled over as Chop dumped them unceremoniously in the barrel. He stalked to the far side of the garden and removed a beer from the cooler.

“And the rest, Chop.” Izzy stated clearly with raised eyebrows.

“Have you been reading them?” Chops ill-disguised attempt at diverting attention failed miserably and he disappeared off into the house once more. By the time he returned, Mike and Chloe had arrived; Mike immediately assuming his preferred position in charge at the bar-b-q.

“What’s up with Chop?” Chloe’s voice failed to suppress a slight giggle.

“Well, Finn was burning some of his old stuff and I kind of made him throw his porn in. But I think he might actually be a little pissed off. I think I might just go and have a word.” Izzy stood up slowly, rubbing her lower back.

“What’s Finn burning?” Chloe’s voice was somewhat conspiratorial.

“Oh you know, old stuff like paperwork and school books and photos of Laura and…”

“I see. So it’s kind of a ceremony. Out with the old and all that.”

Rae’s brow furrowed and then she smiled warmly. “Yeah, I suppose it is symbolic.” A seed germinated in her mind, but she decided it was best saved for later when the alcohol will have worn down the rough edges of the day and when the night would finally be upon them.

Grabbing a bottle of white wine from the cooler, she popped the pre-opened cork and took two tumblers from the table. “Cheers, Chlo. Thanks for coming. I thought nobody would bother, what with the party tomorrow afternoon.”

“I’m your best mate. Don’t you think it seems fitting to spend your last night in this house with us all? Besides, none of us had anything better to do.”

“Oi.” Rae bumped her shoulder against Chloe’s. “Cheers.” She raised her glass and then caught sight of Archie wandering in through the french windows, bottle of wine in hand, shortly followed by Jim bearing a picnic hamper.

As the evening wore on, the music became louder, food was finally served and copious amounts of beer imbibed. The conversations became more raucous and laced with dark humour and Rae found herself engrossed by the tale Mike was regaling about his time in the crazy flat in London. Izzy was snuggled against Chop on the swing sweat and Archie and Jim were crammed together in the lounger. Mike was sat on the floor on a tartan picnic blanket with Chloe at his side.

Something felt a little amiss, a little colder, and Rae realised that Finn must have been re-loading the oil drum as he had done so many times that evening. She glanced across the garden to see him stood next to it. But his posture was different this time; his head was bowed, his shoulders hunched and his fingers  running down what looked to be a greeting card. He rocked back and forth slightly on his feet and within an instant Rae inherently comprehended that he needed her.

As unobtrusively as possible, she stood up and silently joined him, placing a hand on the small of his back. Although he opened his mouth, no sound was forthcoming and he bit hard on his lower lip in an attempt to prevent tears. Gently, she ran a hand down his arm and eased that, which was evidently deeply troubling him, from his grip. It was nothing more than a cheap birthday card bearing a picture of two cricketers on the front.

Slowly, she opened it and her breath caught in her throat. “Oh Finn, how old were you when she sent this?”

He swallowed, then croaked, “15”.

“Perhaps this is one for keeping? It’s more of a letter, isn’t it?”

“Dear Finn…” He recited. “Happy Birthday. I am so sorry I can’t be there with you to celebrate, but the airfare back to the UK is crippling. But it’s the thought that counts, right? I was going to give you a call but we’re moving about a fair bit so I thought I’d send you a card. I know it’s been a few years but I still think about you and…”

His nose bumped into  Rae’s collarbone as his voice finally gave out, swollen with emotion. Rae wrapped him carefully in her arms, perpetuating the rocking motion from earlier. As his body began to still, she kissed his cheek.

“I can’t believe I’ve kept that all those years, Mae. All those bloody years and look at what it can still do to me.” The words dripped off his tongue with morose acerbity.

He slid away from Rae’s embrace and his shaking hand abruptly dropped the card into the blaze. His hand fumbled in his jeans pocket. Knocking his cigarette packet to the floor elicited a profanity. But he laughed churlishly as his lighter fell from his shirt pocket when he bent down to retrieve them. Back defiantly turned to the others, he lit up in front of the barrel and peered in to witness the card curl and deform in the heat, as he tapped the ashes from his Marlboro light onto the blackened remains inside the barrel.

Having tossed the butt in for good measure, he turned to face Rae. “Never fucking liked cricket anyway.” He wandered towards the cooler and allowed Mike open a beer for him.

Her finger trembled a little as she retrieved the paper and pens from inside; doubting the wisdom of her so called moment of genius. The pad of wide-lined paper and the pile of plastic biros with their chewed ends looked so cheap and insignificant for their intended purpose. She ran her fingers down the top leaf and grasped it between her fingers, visualising the words she imagined it would bear. She startled as she felt strong arms wrap around her waist from behind.

“Alright?” Finn whispered quietly in her ear, his head nestling on her shoulder. “What’s the paper for?”

She tried to speak but her mouth was too dry to release any words. She swallowed a couple of times. “It’s stupid… silly…Don’t know what I was thinking.”

She felt Finn’s thumb massage the back of her hand reassuringly as the warmth from his body began to spread to hers.

“I think we all have ghosts, Finn; demons from our past, things we’re not proud of, mistakes we’ve made and stuff we just want to leave behind. So I just thought that perhaps…” She ceased as his lips met her neck in a rather sloppy kiss.

“Let’s go and distribute this lot.” HIs voice calm, confident and full of silent admiration.

She watched as Finn explained to Mike and Chloe, his posture relaxed as he ran a hand through his hair. Strengthened by this, she started with Jim and Archie, believing Chop to most likely be recalcitrant or dissenting.

But it was Chop who stood first at the oil drum. “I don’t know about you peoples but I want to read mine out as I throw the fuckers in. Right so no more putting parties first above me girlfriend and me mates.” The paper was thrown in with dramatic flourish and a huge toothy grin on Chop’s face.

And so the burning began. The sky had grown dark and the flames licked up the side of the corroded barrell, sending charred remnants of paper into the night sky. The more alcohol consumed, the more secrets unburdened. Yet there was no shame, nor fear. Periodically, someone would step up in reflective silence and release a secret without fear of judgement. Finn changed the music occasionally, Rae marking his scores with dancing, clapping, eyerolls or raised eyebrows.

Body by body the group moved inside, where Chop instigated watching a horror film much to the amusement of the gathered crowd. It was one they had all seen before, but nobody complained. Bellies full, bodies tired and eyes alight, they all gathered around the TV once more. More than half an hour in, Rae realised that Finn was missing.

She left the group as nimbly as possible, bottle of beer in hand. Sliding back the french doors, she gasped in delight at the inky blue sky proudly revealing thousands of shining stars. Brimming with childlike wonderment, she joined Finn, who was poking at the contents of the drum with a long, thick stick.

“Bloody bits keep flying out.” He grinned, retrieving some blackened leaves of paper from from the grass and putting them back in. His face was smudged with cinders and his fingers bore the marks of many confessions.

“Look at the state of you.” Rae laughed freely, trailing a finger down his dirty cheek and onto his neck. It lingered on his throat as she pressed her lips against his.

He cupped her cheek as he slipped his tongue into the mix, craving her sweet mouth. All was forgotten for a moment as their passion intensified. They finally broke apart at the sound of the patio door being pulled to rather firmly.

He touched her nose with his index finger. “Looks like we’re a matching pair now.”

The lines on her brow quickly smoothed out as she ran a hand through his hair. “You really are a dickhead sometimes.”

“Says you.” He extended his hand to hers and pulled her onto the swing seat with him.

Curling her feet up under her, she leant her head into his side and interlaced their fingers, gazing longingly at the orbs above.

His voice was so small that she had to ask him to repeat himself.

“I said, are you ok about tomorrow?  I don’t mean the party, I meant the moving bit.”

She nodded into his shoulder. “It feels right. Being with you, it’s all I really want Finn. But I can’t deny that I am a little sad at leaving here.” She stared back towards the house where she could  see her friends laughing through the glass. “This really was our first home. It has a lot of good memories. And I’m going to miss waking up to your beautiful painting; it’s a bit of a wrench to leave that behind.”

“I know.” He answered soothingly, stroking her hair. “I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I’m going to miss it too.”

“Have Chop and Izzy decided what colour they want in the room?” She chewed the inside of her cheek, having found it a little difficult not to say ‘our room.’

“Well here’s the story, Mae. Chop asked me to design and paint a mural in there. And you know I would if that’s what he really wanted. But I’ve been helping him on the sly. He just needed a little encouragement to come up with his own. We’re going to paint the back wall a dark blue, as that should cover all me work quite efficiently. Then Chop’s going to paint a tree, a stargazing hare and lots of stars in the sky. Apparently Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is Izzy’s favourite nursery rhyme.”

“I love you, Finn Nelson.” The words couldn’t be contained any longer and they burst forth in a joyous rush.

He smiled lazily. “And I you, Mae.”

She looked up to see his face fall as he started to do that thing with his mouth.

“Umm, there’s something  I wanted to ask you?”

It felt as if her heart skipped a beat and her veins pulsed with fresh blood.

“I err… would you rather I called you Rae? I mean, I feel like a right dickhead for never asking you before.”

She shook her head. “I love it when you call me Mae, you dickhead.”

Before she understood what was really happening, she was on his lap and kissing him with a smoldering fervour as his hand tangled in her hair and his hips push upwards. The flames began  to flicker in her belly when he groaned as her hand met the skin just above his jeans.

Deftly he lifted her off him and onto her feet, brushing her hair, releasing undesirable shapes of curled paper.

“I think you may need a bath.” His voice was laced with lust.

She raised her eyebrows. “Says the chimney sweep.” She giggled, smudging more soot onto his beautiful face. His hand in hers, they made their way towards the front door, hoping to sneak in undisturbed, but she paused on the threshold.

“Are you sad to be leaving?” Her eyes wide and searching.

“Ummm. I’m going to miss Chop and Izz. I’ve lived here for a long time, so it’s a bit odd. But it’s been too long at the same time.” He grinned and slid his hand up to her bottom, pulling her fast against him. “Now will you stop distracting me, you dirty girl?”

He raised his eyebrows and she smiled as he opened the door. They believed that they had made it unnoticed into the bathroom but as the water began to run, hushed giggles and knowing looks were shared by their friends downstairs.

He undressed her slowly and deliberately, occasionally daubing her body with the ashes that remained on his fingers. She reciprocated wordlessly, tracing a grey heart onto his chest before placing her lips against the hollow at the bottom of his throat. He groaned wildly before picking her up and depositing her in the bath. She curled up at one end and he accepted her invitation, stepping in and under the mountain of bubbles.

He washed her body reverently, fingers caressing her skin and causing her to moan softly. Washing her hair was more of a puzzle, but they worked it out in their own time and his fingers combed gently through the sodden, shining locks. Rae made him stand and took a sponge to lather up his skin before rinsing it off, until he pulled her back down. But she was not finished and washed his hair with him kneeling up before her. She poured clean water from a jug over his head to rinse his body, as the water had turned an impressively murky hue.

He sat once more at the far end of the bath, legs apart, pulling her into the space they left. His hardness pressed firmly into her back as he kissed her shoulders and neck. Before he really knew what he was doing, he was thrusting against her and she finally stopped their game.

“It’s filthy in here, Finn.” She stood up and pulled the plug.

“Shower?” He pleaded..

She shook her head. “You remember what happened last time. Besides I’d like to say goodbye to our room.” She looked around and picked up the only towel hanging up in the bathroom.. “You may want to hide that.” She smirked at his groin, then shocked him by walking out of the bathroom naked.

******************************    
She buried her head under her pillow and pulled the duvet around her, creating a cocoon from the incessant knocking at the door. The bed was warm and the feather duvet irrepressibly soft and comforting tucked between her knees.

“Get out of bed, you knobheads.” Came through the door, making Rae curse into her pillow.

Suddenly, Chop flung the door open wide such that it crashed against the wall.

“Get your butts out of bed now and downstairs. It’s eight o’clock, Izz has sorted breakfast and Lucy has arrived.”

Finn groaned on the far side of the bed and tried to bury his head beneath a pillow.

“Oh no you don’t, sunshine.” Chop ripped the pillow from Finn’s grasp and tossed it on the floor. “And for god’s sake put some clothes on Finny, we don’t want Izzy going into early labour.”

Rae rolled to face Finn and began to giggle, for she had clearly stolen all of the covers. However, it took her getting up and grabbing a dressing gown before Finn’s eyes opened wide in embarrassment and he pushed his body and face down into the mattress.

Breakfast was a joyful yet simple affair: coffee, orange juice, croissants and cereal. The friends ate around the table while Finn and Lucy smoked, deep in conversation, outside. Rae watched carefully whilst chewing on a croissant smothered in butter and strawberry jam, as she wished to pick a quiet moment to ensure that her plans would come to fruition. She crossed one leg over the other under the table and started to swing the top leg back and forth a little. She pondered the semantics of the day as she was fairly sure Finn had a couple of things up his sleeve, but there had been no indications as to what.

Absentmindedly, she  pulled another croissant from the pile and started to spread jam on it when Finn plonked himself on the chair next to hers. A swig of coffee is all it took for him to pull a face.

“Urh, coffee’s so bitter.”

“There’s a pot of tea in the kitchen. I made it specially for you.” Izzy beamed.

“Thanks Izz, you’re a star.” Finn got up and kissed her on the cheek before ambling towards the kitchen. However, he choose to pause by Rae, tear a piece of her croissant off and pop it into her mouth. He was deliberately slow to withdraw his fingers as she sucked the jam off.

Rae observed Finn playing mother in the kitchen and pouring out tea for him and Chop. Their faces lit up as some joke or other was shared and Chop patted Finn on the shoulder. They then shook hands and embraced warmly, Finn ruffling Chop’s hair. Finn began to look more awake when he sat back down; accompanying his tea with a huge bowl of cereal. He ate with relish and couldn’t seem to stop smiling to himself. Its effect was infectious and Rae wondered if she was inadvertently taking part in a childish grinning competition.

Eventually, Finn finished his tea and took his dishes through to the kitchen before making his way up the stairs. Rae joined Lucy in at the sink and the pair washed up and finalised their plan accompanied by Radio 1. Having tidied everything away, Rae checked her her watch, wondering what was taking Finn so long. No sooner had she sat down on the sofa, she was back on her feet as curiosity had won out.

Opening the bedroom door, she found Finn tipping the contents of the of a drawer into a large black bin bag.

“Erm Finn.” She cleared her throat.

“Yes, Mae.” He raised his eyebrows with a grin on his face.

“What are you doing?”

He dropped the bag and wandered over to her, slinging an arm around her waist. “Well, assuming you do actually want some clothes to wear tomorrow, I thought I’d do the last bit of packing, as I know you won’t want Chop handling your erm…your smalls.”

Rae giggled. “Fair point.” Then she frowned. “But it’s all going to be muddled up. We’re going to have to sort out whose shirts and tops are whose.”

Finn pulled at the cuff of the flannel she was wearing. “Erm, Mae.” He smirked impishly.

Rae looked at the shirt and bit her lip. “Fuck. Sorry. I genuinely thought this was one of mine.”

He laughed and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Likely story.” Placing his lips against hers, he stole the first of several kisses that would only serve to delay their departure further.

****************************  
It was late morning by the time Gary opened his front door to a grinning Finn and his beautiful girlfriend. He embraced the pair before sending Finn off to brew tea, he stood in the hallway with Rae.

“It’s being delivered today Rae. Deep blue as you asked for. And erm..” Gary blushed lightly and runs his hand through his hair in the way his son inherited. “I took the liberty of ordering some matching cushions and a throw.” His blushed deepened as Rae hugged him enthusiastically, whispering her thanks in his ear.

Having drunk their tea and eaten the custard creams that Finn always pretended he didn’t like, Gary led them through to the front room. The floor was littered with dusty cardboard boxes, draped in cobwebs. Finn sat down slowly on the sofa and took a deep breath as Rae perched next to him.

“I uhh… I didn’t know whether you’d… or what was in these days, so I brought most of it out of the loft. Take as much or as little as you want. Your nan would simply be happy it’s being used and loved again.” Finn remained mute and still as Gary went to open the curtains. Then he caught sight of the empty bottle of scotch and the cut glass tumbler next to his father’s favourite chair.

“How’s about some Ella Fitzgerald, Da?”

His father took an age to turn round, but when he finally managed it, he had a warm smile on his face. As the music saturated the air, Finn opened the first box, which happened to be full of china. He shifted it along to Rae.

“Me nan was very fond of taking tea the proper way. And she never threw much away. I doubt there’s much that matches in there.” He nudged her shoulder. “Depends what you think.” He added quietly.

Witnessing Finn’s tone, semi nonchalant shrug and the way he nibbled at his cuticles, Rae played the game anyway and took out a rose patterned tea-cup to admire. This was followed by another cup of a similar, but slightly different, design. It took her over fifteen minutes to unpack all of the newspaper wrapped contents. She surveyed the motley collection of two teapots, three cake plates, jugs, numerous cups, saucers and sideplates with a smile.

“Gary, would you mind terribly if we took these?”

“Choose which ever ones you like, love.”

“Umm, I meant the whole lot. I do love a good tea party.”

The older man’s face broke out into a huge grin and she felt the tension leave Finn’s body as he let out a long breath. Several kitchen items were selected from the next few boxes out of necessity: pots, pans, a dented colander, salt and pepper mills, a tin casserole dish and some ovenware. They had hit upon a routine, with Finn passing Rae a box and taking one for himself.

Rae flicked through the pages of a musty smelling cloth covered child’s book by an author she had never heard of. Despite its tatty spine and yellowing pages, the illustrations were bright, vivid and enticing. She put it down to find another similar book but in much poorer condition. As she neared the bottom of the box, she picked up a Thomas Hardy and curled her legs up underneath her. All purpose faded away as she became immersed in the text.

When Finn’s breath caught roughly in his throat, she turned to find him running this thumb down the mottled glass of a picture frame, its loose back rattling slightly. Somewhat reluctantly, he handed her the sepia portrait of a couple on their wedding day. She held the picture reverently, for she didn’t need to be told, and then looked up longingly at Gary who nodded his head. It joined the ever growing pile of things to take with them.

Gary was looking out of the window again and Finn was wrist deep in the photo box, so Rae carefully navigated her way back out to the kitchen and put the kettle on. The teapot took a little finding as it appeared Gary had done some sorting of his own since she was last here. She remembered to fill it with hot water and rinse it out first to warm it up before emptying it, ready  for its intended purpose.

Proudly, she carried the tray, set with the cups, milk, sugar and teapot toward the living room but her legs wouldn’t carry her any further when she reached the doorway. For Finn and his father were kneeling shoulder to shoulder on the floor, talking in hushed tones whilst Finn clutched a photo in his hand. Trying to be as careful as possible, she quietly placed the tray on the hall console and backed away, intending to go to the toilet. Except she tripped on an undone lace of her converse; a muttered “fuck” escaped her lips as she put out a hand to steady herself on the wall.

Sheepishly, she looked at the pair with an apologetic smile.

“Please come in, Rae. Just looking at a couple of my wedding photos.”  Gary handed her a picture of him with much longer hair, wearing a bell-bottomed pale grey suit and holding the hand of a blonde lady in a yellow suit.

“Just look at your hair.” Rae cursed her ability just to wade in with her size nines.

A chuckle emanated from Gary’s throat as Finn passed her the photo. She tried to assimilate all the details as she was only too aware this was likely to be the only time she would ever see this photo. Nobody would deny that Finn’s mother was beautiful and probably fashionable for her time, but it was Gary who really caught her eye.  She examined the familiar contours and shades of Finn’s face once more and then looked back at the photo. With Finn’s somewhat unkempt hair bearing a couple of curls at the nape and the impractically long fringe, the photo could nearly be one of him; the eyes, the smile and the nose were  near identical. It was only his cheekbones that seemed to have come from his mother.

“How old were you, Gary? Sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t.”

“Bit younger than Finn is now. 23.” He responded, raising his eyebrows as the side of his mouth turned down in a faux grimace.

“Met her at a party when I was 16. She was a grammar school girl but I was at the local comprehensive. Never thought she’d be interested, but…” Gary shrugged his shoulders.  
“It wasn’t that we were too young. We just weren’t right for each other or something. Perhaps this life wasn’t enough for her… perhaps I never really knew her.” Gary swallowed hard and Finn tentatively embraced him.

Rae could only just decipher the words Gary pressed against Finn’s cheek. “Sorry, son.” Yet there were no tears, only silent acceptance of the facts. She poured the tea, adding extra sugars to the Nelson mens’. Rae and Gary drank their tea crossed legged on the floor. They glanced at each other as the LP Finn had just put on started to play.

“Nina Simone.”

“The boy’s actually got taste.” Gary’s smirk caused giggles to erupt from Rae’s lips.

“Oi… what’s this party for two on the floor?” Finn flung himself jovially on the sofa. “Mae, you’re going to have to get yourself changed when we get to the end of the A side.”

Pushing her sleeve back to view her watch, Rae’s brow furrowed. “But it’s hours until…”

“We have some places to be.”

This time she raised her eyebrows sternly.

His wink may have been a little too contrived, but Rae went out to the car to collect the bag, her hand automatically reaching in to feel the thin fabric through her fingers once more. The dress had consumed the best part of her budget but Chloe had, for once, known just the right place for bargain shoes and a cardigan. She had also picked up a pair of glass beaded bracelets from the charity shop.

Rae wandered upstairs, running her hand up the bannister, testing its sturdiness with her touch. Hearing the muted strains of a conversation from downstairs, she continued to head up to Finn’s attic room. The bed was unmade and she became a little unsettled at the bareness of the room.  But it wasn’t the thought of their new life that threatened the nascent hope of the day; it was the idea of Gary rattling round in this house full of memories on his own. Nonetheless, she considered that he seemed content,

She brushed her hair and applied a light dusting of makeup to complete her look before inspecting herself in the mirror. The pale blue dress certainly complimented her skin tone, its fabric the lightest of cotton and silk mixes, almost to the point of being slightly sheer. The embroidery on the bust area and ribbon around the neck lifted it from being plain. It showed just the right amount of cleavage and leg due to a long slit down one side. The small iridescent buttons up the front were simply the icing on the cake.

She tossed the rest of her clothing quickly back into bag and almost ran down the stairs. Gary stopped in his tracks as he walked out of the living room, box in his arms. The box was quickly deposited on the hall floor.

“You look lovely.” He stated. “Blue is most certainly your colour.”

Gary’s mouth opened as if in question but was interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming from the spare room. Rae’s chest constricted as Finn came down the stairs in black jeans and a loose fitting, thin, white cotton shirt. Running her hand down the side of his face, her fingers found two days worth of stubble.

“So beautiful.” She breathed against his lips. His arm was around her waist in an instant as he whispered between kisses, “You’re the beautiful one.” His tongue glided quickly into her mouth and her pulse quickened. However, their revelrie was interrupted by loud coughing.

Rae blushed and Finn bit his lip as they turned holding hands to his father.

“Do I have time to get the camera?”

Rae smiled generously, whilst Finn continued to appraise the detail of her outfit. The snaps Gary took with the facade of his house as a backdrop were happy, carefree and filled with laughter; Rae and Finn were unable to keep their bodies from touching.

Gary reflectively said his goodbyes as they put their stuff into the car. But Finn undid the belt Rae had just buckled.

“It’s a warm day, I’m with the most sensational woman. Let’s walk, eh?”

It was another of his little puzzles that Rae decided not to question, simply taking his hand and getting out of the car like it was the most natural thing to do. They had already made it past the end of the driveway when Gary rushed up, pushing a silky piece of fabric into Rae’s hand.

“It was me ma’s. Liberty’s of London.”

Rae unfurled a floral silk scarf in delicate shades of blue. A tear rolled down her cheek as she hugged Gary and thanked him. He held on a little longer than expected.

Rae could only nod lest the tears should really begin. Peace descended once more as Finn’s warm, strong hand squeezed hers and he bumped her shoulder gently. They meandered through the familiar streets of their childhood, burgeoning with a myriad of memories: happy, hopeful, fearful and sorrowful. The map of their early years bore shared streets, a playground, a primary school and shops. They marvelled over the fact that they had never met.

Walking slowly up her mother’s driveway, Rae absorbed the plant pots which she had fallen onto when sneaking out for the night as a teenager, the tattered door with it’s peeling paint and a butterfly wind spinner - a recent addition, no doubt thanks to her younger sister. Wistfully, Rae ran her fingers down the smooth metal of the windchime before turning back to Finn, relieved that the family car had already left for Lincoln.

Finn linked their fingers once more as they headed towards the centre of town, destination unknown. Finally, they came to a halt in front of an old-fashioned florist with its galvanized buckets of blooms on the pavement. He held the door open for her as she stepped carefully into the empty shop.

“Can I help you, mate?” A man in a tweed flat cap emerged from behind the counter, appraising the pair.

“Roses.” Finn stuttered.

The man motioned towards several large buckets full of blooms off different colours: deepest ruby red, pale pink, flaming orange, intense fuchsia and purest white.

“White.”

“You getting married?” The man gestured towards their attire.

Finn shook his head and Rae laughed.

“So how many would you like?”

“Two dozen.”

As the man wrapped up the flowers in two separate bundles according to Finn’s directions, Rae felt Finn spin around on his feet, his fingers picking at the cuticle on his thumb.

“Umm, could you make her something for her hair out of that gypsophila?” He asked, blushing.

“A posy or…?”

“I were thinking more like a circle.” He mumbled.

The man smiled as Rae stroked the back of Finn’s hand. “Could you make that two please?”

“Are you sure you’re not getting married?”

“No.” The pair chorused and began to laugh.

They left the shop, each bearing a bouquet, and Finn with two crowns looped around his arm. It may not have been a long walk to the cemetery in September’s hazy sunshine, yet they meandered  in comfortable quiet. Finn took her to Tix’s grave first before mooching off to the far end.

Rae’s flowers had long been laid, words spoken and thoughts allowed free passage when she turned to espy Finn apparently deep in conversation with the ground. His fringe had flopped forward over his bowed head as he bent down one one knee to place the roses he was still clutching tight next to the headstone.

When they passed the grey granite pillars, Finn shyly crowned her, topped off with a kiss for good measure. Laughing, he placed his own crown on his head, heedless of the the attention they would garner as the streets became busier. The clock on the chippy told Rae it was lunchtime, so she hooked her arm through Finn’s. “So, how about the pub then?”

His expression dropped a little before he caught it. She nudged him in the side. “The woods?” She grinned.

“But how…”

She left him confused in the deli as she dashed to the charity shop on an emergency mission. By the time they arrived in the secluded glade, they were both a little out of breath, warm and very thirsty.

Finn chuckled at the flannel sheet Rae smoothed down in place of a rug. They chinked their mismatched glasses full of elderflower champagne. For the most part, the food stayed wrapped and untouched. They were lying on their backs talking of the party to come later that day, when Finn unexpectedly and shakily pulled her to her feet and into his arms.

She believed he had never looked as breathtaking and disarming as he did at that very moment: his crown of flowers may have been lopsided, his shirt a little crumpled and his hair a little long, but his eyes were dark and the rays of light falling from between the trees made his skin seem to glow iridescently. Slowly and deliberately, she charted the constellations of his freckles with her fingertips, which then crossed the width of his full, slightly parted lips. She ran a hand down the side of his face to test the feel of his stubble before dropping a single kiss on his lips.

“Mae.” He stuttered, taking her hands into his. “I… yesterday were about putting the past behind us. Today I… today is… I wanted ta…”

He bit his lip adorably and gazed at his boots, gathering his courage once more. “Today, I… I wanted to make a promise.” He stammered as the long agonised words turned to vapour on his tongue.

Rae traced her finger down the track of the tear that rolled down his cheek. “May I?” He nodded mutely.

Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply and held her breath before exhaling. Her voice reduced to a near whisper as she began:

“Midwinter we met under Orion’s guiding light  
Running from murky shadows our feet cold and bare  
Through the disconnect of the bitter winter’s long night  
Ivy and hawthorn tangled thickly in our hair

Seemingly impenetrable the ground was frozen  
The mists of memories past swirl suffused with fears  
So unlikely that one another would be chosen  
To dance together to the music of the spheres

Budding snowdrops herald a longed for change in the air  
Bright nascent hope of unheard symphonies conceived  
Spring deftly paints the countryside with her joyous flair  
Dreams of unity, now tentatively believed

When the spirit fire descends and refreshes in May  
Crowns of fair cherry blossom will adorn our heads  
Dancing ‘neath starry skies until the pale light of day.”

She paused, unwinding the silky fabric from her neck and nervously binding it around their joined right hands.

“Fingers entwined, hands bound by shining golden thread

Summer’s seemingly neverending halcyon days  
Will see us bask lazily beneath burning sun  
Thunderstorms sonorously crashing through the heat haze  
Laughing and chasing under rainbows we will run

Softly babbling waters, glistening blue and clear  
Blissfully and innocent we will float downstream  
Towards new horizons whilst holding each other dear  
Through night’s tree lined, shady moss groves lit by moonbeam

Over all the earth, Autumn’s wind will shower the leaves  
Bearing memories of russet, amber and green  
Amongst the proud hedgerows; fields adorned with man’s gold sheaves  
Against the trunk of sturdy oak, our backs will lean

Faces lit, hands warmed by the glow of still burning fire  
Reflecting on the ripe fruits borne by all the years  
Ears discerning the distant music of a new choir  
Our dance will continue but there will be no tears

Aching, weary bones and cold hands will old winter hail  
Smiling, side by side we’ll gaze upon the sunset  
Once firm, the anchor starts to slip, a ship will set sail  
Halos of holly’s red berries our heads beset

And when the shortest day finally draws to a close  
I will take your hand and listen to one more song  
Once again, we’ll meet beyond the celestial flows  
Together become the rainbows we chased so long,”

His lips pressed against hers almost before she finished in a succession of small emotion filled kisses. They settled and stilled him, but then suffused him with a fire he had never been able to control, let alone master.

“I fucking love you, Mae. You are the most unique, talented and beautiful person I’ve ever met.

But you are also so much more than that. You are the air I breathe, the sun in my sky, the stars in my night, the ink on my skin, the patterns I draw, the brush strokes I paint. You run through my veins, you make me feel whole, complete and at peace where I thought none was possible. You are my courage, my armour but at the same time you’re the most vulnerable part of me. You’re in my soul.

I will cherish you, laugh with you, cry with you. I want to be there through all the good times and the bad times that will come. If you’ll have me, I’ll give you my hand until my last breath leaves my body. And, if it’s what you need, when the time’s right,  I’ll stand up in front of other people and be proud to say that. Proud to be with you.”

She threw her arms exuberantly around his neck. His arms pulled her steadfast against him and his full lips kissed hers with breathtaking ardour. They danced through the dappled sunlight to the music playing in their heads; bodies swayng gently, hands frolicing over each other’s contours. They neared the pond and Finn stopped in his tracks.

“Fancy a swim? Uh?” He waggled his eyebrows cheekily and she tapped him on the bottom.

“It will be freezing, you daft numpty.”

Finn shrugged with a huge grin on his face and started to unbutton his shirt. She sat back on the sheet, enthralled as the first the shirt, then the boots, socks and boxers were tossed cavalierly to one side. He ran into the water and jumped in screaming, causing her to collapse on her side in mirth. He made a small show of swimming through the water on first his front and then his back.

As he emerged from the water, he was caught in a stream of sunlight, skin shimmering and hair damp. Slowly and deliberately, he brushed the water off his arms. His fingers lingered over his bicep, his eyes focussed on the intricate, steely geometric designs. His hands moved to the lean contours of his chest as he gazed down his body. Rae’s eyes opened wide as he found his latest artwork beneath his fingers. Watching him enjoy the metamorphosis of his fledgling pride in his rediscovered body grow to this extent was possibly the most erotic thing she had ever seen.

He hesitated and glanced up, like a child caught with their hand in a sweetie jar, as his fingers swept the lowest markings on his skin. His bottom lip was entirely trapped by his teeth. Her near indiscernible nod is all it took for his fingers graze over the unambiguous reaction of his body to his own touch.

Speechlessly, she rose to her feet and slowly unbuttoned her dress whilst holding his gaze. It slipped down onto the sheet and fanned out with a poof of air. The cream lace bra was next to follow, causing Finn to grasp himself roughly with a groan. Rapturously, she removed her knickers and her hands meandered up to the tattoo over her ribs. She made a show of lifting her breast to ensure she could circle its design unhindered. It was when her fingers lingered on the triumvirate of interwoven bands on her inner thigh that Finn bounded over and scooped her up in his arms.

His tongue slid into her mouth as their lips met and his hands blazed trails all over her skin. The air became thick with their need as they kissed with searing intensity. It was not long before his hips snaked and twisted into hers as the glade closed in on them. He sucked on her skin and she nipped at his neck as the pace increased. All of a sudden, he pulled back, his body heaving with the effort of dissisting at such a moment.

Tenderly, he rolled them both onto their sides. His kiss evolved into something more meaningful; slow, reverent and suffused with yearning and fierce devotion. Their eyes remained solely focused on each other’s as they found their languid mythical rhythm that caused the colours of the glade to mute and fade until nothing but sensation remained.

**********************************  
They had left the woods in something of a hurry, after Rae had finally thought to check the time and calculated that they wouldn’t just be a little late for their own party, they would be making a dramatic entrance. Eating in the car had been something of a necessity. Finn was ravenous and she had fed him using her fingers. He’d ended up with copious amounts of crumbs on his lap, but a smile on his face. However, the nerves that had started to waltz in her stomach had meant that she hadn’t had anywhere as near as much as him.

They had fought for control of the cassette player the whole length of the journey. She had managed to get Heathen Chemistry in there for starters. But Finn had whipped out Screamadelica from the side pocket while she had been toying with a scone. From that point, it had descended into a war of mixtapes. She had picked well and her first tape had lasted for the best part of 20 minutes, while Finn had smoked and sung along, face creased in happiness until he remembered that this was meant to be war. His effort had been more blues based than hers; music for dancing, she had thought.

The car pulled onto the block paved driveway and the butterflies in Rae’s stomach fluttered a little more vigorously. She could identify no discernible rationale for their presence and stayed with her seat belt firmly fastened in contemplation. He squatted in front of her, crown lop sided on his head, squashing a lock of hair over his left eye. His hand carefully unfastened the belt, before he intertwined her fingers gently in his. He whispered “You ok?” in her ear. She swallowed and nodded as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “Ready?” She squeezed his fingers and he scooped her up into his arms.

They were but two steps from the front door when it was flung open wide .

“Thank fuck. I was about to send out a sexy search party for you.”

“Chop,” Rae giggled. “What’s a….”

“Don’t ask him. We’ll never make it into the house.”

Chop stepped back, allowing Finn to carry her straight into the living room, where he set her carefully on her feet, one arm lingering over her shoulders.

“Holy shit, Finn. It’s… I mean… ” Rae’s eyes rapidly darted from one aspect of the room to the next, to the third and fourth. The walls were a calming shade of grey, the furniture was relatively sparse; a worn sofa covered with a cream textured throw with tassels, a button back armchair in sage green velvet with a slight tear in the seat. Chloe’s influence was instantly recognisable in the beautifully co-ordinated cushions in grey and cream, some soft and fluffy, some ribbed, and some smooth.

A large bookcase stood against one wall with a low console table next to it which supported Finn’s decks. The bookshelves were full of books and framed photos, but only a single shelf of vinyl at the bottom. Rae frowned, but her eye was quickly drawn by a large pale wooden panel on the back wall covered in recognisable black pattern.  She tugged Finn’s sleeve and pointed. “Graham?”

“Aye. He reckoned you were really taken with them. This was one of his from his front room.”

She was still trying to assimilate the details of her new home when Finn’s nose bumped into her cheek. “I know I’d like nothing more to sit and take it all in with you right now girl, but we’d better get out there.” He gestured towards the open french windows.

She grinned and started towards the garden at a pace, almost dragging Finn along behind in her wake. A round of applause, cheers and whistles began as they stepped outside. Rae scanned the familiar faces: her family, Gary, Graham, Lucy, Archie and Jim, Mike and Chloe, Chop and Izzy. A tall, athletic girl was taking photos from a distance.

The garden was tidy, if a little scrubby around the edges. It boasted some pots bearing cheerful geraniums and lavender and a small herb garden with rosemary, thyme, sage and basil. A handmade wooden bench was situated under a fruit free at the bottom of the garden.

Rae detected Izzy’s influence in the wind spinners and bright butterflies on sticks that poked out of the pots, as well as a couple of strings of fairy lights along the hedges. But her attention was quickly taken by something else; a sudden gust of wind picked up many small pieces of pink and blue paper from the table where her sister was sitting, scissors in hand. As they swirled around in the air, Rae reached out and captured one in her hand - in the form of a star. They settled in her hair, caught on Finn’s crown, landed in the drinks and on top of the food.

Soft crying filled the air. Such was her state of euphoria that Rae questioned whether it may have been her. Instead, her eyes alit on Finn scooping up her sister into his arms.

“What is it, little one?”

Her sister murmured something into Finn’s ear, while clinging onto him.

He shook his head. “No. How could we have got married when our bridesmaid is here?”

Her sister smiled and hugged Finn tightly.

“Besides, I’d have to ask your dad first if I wanted to marry Rae, eh?”

She noticed Karim’s posture visibly relax and she was relieved as she admitted to herself that the thought had crossed her mind. But Finn was right of course; it should be done properly, proudly and in front of those you love. Yet the words they promised in the woods amounted to the same cornerstone and her heart beat a little faster.

In an unusual show of affection, Rae hugged her mother while Finn continued to chat to her sister.

“I’m proud of you, love. I mean your course, your lovely home and your…” Linda got a little closer and spoke quietly in her ear. “At first I wasn’t sure of him. I mean, he’s stupidly good looking but there’s so much more to it than that. He’s kind and considerate and he cares Rae. He really cares even though he’s not the greatest talker. Actually, he reminds me a lot of Karim. You know when we first met our relationship was very physical, especially as Karim’s English wasn’t that great but…”

“How much have you had to drink, Mum?”

Linda began to giggle. “Just a couple of glasses of bubbly.”

Rae turned back, suddenly feeling a little cold and longing for his warmth once more, but Finn wasn’t there. Instead, she ambled over to Chloe and Mike and the conversation quickly turned to the planned visit to Chloe’s parents.

Bending down in the kitchen, Finn grabbed a Becks from the rather well stocked fridge. As he stood back up, he glimpsed a figure out of the corner of his eye, so grabbed a second bottle.

“Er, hi.” He mumbled. “I’m Finn.”

“Rhian.” Her voice was confident and self assured as she extended her hand.

“Nice to meet you. Beer?”

She smiled in acknowledgement, taking the bottle. “So you’re the artist then?”

He frowned. “Tattooist.”

She raised her eyebrows in challenge.

“Ok, I do a little bit of drawing and that. And I’m going to college to learn stuff, but my main thing is native art, particularly tattoos.”

“Luce said you were humble. Sorry, I should have introduced myself properly, I’m Lucy’s partner.”

Finn smiled warmly and raised his bottle. “Bloody glad to meet you. You met the gang then?”

“Yeah, quite the motley crew.”

Finn grinned. “Aye. Look, I feel bad asking, because I’ve been so tied up in my own stuff recently, but is Luce ok? I just haven’t seen as much of her recently…” His voice trailed off. He had gone too far again, forgetting he didn’t know this woman at all.

Rhian chewed a little at her lip, then spoke softly. “Mostly she’s fine. She’s just a little stressed about college, what with it being her final year coming up and not knowing what she’s going to do with her degree.”

“Oh, right. Do you think it would be helpful, if I had a word with her, when I come and stay when I start college? I don’t think I’d be any use but?”

Rhian smiled. “I think she’d like that. She’s looking forward to having you to stay.”

Finn nodded, his brow still furrowed. “Look, I had better get back out there. Everyone’s done so much and I should probably say some thank yous.” Finn’s pulse raced as he walked back outside. There were words he must say, and more than that, he wished to say them to all those gathered.

“Hey Chopper… can you get everyone to shut it for a minute?I need to say something.”

Chop produced a loud drum roll on the table.

******************************************  
Rae’s head was beginning to spin a little, tiredness  creeping in. Izzy and Jim had produced a wonderful spread that they had prepared with the help of the pastry chefs at the hotel. The drinks had flowed freely and Finn had finally taken charge of the music. Dancing with her friends had been uplifting and exhilarating, but eventually, it too had worn a little thin. And right now, she couldn’t even see Finn again. He had been talking animatedly into the evening, flitting between the guests, even dancing with her mother.

She opened the french windows and slipped unseen into the kitchen. She shook her head, as it was laid out in the same format as Izzy and Chop’s kitchen; a little worn, shabby at the edges, but clean and functional nonetheless and it would more than do. She removed her shoes to enjoy the feel of the living room’s soft carpet beneath her feet. She noticed so many more details on this second viewing: her favourite picture of her and Chloe as teenagers, a photo of the gang taken at the festival, a photo of her family, the antique framed portrait of Finn’s nan and her husband on their wedding day and one of Finn’s sketches of her tattoo.

The aching for him grew until the detail of the room surged and weighed her mind down. The feelings of panic began to rise as her feet rooted to the spot. But her logical mind kicked in and she inhaled deeply and walked towards the front door, because where else would Finn be?

She located him, perched on an upended box, his full lips wrapped around the white tip of cigarette, inhaling deeply. He looked up and got to his feet.

“No, you finish that. Bit overwhelming, isn’t it?”

His head bowed forward and he licked his lips softly before replacing the white tip between his lips. His eyes held hers as he inhaled deeply before allowing the thick white smoke to escape his lips, forming curls and tendrils in front of his mouth. He drew some of it back in, his eyes half closing before tipping his head back and blowing the smoke out. Unexpectedly he cut short his display and stubbed out the half-finished cigarette under his boot.

“Umm Finn, there’s something I want you to see.” Her voice was timid and shaky as she held out her hand.

He removed his boots at the foot of the stairs and followed up her up, rubbing the back of his head. As they passed the first door, which was ajar, he pulled it closed as rapidly and as subtly as possible. As Rae switched on the light in the largest bedroom, he blinked his eyes and looked around in a daze.

“But I… how…” He shook his head.

The two shorter walls were painted an inky blue. One had a sofa pushed against it, with two long wooden shelves filled with books above. The second boasted a huge storage system, each of whose cubes held some of his art materials: charcoal, watercolours, oils, brushes, pens, inks and his books. Right in front of the window sat a large table with a wooden top and black metal legs.

“Architect’s table.” She announced quietly and pointed at the two chairs. “We may have to share sometimes though. But I thought when you needed to work at home,” she signalled to the easel, “it might give you the space you needed to think and…” She paused as she noticed him approaching the wooden flat topped stool in the corner.

“Jesus Christ.” He breathed out. His hands instinctively sought out the sculpture and felt its shapely contours.

Rae watched her boyfriend’s hand run over the likeness of her form with his eyes half closed. She was so happy with its shape: she was lying down on her side her chin resting on her hand and her hair in a high ponytail.

“It’s very Matisse.” Finn exhaled almost under his breath.

Soon Rae found his arms around her waist and his lips on her neck as they shared the view of her body.

“You’re a fucking goddess, Mae.” He whispered hoarsely. “Did you… did you pose without your clothes?”

Rae smirked.

“Holy shit.” Finn growled, pressing his hips into Rae. He nipped along her neck and his hands pushed up to test the weight of her bust.

Little sparks passing through her body were just making their presence felt when they heard footsteps on the stairs.

“Hello?” Lucy gripped the doorframe with one hand and swung into the room with a smile.

“We were just talking about your wonderful sculpture, Luce. It’s incredible. You’ve made me look like I am work of art.”

“That’s because you are, Rae.” The girls embraced tightly, while Finn took a moment to gather his thoughts.

“I’d better go and say goodbye to my family.” Rae said, looking out of the window. “They’re getting their coats on.”

As she wandered out of the room, Rhian and Mike walked in.

“Have you seen this?” Finn asked pointing to the sculpture. “Your girl’s a fucking talent. It’s… it’s… thanks, Luce.” He pulled Lucy in for a gentle hug.

“You know, Rhian found the table for Rae and she put all the shelves up and helped me finish sorting the room. With the help of your dad, too.”

Finn’s smile grew warmer. “I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, it was Rae’s idea. She just asked us to help with the surprise.” Lucy grinned.

“Thank you. Thank you for being good mates to her, for everything, Luce. For helping me out. For everything.” Finn ran his sleeve over his right eye. “Soz. I’m being a soppy bastard tonight.”

“Come here.” Lucy asked. Finn allowed her to hold his trembling form for a moment, before he turned to Rhian.

“So erm, thanks for your help. The table is well cool, it’s uh…” Quickly, he strode over to her and embraced her, which she accepted, patting him on the back.

“Right, I need a fag and a beer. You coming?” Lucy held her hand out towards Rhian.

“For the beer, yes.” Rhian raised her eyebrows at Lucy.

“I’ve been hoping to catch up with all week but there’s never been a the right moment.Mike started, leaning his back against the wall. “So what’s it like, finally having a place of your own?”

“Yeah, erm good. It’s really good.” Finn stumbled over his words, uncertain as to exactly why.

Mike sensed there was more to follow, and remained still.

“It’s…I don’t know. I’m just a bit tired and.” Finn exhaled slowly. “I’m more than a little emotional.”

“It’s been one hell of a year.” Mike prompted, guessing at what his friend might be struggling with.

Finn sighed and nodded, before very quietly murmuring. “It’s actually something of a relief to be here. There have been so many times, when I thought we’d never get to this point.” He put his palms flat on the table and looked out of window, before dropping his head and calming himself.

“I still feel really bad about how Rae and I got together. I never meant for…I mean that…”

“Finn, absolutely no need to go over old ground.” Mike put a hand on his shoulder. “We’re both in happy committed relationships now. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all in the past. You already know I understand why it happened. And, I’ll say it again - you’ve always been the right person for Rae. You’ve proved it time and time again with how you managed to help her through everything. Even now, I really don’t know how you managed it, how you coped.” Mike’s voiced trailed off. “Sorry I didn’t mean to bring all this up again.”

“No, it’s ok. I… I just don’t know what to say. Everyone’s different, we all deal with out problems in our own ways. You know, I thought with Rae… I thought if I were just there for her; to support her, to hold her when she cried, to soothe her when she struggled, it would be enough. But…” Finn swallowed thickly as a tear rolled unbidden down his cheek, but he didn’t try to shy away from it. “The thing is sometimes, sometimes love alone isn’t enough. I couldn’t do it for her. That were the hardest part. She had to find it in herself.” The tears were running down his face now.

“But, through it all, you stood by her. And I don’t even want to imagine how hard those months she spent in Tunisia were. And, despite working hard, you put together a portfolio for your college application in that time. That was pretty incredible.”

“I suppose.” Finn shook his head and sighed as his reflection continued. “Looking after Rae was my number one priority but it took its toll on me. I forgot to look after myself properly. I forgot I had my own problems too. I wanted to hide them and be the strong one. But being strong is getting help when you need it. But I didn’t get that bit right at the start either. In fact, it was the thing that could have taken us down. And it’s taken me a long time to start working on my baggage.“ He bit the inside of his cheek hard. “We still have to work at keeping talking and I expect we always will.”.He rocked back on his feet. “I’ve decided to keep on with the counselling, there’s still things I need to work through. Plus I like the idea it’s there in case things bother me.”

“That sounds like a good plan. I’m proud of you Finn. Really proud.” Mike paused. “If you find that college work gets a bit much, or you need time off, just ask me, won’t you? No bottling it up. The diaries are pretty flexible and I’d rather you took on less commissions and didn’t stress yourself out. And I want to remind you, that Chloe and I are there for you both. I’m not saying that. I mean it.”

“Thanks.” Finn choked and turned to embrace Mike, who wrapped him in one of his inimitable bear hugs.

“I think you’d probably best get back to the party.” Mike said quietly and Finn nodded.

They arrived just in time for Finn to say his goodbyes to Linda, Karim and Jasmine who had dragged Rae out of the front of the house. After they had said their farewells, he decided to change the music as The Stone Roses were just not cutting it. It seemed like tiredness had consumed his inspiration as he spent what felt like forever rummaging through a box of CDs. When he glanced up at the photo of his nan, he snatched Joan Armatrading and carefully inserted the disc, before supplying himself a beer and disappearing out the front for a smoke. He hoped for a quiet moment with Rae, but it seemed she had already rejoined their friends.

Having finished his ritual, Finn made his way to the back garden to discover proceedings had melted down into couples; MIke had Chloe tightly wrapped on his arms, Jim and Archie appeared to be snogging, Chop was gently swaying Izzy in his arms, Lucy and Rhian were talking on a bench, and Rae was dancing with his father. They were laughing at something and a big smile spread across Finn’s face. Slowly, he wandered over. His father took a step back ,but Finn shook his head.

“Room for one more, Da? Can’t have you feeling like a lemon.”

The three placed their arms over each other’s shoulders. Finn’s hand on Rae quickly dropped to her waist and then it slipped a little further. He revelled in the beautiful pink flush that coloured her cheeks before deciding that he wasn’t really playing fair and moved his hand back up to safer ground.

Eventually Gary proffered his excuses, promising to visit soon but declining their offer of lunch the following day. Rae hugged him brightly and gratefully. But Finn’s embrace lingered and Gary held his little boy once more, sensing his need.

“You’re ok, son. You’re ok.” He whispered before finally kissing him on the forehead and letting go.

Rae quickly replaced Gary’s warmth, such that Finn’s body relaxed once more. They never made it as far as the end of the song, because Finn interwove their fingers and gently pulled her towards the house.

“I err…There’s something I want to show you.”  

“I’ve seen it before.” Rae quipped before suddenly falling silent, picking up on his body language. As they walked up the stairs, she wondered just how far off the mark she was. To her surprise, he opened the door to the smallest bedroom.

Rae’s jaw dropped. For the room was decked out floor to ceiling in shelves, which were packed with vinyl. A single leather chair stood under the window and a small turntable was on an easily accessible shelf.

“I ran out of time to get a beanbag. But I kind of thought that we needed somewhere to store it all and somewhere to go when we get stressed and that.”

Rae plonked herself on the chair and spun from side to side, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “It’s perfect Finn, I love it. A music room.” She grasped his hand and pulled him onto her lap.

Her kiss was neither gentle nor slow, for the embers had yet to die down from earlier in the day. He may have given his crown to her little sister, and his hair might be messy and his shirt crumpled, but she still yearned for him. Slipping a hand under that white shirt, she enjoyed the smooth feel of his abdomen and she kissed him with growing passion.

Unexpectedly, he pulled back. “Ummm.” He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it.

“Finn?” Her tone was bemused.

He extended his hand. “Mae.” He led her out of the room and opened wide the door to their bedroom at the front of the house.

Rae only took a single step as her hands fell to her sides. The room was bright and airy with a bank of freshly painted wardrobes down one side. The walls were white, the carpet coir. The bed was freshly made with crisp white linen. But none of these details mattered. None of this properly registered in her mind.

She turned to Finn, tears streaming down her cheeks and threw her arms around his neck. He pulled her in close and started to stroke her hair. He was tired and his body ached, so he slowly steered her to the bed and helped her sit.

“You… you used colour.” She stated, mesmerised by the wall. For it bore the most intricate pattern of interlinked lines and filigree woven in a design that was reminiscent of, but very different to, the work that had been on their old bedroom wall. The colours were muted dusky shades and the effect was bewitching.

“It… it’s so different, Finn.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek and muttered, staring at his feet. “Do… is it ok? I mean, can you live with it?”

A huge smile lit her face but he couldn’t see it at first as he continued to study his toes.

“It’s not a story like the last one, Mae. It’s a… it’s a dream for the future. It’s hope, it’s’ my vision for us.”

She rolled onto him and captured his lips under hers within seconds. She placed his arms above his head and slowly lifted his shirt up from the waist, removing it completely. Straddling him, her kiss was liquid fire, love and want.

As Rae’s hands trailed down his arms, Finn moaned happily. When she peeled off her dress for the second time that day, the flames licked at his belly.

Rae stood up, her brow crumpled a little, when she espyed something unexpected hanging from the foot of the bed. “Maple leaves, Finn?” She raised her eyebrows.

A blush spread from face down his neck. “Meant to ward off evil spirits.” He stuttered.

She threw her head back in laughter. “I’ve read the book at Graham’s….and you know damn well that’s not their only symbolism, Nelson.”

The pink travelled down to Finn’s chest. “Err… well…”

“As if we need any help in that department.” Rae confidently removed her underwear.

“Maybe not.” He conceded as he rose to his feet. “But erm… there’s no harm in it.” He laughed, tackling her to the bed, his body pressing firmly against hers.

“Are you sure you’re not too tired? It’s been a busy day.”

Finn wiggled his hips into her and bit his lip with a cheeky grin before kissing his way down her body.

*****************************************  
Rae wakes with a smile on her face. Sun streams through the undrawn curtains lighting their bed. She looks at Finn, recumbent on his back, his left hand tucked under her pillow, his right arm slung backwards over it. The consistent languid rise and fall of his chest suggests he is still deep in slumber. She can’t help but be drawn by his exquisite beauty after all this time; the thick eyebrows, the dark lashes the adorable freckles and those lips. Goddamn those full lips. Seeing the still resplendent dark rings under his eyes, she restrains herself from diving in to kiss him and to feel his skin under her hands. It has recently come apparent, despite his all night vigils before she left for Tunisia, that he needs more sleep than her.

Yet she’s comfortable in the knowledge that there will plenty of time to touch and kiss, not just today, but in the expanse of time to come. But there’s so much more she wants to experience with him and she surprises herself by admitting that it’s the small things, the banal, that excite her the most: coming home to him, cooking supper, reading to him, watching him paint, sharing records, looking after Myrtle. She admits to herself that it may have been his beauty that she had first noticed, but it’s his heart- his caring, his devotion, his patience, his soul and the way that he fearlessly loves her- that really stole her.

She shakes her head at her own sentimentality and picks up last night’s tossed aside clothes from the floor. A small book falls from Finn’s jeans and bounces off the coir, landing at her feet. She grasps it in her hand, instantly recognising the notebook she’d given him to help him consider his thoughts and feelings.

However, he had never actually resorted to showing it to her. He’d simply chatted to her about his day without needing its assistance. Before closing it again, she can’t help but glance at the open pages. Much to her surprise the lined paper bears a list of plants: rosemary, honeysuckle, maple, clover, ivy, sage and lavender. Walking down the stairs, notebook in hand, she tries to recall exactly what these signified in Graham’s book. Intrigued, she opens wide the patio doors and in the morning light she notices that all these are indeed present in the garden.

With a shake of her head and a smile, she turns over another page, aware that maybe she shouldn’t. This time there is a list of things for the house, crossed out in different coloured pens. Thinking she should probably not pry, she gives the book one cursory flick, hoping to find some undiscovered artwork. That which she finds could hardly meet that description, but littered over a number of pages, including the final entry, there are a number of childlike doodles bearing their names. Sometimes inside a heart bearing an arrow, sometimes simply intertwined letters. She places the book back down on the table, knowing she’ll confess all later.

She wanders into the kitchen and finds a note on the fridge:

As it looked like you two needed some SLEEP last night, we locked the back door. Keys behind the pig. Forgot to mention yesterday that we stocked the fridge and cupboards with some essentials as we knew you probably wouldn’t remember! Ha ha. We decided it best to put stuff in the same cupboards as they are in our house so you can find them. Izz reckons you might want to change the system later but I reckon it works perfectly. Hope you have a great first night christening the house (wink wink). See yous tomorrow for the bar-b-q.  
Chop and Izz  
P.S. We’re having a kickabout on the playing field at 10:30. Get Finn out of bed for us!

A small giggle escapes her lips that crescendos into a full bodied laugh. She puts the kettle on and fishes in the cupboard for a tea bag. Dropping it into her cup, she surveys her domain from the kitchen, then corrects herself; their domain. There is so much of them in the house already and they haven’t been in for 24 hours yet. The thoughtful gifts from their friends and family cause her to well up. It’s with happy tears in her eyes that she finally sits down on the sofa with a cup of tea. The Stone Roses play quietly in the background as words for a new story flood into her head.


End file.
